The Tomb Raider



WARNING, the following is a erotic story if you for some reason,
(legal, cultural, divine) is not allowed to read such filth make
sure you don't get caught now or stop reading until it is safe.



Story Codes: Parody.

Synopsis:
This is a parody on the all below mentioned characters (and the
kind of stories that usually is written about them). All rights
Lara Croft belonged to Edios when i wrote this long ago, I hvae
no idea who has them now, probably EA since they pretty much own
the entier computer game industry by now.
This story contains no plot and only mentions sex. If you’re
offended by such stories keep looking and im sure you will find
something hardcore enough for your taste. This story has a PG-13
rating.
This is just a feeble attempt of bad humor. No skeleton were hurt
during the writing. After all they’re just bones so they have no
nerves.

For comments, praise, gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh or
naugthy suggestions; please see the file Feedback.....

Enjoy!
Scytha

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The Tomb Raider

While raiding a tomb Lara Croft has just been captured by two
skeleton warriors.

Skeleton 1: Got you now, Beeatch!
Skeleton 2: Yeah, got you!
Lara: Let me go you anorectic oafs.
Sk 1: I don’t think so.
Sk 2: Yeah, talk to the Hand cause the ears ain’t listening!
Lara: What?
Sk 1: What?
Sk 2: What what?
Sk 1: What what what?
Sk 2: What do you mean what what what?
Sk 1: I didn’t. You started it!
Sk 2: WHAT?
Lara: Will you two shut the hell up already!
Sk 1: Um, sorry.
Sk 2: Sorry.
Sk 1: Now, where were we?
Lara: You two had captured me. I demanded to be released and you
      two refused.
Sk 1: Right.
Sk 2. Right.
Sk 1: Let’s see now. It’s your turn.
Lara: What?
Sk 2: Hey, She started it!
Lara & Sk 1: SHUT UP!
Lara: What do you mean it’s my turn.
Sk 1: It’s your turn to do or say something. Look, we caught you.
      Then you protested. Then
      We refused. So now, it’s your turn.
Lara: Oh, right.  So what should I do, break every bone in your
      bodies? Get it, break every bone in your bodies!
Sk 1: No.
Sk 2: No.
Lara: Never mind. Well, should I destroy you and escape?
Sk 1: No no. That comes much later. Now you will only make futile
      attempts to escape. Otherwise it’s customary to demand to know what we  
      will do to you.
Lara: I see. Is that it or is there anything else?
Sk 1: I'm not sure. Do you know if there anything else she could
      do?
Sk 2: Are you talking to me. How strange because I have a strong
      memory of someone telling me to shut up. I’m shutting up. I'm not   
      talking to you.
Sk 1: Geesh, over 3000 years of stalking and killing tomb raiders
      and just look what I have to put up with. Never mind him. Let’s just 
      continue.
Lara. Right. Let’s see. What are you going to do with me?!
Sk 1: First we gonna rape you and then we’ll kill you.
Sk 2: Yeah, kill you.
Lara: How?
Sk 1: Generally he push you down on your knees while holding your
      arms. Then I’ll just take this scimitar and chop off your head
      while remembering to keep my spine straight and bending my left
      knee a little and to follow the stroke all the way through.
Sk 2: Maybe straighten your grip a bit too and move your thumb a
      little. That should give you more force.
Sk 1: You think so?
Sk 2: Yeah, I’ll…
Lara: No, I meant how are you going to rape me?
Sk 1: The usual way.
Lara: What usual way?
Sk 1: Well, you see. When a man loves a woman he sometimes puts
      his wee-wee in her honey-pot.
Sk 2: Yeah, and sometimes the woman take his wee-wee in her mouth
      like a lollipop or the man will put his wee-wee in her doo-doo hole.
Sk 1: And that's what we’ll do but without the love.
Lara: I know how a rape done. After all I am an experienced tomb
      raider, having raidedhundreds of tombs and are a prominent member of the
      Royal Female Tomb Raider Society. So I do have certain standards, you  
      know. I know what’s expected of me. And let me tell you it ain’t always 
      so easy either. Try raiding a dusty Irish Barrow where the only way to  
      find something wanting to get in to my pants is to wait for the
      village pub to close.
Sk 1: I sympathize with you, I really do.
Sk 2: Now I get. Break every bone in your bodies. Ha ha. That’s
      real funny, that is.
Sk 1: Just ignore him. I have the last 3000 years.
Lara: Anyway, what I mean was how can you rape me? Isn’t your
      equipment just a wee bit inadequate.
Sk 1: That’s not a nice thing to say!
Sk 2: Yeah!
Sk 1: We might not be so well endowed as many others but that’s
      no reason to go ahead and mock us.
Sk 2: Yeah, besides size don’t matter.
Sk 1: We have feelings too. Just because your butt might be a
      bit, what shall we say, enlarged, we don’t tell you that you have a big 
      fat butt to your face.
Sk 2: Yeah, Huge!
Lara: There is nothing wrong with my butt. I work out. I know
      it’s not as small as it could be but it’s not above average.
Sk 1: I didn’t mean it. You have a fine butt though you might
      want to consider firming it up a little bit.
Sk 2: Yeah, or drop a couple of pounds from each buttock.
Sk 1: But now you know how hurting those kinds of remarks can be.
Lara: Fine. You don’t have small dicks. In fact you don’t have
      any dicks at ALL!
Sk 1: What do you mean?
Lara: You are skeletons for Christ sake! You’re all bones. You
      don’t have any dicks so how can you rape me?
Sk 1: We do have dicks.
Sk 2: Yeah, and no matter what you might have heard they’re big.
      Huge in fact.
Lara: No, you don’t. Look for yourself. Look!
Sk 1: Oh, you’re right. How disappointing.
Sk 2: Damn!
Sk 1: Yeah, you said it, damn!
Lara: In fact, how can you talk? You don’t have any tongues or
      vocal cords.
Sk 1: …
Sk 2: …
Lara: You shouldn’t even be able to stand or move without the
      help of muscles and tendons holding up the skeleton.
Sk 1: !!!
Sk 2: !!!
Lara: It’s always so sad seeing men fall to pieces like that. And
      they were such nice blokes too. It’s funny though, I used to think   
      rhetoric was such a drag in school and here I just defeated two   
      skeleton warriors without so much as a karate chop. Never mind. I better
      get moving. I’ve been down here for hours with out meeting any good   
      monsters. But what can you expect in a tomb whose idea of a labyrinth
      is a place where you can’t get lost as long as you remember to always   
      turn left. 
      Oh, look. There is a minotaur. And he’s hung like a bull! Which is   
      perfectly logical when you think about it. Oh, here comes some 
      Goatmen. Goody, I couldn’t look the girls back home at R.F.T.R.S in   
      the eyes without them knowing that I’ve been humiliated and sexual
      abused. After all, I do have a reputation to uphold.