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From: David Wright <>
Subject: {BlueWords} How I Do What I Do (codes go here, don't forget)
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{BlueWords} How I Do What I Do (codes go here, don't forget)

[Writer's pre-reading note: I made a lot of assumptions in this essay. For
instance, if you don't know who M1ke Hunt is, then most of this won't make
much sense. M1ke wrote a whole bunch of funny-as-hell stories on ASS/M. He
doesn't write as much anymore, because he got a real job. His wife's name is
June. Actually, that's about all you have to know. Enjoy!]

People are always asking me where I get my ideas. I get e-mail after e-mail
asking me this question. "Your such a good writer" they say. (Yes, I know they
misspelled "you're", but it's what they say.) "How do you come up with all your
wonderful ideas." (Yeah, and they don't know how to use question marks 
either.) "I have friends that read you're stuff and their really curious about how
you do it." (Yeah, 'it' isn't a very specific adjective.) "Please help me to
become a good writer like you'reself." (Yeah, they should have used the 
subjunctive case instead of the preciptual participle.) Well, I'm damn tired of
explaining it all the time so I thought I would write this essay and let you all
know at once so you'd leave me the hell alone.

Generally, I just make things up. Like the previous paragraph. Just made the
whole thing up. Oh, wait, you all were probably asking about where my ideas
come from, how do I write them down, what kind of font I use, that kind of
stuff. Okay, then, that's different.

Usually, I start with the beginning part. This is the part that warns people
under 18 not to read the story because everyone knows that reading about sex is
damaging to kids, or something like that. I usually say something like "If
you're under 18, go away." Like teenagers are going to listen anyway, right?
M1ke Hunt used to try and hide that part somewhere in his stories, but I like to
put it right up front and make it very obvious. The next thing I usually put is
the copyright notice part, about how this is my story and you'll rot in hell if you
try and steal it or make money from it without paying me first. M1ke usually
put that part at the end of his stories. He used to warn people that he had a
lawyer that he was going to sic on people if they tried to do anything funny
with them (the stories), like steal them or whatever. I happen to know that
M1ke was lying, he doesn't even have a lawyer. M1ke doesn't even know 
anyone who _is_ a lawyer. M1ke lies about everything. No offense, M1ke. 

You may have noticed that I have been mentioning M1ke a lot. It's no accident.
He's a lot funnier than I am, and I hope that if I mention him enough, you'll
think I'm pretty funny, too. Actually, several people think I'm funny, and I'd
like to tell you their names, too, so you'll be impressed that I know all these net
personalities. But the restraining orders won't let me do that. So here is some of
their e-mail they sent me, with important letters of their names x'd out so you
can't tell who they are.

Dear BlueWords [writer's note: that's me]
I think your stories are funny. Okay? Please don't write to me any more. You
said you'd stop last time.

BlueWords [writer's note: me again]
You are funny. Odd and funny. I thought the judge said you couldn't write me
anymore. Please stop or I'll have to call my lawyer again. [writer's note: I
happen to know she _does_ have a lawyer. A damn good one. Maybe she can 
tell M1ke about her lawyer.]

BlueWords [writer's note: still me]
As we say here in England, you're the kipper's pistol, eh whot? Not sure what it
means, either. [writer's note: I'm pretty sure being called a kipper's pistol
means I'm funny. Sounds funny, anyway.]
Svxn thx Xldxr

Bluewords [writer's note: the 'w' should have been capitalized, otherwise,
how's anyone going to know it's me?]
note: opps, sorry]

Anyway, as you can see, lot's of people think I'm funny. Even M1ke Hunt does.
Really! You don't believe me, do you? Well, the following is an e-mail I sent
him, and then after that is his response. So there, Mr. Smarty-pants.

To: M1keHunt
From: BlueWords
Subject: Re: Your fucking stuff


I just wanted to tell you that I like your fucking stuff, you know,
your stories. Jeez Louise, I didn't know you had 36 of 'em. I just
found your website (well, Baird's web site, I guess June's too cheap
to let you have one of your own, eh?), and was surprised to find so

I have laughed myself silly at your stuff. I have actually literally
fallen out of my chair and rolled on the floor laughing so hard. That
must have been either "Women are Stupid", or "Auto Biography". 

I saved a bunch from the web site to read later. Jxnxy recommended
"United Way" [writer's note: this was before the restraining order], so I'll start
with that. I occasionally do reviews, and have included several of yours. I'm not
as good as Cxlxstx (even the new one) or Txrxsx, or Lxx, for that matter, or...
well, shit, I just write the reviews, okay?

I guess I'm writing you just to say thanks, mainly. You have a
wonderful sense of humor. Eventually I'll read all of yours. THEN what
will I do? Man, I need the endorphines.

Well, anyway, take care. I write stories occasionally, and I plan on
doing one in your style (I've written humor, but not quite like
yours). I don't know how most people define "in the style of", but I'm
leaning towards "outright plagerism".

Take it easy, and thanks again,

P.S. Hey, I know you don't know me, so you may not realize I was kind
of joking around in this e-mail. Hope you don't take offense. I mean,
you're a legend in ASS and all, and I don't want to piss you off. Last
thing I'd want to do, is to annoy one of the famous net personalities.
I always forget to put in one of those little smiley faces :)  So I
hope you're not mad about anything I wrote above. Didn't mean to upset
you, if I did. I mean, you're so all important, Mr.
"I-wrote-36-stories-coz-I don't-have-to-work". Some of us have to
work, man. I have to go out every day, and work my ass off, and I just
have a little time to write something. I mean, sure, it's not great
literature I'm writing, but some people like it. But _you_, you sit
around all day, eating HoHo's and drinking lemonade and living the
high life, while people like me break their backs for a lousy fucking
dime. It's just not fair, it's just not fair, it's.... 

Sorry. I guess I lost it there for a bit. I really do like your stuff.
Sorry. I, I'm better now. 


P.P.S. Say, do you think, if I sent you my next story, you could like
proofread it for me? You know, just point out, like the obvious errors
and maybe check the spelling, and, you know, write a critique of each
paragraph, stating it's strengths and weaknesses, something like that.
Of course, only if you have the time, and want to. Don't want to
bother you any. 

[Here's his response:] [BTW, that last colon bracket thing wasn't supposed to
be a smiley face or anything, it's just I'm putting all my comments in brackets
here, and I needed to use a colon, too. That's it.:)] [BTW again, in case you
didn't know, 'BTW' is an acronym, which stands for 'Big-Titted-Woman'. Just
trying to be helpful.]

From: M1keHunt
To: bluewords [writer's note: BlueWords! Capital B l-u-e capital W o-r-d-s.
How hard can this be?]
Subject: Re: Your fucking stuff

Hey thanks for the note. I'm so far behind in my correspondence, not to 
mention my writing, that I'll just shoot this off - a problem I've had before in
my life, I might add...

Hey, your letter was funny as hell. You keep it up and you might actually write
a story that makes people laugh. You might even get some mail with smiley 
faces and really cool acronyms like LMAOROFLYM.  (The YM means "You 
Moron".) No seriously, I mean it. Really. Truly.


[writer's note: I cut out a bunch of boring stuff here, things about his life and
cancer treatment, shit like that, as if anyone really cares, you know?]

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to write. I *do* appreciate it.


[So there you have it ... wait, I don't need the brackets any more]

So there you have it. See? "...your letter was funny as hell." That proves I'm
funny. Case closed. 

You know, now that I think about it, "hell" isn't really very funny, what with
all that fire and brimstone and flat Coke, and those guys with the big forks and
all. But I'm sure that's not what M1ke meant, I mean, he and I are old buddies.
Christ, I don't know anything about hell anyway, I'm an atheist. 

As an aside, you might have noticed that when people wrote me, they wrote it
to someone called "BlueWords". Now, that's not my name. So why does my e-
mail come to BlueWords? Well, it's a handle, or a 'nym', which is short for
pseudonym. That's French, literally meaning fake-pseudo. Anyway, I use a 
pseudonym for a variety of reasons. It helps keep me anonymous, so that people
don't come to my house and bother me all the time (especially the lawyers). It
makes it easy for people to find my stories. They can just do a search on 
BlueWords, and find everything I've written ("Betty Gets Fucked", "Betty Gets
Fucked again" and "Betty Still Gets Fucked Last Summer", my movie tie-in).
And it's a convenient e-mail address where all my spam gets sent to. Finally, it
makes it harder for my wife to find out I'm writing nasty stories and posting

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, how do I get my ideas? Well, since this is, I start thinking about when I personally have sex. I try
to describe it, what it's like, where I am, stuff like that. I mean, usually I'm by
myself, say in the bathroom or something. So I use things like that. Well, to
start out with, anyway. Then I try to put in something interesting. Here's an

I was in the bathroom alone having sex with my favorite person, when suddenly
a motorcycle burst through the wall. To say I was astonished would be an 
understatement. On the bike was a busty redhead wearing a black leather 
bikini. She grabbed my arm. 

"You're coming with me, you stud. You need to come and make love with me 
all night." 

"But, what about my wife?" I asked her questioningly.

"She can come along, too. Wait a minute, you're married? Who'd marry a loser
like you? I mean look at how lame your fantasies are. A busty redhead on a

"Hey, this is _my_ fantasy. You're supposed to take me off and make love with

"No way asshole. Why don't you just continue beating off like you were before I

Well, there you go, a sample of how I come up with story ideas. Of course, it
needs some editing. Actually, the preceding little piece was the genesis of my
story "Novelty Store". Neat to see an author at work, isn't it? [writer's note: If
you haven't actually read "Novelty Store" yet, now would be a good time to go
look it up on the net at and
read it, to see the finished work. Otherwise you won't get a good idea of how a
writer works, which is the whole point of this essay, YM.]

Another place I get stories from: I steal them. It's easy, and anyone can do it. I
mean, look at how many M1ke Hunt has. Thirty-six or more stories! You think
he's going to miss one? I don't think so. Go look at my story "Down the 
Stairs". I copied it exactly from M1ke's story "United Way". Word for word the
same. Hell, I even forgot to change the copyright notice. All I changed was the
title and the story codes (and not even all of those). Nobody even noticed. All
you UNIX geeks, get the two files (DTS is at, and UW is at and do a diff on them. Maybe three
lines different.

Which reminds me of another point. Readers are morons. Really. I mean, any
one reading just wants to get their rocks off, they don't
care about copyright, or who wrote it, or plot, or characterization, or anything. I
know I don't. I mean, most of the stuff in this newsgroup is written by 16 year
old boys, anyway. And it's read by 16 year old boys, too, often the same ones.
Probably _the_ same one. Put the phrase "...then he sucked her tit" in a story
and you've just made a young boy come in his pants. I'll bet nobody knew this,
but Cxlxstx was a 16 year old boy. Well, at first she, I mean he, was a 14 year
old boy, but then she, uh he had a couple birthdays. Fucking transvestite, if you
ask me. Of course, nobody does ever ask me. That's because they're morons. So
I proved another point. That's two!

Another place to get stories from is using an odd phrase for the title. Like
"Fucking Transvestite". Not that I'd ever write a story called that, Christ, I'm
no transvestite. Sure, I wear women's underwear, but then, who doesn't? Half
the population of this country wears women's underwear. Why do you think 
there are all those goddamn lingerie shops, like "Frederick's Secret" and all?
Well, I'll tell you. It's a cover so that men can read a Playboy-like magazine
without getting caught. Those catalogs they have aren't for the women, they're
for men. Men pick them up and drool over the women barely wearing anything,
and then, if they do get caught drooling, say by their wives or girlfriends or
secretaries or some transvestite, they can claim they were looking for a gift to
give to the person catching them. [Writer's note: Yeah that last sentence was
awkward, but I left it in because I wanted to show you it's not always easy to
write stuff. That and I'm too lazy to edit it.] All that underwear is 
uncomfortable anyway. The straps cut into your shoulders, and the lace is 
scratchy, and the thong rides up your butt crack. Uh, at least, that's what I've
been told. By women. Really. Anyway, all that stuff is designed to be 
uncomfortable, so that women will want to take it off. "I wore this for you,
honey," a woman will say, and the man says "Great, take it off and let's fuck."
Well, that's what I say. Or would say, if given the chance. 

Which is another reason to write stories. You can write about what has 
happened to you personally, but in case nothing has, then you can make 
something up that you'd like to happen to you. Say for instance, that you, being
a male (and I'm not saying you are or anything, don't get so huffy about it),
want to try anal sex with your wife (you 16 year-olds probably aren't married,
unless you live in the south somewhere, and then it's only to your cousin, so
just imagine, okay?). Your wife, being the kind, caring woman she is, threatens
you with bodily harm if you ever get your dick within 10 feet of her ass, and
since she's beaten you up before, you take her seriously now. So, you have to
just make up a story in which she changes her mind and lets you do it. Okay,
there's a slight problem in that, since you've never actually had anal 
intercourse before, you not sure how it feels, and you might write something
stupid, especially since everyone else in this newsgroup has had anal sex,
apparently. I solve this problem by writing in kind of general terms. Something
like "Then, I fucked her ass." See? Probably just made some 16 year old come
in his pants again. Or all over the keyboard. Which reminds me, you probably
want to print out the stories instead of just reading them off the monitor. If you
get ejaculate all over the keyboard, it makes the keys stick, and then you have to
take it in to get cleaned, and the people at the computer store look at you funny.
I'd just buy a new keyboard; hey, I have a volume discount at "Computer's R
Us" now.

Which reminds me of something else. Women have it so easy. They can 
masturbate and not worry about getting stuff all over everything. You never see
a woman in the computer store saying something like "I don't know how it got
all sticky like that. Can you clean it out?" Actually, that would be kind of
interesting to see, though. Hell, I'd pay to see some woman hump a keyboard.
I'd even help out. As long as she didn't mind it getting all sticky. "I'm c-o-m-i-
n-gggggggg." Another idea for a story.

Which just goes to show you, you can get ideas from anywhere. Say you're in
the grocery store ("you're in the grocery store"), reading "Cosmopolitan" or
picking up a "Lonely Man" frozen dinner, and some pretty woman walks by. 
Normally she'd probably glare at you because you're staring at her tits, but in
your story, you could have her walk over to you, and say something like "I just
love pudgy, balding, middle-aged men staring at my tits, you hunka hunka 
burning love you. Come and make love to me in the produce section." [Writer's
note: I'm pretty sure the phrase "hunka hunka burning love" was from a song
from some fat guy {writer's sub note: Santa Claus?}, but since this is an essay,
it's educational and I can use it without paying royalties or anything. At least,
that's what my lawyer would say, if I had one.] So see, she wants you, at least
in your pathetic story. Continue on with the story, make up more things. Hell,
it's a story, right? You can do anything you want to. Have her suck you off,
then fuck her right away. Sure, it could never actually happen (I mean, have
you ever come more than once in a week?), but it's a story. Have fun, go hog
wild. Only, if you actually do use a hog, make sure you put "best" in the story
codes. It stands for 'bestiality', although why that's not spelled 'beastiality' is
beyond me. It's also beyond me why it doesn't stand for 'best', as in 'this is the
best story." I used to put it in the codes all the time, until I got a lot of irate e-
mail from people wondering where the animals were in my stories. Fucking 

Which brings up another point. Story codes. You should probably use them. 
Some people get really torqued off if you leave them out, especially if you put a
few in, but not all of them. They'll write you nasty notes about what a scumbag
you are for having forgotten to put them in. Say for instance, you write a story
about a woman getting kidnapped, raped, tortured and then cut up into little
pieces. Now, I'd code this something like (MF), or maybe (M+F) if there was
more than one man involved. But some people (who will remain nameless, due
to the restraining order) would get upset over this. They'd want you to include
things like (rape, tort, snuff). Now, nowhere in the story are there any torts or
anyone doing snuff, or even smoking, but they insist on it. I like torts, don't get
me wrong (apple is my favorite) but I don't think I should label a story with
one. And I'd never have a character smoke or chew tobacco, that's just sick.

One place you might think would be good to get erotic story ideas from is the
porn that you see in hotel rooms. You might think that but you'd be wrong.
This porn in not only not erotic, it's boring. The only idea I ever got from the
porn on hotel TVs is a description of a woman. I put "She's got big tits." The
actors in these movies and TV shows are the one they won't let make real porn.
Not only can't they act, they can't even fuck very good. Generally the plot is
something like: Couple meets, their clothes fall off, the man lies on the woman
and pretends to lick her chest while the woman tosses her head from side to
side. Occasionally, they kiss, but this is generally an accident. Sometimes,
when they're suppose to be fucking, they aren't even moving. At all. It isn't
called "the old in-and-out" for nothing. You can lie still after you come, but
usually one or both of the couple has to move at least a little before that
happens. You 16 year olds boys out there might not understand this, seeing as
how the closest you've probably every gotten to actually having sex is coming
in your shorts when your pretend girlfriend gives you a pretend hickey. Maybe
that's why all the hotel TV porn is bad, it's written by 16 year old boys.

Now, so far, I've written mostly about how men (or in this case, 16 year old
boys) can write stories, and I haven't said anything about how women (or in
this case, 16 year old boys) can come up with ideas. Mainly, that's because I
don't have a clue. But that hasn't stopped me so far, so I'll give it a shot. First,
try to figure out who your prime audience is. If you're writing to this 
newsgroup, it's 16 year old boys. A phrase like "...she sucked her tit" will
make even 17 year old boys come in their shorts. Notice, it would probably
have to be a story about female-female sex. Shouldn't be a problem for you,
since every woman I've ever met has been gay, anyway. Fucking dykes. See, 
there's a story title now. It's easy. Okay, enough of that, since there aren't any
women reading this anyway.

In closing, I just want to say that I've forgotten what I was writing about again.
Oh, yeah, where my ideas come from. Well, I think I've probably said 
everything I feel like writing down about that. Oh, except: Times New Roman,
10 point. 

This is also where I would usually point out that you can contact me at, but if I did that I'd probably get a bunch of hate mail
again. If I had a website, I'd mention it, but I don't, so I won't. I also want to
apologize to anyone that I might have offended in this essay. Sometimes I can
come off as a little gruff, and some people can't take a joke. Fucking idiots.

Also, I guess I need to apologize to M1ke Hunt for mentioning him so much,
and using his e-mail reply without permission. I actually asked him if I could,
but I decided to publish this before he could reply affirmatively to me. 
(Actually, what he said was something like 'Fuck no, you can't use my reply.
I'll get my lawyer to sue your ass off." Since I know he doesn't have a lawyer, I
just ignored him.) 

Also, I should probably apologize to Jxnxy, Txrxsx, Lxx, Cxlxstx and Xnnx 
(who I didn't mention because of the other restraining order, the one that
forbids me to even put in x's for vowels). They are truly a great group of
people. I've never met a bunch of young boys pretending to be women I've 
liked more. Oh, and Svxn, who pretends he _is_ a 16 year old boy. 

Finally, I just wanted to point out the I am _not_ a 16 year old boy. I mean, I
was, uh, a few years ago, but not right now. Hopefully, someday I can be one
again. What? Oh, someone just told me that it doesn't work that way. That is so
unfair. They didn't even have personal computers when I was 16 years old. 
Man that sucks. Well, I guess I can act like a 16 year old (most people that
know me say I do anyway, so I guess it's a compliment). Besides, nobody 
knows who you are on the net anyway. Not even the 16 year olds.

And last, I just want to say that this essay is Copyright (c) 1998 by David
Wright, All rights reserved. Any resemblance to a real essay is purely 
coincidental. No animals were hurt during the making of this essay. Well, not
too badly. The vet says they'll recover fine, but if I do it again, he'll report me
next time. Fucking vets. Hey, yet another great title. Be sure to put (best) in the
codes because it'll probably be a really good story.

Oh, yeah, one more thing. 
You can find M1ke's stories at:
Jxnxy has stuff at:
Txrxsx has a nice story at:
Xnnx has a website at:
Lxx, well she does reviews and stuff in ASSD under the name XlxctrxLxdy.

BTW, I was just informed that BTW doesn't stand for "Big-Titted Woman" 
after all. Seems it really stands for "Big Tough Wanker". Apparently it's a
compliment or something, just like "Big-Titted Woman" is.

What are you reading down here for? I said "in closing", "finally", "and last"
and even "one more thing" already, what the hell else do you want me to say?
Go home now. 

I stole that last bit from the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", but since nobody
stays 'til the end of the movie (except me), nobody else saw that part. And most
of you were only 4 when it came out anyway.

Oh, yeah, I actually _did_ get permission from M1ke, so his response e-mail
(except for my comments in []) is Copyright (c) M1ke Hunt, 1998. All his 
rights reserved. 

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