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Archive name: cod.txt (M, hist)
Authors name: Holly Rennick (jlrennick@yahoo.com)
Story title : Codpiece
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This work is copyrighted to the author © 2004. Please
don't remove the author information or make any changes
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Codpiece
by Holly Rennick (jlrennick@yahoo.com)
***
Some attire shouldn't go out of style. (M, history)
***
by Holly Rennick and Cindi Barton
AUTHORS' NOTES:
This is the fifth paper submitted for journal
publication. In review are: Cindi's Top Tips for
Sibling Success, Notes on Oneida, Chocolate and Hockey,
and Cuckold.
PREFACE:
"Why the jock strap over your jeans, Cindi?"
"It's not a jock strap, Holly. It's supposed to be a
codpiece. I'm making a statement."
"I suppose you are. Any I idea what kind of statement?"
"That we don't have penis envy."
"Penis envy?"
"Here's what my psyc text says. (I didn't sell it back
because you see how I spilled coffee in it.) 'Freud
believed that during development, girls switch the
mother to the father as the love object, and also
switch from the clitoris to the vagina as the main
genital zone. At about age four, a girl discovers she
lacks a penis and blames her mother. This causes the
girl to give up clitoral sexuality. This aspect of
Freud's theory has received a great deal of criticism
from feminist psychoanalysts."
"Keeps 'em employed. So that's why you're wearing a
jockstrap?"
"A codpiece, I told you. You agree about us going to
the vagina? I still like both."
"But I can't do my vagina myself. Anyway, Cindi, why
are your wearing that?"
"To make a point about them looking at our bras and up
our skirts. Sort of like being a performance artist."
"Well, you know Cindi, the public may not exactly get
the connection. Maybe we should publish another
article."
"You think? Like do research about penis envy?"
"And codpieces. To see what your statement is stating,
Cindi. There should be a point. So let's get in square
brackets so they'll know when we're just thinking out
loud. I'll look up penis envy since I'm the language
person"
P.C. DICTIONARIES
1) Collins English Dictionary: "A Freudian concept in
which envy of the penis is postulated as the cause for
some of the characteristics found in women."
2) American Heritage Dictionary: "The supposed wish of
a girl or woman to have a penis, postulated by Sigmund
Freud as a cause of feelings of inferiority and psychic
conflict."
3) New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy: "In Freudian
theory, the repressed desire of females to possess a
penis. Penis envy is also used generally to mean a
supposed female envy of men."
4) WordIQ.com: "The contested Freudian belief of a
woman envying men for having a penis."
[Actually, Cindi, we've already uncovered the
psychology of the psychology. See the terms
"postulated, supposed and contested"? Would they thus
define "gender equity" as a "supposed principle" that
men and women are equal? Shoot no! But because they
have to be politically correct, they can't admit that
we want a penis bouncing around when we go jogging.]
[That's why I'm making my statement with a codpiece, to
hold it out of the way, sort of like your minimizer
bra.]
[Cheap shot, Miss Ironing Board. You're the one who
watches movies. What's up? Get it? Penis envy. What's
up at the Cineplex? Write a review.]
POP CULTURE
Hello Moviegoers. Rent "Penis Envy" for an evening with
your bridge club. The cast includes Marylin Star,
Lexxxy, Denee Dreams, Ashley Heart, Paige Powers,
Jennifer Steele, Dinah Sunrise and Cheyenne Wylde. No
cast with real penises, we note. Marylin is obsessed
with her lack of said organ. Luckily she's a popular
chick with sexy girlfriends. After she dildos her
luscious partners at her mansion, she calls an escort
services for more. It's not very interesting, actually,
unless they actually did what they did. Be careful whom
you go with.
[But more down your line, Holly, Woody Allen is
overwhelmed with the angst of it. Here's from three of
his films.]
Woody dismissed penis envy in Manhattan Murder Mystery:
"I'd fix Ted up with Helen Dubin, but they'd probably
get into an argument over penis envy; the poor guy
suffers from it so." But in Zelig, it's, "I worked with
Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis
envy. Freud felt it should be limited to women." And in
Annie Hall, Diane Keaton asks, "Then she mentioned
penis envy. Do you know about that?" His answer, "Me?
I'm one of the few males who suffer from that."
[Hey, Holly, isn't Woody Allen a pedophile?]
[But with underage girls, not like Michael Jackson.]
[Yuck! Did you know that he used to be Black?]
[We'll write about Michael Jackson's penis envy some
other time, Cindi. So do we see penis envy in pop
music?]
Next on our hit list is "Penis Envy" by Uncle Bonsai.
Strum along, those that can, anyway.
"If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
"In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride.
"If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
"Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
"I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
"I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day.
"I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair.
"I'd play with my fly, albeit with care.
"I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets.
"Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets.
"If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain.
"I'd force it on females. I'd pee like a fountain.
"If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
"But I'd make much more money and conquer the world."
[Stop! Stop! We're supposed to be researchers, not
karaoke stars.]
[Then there's the codpiece and chaps look for Heavy
Metal artists. So I suppose you have poetry or
something, Holly?]
WHY A SCIENCE TEACHER CAN'T STAND SOME POETRY
[Well, as a matter of fact... Here's how Erica Jong's
"Penis Envy" starts.]
"I envy men who can yearn with infinite emptiness
toward the body of a woman,
"hoping that the yearning will make a child,
"that the emptiness itself will fertilize the
darkness.
"Women have no illusions about this,
"being at once houses, tunnels, cups & cupbearers,
"knowing emptiness as a temporary state between two
fullnesses,
"& seeing no romance in it.
"If I were a man doomed to that infinite emptiness,
"& having no choice in the matter,
"I would, like the rest, no doubt, find a woman
"& christen her moonbelly, madonna, gold-haired
goddess
"& make her the tent of my longing, the silk parachute
of my lust,
"the blue-eyed icon of my sacred sexual itch, the
mother of my hunger."
[It doesn't even rhyme, Holly! And who wants to be
called "Moonbelly"? You language teachers can't leave
good enough alone. "Casey at the Bat" is about the
United States and "Gunga Din" is really emotional. Your
class should be reading "The Cremation of Sam McGee",
not about needing a penis.]
[Dead white males. Anyway, Ms. Scientific Method, read
this!]
AND WHY AN ENGLISH TEACHER IS SUSPICIOUS ABOUT SCIENCE
The British Medical Journal had readers vote for the
top non-diseases. "We wanted to prompt a debate on what
is and what is not a disease and draw attention to the
increasing tendency to classify people's problems as
diseases," said the editor. A condition labeled as a
disease may bring sympathy, exemption from commitments,
sick pay, free prescriptions, insurance payments, and
access to facilities. Ageing was #1. Bags under eyes
was #4. Baldness was #6. Cellulite was #15. Penis envy
was #17, just ahead of road rage.
[So you science types are into penis envy too!]
[Well, Hollyhock, when we're old, bags under our eyes
and cellulite will be major problems, so I'm glad
they're doing the research.]
We thus conclude that penis envy is real, even if we
don't want one dangling in our way.
[But that still doesn't cover why you're wearing the
codpiece, Cindi. Here's about the word itself.]
CODPIECE, THE WORD
A codpiece was originally a flap or pouch attached to
the crotch of men's hose to provide a cover his
genitals. The flap would be closed by string ties or
buttons, the forerunner to Levis 501's.
Codpiece is not named for a fish.
[Oh. But when the fish market guy wraps a filet of ling
cod in white paper, don't you sort of see a tie, Holly?
And most guys like you to coddle their dick when you're
kissing.]
[Not etymological. Just listen.]
"Cod" in Middle English meant "bag" or "scrotum".
"Hosenbeutel" is codpiece in German. "Beutel" means
bag.
[Hosebag? Makes sense.]
"And 'Braguette" is the French. In Middle French
"boulge" means "leather bag" or "curved part".
[Like that skinny French bread, Holly? Humm. Some guys
do curve a little.]
[No Cindi. The bread loaf doesn't have the "r". In
Spanish, ask your hombre what's in his "bragueta". But
here's the key linguistic link. Bragueta also means,
"bracket, an architectural member, plain or ornamental,
projecting from a wall or pier, to support weight
falling outside."]
[Si, Senorita Hollita. A coupon for his koupin?]
[What?]
[I dated this guy from India.]
RAISON D'ETRE
[Pardon my French.]
Men literally used to put on their pants one leg at a
time. Leather leggings, the antecedents of Renaissance
hosiery, were tubes of animal skin joined rather
perfunctorily at the top. The crotch was left open for
"privy" functions. Protection from exposure was the
tunic.
But by the 14th century, taut hose had replaced
leggings, but the fit still required splitting the
front. The goods still hung loose under the doublet
Poor diet and the plague kept many from the statuesque
ideal. A trick to look taller was lowering the doublet
skirt waistline to give the illusion of elongated
trunk, while raising the hemline to reveal more leg.
From the 1340's to the 1360's, hems rose to mid-thigh.
When a man sat down or mounted his horse, there was a
clear view up his hose. The Parson in "Canterbury
Tales" criticizes these garments for their revealing
nature:
The codpiece, a triangular piece of fabric tied at the
three corners, or stitched at the bottom and tied at
the top, was invented to fill up the gap. The new, easy
access region allowed men to relieve themselves while
standing.
But what was no longer revealed could be artificially
enhanced under the masque of fashion.
The codpiece developed from a pouch, into a padded
pouch, and then into a very padded pouch. During the
15th and 16th centuries, it often doubled as a pocket
for money and a handkerchief. Finally the pouch idea
was discarded altogether, along with any pretense to
function.
HENRY VIII, CODPIECE KING
The codpiece attained loaf-shaped prominence in the
crotch of Henry VIII. Several reasons are proposed.
1) Outdoing the Italians. Queen Anne Boleyn reportedly
remarked to the visiting Duke Fabrizio of Bologna, "Be
that thine codling, or art thou glad to see me?" As
"codling" was 15th century English for either a small,
immature apple or any of several elongated greenish
cooking apples, was the Duke was being ridiculed or
complimented?
King Henry assumed Fabrizo's bulge to be the latest
Continental fashions and ordered his codpieces padded,
commanding, "My codpieces must compare favorably to
Bologna."
2) Medical. During his first marriage, Henry conducted
affairs with the Boleyn sisters Mary and Anne, the
latter who was to become Mrs. #2 of 6. Mary, who had
entered the French Court when she was eleven, the King
of France called "my English mare". Now already
married, Mary bore Henry two illegitimate children, one
a strapping boy. Poor Henry, yet childless in marriage,
sought a fertile bride in the figure of Mary's unwed
sister. Mary's legacy, however, was a royal case of
syphilis. Henry's exaggerated codpiece enclosed a
bandage to protect his royal clothing from stain.
3) Procreative Projection. So much did inability to
beget a male heir weigh on his mind, that Henry changed
the English religion. His exaggerated codpiece told all
that his Tudor equipment could not be at fault.
4) Warrior Dreams. King Edward III, 1327-1377, needed
every advantage in the Hundred Years' War. Legend had
it that Edward had the codpiece of his armor enlarged
because military prowess was correlated with endowment.
His knights did the same and the gullible French were
cowed by the advancing English penises.
As Henry VIII grew heavier, the sleeves of his doublets
grew wider, producing his famous silhouette. His
doublets were slit to show his codpiece, modest pouches
in their earliest incarnations, elaborately decorated
and stuffed in later years. Visit Henry's codpiece at:
http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/Holly_Rennick/Henry8
.jpg. Left, Hans Holbein's cartoon for the 1537
Whitehall Palace Mural, destroyed by fire in 1698.
Right, the 1667 copy by Remigius van Leemput, an
assistant of Van Dyck.
Henry continued to wear his three-sided codpiece,
replete with tufts and bows and medicated bandages
within until his death in 1547.
[Hey Holly? What's the difference between Henry VIII
and a codpiece?]
[I don't know, Cindi. A gauze bandage?]
[No. One's a dictator and the other's a dicktoter.]
[Good grief!]
THE AGE OF TROUSERS
Codpieces in the 1550 Spanish-Hapsburg court portrayed
permanent erections. Conquistadors, cocky from raping
Native Americas, sported codpieces of priapic
proportions.
[Hey Holly, "priapic"?]
[Look it up. Use it three times and own it.]
Male accoutrements for the Elizabethan (1558-1603)
court included braided and dyed beards (some orange in
honor of the Virgin Queen's red hair), a handkerchief
scented against the odors of a time without working
bathrooms and sword in bejeweled scabbard. Elizabeth I
especially liked male legs. A silk stockinged dance
partner could snag the Queen's attention with an
attractive oval poking from the folds of puffy
trousers.
Elizabeth's influence in dress was, however, more
towards the ladies with her stern and strict
silhouette. Perhaps it was being reminded of her
obligation to provide an heir that hastened the demise
of the codpiece.
It was homosexual Henri III of France who feminized
men's fashions. He enjoyed small muffs and earrings.
The codpiece became less bombast and by 1580
disappeared into the ever-more voluminous folds of
trunk hose. Men's wear was on its way to becoming the
modern shirt, vest, coat, trousers, and overcoat.
As with the toga of the past and the hoop skirt,
stovepipe hat and torpedo bra to come, the codpiece
joined the flotsam of fashion.
In the 17th century the term referred to the front
fastening of the breeches. "Churning the codpiece" is
still a reference to masturbation.
THEATER
Shakespeare refers to codpieces.
Cupid is "king of codpieces".
Hercules' "codpiece seems as massy as his club."
A maid asks of her mistress dressing in male disguise,
"What fashion, madam shall I make your breeches?... You
must needs have them with a codpiece, madam... A round
hose, madam, now's not worth a pin, unless you have a
codpiece to stick pins on."
That a man should be put to death for fornication,
"Why, what a ruthless thing is this in him, for the
rebellion of a codpiece to take away the life of a
man!"
[Here's another word you'll soon forget, Cindi;
"metonymy", the container standing for the contained.]
Sometimes Shakespeare's metonymy proceeds from the body
part to its owner. "Here's grace and a codpiece, that's
a wise man and a fool"
[But even if you don't catch their dialect, Cindi,
you'll enjoy nice codpieces if the costuming is
correct. Camille's having her drama class do Hamlet.
Maybe we could help in the fitting room.]
[Like we'd size them, you know, when they were doing
the Act? Get it, Holly? The Act? Or how about, "You
know, Ryan? You're going to get all chaffed watching
Ellie in her winch bodice. Let me undo this Velcro and
rub a little cod liver oil around inside your
codpiece... Oh, my! I do believe you need a size
bigger! You're more into modern productions, not this
Ye Olde stuff, right? Like 'Hair', where they take off
their clothes. Maybe we should be doing this oil in
that room where they store the old props."
{Camille gave me the key. Just ask. But back to
Shakespeare.]]
To tell somebody off while impressing them with your
Elizabethan language, say "Thou" + an adjective from
List A + a hyphenated adjective from List B +
"codpiece".
List A: Bawdy, Bootless, Clouted, Craven, Currish,
Dankish, Dissembling, Droning, Fawning, Fobbing,
Gleeking, Gorbellied, Impertinent, Mammering, Mewling,
Paunchy, Pribbling, Qualling, Ruttish, Saucy, Spleeny,
Surly, Tottering, Venomed, Villainous, Wayward, Weedy,
Yeasty.
List B; Base-Court, Bat-Fowling, Beef-Witted, Beetle-
Headed, Boil-Brained, Clapper-Clawed, Clay-Brained,
Crook-Pated, Dismal-Dreaming, Dog-Hearted, Dread-
Bolted, Earth-Vexing, Elf-Skinned, Fat-Kidneyed, Flap-
Mouthed, Fly-Bitten, Folly-Fallen, Hedge-Born, Ill-
Breeding, Knotty-Pated, Milk-Livered, Motley-Minded,
Onion-Eyed, Plume-Plucked, Pox-Marked, Shard-Borne,
Sheep-Biting, Spur-Galled, Swag-Bellied, Tardy-Gaited,
Tickle-Brained, Toad-Spotted, Unchin-Snouted.
[Try it, Cindi.]
[Thou droning dog-hearted codpiece! Queen Elizabeth
wouldn't say that!]
[Well spoken. It was the Virgin Queen, not the dowdy
one. So any codpiece movies not from Shakespeare?]
Don't miss "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" for Jim
Carrey's big furry codpiece and George Clooney's
codpiece close-up in "Batman And Robin", moviegoers.
Later, when Batgirl Alicia Silverstone swings into
action, her rubber bodysuit also gets featured. You can
buy Batman and Robin latex codpieces. If you want to
dress up like Alicia, though, you just undress.
[Thanks, Cindi. We'll look forward to your next visit
Hollywood.]
[And Holly, how 'bout a multicultural "Codpiece World"
documentary to discuss penis gourds worn in New Guinea.
Anthropologists say they protect the genetics and serve
an important social function. The guy with the longest
gourd could show me the function before they put me in
the cooking pot. And here's a book about future
codpieces, Ms. English Major!]
"Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" by Philip K.
Dick. Deckard, a bounty hunter of androids, is a human
whose Ajax model Mountibank Lead Codpiece protects him
from radioactive fallout. Otherwise he might fail the
mandatory test and lose his humanity.
ELDRIDGE CLEAVER
Eldridge Cleaver, former Black Panther, marketed
"cleaver" trousers with codpieces to display male
sexuality without having to act it out.
Unfortunately, Eldridge lacked the time to adequately
promote the fashion while running the Cleaver Crusade
for Christ, inventing "Christlam" combining
Christianity and Islam, flirting with Rev. Sun Myung
Moon and Mormonism, becoming a tree surgeon, supporting
of Ronald Reagan and trying crack cocaine -- "I got
curious."
So many interests! Since he was into religion, he could
have added the Christmas codpiece angle.
Santa hat with fuzzy pompom.
Rudolph with blinking nose.
Snowman with jaunty carrot.
Tree with tinsel and fairy lights.
[Hey, Holly, wasn't he a rapist too?]
[His defense was because he was Black.]
[Let's change the subject.]
A JOKE BY CINDI
This knight gets these chronic migraine headaches. One
day his barber/ surgeon offers, "I can cure thy
headaches, sir, but must cut off thy testicles to do
so."
The knight is horrified, but the headaches become worse
and worse. Finally, he goes back to the barber/
surgeon, "I care not anymore. Sever them to rid me of
these gleeking headaches!"
The barber/surgeon performs the operation and
immediately the headaches go away. The knight is
relatively happy, for this is the price for a life
without pain.
One day, to update his wardrobe he goes to the shire's
new tailor. As he enters the door, the tailor looks
carefully at him, "Thou wearest a 44 long tunic, dost
thou not, sir?"
The knight says, "How didst thou know?"
"Tis in the eye, my lord," says the tailor. "Thy neck
is seventeen plus one quarter inches, but given thy
build, a medium jerkin should suffice."
"That is incredible!" the knight exclaims.
"Hmm... And thou wearest a 36-large codpiece."
"Ah hah! But here thou art errant," the knight retorts
gleefully. "I wear a but a 32-small."
"Tis not possible," says the tailor. "A 32-small would
pinch thy testicles and give thee migraine headaches."
A MODEST PROPOSAL BY HOLLY
A codpiece for the 21st century: a trouser pocket in
which a dildo is centrally carried.*
*Patent pending, Rennick-Barton Industries. Not to be
confused with the belly bag worn at airports. Guys
often carry big croissants in them. Also not to be
confused with the Swiss Army codpiece.
Benefits for women:
When entering a crowded room, something to grasp other
than your partner's elbow.
Lesbian friendly
Protracted sex.
Safe sex if you run it through the dishwasher first.
Fast cycle, no dry.
Benefits for men:
When standing in a crowded room, something to grasp
rather than your penis.
No more stains from masturbation.
Choice of size and color at Dildos R Us.
Beer can holder.
Gay friendly. (May not apply to guys with beer cans.)
Option to watch TV during partner's protracted sex.
Safe sex, unless she does something unnatural to you
afterwards.
[Maybe we should give the Dildos R Us web site, Holly?]
[We can't include commercial stuff in a journal.]
[Can we included religion?]
[Why?]
['Cause at my church, we say, "Codpiece be with you.
And also with you."]
CONCLUSION
[So that's why I'm making this performance art
statement, Holly.]
[What can I say?]
[You can say that Ms. Barton's statement is very valid.
Women in codpieces are like men in skirts. (They do
that now in New York. I saw it on TV.) They don't have
vagina envy and we don't have penis envy.]
[But, Cindi dear, the academics would lambaste us that
the conceptualization doesn't fill a flea's codpiece.
How about this?]
Thus we conclude from the metonymy that the codpiece is
the dialectical objectification of both penile envy and
penile inferiority.
[Heavy, Holly! We never mentioned dials, though.]
[Don't worry, Cindi, I'm the theoretician and you're
the performer.]
[Oh. So, where's my purse?]
[Your lipstick's fine.]
[No, I need to get rid of this thing. I can't go out in
public wearing a jockstrap.]
THE END
Holly on the Web
Wherever you found this story on the web, thank you to
the server. My problem is that I've no systematic way
to update the various servers. As literary errors (or
just poor word usages) are made known to me, I'll
repair that which is salvageable on
http://www.asstr.org/~Holly_Rennick/. My website's not
much graphically, I admit, but HTML isn't my native
language.
You can contact me via the site's message form, that
HTML code by the smart people at ASSTR.
I won't be changing the story significantly, so if you
didn't like it before, that much will remain the same.
But if you did like it, an update may read a bit more
cleanly.
Holly
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Please keep this story, and all erotic stories out of
the hands of children. They should be outside playing
in the sunshine, not thinking about adult situations.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kristen's collection - Directory 27