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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
_________________________________________
WARNING!
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Archive name: menwomen.txt
Authors name: Calcite (Rusties & Eddies BBS)
Story title : Men and Women are NOT Alike
--------------------------------------------------------
This work is copyrighted to the author © 1991. Please
don't remove the author information or make any changes
to this story. You may post freely to non-commercial
"free" sites, or in the "free" area of commercial sites.
Thank you for your consideration.
--------------------------------------------------------
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on
the following topics, these facts have emerged.
Relationships:
--------------
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a re-
lationship. He refers to it as "that time when me and
Susie were doing it on a semi- regular basis. When a
relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem called
"All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her
life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the breakup, at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he
will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you
ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate
you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know
that there's always a chance for us." This is known as
the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99%
of all men have made at least once. There are community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Sex:
----
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
---------
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old fe-
males can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are
still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school ro-
mances rarely work out.
Handwriting:
------------
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored
stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles or
hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from
a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley-face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
----------
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap,
and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
----------
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
to the store and buys these things. A man waits until
the only items left in his 'fridge are half a lime and
some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys every-
thing that looks good. By the time that a man reaches
the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course,
this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-
less lane.
Going out:
----------
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is
ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go
out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, just as soon
as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her make-
up....
Cats:
-----
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
----------
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of
some short people living in the house.
Low Blows:
----------
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match
on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The
woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles
over and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing Up:
------------
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get
the mail. A man will dress up for: (1) Weddings, and (2)
Funerals.
David Letterman:
----------------
Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on
the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-
dorky guy who's got a gap in his front teeth and always
has a bad haircut.
Laundry:
--------
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgi-
cal pants that were "hip" about eight years ago, before
he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat. This is a myth.
Weddings:
---------
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."
Socks:
------
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat-
socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below
the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a
big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames:
----------
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together
for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne,
Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack
go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and
Useless.
<smile>
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