Andrew Roller Presents
C O M I C U P D A T E
FREE! Internet Edition May 12, 1995
R E V I E W S
by Andrew Roller
Topical Studies #10, $2.00. Digest, text with illustrations. Rick
Howe, 1302 22nd Street, Apartment A, Columbus, GA 31901.
Rick Howe publishes little booklets for unborn librarians and Ph.d.
candidates. The reason I say this is because I think his Topical
Studies zine (his most recent circular), will be a highly prized small
press item in 100 years or so. Real thoughts by a real person (a fast
food fry cook), conscientiously presented. This is the sort of
Americana that historians really appreciate. Plus in his latest issue
Rick confesses to raping a minor (pg. 28), so even the purely prurient
among you should want a copy.
I will wind up leaving Topical Studies #10 at the bus stop,
however, as I am (annoyingly) not mentioned in this issue (again). Did
you know that bus stops make great display places for your zines? The
bus stops around here have a strip of metal along the base of the
bench's back. (The side of the bench back which faces toward you as
you sit down on it, of course.) I can slip the bottom of a zine into the
metal strip. This allows the zine to stand up, and it keeps it from
blowing away. I find it very interesting to place a zine out at the bus
stop and see how long it remains there before someone picks it up and
carries it off. Some zines wind up on the grass and lay there for days.
Even the bums don't want them. I would say that the homemade-comics
zines are very poorly received, while music and movie titles seem to go
quite quickly.
As you can see I am once again equipped with a computer. A word
to the destitute: there is a major department store in your area that
will (foolishly) loan you tons of money to buy the name brand products
in their store. Yes, you too can afford a computer. There is no excuse
to publish crap that looks like Self Publisher! anymore.
A postscript: I wrote the above about nine months ago, although
it had not been published until today. Rick Howe has since come out
with another Topical Studies, his most outstanding issue yet. I have
also been doing more research out at the bus stop. I placed some small
press material out there recently, along with some professionally
produced newsletters by the nationally known Joe Bob Briggs (reviewed
in the May 10th Update). You know what? The small press material
(xeroxed home-made comics) got picked up, while Joe Bob languished,
eventually winding up ignominiously underneath and behind the bench.
No doubt he was eventually picked up...by an illiterate Mexican
gardener-dude tossing him into the trash.
Sam and Marty #0, $1.50. Odd-sized, large comic. Paul Quinn, 80
Hamilton Street, Unit 4, Waterdown, Ontario, CANADA LOR 2H6.
Review: ÒOh, Zack!! I want to feel your hot breath apon (sic) my
bosom!!!Ó cries Samantha Saphire (pg. 8). (This is one of the comics
that got picked up very quickly when I left it out at the bus stop.)
Samantha is being courted by a vampire in this issue, one Marty Bishop,
of whom we are told, ÒItÕs been eight hundred and twenty-seven years
since heÕs said or heard the words, ÒI love you (pg. 1).Ó (When he last
got laid is anyoneÕs guess).
Although I couldnÕt quite bring myself to read the story, the
artwork is good for a small press comic. The ladies are well drawn and
their bosoms vividly portrayed, both with and without bras. Paul seems
to go in for the weight-lifter type in women. His men always seem
dwarfed by their female lovers. Perhaps this is in the R. Crumb
tradition, IÕm not sure, as IÕm a little too young to be properly aware of
CrumbÕs work and my only small press source in this matter is now
dead.
The black areas in this zine are excellent, not washed out, as
often happens in xeroxed zines. Blacks are used with dramatic effect
in the portrayal of SamanthaÕs lacy black bra, and in a starry-night
graveyard scene, dominated by a black-cloaked Darth Vader dude. This
is a nicely drawn comic, an excellent buy if you want to get a good
picture of what a Òsmall press comicÓ looks like.
C O M I C U P D A T E S T O R I E S
The Fading Universe
Part Two
by Andrew Roller
Chapter Two
Marvin blinked the sleep from his eyes and was about to suppress
a yawn with his hand when he discovered that his wrists were bound
behind his back.
"Damn! I'm a sex slave," Marvin said.
Elsa came into focus. She was lying several feet from Marvin, her
wrists and ankles bound with rope.
"Wait a fuckin' minute! Don't tell me I'm Frankie's sex slave!"
Marvin yelled.
Marvin's shout was greeted with laughter. Suddenly he noticed
dozens of absinthe eyes peering down at him. Marvin rolled from his
side onto his back.
"Oh. Hullo," Marvin said calmly to the mutants who were crowded
around him, as an icy chill ran down his spine.
A desperate cry pierced the air. Marvin could make out Perry's
voice screaming for mercy.
"They're castrating him!" Elsa shrieked to Marvin.
"No!" Marvin yelled, sitting bolt upright, wrestling with his bonds.
Strong hands seized him, thrust him back onto the dirt. In a rage of
blind fury, Marvin struggled against the mutants, twisting to and fro,
but they held him fast.
"Ha! Ha! Ha! You're next," they jeered. Marvin's eyes gaped wide
as Perry's bloodcurdling screams shattered the silence of the tunnels.
Perspiration streaked his brow and blurred his vision. The mutant's
stinking breath filled his nostrils. Marvin gave a violent kick and one
of the mutants toppled backward with a gasp. Suddenly a sharp pain
blazed through Marvin's skull and his world went pitch black.
###
Marvin felt a wetness between his legs. He wrenched himself
upright as a vision of a bloody crotch shot through his mind. He looked
down to find Elsa licking his testicles with her tongue. She glanced up
at him.
"You nearly lost these. I figure I'd better appreciate them while I
can," Elsa said.
Marvin's memory of the leering mutants, with their shrunken
heads, rippling membranous gills, and massive forearms, faded upon a
bare cinderblock prison cell.
Footsteps came echoing down the hall. Elsa hurriedly zipped up
Marvin's trousers, whispering, "We're in the city slammer. The cops
who were sent out after us found us just as the mutants were
castrating Perry."
"Then he's O.K.?"
"No. He's lost his testicles."
Marvin gasped.
A police sergeant appeared outside the prison door.
"Well, I see you finally woke up," the sergeant said to Marvin. "I
guess you could say the city cops saved your balls, boy. Saved 'em for
the electric chair. Too bad about your leader, though. That's what you
get when you double-cross the mutants."
The sergeant chuckled and was about to continue when a blast of
mortar fire rumbled through the prison. For a moment the sergeant
stood stock still, then he regained his composure and said, "Hear that?
We got a war on our hands, folks. Some damn army who I never even
heard of before is attacking the city. But don't you worry, we'll have
everything under control shortly. So if you've got any thoughts of
escapin', forget it. And don't try creating a disturbance either, or I'll
shoot the lot of you."
With that the sergeant turned and hurried off. Marvin looked
quizzically at Elsa.
"A lot has happened since we struck camp last night," she said.
"I'll say," Marvin replied. "I can understand mutants sneaking up
on us while we were sleeping. They've been after us ever since Perry
pulled a fast one on them seven months ago. But what's this about a
war? Has San Diego attacked again?"
"Not San Diego. Some city no one ever knew existed, named
Alameda, from far, far away. But that's not the worst of it. The
insects have finally attacked."
The insects. Desert beetles. Cockroaches, really, except they fed
on human flesh. Periodically the city would be attacked by hordes of
mindless beetles, swarming up from distant corridors in a seasonal
migration toward some unknown destination. The city's police would
don polyurethane suits, masks, and cylindrical tanks with hoses to
fight off the ravenous beetles with poison gas.
"The Alameda army attacked the city early this morning," Elsa
continued. "Within an hour or two they had captured the suburbs. They
were making rapid progress toward the city's center when, suddenly,
the insects attacked."
"I'll bet that surprised them. Do they have insects in that place,
whatever it's called, Amalthea?" Marvin asked.
"Alameda. The story is Alameda's insects don't eat people. These
beetles caught the Alameda army totally unawares."
"Good for them," Marvin chuckled.
"Now the Alameda army is trapped inside the city, with the cops
before them and the insects at their backs," Elsa concluded.
"Sounds pretty hairy, huh, Marv?" Flaherty asked, his words
obscured slightly by a mouthful of potato chips. "This prison is
probably the safest place we could be right now."
Frankie and Harrigan exchanged glances, their eyes drifting down
toward each other's genitals.
"Where's Perry right now?" Marvin asked Elsa.
"The prison hospital."
Marvin was about to inquire into Perry's prospects for recovery
when shouting erupted at the far end of the hall. Marvin walked over to
the door of the cell and peered out. Apparently something had thrown
the policemen on duty into turmoil. Marvin strained to catch what they
were saying but he couldn't make it out.
Marvin had just gone and sat down again beside Elsa when the
police sergeant appeared outside their cell.
"Well, son, you're not going to be electrocuted," he said to Marvin.
The policeman was obviously intent on saying something to Marvin, but
instead of continuing he looked distractedly up and down the hallway,
fingering his cap all the while, which he held in his pudgy hands. He
shouted to a partner running through the offices at the end of the hall,
but failed to catch the man's attention. Finally he said, "The mayor
betrayed the city. All of our poison gas has been rendered impotent.
You lousy bastards are going to get devoured by the beetles!" The
sergeant let out a manic laugh. Marvin jumped up and lunged at the
door. He seized the prison bars and shook them.
"You gotta let us out!" Marvin yelled.
The policeman tossed a pocket-size portable television into the
cell.
"Here, you can watch the latest reports on your impending doom,"
the sergeant said. With that he scurried off down the hall, leaving
Marvin to shout after his retreating footsteps.
Elsa turned on the television.
"It's reported that the mayor made a plot with San Diego several
months ago," an announcer intoned. "The Chief of Police says he saw
the mayor leave the city as soon as it was learned that the insects
were attacking. Chief Pallock told Newsvision that he attempted to
stop the mayor but was unsuccessful."
"A bug!" Flaherty screamed. He leapt up, spilling his potato chips,
as a lone cockroach scurried across the prison floor.
"Stomp on it!" Frankie yelled.
Flaherty shrank fearfully against the wall of the cell as Frankie
and Harrigan bombarded the cockroach with a flurry of footstomps.
"We gotta get out of here," Marvin said worriedly.
ATTENTION!!! ATTENTION!!! ATTENTION!!!
by ian shires
This is to announce the very first issue on computer of my famous Self
Publisher! newspaper. There will be a duty of every of every small presser
to support this zine, because I intend to review EVERYONE when I get
around to it and because I want to be rich and famuos some day and will be
working as the head of Marvel comics or better yet...as the head of the
international DIMESTORE company with low-priced comics designed to
serve the pocektbooks of even the poorest readers at only $5.95 each.
Now there is a very simple, easy way for you to support this zine:
SEND ME ADS!!!! for only $8.00 I will type your ad into this internet zine.
THis will be the cost of a full-page ad. I will make sure it takes up a
whole ÒpageÓ in my zine and people will have to scroll through it in order
to get to the great, juicy reviews that lie beyond. So send me money
TODAY to make this happen for you in your life and for your publishing
company.
Now there must be guidelines regarding these ads because you know
we have some people in our small press who might try to get away with
something, known as ANDREW ROLLER! You never know what he might try
to advertise, or more specifically HOW he might try to advertise it.
NO NUDITY!!! No lining up those little dots and commas and shit in order to
create a nude woman!!! (or someone younger!) Also,
NO SWEAR WORDS!! This includes printing ÒnormalÓ words in an offensive
manner, such as ÒNAKED CHILDREN!Ó This will not be allowed in my
publication, and for good reason, because we all remember in 1987 when
Roller was visited by the F.B.I.!
I have struggled mightily to bring you the verry best in small press
news, reviews and entertainment, publishing at least once every other
year since 1986, this despite my lifelong affliction with dyslexia. This
despite the fact that when I am earning a million dollars at Marvel
someday they will hand me my check and it will look to me as if it reads
000000000.1¢
How I have suffered to continue on with this great tradition of self-
publishing. My wife left me, my basement office flooded, and my parents
forced me to move out of the house! Yet I have toiled on, to bring you the
very finest publication known to man and woman. SEND YOUR MONEY RIGHT
AWAY!
Ian Shires, President, Chairman, CEO--DIMESTORE STORIES
# # #
Marvin sat musing. Elsa sat next to him, hunched over, watching
the television as it went through an endless litany of repeating news
clips. Nearby Frankie and Harrigan stood guard against the occasional
cockroach that appeared inside their prison cell. Flaherty crouched in a
corner, whining fearfully about the insects; interrupting that
monologue to complain about the absence of their evening meal.
Marvin used to carry a book around with him that he would use to
start fires. He would tear out several pages and use them to kindle the
fledgling flame. A few times he made an effort to read the remaining
pages when he was bored and had nothing to do. He told Elsa about what
he had read once or twice, but she dismissed it as utter nonsense.
The book claimed that man once lived on a ball of dirt that floated
in nothingness. Instead of an elaborate network of corridors, the
universe was said to be nearly empty, with only an occasional planet or
star to be found. Even Marvin couldn't buy that. He knew that the stars
were like furnaces in a house, and any planet like a cellar coal bin. The
idea that there were once furnaces and coal bins floating around in
emptiness without the house was ludicrous.
Of course, there had been a war, and much of the "house" still lay
in darkness. Here and there a city had constituted itself amidst the
corridors, its citizens clustering around the bright blaze of its
restored electrical supply. Ontario, the city of Marvin's birth, and the
city which now held him prisoner, was a tumultuous place, torn by civil
strife. The Oligarchy which had held Ontario in a tight grip for decades
was rapidly losing ground to the restless, impoverished masses.
Everyone agreed that what was needed was a strong leader who could
reunite the people and restore Ontario's past glory; when it had held
San Diego as a subject state.
Marvin's reverie was interrupted by the noise of a crowd breaking
into the offices at the end of the hall. A mob of people came down the
corridor, unlocking the prison cells as they went.
"Run, friends," a man shouted as he freed Marvin and the others.
NEXT: Corpse Catharsis
h o l y j o e O N T H E L A W
Third Party Beneficiary Contracts
Let us say that I am a bachelor living in a house by myself, and a
pervert. (I thought this was a given, but since some people in the small
press can't tell the difference between a paid for ad and a paid for
subscription, it bears repeating.) Across from me is the farm of
Farmer Shires. Shires, being a moral man, but not excessively moral,
decides he can make more money from his cornfield if he turns it into a
drive-in, outdoor adult movie theatre.
Shires contracts with the Corrigan Construction Company to build
him an outdoor adult theatre. I discover that, when the theatre is built,
I will have a clear, unrestricted view of the movie screen from my
bedroom window. This is a benefit to me.
Corrigan fails to build the adult theatre. Can I sue Corrigan for
the loss I have suffered?
HOLY, C.J. (gives the answer): There are three types of third party
beneficiaries in THE LAW. There is the "creditor beneficiary," the
"donee beneficiary," and the "incidental beneficiary."
First, there is the "creditor beneficiary." I owe William Dockery
$300.00. On my way to pay the debt to William, I bump into Ian Shires.
Ian: "I have a hot date tonight, but I am broke. However, I get
paid tomorrow morning. May I borrow some money to take out my
girlfriend?"
Me: "Well, I was just on my way to pay William this $300.00 that
I owe him. However, I will give you the use of it, if you promise to pay
$300.00 to William tomorrow (for me)."
Ian agrees, and has a wonderful date. However, when tomorrow
comes he fails to pay William the $300.00 May William sue Ian for the
$300.00?
Yes! In this situation William is known as a "creditor
beneficiary." Even though he had nothing to do with the contract
between myself and Ian, he may nonetheless sue Ian for the $300.00
(that I myself owed to William).
The next sort of beneficiary is the "donee beneficiary." I buy a
Life Insurance policy from the Gay Men's Life Insurance Company. I tell
them, "If I die, pay the proceeds of this policy to one Lynn Hansen." I
subsequently die. The Gay Men's Life Insurance Company refuses to pay
out the proceeds of the policy, saying that I masturbated myself to
death. May Lynn sue the Insurance Company?
Yes! In this situation Lynn is known as a "donee beneficiary."
Even though he had nothing to do with the contract between myself and
the Insurance Company (assume, for instance, that he didn't even find
out about the policy until after I died), he may nonetheless sue the
Company for the proceeds of the policy.
Now let us consider the "incidental beneficiary." It is purely
incidental that I would have benefited from the adult movie theatre.
Farmer Shires has no control over who lives across the street from
him. Anyone could have lived across the street from him. The contract
between Farmer Shires and Corrigan was never made with me in mind.
Hence, I am merely an "incidental beneficiary" of the contract between
Corrigan and Farmer Shires. If I sue Corrigan for not building the
theatre, I will lose.
HOLMES, CARDOZO, and ROLLER concur. WILSON was in the
bathroom and did not participate.
NOTE: The premier issue of Comic Update is posted on
alt.comics.alternative. It is the issue for May 10th. It consists of
three parts: COMIC UPDATE (Part One), COMIC UPDATE (PART TWO), and
COMIC UPDATE (PART THREE OF THREE).
The second issue of Comic Update is posted on
rec.arts.comics.alternative, otherwise known as Alternative (non-
mainstream) comic books. This second issue bears the subject heading
of: Comic Update, May 11, 1995 (Matt Feazell, Wilson the Bum).
ROLLER PUBLICATIONS Founded 1972. Continuously publishing since
1986. Send a stamped, self-addressed return envelope (preferably a
greeting card-type envelope) to us for the latest FREE hardcopy issues.
(Including material never seen on the Internet!)
Or send $1.00 cash and we will supply the envelope. Order from:
Jim Corrigan, P.O. Box 3663, Phenix City, AL 36868.
Send comix, news, letters, and poems to Jim Corrigan.
Our titles:
COMIC UPDATE The latest small press comix news and reviews.
NAUGHTY NAKED DREAMGIRLS Sex kittens in compromising
positions. (Include an age statement-18 or over.)
DREAMGIRLS WITH SHAMAN America's most popular poetry zine.
ALL poets are urged to contribute frequently!
THE ORATOR Militant views by misguided mortals.
END OF TRANSMISSION
Subj: Comic Update, May 12, 1995 (Rick Howe, Paul Quinn)