Natalie and Kristen at the Gala a skit by Ardin Resolute (note you cannot reproduce anything from this document without giving me credit for writing it, you also can't go about claiming credit for it, thank you) Scenario: Natalie Portman and Kristen Kreuk turn out to be lesbians with each other. They are at some sort of celebrity gala. Kristen: I'm so glad we can spend some time together Natalie, between Smallville and those stupid hair commericals that they keep wanting me to do, it's nice to actually be able to see you. Natalie (smiling): It's nice to be able to see you too Kristen. I've been looking forward to tonight forever! Kristen (returns smile): I know what you mean, I just couldn't wait to kiss you and look into your eyes again. (they share a kiss, chat a little, then walk into the building) voice: Hey ladies! Natalie: Do you hear that really annoying voice? Kristen: Yeah Nat, it sounds kind of familiar, who is it? (Justin Timberlake approaches with the rest of NSYNC somewhat behind him) Justin: Yo whassupp I think you two are finnne! Natalie: Yeah, we're perfectly fine, thanks for your concern. Justin: No man, that's not what I meant! I mean, I hear you two can put on a hot act for me and the guys! (members of NSYNC give big grins and thumbs up in the background) Kristen: We're lesbians, not whores. Justin: Can't you be both? Natalie: No. Justin: But c'mon, don't you want to be JUSTIFIED? (gives them a wink and a gun gesture with his right hand) Kristen: No. Good lord, has that line EVER worked? Justin: No baby, but I'm tryin! (gives them another wink plus the gesture) Natalie: I think we'll just go now. (they walk off and Justin goes back to NSYNC) Lance: You IDIOT, we didn't get a girl AGAIN! You know this means yet another weekend of gay sex for us don't you? Justin: But it was going so well! I could feel it, I had them JUSTIFIED! (wink plus gesture) JC: Will you cut that out?!? Justin: Hey, don't diss the JUSTIFICATION!!! JC: Son of a--!!! (slaps Justin) Lance: I guess we better get going. Hey where's Chris? JC: Gone as usual. Justin: Chris isn't with us? Where could he be? JC: He has a date. Joey: He has a DATE? Lance: I thought nobody cared about him. JC: That's exactly what he wants you to think. Joey: Ever get the idea he's too cool for us? (they look at each other) Justin: Too cool for us? NAHHH... now boys, let's get this evening... JUSTIFIED!!! (everybody attacks him and they run off) (meanwhile back to our dynamic duo) Kristen: So Natalie what are you working on right now? Natalie: Well, actually I've been offered a role in a future Enterprise episode. Kristen: Really? Natalie: Yeah, but I turned it down. Kristen: Why? I thought you liked Star Trek. Natalie: Yeah, I do, but the plot is that Q shows up and tosses the Enterprise into Dominion space where they actually create the founders and then runs into the Borg before showing up on Cardassia and creating the Obsidian Order. Kristen: Doesn't that contradict everything that previous Star Treks have laid out? Natalie: Yeah, but apparently Rick Berman loves the idea. Said something like "that'll show Gene! No creative talent my ass!" Kristen: And what part would you play? Natalie (sighs): I was going to be the Borg Queen's half-klingon teenage daughter who decides that Borg life is boring and leaves to help the wonderful crew of the Enterprise but ends up being hunted down by Vulcans and at the end is turned into an Orion Slave girl and given a spin-off. Kristen: Ugh, it's a good thing you turned it down! Natalie (smiling): I'm glad we agree. (Suddenly they hear some noises and turn around to see Ja Rule and Shaggy) Ja: murrrurrrururrrururururumblllegrrrrurrr Natalie: What? Shaggy: maggalaaggahaggadaggawaggasaggaahhhhhahhagaahhga Kristen: Excuse me? Ja: murrururrurrurummbblleegrurururururrurrrr Natalie: Uhh... maybe you should write it down. (Ja writes it down). Natalie: murr..ur..ur... rummbbllee...gr.ur... uhhh... okayyyyy.... (Shaggy attempts to write it down as well but Kristen stops him) Kristen: No, it's okay... uhh, sorry guys but we gotta be going... (they leave) Ja (dissapointed): murrurururrurummble... Shaggy (nodding): maagaalaggahaggadaggashaaggaaa Ja (shrugs sadly): murrururururrururr... Shaggy (puts his arm around Ja's shoulder): alaalalalsaggaahhahaha (they walk off sadly) (Natalie and Kristen are about to head off on their own way when they run into Eminem and his homies) Eminem: Hey girls! What say you fine ladies head over to my place and we have some nice 3some action? Natalie: Why do people keep asking us that!? Eminem: Cuz you both dykes and that's just so hot y'know! Kristen: I thought you hated gays. Eminem: That's just gay men you know what i'm sayin? Carpet munchers are a whole different story! Natalie: Can't you go one sentence without being crude? Eminem: Hey girl, it's just who I am, I gotta be who I gotta be you know? (Kristen looks at him lopsidedly for a while and studies him then smiles) Kristen: It must be hard. Eminem: Huh? What you sayin? Kristen: I mean, you do a good job, the ebonics, the attitude, the crassiness, but still, it must be hard to keep it all up. Eminem: Hey don't you be dissin me! I am who I am! (Kristen looks at him with a "yeah sure" look) (Eminem starts to shake and he looks worried, finally he cracks) Eminem: You have no idea! You have NO IDEA! Day in and day out and day in and day out, having to offend people, wearing this shitty clothing, acting like I hate my life! All I wanted to do was be a country singer! A COUNTRY SINGER! But nooo!!! Country was out they said! I had to exploit my broken past they said! I've been SO over it for SO LONG!!! I love my mom dammit! I have nothing against gays! And Moby! I'm his biggest fan! (everybody looks at him) That's RIGHT! I LIKE TECHNO!! IS THAT SO WRONG!?!?!? IS IT A CRIME TO ENJOY HIP DANCE BEATS? WELL IS IT!? THEY'VE GOT RHYTHM!! RHYTHM!!!!! (Eminem starts to stalk off but Dr. Dre comes up to him) Dre: C'mon dawg, you just crackin from the strain! Eminem: Oh come off it Dre! How many people know you're an actual doctor from Africa? How many people care? This is what we've been relegated to Dre, lying and pretending! Dre (suddenly loses his ebonics and takes on an educated South African accent): You know what Marshall? You're right. I am sick to death of this godforsaken hellhole called America. I would much rather be home helping my village. I just wanted to give money to my family and I've become nothing more than a slave to the white man! Eminem: Then it's settle Dre, we'll catch the first plane to your village in the morning and we'll take a break from all this fraudulence. Dre: That is a mighty fine idea my young pale-skinned friend. I must introduce you to my mother, she is a mean cook. Eminem: I can't wait old buddy, I can't wait. (They walk off happilly) (Kristen and Natalie watch them go) Kristen: OKAAAYYYYYYY... Natalie: That was weird. Kristen: No kidding. Now where were we? Natalie: Well, I don't remember, but I was planning to ask you what projects you had in the near future. Kristen: Well they wanted me to be the next villian on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Natalie: Really? I hate that show! Tell me you didn't take it! Kristen: Well, I'm okay with it really, but I'm not a FAN of it by any stretch of the imagination. (Natalie gives her a worried look) No Nat, I didn't take it don't worry. I mean, they wanted me to show up and torture and beat up Buffy and her friends and then at the end she'd beat me up and save the day all by herself while everybody else sits around looking useless. (sighs) This is Josh Whedon's idea of a surprising and innovative storyline. I get the feeling he doesn't seem to understand that once you do something innovative once, you can't do it again and still expect it to be innovative. Natalie: Yeah. (sighs) Television and movies really seem to be getting dumber don't they? Kristen: Yeah! Tell me about it! I mean, some of the crap we're stuck watching is truly disgusting! Natalie: I totally agree with you! We've got all those reality shows, the countless Seinfeld rip-offs, the incredible amount of pseudo-anime trash and Slamball! Kristen: Yeah and of course there's that stupid WWE. (Suddenly Natalie looks ashamed and worried) Kristen: Natalie? Do you like wrestling? Natalie: Well... umm... sorta...!!! (Natalie looks all scared-like) Kristen (pauses for a while then smiles warmly): Well, to tell you the truth Natalie, I watch it too. Natalie (hopeful): You do? Kristen (still smiling): Yes hun, I do. It's sort of amusing, and sometimes they have some good stuff on it. Natalie: Exactly! But not lately. Kristen: No, not lately, I think Vince is losing it. Natalie (giggles): Yeah I think so too. Uhh... (looks a bit nervous)... do you like Trish Stratus? Kristen: No, I think she's a bimbo. Natalie (sighs in relief): Phew, I'm glad! I don't like her either! Kristen: I think Stacy and Torrie are hot though! I'd love to see them in bed together! (winks) Natalie (giggling again): That would be absolutely amazing! I totally agree with you! I think they should be the top WWE superstars! (suddenly from behind them) Voice: Did somebody say WWE SUPERSTAR?!?!? Together: who the hell? (they turn around to see The Rock) Rock: IF YOU SMELLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKINNNNNNNN!!!! (they both cover their ears from the noise) Kristen: Is that REALLY neccesary? Rock: The Rock believes that it is neccesary honey because the Rock must always and the Rock MEANS ALWAYS have his catchphrases heard around the world so that the millions AND MILLIONS of the Rock's fans can chant his name! (The Rock stops to listen to the cheers but doesn't hear a thing except for a loud booing coming from a certain house in Thornhill, Ontario) Kristen: Well done Rocky. What are you doing here? Rock: The Rock is here to promote his latest movie, The Lizard King! Natalie: That's a dumb name for a movie. Rock: The Rock will not stand around and be insulted! He has better things to do! Kristen: Like picking up your big fat WWE paycheck for not doing anything? Rock: The Rock will have you know that The Rock is the greatest WWE wrestler the world has EVER SEEN and he lives and breathes and bleeds WWE! He is loyal ONLY to WWE! He cares more about WWE than he does care about himself! The Rock LOVES WWE! (suddenly a man walks up to the Rock) Man: Say Rocky, I have here on your itinerary that you plan on taking that vacation to Barbados in January, should I tell Vince you're working on another movie? (Rock looks a bit embarressed and nods and the guy goes away) Rock: As I was saying, THE ROCK LOVES WWE... (Kristen and Natalie glare at him) ...just not at this moment. Kristen: Alll... rightty then... I think we should be off. Rock: Whoa whoa whoa WHOAA!!!! Kristen (glares at him): You know that's very annoying and not the least bit funny. Rock: The Rock would appreciate it if you don't interrupt The Rock's catchphrases got that... Kristen (sounding bored): Jabroni, yeah yeah. Rock (angry): What did The Rock just say!? (calms down) Maybe you ladies would like The Rock to show you a good time! You know The Rock really loves pie and you two fine ladies look like you've got some nice pie! (Kristen rolls her eyes) Rock: The Rock has some nice strudel for you to try too! Wouldn't you girls like to try some strudel!? Kristen: Yeah right, sure... look Rocky, why do you have to use all these baked goods to hide your potty mouth? Rock: Well, the Rock happens to find baked goods highly erotic! Did the Rock ever tell you about his experience with Chocolate Covered Poptarts? It all started when The Rock woke up and realized that he was aching for some pasteries, but not his stomach aching mind you, but down there where it... Kristen: STOP STOP STOP!!! Okay okay! I'm sorry I asked! Rock (grinning): So wouldn't you like to try some of my strudel, it's big and it'll fill you both up! (he pats his crotch where a large cylindrical object can be seen). Natalie: K.. Kristen can we please leave, he's freaking me out! Kristen: Yeah good idea, we should probably g... (she stares at the outline of the Rock's "strudel" which is starting to slip a bit lower and is obviously not connected to his body and is starting to slide slowly down his pant leg). (Rock doesn't know this and thinks Kristen is just obsessed with his groin) Rock (proudly): Yeah, you like it don't you! The Rock has really got some strudel doesn't he? Whoa boy! It's got a life of it's own doesn't it? Kristen (trying not to laugh): It certainly does. (Rock begins to realize something is up and looks down and sees it slipping even further down his pants, the outline is more of a banana than anything else) Rock: If you ladies will just give The Rock a second. (Rock quickly turns around and pushes something back up to his groin then turns back) Rock: As the Rock was saying... Kristen: Why do you talk like that? Rock: Talk like what? Kristen: In the third person, ALL THE TIME. Don't you remember how to talk in first person? (Rock looks to be deep in thought trying to remember a time when he talked in the first person and suddenly he looks shocked and scared) Rock: Th.. The... Rock doesn't remember how!!! Natalie: You mean even at home with Mrs. Johnson you talk like this? Rock: Mrs... Mrs... Johnson? Natalie: Your wife? Rock: The Rock has a wife? Kristen: Yeah you're Dwayne Johnson! You're MARRIED! Rock: Dwayn... Dwayne Johnson? The Rock has no idea who that is! The Rock doesn't know what you'r.... (suddenly The Rock shakes a bit and his demeanor changes completely and he's very panicky) Help! Help me!!! You've GOT TO HELP ME!!! The Rock is taking over!! I can't stop him! I'm trying but he's in total control of my body! Help m... (suddenly he changes back) e talking about! The Rock thinks that you two girls must be insane! The Rock doesn't know any.... (changes again) HELP ME!!! Vince didn't like my Flex Kavana character so he overwrote my braincells!! Please you've got to help! You've got to!! You can't let this end here!!! Glen Jacobs is in the same fix! It's all Levesques fault!! He's not what he pretends to be! You've got to help me!!! Levesques a space alien with mind control powers! You can't let him take overr!! No, The Rock is coming back! I can't stop him anymore!!! TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HERRRRRR!!!!!! (his voice fades away and Rock is back in control of his body) As the Rock was saying... hey why are you two staring at the Rock like that? Kristen: Uhh... No reason. Rock: As the Rock was saying... hey where do you think you two are going? Kristen: Away from you. C'mon Nat! (they hold hands and start backing away) Rock: No! Pay attention to The Rock! Please!!! The Rock needs your continued support! Pay attention TO THE ROCK!!! (they turn around and start running off) Rock: No!!!!!!! Come BACK!!! THE ROCK NEEDS HIS MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF FANS!! HE NEEDS THEM!!!! (they run off into the crowd and dissapear) Rock: Girls? Girls? Anyone?? (meekly) Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Jabroni? Whoa? Hello? Is anybody paying attention to the Rock? Anybody? (dead silence) (The Rock looks sad) Rock: The Rock is lonely. (back to our dynamic duo who have escaped into the crowd) Natalie: Is it just me or are we running into every conceivable perv in existence? (suddenly former US President Bill Clinton walks out of the crowd) Kristen: It's not just you. Bill: Hey ladies, wanna get together with a former President of the United States? I'll let you smoke my cigar. Kristen: Uhh... no we don't smoke. Bill (winking and looking at them lewdly): Neither do I. Kristen: Uhhh yeah... Bill: C'mon, you know I was President for two terms! That's the maximum allowed under Federal law. Natalie: We know. Bill: C'mon don't you want to be with a man who can sit through Al Gore's vacation stories? Kristen: Natalie let's go. (they start to leave again) Bill: No wait! Don't go! I haven't told you about how I had the presidential bed booby trapped to explode under sexual duress just in case The Republicans ever came back into power! It's just a matter of time until George Jr. gets his hands on my secret stash of Viagra and blows himself to kingdom come!!! No come back!!! (Kristen and Natalie run off once again) Bill (sighs): Oh well, they weren't really my type anyway. (suddenly he sees Roseanne walk by) Bill: Hot Mama! Now THAT'S a woman! (he goes after her) Bill: Hey beautiful, do you smoke cigars? (back to our our lovely lesbians) Natalie: Maybe we should leave. Kristen: That's an awesome idea Nat. We could go back to my hotel room, to hell with the press and we could make sweet sweet passionate love to each other. Natalie: Ooh, I like it when you talk like that Kris. (smiles) (suddenly they run into a couple of pretty trashy looking girls) Barbara Bush: Hi girls, do you wanna get drunk? Jenna Bush: Yeah, do you wanna get drunk? Kristen: We don't drink. Jenna Bush: You should. Do you wanna get drunk? Barbara Bush: It's fun! Do you wanna get drunk? Natalie: No, it's okay. Barbara Bush: But we'd have so much more fun if we get drunk! Do you wanna get drunk? Jenna Bush: Yeah, do you wanna get drunk? Kristen: For the last time no! Barbara Bush: But...... do you wanna get drunk? Natalie: Don't you say anything else? Jenna Bush (giggling): We only know so many words. Barbara Bush (also giggling): Increasing our wordiness hurts our brains, and daddy tells us that brains are not important. Kristen: Uhh... yeah... maybe you should go back to him. Jenna Bush (giggling some more): We want to, but we're lost. Kristen: Lost? This is just one big room! There are 4 exits! Barbara Bush (giggling of course): Four is a big number. I can't count that high. I prefer simple, fun numbers like one and two. Three is a little scary. Jenna Bush: Yeah, we don't like three. Natalie: So what are you going to do? Jenna Bush: We'll just wait here and daddy will rescue us! He's probably already got the whole national guard looking for us! Barbara Bush: Yeah daddy ALWAYS knows what to do! (to the White House!) (George Dubya, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and John Ashcroft are in his office) Dubya: Where are my daughters!? Colin: We have no idea sir. Dubya: Well aren't you trying to find them? Colin: No sir we aren't. Dubya: Why not!? Colin: Well honestly sir... we've never liked them. Dubya: What? But they're MY daughters!!! Colin: We've never really liked you either. Dubya: But I'm your friend!! Aren't I Dick? Cheney: I call a lot of people friend, you, your wife, various generals, police officers, John over there (points to Ashcroft) Ashcroft: Hey! Cheney: Quiet. The point is sir, we just need somebody to take the blame for our asinine policies. I mean, if one of us actually sat in the big chair people would begin to suspect that we just want to blow up the world, but you? Quite honestly sir, you're stupid enough that people will actually believe that these policies have nothing to do with anything and everything is just because you're an idiot. (They break out laughing) Ashcroft: Yeah... I mean, as if somebody would actually attack Iraq because they think Saddam's a threat! (more laughter) I mean.. seriously... SADDAM!!! (more laughter) He doesn't have the weapons to blow himself out of a paper bag!!! Dubya: But.. but... I thought we were safeguarding American lives! I thought we were fighting the good fight! (They laugh even harder) Cheney: Safeguarding American lives? (laughs harder and harder) We're THROWING AWAY AMERICAN LIVES!!! Fighting the good fight??? (laughing again) Hell we just want to start a big ass nuclear war and blow this mother-f'in planet straight to hell!!! Dubya: But... but... but why? Ashcroft (trying to contain his laughter): Because we CAN! (they break out laughing again) Colin (wipes tears from his eyes): Man, you're too much George. You're just too much. Cheney: Do you know what the best part is? Dubya: What? Cheney (smiling because he's about to laugh again): Whatever happens, the only person people will want to kill... IS YOU!!!! (all 3 grown men in suits fall down on the carpet and are rolling around in laughter) Dubya: Stop that! Stop it! I'm going to call the Secret Service and have you all arrested! Didn't you think of that? Cheney: We're betting you don't know their number. Dubya: Wha.. ga... well... well... well... I can... I can call the main operator! Ha! Colin: We're betting you don't know how to use the phone. Dubya: What are you talking about? You just grab it and press some buttons! Like this! Ashcroft: Sir, that's a calculator. Dubya: Wha? I know that!!! I know a milk machine when I see one! Colin: Calculators aren't milk machines sir. (they break out laughing again) Dubya: Stop it! STOP IT!!! I'm the leader! I'm a good strong leader! A GOOD STRONG LEADER!! STOP IT STOP IT!!! (they keep laughing but start heading out the door) Colin: Whatever you say sir. (Suddenly Dubya looks scared) Dubya: No! Don't go! Don't leave me alone! I'm scared!!! (they stop and look at him) Dubya: Please don't go! Don't leave me alone! I was left alone once! It was during a football game! I was watching it on TV and suddenly my wife left and I was all alone and she didn't tell me to chew so I forgot and my pretzel got caught in my throat and I was so scared and then I fell down and I bumped my head and please please please don't leave me alone! I'll be a good boy I promise!!! Colin (sighs and looks at Cheney): What's his mental age again? Ashcroft: I'd say he's just entering his terrible twos. (Cheney looks at him and points down with his finger) Ashcroft: Lower? (Cheney nods) Colin: Mother of God. Ashcroft: Where did they find him? Cheney: Nobody knows. Ashcroft: What's the word again for a person who has the mind of a child? Colin: Moron? Ashcroft: Yeah that's it. Those crazy canucks got it right didn't they? Cheney: Yep. Ashcroft: Man, those Canadians crack me up. Should we ever tell them that their government in fact runs ours? Colin: Why bother? They'd still find some way to put themselves down. Cheney: Man people are so stupid. I love it!!! It's almost a shame to destroy the world so soon when we're having so much fun! Colin (grinning): Almost a shame. Cheney: Yep, almost. Ashcroft: So how much time we got left? Cheney: Well it should be a few more... (back to the gala) (Kristen and Natalie leave the Bush twins to their own devices and continue on their way) Voice: hey ladies won't you pose for a picture with me! (They turn around to see the current leader of the Federal Progressive Conservatives) Joe Clark: Hey! Don't you want to have your pictures taken with Joe Clark? Natalie: Who? Joe Clark: C'mon you know me! I'm Joe Clark! Kristen: Who? Joe Clark: You know... Joe Clark... I'm the leader of the PCs? Kristen: The Canadian PCs? Joe Clark: YES! Kristen: I'm Canadian and I've never heard of you. Joe Clark: ARGH!!!! But I was Prime Minister!! I beat Trudeau! Kristen: I've heard of Trudeau but I have no idea who you are. Joe Clark: I was Prime Minister after him! Kristen: John Turner was PM after Trudeau. Joe Clark: No BEFORE Turner! Kristen: You mean Trudeau. Joe Clark: No after Trudeau BEFORE Turner. Kristen (looks really confused): Chretien? Joe Clark: No I'm the guy who fought him on the political stage! Kristen: You don't look like Rene Levesque. Joe Clark: NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I beat him! Kristen: Wait, I vaguely remember him losing an election and then winning another one soon after. Joe Clark: YES THAT WAS ME! I BEAT HIM! Kristen: You? No.... Joe Clark: No that was me! IT WAS ME!!! I was Prime Minister for a spell! Kristen: You were? Well I guess if Mulroney, Campbell and Turner could hold the seat, they'd let just about anyone in. Joe Clark: Hey! I'll have you know that I was a DARN GOOD PM!!! Kristen: Uh huh... so HOW many terms did you hold it for? Joe Clark: That's not the point... Kristen: I don't think I heard you... Joe Clark: Uhh... I think I should... Kristen: How many? Joe Clark: Well length of service isn't really importa.. Kristen: As I recall.. Trudeau when.. okay so.. that calculates out to be... Joe Clark: OKAY OKAY!!! NINE MONTHS!! ALL RIGHT?? I WAS IN POWER FOR NINE MONTHS!!! (suddenly out of the blue a British voice blurts out) British Voice: Did somebody say Nine Months? That was an excellent movie if I do say so myself. Kristen: Who the hell are you? British Voice: Why, I'm Hugh Grant. Natalie: How come we can't see you? Hugh Grant: I'm actually just the British accent. Kristen: What? Hugh Grant: Yes, I'm actually nothing more than an accent. It's a secret though, so we'll just keep it between the 3 of us okay? (The girls nod) Joe Clark: Hey! What about me? I'm still here! Hugh Grant: Did you just hear something? Kristen: No. Hugh Grant: I thought not. (Joe Clark fades away into nothingness) Kristen: So you're just an accent? Hugh Grant: That's right. Natalie: And nobody's noticed? Hugh Grant: I've never had a problem with it before. Kristen: You haven't? Hugh Grant: No. You'd be surprised how much women like the accent. I mean, I can't act, I don't even have a body, and yet they continiously think I'm one of the sexiest men alive and keep showing up to watch my movies! It's absolutely wonderful! (Suddenly Natalie is bumped into by something invisible) Natalie: Hey! Was that you Hugh? Hugh Grant: No. I have no body remember? Natalie: Then who was that? Hugh Grant: Dalton McGuinty. Natalie and Kristen: Who's Dalton McGuinty? Hugh Grant: Exactly. (Kristen checks her watch) Kristen: Uh yeah, okay, it was very nice meeting you Mr. Grant but we really ought to be going. Your movies suck by the way, just thought you'd like to know. (they run off) Kristen: Okay, I don't think I could take much more of this. I say we check out of here now Nat. Natalie: I totally agree. Lead the way Kris. (they're almost at the exit when they run into the guy who played Anakin Skywalker in Episode 2) Guy who played Anakin Skywalker in Episode 2: Hey Nat! Long time no see! Natalie: Uh.. yeah hi... what was your name again? Uhh.. Hans Christian Anderson? Something like that? Kristen: Yeah, didn't you also write some book about a dam that needs to be plugged by a finger? Guy who played Anakin Skywalker in Episode 2: NO!!! My name's Hayden Christiansen!!! Natalie: Oh right! I remember you from somewhere don't I? Hayden: We acted together! Natalie: Did we? Hayden: YES! We were in Episode 2 together!!! Natalie (confused): I don't believe they ever made a 2nd episode of Where the Heart Is. Hayden: No! STAR WARS EPISODE TWO!!!! Natalie: Was I in that? Hayden: YES!!! WE WERE CO-STARS!!! Natalie: Were we? Sorry, I block out all the bad movies I was in, it's less painful that way. Hayden: Try to remember! Natalie: I vaguely remember something about bad hair. Hayden: Yes that's it! Keep thinking about that! Natalie: Why would I want to keep thinking about bad hair? Hayden: Because then you'll remember me! Natalie: Did you have bad hair? Hayden: NO!! YOU HAD BAD HAIR!!! Natalie: Why would I want to remember me having bad hair? Hayden: Because then you'll think about me! Natalie: Did you give me bad hair? Hayden: No! NO!!! STOP IT STOP IT!!! Fine FINE FINE!!! Umm... do you remember anything about that movie? Natalie: More or less. Hayden: Do you remember our love scenes? Natalie: We had love scenes? Hayden: YES! Don't you remember them? Natalie: If I had love scenes with YOU (looks at him up and down) I'd have to say I'd probably have stored them away in the painful memories section. Painful and ugly. Hayden: What? I don't get it. Are you saying something bad about me? Natalie (sighs): No Hayden. Hayden: I thought not. If you were insulting me, I would have gotten it! Aside from being an excellent actor (Kristen coughs) I'm also a very sharp white! Kristen: I think you mean wit. Hayden: Shut up! I know what I mean! Kristen: If you say so. Hayden: C'mon Natalie don't you remember? Don't you want to see my lightsaber again? Natalie: You know Hayden, we never had a SEX scene. Hayden: Yeah, but we did in my mind! Natalie: Not in mine. Hayden: But still, didn't we have fun when we romped on those huge beasts? Natalie: Hayden, they were trolleys, the beasts were added in later. Hayden: But still! Didn't we have fun?!? And when you saw me levitate that fruit! You were so shocked! Natalie: I was acting Hayden, I know you don't know what that means, but I was FAKING IT! Hayden: But... wasn't it still cool? You know... when I... when I lifted it??? When it was floating? Natalie: Hayden, we were acting to a green screen. We acted that entire movie to a green screen!!! It was one of the dumbest projects I ever agreed to do! Why won't SOMEBODY just ADMIT THAT GEORGE LUCAS IS ACTUALLY DEAD AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE MOVIES IN HIS NAME!!! And you weren't actually lifting ANYTHING!!! The fruit didn't exist!!! Hayden: But it did in my mind!! IT DID IN MY MIND!!!! Please go out with me!! Please!! I love you so much!!! Please Padme!! Natalie: I'm NATALIE!!! Hayden: But you'll always be Padme in my heart!!! I'll even turn to the Dark Side for you! I'll do anything!! Why can't I have you why??? It's all Obi-Wans fault!!! He's HOLDING ME BACK!!!! (Suddenly Hayden pulls his belt off and his pants fall down but he doesn't seem to mind because he thinks that his belt is a lightsabre and he starts waving it around, and he sees Ewan McGregor walking by and charges at him and tries to leap over a table but he doesn't really have force powers so he trips and breaks every bone in his body and he gets taken away and the doctors tell him he'll need a cast but he demands to have a complex breathing apparatus and a big dark suit to encase his body, he also demands for James Earl Jones to talk for him) (Ewan, looking confused walks by) Ewan: Hey Nat, what was that about. Natalie: No idea. Ewan: So wanna go out with me? Natalie: No. Ewan: Okay. (Ewan shrugs and just keeps walking) (Kristen grabs Nat by the hand and tugs her out of the building. They get into a waiting limo and go back to their hotel room where they engage in some passionate love-making) To be continued with Kristen and Natalie at the Hockey Game... Disclaimer: This story is purely fictional. Obviously this is completely unofficial and has nothing to do with the REAL lives and REAL personalities of the people involved. If you don't like it, go away. I can be reached at a_resolute@yahoo.com