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Archive name: bio4.txt (M+/F+, exh, orgy)
Authors name: Lor Oldmann (jamwad@hotmail.com)
Story title : Potted Biographies: Dumas and Hugo
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This work is copyrighted to the author © 2002. Please
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Potted Biographies: Dumas and Hugo (M+/F+, exh, orgy)
by Lor Oldmann (jamwad@hotmail.com)
***
Another imaginative biographical contribution to cosmic
culture in the form of the proposition that the shortest
distance between two authors is a bent lineage.
***
Dumas they come!
Hugo - I've just bin there!
There is absolutely no doubt about it: the two greatest
novelists of all time were Victor Marie Hugo (1802-85)
and Alexandre Dumas (1802-70). There is nothing in
English literature to compare with the stark reality of
'Les Miserables' or the bold swashbuckling romanticism of
'The Three Musketeers'. The nearest approach is made by
Sir Walter Scott and Charles Dickens.
Unfortunately Scott was incapable of putting pen to paper
without going on an ego trip, and every Dickens character
is a caricature. As one famous Hollywood producer
declared, "Films of stuff by Hugo and Dumas make
themselves." Another found Scott "Too boring for the box
office!" Yet another claimed that the most difficult task
in adapting Dickens for the screen was in giving his
characters flesh and blood and in making them believable.
"Porn oozes from every pore of Dumas and Hugo," declared
an American screen writer, "whereas sex is an
embarrassment to Walter Scott and an implied aside for
Charles Dickens."
The most exciting thing, meanwhile, to come from the
German language is the bowdlerised version of Mein Kampf.
And one critic suggested 'Il nome della rosa' by Umberto
Eco as the greatest Italian novel ever! Enough said. The
fact is: it is a two horse race; the novel is a French
art form! And Hugo and Dumas are the masters.
Behind every great master there are several mistresses.
It would appear so very pronouncedly in this case. Victor
Hugo led an immaculate life as a nice clean little French
non-Jewish schoolboy who obeyed his father (when that
great man opted to put in an appearance at home, for he
was anything but a good, well-behaved, non-fornicating
Frenchman) and followed his dear mama and her apron
strings everywhere. He was a virgin, as pure as the
undriven snow, when, at the age of twenty, he married
Sweet Adele Foucher.
She was not a virgin and had not been since her
fourteenth birthday party. Nor was Victor's brother,
Eugene, who was as daft as a toilet brush. Eugene had
already slept with Adele (many times). There is a strong
possibility that he made use of her body oftener, out of
wedlock, than Victor did in it. On the day Victor and
Adele were married, Eugene flipped the lid altogether and
had to be put into a lunatic asylum from which he never
emerged. Victor could well have followed him there when
his dear wife, in one of her many bouts of almost insane
petulance in the early days of married life, explained
why!
Victor Hugo, despite this, was a model husband until
Adele started having headaches, almost every night. And
almost every other night she was having a sordid little
rough and tumble with near relatives and friends,
neighbours and acquaintances, servants and trades people.
The most nearly permanent of these sexual wrestling
matches was with a very close friend of her husband, the
very much respected Charles-Augustin Sainte-Beuve. The
cuckold husband was shocked and surprised. Sainte-Beuve
was a notoriously lazy and incompetent bastard; the
wonder was that he knew how and took the trouble to lift
a lady's skirt. The husband forgave the pair.
Victor Hugo, however, retaliated by laying women left,
right and centre, high and low, rich and poor, here,
there and everywhere. When he sought refuge in Belgium
after the coup d'etat by Louis Napoleon his sexual
prowess became legendary until certain husbands and
fathers expressed regrets and he was forced to flee the
country. Later legend has it that the quick exit was for
political reasons - that he was harbouring refugees in
the way that a common cur harbours fleas!
He sought asylum in Jersey in the Channel Islands and was
politely asked to leave because of his outrageous sexual
behaviour there. It is said that following these
incidents his sexual activity always followed a clearly
definable pattern: if they wore a skirt, he'd have them.
The two affairs of his love life that gave him deepest
satisfaction were those involving the extremely popular
young actress Juliette Drouet and the famous society
hostess Leonie d'Annet both of whom provided him with his
most powerful inspiration. And who could ask more than
that?
It was this Juliette who declared, "I never imagined
there were so many ways of making love, until I tried
them all with Victor Hugo!" And Leonie decided, "Never
would I have believed a man capable of doing anything so
often and so thoroughly."
The one really enduring love affair, however, was with
his maid, Blanche Lavin. It was after a particularly
passionate session with Blanche that Victor Hugo died of
a stroke in his 83rd. year! And a nation, quite rightly,
mourned. Over two million people attended his funeral,
four fifths of whom, it is said, were women.
After his death, hundreds of women in Paris claimed to
have been seduced by him, some claimed to have been made
pregnant by him, a few even claimed that he had
bigamously married them. All agreed that he was one
helluva lover. One male friend demanded, after a
violently passionate affair with the ugliest woman in
Paris, how he could make love to such a grotesque face.
"Quite easily," replied Victor avec aplomb, "and to her
other parts with equal ease!"
Victor Hugo had always been interested in fairy lore,
spiritism and the occult. He himself claimed that he
obtained the title for 'Les Miserables' from a crude form
of Ouija board, and that the character of Quasimodo came
to him in a s‚ance. 'Les Miserables' was placed on the
Papal Index of Proscribed Books, ostensibly because of
this, but in reality because in it he dared suggest that
there could be such a thing as an evil priest and that a
priest could be capable of such an enormous sin as female
child abuse.
Victor Hugo was one of the greatest literary figures in
history. He was also one of the most thoroughly honest
men who ever lived. He made no excuses for his enormous
sexual appetite, and did not pretend that his many
affairs with married women were mere urban myths. He made
enemies because he exposed their hypocrisy and corruption
in politics and religion. He did not skulk into a sleazy
down-town brothel for his kicks, or find sexual
satisfaction up the backside of a choirboy like many of
his critics. His sexual philosophy is plain and is
clearly stated in his poetry:
You want to fuck? Let's fuck!
You don't want to fuck? Then fuck off!
It may not rhyme, but who cares?
There was definitely something in the air in France at
the beginning of the 19th. century. Alexandre Dumas Davy
de la Pailleterie was born in the same year as Victor
Hugo. Within two years either side of 1802, no fewer than
twenty famous Frenchmen took their first breath of life;
among them was a mathematician, physicians and surgeons,
a world renowned chemist, a theoretical physicist, an
encyclopaedist, a famous artist, a theologian and an
educationist. And the remarkable thing is that they were,
every one of them, utterly randy bastards who each
produced on average fifteen illegitimate children.
Dumas was the son of a general in Napoleon's 'Great Army'
and grandson of a minor nobleman who held an official
post in the French colony of Santo Domingo. Both men were
hyperactive when it came to matters of sex. His mother
was a rather loose-living daughter of an innkeeper and
his grandmother was a black slave of Afro-Caribbean
origin who bordered on nymphomania. Both women were
insatiable in their sexual relationships. The mixture of
race and social class and the fusion of inflamed libidos
was to prove explosive.
All these main roots showed in the life and work of the
novelist. Indeed, his life was every bit as thoroughly
exciting and as full of adventure as anything in his
novels.
Unlike Victor Hugo, Alexandre Dumas was no schoolboy
virgin. He had his first serious sex at the age of eleven
with a girl of sixteen. He had his first illegitimate
child while still in his teens. By his late teens he was
known popularly as 'Le Stud'.
Popular legend accredits him with about fifty
illegitimate children; twenty three positive hits can be
identified while he admitted to only three, the most
famous being Alexandre Dumas Fils whose mother was a
seamstress and who was conceived while the father was
twenty and completely pissed out of his mind. This son
grew into a pious little prick who became a writer and
dramatist like his more famous father, but who disowned
his father's life style and bored people sick moralising
about it.
One story about this pallid little bastard should
suffice. He was attending a scholarly and charitable
function in the house of a filthy rich patroness of the
arts when she offered him brandy. He held up his hands in
horror.
"Strong drink. Madame!" he exclaimed in his prissiest
voice. "I would sooner commit adultery!"
"Fair enough," replied the famous hostess, and ripped off
her clothes.
And Dumas fils fled for his life, and for the
preservation of his virtue, from the house.
Not so with Dumas, the father. He discovered his wife in
bed with his very close friend Roger de Beauvoir. The
offending pair were upset and obviously embarrassed at
being 'uncovered' until Dumas stripped and said, "Move
over! Make room! It's a cold night. Is there anything
left for me?" The irony is that Dumas had just left the
bed of another close friend's wife. That's the kind of
people they were at that time. Thank goodness we are much
more well-behaved and civilised.
Dumas married the actress Ida Ferrier in 1840, had an
intense sex session with her, spent her entire fortune,
then left her shortly afterwards. He made lots of money
from his own work but spent it twice as fast as he earned
it. He built the pretentious chateau de Monte Cristo
outside Paris, he bought fabulous works of art, gave
liberally to many charities, squandered lots of cash on
friends and mistresses and prostitutes. Once asked to
contribute 25 francs to help pay for the burial of a
bailiff, he gave 50 francs in the hope that it would help
bury two bailiffs.
He took a leading part in the Revolution of 1830,
supported Garibaldi in his struggle for Italian
independence, went to Russia and advocated the abolition
of serfdom. He added his considerable weight in support
of black rights in America. Mindful of his own roots and
aware of his own colour - he was always regarded as a
black man and had to overcome racial prejudice in France
and elsewhere - he was active in any struggle against
racism, religious discrimination or political
sectarianism.
He was one of the first men in the modern world to see
basic human rights for the individual as a political
issue. Long before UNESCO and WHO, he argued the case for
free and universal education of all children and for
social health care for the young, the sick and the
elderly, irrespective of their socio-economic status.
On the debit side, he quite literally had no idea of the
value of money. Like the prostitutes who wandered the
streets of Paris, money was a convenience that was there
to be used only when he could not get what he wanted for
free. He ran away from creditors wherever he went. He
left families destitute by his failure or refusal to pay
his debts. Never once did he hesitate and think about the
harm he could be doing by taking goods and services
without paying for them. Once approached by a poor
cobbler for payment, a year late, for shoes he had made,
Dumas exclaimed, "Christ, man! I owe a hundred times more
to more better people than you."
Like Victor Hugo he had an enormous appetite and could
eat at a single sitting what an entire Parisian family
would consume in a week. Correspondingly, he drank vast
quantities of wine and brandy and, later in his life,
acquired a taste for vodka, gin and Irish whiskey. Like
Victor Hugo also, Alexandre Dumas had a profound interest
in the supernatural: voodoo, spirit writing, tarot and
scriving. He attempted serious studies into various
branches of scientific parapsychology, like telekinesis
and telepathy. The modern far-fetched superhero of
television and comic strip, characters like Batman,
Wonder Woman, Spiderman, even James Bond, for the most
part, were preconceived by Dumas.
There is one joint contribution by Dumas and Hugo to the
character of one of the greatest nations on earth: they
restored the reputation and the self-confidence of the
French male. Until the Revolution of 1789, there is
little doubt that the average Frenchman was regarded by
the rest of the world as a pussy-footing effeminate who
was far more interested in powdering his nose and popping
real, over-ripe cherries past his painted lips than in
popping metaphorical hymenal cherries and providing the
Marquise de Pompadours with what they yearned for.
Until the days of Hugo and Dumas, the great lovers were
foreign visitors to France, Italian refugees and English
clergymen and their like. By the end of the first quarter
of the nineteenth century, Dumas and Hugo had become the
rule of thumb, rather than the exception. So-called
French kissing, and the reign of the Frenchman as the
world's classiest lover, dates from these two literary
geniuses.
Vive Dumas et Hugo!
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Please keep this story, and all erotic stories out of
the hands of children. They should be outside playing
in the sunshine, not thinking about adult situations.
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