Title: Tales from an Unknown Corner
Chapters: 11-12 (of 20)
Author: Dai_wakizashi
Universe: Tfauc
Summary:  Journey of a troubled young man looking for a path and 
people around him, who, at times, give shape to his journey.
Codes: MF, FF, MFF, oral, anal, toys, petting, romance, drama
Status: in progress
Revision: 2.0

Web Sites:
  ASSTR-  http://www.asstr.org/~dai_wakizashi/
  SOL-        http://storiesonline.net/home.php
  EWP-       http://www.ewpub.org/ewpub.html

Discussion Forum:
   http://www.ewpub.org/messageboard/viewforum.php?f=76

*****************************************************************




              TALES FROM AN UNKNOWN CORNER  [Tfauc]



CHAPTER - 11: The 'Void'



Next morning, I woke up early. After lazing in the bed for a few 
minutes, I got out. It was too early for Kathy to wake up, so 
putting on some sweats I went out for a short jog.

The air outside was chilly. Not to risk a cramp I started to walk 
at a brisk pace in the direction of a playground not far from her 
place. Half-way, I switched to a jog. To tell the truth I never 
enjoyed jogging much, except when I was at a beach. There, the 
early morning or late afternoon jogs had always been nice. In the 
city, I didn't feel like jogging or running, even when I could 
find a park or a green spot. It just wasn't the same. However, I 
could spend hours walking from block to block, visiting shops; 
mostly the bookstores and electronics shops. When Kathy tagged 
along, she had trouble keeping up with my pace, especially when I 
was window-shopping for electronics. In many ways we were alike, 
except in our choices. She would spend hours in a department 
store and I would be in a bookstore, browsing through their 
selections, eventually ending up with an armload of books to take 
with me on my trips. Sometimes, when I had the patience, I would 
accompany her to department stores. However, I usually had a 
magazine or book to while away the time, as Kathy tried on 
clothes. She liked to read as well, whenever she had time from 
her studies or during her long shifts in the hospital, but her 
literary taste was mostly dictated by my choices. At the end of 
my vacation, she ended up with most of the books I'd bought. She 
didn't mind reading my choices in sci-fic, thriller, or horror 
genres. In fact, she developed a liking for Robert Ludlum, 
Stephen King, Wilbur Smith, Asimov, Clarke, and a few others.

It didn't take long to reach the playground. At this early hour 
it was deserted, although in an hour it would get crowded, when 
the parents and school buses brought the kids to the school a few 
hundred yards away. At lunch hour, this place would be bustling 
with kids, a few of the teachers keeping an eye on them. I 
decided to take advantage of the early hour, and do my Tai Chi 
practice. When I finished, I sat on one of the benches, enjoying 
the crisp morning air. As usual, I was feeling at peace after my 
exercise. It had been a while since my last practice--the last 
two weeks at the rig had been busy and I hadn't had the time--and 
now, I realized how much I missed and needed the exercise.

In the quiet solitude of the empty playground, I found my mind 
wandering; the fragments from early years drifting in and out, 
reminding me my study and practice of various martial arts, but 
especially Tai Chi. Slowly, my thoughts started to converge, 
following an ever narrowing spiral track, like the circular, 
fluid moves I had performed a short while ago...



. . . . .



Tai Chi was the first martial art I had learned, and the one that 
I enjoyed the most. From outside it almost looked like an exotic 
form of ballet. I guess that was one part I liked about it; the 
calm and peace I found in the deliberate, studied slowness of 
each move, each stance, and the eerie grace and the fluidity that 
were present as I went through the forms. This was the only 
martial art where I could feel the chi, the inner energy my 
sensei always talked about. I had never advanced to the higher 
levels with some of the martial arts I took up, but Tai Chi 
offered me more than the others. What's more, the experience with 
Tai Chi came in handy when I practiced the other martial arts. 
Although it looked like a ballet performed in a slow motion 
replay fashion, Tai Chi was a serious martial art and it could be 
put to use with astonishing results, when performed at high 
speed.

The next martial art my sensei taught me was Aikido. No surprises 
there. It was another defensive martial art. Although the two had 
very little in common, (in fact their origins were as far apart 
as they could be, one being Chinese and the other being 
Japanese), somehow, I made the transition to Aikido much easier 
and faster then I expected. Despite the differences in their 
origins and the forms, they complemented each other. I found 
myself using the circular, fluid motions of Tai Chi, in 
combination with the grips and locks of Aikido, changing from one 
form to the other instinctively.

Once, I had my sensei on the tatami mats during practice, the 
first time ever, and we had a short discussion about it. I was 
elated to be able to beat him, but was also curious whether that 
had been a fluke or a lucky break. He had explained that I had 
been _in the moment_ and in harmony with my opponent. He went 
further to explain that in combat or a fight, there was rarely 
any harmony to be found and the outcome was mostly determined by 
the skill levels and the readiness of the spirit, the mental 
attitude. I had the skills, but I had to learn about the timing 
and _being in the moment_; the spiritual and mental preparation.

Thus, began a new journey, one that was filled with frustration. 
On rare occasions, it filled me with dread and fright. He started 
me on Kenjutsu, the art of the sword. It was, for the most part, 
repetitive and boring; practicing the cuts with the bokken 
countless times, until my muscles memorized each move and they 
became second nature. Then, we started on the meditative forms, 
while my practices with the bokken concentrated on timing. I 
didn't enjoy Kenjutsu as much as Tai Chi or even Aikido. It took 
me a long while to make progress, although Tai Chi helped, to a 
degree, with the meditative forms and spiritual preparation. 
Later, we moved on to the opening stances, and katas, and how to 
move from one cut to the other, as I did with Tai Chi. But, I was 
far from being able to improvise as I had with Tai Chi and 
Aikido, mixing and matching moves, grips, and locks. I had, 
however, learned about timing, and was making progress in _being 
in the moment_.

I studied the spiritual preparation and mental attitude. I was 
still concerned about winning, as anybody would be in any kind of 
competitive sport, but Kenjutsu required a completely different 
set of mental attitudes. I knew (and learned) about clearing my 
mind, and controlling my emotions like anger, and even fear. But, 
Kenjutsu required me to delve deeper, where it led me to... the 
_Void_. A place where there was no emotion... no thought... just 
emptiness. It had been a scary experience, filling me with 
unease. It had felt alien, dark and foreboding.

Although my sensei felt my unease and reluctance, he urged me to 
explore it. We had long discussions about the Void, and about my 
reluctance. He managed to convince me that my notions of light 
and dark, good and evil were what kept me from exploring the 
darkness and the emptiness I had discovered in the Void. One day, 
instead of Kenjutsu practice, he asked me to perform my Tai Chi 
exercises. Once I completed my practice, he asked me to repeat 
them, but also to seek the Void during the exercise.

It was a different experience and a new discovery. He joined in, 
and we moved into combat Tai Chi, once again switching back and 
forth between styles, from Tai Chi to Aikido--the higher levels 
of Aikido that could be used to attack instead of defense only. 
And, I was in the Void, in that dark, swirling mess; no emotions, 
no thought, my senses awake as if I had a third eye that I could 
look at the world. At the end of the practice, he prepared tea, 
letting us wind down, and we discussed what I experienced.

"So, Mitchell, what did you think about today's exercise?"

"It was different. The emptiness... the darkness wasn't what I 
thought or felt it would be. I'm confused. Why did it seem 
foreboding when I tried it with Kenjutsu?"

"It was my mistake, Mitchell. I apologize. Kenjutsu is still a 
combat art, although its teachings are peaceful. They should be 
used to attain calm and peace. I had forgotten your upbringing. 
You are still, very much a Westerner in upbringing, and have 
different notions about life and death, good and evil, light and 
dark."

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand, Sensei."

"Mitchell, when you take the sword in hand, the katana or the 
bokken, you are automatically associating it with life and death, 
even if it is for practice or for competition like Kendo. At the 
best, during competition, you are still concerned about winning 
or losing. You can control your fear, and empty your mind to some 
degree, but, you were never able to let go, and free yourself. 
You've learned about controlling your emotions, emptying your 
mind, but there is a deeper level... the Void. You never really 
reached that state in Kenjutsu, and that is why you had, you have 
difficulty."

"What about Tai Chi and what happened now?"

"Ahh. That is the crux of what I was trying to teach you. You 
have the answer yourself," he replied.

I pondered his cryptic words; what he said about Kenjutsu and how 
I felt about it compared to Tai Chi.

"Tai Chi is a solo martial art, and defensive, and I find it easy 
to attain calm and peace," I said.

"Precisely. You don't concern yourself about winning, and you 
don't associate it automatically with life and death. Even 
though, you know it can be used for combat, and very effectively 
so."

"So, I managed to sink in the Void, without preconceptions. The 
darkness in there is... part of the light... Yin and Yang?"

He nodded, then asked, "What did you find in the darkness, 
Mitchell?"

"Emptiness..."

When I didn't continue, he prompted, "And?"

"Purity and clarity," I replied, still contemplative, and trying 
to put into words my experience.

He raised an eyebrow, his black eyes urging me to continue.

"It was as if I was seeing the first time... if seeing is the 
right word?"

A small smile formed on his usually expressionless face. "Good. 
You've been a gifted student, Mitchell," he said, then paused to 
consider his next words. "I have to say, however, that you might 
not progress further. Does that bother you?"

"Why do you say that, Sensei?"

"You will not take Kenjutsu as a martial art, and continue to 
study it further, will you?"

I thought about my answer. I wanted to learn more, but I knew my 
heart wasn't in it, not as much as in Tai Chi. I was happy to 
keep learning more if I could, and practice what I had learned, 
but I didn't have the time to devote to further my studies.

"It would require more time than I could devote to it. I've 
started very late."

"Yes. That is so. I'm glad you recognize your limits. But, you'll 
keep at it, as time permits, and practice what you've learned?" 
he asked.

"Yes, Sensei."

"I have to warn you, Mitchell. That might prove to be extremely 
frustrating. You want to learn new things, and enjoy making 
progress, however little progress it might be. You have the 
patience for it, but Kenjutsu is an art that is difficult to 
master, requires a lot of time. I think you'll find that the 
little progresses become unsatisfactory after a while. You have a 
hunger for more. On the other hand, Tai Chi and Aikido will 
reward you well. I think you will find a lifetime of joy in 
them."

"Yes, Sensei. I understand. But, knowing all that, why did you 
start me in Kenjutsu?"

"It served its purpose. You had moved along faster than I 
expected. That day, when you beat me to the mat, mixing Tai Chi 
with Aikido, I realized I needed to introduce you to the Void. 
You needed to learn about timing and being in the moment. You had 
learned them partially, with Tai Chi and Aikido. You could center 
yourself, and feel the chi, but timing and being in the moment 
are basic and essential to Kenjutsu. More than that, the cut of 
the Katana requires a purity and clarity of spirit. You needed to 
learn about _no mind_, and the purity and clarity of spirit. I 
wasn't sure if I could teach you without Kenjutsu. And I wanted 
to see how far you'd progress in Kenjutsu."

"There is," I paused, "more than that..."

His dark eyes glittered for a moment at my comment, as if pleased 
at something.

"Yes, there is, Mitchell. You needed to be exposed to martial 
arts that have uses in combat, that are not purely defensive. 
Combat Tai Chi is a very effective martial art, as the later 
lessons you've learned in Aikido. But, they are, in essence, more 
suited for defense, rather than combat. You know you're good, but 
there are a lot of people who study martial arts. Somebody who is 
very much proficient in one of the martial arts, like Karate, 
could take you down. You needed an edge. You can hold your own 
against many, and with the Void, you have an edge, unless you 
encounter another who knows about the Void. Master of one Art is 
master of nothing. You remember that, don't you? I also know, 
you'll use your knowledge for self improvement. Otherwise I 
wouldn't have taught you, Mitchell."

I bowed, and said, "Thank you, Sensei."

He returned it with a short bow, and replied, "Thank you, 
Mitchell. It's been a rare privilege to teach you."

We drank our tea in silence for long minutes. Seeing me deep in 
thought, he said, "Mitchell, this is not _goodbye_. My door is 
open anytime. I know you want to continue your studies and I'll 
be glad to help. You still need to practice more to be 
comfortable with what you have learned today, and I would like to 
see you practice Kenjutsu at the level you can."

"Yes, Sensei. I wish to continue. Thank you for your kind offer."

"Mitchell, that's the least I can do. But always remember, and 
recognize your limits. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I thought about his question. I wasn't scared of what I had found 
in the Void, not anymore, but, I wasn't sure if I would seek it, 
even in Tai Chi. I knew I had to seek it in Kenjutsu, to make 
progress, but I had more trouble with Kenjutsu. When I explained 
my thoughts, Sensei nodded his agreement.

"Yes, Mitchell. I was expecting that, and that's why I had to 
warn you about frustration. You may not feel comfortable to seek 
the Void, even when practicing Tai Chi, but know that it's there, 
when you need it. Tell me Mitchell, is it because you think its 
purity and clarity is almost absolute that you're concerned 
you'll be corrupted by it?"

"Yes, Sensei. Or the temptation to use it might become 
irresistible."

"I understand, Mitchell. Remember that it's a mental technique, a 
discipline, like centering yourself, but it is beyond the other 
techniques. That is the only difference. You don't need to use it 
or continue practicing that, if you feel uncomfortable. As I 
said, it will give you an edge, when you need it. You know about 
timing, and you know how to be in the moment. Those are all you 
need. You should by now, know that your awareness is on a 
different level. You have come a long way, Mitchell. And, that 
makes me happy."

_I guess, I did... from that little scared and hurt boy to a 
confident and calm teenager._



. . . . .



I was nine years old, when I had seen him practicing the strange 
_thing_ in the ballpark. It was late afternoon, all the kids had 
left the school several hours ago, and I was still carrying the 
bruises of my last encounter with one of the school bullies. The 
physical hurt wasn't that bad. Once I got over the initial pain 
of a punch or two, they were reduced to an uncomfortable 
throbbing. And, the burning anger helped reduce the hurt to the 
point where I didn't feel much of the pain. I was sick and tired 
of feeling helpless, but as a nine year old, without many 
physical attributes, I didn't stand a chance against some of the 
more developed or older kids. After a few brawls, I wasn't even 
scared. I just wanted to pay back, for once, for the humiliation 
of losing the fights, not for the physical hurt.

Seeing this strange guy go through some complex sequence of moves 
with eerie slowness, I headed for one of the benches to watch 
what he was doing. I had no idea what it was he was doing, but 
after a while, just watching him, I forgot all my worries and 
hurt. I felt a calm that I hadn't felt for a long time. After he 
finished, he walked to me, and sat down on the same bench, and we 
talked. I was interested in knowing what he was doing, and he was 
concerned about how I looked. Once I learned what a martial art 
was and what he was practicing, my first question had been, if he 
knew Karate. When he replied he did, my second question had been 
if he would teach me, which he refused. However, he offered to 
teach me Tai Chi, what I had seen him practicing. When I didn't 
show an interest, he told me it would help more than Karate 
would. I couldn't see how Tai Chi would help, and he asked me 
what I had to lose by giving it a try. To make it more 
interesting, he suggested that after a year of Tai Chi practice, 
he would reconsider my request about Karate. He asked me if I 
understood what he was proposing. When I replied that he wasn't 
making a promise, but I might get a chance to learn Karate after 
a year, he smiled.

One year seemed so long, almost like an eternity--well, what nine 
year old wouldn't think one year was an eternity?--but in the 
end, there was the possibility of learning Karate. And, I didn't 
have anything to lose; it was going to take time. He wanted to 
take me home and talk with my parents, but I told him he could 
forget our deal. This was between him and me. In the end, he 
promised that he wouldn't talk about my problems with other kids. 
He would tell my parents that we had met in the ballpark, and I 
was interested in learning and he was interested in teaching me.

That was the beginning of a journey of self discovery. I put all 
my energy to learning Tai Chi, and at times Sensei had to slow me 
down, without curbing my enthusiasm. Initially, all I could think 
of was the next year. After the first three months, he lectured 
me about right and wrong attitudes, and warned me about my 
reasons for following the training. Of course, he knew I wanted 
to pay back the bullies that tormented me. When I didn't get what 
he was trying to tell me, he asked if I liked any animals. I 
always liked dogs as pets, although I had never had one as a pet. 
One day, he took me to a center where they kept stray dogs. I saw 
dogs being trained for later sale to families, and a few that 
actually got sold that day. Then he showed me some of the dogs 
that were aggressive, almost wild. He explained that those dogs 
were dangerous and un-trainable. When I asked what happened with 
them, he told me they were put to sleep.

I was young, but I understood the dogs were being killed. Then he 
took me to a room where they put the dogs to sleep. There was a 
wild dog struggling, trying to bite the guys holding it, while a 
doctor (veterinarian) was preparing a syringe for injecting the 
animal. Sensei asked me to touch the dog, and feel his heartbeat, 
after which he took me out of the room. A few minutes later we 
entered the room again and the dog was lying motionless on the 
table. When I touched the animal, I couldn't feel the heartbeat. 
That room left me uneasy.

When we were back at Sensei's house, he prepared tea, and we 
talked about what I had seen. He took his time to draw the 
parallels between the wild dogs, the bullies at school, and my 
anger, and what I could do. He explained how the other dogs that 
were sold (after being trained) made their owners and their kids 
happy. Finally, I began to understand what he was trying to tell 
me. He took me to a training room, and got me to expel all my 
frustration and anger on a punch bag. Once I was out of breath 
and tired, we took a break, while he explained the calm and peace 
I could find in Tai Chi. After that, he started doing the 
exercises, letting me watch, and I remembered the first day I had 
seen him practice, and the calm I had felt. When he finished, he 
asked me to join in, and that was a new experience, and a new 
start.

My studies took me several months, but the anger was still there 
at times, especially when I couldn't avoid an encounter with the 
bullies. My sensei was teaching me how Tai Chi could be used for 
defense, and one day, during an encounter with one of the 
bullies, I used my newly acquired knowledge, effectively. Once I 
had him on the ground, my anger took over, and I kicked him; my 
humiliation of all the brawls and teasing I had endured taking 
over me, and finding an outlet. After that point, I wasn't using 
my knowledge, but was yelling, and shouting and threatening him, 
while I sat on his chest and kept on punching him. He was trying 
to protect himself from my wild attack. When I expelled all my 
anger, I stood up, while he laid there cowering. Luckily I didn't 
hurt him badly, but I realized I had been like a rabid dog, 
viciously attacking. I remembered my visit to the dog center, and 
what Sensei and I had talked about after that visit. I needed to 
see and tell him about what I had done. I dreaded telling him 
about the incident, but I didn't know who else I could talk to 
about what I had done.

One look at me and he knew what I had done. His eyes darkened, as 
he gave me a sad look. He prepared tea, and I told him about the 
incident.

"Why did you tell me what you did, Mitchell?"

"I don't know who else I can talk to. I need help. I don't want 
to be a rabid dog."

"So you remember your visit to the dog center?"

I nodded.

"Did you enjoy hurting him?"

"I don't know... I think I did. I was angry. He hurt me many 
times."

"So you think he deserved it?"

"I-I... Didn't he? He hurt me many times before today."

"Yes, he did hurt you. Tell me. If he tries to hurt you again, 
what will you do?"

"I don't think he'll try again."

"Probably. But let's assume he came after you... what will you 
do?"

"I will fight, but... I don't want to hurt him... Like I did 
today."

"Why is that, Mitchell? He still wants to hurt you."

"He may want to, but he can't. Not anymore. I won't allow that."

"You don't want revenge? You don't want to punish him?"

"It's not right. He was bigger than me and he beat me. I didn't 
like being hurt. Today I beat him, and I know he didn't like it. 
I'm not him. I didn't want the fight. He's like a rabid dog, but 
I don't want to be a rabid dog. Today, I became a rabid dog."

"Yes, you did. For a while. Let's get back to him; he's a rabid 
dog. Don't you want him put to sleep?"

"He's not a dog. He's a kid."

"Assume he's an animal, Mitchell. Just a rabid dog. Wouldn't you 
put the rabid dog to sleep?"

"I rather have the dog in a cage, where he can't hurt anybody. I 
didn't like what they did in the center."

He was quiet for a long time, and kept his gaze locked on me, as 
he seemed to mull something in his mind. Then he resumed his 
questions.

"Let's assume you're on the street, and there is a rabid dog. You 
have a stick. The dog chases you. What would you do?"

I thought about his question, given the new scenario, wondering 
about what I could do in such a situation.

"I don't know, Sensei."

"You don't know?"

"I can run away, or use the stick to keep him away."

"Yes. Interesting choices, aren't they?"

"Which one is the right choice, Sensei?"

"Sometimes, there are no right answers. Can you see that, 
Mitchell?"

"I'm not sure I understand, Sensei. How can there be no right 
answers?"

"Think about your options, Mitchell. Think about why you would 
choose one over the other."

"If I run away, and the dog can't catch me, I'm not in danger. If 
I can't run away, I have to use the stick. That's what I did with 
him most of the time, if I could; run away. When he caught me, he 
used to beat me. Now, I could face him, if I have to."

"Yes, Mitchell. There is one point you have to remember. Even 
when you use the stick, you could still get hurt, while trying to 
keep the dog away. In any confrontation that is a possibility. 
Avoiding confrontation is better. Most of the time. There are 
times, however, when confrontation is inevitable. Even then, one 
must do anything in his power to avoid confrontation. But, once 
you are into a confrontation, then you do what you can and need 
to do to survive. That is a survival trait each of us carry with 
us. Martial arts give you tools. They teach you how to survive, 
and a discipline to use those tools. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"Good. The arts also teach how to avoid confrontation. We haven't 
touched them yet, but we will. It helps you to deal with 
confrontation, and combat. Mitchell, this is very important. You 
have learned some skills. When you used them, you had beaten a 
kid that was bigger and older than you. They gave you an 
advantage over his size and age. But, there's a responsibility 
that comes with this knowledge. You cannot use the tools 
indiscriminately. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Sensei. It is like.. when he used his age and size to beat 
me. He used it for no reason at all."

"Very good, Mitchell. And you understand that's what made him a 
rabid dog, and what will make you a rabid dog! Without the 
discipline, it's easy to use those tools indiscriminately. There 
will be times, the temptation will be very strong. Do you 
understand temptation, Mitchell?"

"I'm not sure, Sensei."

"Let's say you're in a candy store. The owner is at the back, and 
there's nobody around. You see your favorite candy in the jar. 
You want the candy, but you don't have money. Since there's 
nobody around, you can take the candy and leave the store. Nobody 
will know it. Would you?"

"But that's stealing. It's wrong."

"Yes, it is. But you want the candy, Mitchell. It's your favorite 
candy, and you want it. Nobody will know if you take a few 
pieces."

"Yes, but... it's still wrong."

"Yes, it is, Mitchell. Wanting that candy is not wrong, but 
acting on that want, and stealing is wrong. That want will tempt 
you to steal it."

"Yes, I understand, Sensei."

"Mitchell, we are talking about stealing candy that you want, but 
there are many things in life that you will want. As you grow up, 
your wants will be different. There will be many different 
temptations. One of them will be the temptation to fight somebody 
you dislike or somebody that is trying to hurt you. The more 
skills you learn, the better you'll be able to beat your 
opponent, so you might be tempted to beat a person to settle an 
argument, rather than find another solution. Want, jealousy, 
anger, fear, and many other feelings will confuse you, cloud your 
judgment, and lead you into temptation. You might want to have 
your own way, take what you want, overcome obstacles in your way, 
using these tools, especially if you don't think about right or 
wrong. Sometimes, things are not as simple as in the candy 
example--you knew stealing is wrong. And, there will be times, 
you might be confused about what is right or wrong, or have no 
clear answers to those questions. Do you understand?

"Yes. Sensei, I know stealing is wrong, but how do I deal with 
other situations? You tell me I will be confused by many things."

"Martial arts will teach you discipline, and will give you the 
tools to make you think clearly, to overcome the confusion. You 
enjoy doing your Tai Chi exercises, don't you? You feel calm and 
at peace when you're doing your exercises and you enjoy that 
feeling. In time you will learn to control your anger and other 
feelings, so that you don't get confused. It will take time and 
practice, but you already know that by now. Tell me, Mitchell. Do 
you still want to learn Karate?"

"I wanted to learn Karate, because I thought I could use it to 
beat him," I confessed, feeling apprehensive, but he nodded me to 
continue. "But I already beat him with Tai Chi. I don't know if I 
need to learn Karate. I know I enjoy Tai Chi, _very much_."

"I know that you started to enjoy Tai Chi, as I hoped you would. 
Do you want to continue Tai Chi, because you've seen what it can 
do?"

"Yes... but... I want to learn what you told me about. I don't 
want to be a rabid dog. I think, when the time comes, I can learn 
Karate the way I'm learning about Tai Chi."

"Yes, Mitchell. There are many forms of martial arts. We will 
examine them in time. I want you to remember this conversation 
and what you learned from today's incident. That will help along 
the way to deal with temptation, and help you understand the 
essence of martial arts and its teachings. Remember that there 
are right ways and wrong ways of doing things. Remember also you 
have options. Look for them, and you'll find them. In time, 
you'll come to see options, possibilities where there were none 
before. Martial arts are a lifelong study and a continuous 
learning experience, Mitchell. Never forget that."



* * * * *



As I was walking back home, my mind was still busy with the past, 
memories of Sensei and my studies. It had been quite a few years 
since I had thought about Sensei. I had kept up with Kenjutsu for 
some time under Sensei's tutelage, but eventually, decided to 
stop. I had experimented with the Void, but had been reluctant to 
seek it, even when practicing Tai Chi. I had known all along my 
heart hadn't been in Kenjutsu. My sensei had been right to warn 
me.

Thinking back over the last several years, I could also see I had 
thrown aside some of the teachings. I should have realized long 
ago that I was too lost in my heart-breaking love for her. The 
emptiness she left had scared me, because it had seemed too much 
like the emptiness in the Void. They were very different but, 
lost in my pain and hurt, I had been confused, and had turned my 
back on most of my training. Almost to the point of rejecting 
some of the teachings.

I wasn't sure, yet, but I suspected now that I had perhaps blamed 
my failure on my training, and blamed myself for being a complete 
failure, when the training didn't help me deal with my lost love. 
The anger I had directed at myself, the anger I had used to fill-
up the emptiness inside (which was still there) may have had 
sprung from disappointment with my failed attempts to cope with 
the emptiness, and resentment at my training when I had not been 
able to find any answers. But, failure was always a possibility. 
Martial arts don't give you all the answers. Sometimes there are 
no answers.

I should have known better. I needed to look into these questions 
and find the answers. Yet, for some reason, I dreaded seeking the 
answers. Was it because I was scared to find out how far from the 
path I had fallen? I shook my head to clear the dark thoughts. 
But of course, that didn't help. I decided to take my time and 
attack the questions with patience. This could not be rushed. 
Once I had some answers, perhaps I would be able to deal with 
her, Dana, my family and my friends. A year ago, unknowingly, 
Pops had given me a partial key, but I had not been able to use 
what he had given me to full effect. Now, Dana had helped with 
her love. She didn't know it, even I hadn't known it at the time, 
but her love had been a catalyst. I could see that, now. My 
subconscious had probably recognized it before I had. Perhaps, 
that's why I had felt such a bond with Dana. Were my feelings for 
her based on gratitude or was it love?

I thought about my feelings, and every time I came up with the 
same answer. I loved her. There was no question about it. There 
was gratitude, but my love for Dana was beyond that gratitude. 
Was I in love with her? I couldn't say. I needed more time to dig 
into that question and understand my feelings. I probably had to 
complete my own personal journey first, before I could commit 
myself to anybody. Whenever I did commit, I wanted to give my 
very best, but I wasn't at my best yet. Now, I could see that. It 
had been at the back of my mind, but now, it was obvious. Was 
this another reason why I had not wanted to be around people who 
loved me, family and friends? Perhaps.

I needed to know how far I had strayed from my path, my course, 
before I could complete my journey. What's more, I had to find 
out what journey I was going to take and if it was the right 
journey, for the right reasons. It looked like a very complex, 
almost an insurmountable task and for a moment I panicked, before 
forcefully reminding myself, every journey started with a simple, 
single step, and built upon similar steps along the way. Hadn't I 
started with Tai Chi in the same way, without knowing what I was 
getting myself into, except wanting to get the chance to learn 
something else, and for all the wrong reasons?



* * * * *



CHAPTER - 12: Sisters Know Best!



Back at Kathy's place, I put the coffee on and hit the shower. 
Dressing up, I went to the kitchen and found Kathy, dressed in 
her peignoir, with a cup of coffee. From the looks of her 
disheveled chestnut hair, I realized she must have gotten out of 
bed a short while ago. Filling a cup for myself, I joined her in 
the living room.

"Morning, Sis."

With still sleepy eyes, she regarded me, before responding with a 
soft voice. "Morning. You were out?"

"Yeah. Jogging. Say, how important is the breakfast with Mom and 
Dad, this morning?"

"Your car is there, so I thought we would have breakfast with 
them, before you picked up your car."

"Do they know what you were planning?"

"Nope. We need to be there early this afternoon for tea, and for 
dinner. That was the original plan. What's up, Mitch?"

"Nothing, Kathy. Slight change of plans. Let's have breakfast 
here. The car can wait."

She perked up at the change of plans, but instead of coming up 
with questions, she decided to see what I was planning. I could 
tell she was excited, but trying to keep it under control. Giving 
her a kiss, I took her cup, which was still half full, and said, 
"Get your cute butt in the shower. In the meantime, I'll get the 
breakfast ready. Time's a wastin'."

While her mouth was hanging open at the sudden turn of events, I 
walked to the little kitchen and started rummaging in the fridge 
to see what she had. Seeing she was still sitting there, I said, 
"Come on, Kathy. I know you like your eggs warm. Get movin'."

Without a word, she left the living room, while I got busy 
setting the table and preparing the breakfast. I started a fresh 
batch of coffee, while waiting for the toast, then started on 
bacon and eggs. By the time she was back from her shower, dressed 
in jeans and a sweater, I was putting the bacon, eggs and toast 
on the plates. Like me, she had an appetite, and enjoyed a good 
breakfast. Sometimes, she had to be careful, as she had a 
tendency to put on a few pounds, especially when her studies took 
so much time that she didn't exercise. But, she didn't shy away 
from eating like some girls I had known. After we finished, I 
collected the plates and placed them in the sink. Filling up our 
cups, I picked up an ashtray and settled in the chair, lighting a 
cigarette. I could see she was getting impatient.

"You're wondering what's up?" I stated the obvious.

"That's an interesting way to put it. What's with all the cloak 
and dagger, Bro?"

Despite her words, and cool exterior, her brown eyes were alight 
with curiosity, barely hiding her excitement. I smiled inwardly, 
watching her trying to keep her excitement under control. I 
couldn't help but wonder how formidable an adversary she would 
make if she had learned how to control her emotions. Still, she 
was more than I could handle at times. From a very early age, she 
had been a precocious child; her sharp mind surprising me at the 
most inopportune moments. As I thought about that, I was startled 
by another discovery. She hardly hid her emotions, but especially 
her love and affection towards the people she loved, and that 
included me. Even when we were engaged in a battle of wits, she 
didn't try too hard to hide her love. On the other hand, I would 
try to keep a poker face, not to give away what I was up to; 
sometimes resorting to the use of any and all tools in my 
arsenal. After the training I had embarked upon so long ago, 
controlling my emotions had become something of a second nature. 
Still, she managed to break through my cool exterior, quite 
often, and I had let her, especially when the battle was about 
trivial issues. But, over the last several years, I had erected 
better defenses when she tried to probe me about my life and the 
past; I just wasn't ready to talk about certain subjects.

With those thoughts, I decided to make an effort to be more open 
with her in the coming discussion. At least, it didn't involve 
anything related to that summer, and I relaxed more. With a 
reassuring smile, I said, "No cloak and dagger, Kathy. If you 
don't mind, I have some questions. I would appreciate if you keep 
this talk between us."

Ignoring my words, she asked, "What's on your mind, Mitch?"

"I'm curious about something we've not talked about much."

"Like what?"

"My training. You haven't said much about it through the years, 
but at times... I had the feeling you didn't like what I was 
practicing."

She thought about her answer for quite some time. I guess the 
subject must have come as a surprise, after so long. She also 
knew I had been and still was serious about my martial arts 
training.

"Why do you ask that, Mitch?"

"We know each other well. At least, we knew each other well when 
we were young. I'm curious about why you've felt the way you did, 
you do. Am I wrong in saying you didn't like my training very 
much?"

"I never understood why you sought the training, why you felt the 
need."

"I didn't seek it. Initially, I came upon it by chance at a time 
when it looked useful. I found it helped. Later, I continued 
because I enjoyed it, and learned a lot."

"You mean the bullies at school, when you were young?"

"You knew about them?" I asked, unable to hide my surprise at her 
question.

She nodded.

"What did you know?"

"Sometimes, one of them would catch you out of the school and 
tease you, then beat you up. I know you evaded them most of the 
time, but sometimes you were beaten. Then you met that Japanese 
guy and started to train with him. I didn't know what you were 
doing, but I could see you were calmer, and not as scared. You 
were beaten a few more times until, one day, you paid one of the 
bullies back."

_Sheesh! She had never said a word._

"You knew all that, but you didn't say anything."

"I knew you felt humiliated. You would spend some time before 
coming home, so I knew you didn't want to talk. We were close, 
but this was your private war. You were stubborn and proud. I 
didn't want to lose you because of your pride. I got the feeling 
you didn't want any interference. I didn't want you to worry 
about who knew about it, like Dad, Mom or me. You had enough on 
your plate, without me or anybody piling more on top of it. You 
wanted to keep it a secret, so it stayed a secret."

"I'm sorry, Sis. It must have been hard on you."

"It wasn't as tough as trying to keep Mom and Dad from 
discovering what was going on."

"Jeeez! Sis! Why would you do that?"

"Several reasons. I was scared of losing you. I didn't want you 
to blame me for telling on you. I was also scared that you 
wouldn't be allowed to play outside. I knew you liked to do that, 
and I liked playing outside with you. You know how overprotective 
Mom was. She still is; that hasn't changed," she said with a 
strained smile.

With a laugh, I nodded. "Understatement of the year, Sis. What 
else?"

"I had seen how some of the other kids got it worse, when they 
complained about the bullies. I didn't want things to get worse 
than they were for you. If Mom got involved, she would have 
raised hell, but I didn't know if it would have solved the 
problems. It might have just made things worse, as it did for 
some of the kids. You had it easier than some others," she said, 
her eyes moist.

"Kathy, it's OK! You did the right thing. You know it was the 
right thing. Come on. We're adults now, and we know how nasty 
kids can get. You should know that."

"That doesn't make it any easier. Even after so many years."

"It's all right, Kathy. It's over. I survived. As you said, I was 
lucky."

She nodded, trying to compose herself. When she calmed down, I 
asked, "What did you know of the pay back?"

"I was really surprised when I heard about it. I couldn't believe 
you had beaten him. But, when I saw that nobody bothered you 
again, I realized it was true, after all. I was so happy; I 
wanted to jump up and down in joy. That prick got what was coming 
to him."

"And you knew that what I had learned helped?"

"Yes. But, I expected you to stop. I didn't see any reason why 
you would continue. I was also scared that you would turn into 
one of those pricks, with what you were learning."

"Why? I never sought a fight with anybody."

"I know. You were calm and controlled, but you were starting to 
change. You were reserved, and distant. You didn't make friends 
easily. You had friends, but unlike other kids, you weren't 
friends with many kids. You also started to spend more time with 
your instructor, practicing, instead of playing with other kids."

"But I spent time playing with you, or with Mom in the kitchen, 
cooking, talking."

"I know, but I didn't understand why you devoted so much time to 
your training, instead of playing with other kids, doing fun 
things."

"Did you ever think about how much I enjoyed practicing?"

"I could see that, especially with Tai Chi. You still practice 
that?"

"Yes, I do."

"A few years later, when you moved on to other training, with the 
swords--I don't know what it's called--you didn't enjoy it that 
much?"

"Kenjutsu. No, initially I didn't enjoy it. Later, I got 
something out of it, but my heart wasn't in it."

"Why did you continue, Mitch? With something you didn't enjoy?"

"It was necessary. I needed to learn about something. It served 
its purpose. But I get the feeling, you didn't like to see me 
practicing Kenjutsu. Is that right? Why were you concerned? What 
bothered you about my Kenjutsu training?"

"Initially I didn't think much about it. But when I came back--
after the first year in boarding school--and saw you practice, I 
didn't like it."

"What do you mean, Kathy?"

"I had seen you practice Tai Chi. There's a beauty, a grace in 
it. Have you ever seen yourself practice? If you have, then you 
know what I'm talking about it."

I smiled at her comment. "Kathy, I know there is beauty and grace 
in it. I've watched my sensei when he practiced, and I feel it 
when I practice. But, there's more to it than what you see from 
outside. You should realize that by now."

"Yes. I believe so. But there was none of it in your sword 
practice. Well, not always. When you did that special meditation, 
and practiced... it was... scary."

"The sword practice, with the special meditation... was scary?"

"Yes. When I asked, you explained that you were doing a special 
meditation, sinking into the depth... I didn't like that. It 
scared me."

"The Void," I corrected her. "What was the difference? What 
didn't you like, Kathy? Can you explain?"

She went quiet, thinking, trying to put what had bothered her 
into words.

"When you were practicing, it was smooth, but there were also 
flaws. I don't know much about how it should be, but I could see 
there were issues, as if something was out of place or slightly 
out of alignment. It's difficult to explain. I could see things 
that weren't as graceful as your Tai Chi performances, as if you 
were faltering. Does that make sense?"

"Sure. It was imperfect. I wasn't very good with Kenjutsu, 
although I made progress, and reached a level that I was 
comfortable with, and my sensei said as much. So?"

"That was when you were doing your normal practice. When you did 
your special meditation and started the practice... it was 
perfect, and it was scary. I was watching the same guy, but it 
wasn't the same guy. It was as if... as if there was another 
person that looked like you had taken your place. There was an 
intensity that wasn't there before. That wooden sword was like a 
big fan, sweeping the air in a blur, seeking, ready to destroy 
whatever dared to cross its path."

She finished her description, very much agitated, her last words 
almost whispered, leaving me speechless by the strength of her 
emotions. I could feel and taste her fright like a physical 
thing. I was going to respond making light of her description, 
but one look at her face was enough to convince me that would be 
a mistake. Her hands were curled in a fist, the knuckles white.

"Kathy. Please, calm down. It was just practice. An advanced form 
of exercise. Nothing more," I said softly.

"I remember you describing it as a place where no emotion or 
thought resided. Do you have any idea how that sounds?"

"I think I have an idea, Kathy. But you have to admit, you have 
no experience to compare with or judge what it is. You're using 
conventions, things you know, to make comparisons and pass 
judgment on something that doesn't fit into anything you've known 
before, or fit to any criteria that will make sense to you. 
There's nothing in your experience that will allow you to 
understand or measure what you're dealing with. It's like trying 
to describe colors to a person who was born blind, and even that 
analogy falls short of describing the situation."

She was quiet, trying to understand what I said, but the 
conventions she had known didn't allow her wrap her mind around 
it. Well, I had experimented with it, and experienced it, and put 
it aside for so many years, because... because I hadn't been sure 
how I could use it. I knew if I tried I could sink in the Void, 
and that knowledge was enough. I tried to explain again.

"Kathy, you've seen me do exercises to attain calm. That place is 
beyond that level of control. For what it's worth, I haven't 
practiced it much and put it aside some years ago."

"Why is that, Mitchell?" she asked.

She was sharp and once again her aim was true, scoring a perfect 
bull's eye.

"I guess I'm as bound and limited by conventions as you are. 
Because of my other training, I was willing to investigate it. To 
tell the truth, I was scared the first time I tried to sink in 
the Void, because I didn't understand it. The next time, I 
understood what it was and wasn't scared of it, but... well... I 
didn't see any reason to practice it more. However, it has its 
uses. I know that. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell 
you?"

"No, Mitch, I don't. I'm scared. You picked up your sword 
yesterday... and are taking it with you. Are you going to 
practice that thing again?"

Her voice was thick with emotion, and I was racking my mind to 
find a way to explain and comfort her.

"Sis, you work in Emergency and see people come in with all sorts 
of things. They are scared, because they don't know what's wrong 
with them, or they think the worst. Right?"

She nodded. She was hanging on every word, her attention focused 
on what I was trying to tell her.

"But you know more than they do. Most of the time, you know 
what's wrong with them and how it can be fixed, right?"

She nodded again.

"They might be scared, but are you?"

She shook her head no.

"Exactly. They trust you to fix their problem, because you have 
the skills, the knowledge, and experience. What's more, with 
every passing day, your skill level is increasing with your 
knowledge and understanding. In short, you're improving."

She was quiet for a while, mulling what we talked in her mind.

"OK, Mitch. I understand what you're saying. Because I don't know 
and don't understand what it is you're dealing with, I'm scared. 
How do you know what you're dealing with?"

"Ahh, Sis. You're missing one crucial thing. You have your basic 
knowledge, and on top of all that, expertise on several subjects, 
and you keep on learning. What about me? My training was the 
same. And like you, there are times when I'm not sure about 
something, so I proceed with caution, but unlike you, I'm not 
putting anybody at risk when I make a mistake. I don't even put 
myself at risk. Come on, Sis. You know me. The Control Freak!" I 
said with a smile.

That quip finally earned me a small laugh, but she was still 
apprehensive. When I looked askance, she shook her head.

I insisted. "Come on, Kathy. You were the one who wanted to talk. 
We are talking. Are you going to quit on me, now?"

"You don't want to talk about... that," she replied, pointedly.

"This is about what you said yesterday? Me, shutting people out?"

She nodded.

"And you're thinking this is a result of my training? Especially 
that particular thing I learned?"

She nodded again.

"Kathy, I'm not ready to talk about some things, yet, but I can 
tell you this much: my training, especially the Void, has got 
nothing to do with it. I quit practicing it a long time before 
that... summer. That training has its uses, but shutting people 
out isn't one of them. You have to take my word for it. I think 
you know me well enough to know that I'm telling you the truth."

She nodded, then asked, "May I ask one question?"

"Only one?" I teased.

"Yes, Mitch. And I hope you can answer it," she said with a 
reasonable tone, urging me to give it a serious consideration.

"No promises, but I'll give it my best effort," I replied in the 
same reasonable tone.

I took a drag from my cigarette, waiting for her question. 
Nothing could have prepared me for what was coming next--training 
or no training. It wasn't a bombshell. It was the fucking A-Bomb! 
My clever sister was either very lucky, or she must have studied 
strategy better than I had.

"Does Dana know about your past?" she asked with dead calm. For 
all purposes, she could have been asking about the weather: 
"Isn't it hot, today?"

I must say my reaction wasn't elegant. The cigarette smoke got 
caught at the back of my throat, irritating it something 
terrible, and I had a coughing fit. When I managed to gather a 
semblance of control, I took a sip from my coffee, trying to 
sooth my burning throat. In the meantime, my sister was trying to 
hide her laughter (and not very hard, I must add).

_You, little witch! I'll get you for this!_

For God's sake, the shit she had pulled was incredible. No 
warning at all, and then... Slam dunk!

Before I could say a word, she came back, adding insult to 
injury. "If this is your best effort, Mitch, I better take a rain 
check."

"You witch! You just earned a payback. I'll get you for this."

"It was worth it. Thank you for your elegant answer."

"Kathy, that was below the belt. What did you do? Spend the whole 
night planning how to ask this question?" I retorted with an 
irritated tone.

"Come on, Mitch. You were closed up for a long time. Suddenly, 
you're relaxed, almost happy. It turns out you've met a new girl 
who happens to be a flight attendant. You're not walking around 
with a chip on your shoulder. Then, we sit and talk about 
something we never talked about. What pisses me off is that, 
you've talked about your past with some new girl, instead of 
talking with me."

"Hold it there! Not one more word. This talk is over!" I said, 
sternly, before standing up.

I wasn't really angry, but I was scared where the talk would 
lead. When Kathy started on the subject of why I would talk with 
Dana about my past (there had been no precedent), she could have 
easily stumbled upon what exactly happened during the flight.

_Unless, she has it worked out already... she had the whole night 
to think about it._

That thought filled me with dread. I made my way to my room to 
pick up my jacket. I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to keep 
fending off Kathy.

_Shit! Everything was going so nice. Why did you do that, Kathy?_

I sat on the bed, examining my feelings. I hadn't been angry 
about what she did. I was shocked, but now, I resented it. Mostly 
because she was going in a direction that would open a whole can 
of worms, and I wasn't ready for it, yet, if ever.

"Mitch, I'm sorry."

I looked up and saw her standing by the door, her arms crossed, 
with a sad and scared expression on her face. When I didn't 
respond, she said, "Mitch, I'm sorry. Please, don't do this. I 
didn't know what I was doing."

"Really? You didn't know what you were doing? From where I stood, 
it didn't look like that at all," I replied, unable to keep the 
resentment from coloring my voice.

"I'm sorry, Mitch. We were just having fun, and it was too good 
an opportunity to pass up. I didn't expect--" she replied with a 
small voice, before I cut her off.

"Not one more word, Kathy. You're on probation. I mean it."

At that her face fell, her eyes getting moist. She tried one more 
time. "I'm truly sorry, Mitchell. I'll promise anything you want. 
Just don't do this. Please? You know I keep my promises."

_She would never give a promise, unless... Oh, no! Come on, 
Kathy. I love you. I'm not going to shut you out, but..._

I tried to calm myself. Then, with a tired sigh I said, "Kathy, I 
love you. I want to make you happy, but... you really don't know 
when to stop. I'm at fault as much as you are. Please, tread a 
bit more carefully. I don't want promises, but don't take that as 
carte-blanche, OK? That's not the Kathy I know. I want back that 
clever, scheming she-devil who drives me crazy; my Kathy."

At that, she rushed at me and I was flattened on the bed, with 
her straddling me and painting my cheeks with kisses. Then she 
sat up, still straddling me and gave me an embarrassed and guilty 
look.

_What, now?_

"Out with it. Since I seem to be in a forgiving mood, out with 
it," I said.

"I have a confession to make, but promise you'll not hit the 
roof."

"Kathy, you're in no position, and you know that. I said I'm in a 
forgiving mood."

"I hope you'll not get angry with me when you hear this. It's 
about this Saturday."

"Go on."

"It's about, Sarah."

_Oh, brother! I hope it's not what I think it is._

"Tell me you didn't cook something with Sarah?"

She nodded apprehensively.

"God, Kathy! And how long were you going to keep it a secret?--
Never mind that--What did you cook up this time?"

"Well... she doesn't have a boyfriend... _anymore_. She had one, 
but she broke up." She waited to see how I would react.

"_Very cute_, Kathy. She had a boyfriend, but not anymore. You 
think you can explain away what you said about Sarah, with this 
little detail?" I asked, amused at her antics.

"I learned _it_ from you."

"Kathy!" I warned her, reminding her of her current situation, 
but she wasn't going to heed it.

"What!!! It's the truth, and we both know it. You're a master at 
it," she retorted.

"OK. I'm not going to get into a discussion on this now. Go on. 
What else you've got planned?"

"Well... She's interested in you."

"You're joking, right? This isn't more babe and bombshell stuff?"

"I'm serious, Mitch. She came out with it. She had been asking 
about you now and then. I didn't realize she had an interest in 
you. I mean, you said it yourself; it's been five or six years 
since she saw you, so I never gave a thought."

"But, when she expressed her interest, you turned her down, 
_right_?" I asked her in a sarcastic tone. We both knew what the 
score was on that point.

"In fact, I _did_."

Seeing my skeptic look, she elaborated. "Sorry, Bro, but you 
haven't been much fun lately, and she's my best friend. I love 
you, but since you weren't shopping for girlfriends, I thought it 
was the right thing to do."

"Yes, it was. So you _did_ everything you could?"

She gave me a pained look. "She insisted, and finally got me to 
tell her a bit about you. I didn't tell her much, but--you know, 
some generalizations: how you kept busy with your work and had 
little time for romance."

Seeing the disbelief on my face, she hurriedly added, "I swear, 
Mitch. I didn't tell her anything. I had to say something. She's 
my best friend, but you're my brother."

"Not even a little mention of a broken heart, maybe?"

"I didn't say anything, although..."

"Although what, Kathy?"

"I kinda mentioned you had something going on a few years back, 
but that hadn't worked out, and since then you had been too busy 
with your work."

"_Real nice job_, Kathy," I said, sarcastically.

"I thought so myself," Kathy retorted, unabashed.

Seeing the irritated look on my face, she got defensive. "I 
didn't say anything, Mitch. She might draw some conclusions, but 
I didn't say anything. I needed to warn her a bit. Be honest, and 
tell me if I did anything wrong?"

"No... you did not. But... I don't want you to make a habit of 
it. I told you before; I'm not shopping for girlfriends."

"No, you're not. Not _anymore_."

"You're _incorrigible_. Why am I putting up with you?"

"Because... I'm your _sister_... and, you love me to _death_?"

"Maybe I should forget about the love part and go straight to 
death," I quipped.

"You don't mean _that_!"

"No, I don't. But sometimes... You know what I mean... So, is 
there more to this story?" I asked, directing us back to the 
subject.

"Well, after that little talk about you, she came out and asked 
if I would mind if she took a shot at you. That's when I realized 
she was serious about it. I asked why she wanted to pursue you, 
and she told me she remembered you as a pleasant, quiet kid; a 
bit shy perhaps, but a nice kid. You've both known each other for 
a long time and she liked you then. She wants to see if there's 
something. Compared to her current crop of boyfriends, she thinks 
you might be different."

"You know, this is going to be a real pain in the neck. At least, 
with those sharks, I can ignore them. Sarah is... well, Sarah is 
different. She's your best friend, and I've known her a long 
time. For God's sake, Kathy... the things you get me into 
sometimes..."

"I'm sorry, Mitch, but whether I talked with her or not, she was 
probably going to find a way to get to see you."

"Yeah... It seems she had something in her mind for a while."

She had an amused look on her face and was trying hard not to 
laugh.

"What's so _funny_?"

"Well, Bro. You seem to have a streak of luck lately. After a 
long drought, you have girls raining all over you."

I grimaced at the thought. I had enough complications in my life.

Seeing my look, she said, "Oh, _come on_, Mitch; _be happy_! You 
need some happiness. Don't tell me, you're still hung up on..."

Her voice faded, as she noticed how I tensed up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry," she said, with an apologetic 
tone.

Getting off me, she allowed me to stand up. Changing the subject 
swiftly, she asked, "So what's the plan, Bro? Do we go and get 
your car?"

"Yeah. We better do that. I don't want to be late for the 
afternoon."

She moved in and hugged me, while softly whispering, "Thank you. 
Seeing you happy, I keep forgetting... things. I love you and 
I'll be more careful."

I hugged her back, rocking her, kissing the top of her head. It 
had been a long time since we'd been this close.

"Do you think Mom suspects anything?" I asked.

"Well, she's sharp, but she won't grill you. Not after last 
year."

"What do you mean?"

"She was scared of losing you. After that big argument, she 
realized she was running the risk of pushing you away. You know, 
Dad never got involved in things like that, and always kept 
quiet. A year ago that changed. He was also worried, but when Mom 
heard the latest escalation, she was close to panic, and he had 
to do something. However it was mostly because of Mom, to calm 
her down."

"He had to-- what do you mean?"

"Dad knew if they kept putting pressure on you, they might lose 
you. You know how Dad is. He keeps his thoughts to himself, and 
doesn't talk much, unless it becomes necessary. Last year it was 
bad. He believed you'd take care of yourself, even though he was 
worried. But, when they heard the news of the _attack_, for the 
first time he looked scared; really scared that something might 
happen to you. When Mom panicked, he knew he had to do something. 
That's why he was hard on you. When you gave them the cold 
shoulder, especially to Mom, he backed away, and tried to talk 
with Mom."

"And?" I prompted.

Kathy didn't respond, perhaps expecting an explanation, but I 
didn't want to get into it. For three long years, I had to endure 
every week the constant arguments and pressure, and last year it 
had come to a boiling point; Dad had almost given me an 
ultimatum. But, I had reached my limit. I had been ready to snap. 
Everybody has a limit, and they should have realized it long time 
ago. I had come too close to cutting loose! But, filial piety 
wasn't something I could turn my back on--easily. Unfortunately, 
what they hadn't realized was, it had been a choice between self 
preservation and respecting their wishes. The work had been the 
only thing driving me, and if I had given that up... So, I had 
done the next best thing; I had given them the cold shoulder, 
ignoring them.

How could I explain what I had felt at the time? If something 
happened, if it was in the cards, yes, I might have gotten 
killed, but it had been a low probability, and still was a low 
probability. If I had left and came home, I would have died a 
slow death, piece by piece. Which one was worse? I knew I didn't 
have a death wish, and I had always been careful. I just had no 
interest in giving up the last thing that drove me... that kept 
me breathing one more day. How could I give up my work? And for 
what? For a little bit of risk? People still lived and worked 
there!

_How can I explain that? How can I make them or Kathy understand? 
I can't! I can't even talk about it, because it would hurt them._

_I've never felt so abandoned in my life before, by the people 
who were supposed to support me._

_I wish... you could understand how lonely it had felt, Kathy..._

I didn't want to dwell on the thoughts, because I didn't want to 
feel resentment. I waited patiently while trying to calm myself. 
I didn't know if she saw something in my face or thought better 
of it, because she decided to continue with what she was saying.

"After the talk with Dad, Mom realized if she insisted too much 
she might push you away. You never gave her the cold shoulder 
before. Before that, you usually got irritated, but tried to grin 
and bear it. And she realized it. She knows she's still overly 
protective and she can't help that. We both know how she's when 
it comes to her kids, but last year, you scared her."

"I see. And now?"

"She's kinda accepted the situation. Well, she knows you have a 
mind of your own and there's very little she can do about it. 
She's just worried about what could happen there. It's not the 
_work_, Mitch; it's the _place_."

"Kathy, it's not that bad. You know me. I'm cautious. Nothing's 
going to happen," I replied with confidence, trying to reassure 
her.

"You don't know that, Mitch. You can't kno--"

"Kathy, don't. Please?"

She gave a resigned sigh, but tightened her arms around me, 
letting me know how she felt. I rocked her, returning her hug, 
and whispering, "It will be all right, Sis. It will be all 
right."

When she calmed down, she looked up and said, "Anyways, she might 
probe gently, but she won't grill you. On the other hand, she 
might grill me."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know, Mitch. I don't want to get her hopes up. If she 
thinks you're involved with a girl, she might think you'll leave 
that place. I know it's too early for that, and you're not ready 
to leave that place... are you?"

"No, I'm not. In a way I enjoy the place, but especially the 
work. I really do enjoy my work, and you know there's been very 
little I enjoyed lately," I replied, encouraged by her response.

"I think, I understand. You wouldn't enjoy doing something else, 
would you?"

I shook my head.

_I'm sorry, Sis. I should have given you more credit. Thank you. 
You don't know how much that meant._

Brushing my cheek, she said, "It's OK! I'll handle, Mom. I want 
her happy, but I'm not going to get her hopes up. She needs a bit 
of good news to get her spirits up."

That reminded me what she had done years ago, about the school 
bullies. I couldn't respond; I had a lump forming at the back of 
my throat. I gave her a fierce hug, trying to make her understand 
how I felt.

"It's all right, Mitch. You do your best, and hurry home," she 
whispered.

I was still thinking of what she had said, about not getting 
Mom's hopes up. I wasn't ready yet, but maybe it was time to have 
a chat with her. I mulled it over, and even though I didn't know 
when I would feel ready, or how things would work out, I had to 
have a talk with, Mom. It felt right, in some inexplicable way. I 
didn't want Kathy caught between me and Mom. This was about me 
and I needed to deal with it.

"Mitch, what are you thinking?"

"I... I was thinking about, Mom. I'll have a talk with her, 
Kathy. It's been too long we had a talk. I think it's time."

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"I don't know, but it seems the right thing to do."

"Mitch, don't rush into it. You're her first born, and... Well, 
you know how mothers are, with their first born."

She had a point there. Before I could say anything, she 
continued. "Let me probe first, while you're at the garage. I'll 
let you know how it went, and if you still want to, you can have 
a talk with her on Sunday."

"Uh... OK, Sis. You know best."

"Sisters always know best," she quipped.

"They do _not_!"

At that, we were laughing, the tension of the moment dissipating. 
Once we caught our breath, we decided we had wasted enough time 
already and went about starting on our respective agendas for the 
day.



. . . . .



Back at my parent's place, we chatted for a short while, before I 
got busy with my car. After checking the oil and tire pressures, 
I checked the battery and found it weak. I had had the battery 
disconnected, since the car wasn't going to be used for almost a 
month, when I was away from home, working.

_I should have put it on the charger yesterday._

Luckily, it wasn't as bad as I thought, and when I made the 
connections, I managed to start the car. I would know if it 
charged properly or if it was dying by the time I got to the 
garage. On the other hand, the engine was purring like a cat. It 
was time to hit the road and see how things went.

The ride to the garage was uneventful. Because it was almost time 
for a major service, I decided to get it done instead of the 
minor service. I might do some miles this vacation and I wanted 
it in tip-top condition. A couple of hours later, it was ready 
and with a mechanic we took it out for a spin to see if there was 
anything else. During the short ride I remembered I would drive 
at a lower altitude--we were currently at 800 meters above sea 
level, and that made quite a bit of difference in regards to fuel 
and air mixture, despite the electronic controls--and the last 
time I was by the coastline I had little problems. I mentioned it 
to the mechanic, and he drove us back to the garage to make the 
necessary adjustments, while explaining what and how he was doing 
the adjustment, referring to the display screen of the electronic 
gizmo he attached to the exhaust pipe. He warned me I might have 
a bit higher rpms while the engine was idle, and I would do less 
miles per liter at our current altitude, especially driving in 
city traffic, but it would improve once I hit the lower 
altitudes. He assured me I would have a really smooth performance 
when I was driving long distances on the highways. Satisfied with 
the service, I paid. One of the guys got the car quickly vacuumed 
and washed, courtesy of the garage--since I was pretty regular 
there--while I had a cup of coffee with the owner.

He asked why I always stayed around when the car was being 
serviced. I told him that most of the time the car was being 
serviced by a different mechanic, who might not be familiar with 
its history or problems. I also enjoyed watching and learning 
what they were doing and how they were doing it. He didn't take 
offense at my explanation, and suggested I should give him a call 
and make an appointment so that he could assign a particular 
mechanic. I had always dropped by without an appointment and 
sometimes I had to wait for a while, before they got to my car. 
The offer suited me. I got the impression the owner was trying to 
convince me they were doing a good job, and wanted to keep me as 
a regular, and valued customer. I hadn't had any problems with 
them and decided to take him up on his offer. I made a tentative 
appointment for two months later--on my next off-duty time--which 
I would confirm with him a few days prior to the actual date. 
During the ride back home, I was satisfied with what they had 
done and was looking forward to enjoying a good drive along the 
coastline.

I arrived home long before tea time. Dad was taking his afternoon 
nap, and would be up shortly. Mom and Sis were in the kitchen. 
So, I pulled up a chair and joined them. I could see Mom was 
looking more relaxed, perhaps happy, and I got the feeling Sis 
had something to do with that. When Mom got busy preparing tea, 
Kathy and I exchanged a quick glance, and she confirmed my 
suspicions. When Mom joined us, she knew something was up, and 
she figured I knew that she knew. She didn't say anything, but 
her eyes were smiling. I asked her if she wanted me to help her 
with tonight's cooking. She got a bit emotional and replied she'd 
like that very much. I could see Kathy was getting teary eyed as 
well, so deciding to break the mood, I asked Mom when Dad was 
getting up. Mom stood up, saying she would check on him, leaving 
Kathy and me alone in the kitchen. I turned to Kathy, to ask how 
Mom was doing, but she beat me to it.

"She's happy, Mitch. We talked a little bit, but she didn't even 
ask me for details. She saw the changes, and that was enough. She 
suspected you were getting involved with somebody and she figured 
it must have been something recent. She knows it's too early, but 
she's happy. Mostly because you seem to be doing better than 
before. Helping with the cooking was great touch, Bro. I couldn't 
have figured out something better than that."

"What about that place, my work?"

"We didn't talk about it and I got the feeling she knows it's too 
early. She might be everything, but she's realistic. As they say: 
'There is a light at the end of the tunnel'."

"Yeah. I guess there is, after all," I replied quietly.

Putting her hand on top of mine, Kathy said, "It's going to be 
good, Mitch. I could feel it."

I wished I was as sure as Kathy was, but I knew I had to start 
somewhere and thinking dark thoughts did not help.

The rest of the afternoon and the evening were great. I still 
enjoyed cooking as much I did when I was younger, and Mom and I 
had a great time discussing spices and ingredients--talking about 
various recipes. She accused me of being heavy handed with 
spices, especially the basil, parsley, thyme and my favorite, 
oregano. I told her she used too much garlic and onions. The 
dinner was a cheerful event, helped along by my dad's dry humor, 
teasing Mom and me about our lack of skills in the kitchen--
coming from a person who couldn't boil water if his life depended 
on it, and we teased him back mercilessly. However, that wasn't 
true. He didn't know much about cooking, but he knew how to cook 
a mean Hungarian Goulash, as Kathy reminded us, coming to Dad's 
defense. For a while it was sons and mothers versus dads and 
daughters. Eventually it quieted down, as nobody wanted to eat 
cold food.

After dinner, Dad asked what we wanted to watch, listing several 
movies on video. He was a movie buff, well, not exactly; he was a 
cinema historian, and knew a lot. I had developed a taste for 
movies early on, but as I reached my teenage years, it became 
apparent that I didn't share his love for certain genres; movies 
like the _Bicycle Thieves_ and many others. On the other hand, we 
both enjoyed the classics in various genres like musicals, 
comedies, a few westerns and war movies. And, he certainly didn't 
share my interest in what he called _Pop-Corn_ entertainment; the 
new Hollywood products filled to the brim with special effects or 
other gimmicks. He acknowledged the fact that new technologies 
were emerging in film making, and as such he welcomed the 
developments, but he maintained that movies were about telling a 
story, or about having a message, and in his own words, "As long 
as they are reasonable about it, technology is good, but movies 
aren't about the technology; the technology should help tell the 
story better." That was a point of discussion we never agreed, 
because I saw a place for pure, escapist entertainment, as well 
as the movies with a message, while he was unwilling to consider 
the first kind as anything but a real movie. In the end, we 
agreed to disagree on the subject. To tell the truth I wasn't 
inclined to get into a prolonged discussion on the subject, 
because he knew more than I did, and adding his knowledge in 
history, politics, languages, literature, and arts, he had a 
formidable arsenal at his disposal that he drew freely to make 
his point. I knew I was being stubborn on this issue, so he let 
it go at that, instead of trying to convince me. Perhaps, that 
might be one reason why I had chosen engineering, instead of 
following in his footsteps, not wanting to compete with him or 
live under his shadow, even though I shared a love of literature, 
and some of the arts, and to some extent history. On the other 
hand, my interests had always been in science and math, and 
technology, because I felt more comfortable with something that 
was tangible, whereas most of the arts, including the literature, 
had an abstract feel to it that I had some difficulties to deal 
with.

As I thought about our differences, I caught Mom and Sis voice 
their votes. They wanted to watch _On the Town_, a musical. Dad 
and I wanted to watch _Casablanca_ even though everyone had seen 
both of the movies several times over the years. Well, since both 
of the ladies wanted the same movie, and the votes were divided 
half-half, the choice was going to be what they wanted. Dad and I 
shared a look, and he let out a harrumph, muttering "women," and 
resignedly selected _On the Town_.

Just then, Kathy piped up, "I changed my mind. _Casablanca_," 
earning herself a quizzical look from Mom.

Dad and I were happy with that choice, until I caught sight of 
Kathy. She had a small smile on her lips with a curious twinkle 
in her eyes. Remembering what _Casablanca_ was about, I got an 
uneasy feeling. Was Kathy figuring out more stuff, or did she 
just want to see how I would react to the movie? By voting for 
_Casablanca_, had I given her more hints? I knew when I watched a 
good movie I really got into it. When I was young, Mom used to 
comment how I immersed myself in a movie, and I knew I revealed 
more about myself than I was aware of.

_Sorry, Kathy. No freebies for you tonight. It's too early and 
I'm not ready yet. Nice try, though. I'll give you that._

"Sorry, Dad. I changed my mind also. I vote for _On the Town_. 
Mom has the right idea."

The situation changed, suddenly. The votes were still divided, 
equally, but now, it came to pulling rank among women and as 
such, it was Mom's choice. Dad, of course, didn't understand why 
I changed my mind, so he teased me trying to change my mind. "I 
thought you knew a good movie from an average movie, Son."

I shrugged my shoulders and responded with, "I feel like a 
musical, Dad. Sorry."

Mom, however, saw the looks Kathy was giving me, and caught on to 
the byplay between us. She realized a private war was going on. 
She just didn't know what it involved. What's more, she was 
suspicious, why Kathy would change her vote, agreeing with my 
choice, instead of trying to vote against me; especially if this 
was a private war. Kathy knew she had lost her chance, and when I 
gave her a smug smile, she shrugged it off. We both knew she was 
still ahead of me in this game, but I could see, she really 
didn't want to miss this opportunity.

_So, you just wanted to watch me and see how I would react?_

That was good to know. If she was planning to see how I would 
react to the movie, she probably hadn't stumbled on everything, 
yet. It was a comforting thought, but as with all assumptions, it 
was dangerous. I knew I wasn't in the clear, yet. With Kathy, I 
never was, I thought ruefully.

Mom was still paying attention and she saw Kathy's shrug. She 
knew something was definitely up. Looking at Kathy, I nodded in 
Mom's direction. When she peeked at Mom, she got a sharp stare 
that said, "What are you up to?"

Kathy tried a "Who? Me?" but she couldn't pull it off. Mom seemed 
annoyed with her.

_Way to go, Sis. You try too hard. Enjoy the hot water and good 
luck with Mom._

The rest of the night was uneventful. On the way back to Kathy's 
place, we both took our own cars.



* * * * *