I HAVE BEEN SAVED!
by holy joe
Dear Reader,
As your editor, I have a confession to make. I have spent my life in
bondage to sin. Yesterday, I found Jesus. HE turned my life around. There
are going to be some major changes in my life, and in this publication.
By devoting my life to Jesus, I have become deeply concerned about
the effects of Art upon our culture. I am setting up a new project for
myself: to examine all the Art in our society and to report to you upon it
so that you may write to your congressman and decide what laws to enact.
I am not worried about Fine Art. It has been around for centuries. I
admit I find paintings of nude women disgusting, but we have managed to
enact the Internal Revenue Code and defeat the Communists, so I guess its
effects arenÕt too severe.
IÕm not worried about books or magazines either. Those are bad, to
be sure, but you have to be able to read to be perverted by a book, and you
have to be over three feet tall to reach those filthy magazines with nude
women in them at the drug store.
No, what I am worried about is the REAL pollution in America: Porno
videos! HereÕs the deal: If you make Porno videos, or if you would like to
rid your life of such filth and degradation, please mail them to me at once!
I will accept the responsibility of disposing of them. This, of course,
assumes that I havenÕt already watched them. If I need to watch them, to
report to you on how filthy they are, I will of course watch them first.
Several viewings may be necessary to establish their Ņfilth quotient.Ó
Then, when the tape is worn out or when I feel I have viewed it as much as
necessary, I will dispose of it in the nearest dumpster. I live right next to
an elementary school and they have several giant dumpsters so disposal
will be no problem at all.
Yesterday I was taking the bus and making sure all the schoolgirls
had the proper length dresses on when I noticed a big sign along the street.
It said ŅVirgin MegastoreÓ in big red letters. My God! I was shocked!
Were they selling virgins? I hopped out the busÕs emergency exit and went
running up to the store to protect all those poor, precious children. But I
couldnÕt find any girls inside. I did, however, find a whole shelf full of
porno tapes! One in particular looked especially dangerous to our society,
so I bought it (so no one else could!) I have now accepted the
responsibility of reviewing this tape, and my review appears below.
One final note: Send all those porno tapes to The Church of Holy Joe,
Dumpster No. 2 (the one with that damn ŅChildren Stay AwayÓ sticker on
it), Yuppiesuburbia, WA. (I forget the zip code.)
Penthouse Forbidden Fantasies, $29.95. VHS, 60 minutes, Catalogue
number: 50779-3.
Review: Greetings, fellow Christian! Since this is the Internet, we
can skip the sermon (and even the offering!) and get right down to
business: examining Filth and Perversion (to protect the children!)
The first segment of this tape involves a young girl and her roller
skates. She is at the roller rink, and she meets a young man. I must admit
I prayed to Jesus a lot during this segment. Although I was saying ŅPlease
donÕt make me cum, Jesus! Please donÕt make me cum, Jesus!Ó I want the
Lord to know that I was actually praying for this poor young girlÕs soul,
not my cum load. (The tape was just beginning and I had lots of viewing
yet to cum!) (Oops!)
Anyway, this girl kisses this young man and, well, this being the
90Õs, she winds up on the floor having sex with him in all different ways.
In each scene we see her cherubic face, so sweet and innocent, as she is
being fucked up all her various holes and having her tits sucked, etc. A
most disgusting segment, but worse was yet to cum. (Dammit, there I go
again!)
Next we visit a heathen harem. (ThatÕs a pretty good title. I may
have my assistant Roller write about the perils of such a place for our
many Christian readers: ŅHeathen Harem!Ó Anyway, there are three
captive young females in this harem and all they have on their mind is
Sex!!! (With each other, no less!) A man stands guard as these girls lick
and suck each otherÕs tits and even lick each otherÕs asses! And, worst of
all, these young nubile sinners end their orgy by asking the male guard to
finish them off! He fucks the cute blonde from behind as she helps her two
sinful friends make love to each other.
Pray with me, Friend! There are still more segments to be examined!
Next, a man is sitting at his computer. And he is not thinking about
Relativity or anything like that. No, he is trying to create a GIRL!
(Naturally, this being Penthouse, he succeeds.) If I were a pervert (which
IÕm not, anymore) I would tell you that this girl looked really hot. Imagine
a blonde, blue-eyed girl walking around bare ass naked in a pair of long
black boots. I donÕt know about you, but between cooking, cleaning, and
being an assistant district attorney, I think the quality that is most
important in a woman is to be able to look really cute walking around
bare-ass naked in a pair of long black boots. Obviously a man needs to
have his dinner at 5 oÕclock and have clean socks to wear, and money to
spend at the Virgin store, but still, if I had to choose, IÕd tell the ladies of
this world to quit law school and trying to prosecute child molesters and
to figure out how to look their best, bare-ass naked in a pair of long black
boots! (Of course, this is my view of things from the perspective of a
pervert, which I promise you IÕm not anymore.)
Next there is yet more sinning on this tape. A very attractive
brunette is fucked in various ways in a Spanish hacienda by some guy who
gets off a horse (and fucks her). Then he leaves. (This guy knows how to
handle women.)
Last, there is a big pagan fuck fest. Some innocent young woman
must be indoctrinated into the ways of Indian-tribe pagans, and this (sad
to say) involves her getting whipped by some lesbo lady and then fucked up
the ass by some Conan dude.
Whew! That was quite a job, I have to admit, sitting through all that
stuff and reporting on it and holding my pecker at the same time (to
protect it from witnessing such filth, although it was too long for me to
hold ALL of it, ladies! Even with both hands!) Where was I? Oh, yes. My
summation: this is an okay video. Unlike Playboy, you do actually get your
moneyÕs worth. However, all the sex is fake. (Except in the final pagan
segment -- you know how those pagans are.) This video is very nicely
done, and the girls are all good looking, but it is sort of like watching a
formula. Everything happens according to a pre-scripted formula. As a
result, the tape, though well made, comes off as rather boring. This is
fortunate for us, of course, because we are hoping that NO porno is
manufactured, let alone exciting porno!
Please warn your children not to buy or watch this tape. Tell them,
ŅDonÕt go to the Virgin store and buy PenthouseÕs Forbidden Fantasies. It
is for Adults Only!Ó That should fix them. (Unless they have sinners for
parents who passed on their ŌsinnerÕ genes to their children. That happens
sometimes.)
This concludes the first official service of the Church of Holy Joe
(reformed!) Just think of me as your religious representative on the
Internet. Ladies, if you have any questions about Jesus or God or why you
shouldnÕt play with your clitty, just write! I am always here to help you
with all your needs.
Andrew Roller Presents
FUCK DECENCY
Issue No. 87
Naughty Naked Dreamgirls in
Erotic Estate
Chapter One
Despite the stateliness of her surroundings Lisa herself was dressed
only in a skimpy white bikini. Her blonde mane of hair, tumbling over her
shoulders, threatened to provide more covering than her clothing. Lisa's
only consolation was that her friends, sitting on either side of her on the
front seat of the Jaguar, were dressed no better than she. In fact,
Debbie's nipples were visibly erect, making little points in her bikini bra.
And Jeff, though apparently preoccupied with driving, had a substantial
erection rearing up from his swim trunks.
"This is it," Debbie gushed, squeezing Lisa's bare thigh. "Isn't it
wonderful?"
"Yes," Lisa breathed. "But shouldn't we be dressed better?"
"Of course not, silly, although I admit there ought to be a law
against you and me wearing swimsuits in public," Debbie grinned.
"This isn't public," Jeff said. "It's a private party."
"How many of these have you been to?" Lisa asked Debbie.
"Here?" Debbie asked. "Two. We just met this guy. Mick's his name,
he's the owner of this place, he's really swell."
"He invites swell guests, too," Jeff said.
"Oh, Jeff!" Debbie said. Then quietly to Lisa: "He likes some of the
girls Mick has at his parties. They like him, too."
"Are there other guys here?" Lisa asked.
"I'm not good enough?" Jeff said as he parked the car and shut off the
ignition.
"The guys are as good as the girls are," Debbie confided. "And they're
wealthy."
"Even wealthier than me," Jeff interjected.
"Yeah, right. You'll be paying for this Jag until you're too old to
drive," Debbie said to Jeff. Lisa got out of the car with her friends.
A young girl named Millicent greeted the trio at the door. Lisa noted
with alarm that her breasts were naked. The maid wore only a white
apron, black skirt, hose, pumps, and a little maid's hat. She smiled at
Jeff, and Lisa thought she caught the whiff of a previous affair.
The maid led the group through the house to a room bordering on the
back yard. Suddenly through the sliding glass doors that led outside to the
rear lawn Lisa glimpsed naked people standing about sipping cocktails.
"This is as far as I can let you go, dressed as you are," Millicent
smiled. Jeff gave a happy sigh and shucked off his swim trunks. His prick,
already having behaved in a less than seemly manner, now leapt out to
throb nakedly before the girls. Millicent smiled approvingly at Jeff's
penis, then turned and picked up a feather duster from a small table and
began dusting it.
Debbie matter-of-factly reached behind herself and undid her own
bikini bra.
"Wh-what's happening?" Lisa asked, frightened. Debbie slipped her
bikini panties down her legs.
"I didn't want to tell you earlier, but this is a nudie party," Debbie
smiled. "I hope I didn't offend you by not cluing you in." Before Lisa could
object Jeff pulled at the drawstring of her bikini bra, causing the fabric
to slip down her mammaries. Lisa caught the bra in her palms and held it
against her breasts to keep her nipples from showing. Jeff reached down
and undid the ties of her panties.
"Stop!" Lisa cried. She squeezed her legs together to prevent her
panties from falling. The front and back of the panties, however, fell
down to reveal her pubic thatch and bottom. The bit of fabric between
Lisa's thighs kept the panties from falling to the rug, but they may as well
have now for all the protection they provided.
"You don't have to come," Debbie said, somewhat apologetically.
"You can wait in the car," Jeff offered, a prospect which he knew
boded no enjoyment whatsoever. Jeff sidled over to Millicent, who was
still dusting as if she were no more than an attendant in a prudish
Victorian mansion.
"You don't need this, do you?" Jeff said to Millicent, tugging at her
black skirt.
"I guess not," Millicent said, looking back over her shoulder. Jeff
tugged down the maid's skirt, revealing a bare bottom beneath.
Owing in part to her close friendship with and trust in Debbie and
Jeff, and in part to the utter hopelessness of her predicament, Lisa lifted
her hands from her breasts and parted her legs slightly. At once her bikini
bra and panties fluttered to the carpet. Lisa looked down at her breasts,
quivering nakedly, and brushed her palms over her bare hips. Millicent
stooped and picked up Jeff's trunks (receiving a smack for her courtesy),
and then Debbie and Lisa's bikinis. Then she left the room with their
clothes, with Lisa staring after her. Jeff walked up to the sliding glass
and peered out, like a lion assessing his prey.
"See? They're all naked," Debbie said to Lisa, indicating the people
outside. "I'll bet there are even a few out there who have never been to
one of these parties before, just like you."
"Couldn't I be just a little bit modest?" Lisa asked. She folded her
arms over her breasts and shivered.
"Of course, dear," Debbie said.
"What then shall I wear?" Lisa asked.
"Soap suds," Debbie replied.
"S-Soap suds?" Lisa asked, incredulous.
"Yes, dear. Here comes Millicent now with a pail and bar," Debbie
said. Millicent walked up to the nude girls and smiled brightly.
"Care to cover yourself?" Millicent asked Lisa.
"Y-Yes," Lisa stammered. Millicent set the pail down on a small
hardwood table. The pail was bright red, made of plastic, with little
green seahorses painted on the side. The fresh bar of soap was Ivory.
Millicent handed it to Lisa and sashayed away. Debbie smiled brightly and
followed Millicent out of the room.
Lisa sat down on a plush loveseat and eyed the pail of steaming
water in despair. She wanted to be at the party, but being nude was new
to her. She pouted and dipped the bar into the bucket. She turned it over
in her hands several times in an effort to build up a lather. Then she put
her hands to her breasts and wet them, and followed that with several
passes of the bar over her bosoms.
Lisa was already excited about the prospect of partying naked, and
rubbing her nipples in an attempt to cover the cherry flesh proved
disturbingly arousing. Far from covering her teats, the suds merely gave
them a gloss, like wax. Lisa decided to try her luck with her pussy.
Soaping up her hands once more, Lisa rubbed them against her pubic
thatch. She decided against soaping her labia lips, that promised to be an
all too exhilarating experience. Lisa had no intention of having someone
walk into the room to find her orgasming all over the loveseat. They
would probably want to join her, and Lisa might be too far gone to stop
them. So Lisa refrained from lathering her crotch save for the curly little
mound which adorned it.
Lisa was still attempting to build up a lather on both her breasts and
pubic triangle when Debbie returned with her boyfriend. A hot towel was
presented to her and Lisa's hands were urged within it and wiped clean.
"I-I still want to do my bottom," Lisa said, eyes wide.
"That's enough, dear, the rest of the guests are waiting to meet you,"
Debbie said gaily. Millicent appeared and picked up the bar of soap off the
little table. She dropped the bar into the bucket, picked up the bucket, and
wiped off the top of the table with her apron. Debbie's boyfriend, Jeff,
pinched Millicent's bare bottom as she bent forward to wipe.
Debbie dropped the hot towel into Millicent's bucket and took Lisa's
hand. Jeff took the blonde's other hand and together they pulled Lisa to
her feet. They led her outdoors into the bright sunshine.
Despite the total nudity of the guests, the only pool in the backyard
was an inflated baby pool in which several girls were frolicking. It was
said that Mick had planned the grounds this way so that she could have
nude parties without everyone attempting to hide their nakedness in the
pool. In any event Lisa herself would have wished for a pool, anything to
alleviate the decadence into which she found herself plunged.
Lisa was handed a cocktail and introduced to the first of the guests.
She had to be careful not to get too close to any of the men, for fear of
being prodded by their upstanding cocks. Except for erect nipples and
pricks, however, nobody seemed particularly turned on by the fact that
they were all nude. Lisa attempted to engage in a dialogue on a recent
increase in the state sales tax while trying to count the number of times
the man (and woman!) speaking to her looked at her breasts. How many
glances at her mammaries constituted lascivious behavior? Her
interlocutors were certainly discreet, yet Lisa sensed that if given a
chance they would have guzzled down her mammaries faster than they
were consuming cocktails.
As the man and woman to whom Lisa had been introduced ordered
more drinks, Debbie and Jeff led her on to a man who was seated in a
chaise lounge with a girl on his lap and another sitting in a lawn chair
beside him. These individuals too appeared to be interested in nothing
more than the fact that a local expressway might be widened, but Lisa
thought she caught them stealing glances at her pussy. Lisa sorely
regretted having soaped herself up, as the suds served only to draw
attention to her charms.
The next little gaggle of guests, however, featured two girls and
two boys who had chosen to soap each other up before coming outdoors.
Unlike Lisa, however, the girls' labias were well lathered.
"Who soaped you?" one of the girls asked Lisa.
"I did," Lisa replied.
"That doesn't sound like fun," the second girl said.
"Neither is this," Lisa replied.
"You don't like us?" the first girl asked.
"You're O.K., I'm just not used to being nude," Lisa said somewhat
apologetically.
"Oh, you'll get used to it if you come here often," the first girl said,
then giggled at the hidden sexual connotation. "I mean, if you come around
here often...not if you come a lot once you get here..."
"Although that wouldn't hurt either," the man accompanying the two
girls said. One of the girls slapped him playfully.
AND IN THE END...
The yuppies bequeathed to their children a deficit and a gulag. -
O.J. (Oracle Joe)
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-END OF 87 EMISSION