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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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Archive name: journal.txt (MM, teens, mast)
Authors name: IdreamCanU (junkfile@comcast.net)
Story title : Journal of A Teen
--------------------------------------------------------
This work is copyrighted to the author © 2003. Please
don't remove the author information or make any changes
to this story. You may post freely to non-commercial
"free" sites, or in the "free" area of commercial sites.
Thank you for your consideration.
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Journal of A Teen (MM, teens, mast)
by IdreamCanU (junkfile@comcast.net)
***
A teen is upset over his life and attempts suicide.
Prior to the attempt he recalls what got him to this
point.
***
This is a tale of a homosexual nature involving two
teens. If this is not your style stop reading - if it is
hope you enjoy. This is after all fiction - no one was
used, abused, or covered in chocolate. Take it for what
it is fantasy... nothing more nothing less. If you are
looking for a JO story or lots of hot action move to
another tale - this is one of friendship and love not
sex.
***
My senses were alive. I could feel the cold sting of rain
across my cheek, ice-cold metal pressing my hands, and my
ears were abuzz with the sound of traffic below me. Yup,
that's me senses alive but I felt dead inside - so dead
inside that I was hanging onto a guardrail preparing to
leap into traffic. Not three days from my 16th birthday
and all I wanted was to die.
I was slowly counting down in my head - 20, 19, 18,17...
counting toward the end of my pain. Watching cars wiz by
not caring whose life I'd fuck up when I landed. I
thought of what lead me to this point.this point of no
return... this time for me to end my pain...
I've always kept my feelings bottled up inside, building
up until I was ready to explode, I don't know why I do
this but I do. Well I did, that is until I started
keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings. For once
instead of building up and up I was able to purge
feelings by placing them on paper. Every evening alone in
my room I'd write down my deepest feelings, my thoughts,
and at times a running log of my day.
I'm Aaron by the way, almost 16 and have finally admitted
to myself that I was gay. I'm scared and ashamed of these
feelings sometimes but try as I may I cannot make them
vanish. I hope and pray every night that I would change
but my feelings for guys got stronger and stronger. I
guess I gave up on fooling myself, I couldn't change and
needed to live with that.
I live in a nice area, not too city and not too country.
I have lived in the same house for my entire life with my
dad. My mom left us to "find herself" when I was six and
I guess she was still "lost" because we haven't heard
from her since. My best friend is Andrew - Andy to
everyone, I've known him since kindergarten almost nine
years.
We are "like peas and carrots" as Forrest Gump would put
it. Spending summers together - either me on vacation
with his family or Andy with mine. Andy was a little
taller than me standing about 5'9". We both ran track at
school and stayed very active. Andy had Yellow blond hair
and seemed to always have a tan where as I had black hair
and burned in the sun.
We hung around together and our minds - well his mind
always seemed to be on some girl in school. Boy did he
love to talk about the girls.Anne this, Debbie that... I
would listen and wish I could be like him. I played
along, but when I was talking about liking this girl or
that girl I was really thinking about Andy.
We are both in the ninth grade and though we go to the
same high school we aren't in any classes together, but
we see each other at lunch.
I discovered masturbation around eleven or so and rushed
over to share my discovery with Andy - to my surprise he
had known about this for a little while. I remember being
pissed that he didn't tell or show me but oh well. I felt
love for Andy, not lust but love and yes I know the
difference. The first feelings for him were early on, we
had never done anything together but when I jerked off
all I could think about was him.
Under the covers at night I would fondle my nuts with one
hand while slowly stroking my young cock with the other,
all this while pictures of Andy were dancing in my head.
I just love the feelings I can give myself - the slow
pressure as my cock fills with blood - my nuts bouncing
up and down, and most of all the sound of my breathing
turned me on to no end.
As I lay there I thought of Andy's body, I had seen him
naked while we changed but never aroused. I wanted to see
him in my bed hard and begging me to suck him. I had
never sucked on a penis before but I knew I wanted to, I
wanted to with all my being.
Staring at my cock I imagined it was Andy's. My minds eye
could see me licking the head, tasting his pre-cum -
tasting what he was making just for me. As I sucked on my
finger pretending it was him my hips were bucking up to
meet my fist. I could feel my balls pulling tight against
me and that wonderful pressure built at the base of my
rod.
"Oh shit," I moaned shooting several globs onto my
stomach and chest,
Catching my breath I played with the cum wishing it could
be his. I brought my fingers to my mouth and sucked some
jizz across my tongue. I had developed a taste for this
ever since the first load I shot at twelve. Boy that was
an amazing awakening - my first real cum will never be
forgotten - does anyone really forget that day?
Oh yes, I told you I started a journal didn't I?
I kept a spiral notebook with me at all times now and
when I felt down or emotional I would jot down my
thoughts. Sometimes just bullshit but mostly my feelings
for Andy or comments on some hot dude I'd seen around. I
didn't censor myself but put exactly what I felt. I'd
write how hot someone's ass was, how many times and how I
jerked off, and most of all my feelings about Andy and
being gay. This book became my savior, a place of
serenity amidst a sea of turmoil. I know I'm being a
little melodramatic but who gives a fuck.
When I awoke in the morning I hopped in the shower and
got ready for school. There were only a few months until
summer, and then I could be free from waking up at 6
o'clock in the morning.
"Morning Dad," I said grabbing some bread to make toast.
"Mornin'," he grunted back never looking up from the
newspaper.
That's my dad - not a morning person at all.
"Bye" I called as I headed out the door. If he answered I
didn't hear him.
Andy was a few yards ahead of me and I jogged to catch up
to him. "Shit, slow down dude," I called as I came along
side him.
"Oh, hi." He answered blankly.
"Somethin' up?" I inquired. This was unlike him - he was
always the upbeat one while I was the melancholy one.
"Grounded." He simply stated.
I asked, "What's the sentence?"
"One week, no TV, no computer. Sucks."
He sounded pissed and standoffish so I got the feeling he
didn't want to talk too much about so I didn't press the
issue.
"Catch you at lunch." He told me as he headed off to his
1st period class.
"Later."
I am glad he wasn't mad at me - being grounded did suck
but if that was the issue then it would pass. I stopped
on the stairs and opened my journal - I wrote about
masturbating to Andy's image last night and that he was
grounded. Thumbing through the pages I couldn't believe
how many times I jerk off. Judging by my entries it must
be about once a day and sometimes two or three. "I'm a
fucking freak." I said to myself as I closed the book and
went into class.
I found my thoughts again turning to Andy - this was now
almost a constant occurrence and was starting to frighten
me. Could I chance telling him how I felt? We've been
great friends for so long and he was very open minded on
many things. "Could I chance it?" I asked myself again. I
whipped out my journal and started a new list, a list of
pros and cons of telling Andy
Talk to Andy?? What would happen?
#1 "Fuck off Aaron you faggot!!" "Hey everyone Aaron's
queer!"
#2 "Oh Aaron, do me - make me cum!"
I guess it would be either one or something in the
middle - what to do?
Sitting in class my mind drifted away thinking about my
life. I didn't learn one damn thing in school all day
because of my thoughts. Lunch was good, Andy being there
not the food that is.
"Want to catch a movie next week?" I asked. "We could
make it a parole present."
He looked at me for a few moments, "sure, what you want
to see?"
"Your party your choice."
"How about that new Jim Carry 'God' flick?"
"You're on," I replied. "The tickets and drinks are on
me, you're on your own in the snack department."
We go to the movies quite often, him paying one time and
me the next. As always we smuggled something to eat
avoiding the super marked up price of goobers.
We took off for our afternoon classes when the bell rang
and as I watched him pull ahead of me again I wandered
what I should do.
If I open the 'gay' door by telling Andy would he blab to
everyone? Would he tell my dad? God, my dad would just
kill me. All the jokes I've heard him tell his friends
were gay bashing types, he was always calling this person
or that person a faggot. Every tine those words left his
mouth my heart would sink and I would distance myself
even more emotionally both from him and the world around
me.
I ended up walking home alone in a daze - not thinking,
just walking. I was coming to a crossroads in my life and
knew.
I stopped at a bus stop and opened the journal.
I'm fucking fed up. I can't think - can't breath - can't
feel normal. I need to do something and fast. I can't
take these feelings alone. I need to feel loved and
welcome - I want to be held. Why can't I be like Andy and
everyone else? Why can't I be normal!!!
Jerk off. Fantasize. Dream. Is this all there is? I need
an out - I need to be free.
I'm now gay what to I do?
Tell dad? Fuck no he hates "fags". I love him so much and
am afraid he will leave like mom. NO GO!! He must not
know.
Tell Andy? Danger play also - would he still like me?
Could he be gay? No, there is no way he is gay - damn!
Who can I talk to? Can I talk? I trust Andy with so many
things. He knows about my feelings of abandonment with my
mom and he knows I cry sometimes worried that my dad
doesn't love me. He doesn't laugh at me. He doesn't make
me feel bad for crying. Can I tell him? How do I do it?
I shut the book and looked around making sure no one was
observing me. I felt a little less stressed writing my
thoughts down. Looking to the sky I made a decision, one
that I hoped was right - I was going to tell Andy I was
gay. I saw no other choice, not telling and hiding was
killing me inside. I was being eaten away with fear and
loathing for who I was and felt I deserved better. No,
prayed I could have better.
"I'm home!" I yelled, walking into the living room.
Getting no answer I headed into the kitchen, I guess dad
was working a little late this evening. He was almost
always here by the time I got home but it seems the last
few months his boss was making him put in a few extra
hours.
Knowing I had some time I sat at the table and finished
up my homework. I heard my dad come in just as I was
finishing up.
"Hi pops." I said as he came into the kitchen.
"Hi boy," he answered.
This was out normal ritual - me telling him he was old
and he kept reminding me that I was a kid. Unfortunately
there was no real communication either.
"I'm beat, pizza ok?" he asked pulling up a chair.
"Cool. The Hut or big D's?"
"You order, call who you want." He told me.
Wow I get to make a decision I thought sarcastically -
this could be life altering. I pushed away those thoughts
and ordered us a pie then headed up to my room.
Note to self - check library and web for coming out help.
Get hair cut. What should I wear to the movie? Maybe I
could spend the night. Maybe I could blow Andy - suck him
and squeeze that ass while he filled me with his juice.
Thinking about Andy got me all worked up. I slipped into
bed and unbuckled my jeans sliding them to my knees. I
knew I had only a few minutes but I needed to cum -
needed to let the day wash away with a big load.
I wrapped my cock in some tissue to aid in the eventual
clean up and started slowly stroking myself to a major
hard-on. I was feeling real good - my cock tingling - my
mind and body searching for the release I needed.
Rolling onto my stomach I started fucking my closed fist
- my cock sliding in and out of the tissue wrapped hand.
I used my free hand to stroke my ass imagining all the
while it was Andy's butt I was doing. I could hear him
moan as I slid in and out of him - his hand on my ass.
"Fuck, oh fuck." I grunted filling the tissue.
Collapsing on the bed I realized I had worked up on hell
of a sweat with my work out. Wiping my brow I headed
downstairs and found dad at the table - pizza, plates,
and drinks already set to go.
We ate in silence - again as normal. Did anyone have
conversations anymore?
I looked up and saw him looking at me, not eating.
"Aaron, do me a favor," He said after some time. "Keep
the noise down a little ok?"
"What?" I asked. Did he mean what I think he did? Did he
hear me jerking off?
"Aaron, I'm not stupid and believe it or not I was 15
once also." He retorted. "A little respect for those in
the house, ok?"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!! He did hear me. I looked at the
plate not wanting to make eye contact. This was so
embarrassing - he not only knew, ok I guess he always
knew I mean we are both guys, but he had heard me. Heard
me get off. Did he hear me call Andy's name? Did I call
his name? I didn't know - I knew what I was thinking but
was lost in the act itself and had no clue what I said or
how loud I said it.
As quickly and normally as possibly I slipped from the
table and started upstairs. I almost escaped but felt my
father grab my arm.
"Kiddo, I'm sorry."
Sorry? What for? Was he actually apologizing fir
embarrassing me?
I liked into his eyes for a second and shrugging my
shoulders I walked away. I didn't really know what to say
and thank God he didn't press the issue.
It seemed that issue with my dad was forgotten but I
still found it difficult to look him in the eyes. Man I
was mortified he said something to me - knowing was one
thing but you didn't talk about this with your parents.
Shit, joking about it with your friends was the only
acceptable means of discussing jerking off, and then only
accusing them of it because you would never do something
like that!
Andy was finally cut loose from his punishment and after
getting permission to stay over we headed out to the
movies. It was still a few months until we could get our
learners permits so the only mode of transport was our
feet.
I paid for the tickets and grabbed a couple of pops for
us to drink. I loved the movies, where else could you
escape reality and drink a 52-ounce beverage.
Andy led me to the back corner, our favorite location in
this theatre. It was very dark and we felt like we could
do all the people watching and never get caught staring -
it was our little spy game we have had for many years.
After we settled down I noticed Andy moving around and
nearly passed out when I saw he was opening his pants up.
"What're you doing?" I whispered in surprise.
"Snack time." He replied.
I watched as he reached into his pants and pulled out two
large bags of gummy bears. That little shit had taped one
bag to each thigh. I was getting hard watching him fiddle
around, pulling and tugging at his thighs.
"Enjoy." He said handing me the very warm bag.
Not knowing what came over me I put the bag under my nose
and took a big whiff. I could smell his sweat but really
could not smell anything else.
"You need a shower." I told him sniffing loudly at the
bag.
He looked at me, paused for a second then replied. "Wash
this freak," while grabbing his crotch.
We both got a laugh at that snide comment, but I got a
little thrill also.
As we watched the movie we would bump feet and legs every
so often - I wasn't making a move these things were just
happening. I wasn't complaining because every time we
made contact I would get a little electrical tingle up
and down my spine that seemed to terminate in my groin.
The flick was ok, but Jim had made better movies. We were
bull-shiting on the way home to kill time and on a whim I
asked Andy "if you had no choice, none at all but to cut
off your balls or suck a dick what would you do?"
"Fuck you asshole." He said pushing me.
"I'm serious what would you do?" I asked again.
"Well, what would you do?" he countered.
"I asked first," I reminded him.
He had this strange look on his face like he was working
out how to answer without getting himself in a bind. This
was amusing and strangely erotic to watch.
"Aaron, I really don't know." He stated. "Do you?"
Moment of truth had arisen - he turned the tables on me
and I wasn't fast enough to counter.
"Well, I guess I'd have to suck a dick - I need my balls
and the dick thing is only temporary." I answered
honestly. "I'm not losing my balls - I need them."
He nodded and said he "guessed" he'd do the same.
We crashed in his room, lounging around in our boxers -
playing a few video games.
I lost three games in a row before I just sat back and
watched him play. I watched and every few seconds I'd try
to work up enough courage to speak to Andy - to talk to
him about how I felt. I could feel the words on my tongue
- played out what to say over and over again but nothing
would come out.
"Something wrong?" Andy asked looking over his shoulder.
He had noticed I had gotten quiet and knowing me stopped
his game and sat down beside me.
He let me sit there for several minutes. He remained
silent waiting for me to say something - he was
unbelievably patient while I sat in turmoil.
"Andy I want to talk but am not sure how to. I need - I
mean I, well. Fuck forget it."
"No, not forget it," he pushed, "something's wrong - what
gives."
I was cornered now - I started to tell him but the words
were trapped. I was shaking from fear and my heart was
pounding in my chest. I watched him I know it was only a
few seconds but felt like a week - before I could speak I
felt a solitary tear roll down my cheek.
As I've said I've know Andy for a very long tome and his
reaction to the tear was one that both surprised and gave
me strength.
"Aaron?" He was looking at me with deep concern, his
finger on my cheek catching the tear.
When I felt his finger on my face I let go, for the first
time since my mother left I broke down - broke down and
let loose with emotion that no one should have to carry.
I rocked with sobs and felt Andy's arms around my
shoulder holding me.
"Sorry," I said standing up and trying to move away.
He followed me to his bed and sat beside me.
"What gives?" he asked, again wiping the tears from my
cheek.
I didn't answer instead I held his hand and kissed his
fingers several times. I don't know what came over me but
that was the only way I could think of to thank him for
his concern. On about the fourth kiss he jerked his hand
away and looked at me with a very perplexed expression.
"I love you." I said softly. BOOM! Done! The words were
spoken - no going back now.
"You mean what I think you mean, don't you?"
I nodded and waited for his reaction. After a minute or
so when he didn't speak I said again, "I love you - I
can't help it I just do."
I spent the nest hour telling him that I was gay and he
was the person I really liked. I told him about my fear
of rejection, how I was afraid of my dad's reaction if he
knew - I let Andy into my life further than I've ever let
anyone in before. He thought he knew me and I sat there
and proved him wrong - I held nothing back. The
floodgates were opened and out poured my soul.
When I was finished he got up without saying a word and
went to the bathroom. I sat there in anguish while
listening to him take a shower.
"I'm going to bed." He said simply when he returned.
He hit the lights and crawled into his bed without
another word.
I waited for about fifteen minutes and crawled into his
spare bed. It was a restless night I just laid there
crying silently and wishing I had not chosen to tell him
how I felt.
I must have dozed some because when I awoke the sun was
coming up and giving the room an eerie glow. Walking
across the room I sat down quietly on the corner of his
bed looking at his sleeping form. He was sweating a bit
and his hair was matted to his forehead giving him the
appearance of someone who just finished a race.
I reached forward and brushed his hair back to better
view his face but he awoke at my touch.
"Get of me." He hissed pushing my off the bed.
"I wasn't doing anything." I told him feeling guilty. In
truth I was sitting on his bed and touching him without
permission so I "was" in fact doing something.
"Don't touch me, ok? I don't like it." He told me. "Why
don't you head home - I need to think."
"Let's talk, please." I pleaded.
I was hoping we could talk out what happened last night.
Hoping this could be resolved and that we could still be
friends. Realizing that he wasn't going to talk yet I
started to get dressed to head home.
"I'm sorry Andy, I can't help how I feel. Do you think I
want to feel like an outcast? I continued, "I want to be
your friend - damn we've been buds forever. Now I've
screwed it up and all I can do is hope you can
understand."
"Just let me think ok?"
"Can we talk now?" I begged.
"Please go - let me think ok. Aaron this is too much now.
I don't know how I feel - just go, please. I don't want
to fight but goddamn it I need time to think"
I had lost this battle but I felt like I still had a
chance to be friends - he didn't yell or anything but he
wasn't happy and wanted me to leave him alone.
"Bye. I said grabbing my stuff and heading home. Walking
home with the morning sun coming up on my back I felt
alone and lost again.
The house was quiet when I got home, so as quickly and
quietly as possible I slipped upstairs hoping to avoid my
dad and having to answer any awkward questions as to why
I was home so early. After Andy told me to leave I didn't
need to face anyone - I didn't think I could even look my
dad in the face.
I climbed the stairs to my room ashamed and scared of
what I told Andy and wondering what he might say to his
parents or others. I crashed onto the bed and just felt
numb. I must have been tired because the next thing I
knew it was 10 o'clock in the morning.
I went to my desk and noticed my drawer was unlocked. I
must have forgotten to close it when I rushed off to
Andy's house. I felt ice run through my veins as I opened
the drawer to find my journal missing.
"Oh no." I whispered to myself.
I numbly walked downstairs to the kitchen. I smelled
coffee so I knew dad was up. I nearly screamed as the
phone by the couch rang as I passed it.
"Hello." I said answering it.
I heard Andy's voice asking me to come over so we could
talk but I heard no more as I saw my dad walk into the
living room.
He had my journal in his hands and I could tell from his
expression that he had read it.he must have been really
pissed at me because I saw how red his face was and oh my
god, oh my god there was what looked like hate in his
eyes.
"Oh god, dad. Oh no - Oh god." I moaned in anguish.
Dropping the phone I bolted for the door, not hearing him
calling my name. I had to go.had to flee this situation.
It hit me as I ran down the street, I had no choice. I
was never going to be accepted for who and what I was.
That was when I knew what I had to do, I had to get out
of this life. A feeling of calm washed over me as I
headed toward the highway overpass and my new fate.
As I stood on the bridge my senses were alive, I could
feel the cold sting of rain across my cheek, ice cold
metal on my hands, and my ears were abuzz with the sound
of traffic below me. I was slowly counting down in my
head - 20, 19, 18,17... counting toward the end of my
pain. Watching cars wiz by not caring whose life I'd fuck
up when I landed. I knew now that I was an outcast, my
life over. I held my breath - 4, 3, 2... air was forced
from my lungs as I fell.
I realized something was wrong - I was not falling but
being pulled backwards. I felt strong arms around my
chest as I fell to the ground. After a second I saw my
dad, the man who I thought could never love a person like
me. I saw that he was crying as he pulled me towards him.
"Oh my god Aaron, oh god" he kept saying over and over as
he rocked me. "Why?"
I thought he was asking why I was like I was but then I
got it.he was asking why I would ever think about killing
myself.
"I had no other choice, I saw your eyes." I answered. "I
saw you read my journal. I had no othe...
"Again he pulled me to his chest. "I love you. Do you
understand? You, nothing else - I don't care what you
think - I will always love you."
I was seeing for the first time the love in his eyes and
knew I was safe. "I'm sorry dad, I'm." I lost it and
hugged him tight.
While in his arms our tears mixing I saw Andy standing a
few feet away, he also had tears in his eyes. He had
heard my anguished cry, my dad calling to me and came
looking for me also.
I knew for the first time in my life that I was going to
be okay. I was loved for who I was and nothing would
change that.
End
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Author's Note: Suicide is a permanent solution to a
temporary problem and should never, NEVER, be considered
as an option. If you are having thoughts and feelings
leaning toward ending it all please go to a friend,
teacher, relative, crisis center/hotline, or anyone you
can trust. Remember that no matter what, someone does
indeed love you and would be devastated to lose you.
Don't become a statistic - you are much too valuable to
this world than that.
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Kristen's collection - Directory 24