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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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Archive name: johnny.txt (mf, pre, jokes)
Authors name: T.P. Celentano
Story title : LITTLE JOHNNY
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This work is copyrighted to the author (c) 1997.
Please do not remove the author information or make
any changes to this story. You may post freely to non-
commercial "free" sites, or in the "free" area of
commercial sites. Thank you for your consideration.
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Subj: The Days in the life of Little Johnny :
Date: 97-04-01 14:01:02 EST
From: CELENTP@texaco.com (Celentano, Thomas P [ISSC])
**
Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom
in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of
water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked
in and caught his folks in The Act. Before dad could
even react, Little Johnny exclaimed "Oh, boy! Horsie
ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny had not asking more
uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not
to break his stride, agreed.
Johnny hopped on and daddy started going to
town. Pretty soon mommy started moaning and gasping.
Johnny cried out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the
part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
--------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All
of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled
out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT
the proper word to use in this situation. The correct
word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence cor-
rectly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thought for a bit, then said,
"You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be
a ten!!!"
----------------------------------------
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the
word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and
she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Mikey. "My mommy plan-
ned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told
my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful
just fucking beautiful!'"
---------------------------------------
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her
rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a
man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing
this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her
moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man
on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off
his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking
himself, and moaning, "Ohh, mommy, I need a bike! I need
a bike!"
---------------------------------------
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being par-
ticularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one
morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around,
annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his
temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees,
and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No
honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some
butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing
them under his feet. His father again caught him, and
after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for
you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking
dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying
around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one
by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's
mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing
there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going
to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
-------------------------------------
A teacher cautiously approached the subject of
sex education with her fourth grade class because she
realized Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo.
But Johnny remained attentive throughout the
entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson,
the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the
class.
One little boy raised his hand, "I saw a bird in
her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand. With
much fear and trepidation, the teacher called on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone
Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of
Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he kil-
led every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what
does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the
Lone Ranger."
---------------------------------------
Little Johnny came running into the house and
asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom
heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play
that game again!"
---------------------------------------
A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was
working in her kitchen listening to her little boy play-
ing with his new electric train in the adjoining room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons
of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now,
'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the god-
damn train 'cause we're leaving."
His mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room for two hours and think about what
you said, and when you come out you may play with your
train again, but I want you to use much nicer language.
Two hours later, little Johnny came out of his
bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the
train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passen-
gers who are disembarking, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with
us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon.
For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow
your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that
there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you
will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today.
For those of you who are pissed off because of
the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch
in the kitchen!"
-------------------------------------------
Little Johnny asked his mother how old she was.
Her reply was, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that ques-
tion."
Johnny then asked his mother how much she
weighed. Again the mother's reply was, "Gentlemen don't
ask ladies that question."
The boy then asked, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, his mother said, "you shouldn't ask that" and
then sent him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy tripped over his
mother's purse.
When he picked it up, her driver's license fell
out. The boy looked it over and went back to his mother
saying, "I know all about you now.
You're 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy
left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
-------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was
concerned that his students might be a little confused
about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season
emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they un-
derstood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time
ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in
heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my
heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blur-
ted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the
teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was
completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how
he had come to that conclusion. And Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
bathroom door,and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in
there?'!"
-----------------------------------------------
Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to
the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing vari-
ous liquids together.
Eventually, his dad went down and found him
surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the
wall.
"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
asked the dad.
"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm!
I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special
chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as
a rock."
Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had
soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you
what. You give me the test tube with your special chem-
ical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."
So little Johnny handed the test tube over. The
next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a
brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then
asked his dad about the car.
"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the
garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."
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Kristen's collection - Directory 4