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ARM YOURSELF, AMERICA!
Imagine you came home, and found the President of the United States
in bed with your daughter. You might shoot him! YouÕd ruin your life
forever, with a dead president on your hands.
ThatÕs why weÕve developed the Pansy Pop, AmericaÕs only legally-
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Yes, Americans everywhere are buying their very own Pansy Pop.
Remember, under the new assault weapons ban, this is the only gun you
may lawfully own. Relive AmericaÕs heroic spirit, by proudly protecting
your home with its favorite gun: Pansy Pop!
Andrew Roller Presents
FUCK DECENCY
Issue No. 367
ASLEEP AT THE NEWSSTAND
by holy joe
Playboy, May 1998, $4.95. Web: http://www.playboy.com
Review: IÕm having a dream. In my dream, IÕve been reading Playboy
for 20 years. And the magazine hasnÕt changed one iota in all those years.
It still runs small articles in the front of the magazine, that nobody ever
looks at. It still interviews people for page after lengthy page, who
nobodyÕs ever heard of. It still prints nude photos of ÔstarsÕ that no man
wants to see, even when sheÕs clothed. And it still serves up a ÔPlaymate,Õ
in a few meagre pages.
God, what a dream. Thank heaven the Playboy I read would never be
like that. It would keep up with the times. It would-- what th? IÕm
awake!
I canÕt believe it. ItÕs 1998. Not only is Playboy the same magazine
it was in 1978, itÕs gotten worse! NothingÕs changed, but the verve and
spirit it had in the 70Õs, with cute Playmates and creative pictorials, is
gone!
There are still plenty of articles, though. After all, as has been said
by many a man, ÒI buy it for the articles.Ó
Yep. ThatÕs why Playboy is known around the world as ÒPlayboy
News Corp.Ó Who needs naked girls, when youÕve got Ò20 Questions with
Ben StillerÓ ?
What this magazine really needs is a makeover. Since nobody at
Playboy is going to do it, the task falls onto the shoulders of holy joe.
(Actually, it falls into my lap, if you know what I mean...)
So, in the spirit of constructive criticism, and because I have blue
balls, despite getting my new Playboy, hereÕs my makeover:
The cover: It features Ginger Spice. Despite a lot of hype, the Spice
Girls are not very attractive. IÕd diss this cover, but a 10-year-old girl
might like it. After all, 10-year-old girls are, according to the Economist,
crazy about the Spice Girls. A 10-year-old might see this cover, and be
inspired to be a Playmate. I wouldnÕt want to interfere with that!
So, hereÕs the rule for female ÔcelebritiesÕ in Playboy. If she isnÕt as
cute as a Playmate, or isnÕt adored by 10-year-old girls, donÕt print her.
With regard to this monthÕs cover, IÕd say OUT, but, since 10-year-old
girls probably like it, IÕll say IN instead. (IN means itÕs okay to put it in
Playboy.)
ÒPlaybill,Ó page 7: It is interesting to look at pictures of the
various contributors to this monthÕs issue. Reluctantly, IÕll say IN, but
wouldnÕt this page look better if it had a nude photo of Tiffany Taylor on
it?
ÒTable of Contents,Ó page 9: IN.
ÒThe Playboy President,Ó by Hugh Hefner, page 11: ItÕs his magazine,
and a well-written, politically-oriented editorial. IN.
ÒDear Playboy,Ó page 13: What ever happened to the NUDE photo of
last monthÕs Playmate in this section? These days, all they ever show is
her face or, in this case, a photo of her wearing a bra. Sometimes, the
Playmate doesnÕt appear at all. In the 1970Õs, she was ALWAYS nude, and
quite sexy looking. As I said above, Playboy hasnÕt just stayed the same
over the years, itÕs actually gotten worse. IN, but get the nude Playmates
back.
ÒPlayboy After Hours,Ó page 17: Thus begins a long section that, in
20 years of reading Playboy, IÕve yet to:
a: read, or
b: figure out what the hell theyÕre even talking about.
OUT !!!
ÒRaw Data,Ó page 18: The sad thing is, Playboy actually pays people
to research and write this crap. OUT !!!
ÒWired,Ó page 20: Some kind of an attempt to reach a younger, Net-
wired audience. People can buy ÔWiredÕ magazine if they want this crap.
OUT !!!
ÒMovies,Ó page 21: HereÕs that old guy that you see sometimes on
the Playboy channel when the last featureÕs ended and the next one has yet
to begin. I havenÕt read this section in two decades. OUT !!!
ÒVideo,Ó page 23: More crap, except for the tiny photo of three
topless babes. Chuck the other crap on this page, and enlarge the picture
of the babes. OUT, except for the babes.
ÒMusic,Ó page 24: Ever hear of ÔSpinÕ magazine? IÕve never read it
and never bought it, but people who want to know about music can. OUT !!!
ÒFast Tracks,Ó page 25: I have two college degrees, yet have never
figured out, in two decades, what the hell PlayboyÕs talking about here.
Get rid of this incomprehensible crap. OUT !!!
ÒBooks,Ó page 26: I have about 3,000 books crammed into my
dumpster. Yet, in 20 years, IÕve never read this column. OUT !!!
ÒHealth and Fitness,Ó page 28: I belong to two health clubs, and
never go to either one. The last thing I need to do is read about something
I never have time for. OUT !!!
ÒMen,Ó page 29: This column should be useful, but IÕve rarely, if
ever, read it. Something needs to be done with this. Otherwise, all I can
say is OUT !!!
ÒMoney Matters,Ó page 30: Buy Money Magazine. (Ever hear of Ôcore
competency,Õ Playboy?) OUT !!!
ÒMantrack,Ó page 33: An article about kitchen knives. (See what I
mean? Page after colorful page, that could be devoted to naked girls, is
instead about junk like this.) For GodÕs sake, get rid of it. OUT !!!
ÒThe Playboy Advisor,Ó page 39: It used to have a cute drawing of a
girl in it each month. I guess that artist must have died, because this
monthÕs artist looks like he skipped his lessons in art class. I never read
this damn section. OUT !!!
ÒThe Playboy Forum,Ó page 41: Like barnacles on an old ship, the
worthless articles just keep accumulating. OUT !!!
ÒNewsfront,Ó page 48: This is the only ÔarticleÕ in this whole
fucking magazine that I look at each month. It details various politically
correct efforts (some by the police) to stamp out sex in our society.
Sometimes I even read this section before I look at the Playmate. This is
an excellent section. IN. (At last, I hit something worthwhile.)
ÒPlayboy Interview,Ó page 51: This is probably the only other
written section in Playboy that is worth having. I think the last time I
actually read it was in 1985, but it usually looks good. IN.
ÒBubba Bubba,Ó page 62: (An article by Arianna Huffington.) It may
be good, but IÕll never read it. Just like all the other 9,000 articles
PlayboyÕs printed that IÕve never read. Would you rather see this, or
Tiffany Taylor pretending to spank Shae Marks with a riding crop? OUT !!!
A cartoon, page 65: The guy doesnÕt know how to draw cute girls.
OUT !!!
Ginger Spice, page 67: Here we apply our rule. I have no interest in
seeing Ginger Spice, let alone without her clothes on. However, since her
appearance in Playboy might inspire a 10-year-old girl to become a
Playmate, IN.
A cartoon, page 75: There is no girl at all in this cartoon, just a
housewife. OUT.
ÒNetmail,Ó page 76: One of those fictional stories that I never read.
(I never even read the stories by Ray Bradbury in Playboy, and heÕs my
favorite author.) OUT.
An article about Tiger Woods, page 78: If I was interested in a black
golfer, IÕd buy Sports Illustrated. IÕm not, and I donÕt. OUT.
An article about Champagne, page 82: Would you rather see this, or
Petra Verkaik having a pillow fight? OUT.
A cartoon, page 85: It features an old lady (granny), but itÕs about
sex and itÕs funny. IN.
An article about shirts, page 86: It features a cute blonde, but why
canÕt we see her tits, her cunt, or her ass? Good God, from kitchen knives
to shirts! WhatÕs the next ÔarticleÕ going to be about? Toilet paper? OUT
!!!
A cartoon, page 91: For the first time in 20 years, I actually
understand this idiotÕs cartoon. (The guy who draws really weird.) What a
lucky break for him. IN. (The cartoon is about the Ôwar on drugs,Õ a
legitimate topic for a freedom-loving magazine like Playboy.)
Ò25 Things Men Do Right in Bed,Ó an article, page 92: This was sort
of interesting to read, but I had to search all over the magazine to manage
to (skim) it. HereÕs another rule for Playboy: No Ôjump pages.Õ Do you
really think a guy is going to go ÔjumpingÕ around, reading an article like
this, and decide, on the basis of that, to buy this magazine? In many
stores, the customer isnÕt even allowed to open Playboy, let alone read
some long, broken-up article like this one, thatÕs scattered all through the
magazine. And, when a guy does actually open Playboy in the store, before
buying it, guess what he looks at?
(The centerfold.) So, IN, but donÕt ÔjumpÕ it all over the magazine.
The centerfold pictorial, page 94: ItÕs short. ItÕs boring. The girl is
24, but looks 30. (Actually, she looks 27, but thatÕs too old for me!)
The centerfold pictorial needs to be expanded. It should be many,
many pages. What would make it really nice would be if it included, say,
another girl in parts of it. She and the Playmate of the Month could do fun
things together. God forbid that should ever happen, though. Playboy
might have to delete some of its unfunny cartoons or its tedious Ôarticles.Õ
The centerfold itself: The centerfold is printed on very high quality
paper. Therefore, all of it should be used for photos of naked girls! In this
way, a guy couldnÕt just take out the centerfold and hang it up on his wall.
HeÕd have to buy a second copy of the magazine, so he could look at the
centerfold, AND look at the back of the centerfold at the same time. But
that would mean that Playboy would sell lots of copies of its magazine.
We wouldnÕt want that, would we?
In any event, since IÕm doing this makeover, guess what happens to
the ÒPlaymate Data SheetÓ? It gets moved off the back of the centerfold,
and moved to, in this case, page 107. The cartoon on page 107 gets
chucked. ÒPlaymate Data SheetÓ is IN, but move it to the page after the
centerfold.
As for ÒPlayboyÕs Party Jokes,Ó it gets moved off the centerfold too.
I doubt anyone cares deeply about this section (I donÕt), but Leroy NeimanÕs
Ôlittle PlaymateÕ cartoons are nice. So, strictly for the sake of the girl,
this page gets moved someplace else. (Perhaps the second-to-last page of
the magazine.) IN.
An article about a new style of motorcycle, page 108: Again, we are
faced with the question: As a reader of Playboy, are you more interested
in looking at a picture of a motorcycle, or a picture of naked girls? OUT.
An article about Playboy memorabilia, page 112: Gosh, itÕs a Playboy
ashtray! Get rid of this crap, please. OUT !!!
A cartoon, page 115: This guy draws fairly sexy girls that you can
(almost) jack off to. IN.
ÒPlaymate Revisited,Ó page 117: A Playmate who looked great in
1983 doesnÕt anymore. But Playboy prints (current) photos of her anyway.
I thought the rule was, ONE photo of how she looks now, all the rest of
how she looked then. (When she was cute.) OUT, or fix it so we see her
when she looked her best.
(God, even the best-looking chicks wind up being old, boring
housewives.)
ÒPlayboyÕs 1998 Baseball Review,Ó an article, page 120: I suppose
when basketball season rolls around Playboy will insist on wasting space
on that sport, too. OUT !!!
A cartoon, page 123: This makeover is itself getting tedious. The
cartoon is about sex, and is funny. Too bad thereÕs no girl in it that I can
jack off to. IN.
ÒPlayboy Gallery,Ó page 125: ThereÕs no nudity here. OUT !!!
ÒFar-Out Pagers,Ó page 126: How much crappy (new) merchandise
does Playboy review, anyway? Is this magazine about us seeing naked
girls, or PlayboyÕs staffers getting free merchandise? Please, O-U-T !!!
A cartoon, page 129: ItÕs funny, itÕs about teenage sex and yuppie
parents. IN.
A ÔcelebrityÕ pictorial, page 130: She looks ugly, she has no suntan,
and sheÕs boringly photographed. No 10-year-old girls have ever heard of
her. IÕve never heard of her. OUT !!!
Ò20 Questions, Ben Stiller,Ó an article on page 138: Well, at least
this ÔarticleÕ isnÕt about merchandise. Except, of course, its whole
purpose is to ÔsellÕ Ben Stiller. (I guess.) I never read this section, even
though it appears every month. IÕd rather see a Playmate. OUT !!!
A small cartoon, page 140: ItÕs about sex, and itÕs very funny. IN.
An article about Truman Capote, page 143: Capote was a pretty
strange fellow, which makes him interesting, but I doubt IÕll ever have
time to read this article. OUT.
Panty of the Month ad, page 145: Normally, I wouldnÕt review an ad.
But IÕve gaped at this ad many, many times. I think I might even have
masturbated over it several times. So, IN !
An ad for the Playboy Catalog, page 159: THANK GOD! ThereÕs
actually a photo of a young, beautiful girl. But why canÕt I see her
nipples? I bought this magazine to see young, beautiful girls, NAKED! I
could probably jack off to this, IF I could see her nipples. This whole
issue should be like this ad. (With the nipples showing, of course.) IN, but
show the nipples! (And the cunt too.)
ÒWhere and How to Buy,Ó page 160: Ah, here we go. WeÕre supposed
to buy all that fucking merchandise that Playboy wasted so much of its
magazine on. Not a chance. IÕm trying to jack off, not buy a motorcycle.
(Or kitchen knives, either.)
ÒPlaymate News,Ó page 167: This is a new feature, having started
just recently. ItÕs quite good. It should be expanded to about 10 pages,
and printed on slick paper, instead of junky paper. (The motorcycle and
kitchen knives got the slick paper, can you believe that?) (Oh yeah. When
you expand this section to ten pages, Playboy, donÕt forget the nudity.
Currently, this section doesnÕt have any.)
ÒPlayboy on the Scene,Ó page 171: The only reason I check this
section is because it used to feature a naked girl in it each month. Now, it
doesnÕt. Get rid of this crap, or bring back the girl. (In the nude.) OUT !!!
ÒPlayboy Grapevine,Ó page 172: I bump into this section a lot, but
only to see cute naked girls. (Which rarely appear.) Why is this section in
black and white? Put it in color, and make sure thereÕs at least one cute
girl in it each month, or, better yet, OUT.
ÒPlayboy Potpourri,Ó page 174: I always check this section, because
there is usually one cute, naked girl in it each month. (In the upper left
hand corner.) This month, the girl whoÕs supposed to be cute and naked is,
instead, ugly and clothed. However, there is a topless Barbie doll.)
(God, I canÕt believe I masturbated over a Barbie doll.) IN, but
reluctantly.
ÒNext Month,Ó page 176: I always check this section, in despair,
hoping against hope that next monthÕs issue of Playboy will actually have
something worthwhile in it. ThereÕs usually a good picture of a naked girl
here. Unfortunately, this month there isnÕt. (She has a swimsuit on.) IN,
but remember: Ralph Reed doesnÕt buy Playboy. I do.
WHEW! What a job! As you can see, 99 percent of what is in Playboy
is crap. The other 1 percent is boring. Which raises a question: If Playboy
had to survive, in 1998, solely on the profits from this magazine, could
it? I donÕt think so.
AND IN THE END...
ÒThose who canÕt do, review.Ó
- anonymous.
-------------------------- Fuck Decency! ------------------------
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Type in: roller39@idt.net in the box that appears.
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via the Web: http://www.netusa.net/~eli/erotica/assm/
-Naughty Naked Dreamgirls (Library of Congress ISSN: 1070-1427) is
copyright 1998 and a trademark of Andrew Roller.
-END OF 367 EMISSION
Pansy Pop, made in Japan.