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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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WARNING!
This text file contains sexually explicit
material. If you do not wish to read this
type of literature, or you are under age
Eighteen, PLEASE DELETE THIS FILE NOW!!!!
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An attempt at humor?!@&#?
-------------------------
Archive name: Seen_it.txt
Authors name: Modemac
Story Title : HUMOR: We've seen this before...
===================================================================
This will only mean something to people who've been reading erotica
for some time (6 months or more). If you're new to it, save this to
read for some future date, and it will mean more...
==================== Kristen's collection =====================
You enjoy reading erotic stories. You've seen every kink, fetish,
deviation, and position that could possibly be conceived...and a
few that couldn't. I'm sure you've seen a lot of stuff that looks
like this:
"He thrust his nine-inch rod into her steaming love tunnel."
"Fuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmefuckmefuckme..."
"he cummed and pumped gallons of cum into the vagina."
Yes, you've seen all of the overdone, unbelievable, outrageous, and
just plain silly clichés that creep into all of those sex stories
appearing on the Net over the years. But perhaps you may not
realize just how MANY text erotica clichés there are!
Here is an excerpt of some of the more common clichés found in
various written erotica. Of course, you've seen a lot more than
this meager list...and YOU can come up with a few new variations
yourself. If you know of a story variation that you've seen
repeated for the umpteenth thousand time, then let the compiler
(but not the sole author) of this list know about it!
The Top XXX Clichés of alt.sex.stories
http://www.tiac.net/users/modemac/cliches.html
* * *
So tell me...have you seen THIS before?
When a woman cums, she screams, "Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm
cuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiinnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggg!
!!!!!!!"
When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth
on it.
All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest
suggestion of sex.
When a man sees a pretty girl, his 9 inch penis immediately
becomes rock-hard and she always notices it. When she sees it, she
always smiles.
If you haven't lost your virginity by the age of 13, your life
is over.
Blond goddesses with gigantic breasts and gorgeous bodies are
all secretly in love with nerdy computer geeks, and their ambition
is to move into the apartment next door to a computer geek.
Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
Premature ejaculation? Never!
Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest
people on the face of the earth.
Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic
intercourse.
"...he thrust his nine-inch rod into her steaming love tunnel."
(Can't they write something a little more erotic and suggestive?)
When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him,
he is more turned on than angry.
When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck
other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
Or, in general - When one person wants some kind of non-standard
sexual behavior, everybody else agrees.
High school (and Jr. High) girls want sex, but don't know where
to get it. (Come on, guys. *You* lusted after all those girls in
HS. Do you think that they didn't know that? Do you think that the
present generation isn't doing the same? Do you think that you are
more impressive to a frosh girl than the senior football hero?)
A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with
her first fuck.
Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved
pubic hair.
People who want sex don't have any obstacles. Parents go out of
town for the weekend. When you want a matinee, your opposite number
doesn't have a business lunch scheduled. The professor who is offered
a sex slave for a passing grade doesn't fear entrapment. Your kid
doesn't call for a glass of water.
Kids leave the doors to their rooms open while they masturbate.
Parents leave their doors open while they have sex.
If a woman has intercourse during her fertile period, she will
get pregnant.
All Blacks are extremely well hung.
Any copulation between a white woman and a black male will
result in pregnancy.
Men who know women's bra sizes from outside their dresses.
All women wear garters instead of panty hose.
All women love pain, causes them to orgasm.
"...but when I found out that my husband (or wife) had been
seeing someone else, I wasn't angry...rather, I was excited!"
All women in a position of authority have secret desires to
be submissive.
All women with small breasts fantasize about having *REALLY
HUGE* ones.
"...Ohh, Billy, fuck me hard, fill my love hole, make me
cum..." (repeated endlessly)
Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
Everyone has a perfect body you could break a brick on.
A man who discovers that the attractive woman who has been
giving him a blowjob is really a guy will admit that he was a
latent homosexual anyway.
All women in sex stories can give great head. Even the 13-year
olds.
Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first
time.
A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a
dyke by the end of the story.
Who needs condoms?
Any woman described as having a scientific occupation will
invariably be occupied with making her breasts larger.
Every sexually transmitted disease and parasite has been
eliminated. (Apparently with the same technology that allows
women scientists to grow their breasts.)
When magically granted wishes, men will choose, in this order,
the following: An 18" dick, the ability to attract women, and one
of the following: obscene riches or the ability to grow breasts
larger.
No one is ever nervous or frightened at the prospect of sex. Or
they get over it is sixty seconds.
If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy,
otherwise amazing nipples.
Practitioners of Magick have to do it nude.
A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
No one ever says "Can't we just cuddle?"
If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a
bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching
for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices
which allow them to create huge harems.
Menstrual periods don't exist...except as a way for the woman
to discover that she didn't get pregnant that time, after all.
(Whew! That means she and her lover can keep on doing it.)
The only way to relieve yourself is on another person.
No one ever says "I wish you'd shaved today."
If you have a hangup over a particular sex act, you'll get
over it once you try it (no matter how perverted it is).
People in sex stories can always find the thing they're looking
for. In bed. In the tangle of sheets. In the dark.
Any character introduced and described in more than a paragraph
after the first 200 lines of a story will be involved intimately
with one or more of the previously introduced characters.
Any description of a female must include specific bra and cup
size, hair color, and either "full" or "pouty" lips somewhere or
another. Precise waist measurements are optional, but common.
Body fat simply does not exist unless the writer has a fetish.
Any story told with a male first-person narrator will describe
any other penis in the story (if mentioned at all) as being "some-
what smaller". Optionally: "...smaller but thicker".
The first sexual encounter between two people always proceeds in
this order:
1) He sucks her tits.
2) He eats her pussy.
3) She sucks his dick.
4) Missionary fuck.
5) Doggy-style or anal.
Doing it any other way is against the rules.
Women "never want a man as bad as this one."
Small, geeky computer nerd types are the wildest, most incredibly
capable guys in the sack -- oh, wait. That's true. ;-)
-- That's it for now -- Seen it, done it!