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Alone in Berlin
By Lucinda Gavin (lostgirl33@hotmail.com)

***

A little long distance phone-sex never hurt anyone, 
right? (MMF)

***

"Hello?"

"Chris? It's Meg, Meg Kruger," I felt my heart beat 
quickly as I waited for the voice on the other end of 
the line to respond.

"Meg? Hi. Where are you?"

I let out a rush of air, I could hear myself talking 
too quickly. "I'm in Berlin. I fly out tomorrow, early, 
so I took the train in today. Then it's Berlin to 
Frankfurt, Frankfurt to Dulles, and Dulles home. You 
know the joke that if you're going to Hell, you have to 
stop in Chicago? I suppose Europeans say you have to 
stop in Frankfurt. I'm at the Hotel Ibis," I hear 
myself laugh, but it sounds forced. "Hotel Ee-bis here, 
not eye-bis."

"Oh. I hope it's not in the combat zone."

"No, but it's a little funky here, lots of immigrants 
and young intellectuals," The words poured out, was I 
making sense? 

"It's a little rough around the edges, one building 
will be beautifully restored and the others dingy and 
covered in graffiti. On street level you see tacky, 
crowded store fronts; it reminds me of parts of Chicago 
that way. On the other hand, like Chicago, you can tell 
real people live here. If you look higher, above the 
ground floor, there are all these flower boxes on the 
ledges and. if you look closely, there are lace 
curtains in all the windows. It's a neat place, 
really." 

Stop. Take a breath, I told myself, "But it's weird, 
walking down a street knowing you're completely alone 
in a foreign city."

"That explains the phone call, but I know what you 
mean."

Yes, he understood. My fear that he'd think I was a 
freak for calling him may have been unfounded.

"Yeah, I hope your collaboration is going well."

"Yeah, but don't let our hosts' gracious demeanor you 
saw fool you, they had me chained to my desk after you 
all left. No more sightseeing for me," Chris laughed 
softly. 

I laughed, a little too loud. "When are you supposed to 
go home?"

"I'll be leaving this Saturday, I'll take the train to 
Berlin Friday night. I'm surprised you didn't call your 
boyfriend."

So was I.

"Time change. He'll be at work, our moods won't match. 
It's nice to talk to someone who is in the same time 
zone, you know?"

In more ways than one.

"It's nice just to hear English, at least you know some 
German."

He was making conversation, he wasn't blowing me off, 
that was a good sign. Maybe he was actually glad I 
called.

"Yeah, but I'm afraid to use it. If you ask a question 
in German, they answer in German, that's the problem!"

Chris laughed softly. God, what was I doing? This was 
crossing so many boundaries.

"You don't mind, do you? Me calling like this?"

"No, I don't mind. Don't have anyone at home to call. 
Except maybe my dog."

Yes, Chris had made it clear all week just how single 
he was.

"You've got that seminar tomorrow, don't you? You need 
to prepare for that?"

Give him an out, remind him that business comes before 
pleasure.

"I got that ready yesterday, once I didn't have you and 
Gordy and Sacha around to distract me." I could hear 
the smile in his voice. If voices could be described by 
colors or textures, my boyfriend Tommy's resonant 
baritone would be a highly polished bronze, but Chris 
had a voice that was smoky blue, with a gentle, reedy 
quality, like a softly played saxophone. It was 
different than I was used to, and I was surprised that 
I liked it. I liked it a lot. Over the phone, I 
couldn't see that blinding grin, I could only hear 
Chris' relaxed, friendly voice.

"Oh, yeah, we really had to twist your arm."

"You're a corrupting influence, Meg, admit it."

Yes! He was teasing me, maybe even flirting.

"Yes, I forced you to visit that castle."

"Yes! The castle, and the tavern, and the disco."

"Well, isn't that what conferences are about?"

"Apparently the sharing of scientific discoveries 
within the international community is not a priority 
with you."

"During the day, of course it's a priority! After 
dinner. well. you saw me talking to Korlov at least."

"He was trying to pick you up! And then you go and have 
a date with Minowitz."

"It was not a date! The man's in his sixties at least!"

"Consider yourself lucky, you were able to discuss your 
work with him. Minovitz wouldn't give me the time of 
day until I was made permanent staff. Tell me this, did 
he pay for your drinks?"

"Yes."

"Then it was a date."

"Argghh!! It would have been rude to refuse. Can I help 
it if some men like to be gallant around a woman? Would 
you rather I pretend that I'm 'one of the guys?'"

"It doesn't matter what I prefer, you should do what 
you feel is right."

"Exactly, and I'm going to behave like a woman, 
whatever that means. If, as a result, some men won't 
take my work seriously, oh well. I doubt they would 
take me seriously if I tried to behave like a man."

"Good point, I hadn't thought of that. Although I don't 
know exactly how we got there."

"Yeah, well, it's a little hard for me to avoid 
thinking about it." I realized Chris might get 
defensive at this, most reasonable men would, 
"Actually, now that I've worked through it, being true 
to myself in a male dominated field and all that, I've 
been feeling a lot more confident, with respect to 
work."

"I see."

"I'm rambling aren't I?"

"Well, Meg, I wasn't going to say anything."

"Yeah, well, now you know. I tend to go off on 
tangents. It makes me very creative but."

"But it's something I should keep in mind if I want to 
hire you."

"Well, Chris, I wasn't going to say anything."

The voice on the phone laughed again. God, what was I 
doing? Did he think I'm trying to sleep my way into a 
job? The truth was, Chris was incredibly sexy, but I 
needed to get to know him better. He was still so much 
of a mystery. Chris was handsome, charming, 
sophisticated and reserved. He didn't talk much about 
himself. 

The fact that he was still single made me wonder if he 
was gay. On the other hand, he could have just been 
hurt very badly. Sacha, short for Alexandra, and I 
speculated about that. Didn't he say his parents were 
divorced? I definitely got the heterosexual vibe from 
him. He had a way of approaching me and flirting, then 
backing off. I never pressed it, I let him take the 
initiative, until tonight. Why was I doing this?

 See, I also wanted to work for him. Chris was very 
well respected in the field, I couldn't go wrong having 
him as a boss. The smart thing would be to stay cool, 
keep it professional. If I did end up working for him, 
or even at the same lab, the romance could happen 
eventually, if it was meant to be. Otherwise, I could 
blow my reputation entirely.

"So what does your boyfriend do?"

Shit! Tommy! I was mentally running off with a man I've 
known for a week. What was happening to me? It was 
perceptive of him to turn the conversation in that 
direction.

"He's a network manager, for the electrical engineering 
department at the university."

"Really? A very portable job, I see."

"You noticed, huh?"

"I'm well acquainted with the two-body problem, let's 
just leave it at that."

The two-body problem. Academics live the life of 
gypsies in the early part of their career, asking 
spouses to pull up stakes after grad school, the first 
post-doc, and maybe the second post-doc, before even 
thinking of settling in as a staff scientist or as a 
member of a faculty somewhere. Tommy had the type of 
training that could get him a job anywhere, if the need 
arose. Not necessarily a reason to start a 
relationship, but definitely a factor in keeping one 
alive.

"You and... Tommy, you're engaged, right?"

"No." I knew he was going to ask if Tommy was willing 
to follow me once my post-doc was up next May.

"But you're living together."

"Yes."

"Have you two discussed the future?"

"Not really."

"Meg." His voice had that gentle scolding quality, the 
one you hear when a male friend is about to give you 
the 'Men are pigs' speech.

"Do you want to marry him?" he asked.

I hesitated. If he had asked me the week before I would 
have said. Christ, I didn't know what I would have 
said. That was the question wasn't it?

"I don't know."

"That pretty much answers it, if you don't know."

"No! It's not like that. I just haven't thought about 
the future, because. because."

"Because?"

"I wasn't ready to ask him to follow me, and I didn't 
know how he felt about getting married again after his 
divorce and..."

"There's more?"

"I don't know if he's... the one."

Chris was quiet on the other end of the line. What 
could he have said, really?

"I guess Tommy and I need to talk some."

"Can I ask one question? If you weren't sure this guy 
was 'the one,' why did you move in with him?"

"For the obvious reasons, I guess, and I feel 
comfortable with Tommy. He's like the guys I used to 
hang out with in high school. Maybe I thought this was 
as close to 'the one' as I was going to get, I'm still 
not sure that he isn't. This trip is messing with my 
head."

Why was I talking like this? What was I trying to 
accomplish?

"If you have doubts when you two are apart, that sounds 
like something you should pay attention to."

"It's not doubts, I don't think. It's just that when 
you're in a relationship, you slip into roles. One's 
the sensitive one and the other is the rational one, 
for example. So when I am away from him, I'm forced to 
be a whole person. I remember what it's like to be 
independent. It was a nice feeling."

"You can't be a whole person with your boyfriend?"

"I guess I haven't been. I suppose that's asking a lot, 
huh? To be a whole person and still give yourself to a 
relationship. This afternoon, I took a walk in this old 
church yard. well not that old, the cemetery seemed to 
have it's heyday in the 20's and 30's with all these 
Art Deco monuments and the newest markers are in the 
60's. Most of them say, "Hier ruht mein lieber Mann." 
Here rests my beloved husband. It was quite moving. I 
guess I want that, too. I want to find the real thing, 
whatever that is."

Chris laughed, "I'm sorry, but I just realized that I'm 
getting used to your meanderings. You did get to the 
point eventually."

I laughed, too, "Why, thank you. I have my moments."

Chris didn't respond, but I heard him move and stretch 
on the other end of the line.

"I'm sorry, if you have things to do, I can let you go. 
I've monopolized the conversation with my favorite 
subject.. me."

I was relieved to hear him chuckle a bit, taking my 
joke as it was intended, "Well, I do need to visit the 
bathroom."

"Then I'll let you go."

"Wait, give me your number and I'll call you back in a 
sec."

"Are you sure?"

"What else do I have to do except watch TV with German 
dubbing, which I don't understand, or turn to the porn 
channel and try to decipher the action with a blackout 
over the middle of the screen. It doesn't cover 
everything." Once again I could here the grin in his 
voice. He was ready to change the subject. but to what?

"You could just pay, you know."

"I've never had to pay for it before." he said 
mischieviously.

"Oh, really?" I could have feigned outrage, but instead 
I encouraged him, curious how he would react.

Chris paused, "Um, I'll call you back in a sec. Give me 
your number."

I gave him my number and I put down the receiver. I 
decided to get into my robe and I brought a pillow over 
to the desk by the window. The sun had gone down and I 
watched the city lights. I turned off the lamp in my 
room so no one could see in while I reclined against 
the window. I sat for a moment, aware of the feel of 
the terry cloth against my skin. 

I wondered if it would be a good idea to slip my hand 
inside my robe. Instead, I turned on the television 
while I waited. It was 'X-files' and through the 
dubbing, Scully just didn't seem right without the 
inflections Gillian Anderson put in her voice. All of 
her vulnerability was in her voice.

The phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Meg? It's Chris. Now where were we?"

"Something about paying for it, I think." I slid down 
on the ledge so that I was lying on my back. The lower 
half of my robe fell open and I felt goose bumps rise 
on my thigh where it touched the cold window.

"Yeah, well, I meant before that."

"Well, we pretty much established that I don't know 
what to do about Tommy, thank you very much."

"What did I do?"

"Fine, go ahead and feign innocence. See if I care. No 
really, I'm just going to have to think about that, I 
guess I've been putting it off. It's never been easy 
for me to decide what I want." My hand rested on my 
covered belly. As long as I didn't tell him, and I 
could still enjoy his smoky voice, what was harm if I.

"Maybe we should talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"Something lighter I suppose, this has been a rather 
intense conversation. Any suggestions?"

I slipped my hand under the robe, exposing one breast 
to the conflicting sensations of the chill air and my 
warm hand. "We could talk about the weather. or talk 
shop."

"Okay, we'll talk about the weather. What does it look 
like in Berlin?"

I looked out the window, starting to roll the nipple 
between my fingers.

I wanted to gasp a little, but with effort, I kept my 
breathing steady.

"It's dark, with scattered bits of light."

"You can see the stars?"

"No, just the city lights." I pinched the tightening 
flesh and the muscles between my legs twinged, I began 
squeezing them in rhythm with my fingers. I had to be 
careful to continue breathing naturally. "It looks much 
better at night. Right outside my window I can see this 
god-awful tower with this globe thing impaled on it. I 
think it's some sort of landmark, but there's all these 
radio and microwave thingy's on it that it spoils 
whatever charm it may have had."

"Thingy, dazzling me with those highly technical terms, 
huh?"

"Bite me, Chris."

It was out before I could take it back. My voice was 
tight, and I heard myself say this more as an urgent 
plea than as a curse. I could only hope he would ignore 
it. He didn't answer right away.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

I abruptly ceased my surreptitious explorations. 
"Maybe, among other things. But I won't go into that."

"Oh please, 'go into that', I'm curious."

I thrilled at the impish curl I heard. My clitoris 
reawoke in gleeful anticipation. I ran my thumb over 
the warm, smooth flesh I cradled in my hand. For the 
moment, Chris was unaware of my actions.

"I don't think we should go there."

"Go where?"

"You know."

"No, I don't know, why don't you tell me?"

Shit, the game men must learn from the cradle. Making 
it seem like it was all the woman's idea. Well, might 
as well get it over with. "Talking about sex, you do 
remember sex, don't you?"

"I don't think I do remember, could you describe it to 
me?"

I grasped the soft breast and kneaded it, rolling and 
teasing the nipple again. I imagined that grin of his, 
if only he knew. "Well, yes I could. I could describe 
it quite well, in fact." I stopped. I heard a soft, 
clear, sensible tone, "But I don't think that would be 
a good idea."

"I suppose you're right, you have a boyfriend, after 
all." I heard a curl from burning incense belie the 
words and beckon me into some hazy, heady chamber.

"And we're colleagues."

"And we're colleagues." he replied, suddenly as hard 
and grey as pewter. "Maybe that's a good thing, though. 
Can I ask you something?"

"I guess."

There was a pause. The facts diffused in the moonless 
night. "Do you feel like a whole person right now?"

Yes, I did. That was it, wasn't it? The reason I 
pursued this man against all my better judgment. I felt 
that I could explore all of myself, without the fear of 
excluding him or leaving him behind.

"Yes. What about you?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know," Chris offered 
cautiously. "I haven't thought about it as much as you 
have. Maybe, you're not the only one who's been 
avoiding the future."

"So if something happened tonight, nothing would be 
resolved." I felt my body withdraw, or perhaps merely 
hesitate.

"We wouldn't be alone."

I paused a moment. Why had I called in the first place? 
Because I was alone. Put this in perspective, Meg. Life 
is short, I thought.

"Okay."

"Okay? Meg, you mean that?"

"Yes."

"Well, then," suddenly Chris was silent.

We were starting from scratch. Now what? "Cat got your 
tongue?"

Chris let out a burst of nervous laughter, "Heh-heh, 
she said tongue."

I let my voice drop a little, adding some huskiness to 
it, "Yes, I did."

"Oh wow, I like your voice like that. it sounds like."

"The voice of your car? 'The door is ajar,'" I said, 
with a deep, even voice.

Chris chuckled in recognition, "Yes. You've done this 
before, haven't you?"

"Mmm hmm," I hummed in wordless affirmation, "Are you 
comfortable?"

"Uh. for the most part, I'm on my bed, and you?"

"No, I'm sitting by the window. The lights are off so 
no one can see in."

"Aw, not an exhibitionist?"

"Oh, I can be, but that would take the focus away from 
you."

Chris laughed again, but it seemed more relaxed, "How 
thoughtful of you."

"I do my best."

"Hmmm... really? What are you wearing?"

"My bathrobe, do you want me to take it off?"

"Not yet. Are you wearing anything underneath?"

"No."

"Are you touching yourself?"

"I have one hand under the robe, cradling my breast."

"Just cradling it?"

"Well, I could do more if you'd like.'

"Yes, I would like."

"I'm taking the nipple between my fingers and rolling 
it, pinching it a little. It's a bit cold in here, so 
they both feel nice and tight. Mmmm. I'm getting a bit 
of reaction down below."

"Down below? You think you could be more specific?"

"Sorry. I usually don't have a problem saying those 
words, it's just that. Well, you're different."

"It's okay, you have my permission to say 'pussy.'"

"Umm. I feel my pussy beginning to twinge again."

"Again?"

"Yeah, well... I was doing this before. right when you 
called me back."

Chris let out a short grunt, "Oh man, so you're telling 
me that all this time. Hold on a sec, I'm going to have 
to get rid of the jeans."

I heard the rustle of fabric. "Okay, I'm back. Wow, you 
were touching yourself while we talking, huh? Well, 
that little piece of information got quite a reaction. 
Please, tell me more."

"I'm glad you're... um... responding. I'm rubbing my 
thumb in circles around the areola, now. I'm becoming 
more aroused, especially since I know that I've had an 
effect on you. I'm going to slip my hand between my 
legs. First, I slide it down my belly, warming the cool 
skin. I've gotten to my... uh... pussy and I separate 
the folds with my fingers. I've become very wet, my 
fingers are covered in the warm, slippery fluid. How 
are you doing?"

"I am very well, thank you," he replied from an 
insubstantial haze. I listened for indications of his 
arousal, the shortness of breath, urgency in his voice.

"What are you doing?"

"I've got my hand around my cock, and I'm stroking it 
slowly.

Listening to you please yourself."

"Okay, I return to my pussy and begin pressing on my 
clitoris in small circles. It's slick from the wetness 
and that makes the tingling more intense. I can feel 
the tension building."

"Meg, I've got this picture of you lying on your back 
with your robe half open and the city lights behind 
you. I can just imagine you arching your back. I'd walk 
over and watch you get more and more aroused."

I used his image, seeing Chris stand over me. I 
continued rubbing myself, frequently pressing two 
fingers along the valley between my inner lips and into 
my depths. All the while, describing it to the other 
voice. I opened my robe and let the cool air nip at my 
skin, opening myself to the sensual experiences 
available to me. My flesh and my voice both felt tight 
and swollen and I needed more.

"Chris, I need you to talk to me, please."

He told me how he wanted to taste me and cover me with 
his own body. He wanted me to feel him in order to 
bring me closer to the edge, but I needed only to hear 
him speak of his desires. His voice had thickened into 
grey-blue storm clouds, and in my mind I stood facing 
the wind, awaiting the downpour. Chris' once placid 
timber now possessed me, gusts of arousal buffeting and 
twirling around. The words were secondary to the 
thundering passion.

"I have you up against the wall, and I lift up one 
thigh around me," he huffed. "I press my cock against 
your entrance and drive myself in. Sorry, Meg, but I'm 
just going to take you now, thumping you hard against 
the wall.

"I grab your ass and press my hips against yours. I 
feel you cock rub inside of me as I clamp down on it. 
Uh. Please, keep talking. I'm almost there." 

I looked outside at the lights, imagining that some 
trick of lighting displayed my legs and my robe spread 
open for all to see. I began squeezing my pelvis, 
pushing down with all my strength. My own moans were 
like the wind over an old house, keening and shuddering 
under the assault. I pressed my feet into the wall as I 
squeezed and sweat. My hand rubbed urgently between my 
legs as lightning struck, heat and electricity searing 
my flesh. I trembled and slid to the floor, listening 
to Chris' own distant tempest.

"I'm done baby." I panted, "Thank you. What can I do 
for you now?"

There was only a heavy stillness, evoking images of 
dripping trees and a lightening sky. "I kind of figured 
that, that you were done. You don't need to do 
anything, that last part put me over, when I heard you. 
Thank you."

The wind had died down and the storm had run its 
course. I looked outside to see the moon appear from 
behind the clouds.

"I wish I could hold you, Meg. I wish I could have seen 
you." Chris' said in periwinkle tones. His tenderness 
curled up next to me as I slipped into bed.

"Yes, I know, but it was lovely hearing your voice."

"I'm about to fall asleep, Meg. We should talk when we 
get the chance."

"Yeah, go to sleep. We can talk later."

"Night, Meg."

"Good night, Chris."

I kept the curtains open and watched the few stars that 
could be seen over the city lights. The clouds had 
passed and it was a clear night. I didn't know if I 
would stay with Tommy or pursue something with Chris, 
but I knew I didn't feel alone anymore.

I felt whole.

END

Lucinda Gavin -- lostgirl33@hotmail.com
ftp://ftp.asstr.ml.org/pub/Authors/Lostgirls_Library/

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Please keep this story, and all erotic stories out of
the hands of children. They should be outside playing
in the sunshine, not thinking about adult situations.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kristen's collection - Directory 29