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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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Mr. Gosford's Dilemma
by Bert Hart (berthart@merr.com)
***
In the spring of 1813, Mr. Gosford rides to Dallylong
to see his beloved Elizabeth Carleton. His longstanding
fantasies are fulfilled. (MF, 1st, humor, rom)
***
It was that time of year when woodland plants, newly
charged with liquid power, churn the earth in their
struggle to the light, and when birds and frogs
monotonously advertise their availability. Dreadnaught,
as he printed his proud hooves in the soft April soil
and rocked smooth muscles beneath his master's loins,
was dreaming of complaisant mares. His master, too, was
not immune to seasonal blandishment. Mr. James Gosford,
21, was an honourable man whose ruminations about his
beloved Miss Elizabeth Carleton usually lay upon the
highest moral plane. But not today.
Thus as he rode along, in the eye of his genius he
imagined Miss Carleton sprawled before him upon a
bearskin rug, her well-turned and deliciously bare
ankles peeking out shyly from beneath her frock. And
now, with an insouciant and wanton air, she was drawing
up gown and petticoats alike, exposing in a trice to
his concupiscent gaze her alabaster limbs, from sole to
mid-thigh. But she drew no higher.
James ceased his deliberations at this point, but not
out of a sense of delicacy toward Miss Elizabeth. He
firmly believed that a man's private thoughts harm no
one. Rather it was because of the unfortunate fact that
Mr. Gosford had never actually seen what lies between a
lady's legs, nor despite considerable effort had he
ever been able to quite imagine what might be there.
One might think that, as master of his domains, he
would long since have seized upon some wretched serving
wench and subjected her to an intimate and embarrassing
inspection under the pretext of looking for some
missing trifle. But dissimulation was not a part of his
character, nor did he fancy fouling his own nest.
Or visiting London, perhaps he could have engaged the
services of a doxy, who for a shilling would have shown
him her secret parts and for half a crown introduced
him to their usage. But his natural decency and genuine
respect for all of womankind encompassed even the bawd.
James sighed deeply as he approached the stables and
dismounted stiffly. Once again he mused upon how
difficult it was to remain pure.
As he handed off Dreadnaught to his man and approached
the manor, he reflected upon the words of St. Paul.
"It is better to marry than to burn." It was time to
write the most important letter of his young life.
Sodall
April 17, 1813
My Dear Mr. and Mrs. Carleton,
It has scarcely been a fortnight since I was the
recipient of your most kind hospitality at Dallylong,
and it would under normal circumstances be presumptuous
for me to request so soon that you once more extend
that same generousity. But Mrs. Carleton did importune
me on no less than four occasions to return quickly,
lest I lose the hand of Miss Elizabeth to another
suitor.
Black ink can hardly express with what eagerness I
anticipate seeing Miss Elizabeth again. How pleasantly
the time passed at my late visit! In particular, I
remember the evening before I left, when we were all
assembled in the drawing room and Miss Elizabeth played
upon the lute and sang. Perhaps it was my fulsome
praise which caused her to cease in embarrassment. I
could have listened for hours. In any event, when she
put down her instrument and began to speak to me in a
most pleasant, sprightly, and witty manner, (even on
occasion teazing me delicately), I somehow managed to
respond in kind. We smiled and began to laugh. And so
the two of us, in the presence of your handsome family,
engaged in a most delightful intercourse. But so
smitten was I that I was often adrift in the sea of her
wit, and to some of her sallies I could scarcely
ejaculate an appropriate reply.
I pine to see Miss Elizabeth again, and am determined
to know if what is in her heart matches what is in
mine. If it does, there may yet be a certain impediment
to our union. As this is of a most delicate nature, I
shall discuss it with her alone. But I assure you as a
gentleman that my intentions are honourable, and
favourable to your family.
You may share the contents of this letter with Miss
Elizabeth, so that she might prepare her heart for my
visit. But if I have misjudged her, and she desires not
that I come, please advise me plainly, and I will
remain here in deep sorrow. Otherwise, please give to
my servant bearing this missive the earliest date
convenient. I await your reply with great expectations.
Your obedient, etc.
Mr. James Gosford, Esq.
The reply to his letter being wholly favourable, Mr.
Gosford instructed the cook to prepare him a pic-nic
luncheon for his journey. His friend the Earl had
invented a cunning means of placing meat between two
slices of bread. James commanded that several of these
be made, and packed beside them two goatskins of the
very best sack.
He mounted Dreadnaught early in the morning. They took
the main road on a southwesterly course through
Knobrot, Sheepshag, and all the other estates which
annoyingly interposed themselves between Sodall and
Dallylong. By late afternoon he believed he must be
near his goal, but as one forest looks like another, he
could not be certain. Dreadnaught was tired, and
snorted at the smell of water. James therefore led him
off the main road and down a small path which led
through a tiny meadow to a brook. They both drank
deeply and returned to the meadow. Dreadnaught began to
graze. James unpacked and laid out all his victuals
upon a cloth. But before he began to eat, he took a
quick look about him. Finding himself quite alone, he
unbuttoned his breeches, drew out his pego, stood
astride the small path, and began to water the earth.
But scarcely had he begun this necessary task, when to
his utter amazement there suddenly appeared in front of
him, exiting the woods on the very path he stood
astride, none other than Miss Elizabeth Carleton!
"Good day, Mr. Gosford", she cried. "I have come
from..." but then, perceiving his delicate state, she
could not continue, but instead burst into merry
laughter.
Mr. Gosford did not immediately reply, for Miss
Carleton, being distracted, was advancing upon him
relentlessly, and it seemed certain they must collide.
Immediately he jerked to his left, so that for a tiny
moment a lovely golden arc hung in the air, illuminated
by a single dappled ray. Its evanescent beauty
dissolved in an instant as it spattered upon the
thirsty earth.
Miss Carleton, too, turned abruptly to her left, and so
by this elegant pas de deux, so reminiscent of their
gavotte at the Bumfodder's ball, she was in no wise
besmirched.
"Good day, Miss Carleton. It seems that upon our every
meeting I am somehow reduced to mortification." he said
dryly.
This comment instantly cut her to the quick. They
indeed had a long history of mutual mortification.
Their respective pride and prejudice had caused each of
them to grievously misjudge the other at their first
meeting, and for many months thereafter. When the truth
came out, it was so at odds with their previous
misconceptions that they both were entirely mortified.
She quickly uttered the first thing that came to mind
in a desperate attempt to atone for her immodest
merriment.
"My dear Mr. Gosford, please excuse if you can my rude
behavior, which unexpectedly issued out of thoughtless
surprise. What you are doing is what we must all do,
and therefore there is no shame in it. Nor am I
distressed, for I am not completely innocent of the
sight of the male organ of generation."
But hardly had she spoken, than she clapt her hands
over her mouth, as if to silence herself. But her words
echoed accusingly in the air.
"My dear Miss Carleton, I believe you have read the
letter I sent to your father, and know I come to
Dallylong as a serious suitor. I would not think ill of
you, but I must request a further explication of your
last statement."
"Very well, Mr. Gosford, I will gladly do so, and you
will realize that there is no impropriety whatsoever in
it. Late last summer all my family were invited to
Crimcon estate for some festivity, I disremember what.
Perhaps it was a bear-baiting or a fox-hanging or other
similar harmless country amusement. But as I was
slightly indisposed, I remained behind.
"While taking a constitutional about the grounds, I
heard an angry cry from the stable. Fearing an injury
to a servant and wishing to give succor, I called out
at the entrance. The stablemaster quickly appeared, and
suggested that I return to the manor. I told him
plainly that he was impertinent, that all parts of the
demesne are open to any family member. I charged him to
tell me what lay inside. Still he hesitated, stating
that the matter in question was not a fitting one for
the eyes of a young lady. I spoke most severely to him.
He then relented and said that he had caught the
stableboy locked in the carnal embrace of a lamb. I
immediately ordered that the miscreant be brought
before me at the manor house. That being done, I
dismissed the stablemaster. "The boy, a comely lad of
about 15, stood before me with downcast eyes, blushing
so prettily that there was scarcely any doubt in my
mind as to his guilt. As he was quite unable to utter a
word in response to my enquiries, I ran my hands about
his chest, expecting that some small bit of wool might
have clung to his clothes, providing clear evidence of
his depravity. But I found nothing.
"Then it occurred to me that it was most likely that
the lad had not, in fact, been wearing clothes at the
time of his alleged indiscretion. I therefore directed
him in a most stern manner to undress. Of course he
demurred, pleading with me most piteously that I should
spare him this indignity before a woman scarcely four
years his senior. I remained adamant, and told him that
if he refused my request, I should give him the sack.
Now trembling in terror, he made haste to comply, and
in short order stood abashed before me in a total state
of nature.
"I knew that the circumstances of the case compelled me
to put aside my maidenly modesty and look unflinchingly
upon those parts which might have been in close contact
with the unfortunate lamb. Casting my eyes upon the
newly fledged curls which adorned the base of his manly
parts, I noticed an odd grey fragment. Plucking
delicately at it with my fingers, I drew it away and
held it up to the light. I recoiled in horror when I
ascertained it to be a telltale bit of wool. I believed
this to be indisputable evidence, yet sought to perform
one more test before convicting in certitude.
"I therefore placed my hands about his belly, which was
unaccountably so slippery that my hands in error slid
briefly lower, which caused him to cry out in innocent
surprise. Then, bringing my hands to my face, I smelled
a peculiar odour. Can you guess, Mr. Gosford, what it
was?"
"Was it oil of wool, Miss Carleton?"
"Indeed it was. Therefore, finding him guilty, I bade
him dress, and took him to the stablemaster, charging
him to punish the boy as he saw fit. Yet I asked him
not to be too harsh, for though the boy's sin was
clearly an abomination, it was an abomination commonly
seen in our country youth. The boy is still in our
service, yet whenever he sees me, he blushes and averts
his eyes.
"Now, my dear Mr. Gosford, I have told my tale and you
have long since completed your business. Would it not
be best to put that part away where it belongs, beneath
the buttons of your breeches?"
"Unfortunately, Miss Carleton, I cannot."
"And why not, Mr. Gosford?"
"Because during your discourse I entered into such a
state that no longer can the part in question fit
within the small compass my breeches provide."
"And how long might we expect to see you in this
regrettable condition?"
"If it were possible by exercise of my genius to remedy
this grievous fault, it had long since been done, for I
would not willingly give offense. But unfortunately, I
cannot control my natural humor. Therefore it may take
some time, nor of course can we appear at Dallylong
while I am in this state."
"Are you quite sure there is no hope, that by some
subtle manipulation space may yet be found? It is said
that I am quite clever with my hands."
"You are most welcome to try."
Miss Elizabeth was indeed quite skilled in many jobs of
the hand. All sorts of needlework and the playing of
musical instruments came easily to her. But of course
this was new. And though she tried mightily to place
the whole into the small space provided, turning it
first this way and then that, it proved at last to be
quite impossible. And in fact, by the time she accepted
defeat, she found to her amazement that the task had
become even more difficult than when she started!
James then suggested that they proceed with the pic-
nic, saying that if they discoursed about any topic
other than that which had lately concerned them, his
trouble would in time repair itself. And so they seated
themselves upon the cloth and began to eat, and drink
the excellent wine within the goatskin bags. They
talked about where to find the best coopers and
farriers, of the illnesses of horses, of the pleasure
of riding to hounds, of the balls they had attended
together, and of many other things. Miss Carleton was,
on the whole, quite careful to keep her eyes fixed upon
Mr. Gosford's handsome face, with only an occasional
regrettable lapse. Yet when he at last found it
possible to return to its nest that which had strayed,
she felt a small pang of regret, nor did she fail to
notice that James did not remember to do up his
buttons.
The wine had brought a most welcome flush to Miss
Elizabeth's cheeks, as well as a petite and ladylike
hiccup to her lips. It also emboldened her to enter as
a topic of conversation a certain matter referred to in
Mr. Gosford's letter.
"My dear, dear Mr. Gosford. You mentioned in your
missive 'an impediment to our union of a most delicate
nature' which you could only discuss with me. If there
is some flaw in me which impedes our union, I beg you
to speak of it quite truly and plainly, and if it is
within my power to correct, it shall be done. And
though I believe you to be the most handsome and
honourable man that ever lived, if you perceive some
fault in yourself, speak of it freely, and we will
dispose of it. Nor should you be concerned that you
might shock. Should your discourse, of necessity, touch
upon country matters, I give you leave."
"Very well. Quite simply, Miss Elizabeth, I do not know
if we are a good fit."
"Well said, well said, Mr. Gosford. There is no doubt
that we have had many a misunderstanding. We have
imagined in each other faults when there were none, and
ignored the good. But are not those days behind us? Are
we not filled with a most miraculous comprehension?
Shall I not be bold and say we love each other?"
"Miss Elizabeth, if I do not love you, no man has ever
loved. But you mistake my meaning. You have given me
leave to talk of country matters.
I shall speak of children, and then of the wedding
night.
"Children are the blessing of a kind Providence, and to
one day pass Sodall on to them is my heartfelt desire.
Yet we all know of marriages from which there flows no
issue. I cannot speak of fault; no man knows why this
is so. No man, finding himself without breed, will talk
of his shame. But in his cups, he may hint. And from
these hints, I have come to the distressing conclusion
that there are some marriages in which, by reason of
anatomy alone, connubial bliss has never been realized.
"Let us imagine I have before me a pistol. The powder
having been inserted, it is time for the wad. I place
the wad at the base of the bore with a ramrod, a tool
cunningly designed so that it fits within the barrel of
the pistol, not loosely, but close fitting. The ramrod
must slide up and down within the barrel freely, yet
must fit tightly enough so it does not rattle. And so
it is between a man and a woman. I have sworn to myself
that I will marry no woman 'til I know that we do fit.
Do you understand?"
"My dear Mr. Gosford, you quite take my breath away."
James was concerned that Miss Elizabeth might swoon,
but she did not, and in a short time she was able to
continue.
"I had not considered this matter in the least until
this very day, when I held within my hands that awesome
prodigy which burst unbidden from your loins. Then I
did wonder, as I sought to return it to its rightful
place, what discomfort, along with what pleasure, I
should feel upon my wedding night. But I soon disabused
myself of all anxiety, for I understood in an instant
that my womanly passage, though it at one time may be
only as wide as the quill of a pen, yet at another may
accommodate the head of a baby. So that its compass is
not forever a fixed state, but varies greatly by
necessity of task.
"And therefore I must state plainly that your exemplum
of the bore of a pistol is an unhappy one, for a bore
is ever unchanging. I offer my metaphor in its place.
Look you at this goatskin bag, now empty. As it lies
here flat, the sides of its neck lie against one
another, leaving no space, yet we know that the
wineskin may be easily filled from a keg.
"Let us assume that the keg has a wooden spout, which I
believe is commonly called a 'woodie'. The woodie may
be forced into the neck of the wineskin, which
stretches about it tightly. Where the lips of the bag
once lay loose, skin against skin, now they clasp about
the woodie. As it pushes forward, the skin slides down
on it and grows ever more tight, bulging out with the
force of the thrust. The skin has obediently opened
wide, and the vessel is readied for filling. And this,
I imagine, for of course I have no experience in this
matter, is how it must be between husband and wife."
Mr. Gosford was most intrigued by the strength of this
metaphor. It was fortunate that he had neglected to do
up his buttons, for once again he found that the small
space within his breeches was quite inadequate. He was
about to beg Miss Elizabeth's pardon, for his parlous
state had not gone unnoticed, when she unexpectedly
continued her narration.
"Again under license to speak freely, I wish to
illuminate something more of the secret nature of
woman. It has always seemed to me an odd contrivance of
society which says that a man must always be pursuing,
and a maiden fleeing. It is presumed that he is ardent,
she unwilling. This may be true at the onset of a
courtship. But let that maiden fall in love, and all is
topsy-turvy. Then she shall desire him as he does her.
Is this not good? That they shall come together at last
in the marital embrace, each as eager as the other?
"Do not condemn me, I beg of you, for being immodest,
for I must speak truly. I love you with all my heart.
And it is from that love that I pray that you listen
with care even if I speak indecorously. I shall shortly
give you one more reason to put aside all fears you may
entertain about our wedding night.
"A woman in love, as I am with you, shall, as I have
said, feel desire quite equal to that of her swain. In
his kind and gentle hands, she shall then, perforce,
produce about her nether regions a copious balm, its
purpose being to smooth her intimate passage. I cannot
yet this day be so bold as to say what I would wish you
to do to me, and I to you, were we married this day,
and this pic-nic cloth were our wedding bed. But my
imagination, being fierce, has sufficed to engender
this lotion. I can thus offer you silent proof of my
love, if you will but give me your hand."
With this, Miss Elizabeth grasped his right hand, and
to his utter astonishment, (and extreme gratification),
slid it underneath her frock. Nor did she tarry there,
but cleverly threaded his hand in a circuitous route
over and under sundry articles of intimate clothing
until it came to rest directly upon the mossy mount of
her womanhood. She withdrew her hand.
Mr. Gosford was all awhirl. Beneath her equator, he
knew, lay much terra incognita. Should he not be like
stout Cortez, and explore? His deep respect for her
honour argued that he should remove his hand. Yet, he
considered, as she had placed it there, would it not be
rude to exit so soon? Therefore, he began to move it
ever so gently about. Directly she showed by certain
joyously exuberant motions and small satisfied cries
that his attentions were not unwelcome. And as his hand
naturally descended in a southerly direction, he soon
came to appreciate the copious nature of her nethermost
balm.
Miss Carleton, being now of two minds, was now mixing
the modest with the immodest in her demeanor. Her bold
action in seizing his hand was designed to show nothing
more to Mr. Gosford than that he should have no fears
about the wedding night. If that were solely her
intention, a decent respect for her virtue would have
commanded his withdrawal. But now her natural humor was
in the ascendency, and he could hardly be faulted if he
ascertained by certain signs that she wished him to
continue his amatory investigations.
Thinking now about his reveries in days past, he gently
drew up her frock and petticoats, expecting at any
moment to hear a sharp reproach. But to his surprise,
Miss Elizabeth not only made no outcry, but assisted
him fully, until her privy parts lay quite bare before
his astonished eyes.
Mr. Gosford had wondered so long and with such futility
as to what might lay between a lady's legs that he
could scarcely believe his good fortune. He bent
forward in close observance as he continued his
exploration with both hands, but it was difficult for a
man of his inexperience to quite understand what the
purpose was of each of the secret parts he unveiled.
Fortunately, Miss Carleton offered guidance, by moving
about with greater or lesser ferocity as his hands
meandered to and fro, so that he came to understand by
example which parts engendered the greatest pleasure.
However, the general trend of her vigor was ever
upward. Her state became so perilous that Mr. Gosford
could at last comprehend nothing at all, and removed
his hands against such time as Miss Carleton could be
satisfied with a more Platonic examination.
"Oh, oh, Mr. Gosford, I thought you meant to ruin me!"
she cried.
" Miss Elizabeth, I would not be truthful should I not
say that I entertain that desire. Yet I shall struggle
to overcome it, out of love for you."
"I had thought you would compromise my virtue!"
"Nay, I shall not."
"I had thought you would sully my name, and that of my
family!"
"Perhaps it will not be so."
"And ravish me!"
"If that is your wish."
"Oh, Mr. Gosford, it is!"
James struggled to remove his riding boots and
breeches, and brought his hands to the buttons of his
shirt. This gave Miss Elizabeth time to reflect upon
her decision. That her choice was unflinching was made
evident when she drew off her frock along with all the
numerous other items of her attire. They stood then in
an utter state of nature, looking at each other in
sudden wonder. They embraced and lowered themselves to
the pic-nic cloth.
Any slight maidenly discomfort soon gave way to the
most exquisite amatory pleasure. And they both sang the
same tune so perfectly that the very height of his
passion was the height of hers, as if they had
practiced this bliss a thousand times.
When they had recovered in some measure and lay
together in a transport of intimate delight, Miss
Elizabeth looked down and with some amusement remarked
upon a certain diminuition. Mr. Gosford responded by
assuring her that such a lessening was entirely
temporary. She asked him if there was aught she could
do to hasten his renascence. And so they continued in
pleasant badinage for awhile until they fell silent in
each other's arms. They embraced not in passion, for
that was spent, but in a tender and loving manner, each
feeling the heartbeat of the other. And it seemed to
each that they had lived all their lives as halves, and
only now were they complete. And neither one felt
shame, but rather that the hand of God was upon them.
It was with great reluctance that they finally rose,
dressed, and packed up what lay upon the ground. Mr.
Gosford mounted Dreadnaught, and grasped Miss
Carleton's hand. She climbed on behind him, and reached
around his waist. She clutched what she believed was
the pommel of his saddle. They rode off in the
direction of the manor house.
"Mr. Gosford?"
"Yes?"
"When we are married, how often do you imagine we shall
do this?"
"I should think every day, if you are so disposed. And
if I have been away, twice upon that first day."
"Most agreeable. And since, as one might say, you have
been away..."
"Yes?"
"I shall come to you this night, when all the family
are asleep."
"And I shall speak to Mr. Carleton directly upon our
arrival, and insist upon an early date. And we shall
forevermore regard our wedding night as being but in a
small way premature, and nothing more."
She squeezed the pommel familiarly. And on they rode.
END
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's okay to *READ* stories about unprotected sex with
others outside a monogamous relationship. But it isn't
okay to *HAVE* unprotected sex with people other than
a trusted partner. You only have one body per lifetime,
so take good care of it!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kristen's collection - Directory 46