Child Brides of India

By C. Stanton Leman

Chapter 4: Meeting Adib (slow, no sex)

The previous night, after my meeting with the Imam at the Jama Masjiid mosque, and a heated discussion after dinner with my parents, my father called Adib Haaseem to arrange the long debated and awaited meeting between Mr. Haaseem, my father and I to discuss the ‘introduction,’ as it was now called, between Adib’s daughter, Sarah and me.

Because the ‘Sabbath,’ for lack of a better word, for Muslims is Friday, we agreed to meet Saturday morning at ten am at our home in Dad’s study. He did request that my mother not be present, because these matters were customarily handled between men. My mom was a little insulted, but acquiesced, deferring to Islamic tradition.

Dad said that Mr. Haaseem was elated, praised Allah for answering his prayers, would pray for a cordial ‘meeting of the minds’ and would see us promptly at ten am on Saturday. This gave us a full day’s respite the next day which my mother proclaimed as a ‘mother/son day’ to begin after morning prayers and breakfast. My father said that was fine, he had business matters to attend to anyway.

It was the middle of June and the weather was warm and humid. New Delhi, like many other ancient Asian cities, has the juxtaposition of ancient and modern architecture in close proximity. It is, in a lot of places, dirty, dusty and filled with throngs of people going about their daily lives. We started out our day by seeing a couple of Hindu temples, had a pleasant lunch at a sidewalk café, and visited a few shopping bazaars.

While we were walking in a local park, my mother got quiet all of a sudden. We stopped to sit for a moment, and she looked at me and smiled. She placed her palm to the side of my cheek and said, “I fear I’m going to lose you to this strange and mysterious land…

“You know… you’re my single most precious contribution to this world. You, my son, are my greatest accomplishment in life!

“I know that your father helped mold you, along with your incredible mind and education, but I gave you life. You are of my flesh. I can sometimes actually feel what you think and feel. I know you better than anyone and I’ll always be there for you — always.

“I feel something is going to happen to change our lives forever. I don’t know what, but for some strange reason, I strangely feel calm about it. Maybe it’s silly women’s intuition gone awry. I don’t know… just a feeling is all.” With that, she wiped a tear from her cheek, composed herself and looked at me with a smile.

Softly wiping away an errant tear from her cheek with my finger, I said lovingly, “Mom? I don’t know what to say, except that I love you. With all the outward appearances of a confident genius, I have insecurities that I couldn’t have dealt with if it hadn’t been for your understanding and support. No matter what happens here, or anywhere else in the world, I know you will always be there for me and me for you. I love you, Mother. I deeply, deeply love you.”

On the way home, our conversation in the park wasn’t mentioned again as talk returned to exotic sights, sounds and surroundings.

Upon arriving home, I showered and prayed my evening prayers with all the special supplications for the events to follow. I went to the study where mom and dad were watching a movie, told them I wanted to retire early, and went to bed.

Restless, I laid awake thinking of Sarah and what she must be going through. At eighteen, I have a lot of insecurities when it comes to meeting women and she’s undoubtedly feeling the same, if not more. I then decided to ask Adib for a ‘variance’ in the actual method of our introduction, if there was one. I would suggest that instead of the two of us going off to a corner of the room, within earshot of all present, that we take a more informal, less stressful approach and work the verbal ‘feeling each other out’ into the normal, casual conversation normally encountered in a social setting. In this way, I could gauge her demeanor and carriage in an adult environment, along with her social and verbal skills. It might also alleviate some of her tension and stress level — it wouldn’t hurt mine either.

After my morning ablutions and prayers, I donned a business suit, and then went downstairs to awaiting parents for breakfast. Dad, being more nervous than either my mom or me, was rambling on about staying calm, keeping your cool, don’t make rash decisions under emotional stress and on, and on… My mom finally said “John. Shut the hell up and eat your breakfast!”

Shortly before ten, I asked my father to let me take the lead and do most of the talking. I continued by saying that he could sit back, watch the dynamic and critique me later. This initial interaction would have a direct bearing on what tone our future working relationship might take on, and he agreed.

Mr. Haaseem arrived promptly at ten, ringing the doorbell. I walked behind my father to the door to formally greet the man I’d met for the first time over a year ago in Washington, D. C.

We exchanged greetings, handshakes, and all the other pleasantries of etiquette, and then proceeded to the study. Dad asked the maid to bring a pot of tea.

Mr. Haaseem was as I remembered him. He had a wheatish, rugged complexion, not too tall: maybe 5’ 10”, and carried a little weight on him with a slight stomach, probably about 190 pounds. Slightly balding, he had black, wavy hair that was starting to grey at the temples. He was personable with a warm, friendly smile that came easily.

Standing next to him, in contrast, my father stands 6’ 4” tall, an average Caucasian complexion, medium brown hair speckled with grey throughout, and maybe 220 pounds with a solid — not heavy — frame.

We sat, Dad on one end of the sofa, Adib on the other end, with me in an armchair between and facing the two. My father broke the awkward silence of waiting to see who’d begin by saying, “Well Adib, here we are: you, me and Sean, just as you requested. Before we go any further, I make one request of you, my friend. Be completely open, honest and forthright in this matter - just like we do in business. I know this is, using your own words, ‘a matter close to your heart’, but I feel the time for subtlety is over. Let’s discuss this with open hearts, open minds, and open communication. Don’t you agree?”

“Yes, John,” Adib began, “I agree. I first must apologize for the way I approached the matter. I was thinking more about our custom and not properly considering your customs in these matters. I should have approached you in a more understanding way, and again, I apologize.

“We have been friends a long time and regardless of the outcome this morning, we, I hope will continue to be good friends. Sean, you are new to my country and the business and my feelings toward you are the same as toward your father. I have great respect and admiration for you; otherwise I wouldn’t have even considered making such a request of you.”

I began, “Mr. Haaseem--”

He cut quickly cut me off saying “Adib. Call me Adib.”

“Adib,” I began again, “just so there’s no misunderstanding, culturally or otherwise, please tell me exactly why you want me to meet Sarah, and what do you hope will become of our meeting?”

“Again Sean, I apologize for abruptly raising the issue, but in all openness, I would hope that your meeting Sarah might lead to a courtship and possibly marriage.”

“Good!” my dad said. “Now it’s truly out in the open.”

I started again, “I think I have a pretty good sense as to why you may feel that I might, in some way, be a compatible spouse for your daughter, since you’ve had the advantage of ‘following my progress.’ Anyway, I have no such knowledge of Sarah and I feel that today’s discussion is for me to basically get a sense for who Sarah is. Am I correct in saying so?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Before I proceed, if I make a mistake or offend you in any way, please forgive me. Even though I’ve met with an Imam for instruction and guidance on these procedures, if I err, it is unintentional.”

“I’m sure you’ll be guided by Allah’s wisdom, peace be upon Him,” Adib replied.

“Let’s just talk generally about Sarah. How old is she, and if she’s still in school, what grade is she in?”

“Sarah is sixteen. She’s an advanced student and will finish high school this year.” With that, I glanced at my father and I could see a sigh of relief on his face.

“So, what little I know of the Indian grade structure, that means she’s about two years advanced academically, correct?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“What I’d like for you to do now is simply talk about your daughter as if you’re talking to a new friend and being the proud parent. Explain how you feel about her and the qualities she has that make you so proud of her. If I want to ask a question, I’ll jump in. That way our time together won’t seem so much like a question/answer session similar to a police interrogation. By doing things this way, I feel that we’re treating Sarah with more respect and not so much like something to be ‘negotiated’. Don’t you agree?”

“You are most kind and I thank you for thinking of her so graciously. Now, where to begin?”

“Just talk about Sarah.”

“Well… Sarah is my first born of two daughters. She’s sixteen, had a good mind and is an excellent student that gets high marks at school. She is two years advanced in her studies and she will graduate this year from secondary high school. She’s about 5’ 6” tall with dark brown, shoulder length hair and warm friendly brown eyes. Although she is of a… fuller figure; she’s not what you would call heavy: maybe, how do you say it, athletic maybe?

Sarah is close to all in her family, does her chores and helps her mother willingly and without complaint. She’s a good natured, quiet girl who is pious, humble, and chaste. She has not been allowed to ‘date’, as you call it, but has several girl friends. As you may well know, being younger than her classmates, she is somewhat shy. This is one of the reasons I have considered you because you are acquainted with such feelings.”

With that, I motioned that I wanted to ask a question. “How well does Sarah interact with her older, fellow students and adults? Does she accompany you and your wife to adult social functions such as the one where you and I first met?”

Adib replied, “As I said, she is somewhat shy, but adapts and makes an attempt to fit into her surroundings; and yes, she has accompanied me and my wife to several functions.”

“And how does she fit in at these types of functions and more immediately, how comfortable is she with a situation like the one we’re here to discuss?”

“She is somewhat… reserved. By that I mean, she sometimes finds it awkward to inject herself in conversation. Let me say in all honestly that this may very well be a result of our faith, which encourages women to defer to males, other adults unknowingly overlooking her because of her age, and unfortunately, here in India, women are usually more passive in conversation: especially when men are present. To be specific about the two of you meeting, my guess as her father would be that she’s a little apprehensive. Not because of being around adults, it’s just that she understands that this will be the first time she actually will be having one-on-one conversation with a male, and possibly discussing matters that reveal more of a personal side of herself.”

“I see. Do you know her feelings about meeting a possible spouse? By that I mean, has she prayed about this? Do you feel she’s ready for this, or is it a situation where she is following your advice because you feel I’m the right person at the right time in her life, and by custom, the parents are usually the ones to take the lead in these matters?”

‘Yes, she has prayed: both in solitude and with my wife concerning this matter. As with all parents who have discussions with their children of matters that are of an intimate manner, Salima, my wife, has lovingly explained the reasons and process every Muslim girl goes through to become acquainted with and joined to a man for lifelong marriage. Sarah is also aware that, with her entering the concluding years of her education, it is time for her to consider these matters in her life.”

Adib paused, as if waiting for my comment. I then leaned forward in my chair a little with my hands clasped together and said, “I’d like to ask you a few final questions, and then, possibly a few observations and comments and I’d like you to be painfully honest. Okay?”

Looking me straight in the eyes, he replied, “I will do my best.”

“Alright then.” I began again, “If you were to go home today and tell Sarah that I did not wish to proceed with a meeting for the purpose of a possible marriage, how do you think she’d feel? What do you anticipate her reaction to be?”

“You are candidly asking me to reveal her weaknesses aren’t you”

He knew what I was asking. How will she deal with the adult reality of life that comes with the rejection by a man or the first time meeting concerning possible marriage? My thoughts genuinely turned to Sarah. I vowed to be kind and respectful of Sarah, regardless of what I wanted to know, so I replied, “Believe it or not, I am thinking of her mental and emotional welfare. I think I may understand what she might feel, this being her first experience with the process of courtship and marriage, but I’d like to hear it from one who knows her heart.”

With this, Adib eased a little in his chair and said, “You are a kind and gracious man, and my respect and admiration of you is increased ten-fold. To answer you frankly, I believe that a rejection today would be harder for her to bear. I say this because Sarah might feel that she hasn’t been given the opportunity for you to really see her as a person, and then, having had a glimpse of one another, deciding that it was not in Allah’s will, peace be upon Him, for any further relationship.”

“Adib, I thank you for your candor. I feel I have enough information to make some decisions. Before you jump to any conclusions, let me finish what I have to say, alright?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Let me begin by saying that unfortunately, I do not believe that Sarah and I would make a very compatible couple, and here’s why. Although Sarah is two years advanced in school, we are nowhere close to being academically compatible. Being only two years younger than her peers, this should not, in my experience, pose any real alienation from them. In America, boys and girls of this age range are more than capable of meeting as relative equals both academically and socially. The insecurity she is experiencing may simply be she lacks the confidence to inject herself to demonstrate her equality with them.

“As for dealing with adults, you are aware that a person, regardless of age, has to want to participate in social interaction if they are to be acknowledged and included. Since I will be taking over my father’s assets here in India, I will need a spouse who can show a maturity — regardless of her age — to stand on her own in these adult social settings and contribute to her husband’s endeavors.

“Having said that, I vowed to myself, and made a promise to Allah that I would genuinely look upon Sarah as a person, and treat her with dignity and respect one should give a woman of faith.

“In keeping with these promises, I will agree to your family’s introduction of Sarah and me for a couple of reasons. First, I truly believe that you feel Allah has moved your heart to be where we, meaning your family and mine and specifically Sarah and I, are at this point in time. For that reason, Sarah may feel this way also. I don’t know if she feels Allah has led her heart in this direction also. If she feels so moved, she may, at our meeting, with God’s help, exhibit a strength, maturity and decisiveness that she hasn’t before displayed. Who can know the will of Allah? Finally, I’ll treat Sarah as a person, with respect and not dismiss her as we would a business proposition that should be shelved. With that said, unless we — meaning you, your wife, my parents and me — can see the movement of God’s hand in all of this, there will, in my opinion, be no courtship or marriage. Does this seem fair and reasonable to you?”

“Again, Sean, My heart soars with admiration and respect for you in this matter. You have clearly shown a maturity and sensitivity beyond your years. You have secured a lifelong friend in me.”

I smiled and looking at my father, who up to this point had surprisingly kept absolutely quiet, smiled also. I know what he was thinking: a win/win for everybody.

To finish up, I again began. “Now that we’ve agreed to an introduction, I have a favor to ask of you, dear friend.”

Adib said smiling, “If it’s in my power to grant, anything.”

“To make things less stressful, especially with both families looking on, I’d like to request that instead of Sarah and I going off to a corner of the room within earshot of everyone, that we get to know one another more casually in the mood befitting a dinner between families. This can best be determined by our initial conversation before dinner. If she’s too nervous about a one-on-one situation, we can use the informal approach. Questions and answers can be easily carried on by normal conversation before, during and after dinner. This might help keep Sarah from feeling self conscious and less intimidated in the presence of a man. What do you think of the idea, or is it too much of a break with tradition?”

“You have given my daughter great respect with your thoughtful kindness. I agree, I think it best as you have suggested.”

“Fine,” I said, standing up and extending my hand to close our meeting, “Now with that out of the way, when do we meet each other’s family for dinner?”

“Sarah, with me and my family are at your convenience.”

I looked at Dad inquiringly, and he said, “I can’t wait to finally meet your family! How about tomorrow evening? Say, seven o’ clock?”

Adib, shaking my father’s hand said, “Seven it is!”

Making our way out of the study to see Adib out, we praised Allah and made our obligatory farewells.

When Adib had left, we proceeded to the kitchen for lunch and I turned to Dad and said, “Well?”

He smiled and said, “With the subject matter under discussion, I couldn’t have done better myself. In fact, I could never have anticipated or even planned that outcome. I’m very proud of you, Son: very proud. Now, let’s get some lunch and fill your mother in on the details: she has a dinner to plan.”

Over lunch, I filled Mom in on the details of our meeting with Adib. She took everything I’d said rather calmly and praised me for my concern for Sarah’s feelings. But about the resulting dinner that we had set for the following evening, my mother jokingly said she was going to punish both of us for such an impromptu gathering. She said that we had ‘volunteered our great organizational skills’ to help organize everything so that we all, at least, had time to dress and get ready.

After lunch, Mom quickly made a list of the necessary items needed for our dinner and began barking out orders and handing out assignments like an assembly line foreman. She had frequently performed this task many times in entertaining my father’s prospective and current clients. And so it was; each of us off to do the ‘master’s’ bidding.