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Six Reasons to be a Child Molester
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Dear holy joe,
I have a problem. IÕm a Southern Baptist. Unfortunately along lifeÕs
way I became interested in females. Specifically, females in porno films.
I would masturbate day and night, over all types of porno films. Finally I
decided to do something about my problem.
I abstained. Days went by, but I did not watch any porn. I admit it
was a difficult time for me. I would lie in bed at night, with a hard-on,
thinking of other less moral guys than me, busily watching their porno
films while I was getting nothing. Finally to cure myself once and for all
of my desire to watch porn, I hit on an idea. Every time I thought of
watching a porno film, I would go to the theatre and watch a childrenÕs
film.
My thinking was this: what could be more boring, and more
insufferable, than watching some stupid childrenÕs film?
Joe, today I thought about watching a porno film. So to punish
myself, off I went to the movie theatre. I decided to watch The Grinch
Who Stole Christmas. There I was, sitting in a theatre full of dumb little
children, wishing I could be watching porn, when suddenly SHE appeared:
the GrinchÕs 8-year-old girlfriend.
She was smiling and licking a lollipop. She had blonde hair and a
very cute face, if some slightly weird eye makeup at the corners of her
eyes.
Joe, I began to masturbate. Right there in the theatre, surrounded by
children. I wondered how many other little girls like the GrinchÕs
girlfriend were there with me in the dark, in that theatre, and that caused
me to masturbate even more. Fortunately I had a bucket of popcorn with
me so when I came, I was able to surreptitiously shoot myself into my
popcorn.
After the movie I was taking my popcorn to the trash when some fat
guy asked me if I was going to throw away Òall that good popcornÓ. He
insisted on me giving him my popcorn, so it wouldnÕt be wasted. He ate
some and said the butter on it tasted sort of odd, but he liked it anyway. I
told him it was a new kind of Philadelphia cream cheese butter.
Joe, that was not the end of my problem. I felt so embarrassed
about masturbating in the Grinch Who Stole Christmas that I decided to
punish myself even more. I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger was starring in a
new film, The Sixth Day. Some people think Arnold can act, but I donÕt. So
I figured well, what could be worse than a childrenÕs film, followed by an
Arnold film? So I went in to see Arnold.
Bad news. In The Sixth Day, Arnold is a father. He has a very cute
elementary school-age daughter. I started masturbating again.
I am pleased to say that I have now cured myself of wanting to
watch ladies in porno films. Unfortunately now all I want to watch is
cute little girls in films, like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and The
Sixth Day. ItÕs too bad they arenÕt naked, but they are still cute enough to
masturbate over, and thatÕs what I do, masturbate in the darkness of the
theatre, ÒbutteringÓ my popcorn with myself when my moment of crisis
comes.
So, Joe, would you please let my fellow Southern Baptists know that
there is now indeed a way to stop watching porn? Unfortunately it will
turn a guy into a pedophile, but at least he wonÕt be watching porn
anymore.
Russ, in Topeka.
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Dear holy joe,
I have cum (heh) up with six reasons why a guy should be a pedophile,
otherwise known as a Òchild molesterÓ. I hope you will print them so guys
can see the benefits of liking little girls, instead of women.
1. Little girls are fun to play with. Someone might say, ÒWhat do
you mean by play?Ó, but that is just some old fuddy-duddy adult who can
only associate the word ÒplayÓ with sex. Little girls are fun to play with,
pure and simple. Women are impossible to play with. They are too worldly
wise to have any fun with, unless you are simply looking to get laid.
2. Little girls say interesting things. You never know what a little
girl is going to say. Often it gives you a new insight into the world around
you, bringing up some aspect of the world that you had not noticed before,
or had forgotten. Women have a Òbeen there, done thatÓ mentality. It is
unlikely that a woman is going to say anything that you arenÕt already able
to think of yourself.
3. Little girls wear cute clothes. The other day I saw a little girl
wearing long wide pants, with a hole in them near the ankle, and a denim
jacket. Under her jacket, which was open in front, she was wearing a
low-cut blouse which showed off her bare skin and (almost) her budding
breasts! She had long blonde hair that swayed as she moved. She was
half-heartedly riding a skateboard. What a gorgeous sight she was! So
casual, so innocent, and yet so sexy! Women, on the other hand, are boring.
They never wear anything that is exciting to see. It is just a dress, or a
pantsuit, or work clothes, or whatever.
4. Little girls know about the latest fads and fashions. Let me
assure you, little girls knew about the new Pokemon phenomenon long
before women did. Who would have thought of playing a game with bottle-
caps, or riding razor scooters, if not some little girl, or her brother?
Women contribute nothing to popular fashion or culture, unless you count
buying groceries as a ÒcontributionÓ. Little girls are always interested in
the newest, most amazing things, from bubblegum flavored lipstick to pop
rocks to glowing neon sticks... who knows what theyÕll be turned on by
next?
5. Little girls are young. Instead of some old, boring woman, whoÕs
already been to the junior prom, the senior prom, and had a high school
sweetheart, (etc.) you have a chance to be a little girlÕs first love.
Imagine that! You donÕt have to compete with some memory of some guy
who was Òthe greatest guy of all timeÓ. YOU are her first boyfriend, not
somebody else. Any male who doesnÕt think that is worth having should
have his head examined.
6. Little girls are great to look at. Little girls are, frankly, perfect.
I was looking a little girl in a bookstore the other day (in the childrenÕs
section). She had a perfect tan, perfect slim arms, perfect slim legs, a
perfect face... she was just totally perfect! Women are never perfect. At
best they are upholstered, using lots of makeup (or whatever) to try to do
the best they can with their aging bodies.
Joe, I have no idea how men could ever hang around with women.
What do they see in them? I am reminded of the old saying, ÒIn the Land of
the Blind, the man with one eye is king.Ó Well, I am not a king, but I do
have the satisfaction of knowing that I can see clearly. It seems to me
that most other men are blind, blindly pursuing women while being
oblivious to the beauty all around them, namely, the little girls of this
world!
Bob in Pasadena
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holy joe replies: Thank you for your letters. It is a pleasure to be
able to take a break from writing.
And now, last but not least, the latest update of our ongoing story:
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Copyright 2001 by Andrew Roller.