Weird by Karen Blayne

Oh by the way, red tape first.

Copyrighted Karen Blayne 2002.   All copies must be of the complete document.   

Be warned these short stories contain mature content or naughty bits and as such may corrupt you if you’re under 12, 16, 18, 21 or 25 depending where you live thus they are not suitable for you so put them back on the shelf and let them age for a year or two.

They were sort of scribbled for fun. They were first posted on If you’ve paid money for this book just be aware the author has not received any payment. In fact no one has permission to charge money for this book and copyright is retained by the author. accepts donations if you’re feeling rich or even if you’re not.

Luv Karen


Well I'd arrived.  I'd finally made it.  I'd wanted to do music but there were too many other students who were after the courses so I had to settle for second best, maths.  Even then if my Aunt Phyllis hadn't rung up to say she'd found a University with a spare place in statistics because some foreign student had dropped out when their government was overthrown I wouldn't be here now.  I'd found this like really cheap flight on the internet, it sort of like started at 2:30 p.m. and had like only three changes before like dropping me off at the airport at 6:20 am.

I even had time to catch a bus into town.  I'd gone to the lodging office first to see what I could find.  I was first in the queue when they opened there must have been a hundred other students behind me when they opened the doors at 9 am.  I was hoping for a place in Hall but can you believe it nothing was available.  I mean to say it wasn't as if they didn't know lots of students would want rooms.  All there were two apartments at rents I couldn't even begin to afford.  Then the phone rang in the office.  The lady helping me answered it turned to her computer screen and then covered the mouthpiece “Do you like cats?” I nodded.  “She'll be there within thirty minutes.” I would? “I'm not supposed to give you this without having someone inspect it first but it sounds alright and the gentleman concerned has given the University one or two donations in the past.  Here you are here's a map showing you the house.  It's a nice district, it's a sort of bed and board in exchange for looking after a cat but can you get there in the next twenty minutes? I suggest taking a cab.”

I took a cab.  “Hello are you the young lady from the University?” I nodded, young lady well I was young and the right sex at least.  He was old, and dressed in a white shirt, tie and suit, weird, God he must have been 28 at least.  He stepped out of the front door and signaled for the cab to wait.  “Got any identity?” I showed my letter of offer.  “Right just look at the camera.  Good, now to get into the house you just look at the camera outside and press the doorbell.  I'll see you at the weekend.” And that was it.  He took my cab and off he went, weird.  Oh well if it worked I wouldn't have to worry about losing my key.  I carried my bags into the hall and looked round.  The house looked a bit grand compared with what I was used to but what the heck I could get used to it.  I walked into the kitchen and there sitting in a patch of sunlight, clicking quietly staring out the window at the birds feeding in the garden was the cat.  It stared up at me.  I stared right back at it.  I checked out the rest of the house, it seemed to be just one person living there judging by the clothes and the unmade bed.  Spooky, I wasn't sure about living in an empty house all by myself.  I made myself a cup of coffee then returned to the University.  I joined the queue to pay my fees.

God why hadn't all these guys paid the day before term? They just had no idea.  The queue went round every building in the place.  I stood in line.  God I was like really tired.  We shuffled up.  I closed my eyes and started having one of those dreams.  The person behind me moved closed and I heard movement in front.  I shuffled up again.  I dreamt someone was fondling my butt, just running their hand lightly over it.  It felt kinda cool.  The hand pushed me forward; time to shuffle forward again was it? I was getting in the mood for something when the person behind moved their hand to my tummy and started nibbling my ear.  God I just melt when someone does that.  It's unreal, like I just have no control over my body.  I kept my eyes closed and the dream continued.  I leant back and rested against the body behind me.  We shuffled forward again then stopped.  Then we shuffled forward again, almost like a long slow dance but it's your butt that's doing the rubbing.  “Come on slut, wake up it's time to pay.” A female voice, OhMyGod, I turned to say something and was met with a kiss.  My body was just so aroused, the kiss deepened.  “If you've quite finished, some of us are trying to collect fees here.” I went beet red.  I put my hand in my bag and pulled out my certified cheque and the letter of offer.  Afterwards my new friend? took my hand and led me across to the cafeteria.  “Look I'm not a lesbian.” “Have you tried it?” “No.” “Don't knock it till you've tried it.  Besides you know I know how to turn your body on.” What could I say? I just went beet red again.  “Good that's settled.  I'm Sheila by the way.” “I'm Tracy.” “Right let's go see what Fresher's week has to offer.”

We hit Fresher's week with a vengeance.  It about midnight that Sheila looked at me and said “I think it's time I found my minivan and went to bed.” “You're not going to sleep in a car overnight are you?” “No other choice my pet.  The lodgings office had nothing when I went yesterday so it's curl up on a fully reclined seat again for me tonight.” “You could come back to my place, certainly until Saturday morning.” “Now that's the best offer I've heard all day.” Sheila drove me home which was kind of fortunate because when I looked at the bus timetable the last bus was 11:45 p.m.  Her minivan was kind of really cute.  It was one of the really old first ones that had been hand painted a bright purple colour with yellow daisies on it.  “Like it?” “Wow.” “Wait to you see inside.” Inside the seats had been recovered in pink, and the carpets replaced with a deep royal blue.  It was definitely one of a kind. 

Sheila pulled up on the drive and a light came on over the garage and the front door.  Up the street some guy was sat waiting in his car.  His wife must have locked him out or something.  Anyway we stumbled in and grabbed like the double bed in the main bedroom.  Well why not only one set of sheets to wash and went to sleep.  Can you believe it but at 4 am the cat jumps up on top of me and starts to meow.  Eventually I got up and made a cup of tea.  There was some cat food in the fridge so I fed it a little and it seemed to stop the meows.  Honestly 4 a.m.  and it wants food.  Why can't it eat at normal times like everyone else?

Later we were lying in bed when Sheila turned to me “Hey I've got this really great idea.  Do you want to break up this bikini contest they have as part of Fresher's week?” “Break it up what you mean?” “Well it's sexist, can't allow that.  We'll just show up in two outrageous bikinis and win the contest.  But we'll just do a kiss on stage so the football guys who go to these things will know we aren't interested.  Sort of power thing, blow their minds.” “It'll cause a riot more like than not.” “So, it'll be a show of girl power.” I wasn't so sure but Sheila talked me into it.  Then she talked me out of my respectable bikini into something quite different.  “My cousin in Byron Bay Aussie land sent me a few for my birthday last year.  They're called Wicked Weasels and they are wicked and I mean Wicked.” “Doesn't sound quite my style.” She buried her head between my legs then waited until I was almost there.  She put her head up.  “Dare you to do it?” “No.” She breathed across my clit.  “Oh God Sheila finish me off” I begged, “Are we entering the contest.” “No.” My voice didn't sound so convincing; “Please” she breathed across my clit again.  “Ok we'll enter now for god's sake finish me off.” She did.  I did.  When we went downstairs there was a brown lump in the bottom of the bread-maker.  I never was any good at cooking.  Oh and the cat was meowing again.  I wondered if all it did was eat.

We tried on the bikinis.  There was skimpy, skimpier, OhMyGod, and are you sure this is supposed not to disappear between my pussy lips? The last was OK on Sheila but I needed something wider than one and a half inches if I was to be able to walk.  The skimpier wasn't too bad if I completely shaved myself first.  Having said that it had a centre seam that pushed itself between my lips and held them separated.  It was so tight that the centre seam rubbed against my clit as well.  That was only when I pulled it up.  It was sort of V cut in the front with the bottom of the V a tiny millimeter above my clit.  “I can't wear this.” “No one will notice from the hall they'll be miles away.  Trust me it'll be fine.” I looked in a mirror at the back.  Three strings joined together in a tiny circle.  I put the top on.  Well it covered the essentials as long as you didn't go jogging and breathed very gently.  A quarter inch narrower and I'd be totally indecent with my nipples exposed.  But I must confess the thin unlined material did show off my nipples nicely.  Not the sort of thing to show mummy.  Sheila thought the pale blue one looked good on me.  She wore a white one even tinier than mine made of a lace material.  “God you look good woman.” I heard myself say.  “Shall we shave now?” “No I don't think so, a few wisps of pubic hair should arouse them nicely.” A few wisps, we were both dark in fact in the wrong light you could almost see through the material.  My pubic hair had been trimmed back for my respectable bikini but the one I had on now was much smaller.  We picked up a couple of beach robes and put our jeans and tee shirts on over the top and off we went to try our chances.  Sheila brought an insulated bag with her.

We joined the other girls and put our makeup on, Sheila did mine much heavier than normal in a different style to my usual one, and she did hers to match.  Our bikinis were covered by beach wraps.  We both put on blond wigs.  Sheila told the guy running the show that I was shy and so could we go on last.  The other girls trooped out one by one onto the stage.  Our bikinis were by far the tiniest.  Then we were called.  Sheila thrust a water pistol on my robe's pocket from the insulated bag.  It felt really cold.  “Ice water, great for warming things up.” Then we were on.  All I could see was lights.  “Come on then opening time.” came the cry from the front.  Sheila and I both opened and dropped our robes at the same time.  The crowd went wild, hooting and hollering.  Then Sheila pointed the water pistol at my boobs and a stream of water hit them.  I felt my nipples harden when the ice cold water hit.  I picked up my pistol and squirted Sheila.  Her bikini just seemed to melt away, within seconds it was totally transparent.  “Way to go.” Came the yell from the front of the hall.  I looked down at my costume, that had gone transparent as well.  I wondered if anyone else was wearing an unlined costume, some were, all screamed when the cold water hit.  The crowd was ecstatic.  Beer cans flew high in the air.  The compere was calling for calm.  In the middle of it all Sheila reached across and French kissed me in the middle of the stage.  The crowd roared even louder now.  I felt her hands bush my hips.  She couldn't have? The bows tying my bottom together at the sides were undone and she flung my thong it into the crowd.  Wolf whistles, cat calls, bodies throwing themselves on stage.  Girls in skimpy bikinis screaming, this was getting way out of hand.

I stood frozen, Sheila grabbed my hand and we ran to the stage door at the back.  Sheila picked up a fire extinguisher and started to spray foam across the stage.  Bikini clad girls in high heels fell over.  Guys who had stormed the stage fell on top.  Sheila threw the still gushing fire extinguisher across the stage and slammed the door to.  Then she grabbed a chair and jammed it under the handle.  We ran to the dressing room and I threw on my jeans.  We stuffed the wigs in our bags.  Sheila kindly slid her hand in the front so the zip didn't catch in my pubic hairs, a tee shirt over the top and we were away.  We walked out of the building so as not to draw attention to ourselves.  We saw the lights flashing and sirens wailing as reinforcements rushed to the scene.

“Hey you two.” “Who us officer?” “Yes you two.  You wouldn't have just come out of the students’ union building would you? We're looking for the two blondes who started all this.” Sheila pointed across the grass.  “There's two blond girls over there.  I think they may need assistance.” Across the grass two bikini clad girls were being carried off screaming on the shoulders of a dozen hefty footballers.  “Oh God two damsels in distress come on Joe hit the siren.” We were left in peace and quietly caught the bus home.

“Won't they catch us?” “I don't think so I gave the name of the V.C.'s secretary and that librarian who fined me for being ten minutes late with a book I'd borrowed from the short term collection.” “Oh well that's that then.”

Next day we looked in at a lecture on the evils of drinking and sex.  I never knew you could get AIDs from drinking beer before.  I made up my mind then and there to only drink wine and spirits from henceforth.  Lesbian sex wasn't as risky as heterosexual sex unless you were a member of a church group in which case you would be damned forever.  Afterwards as we were coming out Sheila whispered “See I told you I was better than a boy.” We collected our trays in the canteen but there were no empty tables.  I spotted one with a single girl so we headed that way.  “May we sit down?” “Yeah sure no one else wants to sit with me.” The girl didn't look that bad to me for a start she had the sort of long dark hair I've give my eye teeth for as long as I didn't have to wash and dry it.  She was a bit odd no makeup, had glasses on and was wearing a pleated knee length skirt.  I mean who wears such clothes these days?  Quite pretty though, dowdy but pretty if you know what I mean.  “I'm sorry where were my manners? I'm Glynda by the way I just seem a bit of a misfit here.” “I'm Tracy and this is Sheila we're kinda of misfits as well.  Sheila is into women's lib sort of stuff.” Glynda looked at us.  “I thought I recognized you.  The two blondes who wrecked the bikini contest.” I looked round to see if anyone had heard.  “Don't worry I won't give you away.  I saw you walking away from the student's union yesterday when everyone else was running towards it.  Besides from what I heard there was a very real French kiss involved and you two look like it would be a real French kiss.  Where did you get the bikinis? Someone said they were really wicked.” Sheila spoke “My Aussy cousin sent them over.” “Could I see them? From the tales I've heard they were quite something.  Oh did you see the paper this morning? Apparently they think the V.C.'s secretary and a librarian were involved.” Sheila and I both burst out giggling.  “Anyway the bikini contest has been cancelled from Fresher's week next year which I assume was your object.”

We had lunch and Glynda came back with us to the house to check out the bikinis.  “My God you actually wore these to the contest?” She pooled her skirt at her feet as she started to undress to try one on.  She was so old fashioned she actually was wearing stockings.  “Stockings?” “Well yes, I have to keep my pussy cool otherwise it gets red and irritated.  Besides I like to wear something glamorous underneath my knee length skirts.” “OK.” I put one of the light coloured bikini thongs under the tap so she could see just how transparent they went when wet.  “I could never have gone on stage in public in these.” Tawny the cat wandered over and rubbed up against her leg.  She bent down to pick her up and cradled her in her arms.  “Hey I like your place here, it's really neat.  Have you listened to all those Trumpet Concertos?” “Trumpet Concertos? Is that what they are.  They're the landlords.  Tracy here is the official lodger but I'm keeping her company until the weekend when the wicked landlord returns.  We've got some really solid Heavy Metal somewhere if you'd like to listen to some good music.” “Not really I actually like classical.  Like I said I'm a misfit at this University.  Love the kitchen though.” “Hey it's almost time for tea.  What do you fancy Pizza or Chinese takeout?” “ I could throw something together if you like.” We liked.  Somehow home cooked food has always been my favourite I've just never been any good at cooking.  Tawny liked it as well and licked the plates clean afterwards.

We saw Glynda around campus quite a bit after that.  None of us were into the cheerleading thing or watching the footballers.  I even got talked into going to a concert with her.  It was only when we got there I realized it was a concert with an orchestra not a pop group.  Still as Sheila says you have to experience things to find out about them.  Talking about which Sheila pointed out since I wasn't paying any rent we could spend some money on this really wicked outfit she'd found for me.  It was the kind of shop that was really sleazy in a really sleazy alley.  Some of the garments in there I wouldn't even know how to put them on.  Anyway we found this sort of Merry Widow black corset thing that was so obscene I mean it had little strap things that Sheila said were for stockings it sort of half covered my breasts but left my nipples surrounded by a ruffle of lace.  I wouldn't have brought it but Sheila said I really had to experience it.  So we brought it and of course seeing that we were new customers the guy behind the counter gave us a free gift each.  Can you believe it mine was a ball gag and Sheila’s was some leather straps.  Just as we were coming out I saw some really cool panties; well I like the colour.  It was only when I picked them up I saw they were crotchless.  Sheila paid for them and got given an eyeshade for her free gift.  I thought great next time I fly the red eye not realizing Sheila had other plans.

So Friday we get back and Sheila talks me into trying the Merry Widow thing on.  She produced like some black seamed stockings from somewhere and dressed me up.  I felt so different; I did a little dance in front of the stereo downstairs.  Sheila thought it needed a couple of finishing touches so she had me step into the crotchless panties.  God it felt totally indecent.  Worse than not wearing any panties at all.  “Close your eyes and lie down, rest your head on this pillow.” I did.  I should have known better.  First she used the leather straps to tie me up.  Then she used the eyeshades to cover my eyes.  “I'm going to use you as a guinea pig for my new project to control electronic devices based on feedback loops.” “Oh yeah, what does that mean?” “You'll see or rather feel real soon.” she giggled.  The first thing I felt was helpless.  The second was the ball gag.  The third was something taped next to my left breast.  Then something was taped just under my right nipple.  She slipped a pad under the front of my panties and positioned it over my clit.  Then two more probes one up my bum and you'll just have to guess where the other one went.  “Now then let's just try a few keys.” I felt a pulse as first one breast then the other was vibrated.  Then the pad started then the other two in turn.  “Good those are all working, now for the masterpiece.” She taped some other pads on me that felt as if they had wires attached.  “Good now let's just turn on.”

I felt the pad in my panties twitch then start to hum soon I was really turned on.  Then suddenly the pad slowed down.  “OhMyGod that looks as if it really works.  Now then I'll just start the program running you'll really enjoy this it's sort of designed to bring you to just before the big O.  If you think really wicked thoughts though you might just get there.  Bye I'm just going to go to the store.  See you soon.” “Wait you can't go you'll never get back in!” I tried to scream but couldn't.  “What was that poppet? You don't want me to leave you? That's touching.  Bye.”

Then followed I don't know how long of alternating torture and bliss.  Finally I heard the front door open.  Someone walked past me into the kitchen.  “Sheila undo me.” I tried to say but nothing really came out.  I heard the doorbell ring.  Oh God some religious Witness and there's me on the floor looking like I don't know what.  “Hi I'm Sheila, Tracy invited me to stay for a day or two since she didn't like being on her own.  You must be Tracy's landlord.” OhMyGod I want to die.  Don't look this way whatever you do.  Please God open up the floor anything but OhGod.  “I'm so glad you've arrived back because the front door only opens for Tracy when she rings the bell and I don't think she could have answered the door.” It was him, my landlord who had walked straight past me into the kitchen.  Oh God I really did want to die.  I was so embarrassed.  Please God I want to die right now, anything to stop this nightmare.

“Tracy said you're interested in looking at student ids? Here's mine or it will be when I find it in my bag.  I find Tracy a really interesting person don't you? Always open to new things.” “Shut up!” I mouthed into my gag.  Sheila how could you do this to me.  “She's all wired up as you can see at the moment.  Not every girl would agree to that now would they?” I'm going to kill her when I get free.  “No I suppose not.” “I really like her legs, I mean to say covered with black stockings don't they just turn you on?” “Well I suppose they do.” Hey come on guy my legs are good even if I do say so myself you should be wetting your pants just seeing me trussed up like this.  “You know my computer program is designed to bring her almost to the point but not quite.” Oh yes I knew I definitely knew that now.  “How interesting.” “If I just take out this pad and the front vibrator from her panties.  There now it would be an act of kindness to just slip your finger inside her.” “Do you think so? It wouldn't be an unwanted sexual advance from a wicked landlord would it.” “For God’s sake stop talking and put something in me, please.  I hate this ball gag.” “I think she's trying to say something.” The ball gag was removed from my mouth.  “Please please please will someone do something to get me off.  I don't care if it’s a finger or what it is just do something.” I heard myself say.  “Your wish is my command.” I heard a masculine voice say.  More importantly I felt myself penetrated.  “My you are damp aren't you.” My big O arrived just as I felt his finger enter.  “If you'd like to move your finger out I'll show you just what she is really capable of.”

I didn't like the sound of any of this.  What was going on? The eyeshade still stopped me from seeing anything.  I felt a ribbon being pulled at my hip.  My tie sided panties fell away.  A breath of warm air drifted over my clit.  No not in front of my landlord I thought.  Her magic tongue began its wicked work.  She stopped for a moment.  “If you look at the screen you can see her last big O look how long it lasted.  Now watch.” Os didn't last very long did they? Mine didn't.  I felt mine building up inside, then it hit.  Ok I'm there.  Ok.  OK.  It started building again and then I was on a roll.  “Interesting watching her reaction on the computer.  Is she really having one long orgasm?” I heard the words but wasn't really taking anything in.  Five minutes later I was finished and I mean finished.  “Marvelous performance.  I don't think I've ever seen anything like it.  Are you staying with us by the way or have you somewhere else to live.” “Just my van outside in the drive.” “Well I'm sure we can find you a bed somewhere.  If not Tracy probably won't mind sharing hers.” I woke up.  What I still had a room? I hadn't been thrown out on the street? “Was Tracy's outfit Tracy's idea or yours?” “We brought it together but I thought Tracy would look really good in it.” “You must take her shopping again, here's a little pocket money to take with you.  Where have you been sleeping in my double bed? Oh well there's room in the second bedroom for a double so perhaps we'll pick one up tomorrow.  I'll sleep in the single tonight.”

I heard his footsteps retreat into the kitchen then a hopeful voice “I don't suppose either of you know how to cook?” “Sorry.” “Oh well the Lucky Windchime delivery service again I suppose.  Chinese for three?” “Chinese for three.  I like sweet and sour by the way.” Sheila took off my eyeshade and fanned a bunch of $50 notes in her hand.  “We're going shopping tomorrow my sweet.  Poppet is going to get an outfit that will really make his eyes pop out.” Then she kissed me.

A couple of weeks later Sheila came up with this really great idea for midterm we could take the minivan and go camping.  Well we found a campsite not that far from a McDonald's.  No need to go to extremes you understand.  What to do about Tawny? We were sat in the union playing a game of bridge.  “Glynda darling.” “Oh dear I mistrust that tone of voice, I didn't trump your ace by mistake did I?” “No you never do.” “Oh good that's alright then.” “Glynda what are you doing over midterm?” “Well I can't afford to go home, no I'm not going camping with you, I had sort of thought about curling up with my CD player.” “How about curling up in front of a stereo system with all those trumpet concertos?” “Cat sitting you mean?” “Well yes.” “And let me guess your landlord doesn't know you are planning to go off, so he won't teach the door who I am, so I'll have to stay indoors for the whole time?” “Yes, but he's due back Friday night or Saturday and all you have to do is show him your student id and he'll be happy.” “Well given its that or being stuck sharing an apartment playing raspberry to three girls and their boyfriends, plus feeling guilty in case that Tawny isn't being fed right I accept your kind invitation.” We took her back and installed her in the house then set off in the minivan for our camping trip.  Like Sheila said our landlord needed someone there to look after Tawny and we won't have to worry about Glynda going all glam at our landlord and displacing us.  I mean to say he just seemed to treat me as eye fodder.  No fondling of my breasts or anything.  Kinda weird considering the displays Sheila and I were putting on for him in my new clothes that Sheila had picked out for me and her.  Nothing totally indecent you understand just not the sort of length of skirt you'd wear to the union bar if the football club was there, or the sort of clothes to wear if your grandfather had a weak heart and certainly not the clothes you'd wear on a cold or windy day in public.

Glynda drifted round the house mentally rearranging furniture, changing curtains, and just enjoying being away from her shared apartment where her room had been designed as a walk in closet with no windows.  She looked out of the window at the birds twittering in the trees and on the bird feeder.  She felt content with the world and at home.  She looked round the kitchen and decided on something simple for tea, baked potato.  She popped in two just in case then took herself off to sit on the sofa and listen to the first of the Trumpet Concertos CD with a cup of tea.  She'd taken her glasses off and closed her eyes with Tawny curled up on her lap when she heard footsteps at the front door.  She lifted Tawny off her lap and stood up turning towards the door.  The door opened and in walked our landlord.  She stepped forward to greet him “Hi I'm Glynda Stewart, Tracy's cat sitter for the week.  You must be her landlord.”

As she grew closer he came more into focus.  He looked so weary on an impulse she gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  “Here's my student id, Tracy and Sheila have gone off camping for midterm so asked me to cat sit whilst they were away if that's OK with you?” “Miss Stewart for a coffee anything's alright with me.” He set his bag down in the hall.  She turned and fumbled for her glasses before making her way to the kitchen.  Returning moments later with a mug of steaming coffee.  She curtsied “Shaken not stirred sir.” He drank the coffee in three gulps.  “That's better.” “Tracy mentioned she didn't think you'd be back until tomorrow.” “Well I wasn't but then I struck lucky a flight was delayed by two hours.” “Let me guess it was the one before you had planned to catch so you managed to catch it.” “Oh you've flown as well I see.” “Just once or twice,   Tawny and I were planning to have baked potatoes with corn beef and mushy peas.  There's enough for three if you care to join us.  Could you open the wine? I found a bottle of red that had an interesting looking label in the cupboard.  Should I call you landlord by the way or do you prefer something else?” “Oh I answer to Oh handsome one, my lord, or even Richard if you'd care to call me that.  I think Tracy uses Oh landlord which gets a bit wearing after a time.” “Well if I'm to call you Richard then you must call me Glynda.” “Glynda and Richard it is then.  May I offer my arm for the three steps into the dining room?” “Alas sir I fear not.  It's the kitchen maid's night off so I must do double duty and go to the kitchen first before we eat.”

“Here we are baked potato à la Glynda.” Glynda carried a tray with three plates, two large with a large baked potato covered with grated cheese, a chunk of corn beef on one and slices on the other, with mushy peas by the side and one smaller one that had a slice of corn beef with grated cheese on top especially for Tawny.  “Hey this is good.” “What else did you expect?” “I never really know these days.  I suppose I thought I was getting one student to look after Tawny when I was away but I seem to have three these days.  You don't think she's going to bring any more back do you?” “No I don't think so and I'm only here for the week they are away.” “No chance you'd like to stay?” “Well how much rent would it cost me?” “The occasional home cooked meal?” He asked hopefully.  “We'll see.”

They finished their meal and Glynda made coffee.  “I was looking through your book shelves and I noticed some Dr. Who DVDs do you mind if I put one on?” “The English sci-fi panto? But that's really low budget children's television.” “I know but fun though.  Want to watch it with me in case I get scared? I used to watch it crouched behind the settee in case the monsters got me when I was young.” “But you're much older now so know that the monsters can't reach out and grab you.” “Perhaps.” They settled down to watch the first DVD.

“I'm not sure about that one.  Looks like a giant squid.” She said “Have you seen at the tentacles on it?” She moved a bit closer to him and he put his arm around her to reassure her.  “Nonsense K9 will save the Doctor.” “Oh his funny little mechanical dog.  I like K9.  You know it is panto really when you look at it I hadn't thought of it that way before.” She buried her head in his shoulder when the scary bits arrived and they laughed together at the corny jokes.  Richard went off and came back with the rest of the bottle of red wine, which they sat and drank together slowly.  Then it was time for bed.  She'd made the bed up in the spare room.  As she got undressed and dressed in her simple cotton nightdress she thought about the evening.  She'd rather enjoyed the experience of being snuggled up to him she realized.  Based on what Tracy had told her she'd always pictured Tracy's landlord as being an elderly authoritative man not the charming gentleman who had appreciated both her looks and her simple cooking this evening.  She looked at the cold sheets.  A good girl wouldn't go sneaking into her landlord's bed and say she was frightened after seeing the scary monsters now would she? Was she a good girl? Well she wouldn't be if she did and Sheila always said you had to experience things to know if they were any good or not.

She tiptoed onto the landing.  The light in the master bedroom went out.  She slid through the open door and slid into bed besides him.  “Hello what are you doing here?” “Hiding in case the monster comes to get me.” “Come and put your head on my shoulder.  Feel safer now?” She did she nodded, closed her eyes and fell fast asleep.

Next morning she felt her pillow move.  Odd pillows don't usually move she thought.  She peeped, opened her eyes and then remembered.  “Oh you poor man.  I haven't been asleep on your shoulder all night have I? Let me give it a gentle rub for you to get the circulation back.  Is that better?  Did you sleep well?” “Yes thank you I slept very well.  I think you'd better stop rubbing my neck and shoulder, I'm not a complete saint you know.” “Oh I am glad.  You mean if I just run my hand over your testicles like this you won't be able to ignore me?” “Glynda.” “But all I'm doing is just rubbing my leg up between yours.” “Glynda!” “Your back or mine?” “Wretch!” “Best keep your back flat on the bed then you old folk have to look after your backs.” She lowered herself onto him and then leaned forward hugging him tight.  Afterwards she raised herself on her elbow.  “You know my week here would be much nicer with someone like you to share it with me.  When did you last have a holiday?”

Thank God we were back.  Too much fresh air I'd decided was a bad thing.  No phone, no tele, no central heating, no air conditioning, heating tinned stew up over a small gas stove sucked as far as I was concerned.  Who would have thought that there weren't any Pizza or Chinese delivery services in the country? Or that McDonald’s would run out of chicken burgers? Home at last.  I opened the front door and Sheila and I walked in.  There was a girl who looked like she owned the place dressed in a flimsy sheer black nylon baby doll who was carrying two mugs of coffee towards the stairs.  “Hi guys have a good trip?” “Glynda, is that you? I didn't recognize you at first.” “It's probably seeing me with my hair down and the contact lenses, let me take Richard his coffee then I'll come down and you can tell me how you got on camping.” Glynda dressed like that with a guy upstairs, oh well as long as our landlord didn't find out we were probably OK.  I wondered where she'd met her Richard.

Glynda glanced out of the window, there seemed to be more cars and vans on the street than she remember seeing normally and did telephone repairmen start work at this hour of the morning? Oh well Richard was due back in a few minutes after catching the red eye.  She got dressed in jeans and tee shirt made a pot of coffee and took two mugs into Sheila and Rebecca.  She didn't bother speaking to them they never seemed very chatty first thing in the morning.  Then she went down and sorted out some breakfast for Tawny and herself.  She thought Tawny agreed with her of the importance of breakfast to start the day off right.  She gathered up her backpack and called to the others upstairs “Seven minutes to the bus guys.” She heard the front door opening and her Richard came in looking sleepy, so she gave him a hug and a kiss.  “Hi darling pass me your bag and grab some coffee there still some in the pot in the kitchen.” She thought it was time he gave up all this travelling he did, she was sure it wasn't good for him, perhaps she'd talk to him about it in the evening.

I hate mornings; I'm really not a morning person.  Sheila isn't really either.  We sort of stay in bed until the last second then dash downstairs for the bus.  Sheila’s worked out how to lay our clothes and back packs out the night before so we can be up and out in like 2 minutes.  I do my hair and put on a bit of makeup on the bus.  Sheila can't understand why, she likes me just as I am but I just feel more confident with it on I suppose.  Glynda gave us a call upstairs so it was time to move, like usually we get to the bus stop about three minutes before its due, takes me three minutes to find the fare usually.  We dashed downstairs with our bags and out the front door, I heard Glynda following us downstairs.  As we left the house a plain-clothes policeman stepped out of an unmarked van showed us a warrant card and stopped us.  “Excuse me Miss but what have you got in the bags?” “Sorry?” Could you open your bags for me Miss?” I unzipped my backpack and showed my tidy pile of books.  Sheila’s jaw had dropped open when we got stopped.  “Are you for real?” “Just let me see what you’re carrying please.” Sheila unzipped her bag and showed him the contents.  Sheila’s bag is unreal she just throws things in.  The policeman took nearly two minutes sorting through her bag.  “Now yours if you please Miss.” Glynda battered eyelashes at him.  “You don't really want to look through my dirty underwear do you?” She unzipped the top and there was a pile of dirty silk underwear.  “I feel so embarrassed I'm taking them to the dry cleaners.  If I'd known I was going to be stopped I'd have put in clean ones.  Here have a pair to examine looks like there's a bit of talcum powder on the crotch.” The policeman took the proffered garment and held it closer to his face to examine it more closely.

I couldn't resist; I sneaked out my camera and took a photograph of him with his nose nearly touching the dirty silk panties.  Then the bus came.  “Sorry guys we got to fly else we'll be late for out lectures.” “You can keep the panties to remember me by.” We picked up our bags and dashed for the bus.  “Wait I haven't finished looking.” He called out.  Glynda turned back “Come back tomorrow and we'll do it again this time we'll allow more time before the bus.  By the way my phone number's written on the washing instructions label.” Weird I mean who'd ever heard of being stopped on the street on the way to school?  When we've had a bit to drink in the evening that's one thing but not first thing in the morning.  Even weirder as the bus passed the house we saw policemen everywhere round the back and they were carrying some sort of medieval battering ram to the front door.

Glynda hadn't got her notepad with her so I gave her a couple of sheets out of mine and a book to write on.  Odd because normally she's so organized it’s unbelievable and at lunchtime she wandered off saying she had an errand to run.  When we got back that night our landlord was waiting.  “You wouldn't have any idea how my flight bag came to be full of dirty washing would you?” I shook my head, Sheila did as well.  Glynda replied “Oh did I put my washing in the wrong place?” “What happened to the contents?” “Oh the pile of $50 bills, well I thought they'd be safer in a safety deposit box at the bank, I've got the key here somewhere.  They were so helpful when I said I had a few things to remember my grandmother by but didn't have anywhere safe to store them.  They even gave me a student discount.  I didn't do anything wrong did I? How did you get on with the police this morning by the way?” “Well I think they arrived looking for a bag full of money.  I was as shocked as they were when they didn't find any.” “I thought they might be, I never really trusted policemen so I thought it would be safer in the bank.” “How did you know they were coming?” “Oh I worked in the licensing department last year.  All municipal vehicles and police cars are given one of a consecutive range of numbers to help simplify the life of their administration.  So know one and you practically know them all.  Anyway to come back to more practical matters let's discuss your retirement.” “My retirement?” “Well yes, if you agree to retire you get the key if not I suppose I could pop into the police station with some lost property.  Now if you're sensible and marry the most important witness and retire I'm sure we'll all live happily ever after.”

They did, weird.