Message-ID: <3388eli$9708261615@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Archived-At: <URL:http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/Year97/3388.txt>
From: S THOMAS BUSH <stbush@iglou.com>
Subject: The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker by Tom Bombadil
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d
Path: qz!not-for-mail
Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam
Approved: <usenet-approval@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded <story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Original-Message-Id: <E0x3Mu9-0001CA-00@iglou1>


The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker 
[ mf, silliness ]

Story #22
by Tom Bombadil  (c) Jul 1997

Disclaimer:  All the standard rules apply.  If you are offended 
by explicit descriptions of sex or the human body, if it is 
illegal to possess such materials at your location, if you are 
under-age by law in your location, or if somebody else thinks you 
might have too much fun reading it, stop right now and remove this 
text from your computer.

This is purely a work of fiction, with all characters and actions 
described by me coming straight out of my imagination.  As a work of 
fiction, it does not condone or condemn any of the activities or 
actions described, nor does it relate to any type of real events in 
my life, or known to me in the lives of any of my friends or 
relatives.

You've been warned.

I give permission for anyone to archive or share this story.

IMPORTANT!  This program is being narrated.  Pick the speaker of 
your choice - the guy that did The Perils Of Penelope Pureheart, 
the guy that did the Batman t.v. series, or the guy that did 
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous - and have him read it to you.  
I've got all three under contract, so there's no problem getting 
one of them to your place.  Just let me know what address they 
should be at and when they should be there.  Failing that, you'll 
just have to make do with the inexperienced Mr. Yobvious.

********************************************************************

Welcome back, boys and girls.  This is your friendly neighbourhood 
narrator, Patten T. L. Yobvious, with another episode of our 
favourite damsel in distress, Angelica Ahsmacker, along with her 
faithful sidekick, Tiny Silvertongue.

In episode 68, we left Angelica and Tiny way up near the top of 
Peaceful Valley, in an old, abandoned sawmill.  Only, they found 
out the hard way that it wasn't so abandoned anymore.  It was, in 
fact, the secret headquarters of that arch-villainess Venoma Tart.  
Taken unawares by her band of thugs, they were still making a good 
accounting of themselves - well, Tiny was making a good accounting 
of himself and Angelica was screaming quite musically - when Venoma 
herself threw a serpent's kiss knockout grenade into the middle of 
the fray.  

Poor Angelica woke up to find herself tied hand and foot, face up 
on top of a log, with her legs secured on either side of it.  The 
log was sitting on a conveyor belt, which ran into the middle of a 
weird mechanical contraption, which had lots of weird jointed arms 
on its sides, and which also had on its far end a giant circular 
sawblade.  

Tiny woke to find his six-foot-four-inch body tied hand and foot and 
leg and arm and everything else.  He was just in time to hear 
Venoma gloating to Angelica about how she was going to one-up that 
miserable excuse for an evil scientist Dr. Froiderich Von Dammen, 
and to see her push a button which started the sawblade turning, the 
weird contraption vibrating, the weird jointed arms flailing, and 
the conveyor belt moving.

Then, just as we were cutting away, Venoma pulled up the brief hem 
of her black dress, plopped down into a chair, spread her legs wide, 
and started playing with her poisonous pudenda as she laughed 
villainously at the plight of our poor heroine.  So now, without 
further delay, I bring to you the next episode, titled 
"How Sweet It Is", or, "How To Become Twins"!


"Eeeek!" screamed Angelica rather prettily.  "Save me!"  Her pink 
print sun dress, ripped and shredded as it was, still managed to 
cover her modesty.  Despite the wriggling, jiggling, bumping, and 
jostling, the barely recognizable garment stayed firmly in place 
over her ample breasts and hips.  Not once, despite the fact that 
her legs were revealed right to the buttocks, did even a hint of her 
white panties show.  Not the least bit of coral coloured areole 
could be glimpsed through the gashes in her dress.  Incredible, but 
true.  

"Why are you doing this?" cried Tiny, as he looked up into the folds 
of Venoma's liquid core.  Up past that, their fronts barely covered 
by her sexy black villainess dress, two magnificent, monstrous, 
mouth-watering milk-makers mocked his helplessness.  Even farther 
up, an evil, yet strangely beautiful face, with a knife-like nose, 
intense brown eyes, and long, raven-black hair, stared back at him.  
Even her lips - blood-red, full, and moist - were attractive, 
despite the evil sneer they displayed.

"Hvy?" she shouted. "You hvant to khnow hvy I'm doink thees?"

"No!" he yelled back.  "I want to know why you're doing this!"

"Eeeek!  Help me, Tiny!" cried a pretty voice in the background.  

"Hvell, I'll chust tell you hanyhvay!  Chu see, hmany yearss hago, 
hven I vas chust a ..."

"In English, please," said Tiny.  "Remember our viewers."

"Oh, sorry.  As I was saying, many years ago, when I was just a 
young lady, Froiderich and I had a very special relationship.  He 
looked so cute in his little leather shorts, with that bald little 
head of his and those thick glasses that make his beady little eyes 
seem so big and dreamy, I couldn't help myself.  I fell in love with 
him.  Of course, even back then, he had this thing about a certain 
little blonde girl.  I tried to get him to notice me.  Even after 
school, in detention, he was always looking out the window to see if 
that silly little girl was out there.  He never paid any attention 
to me.  Never!  Nothing I did made any difference!"

"Eeeek!  I'm in so much trouble!" yelled Angelica, annoyed that she 
wasn't the centre of attention.

"I didn't know what to do!  You see, back then, I wasn't the arch 
villainess I am today.  In fact, I was so cute and lovable, everyone 
always referred to me as a sweet little thing."

"Oh, no," begged Tiny, "please don't tell me that you..."

"That's right," she gloated.  "I was known as Little Miss Sweet 
Tart."

"Aaaaugh!" cried Tiny, wounded to the core.

"Eeeek" cried Angelica, showing little sympathy for his pain.

"It took me years to lose that reputation.  I had to transfer to 
another school and everything.  For the longest time, I remembered 
how Froiderich spurned me for that other silly girl, and how she 
never even noticed either of us.  And the worst thing is, not once 
did either of them ever bring me an apple."

"You don't mean..."

"Correct!" shouted Venoma.  "I vass Froiderich's third grade 
teacher!"

"Eeeek!" shouted Angelica, still annoyed that she wasn't the centre 
of attention.

"Egad!" shouted Tiny, suddenly realizing that he had a J.I.F.F. on 
his hands.  

"And khnow," sneered the evil villainess, "eet's time for hrevenge.  
That seely leetle blonde ghirl vill soon be two seely leetle blonde 
ghirls.  And Dhocktor Froiderich Von Dammen vill khnow vhat I hvent 
through!"

"But Venoma, Doctor Freaky, uh, sorry, Doctor Von Dammen has been 
trying to kill Angelica for years.  Why would this get him upset?"

"Hvy?  Hyou ask hvy?  It's bhecause he vill khnot ..."

"In English."

"Sorry.  It's because he will not get the pleasure of disposing of 
that annoying blonde creature himself!  He will feel the 
disappointment!  The abandonment!  He will know what it's like to be 
alone!  Then, when he's at the lowest point in his life, when he's 
at his most vulnerable, I, Venoma Tart, will be there.  He'll turn 
to me for comfort.  And with my beauty and intelligence, he'll be 
mine ... FOREVER!  Ah-hahahahahehehahahohohoohohehehahahaha!"

"Eeeek!" squeaked Angelica, followed a few seconds later by a much 
shriller and louder "Eeeyikes!"

Tiny took a kvick hlook...uh, sorry.  Tiny took a quick look, and 
saw that Angelica had finally come within the reach of those funny 
looking mechanical arm things.  Somehow, they had managed to remove 
her pink shoes and pink socks without untying her feet, and they 
were already prodding, poking, and tickling her all the way from her 
toes to her knees.  And, he saw, the saw blade was still spinning 
ominously only a few feet from the end of the log.  He also noticed 
that the conveyor belt seemed to be moving a little slower than it 
was the last time he glanced over.  He shook his head in disgust at 
the stupidity of all arch-fiends everywhere.

"Now, hyou may hvatch as my hrevenge is consummated!  
Ah-hahahohohohehaaaaaah...ah...ah...ah...," gasped Venoma, as her 
flying fingers finally found her fountain of fun.  Drops of thick, 
red liquid dripped from her portal onto the floor, where they 
started smoking.

Tiny, trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey, could do little, so he 
looked around, trying to find the frantically frigging fiend's fatal 
flaw.  He knew there had to be one.  There always was.

"OH!  MY!  GOD!" yelled our heroine, much louder than she had been 
screaming.  With a sudden shrill whine, the saw started cutting into 
the end of the log.  That, however, wasn't what was worrying the 
wee woman.  Those ominous arms were finally removing the last scraps 
of her scant covering, and were poking and prodding everywhere.  Her 
magnificent mammaries were being dented and deformed.  Her perfect, 
inch-long nipples were being tweaked and twiddled.  And worst of 
all, just below her prim and proper heart-shaped blonde bush, they 
were trying to penetrate the privacy of her pure pink portal.  It 
was a race between the awful arms of that molestation machine and 
the terrible teeth of that spinning saw to see which would be the 
first to delve deep into the defenseless damsel's dampening 
divinity.

Tiny finally found their foe's folly.  On the control panel, right 
beside Miss Tart, mixed in with lots of little black buttons and 
dials and blinking lights, were two big red buttons.  One was 
labelled _emergency stop_, and the other was labelled 
_self-destruct_.  He groaned in near-mortal pain when he saw them.  
He also came up with a desperate plan.

With a mighty heave, Tiny managed to rise to his knees, much to 
Venoma's surprise.  She was far more surprised when he, with a 
series of knee-jumps, managed to plant his face in the junction of 
her thighs.

The sidekick started licking.

Venoma's eyes popped wide open, along with her mouth.

"Eeeek!" Angelica warbled, rather arousedly.

"OH!  MEIN!  GOTT!" the evil would-be executionrix cried.  "You're 
tickling my tonsils!  I thought you were tiny, Silvertongue!"

"I'm not called Tiny because of my tongue," he mumbled with his 
mouth full.

Venoma grabbed the arms of her chair with white-knuckled intensity 
as she tried to resist his skilled torture.  Her head rolled back 
and forth, and her legs rose up into a trembling vee.  Nothing but 
panting breaths came out of her mouth.

Despite the pain his mouth and lips were enduring from the caustic 
cream pouring from that polluted pudenda, Tiny continued with his 
oral onslaught, wiggling the wild woman's corrupt clitoris with the 
tip of his titillating tongue before delving deep into the 
disgusting depths of her drooling duct once again.

"Himmel!" screamed Venoma, as her legs opened wider and her arms 
came up and she grabbed her hair.

"Eeeek!" panted Angelica as the insistent metal menaces came 
closer to success and the blurred blade came closer to her finale.

Tiny worked feverishly.  His agile mouth organ flickered here and 
there, seemingly everywhere at once, while Miss Tart twisted and 
turned, moaning and shrieking with pleasure.

Our heroine screamed in horror as the invasive instruments abandoned 
her slick centre.  The buzzing blade was getting too close to them.  
She could feel the breeze from those terrible teeth as they whizzed 
by, mere inches from her excited and extended clitoris.  

The conveyor belt was barely moving.

With a great, wrenching scream of completion, Miss Tart finally 
popped, finding what she had been seeking - a back-arching, 
foot-pounding, head-bouncing, arm-flailing orgasm.  Tiny didn't stop 
his ministrations until the evil woman's left arm crashed into the 
control panel, pressing down both big red buttons.

The sounds of machinery grinding to a halt, followed by crashes, 
booms, and electrical sparks, started immediately.

"Vhat haff you made me do!?" screamed the surprised schoolmarm.

That spinning blade ground to a halt.  Seconds later, so did the 
conveyor belt.  Angelica's clit, extended to its full inch and a  
half length, was being pressed down by one of the sawblade's sharp 
teeth.  Vibrations from somewhere deep in the bowels of the sawmill 
kept her, the log, and the sawblade, shaking back and forth.  This 
caused that one tooth to run repeatedly along the length of the 
sensitive organ it was touching.  Our heroine, oblivious to her 
surroundings, seemed almost to be pleased with the sensation.  In 
fact, if one didn't know better, one might almost say that she was 
causing much of the movement.  Of course, Angelica would never do 
anything like that.

Beams and bits of roof started crashing down.  An explosion blew 
part of the floor up.  Venoma ran, disappearing down some stairs.  
Conveniently, the control panel also blew up, rendering it useless, 
but baring one razor-sharp piece of metal that happened to be at 
just the right height for Tiny to use in cutting the ropes binding 
his hands and arms.  Seconds later, he was free.

With the building falling apart around him, and flames starting to 
sprout everywhere, he ran to Angelica.  She was lying there with her 
whole body shaking uncontrollably and her face twisted into a mask 
of pain and terror.  Well, Tiny thought it looked like a mask of 
pain and terror.  With amazing speed, he untied her ropes and pulled 
her away from that awful machine.  She screamed in horror, or 
something, and beat on his powerful chest with her delicate hands 
before collapsing into tears.

Somehow, Tiny managed to keep his balance, throw Miss Ahsmacker over 
his shoulder, run through the heaving ruins while avoiding flames, 
falling objects, explosions, and all kinds of other distractions, 
and made it out of the building alive.  A short distance away was 
the blanket where they were having their picnic lunch earlier that 
day, so that's where he went.  Both of them sat there and stared at 
the burning building for a few minutes.

A groaning crash and a whoosh of fresh flames announced the total 
collapse of the building's roof.  Several small explosions 
followed.  

"Do you think Venoma died in there?" asked our heroine.

"I doubt it," replied our favourite sidekick.  "Evil arch-villains 
like her always have some sneaky, secret, last-ditch escape route 
planned ahead of time."

When everything seemed settled, and the flames were merely shooting 
a hundred feet into the air, Tiny finally turned to Angelica.  He 
stared hungrily at her naked breasts and spread beaver.  One of 
his hands reached out to touch a hard and extended nipple.

That hand got slapped.

"Tiny!  Mind your manners!  Just because you've just saved me from 
a horrible death at the hands of an insanely jealous and deadly 
arch-fiend doesn't mean you can start taking liberties!  Really!  
Now be a gentleman and turn around and look the other way."

He did, and watched the oversized campfire for a few minutes while 
listening to Miss Ahsmacker bustle around behind him.

"You can turn around now."

The woman was fully clothed, wearing a yellow print sun dress with 
yellow socks and delicate yellow shoes.  He couldn't see them, but 
he was positive she also had a fresh, pristine pair of white panties 
on underneath.  There was no bra, of course, since she never wore 
one.  The dress, although it was supposed to be demure, allowed 
large portions of her breasts to be viewed at various times and from 
various angles - but never her coral tips, of course.  That would be 
unthinkable.  As he had many times before, he wondered how on earth 
she managed to come up with fresh outfits in the middle of nowhere 
with nothing around them for twenty miles in any direction except 
wilderness.

Just then, while he was distracted because he was staring at her ... 
well, because he was staring at her, and she was distracted because 
he was staring at her, the sounds of a motor suddenly revving up 
distracted them both.  They ran to the edge of a nearby cliff, which 
was where the sound seemed to be coming from.

Down below, on a log race, a very unusual looking tree trunk was 
heading for the river.  It was quite short, but thick.  The bark 
was hard and shiny, and looked like it was painted on.  Of course, 
the biggest giveaway that it wasn't quite what it seemed to be was 
the open hatch on top.  Inside, Venoma could be seen piloting her 
craft.  Behind it, bouncing and rolling in the old-fashioned water 
slide, were her five cronies.  All five were wearing old-fashioned 
bathing outfits, which covered them from wrists to ankles in black 
and blue stripes.  Four of the five wore fins, goggles, and 
snorkels.  The fifth one, the fat one, wore those, plus, around his 
waist he wore an air-filled plastic ring-shaped device with an oddly 
shaped extension on the front end.  

"Quick!  They're getting away!" yelled Angelica, right in Tiny's 
ear.

After a short pause, during which time Tiny tried to shake the 
ringing out of his ear, he replied: "Yes, they're getting away.  
There's no way for us to catch them on the river.  Not with 
Ladybug's outboard in the shop.  Don't worry.  That evil woman won't 
be bothering us for quite some time, I don't think."

"Really?"

"Definitely."

Two hours later, the sawmill was nothing but a distant, flickering 
memory, and the two of them were seated in Ladybug, moving slowly 
along the tortuous mountain road back towards Heaven's Vee and 
their headquarters.

As usual, the convertible top was open.  And, as usual, Tiny was in 
the driver's seat, leaning back with his hands behind his head and 
his eyes closed, and Angelica was stretched out in the passenger 
seat, laying all the way back with her feet up on the dashboard, 
getting some sun.  With the straps of her dress down off her 
shoulders and several buttons undone, her breasts were threatening 
to jiggle free of the concealing fabric.  On top of that, the wind 
was trying its best to whip the hem of her loose dress up over her 
belly and reveal her panties.  Of course, none of those things 
happened, although it looked like they could at any second.

"Tiny, can I ask you a silly question?"

"Sure, I guess."

"You told me how you got that evil woman to destroy her own 
headquarters.  That's fine, I understand, no problem, you did what 
you had to do.  But the last time we met her, she said that she was 
poisonous, and that any man who tasted her would die."

"That's right.  So, what's your question?"

"How come you're not dead?"

He chuckled knowingly.

"The last time we sent her packing, I figured we might just see her 
again, so I collected up some of her drippings from the floor.  
Later, in the laboratory, I analyzed them and made up an antidote.  
I've been storing a dose in a hollow tooth ever since."

"It certainly came in handy."

"It sure did."

"Tiny, if you didn't have the antidote, and what you did was 
the only way to stop her from killing me, would you still 
have Eeeek!"

The tall, well-build man looked puzzled for a minute.  "Would I 
still have eeeek?  What kind of question is that?"

Angelica replied with another cute "Eeeek!" and pointed - straight 
up.

Above them, a large, black, dangerous-looking craft was matching 
their movements.  Tiny almost screamed as well when he saw it.

Twin turrets, sporting matching gun barrels, swivelled in their 
direction.  Suddenly they fired, and laser beams blew holes in 
the road just ahead and to either side of the dismayed duo.  A mad 
race ensued, with Ladybug trying to outdistance the flying craft, 
without success.  Tiny and Angelica held on for dear life, trying 
not to get thrown out of the car.

The craft followed mercilessly and the explosions from its weapons 
got closer and closer.  Ahead of them, a terribly exposed section of 
switchback roadway loomed.  There was no way they could drive 
that at speed, and without speed, they were sitting ducks.  A 
mountain rose straight up on one side of them.  On the other side, 
it dropped way, way down into the river.  No other vehicles could be 
seen anywhere.

Tiny closed his eyes and grabbed Angelica's hand, praying for a 
miracle.  Angelica closed her eyes and squeezed his hand.  The 
violently whipping wind almost, but not quite, managed to lift the 
hem of her dress over her hips.  Ladybug turned and drove straight 
off the edge of the cliff.


Egad!  Is this the end?  Are Angelica and Tiny doomed to die a 
dismal death in a fiery fall?  Or will their finale be a flop 
into the wild waters of the Wannasumnookhee river?  Find out in the 
next episode of The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica 
Ahsmacker, where we'll hear Dr. Dammen say "Open wide!", followed 
shortly by him also saying "OH!  MEIN!  GOTT!"  Don't you dare miss 
it!

<Fin>

********************************************************************

Narrator's notes:

All right, quit booing me.  Venoma's fifth henchman was wearing his 
inflatable sea horsie!  Are you happy now?

How did Angelica's dress get ripped when she wasn't actually 
involved in the fight?  See Hero/Villain Rulebook, rev. 37, 
Rule #131b, par. 4.  It states - "If said damsel does not take part 
in said fight, but is captured within 100 feet of said fight, she 
may still have her garments torn, but not removed, at the discretion 
of her captor."

J.I.F.F. - that's a Jilted, Insane, Froiderich Fanatic, for those 
who haven't been watching regularly.

Ladybug - Angelica's intelligent VW convertible.  One of its 
weirdest <smack!>.  Uh, sorry, Ladybug.  One of her more unusual 
add-ons is the chameleon circuit, which gives her the ability to 
alter her paint scheme to always go with whatever colour sun dress 
Angelica may be wearing.  She also responds violently to any 
suggestion that she might in any way be related to certain non-
convertible VW beetles featured in certain movies, so watch what 
you say around her.



=======================================================================
public praise: alt.sex.stories.d                email: stbush@iglou.com
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
     All of Tom Bombadil's stories can be found at the web address:
          http://members.iglou.com/stbush/stories.html
=======================================================================

-- 
+--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+
| story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us |
| Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ |
\ <URL:http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/>    .../assm/faq.html> /