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          TOPLESS BARS -- The Fight to Protect our Neighborhoods

                        by holy joe, Internet Correspondente


	You have probably heard of the blight of topless bars.  A decent, law-
abiding community wakes up to find that a nude dancing establishment has 
been opened.  Here in this licentious den of iniquity naked women strut 
about, progressively removing their clothing until they are completely 
naked, whereupon they engage in deviant sexual acts.  Sodomy, lesbianism, 
sexual intercourse, oral intercourse, masturbatory manipulation, and the 
insertion of money into bodily orifices takes place, often fuelled by 
liberal consumption of alcohol.  And of course the word ÒtoplessÓ has 
itself become archaic, in the instance of these establishments.  As my 
aforementioned description indicates, bare bosoms are merely the tip of 
the iceberg.  In one instance a Òtopless barÓ was built directly across the 
street from a church.  Families on their way to Sunday morning services 
found themselves assaulted by the sight of it, with their children asking 
embarrassing questions.
	I have a plan, once and for all, to end the blight of so-called Òtopless 
bars.Ó  It is a government program, costing only pennies per day.  It is a 
free subscription for every household in America to the Playboy Channel.  
This channel now runs 24 hours per day and if men are regularly subjected 
to it, perhaps as a government mandate, they will be too exhausted from 
jerking off to it to visit a Òtopless barÓ.  If there are still some men with 
extra sperm left, the answer is not to legalize Òtopless bars.Ó  It is to 
feature younger girls on the Playboy Channel, like the Disney ChannelÕs 
13-year-old Ashlie Brillault.  By regularly improving this channel, and 
requiring it to be watched, perhaps with mandated one-handed action 
during viewing, it will be possible to assure that Òtopless barsÓ have no 
customers.  Then there will not be a First Amendment issue as to whether 
they can be open:  with no customers, they will close.
	Once again I, holy joe, have stepped forward with a Plan for America 
to solve AmericaÕs problems.  Next week:  my plan to end the drug crisis in 
America.

	Holy Joe in Ô04
	President with a Plan!


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Copyright 2001 by Andrew Roller.