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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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WARNING!
This text file contains sexually explicit
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Innocence Lost
by Jennifer Ann (jam1075@bellsouth.net)
***
A personal story of date rape. (MF, nc, date-rape, 1st)
***
I am now 27. I lost my virginity at seventeen, one
month short of my eighteenth birthday. The boy's name
was Scott and he was two and a half years older than
me. I have never spoken to him about what happened. I
haven't told many people. Less than a handful know my
story. I have kept it a secret. However, it is time to
tell my story.
I am telling it now for several reasons. The number one
reason is for me. Maybe, by telling it, I can, once and
for all, put it behind me. Maybe, Scott will read it
and realize just what he did. Finally, just maybe,
someone else will not have to experience what I did,
because of my story.
I grew up in a rather small size southern city and went
to a religious based high school where chastity was
taught as a virtue. We girls were constantly preached
to about abstinence and how it was the only way to
insure full protection from STDs and pregnancy.
It only stands to reason that parents who sent their
children to religious based private schools were the
type who kept a close watch over their children's'
activities. I was also involved in choir, dancing and
taking flying lessons. So I didn't do a whole lot of
one-on-one dating while in high school.
Still, hormones do not know what kind of school you go
to. Like all teenagers we found ways to discover each
other. During my senior year I did get into some heavy
kissing and fondling with my boyfriend. I went so far
as to suck off my "would be husband" and he managed to
get his hands inside my panties and finger me. However,
I remained a virgin and planned on staying so until the
marital bed with golden ring on my finger.
I graduated from our little safe haven of a high school
and soon found myself on the campus of our state mega
university. We had more kids on campus than my entire
home town had people and dogs. I had been blessed with
a better than average singing voice and had studied
dance since nine. So I majored in Fine Arts. That's
where I met Scott.
I signed up for a dance class that had students from
different levels. Scott, as a Junior, was also taking
the class. He was simply the most beautiful man I had
even seen. He had beautiful blue eyes that swallowed
you and huge shoulders which tapered down to the most
gorgeous butt I had even seen on a man in tights. And,
they said that he was straight. I was in LOVE.
Of course, there was no way I could let him know how I
felt. Why, what would someone like him see in a little
Freshman from the country. So when he actually came up
and spoke to me, I thought I would die. I don't
remember a thing I said, but I must have said something
right. A couple of days later a girlfriend told me that
she had heard from her boyfriend, who was friends with
Scott that he thought I was hot.
A week later he asked me if I wanted to go with him to
see a touring dance group that was coming to the
campus. We were required to attend a number of these
events anyway, so I would have said yes to the biggest
dork in class. Now, this was Scott asking me. Of
course, I said yes. After the performance we went to a
local pizza place where we met some of Scott's friends.
Later, we all left and went to somebody's apartment
where beer and marijuana appeared. I was more afraid of
the marijuana than the beer, so I sipped on a beer.
It wasn't long before Scott leaned over, lifted my chin
and kissed me. I was in heaven! His lips felt like they
were the matched pair to mine. My eyes closed and I
floated into him and his strong arms, as they wrapped
around me pulling me into his chest.
I had no objections when his tongue begged for entrance
and begin playing with mine. He kissed me down my neck,
sending shivers of exquisite pleasure through my body.
I felt his hands on my breasts which, excited me even
more, as he pressed them through my bra and shirt. It
was only when he tried to remove my shirt from over my
head that I got nervous.
There were others in the room. He suggested that we
find a more private spot. At that point, warnings went
off. I was afraid of getting into something, which I
couldn't get out. But, I was so excited, it felt so
good and I was with Scott. So I agreed.
Soon, I was naked to the waist, as Scott devoured my
breasts. I have never been overly endowed, but Scott
didn't seem to care. He kissed and fondled them,
getting me more and more excited.
I found myself lying back on the bed with Scott's body
on top of me I could feel his excitement through his
shorts. I also realized that he had moved his hand
between my legs and was rubbing me through my shorts.
Although, my body screamed yes, my mind said NO. I
placed my hand on his and asked him to stop.
He didn't want to. "But, Julie," he exclaimed.
"I'm sorry Scott," I said. "I don't want to do that
right now."
"Why? Are you a virgin?"
"Yes."
"No shit?!"
That hurt. But, I didn't say anything at first.
Finally, I said, "I'm sorry."
"Look Julie," he said. "You don't have to worry. I
won't do anything. But, you can still enjoy the
pleasure. We just won't go all the way."
I was torn between asking him to take me home and
giving in. I was scared and yet, I wanted to continue.
I gave in.
I let him remove my shorts but I left my panties on.
That gave me some feeling of security. We resumed
kissing and Scott started to finger me and rub my
clitoris. But, it wasn't the same as before. I just
couldn't relax and enjoy it any longer. Scott must have
picked up on my mood swing. He began to act like he was
sad. He still kissed and touched me but I could tell it
was somehow different.
"What's the matter Scott? Is it me?" I asked.
"It's alright Julie. It's just that you are so
beautiful and I want to make love to you so bad," he
announced. "And, besides, I've got blue balls."
"Blue balls?" I asked. "What's that?"
"It's when a girl gets a guy all excited. If he doesn't
cum, his balls can begin to hurt. It's called blue
balls."
Now, I felt like a real shit. I had gone and caused him
to have blue balls. Whatever, that was? However, it did
sound horrible and I felt badly for him.
"Can I help?" I asked innocently.
He smiled and shook his head. "Well, you could let me
screw you?"
"No." I said.
"I figured that," he said, "There is one other thing
you could do?"
"What's that?"
"You could give me a blow job."
Somehow, I felt like I was being manipulated. However,
I had done it before and besides this was Scott, if it
would help him? Why not?
"Ok," I said.
So Scott removed his pants and I got my first look at
his penis. I will admit that the thought of giving him
pleasure was exciting to me. My fears and doubts left
me as I begin tentatively at first, then with more
desire to; kiss, lick and suck on his penis.
Very shortly, he was trying to force it deeper down my
throat. I kept pulling my head back to stop from
gagging. His motions and reactions told me he was
getting close to cumming. I had never swallowed before
and didn't want to do so now. So I was prepared to
remove my mouth when I felt him tighten. I never got
the chance. He grabbed my head and forced it down, as I
felt him cum into my mouth.
I tried to swallow but his penis was too deep and I
couldn't. I started to gag and choke. He must have
realized what was happening because he relaxed the
pressure and allowed me to lift my head enough to stop
gagging. I kept my mouth on him and swallowed as much
as I could.
Afterwards, he used his briefs to wipe himself off. We
got dressed and he took me home. I lay in bed torn
emotionally. I was pent up sexually from the making out
but I also felt disturbed, demeaned and somehow dirty.
The thought of making myself cum while thinking of
Scott didn't seem right. So I did nothing. Finally, I
fell asleep.
***
The next week he called and asked me if I wanted to go
with him and some friends to the upcoming football game
on Saturday night. The game was a real experience for
me. My high school didn't even have a football team.
There must have been 70-80,000 people in that stadium.
Someone had smuggled alcohol into the stadium and kept
adding it to our cokes. By the time the game was over I
had a real buzz. After the game every body was going to
get together at the same apartment, as before. I felt
uncomfortable going there again. I told Scott that I
felt woozy and maybe he should just take me back to my
dorm.
When we got to my room, we sat on my bed. My roommate
was out so we had the place to our selves. It wasn't
long before we were at it again. I had forgotten my
fears of the week before. I felt secure in my own room
and the alcohol made me feel care free and amorous.
It wasn't long before we were down to panties and boxer
shorts. Scott's erect penis kept poking out of his
boxers. I could feel it rubbing against my bare thigh.
The feeling both scared and excited me.
"Julie," he asked. "I want to give you pleasure?"
"Oh, you are giving me pleasure." I replied.
"No, I mean... I want to pleasure you," he replied.
"Please Scott, I don't do... I want to wait.
"No, I want to eat you out."
"Eat me out?"
"Yes, I want to eat you out till you cum."
"But, Scott," I asked, half grossed out and half
desirous, "Won't that gross you out?"
"Heck no!" he said. "Did it gross you out to do me?" he
asked.
Actually, it did at the end. But, I couldn't tell him
that. "No."
"Well, then, why should I be grossed out? Besides, you
will love it. I promise."
Of course I gave in. I let him remove my panties, which
was my last barrier and line of defense.
He began to eat me out. It felt good, very good.
However it was like the last time, in the apartment. I
was anxious. I couldn't relax enough to cum. There was
this warning in my head that wouldn't go away.
He must have gotten tired because he stopped and slowly
kissed his way up my belly and to my lips. I could
smell myself on his face and tried to turn my face
away. I didn't want to kiss him just then. It seemed
gross and dirty. He just started kissing my neck and
ears then he was kissing me on the lips. Before I could
say anything, his tongue filled my mouth.
It felt nice to be held and in his arms and to feel his
body against mine. Soon however, he shifted his
position till so that his legs were between mine. I
could feel his penis rubbing my thigh below my vagina.
Fear shot through me like electricity.
"NO Scott!" I exclaimed.
"Don't worry Julie, It will be good," he said. "You
will love it."
"Please Scott, no! I don't want to," I cried and tried
to push him off of me.
He covered my mouth with his and shoved his tongue into
my mouth. I felt him use his legs to force mine open. I
could feel his penis rubbing against me trying to get
in.
"Please God, make him stop," I prayed. But, God didn't
help me.
He jabbed me once, twice with his penis, missing. Then
supporting himself with one arm he grabbed his penis
with the other, rubbed it between my lips to
positioning it correctly. Then he forced his way in and
raped me. At first he penetrated me just a little, then
deeper and finally, all the way.
I once read, where some man said that if rape is
inevitable, the woman should just lie back accept it
and enjoy. My question for him is, "If your testicles
are in a vice that is slowly being tightened, will you
accept it and enjoy?"
I know now that you didn't take long. However, at the
time it seemed like forever. I felt fear. Fear of
getting pregnant. Fear of getting AIDS. I also felt
like part of my soul was being torn out of me as I lay
there. No Scott, I felt no pleasure. It was not good
and I hated it.
I barely felt the pain of my hymen breaking. I felt a
far greater pain. Each stroke took away more and more
of my self-worth. It made me feel dirty, cheap and
demeaned. I remember thinking that this couldn't be
happening. He wouldn't do this to me. All the while, I
knew I was lying to myself. I wondered what I had done
to cause this to happen.
Then I felt you go rigid and I knew you were cumming.
No, I didn't feel your "hot spunk splash and slam
against my uterus," as the porn stories like to say. I
felt the fear and anguish that I was now pregnant and
the life I knew was finished and destroyed.
I don't remember much after that. I remember you
mumbling something about "sorry" or "had to." You got
dressed and left. My roommate found me lying on the bed
still naked, in the fetal position and crying. She
wanted me to report you and press charges. I wouldn't.
The fear of being known by all as a soiled woman was
too much. I couldn't handle any more demeaning. No, it
was better to just suppress what happened and move on.
Suppress it I did. Move on, was much harder.
You see Scott; you took more from me than my virginity.
You took my innocence of life and love. You took more
than my womanhood. You took from me what it means to be
a woman. That is why I would never speak to you when
you called. That is why I dropped the dance class and
later changed schools. I couldn't handle seeing you
again.
For years, I was afraid of men. Even today, my eyes
search every man who approaches me for signs of danger.
I am often still uncomfortable when alone around a man.
I later slept with other men. But, I could never
abandon myself to love making. I found it hard to trust
them. It kept me from really enjoying sex, and I am
sure, made me less than a perfect partner.
It was only when Bill came along, the man who managed
to repair much of the damage you did to me, that I was
able to learn how to trust without fear and
reservation. He somehow understood my reluctance was
fear. He was loving, caring and gentle. Most of all he
was patient. He never forced me to do anything I didn't
want or which made me feel uncomfortable. He made me
feel special. He taught me how to give myself to a man.
You might say, he gave me back the womanhood you took
away.
When Jesus died he said, "Father forgive them for they
know not what they do." I have forgiven you for what
you did. Maybe you didn't know what you were doing.
However, so far I haven't been able to forgive you for
what you took and can never return. Maybe, if you read
this you will understand what you did. That would be
enough.
***
Comments and genuine critiques may be sent to me at:
jam1075@bellsouth.net
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This story was written as an adult fantasy. The author
does not condone the described behavior in real life.
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Kristen's collection - Directory 49