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Celestial Reviews 347  November 24, 1999

Note: One night three women who were roommates all came home from their dates 
at about the same time.

The first said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with 
your hair all messed up."

The second said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home 
with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties 
and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. "Now THAT'S a good date!" 
she said.

Second note: A salesman was driving down a country road one day when his car 
broke down. There was a farm near by, so he went there to ask for some help.  
The farmer suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him a ride into 
town to get the necessary parts for his car.  Nelly was an innocent girl, the 
epitome of virginal beauty.

    Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town when he convinced her 
to pull over to the side of the road to enlighten her about the facts of 
life. They had some down and dirty sex all over the car, and then went into 
town to get the car parts.  By the time they got into town, the auto store 
was closed; so they had to return to the farm.  The farmer allowed the 
salesman to spend the night in the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.

    The next morning the salesman went up to the farmhouse to get Nelly so 
she could give him a ride into town.  Nelly was gone, however, and her sister 
Venus opened the door.  Venus was very unlike Nelly.  She was sexy, 
voluptuous, and really even a bit sleazy.  Venus volunteered to give the 
salesman a ride into town, and off they went.  Venus did the convincing this 
time, and the salesman had the "ride" of his life.  They eventually made it 
back to the farm with the parts,ture, and went on his merry way.

    A few months later the salesman received a later from the farmer  which 
contained only a poem:

         Were you the one who did the pushin'
         Left the bloodstains on the cushion
         And the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
         'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly,
         There's a swelling in her belly,
         And you'd better get your ass back into town.

    The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the following response:

         Yes, I was the one who did the pushin'
         Left the bloodstains on the cushion
         And the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
         But since I met your daughter Venus,
         I've had some problems with my penis,
         So I guess we're pretty even all around.

Third note: An American was on a business trip to Japan. He received 
excellent hospitality, including a woman to satisfy his needs. The night 
before the meeting, he was with the woman, and she seemed to really enjoy the 
way he made love to her. She spoke no English, but the way she thrashed her 
head from side to side and gyrated her hips and yelled a certain phrase in Jap
anese made him certain he was really rocking her world. So he guessed the 
meaning of the phrase to be "Wonderful! Great! Terrific!" He filed this 
phrase away for the time when he could impress the businessmen he was meeting 

The next day, while he was golfing with one of the Japanese businessmen, the 
Japanese man hit a hole-in-one. Thinking that this was the time to trot out 
his phrase, the guy began yelling it.

The businessman turned, gave him an odd look, and said in excellent English, 
"What the hell do you mean, 'Wrong hole!' "?

Final note: My thanks again to Techguy for helping me with the links. The two 
without links are stories with a Thanksgiving theme, and I added them at the 
last moment. You're on your own in finding them. Uther just reposted his in 
a.s.s.m., and maybe Tom will get the message and do the same. There's nothing 
wrong with getting a little behind in your Thanksgiving festivities <wink>.

 Keep in mind that most of these stories have recently been posted in 
a.s.s.m., and they can easily be found there.

Celestial Reviews Index:

"The Runner" by Sammie (casual sex with teenager) 7, 6, 6

"Bad Girls" by MichaelD (teen slut sex) 10, 10, 10

"Behind the Curtain" by Ann Douglas (ff older/younger) 9, 10, 10

"Revealing Secrets" by losgud (family threesome) 10, 10, 10

"So Typical My Desires" by The Mr. Lee (passionate exhibitionism) 7, 10, 10

"Small Town Teens - Stacy" by Unknown Author (older man & teen girl) 5, 8, 8

"Jack and Stacie" by EroScribe (older man & teen girl) 5, 7, 5

"Translator" by Spiller (risky sex) 9.5, 9, 9

"Gratitude " by Jedi Knight (sexual gratitude) 10, 9.5, 9.5

"LeAnn Rimes " by CasaDeNova (celebrity sex) 7, 5, 3

"The Penny Drops" by jcx (rash sex) 9, 8, 8

"High Beams II" by Mark Aster (sexy vignettes) 10, 8, 7

"A Touch of Cloves" by d137 (cheating the cheater) 9.5, 9, 9

"A New Slave" by artie 10, 9.5, 9.5

"Furlong" by Jay (ponygirl) 8, 8, 9

Guest Reviews:

"The Interview" by Maria Gonzales (Sex and blackmail). Fiddler: 7, 8, 7

"The Punishment" by Silverine (FF domination). Myers: NR

Reposted Reviews:

* "Detention" by MD James (blackmailing a prude) 9, 9, 9

* "Valerie" by JS3729 (romance). DG: 8, 7, 7

* "For These Gifts" by Uther Pendragon (romance) 10,10, 10

* "Thanksgiving" by Tom (holiday orgy) 10, 10, 10

Here are the  Reviews:

"The Runner" by Sammie (

The older man picks up a teenager runner in the hotel elevator, gets her to 
come to his room for a massage, and then has sex with her in several 
different ways.

The problem with this story is that things "just happen." There's not really 
a good setup for any of the action.

Ratings for "The Runner"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"Bad Girls" by MichaelD (

This is another old story that I have had on the back burner for a long time. 
I thought I had better hang onto it, because it looked good; and I was right.

What we have here is a "tape" of the interview with a 15-year-old girl who 
has been using marijuana and having sex with the older man across the hall. 
The older guy is a graduate student; the mother is a heavy drinker who pretty 
much ignores her daughter; and the girl is a smart-ass teenager. In other 
words, it's pretty realistic.

I'm sure lots of people will think this story is sexy. Personally, I thought 
it was poignant and sad. I guess I just have my values screwed up. The most 
unrealistic part of the story is the part about the guy being a graduate 
student in medieval English literature. People who study that sort of thing 
would be far too busy to have time to boink the teenager from across the 
hall. They get all the sex they want from their professors anyway.

Ratings for "Bad Girls"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Behind the Curtain" by Ann Douglas (

For a person who manages to tell a good story with good character development 
and interesting non-sexual details, Ann Douglas certainly gets a lot of sex 
worked into this story. The basic plot consists of a young woman who has just 
been rewarded at work going out and looking for some fun with another woman. 
Along the way we get some retrospectives of past sexual activity and the 
suggestion of more to cum. However, the main action is some slightly kinky 
sex between the young woman and the mother of her old roommate.

What I really like about most of Ann's stories  including this one  is the 
combination of normal life and ambivalence plus hot sexual action.

Ratings for "Behind the Curtain" 
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Revealing Secrets" by losgud (

The guy has a lovely and sexy wife, but she's not quite as great in the sack 
as she could be. Then her sister comes to visit, and the sister fills in the 
missing elements in the man's sex life. So the three form a team, and they 
fuck happily ever after.

You're right. This theme has been used before, and it has a tendency to 
generate some lame stories. This one, however, was quite creative. The author 
throws in some humorous twists, innovative turns of phrase, and sexual 
scenarios that made me glad I dug this one out of my in-basket, where this 
story had been buried for over two months. I hope the author reposts this 
story. I certainly enjoyed it.

Ratings for "Revealing Secrets"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"So Typical My Desires" by The Mr. Lee (

This story gives us some hot exhibitionism and voyeurism in a creative 
context. The narrator is a guy whose girlfriend has thrown a party that is 
being attended by a bunch of artsy people in whose company he takes little 
delight. With all due respect, they appear to be largely homosexual gentlemen 
who delight in exchanging jokes that make puns out of the names of Monet and 
Manet, whereas our narrator seems to be a more all-American boy with friends 
in lower places.

So anyway, our hero starts feeling up his lady love while she is engrossed in 
conversation with the aforesaid gentlemen, and these others try to carry on 
as if they don't notice that he is dry-humping her. Soon, however, he and she 
are happily fucking like bunnies behind a partially closed door, while the 
others exchange Mapplethorpe innuendoes and try to eavesdrop without taking 
really obtrusive notes.

The main flaw in this story is that the proofreading is really bad  as in 
omitted words and occasional piss poor grammar. But I still enjoyed this very 
short story immensely.

Ratings for "So Typical My Desires"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Small Town Teens - Stacy" by Unknown Author (

This is a story about a fun-loving guy who likes to have fun with young 
girls. It's sort of a modern version of Chaucer's "Miller's Tale," only 
entirely different.

In order to achieve an effect, sometimes an author writes with deliberately 
bad grammar. For example, the author may want to have the 
narrator/protagonist be a person who is extremely rough around the edges, who 
is describing his sexual adventures with teenage girls in a small town. Since 
such a person would not be likely to know a noun from a verb and would be 
much more interested in propositions than in prepositions, the author might 
choose to write from a first person perspective with deliberately fucked up 

That's what this author tries to do in this story. Writing this way is a 
formidable task, and almost all beginning authors who try to do it screw up 
very badly. My opinion is that this story comes off as chaotic and somewhat 
incoherent, but it's very close to being very good  the style, that is 
(whether or not you get off on stories about adults humping teenagers is a 
different question).

As I have said before, a major problem with this style is that it's hard to 
know when the author is making a deliberate mistake to achieve a purpose or 
when he simply has his head temporarily up his ass. For example, when the 
narrator says he can "hear the footprints on the stairs," is he putting us 
on, or does he really mean to say "footsteps"?

Anyway, the style is a 5 bordering on 10. I found the grammar to be a major 
irritation. But keep in mind that I usually pounce on stories about this 
theme. They're usually a mixture of immature drivel and the work of the 
devil. For me to give this story a couple of 8s, it must have something going 
for it.

Ratings for "Stacy"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Jack and Stacie" by EroScribe (

The protagonist is a dirty old man who lusts after anything that has a pussy 
and isn't dead yet. With regard to the present story, that includes his 
teenage daughter, her best friend, the best friend's mother, and the odd 

Near the beginning of the story the author tells us that Jack knows that if 
the girl decided that he had taken advantage of her (or for any trivial 
reason got pissed off at him) and told her mother, his life would most likely 
be ruined. Problems would be myriad: the affair would destroy his 
relationship with his daughter and reduce the chances that she would ever 
succeed in rocket science. Even if he avoided hard time with the gay gang 
bangers in the Big House, Jack would have to move to a new town and get a new 
job; and he would be classified as a registered sex offender. However, this 
information has no bearing whatsoever on the storyline. It just adds an 
element of danger; and it turns out that both girls dump him so that they can 
fuck each other anyway. In the end, he's left with the oversexed mother of 
the lovely 13-year-old he had been humping.

There is a modicum of sex action in this story, but the plot and character 
development aren't really good enough to make this a story that I would 
recommend highly. So if you're serving ten to twenty for child sexual abuse 
and need some reading to fill your time, I'd suggest "Stacy," which I 
reviewed right before this story. 

Ratings for "Jack and Stacie "
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Translator" by Spiller ( .

The man has lost his job as a translator, but he manages to find part-time 
work translating for his wife's boss. The boss eventually asks him to 
translate some French porn stories, and he has some arousing sessions with 
the young damsel with whom he works.

The best part of this story is the idea of two people fucking like bunnies 
while the people who can hear them in the next room think they are engaged in 
the serious work of translation. The main flaw in the story is that it's hard 
to understand why the guy wouldn't at least consider the possibility that his 
wife  whom he deeply loves and who got him the job and is one of the people 
in the next room  might object to the sex games he is playing with his 

Ratings for "Translator"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Gratitude" by Jedi Knight  (

The narrator is a cab driver who gives a young woman a quick ride to help her 
escape from an attempted rape. They don't get married and live happily ever 
after, but she does express her gratitude very nicely. Sometimes the good 
guys do get what's cumming to them.

This is a simple but very nice story.

Ratings for "Gratitude"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"LeAnn Rimes " by CasaDeNova (

My husband and I enjoy country-western music, and so I thought this story 
might be fun. It wasn't. The author just writes some silly sex fantasies that 
have no relationship at all to the persona of Lee Ann Rimes. 

Ratings for "LeAnn Rimes "
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"The Penny Drops" by jcx  (

This is an odd but creative story about a guy who has a nasty skin rash in a 
most private area. He must therefore refrain from active sex. The story 
consists of a series of telephone conversations between this man and his 
girlfriend, wherein they discuss and try to solve his problem.

Reading this story as stroke material could be considered the apotheosis of 
irony. On the other hand, if you want romantic/humorous insights into a 
fairly common problem  and they actually do find a functional solution  you 
may want to take a look at this story.

Ratings for "The Penny Drops"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"High Beams II" by Mark Aster (

This is a series of sexy vignettes. Instead of comprising a coherent story, 
they give the impression of taking us from one scene to another, as might 
happen if we looked out the window during a train ride through the Kingdom of 

Although I found it interesting, a major turnoff to some male readers will be 
the male-male sex in the final scene.

Ratings for "High Beams II"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"A Touch of Cloves" by d137 (

The whole notion of bamboozling the bamboozler in sexual relationships must 
go back to antiquity. Certainly it appears in "The Canterbury Tales," and it 
reappears in this story.

The wife and husband have shared fantasies about spouse watching, but they've 
never done it. However, hubby gets the wife to put on a blindfold; and while 
she thinks he's play-acting a strip show, the husband sneaks in a friend who 
sneaks it in, if you know what I mean <wink>. Through a clever ruse of her 
own, the wife discovers this chicanery and graciously retaliates with a 
resourceful and racy revenge.

Near the beginning of the story, this author makes a mistake that many 
authors make. The problem is that the narrator, who certainly must already 
know the whole story, talks in the present tense of the indicative mood. For 
example, he concludes the introductory part with

    <We never talk about his fantasy except under these
     circumstances.  I don't take it as a serious possibility.  It's just a
     way of adding a bit of spice to our sex - a touch of cloves, as it were.>

The specific problem is that the reader has a right to assume that the 
narrator (fictional though he may be) is telling the truth. Since the present 
tense of the indicative mood is supposed to indicate fact in the present time,
 and the present time at that moment in the narrator's mind is after the 
story (because he already knows the story that he is going to tell), this 
verb usage is illogical. 

There are several ways to solve this problem. Most simply, the main verbs 
could simply go into the past tense and the anticipated action into the 
subjunctive. That way, the narrator (now) would be talking about what he knew 
then (before the episode took place).

In spite of that flaw, this was a very nice story with a playful but complex 
revenge theme.

Ratings for "A Touch of Cloves"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"A New Slave" by artie (

The man is breaking in a new slave. As I was reading this story, I said to 
myself, "Somebody ought to do something about these guys who think they can 
just humiliate and enslave attractive women for their own gratification." And 
my wish was the author's command.

This was one of the nicer sex slavery stories I have read in a long time.

Ratings for "A New Slave"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"Furlong" by Jay ( 

This story held my interest, because I have often wondered what a ponygirl 
story was. Now I think I know. A ponygirl is a woman who has a sexual fantasy 
to be trained as a horse, or rather as a pony. Go figure. They enjoy being 
beaten and trained, and they stare off sort of blankly into space. I think I 
have several students in my class right now who fit this description. They 
don't have the bit between the jaws and blinders on each side of the head, 
and I don't beat them in any non-metaphorical sense, but they make up for it 
by staring blankly into space real well. 

The unique feature of this story is that the narrator sneaks into the stable 
and fucks a ponygirl from behind while she is hanging from a beam and (of 
course) staring blankly into space. Then he gets lassoed and captured. 

I was kind of left hanging and staring off into space at the end. Maybe this 
was a hypnosis story. Maybe I have become a ponygirl. What's that funny 
feeling in my ass?

Ratings for "Furlong"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

Guest Reviews:

"The Interview" by Maria Gonzales ( "The Reviewed by 

     Apologies to both Celeste and Maria for the month 
     delay in this review.

Yolanda Garcia, cub reporter, tries to find the real story behind the 
retirement of football star Billy Zatcher.  They fuck, and Yolanda gets the 
story.  But Billy gets the tape of their dalliance.

This is a stroke story with a little plot for icing.  The version I saw 
hadn't been proofread.

Ratings for "The Interview"
Athena (technical quality): 7  
Venus (plot & character):  8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 7

"The Punishment" by Silverine (

This is a great FF dom story, and it really shows through that the author put 
a lot of effort into writing this piece. This story explores the familiar 
ground of the torture of pleasure allowed only at the Master's pace. While 
other stories of this type might be suited to either MF or FF by simply 
changing a few things here or there, this story is particularly geared toward 
a plot that only really works as an FF design. I should pay a substantial 
compliment toward the author's attention to things which highlight nuances 
that would not be present in an MF story. 

The reasons for the punishment received in the story are very much secondary, 
as they often are in these settings. The subject has forgotten to address the 
Master properly. Oops! Well I guess that means we have to do something about 
it. Our helpless narrator isn't too good at playing along just yet, because 
she is new to the ways of BnD.

The story does end rather abruptly, as if the author decided that it would be 
too much to sustain the moment in trying to give it a full resolution, and so 
chose to leave things very open ended. It feels a little like a cop out, but 
it's pretty minor. It won't disturb most readers, I suspect. Hopefully we'll 
see more and it will make up the gap anyway...

Reposted Reviews:

* "Detention" by MD James (  

Ms. Jay is that polygon of evil - er, paragon, I guess - the prudish English 
teacher who comes down hard on innocent teenagers but inside is a boiling 
cauldron of illicit lust.  Ms. Jay inflicts one too many detentions on Our 
Hero, and he really sticks it to her.  It seems Ms. Jay has been boinking a 
City Councilman.  Our Hero has obtained evidence of this and uses that 
information to blackmail, humiliate, and generally enjoy Ms Jay before he 
gives her a stern warning and sends her on her way.  I normally don't approve 
of these things, but with prudish English teachers or librarians, anything 

The author makes some minor but annoying mistakes in verb tenses and in 
spelling.  He obviously ran a spellcheck, which missed a few spelling errors 
(e.g., "throws of passion" for "throes of passion") and which brought to mind 
the following poem:

* "Valerie" by JS3729 ( Guest review by DG 

This is a long and ultimately unsatisfying story about a middle-aged man who 
returns to the small town where he grew up after the death of his wife.  He 
expects to lead a quiet life, but he runs into his wife's sister, who was his 
old flame in high school, and things quickly take off from there.  This is 
actually a rather promising premise, and there are some good ideas in this 
story.  Unfortunately, the quality of the writing is not up to the demands of 
the plot.  The dialogue is stiff, with the sort of long, unrealistic 
monologues that you often get on soap operas: designed to impart information 
rather than reflect natural speech patterns.  The characters go through many 
emotional "big moments" and these never resonated with me because the 
characters themselves never became real.  I would encourage the author to 
continue writing, but to try completing some shorter, less complicated 
stories while polishing his technique.

Ratings for "Valerie":
Technical:  8
Plot and Character:  7
Appeal to DG:  7

* "For These Gifts" by Uther Pendragon (  It's Thanksgiving 
break at Bob and Jeanette Brennan's house, and it's time for games.  These 
"games" are choices of sexual behavior, new positions on the days when he 
chooses, mostly old ones when she makes the choice. In fact, she called her 
first game "Missionary."  Tonight she has a genuine need for Bob to "be 
gentle"; and so they play Cherish, which is actually a variation of 
Missionary.  Compared to some of the scenarios we see in this newsgroup, this 
sexual activity is no big thing - but a very nice no big thing.

For Bob's turn they make love sitting down - and standing up.

Between the two games, this story even includes a prayer - in fact, the title 
refers to the prayer that people often say on Thanksgiving, when they give 
thanks for the gifts they have received during the past year.

What I like about this series of stories is that the lovers are intelligent 
but ordinary people.  Bob is going to school (majoring in history) and 
Jeanette is working full time to make Bob's academic career possible.  They 
are looking forward to a happy future, but they are also trying to enjoy a 
happy present.  They sometimes have riotous sex, but it's in the perspective 
of a full life. 

Another way to say this is that a typical episode in this series is like 
three or four Dulcinea stories cohesively joined together.

Ratings for "For These Gifts"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* Thanksgiving" by Tom (  

Ann is a mild mannered former toxicologist who is now a dance therapist and 
active member of the local PTA.  She has a great ass and a pussy whose 
fragrance automatically generates erotic thoughts, even when one's face is 
not nicely nuzzled where it fits best.  She is married to Tom, the narrator 
of the story, a handsome chap who is a journalist.  Jerry, a brilliant 
scholar and sexy lawyer, was the narrator's closest friend in college and has 
become like a brother-in-law to Ann.  The kids have gone away for 
Thanksgiving, and Jerry is visiting the couple for Thanksgiving and has 
brought with him Sue, a professional masseuse who is at least as attractive 
as Ann.  I can identify with these people.  

The story opens with Ann and Sue walking ahead of the guys on the beach, 
gently swaying their cute little asses.  (I hope that misplaced modifier 
aroused you as much as it did me.)  From this point you can probably guess at 
least the general outline of the rest of the story; but the tale is 
delightfully told, and the fact that you can guess what's going to happen 
will not diminish your enjoyment of this story.  And besides, there are some 

Now I have a confession to make - two confessions actually.  Although I write 
these reviews and have become a bit of an expert or at least a connoisseur of 
sexual acrobatics, I have never engaged in an orgy and probably never will.  
My husband and I both understand the intense stimulation and sense of freedom 
that would be present if we did it with another couple, but we also see the 
value of the one-to-one intimacy that we share and don't want to do anything 
to risk losing this.  Nevertheless, I really enjoy picturing in my mind 
stories like this - even while I am making love to my husband

Which brings me to my second confession.  Between the first and second 
paragraphs of this review, I field tested this story.  I can now verify (1) 
that it is possible to come to mutual orgasm with a spouse by relating the 
basic events of this story by the fireplace - although it may be necessary to 
alter the plot to include a bank teller; and (2) that a focus on one part of 
this story seems to greatly increase the probability that the male partner 
will have a roaring second orgasm.  Go figure!  

As I was reading this story, I couldn't help thinking that it reminded me of 
several of the stories written by SueNH.  This is ironic; but you'll have to 
read the whole story and be at least remotely familiar with the writings of 
Sue to see the reason for this irony.  I really enjoyed this story - and so 
did my husband, even though he hasn't had time to read it yet.

Ratings for "Thanksgiving"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


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