Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 This is Regression, Mother Lowell's writing therapy, to recall her violent
sexual hystery, and also integrate with the Morion personality.  It's also
unreliable, fractured, and confusing.  I'm sorry, it's even more confusing
for her, and yet even more confusing for their therapist.

   Blind Rage {FdoM Para Veng Rape.  Well, sorry for the Spoiler, but I
can't resist the pun.}

   "Uh!" I just got off, and started wiping my hands in my underpants, when
something covered my eyes, and mouth.

   "Don't move, don't scream."

   "Hmh?" I tried to turn, but she held me too tight.  Not just her voice,
but I felt her breasts behind my head.

   "Hehaha!" They shook when she laughed, "You're a special kinda pervert,
arncha?  Looking at kids on the playground." I closed my eyes, but I could
still hear them, laughing and playing.  "You have a good one?  Yeah?  Cause
you know you men are the weakest, when you just get off.  How bout we call
them over here."

   "NMH!" My eyes flew open.

   "Yeah, show them what you're hiding in the bushes." she felt my
privates, "Since it's so shrunken, and tiny.  Come closer, get a closer
look, kids!  Probably wouldn't be too big, scare them, like when he's all
riled up, huh?" I blinked, but something wet, fell on her arm.  "Awe, you
cwying?" she wiped away my tears with the cloth.  "Poor baby, does it feel
bad, knowing someone knows your dirty little secret?  That you love
children, a little too much?" She let me go, "Go ahead, call them.  I bet
there's enough of them to save you.  Or find an adult, to call the cops, to
stop me."

   "Who are you?" I reached up to my eyes, but her arms blocked mine, and
felt down to my fingers.

   "Help!?"

   "No, shh!"

   "Don't touch that bandana."

   I just dropped my arms.  "Hh," gave up, she had me.  My pants already
open, full of fresh jism, right here in the bushes.  Within sight of the
playground, the daycare.  If anyone saw us, or heard us.  "HhHhH?" I
shuddered.

   "There, now you understand your position.  You're Mine, to do whatever I
want, or I Expose you for the pedoperv you are."

   "Please, don't."

   "I won't if you do everything I say.  Take off your belt."

   "Okay?"

   "Say yes, Darling."

   "Darling?  Ah!"

   "Not so loud," she whispered.  'say it.'

   "Nh, yes darling."

   "You love me?"

   "Yes darling."

   "I'm not too old?" My hands brushed her chest.  Just the backs of my
fingers, through her shirt.

   "Nh, noh."

   "Hh, say it."

   "No, darling.  I uh.  I love your breasts."

   "Huh!" she held my face, deep in my shirt, and her legs squeezed my
sides so hard I could hardly breath.  "HhH!" her shirt buzzed, "I'm a big
girl now," I fell back, but she cradled me, my head, and neck in her arms.
"Almost a woman, I'm ready, I'm ready to become a woman.  Are you ready to
make me one?"

   "Huhhh!" It was still dark, and my breath was so hot and stale under the
bandanna, but I gasped, "Yeah, oh yes my darling!"

   She touched me.  Laughed.  "Hah?  You don't feel ready, and you're
MINE!"

   BP!  Like a mic drop, I couldn't see what she hit me with, but it wasn't
a slap, to the face, it rocked my head so hard I could feel my brain spin
inside my skull.

   "UhHhH!" I tried to feel my face, hold my head, but my arms stopped
short.  "Huh?" Where's the bandanna?  I try to look around, but it's dark,
pitch black.  "HhH?" Did I hear something?

   "Have a nice nap?"

   "Where am I?"

   "Nhmhm!  You're in no position to ask questions." She giggled again,
"You get it?  You're bound like this, so I can do anything, whatever I
want, with any part of your body."

   "Nhsv!" I shrank back from her hand, Just petting my balls, then up to
my bottom.  "NGH!" I blinked back tears from the swat, "Whenever I want,
until you grow the fuck up." Then my hands, my fingers, my wrists.

   Blind, in the dark, I guess she had to feel around too, but then her
skin brushes, up the backs of my fingers.  Again, but this time her chest
is bare, or the top of it.  The soft swells, and crack between them like a
baby's buttocks.  "HhH!" I nodded.  I can't do any thing, anything at all,
except maybe get into it.  "Yeah, oh yes, Darling."

   "Nhmhym!  Oh, topping from the bottom are you?  You done this before?" I
shivered, "Trying to manipulate me, I gave you a name, 'Darling'," sarcasm
dripped.  And she whispered.  "Here, I don't have to hide.  Now, you will
call me Nothing.  I have no name, I am vacuum, null and void, the empty
blackness of space between the stars.  And you, my Creator." Her breath on
my ear, barely even a whisper.  'i think i'll call you vic." she giggled,
"It's a double ontandrah, short for Victim, but also an allusion to Shelly,
Mary.  Victor Frankenstien."

   "What?"

   "Nothing." I felt something.  Slide across my arms.  "Feel that?" It
itched, even after it stopped touching me, and my hands curled back
desperately to touch it.

   "Fiberglass?"

   "Very good."

   "AH!" Across the back of my arms.  "This is a cane."

   "Please, noAHHHHH!  AHHHHHH!" They stung, long after the second strike.
She just hit me once, again, but this time across the soles of my feet. 
"But," How?  In the dark, then my mind whirled.

   Nothing, the darkness of night, the cane.  "You're blind." I bet it's
white, fiberglass with a red tip.

   "Very good."

   "No," it slipped across the bottoms of my toes, "Please don't, AHHHH!"
It hurt so much across the backs of my ankles, it bounced, and itched
immediately.  "NSVH!" I sniveled.

   Her fingers, on my face, wet with my tears, feeling up to my eyes.

   "Now, you remember?"

   I nodded, speechless.  Barely able to sob.

   "Good," I heard her, tapping the floor, the walls in the corner, and a
creak.  I think it was a chair?  "Now, Remember."
:

   Vic {Mg Mnem Para Mole Rape.}

   I thought, well I wasn't thinking.  But then, later i thought I'd get
away with it.  She'd never be able to identify me, she was blind.  cute,
though, no bangs, but the wreck of dirty blond curls just covering her
searching milky blue eyes.  Her expression, curious, unconscious, just
walking down the sidewalk from the School of the Blind.  Then, she cut
through the park.  Under the trees, spots of sunlight playing over her
plain jacket, and unkempt waves of her hair.  "Hh?" she started to turn,
"Who's thrmH?" Holding up her cane, but unable to use it.  Blind, "It's
okay, little darling, we're just going to have some fun." I looked around,
she kicked and struggled, but I just picked her up and carried her into the
bushes.

   "NWH HREEEEM!" I held her down, and felt what I had already.

   "Oh, I hadn't realized she had little booblets, under her baggy hanging
jacket.  And plain teeshirt, even a training bra.

   "SDB, HREEEE!"

   Into my hand, while the other felt down, got my fingers in the front of
her pants, and ripped up until the button popped.

   "UHMHMHMH!" She tried to shake her head, eyes closed uselessly, but
tears shaking out.  I held her mouth, too tight to even move, a lot of hair
trapped under my fingers annoyed me a little.

   "Huh?" Felt like a diaper, at first.  "Oh," I pulled out the pad, "Snh!"
smelt a bloody line.  "Growing up now, big girl?  Almost a woman?" I felt
inside.  "HhH!" Already wet, gritty.  Good, I remember thinking, then the
blood won't show.

   "NMH!" She froze, straightened out like standing at attention, and held
perfectly still.  "Hh hih hin!" Blind eyes wide, panting on my wrist.

   "HhH!" I felt it, pop.  "Hh!" Shivered.  Just like I always wanted to.
"There."

   "NHM!" She clenched her eyes when it popped out, and I turned her head.

   "Now you're a woman." I rubbed my fingertip on my thumb, pinched it, and
felt the grittiness.  Darker than I imagined, too.  "Snh," still smelled
like blood, so I wiped it on her nose.  And cheek, picked up some hair to
dry it off.

   "HhHhH!" She shivered.

   Then, I couldn't pull her legs up on my chest, her pants up them, and
get it out fast enough.

   "Uh!" I grabbed it," Nuh?" But it was too late.  I could barely feel the
thick gritty gore on the spitting head before it went soft.  So, I ran,
trying to fix my pants on the fly, bloody fingers staining the khaki, and
it wouldn't wash out..  That was just the first time, I threw them away,
but that's when I learned what I am, what I'm capable of.  I didn't fumble
as much with the next, and with the next, I got even better.

   Nyx {FM, and here's where I start avoiding spoilers.  Trigger Warning:
Belated.}

   "I'm sorry!" He sniveled, "I don't know what came over me.  You're so
pretty, and I just wanted to show you, how beautiful you are."

   "Hah!" I got up, slipped my fingers out from betwixt my legs, and felt
up to the handle of my cane.  "You had a funny way of showing me.  I didn't
feel pretty, you made me ugly.  All I felt was Fear, shame, and helpless.
Who ever gave you the idea that Rape makes girls feel "PRETTY!" I lashed
down blind, but it bounced off his skull, and hair, so I could feel down,
and bring it across his forehead.

   "NGH!" but he couldn't even drop his head, "AHH, AHHHHHHH!"

   "Yes, fiberglass.  An unique property of it is the more you hit it, the
more it loosens up the eponymous fibers."

   "Please, please don't.  I'll do anything.  Ngh, hhH?"

   "Hhuh!" I could hear his fear.  "Snh!" smell it on his sweat.  Feel it
on his face.

   "No, you didn't think I looked pretty.  You thought I looked HELPLESS!"
WHKHKHK!  Down the tops of his arms, "But now you're helpless.  At my
mercy," I ran it across, back and forth, diagonally pushing it up along his
arms, then switching over to pull it back, like a violinists bow.  "Too bad
I have NONE!"

   "SNVH?  HihnihH!" I could feel him shiver, and shudder as the tiny
splinters worked their way in.  Stinging where the hot sharp welts were
already cutting across, and I ran my fingertips down his back.  The strap,
around his neck, back to his wrists.  "You feel that?"

   "HehH!  Yeas, it burns."

   "Good, you're learning your place, in hell."

   "Please don't."

   "I thought that, with your hand over my mouth." I rolled it, back and
forth across his buttocks.  Between them, but he gripped my hand.  Shaking
it, in both of his, so I held them back, and he tensed.

   "NGH!" Anticipating another strike, realizing I have to feel it first,
but the fibers are so much more insidious.  "Nhahuh!" He tried to twist,
from the red tip feeling down the inside of his thighs.  "NohihIH!?" He
froze, then shivered again from the microsplintering shaft, slipping
between his thighs, and I ripped it out.  "Auh, ah fuck nrhhHH?" He let go
of my hand, "AIEEEEE!" And screamed like a little girl, "Ahhphugh!  God,
FUCK it burns ahh!" Barely able to gasp between whimpering, and screams, I
felt his face.  The pain on it, and smelled it in the air.  Wiped the snot
on his cheek, his forehead, and dried my fingers on his hair.

   Tk, I walked back to my chair.  "Hm!  MhuhH!" God, I was drenched, just
listening to him breathe, and moan.  "Uh, huHN!" I moaned too, from the
elongated pear shape gushing in and out of me, the wet slopping sounds.  He
heard it, he had to hear me fucking myself as rough, and loudly as I could
take it.  "Nrh huh!" Fucking myself, to fill me, as much as I could, the
empty hole he left in me, the yawning blackness, but it was infinite. 
"HAUHHHHGGRNNNH!" I shook, over the back of the chair, and it fell with a
muffled bounce on the concrete behind me.  "Neah!" I hugged it, and just
hung on until the spasming, and breathless panting was over.  And the
rolled painted steel bent square tubing cut into my chest.  "Huh!" I got
up, felt for my cane.  "Whew, now, where was I?"

   I reached down to feel around where I heard it drop, bounce.  First the
damp oily stain, it rolled, but left me a trail to find it, sniffing for
the scent of the silicone lube.  I left my cane, stood up in the corner. 
Leaned against the side of the chair, and slipped the condom off the
handle.

   "How did you find me?"

   "I stalked you," I threw it, to splat against the wall, and fall to the
floor.  Turning my head to the sounds.  It's not like echolocation, I can't
describe it to someone sighted, but I didn't hear him.  Between the reverb
bouncing between the walls in the opposite corner, there is a null.  And
besides, he was in the center between them.  That void, where the sound
wouldn't go through him.  That's where I found him, bent over, strapped
under the arms to the legs to hold his chin up on the steel strap around
the edges, ass in the air to let his privates dangle.  "I have 4 other
senses, idiot.  It's not like, losing one makes the others more acute, but
you become more attentive to them.  Just like now, blind in this darkened
room, you can concentrate on every sound, the smells, can you hear where I
am, by the sound of my voice?" And remember them, all of them, when he
tries to shut them out, at night.  In the room, My room, empty save for the
table, chair, and us.

   "No," it echoes.

   "Of course not, you just need more practice."

   "So, you could see before?"

   "Yes," he is not stupid.  Don't assume, make an ass of yourself, he "Put
it together remarkably rapidly."

   "What happened?"

   "You RAPED ME!"

   "Hh!?" I could hear him tense, the leather pull tight, where the band
over his ribs rubbed under the strap running back from his neck.  "No, I."
So, he couldn't pull his arms down, cover himself, even if he strangled
himself, it wouldn't stretch that far.  "Ahuh!"

   "Whereas I can hear the pain in your voice, smell it, and your fear in
your sweat.  Smell it?  Take a deep breath, smell it.  That's right, SNHHH!
You sniveling coward.  Is that why you attack little children, and just
blinded girls in the park.  Are you afraid of everyone else?"

   "No,"

   "Well now you fear me.  In the darkness, I found you.  In your weakness
I bound you, and with your stupid impulsive habits, I will make you MINE.
That is your name now, MRYN." I growled through my teeth, "Whatever you
where is gone, leaving nothing but fear, and pain.  Like you left me, in
the park, when you made me.  A woman.  A mother." I turned on the light.

   "Momus," my hand gently feeling his neck.  He hung his head, standing at
the door.  Obediently silent throughout, and far enough back to not get
hit. "Say hello."

   He slowly raised it toward the sniveling wretch before him.  "Hello," I
heard him gasp, "Father."

   Moros {bMF}

   Nehihehahuha!

   "She wasn't kidding." I just looked up, slowly, until I could see the
legs of the table, under my brows, and his face.  Finally seeing mine. 
"You have any idea," I grinned, "What it's like growing up with the monster
you created?"

   Well, I helped.

   Yeah, well thank you.  "No," he shut his eyes, shook his head as much as
he could with the angle iron under his jaw.  An L bracket, one of 4,
beveled, and welded together under the board under him.  The slots, and
holes for the ropes, and straps.  "Look at me!" He wouldn't open his eyes.
"You don't have the excuse of willful blindness, but you saw me.  Yourself
in me." I never saw him before today, in the park, with my own eyes, but I
recognized him.  Looked a lot older than I expected, but just like I always
dreamed.

   "But I didn't even."

   "No," she laughed, "Hah!  You couldn't even last long enough to fuck the
bed you made, but some still got in.  Even on my period, enough survived to
find an egg, and you never thought, did you.  That you're creating a
monster, much less two!"

   "Now mom," I didn't bother turning to her, "Molesting me for all those
years." I rubbed his hair, "She couldn't find you, to pay you back for your
gift.  So of course, she took it out on me."

   "No, but I could remember you.  The way you smelled, that's how I found
you."

   And I helped!

   I walked around, striking the hard heels of my boots into the concrete,
so closing his eyes wasn't enough.  Nothing would be enough, to make this
go away.

   "So now," I stopped, "We cum full circle.  You abused her, she abused
me, and now," I grabbed his balls, "It's MY TRN!"

   "AHHHHH!" I just looked up, closed my eyes, and listened to his scream
echo in the chamber.

   Glanced aside, to see her, unselfconsciously backed into a corner. 
Knees wide to the walls, naked, her breasts squeezed between her arms, her
hands furiously working between her legs.

   "Hm," I let go.  "I learned to hate fiberglass." Looked down to where
she left the belaying pin.  Basically a 1" dowel, with a nice handle,
shaped like a blunt butt plug.  "Pine," I pressed it, "Is a lot more
resilient."

   "No," he tried to squirm, "I'll do anything, NGH!" Into him, "HAHHHHH!"
Dry.  I waited.  "HSVSHVngh?" Finally it stopped echoing.

   "I'll tell you what you can do," I wiggled it.  "You can SUFFER!"

   "UKH!" Popped right out.  Took a second for the pink donut to snap back.
THUNK!  He spasmed again, from the handle whacking the steel edge between
his feet.

   "You can scream, but it won't make it stop."

   TNK!

   "Uh, grwalkCH!" I closed my eyes to the wet splattering of his vomitus.
He kept, gasping, and heaving, until there was nothing left.  "Huh, sph!" I
smelt Bile.

   "The problem," TNK!  "Is you Really," TNK!  "Have TA!" TNK, "Batter
pine, to make it splinter."

   "No, oh god no!"

   "I have to get you wet," I held it up, and turned it to inspect the
rough dents, and bent out edges of my crude handywork.

   "Oh got no, NGH!  NAAAAAAuh!"

   "HHH!" Gods.  I haven't felt this, much pain, and suffering in
millennia. Erebus, Darkness, drank it like a beerbong.

   "YAHHH NAHHHH!" He relaxed.  Fell limp, passed out.  Didn't even twitch
as it came out, and snapped back limply.  Bloody, pulled out and torn, I
just dropped it back to the concrete, and watched it run.  Redly down his
scrotum.

   "Hhhh!" I shivered, and the twitching in my crotch finally stopped. 
Leaving just my pulse, dipping lower with each beat, softer, and the skin
finally snapping out over it's eye.

   ; )

   Nyx {MF Roma Mnem Orig.}

   He called himself "Mox." I never knew his real name.  But he found me,
crying in the hospital.  Pregnant, not yet even 11, within a year of being
blinded.  I told him, it was a stupid accident.  Don't play with chemicals
children, I won't recall the particular mix we came up with, don't try any
of them.  I learned, immediately what happens when Hydrogen Chloride
dissolves in an aqueous solution.  The last thing I remember seeing was the
bubbles, fizzing up to the surface like soda.  Then the burning, closing my
eyes too late, even the tears wouldn't wash it away, then the bright loud
terrifying shaking ride to the hospital, the siren, it all felt so
familiar.

   Only this time the pain wasn't in my eyes.  But he held me, told me it
would be all right.  Again, I remember him before.  When I got the chemical
burns, before I could see nothing but excruciating light.  Closing my eyes
doesn't help, darkness doesn't help, there's no pain receptors in the optic
nerves.  The doctors told me, so all they can produce is terrible light. 
Then he asked me, what happened, what he did to me.  I told him, "He
touched me."

   "Like this?" I nodded.  Then he showed me.  "It doesn't have to hurt."

   I supposed he worked at the hospital, and could lose his job for what he
did to me.  Some would call it molestation, but he's not like that.  I
loved him, even before I went back.  I wanted him, his arms around me,
whenever the sounds, and smells, and feelings of my body going through
changes I couldn't understand became overwhelming, but I could just curl
up. Wrap myself in covers, or just pull my sleeves tight around me.  Until
then, it hurt, it scared me, but I was back in his arms.  He told me
before, "I love you, I care about you," but then I left.  I missed him, his
smell, his arms, their warmth wrapping around me until I was back in them.
Then, he showed me.  How much he loves me, how much he cares.

   It wasn't until that night, he truly made me a woman.  It wasn't him, it
wasn't this beast, it was my Mox.  My lover, my first.  He was right, it
didn't hurt.  I didn't bleed any more, and the greatest miracle of all. 
The terrible light finally went away.  I cannot even begin to tell you,
what that was like, trying to sleep, with my burned eyes.  Then, He spoke
to me.  My angel, Erebus.  He made the light go away, He told me about my
son, yet to be born.  Why eventually my period didn't come back.  I felt
cured, even my eyes, His darkness was a blessing.  Erebus, my love, my
life, He took me.  Married me, and cared for me.  Not Mox, He told me that
"It's a "Pun." It literally Means nothing.  he never came back to me, but I
didn't need him.  HE told me, He was in him the whole time.  That's who I
fell in love with, a love that only grew as He showed me things beyond my
wildest imaginings.  The stars, the universe, the myths of man, and where
they came from.

   Then, he was born, and He was in him.

   Victim {M Chem Maim}

   He cleaned up the mess.  My son, mopped up the vomit.  I never imagined,
thought about.  "Hh," any of my victims, getting pregnant.  I never
thought, I couldn't stop, it's like something took hold of me, then I
watched my hands, hurting all those children.  It was like a nightmare, I
had thought.  I should have wished, to never have a worse one.

   "Open your eyes."

   "What's that?"

   "Just a bucket." He raped me, he was tiny, and my poor abused anus was
torn, wet with blood.  I deserved it, not just for what I did to her, but
to all of them.  Those poor children.  None of the boys could get it up,
but my boy.  My son.  I shuddered.

   "Just a little something I cooked up." I swear, it felt like a seizure
when he finally gushed into me.  I prayed to pass out again.  Then I saw
her hand.  Her terrible hand, I wanted to turn away, tried to at least shut
my eyes, but I couldn't.  "Nhhhhh!"

   PLOOP!  It fizzed, then I smelled something, like vomit but so much
worse it burned, and my eyes finally shut.  I couldn't open them, and the
more I cried, the more it burned, until the pain shot straight back into my
brain.  Then, all I could see was light.  It was so bright, like a migrane,
it hurt even worse than my eyes, fuzed to my lids, melted together, but
they couldn't shut out the terrible light.

   {AND THAT IS THE LAST THING YOU WILL SEE, FOREVER!}

   I couldn't even scream.
:
"Uh!" Then I relaxed, weak, exhausted, I couldn't move if I wanted too,
but finally the ropes around my legs were loosened.  Enough to lay down,
the strap around my back went slack, and I heard buckles clanking under the

table.  "Hhuhh!" I couldn't see, anything of course, but terrible light.

   {I'm gonna have a good time with you!}

   "There," her hand, on my back.  "Doesn't that feel better?"

   'mhm?' I could whimper, finally nod.  "Huh!" My hands fell, and I hugged
the table.  Just to feel the incredible pleasure of my arms in front of me.
I still burned, all over, torn inside, but I'd gotten so used to it, it was
almost a pleasure.  "Hh!"

   She turned me over, to face nothing but frigid light.  She kissed me,
like an angel.  Lay down on top of me, and felt so warm.  So soft, so
heavy. I felt so hard, it beat between her legs, then inside her.

   "Hh!" I could barely lift my arms, but she helped me.  Wrapped them
around her, and I felt wonderful.  An orgasm, but with it the most
incredible indescribable feeling ever.  Then it left me.  And the pain
returned.  "Nhh, nhhHAAAAAAAH!  All the pain that had gone away came back,
and I screamed until blessedly I slipped away.

   To Darkness.

   ; Nemesis {F Solo Whip}

   Her mom made a Rag Mat.  Cut up some old teeshirts, for rags, but there
was a lot more, and I saw how the fabric rolled up.  That gave me ideas, so
when she was done showing me, I took the extras.  We had plenty of rags,
she just said she was "Making room." In the handmedowns, she didn't have a
daughter, and they sent me here, because they didn't have any daughters.

   She remembered, that night.  The goddamned Bruderhof, they strangled
her, with her own hair.  I don't know what they did with the body, but she
wasn't ready to face that.  That's when I awoke, they already had us tied
up, and they made me watch.  They cut her hair, practically shaved it, and
burned it.  Maybe they burned the body?  I would have liked to have gotten
their hair, to plait it.

   "Oh well," shrug.  I found a ring, from the old hackamore in the tack
room.  It wasn't welded, I don't know how they formed it, but it was a
single ring, all the way around, without the weld.  I started there, with 3
rags cut into strips, tapering to points.  Pulling through the thick
midlines, I twisted them between my fingers and thumbs, with a stick behind
my knees, and the ring through it for a toggle.  They didn't creak, cotton,
I would prefer to spin wool, but if I'm going to play with the boys, I'd
rather have something I can use rather than just the shield to block their
sticks.  They are getting good, or the eldest.  Almost swordsmen, and boys,
always the swashbuckling games, but they know my favorite is pirates.

   Marion hates pirates.  She keeps getting kidnapped, but I'll see what I
can do with that.  Now, with the end knotted to a nice Herculean lash, I
went back.  To the ring, flipping it back to pull through, nodding, so that
works.  Now, the knitting needle I borrowed, from mom, she doesn't knot,
but her mother did so she keeps them in a vase, like the spoons in the
kitchen.  Wish I had a decent fid, but it will do, to splice in the bailing
wire.  Metal, strong and hard enough to bend the wire around, without
breaking it.  Poked through the tail, with enough left flexible to pull
through the ring pommel, and stiffen the rest.  Heavier, stronger, hard to
cut like the boarding lines with grapples instead of shot spliced in a
turk's head on the end.  At last, to the stopper knot, picking it apart to
whip, and secure the pointed end.  Clip them, and splice them back, in a
basketwoven cone to where the knot was.

   Standing, I flipped it up, yes plenty stiff enough, back behind me, then
around and over to come forward, bending lighter, more flexible, picking up
speed to break the sound barrier in a thunderclap.

   PWHwhw!  Like a gunshot.  It echoed through the trees.  Nodding, I
played it out to the end.  Checked the tip, 12 tiny leads of interwoven
wire over the 6 pointed ends of the rolled cotton core.  No damage, I
wouldn't strike with it, but that's not what it's for.  I threw the pommel
out, around a tree to catch, and slip the tip through.  Vwvwvwvw!  I
tightened on it, and I pulled.  Until even the weak soft cotton creaked,
tightened with the reinforced lattice of wire.  This was for catching,
disarming, and binding.  The brass ring wasn't heavy enough to hurt them,
permanently.  Break their backs, wrapping over their shoulders to slap into
the cardboard armor they're learning how to make.

   "Hh!" I pulled it off the tree, checking it again, and pushed my hat
back up.  My Kap, My Morion.  Much better than the paper ones, the
cardboard is tougher to work with, only bends one way, but the duct tape
over it reinforced enough to parry stick slashes with.  Yeah, they're
learning.  The other boys already know knot to fuck with him.

   "Hey," Look up, "What's with the stupid hat?" I grin, set the lash
asside.  There's only one of him, I took off my Kap as well, and set it on
the coil.

   "Wanna wrestle?"

   "No?"

   "I wasn't asking." He put his hands up, "Thanks," I got my knees up in
his gut, and hauled him down with my bodyweight.  Then my back landed,
stabbing my femurs deep into him.

   "GUH!" He spat up a little, hot dogs, I turned away from the spray,
stinking of nitrates, and got my legs around him.  To throw him aside.

   "Now," rolling on top, he tried to breathe, but couldn't talk.  "We're
gonna play a game." I unbuttoned my breeches, I like these zippers.  So
much quicker than laces, I felt her fur, through the tight cotton.  "Hh!"

   \

   Marion {Flashbacks}

   /

   "Huh!?" Blink and close my eyes.  In the empty bed, I grabbed the pillow
to hold, and sob into.

   Christina.  Oh, my poor Christina!

   'hUhUhUhUH!' Finally, I could steady my hands, enough to write.  Think
clearly enough to realize that's why he liked me.  That first evening, at
the Summer Faire.  Turning around, with my hair just growing out in tight
curls.  In my tight shorts, rolled up to the tops of my thighs so the hems
bit into my crotch when I bent over.

   Why he must have thought, I was another boy.  Until I turned around, and
he saw my face, the swelling on my chest pulling the teeshirt tight.  I
smiled, and he smiled back...

   Morion, she's a man.  Never been in a man's body, but that's why she's
so psycho.  I don't have to imagine what that must be like.  I can
remember, being born again and again, always a girl, because the boys don't
pass it on to their children.

   Another breakthrough, I can write until the kids wake up, and Sam comes
to take them to school.  She's right, I don't even want to abuse them any
more, and if I did, they would tell her.  Tell me when I snap out of it. 
They say there's no cure, for a pedophile, but I realize that's not what it
is.  What I am, what we are.  That's a human sexuality, she calls it
Repetition Compulsion.  "Huh!" I believe, that must be it.  My
subconscious, the part that isn't Morion trying to deal with all Her
memories, and mine.

   "Christina," I shake my head.  Maybe, I'm finally becoming able to start
working back to confront that.

   Take a deep breath...

   .

   ,

   Big Girl: By Mother Love {g-f Solo, CisV.  For CisVestite.}

   Well, we got caught, I was sent to live with this family in the old
Mennonite house.  They didn't dress in the undercloths, they wore bloomers,
and sometimes diapers at night, if they still wet the bed.  It was nice to
have a "Mom," and "Dad, and "Brothers" to live with.

   Then I got my hands on some real, big girl panties.  My first pair. 
Well, you know, the first ones I fell in love with.  I always got underwear
for Christmas, and on my birthday.  But this time I insisted on shopping
with mom.  "That'll ruin the surprise!"

   "Uh!  But I already know what I'm getting, and I hate the same ones I
get year after year."

   "Why, what's wrong with them?"

   "Well, they're ugly, for one thing, and they make me feel sweaty, all my
friends have prettier ones like yours."

   "I told you to stay out of my private things,"

   "I know, mom.  But I still saw them, and my friends call me "plain Jane"
because of my clothes."

   "And the cotton ones last longer."

   "Yeah but, do they have to be white?  I mean at least some with a little
color or something, the pee staining wouldn't show, and what about when I
get my period?"

   "Grace!" She gasped, "you're only 8!"

   "I know, mom, but my birthday is in a few days, and Marcie started when
she was 8."

   "Is that who you heard about it from?" Then it turned into this whole
big argument, and I told her she's just racist because she's black, and we
kept yelling until I made her slap me, but that's how I remember the
conversation.

   Then, she took me out with her, shopping to make it up to me, so I
stopped crying.  She never hit me very hard, but as soon as she said "Stop
being so hysterical," I knew it was coming, and turned my head so she
almost missed.

   "No, Gracie.  Those are too expensive." Satin, with a little bow in top,
and frills around the edges.  "And they'd never fit you." I pretended to
put them back, but stuck them in my purse when she turned around.  "How
'bout these?" The same ones, but in color, pink, blue, and yellow, but with
2 pairs of each.

   "How about these?" They were cotton, but with ribbon around the edges at
least.  I read the package, "Nylon," I showed her, "That lasts longer then
cotton, right?" She looked at the price, so I looked down, pouted, and
wrinkled my chin.  "Sniff."

   "All right, well get these too, but those better last you, Gracie." I
really wear out underwear.  "Can we go home now?"

   "I want to try them on," I went to the changing room, but she took the
open pack with her to go pay for them.  "Huh!" The ribbon had stars around
it, on the waist, but the ones around the legs folded over.  Kind of neat
how the points stuck out, but on the inside they kind of zigzagged in
white, like a _M_.

   I stuck them in my purse, took my pants off, and kicked the old ones
under the bench.  "HUH!" They felt better then I imagined!  Satiny, of
course, but the ruffles between my legs, and around my hips.  I pulled my
pants back on, but even sitting down, tying up my shoes, I could still feel
them.  Under my butt, in pants, on the painted board seat, but still the
satin on my bottom, and the frills between my legs.  I had to pull the
waist up, and the elastic tighter in my pants so they didn't slip down.

   But she was wrong, I did grow into them.  I didn't wear them, all the
time, but at least I didn't have to wait until I could fill her underwear.
She's a big girl, and after 5 kids, she had the biggest hips.  At least for
a white lady.  My dad likes it, not that he said anything.  "Not around the
children," but that's where his eyes go, when she turned around.

   Mom said not to, ever let boys look at me in my underwear.  Or touch me
there, anywhere it covered, but I stopped with the skirts and dresses, as
much.  Except on Sundays, pants and even shorts are hotter, but I found I
can feel my underwear better in them.

   I don't know what it is, about them, but I always had a thing with
underwear.  Ever since I got in her drawers, and found the special ones my
daddy got her.  The best, not all of them, but I could tell which ones he
got special for her.  Not that he showed me but my favorite even had frills
in the middle.

   They came together like a zipper, I guessed so you can pee in them, but
don't they get in the way?  Maybe cause I was so little, I only got to play
in them once, then she came up and whooped me when she found me in them. 
She even made me take them off first, so I was bare assed.  I never dared
again, when she was home, and when I finally got a chance, they're gone. 
Just her plain Jane cotton ones, white so she can bleach them until they
fall apart, so I put everything back the way I found it.

   As soon as we got home, I went in the bathroom.  Mom wrapped them up,
then started on dinner, but the mirror was way up there.  Over the sink, I
had to climb up, but I wished I had more time with the one in the changing
room.  I giggled, she never said I couldn't.  Or look at other girls' but I
knew what she would think of that.  I tried to see my bottom, but they
puffed out all around me.  They really are too loose, so bent over like
that I can't really see them with the medicine cabinet swung out.

   So, I had to climb up, on the sink cabinet.  With the door shut, I could
hold onto the towel ring, and twist around.  I almost fell, but it felt
like I shocked myself.  So, I climbed back down, fixed the towels, and even
remembered to flush the toilet before I went back out.  To my room, I heard
mom cooking, or looking for the cake pans, so I changed underwear, and his
the best ones, while I could.

   It was years before I felt that jolt again.  I knew nothing about sex,
heard my father say "fuck" once, but mom still scolded him.  And he needed
stitches, the first time I saw him cry.  I didn't see Marcie again, except
in class, cause her bus went the wrong way, and she lived on the other side
of town.  Not that I wanted to obey my mother, I just didn't really think
about her.  But she was my first girl.

   She had weird underwear, or I saw them, and thought they looked weird.
So, I asked about them, and she shrugged, but she was the first girl I saw
wearing them, and she had a big old butt.  For her size, same grade as me,
I didn't touch her or anything.  I just thought it was weird, but maybe
that's when I started getting interested?  Maybe, was it before I started
getting into mom's drawer.  All the way at the top, so I had to get on the
chair from her vanity.

   She has her own bathroom, right behind mine.  The boys had to use the
one downstairs, since they don't have one on their side, but that's the one
with the bathtub, anyway.  2 stairs, too.  I didn't even think that was
weird, but I'd never seen that, either.  Boy space, I played on the steps
some times, but somehow I knew not to go up there.

   ;

   Morion {FmBb Pira Play NS}

   "Ng," I fount a good stick, and tied a hitch in the middle.  The boys
fixed there britches, and turnt around.  "Now, were gonna play Pirates,
Hruh!" I throwed it like a harpoon threw the crotch of a tree, and knocked
my hat off.  I just folded that!  So, fixed it.

   "We always pay pirates."

   "Yeah?" I put it on, "Well, this' a pirate hat." I hated Robin Hood,
they always made me play the maiden.  I had to pull the stick up so it
toggled in the branches.  "Now, who wants to be on my crew?" I already had
the stopper knot in the bottom, so I wrapped it overhand.  About right, and
added a twist to make it a figure 8.  Like the stopper knot for quilting,
or embroidering.

   "Aye!"

   "Well," I run back, "You gotta fight me," I kicked up, swung around, and
got my legs out.  The little brothers scattered quick, but Josephus the
Cuban stood up, and braced for it.  "Uh!" I kicked, and pushed, but he
grabbed me.  Took a couple steps back, but held fast.

   "Nuh!" My legs fell on his, so I grabbed him, and twisted, throwing the
bottom knot around his neck.  Slipping down, but he braced for impact, not
holding me up, but I knocked my Kap off when my shoulders came down, and I
jerked his head down after.  "Guhn!" Twisted to put my elbow in his jaw,
and turn his head, but he picked me up, and through me away.

   I rolled, and banged my elbow pretty bad, 'rhrrRRAAGH!" The little ones
grabbed me, 'cause Joseph was still getting up.

   Then, they beat me up, and He fucked me.  The boys just played with
themselves, watching until I got off, and slipped away, so she could cry.

   I can only protect her, for so long...

   ;

   Marion {F Sorry about all the hopping around...}

   My second girl was Claudia, I didn't have a best friend ever, but we
went over to her house for new years, I think, and I got to play in her
room.  She had dolls, so we got those out with the brushes, and the teeny
little mirror, then I found the box of clothes.  "No underwear," I pouted,
but she had her undressed, so we put another top, and pants on.  "There all
broken," she grunted to get the tiny snap with her thumb, "So I threw them
out."

   "Well," I pulled out her bottom drawer, "Where's yours?"

   "In the top," so I had to get up.  Just cotton ones, I didn't get my
nice ones, or I would have worn them for the party, but they had
princesses. I guess I still had to be six, then.  I wore my Sunday best,
"Can I try these?" Well, Cinderella wasn't technically a princess, Belle
either, when that came out.  I guess until they got married, but both
movies go off before that.

   "I have all of them," I guess I liked the stiffness, on the other side.
She looked away, when I took my whitish ones off.  No, after Christmas, so
they had to be fresh white.  Not ratty from all the bleachings, but I hated
the way fresh ones felt.  Or don't feel, like nothing, or being naked under
your skirt, which I don't like either.

   "You wanna be Snow White," I held up one pair, looked at any their, "Or
sleeping beauty?".  These were new too, so the plastic paint on the front
was still stiff, instead of brittle and flaky from the dryer.  Why I
decided not to get those, they didn't last at all.  And they only feel good
when they're brand new.

   My first boy was Wayne.  No relation, but he's black too, like Marcie
but from a different family.  I noticed his butt first, and the way he
played with his friends.  They slapped each others buts, or hit their arms.
"Fag," they called everything "Gay" too.  My dad, and my brothers too. 
They didn't tell me, but he told them, and they talked about it.  They
never played with me, and hated me tagging along unless mom made them watch
me.

   But I found out what it ment.  Oh, and the preacher, "Abomination," I
had to ask, cause I wasn't supposed to be out of Sunday school.  "If a man
lies with another man like a woman, then both them are to be put to death!"
So, that bad.  Not a lot of blacks, actually.  Not in our town, but there's
more at school.  From the inner city, but he had the nicest butt.

   "Hey!" He coveted it up, and turned around, "What the hell is that for?"


   "Its okay," I thought up a excuse, "I'm a girl."

   "So?" He looked around.

   "So, its not gay!" Flawless logic.

   Except, "Yeahbut girls don't just go around slapping asses, aite?" Good
point, "It's embarrassin, damn!"

   He walked off, but.  "All right, I'm." I took a breath, "Sorry, but I
don't know what come over me.  I like your rump, you got the nicest one
around, I always thought so, and I thought you liked it."

   "Why?"

   "Well, you let your friends do it."

   "They just playin'."

   "Yeah, but there guys, doncha ever think one of them started it because
they gay?"

   "No?" He did now, "but now you mention it."

   "Yeah, see?  If its okay for guys," I had to, he stopped walking, but I
just rubbed it, "Then its not fair I don't get to when its not even gay."

   "Okay," he nodded, "You just s'prized me, 'sall."

   "There," I squeezed it too, "Doesn't that feel nice?"

   "Yeah," his muscle, felt like it got softer, pushing back in my hand. 
"That do feel nice.  Mindif I feel on yours?  I mean, is only fair, right?"

   "Okay," when I only been dreaming about feeling someone else's hand
through my underpants forever, "I guess that's okay.  Hhhh!" My knees gave
out, so he caught me.  Held on with both hands, so I just hugged him, and
squeezed his big hard alive feeling but.  It wasn't like mine at all, or
even Marcie's when she showed me the blood in her panties, and went to take
a shower.

   They were still warm, and smelled tangy, but I couldn't help thinking
its because she just took them off, and I just saw them stretched tight
over her bottom.  They were elastic, not just the waist, even the legs were
stretchy.  She threw them out, but I washed them before I tried them on. 
They didn't fit me either.  Dark blue, her momma got her pantiliners so she
didn't mess up any more.  Then she called my momma to come pick me up.

   "Hey," I blinked up.

   "Wayne?"

   "Yeah?"

   "Why am I on the ground?"

   "Why, I believe you fainted, and hit yur head."

   It did hurt.  "Oh," I felt blood in my hair.

   "Uh," he helped me up.  "Whas yur name?"

   "Oh," I laughed, "Grace." Ironically.

   "You wanna go see the nurse?"

   "No," I headed for the restroom, "But I better go wash my hair out,"
before it gets all dry, and icky.

   I don't guess it was that night, but later I felt that jolt again.  I
was just trying to pull them tight over my butt, but up on my knees like
that, it pulled the ruffles through me, and I guess they brushed my clit. I
just flopped down, but once I felt that, I figured out how to get them to
go up inside me, and humped my bed until I passed out.

   It felt so good it hurt.  I always loved, my favorite panties and all,
but that's when I really fell in love.  The first time I made love to them.


   The next day, I really wanted to see his.  So, we skipped lunch, and I
showed him my secret place.  Where I can go, when all the girls gang up on
me, or just be alone and think.  I found out I don't like kissing, it hurts
my neck, but he does.  As long as he keeps feeling my butt, I kept kissing,
and felt around his belt to the buckle in the front.

   He stopped, "Hey," let me go, "Doncha think we going to fast?"

   "Well," I pulled it out, "You seen my underpants" flipped the little
spike out the hole, "So, its only fair if I see yours, right?".

   Only cause I flashed him, whenever I got the chance.  "Were you get
these, anyways?" He felt the ribbons through my skirt.

   "I made them."

   "You sow?"

   "Yeah?  What's that look for?  My mom taught me, I never liked to
before, but I couldn't find none that fit me, so I fixed up a pair."

   "Oh, well I guess I never.  Why I never seen any so fancy before, is
all." Well, I just took the ones with the pink trim, and added some ribbons
I found.  Its not like stitching the sides of doll panties when they break
trying to get them back on the doll so they still fit, I just thought they
needed some more bows, and I like the feel of the seams where they cross in
the bottom.  Between the pink ribbons around the hems with white hearts
folded in half.  Ask me why the baby blue ones have little white bows, but
I ruined those with the yellow ribbons I found.  I didn't care about them
anyway, why I practiced on them first, but I got some deep blue ribbons to
fix the yellow starry ones now I know how.

   The bell rung, but I saw them, and.  I don't know what I was expecting,
but I was disappointed by plain white cotton.  Maybe some guns, or trucks
or something.

   "Why's it got a pocket?"

   He pushed my hand away.  "It don't,"

   "Come on," I tried to pull his pants open again, but he's to strong,
"Whatcha keep in there?"

   "Nothing?"

   "Now your lying to me?  I felt it, what is that?"

   But the bell rang, so we had to go to class.  I didn't see him again, I
swear he was avoiding me but he was so fast I could never catch him.  But
it was so weird, I couldn't stop thinking about it, and then I guess I got
kind of obsessed with boys underpants after that.

   Now, the boys are on the other side of the stairs.  I didn't think about
that, since its the house I grew up in, but the stairs went both ways at
the landing, and they even had to use the bathroom downstairs, because
there isn't one on that side.  That's the one with a bathtub, though.  I
use it too, since mom and dads have a shower, and its too high for me.

   But then, I had to wait for them to leave me alone.  Mom went out, I
forget where our daddy took them, but she took me, and when she was in the
kitchen, I went up, and snook over to there side.

   There undies had pockets too, but whatever they keep in them, I guess
they took it with them.  I remember one said "my balls" and in sports they
have to wear a cup or something.  I got hit there too sometimes, and it
hurt, but maybe if they didn't carry around a cup full of balls all the
time.

   But Derry's was empty, and it didn't feel like balls.  I barely touched
it, or them, but it felt squishy, and warm in his pants like that.  These
were cold, and had some dirty stains in the bottom, but didn't smell farty,
so I guess they was clean but not bleached enough.  The littlest ones might
fit me, so I took them, and hurried back across the stairs before she got
done putting the food up.

   ;

   Creche {fg-G Saph Mole.  I'm just going to spill the beans: Morion first
awoke because she was Triggered, by her Saphobia.}

   She preferred Chris.  That's why it's a trigger for me, it's a constant
reminder.  She didn't abuse me, I loved her, and she broke my heart.  I
don't remember, the first time that well.  We kissed a lot, held hands, and
talked, I just forgot who kissed whom first, and when.  I don't remember my
first kiss, but the environmental factors that brought us together.

   Well, we could be alone together.  We could, talk to the boys, they
could barely touch us without an impolite "Ahem," and a stern glare, if not
a talking to.  We could be friends.  Like you said, then best friends, then
more...  Go to the bathroom together, I saw her privates before I ever got
a good look at mine, and I know for a fact I got my long conscious panty
fetish from her.  We wore a cloth.  Under our dresses, tied in a flat knot
so it didn't show.  Not like a diaper, but far from stitched together
underpants or bloomers.  She stole bloomers, from the women's wardrobe, or
the most petite schoolmarm a dried up shrunken old crone, so they fit her.
And, we had a place to pee when it was nice out, and we didn't want to go
through the hot sanctuary to get to the bathrooms.

   My school, my first school was a church.  For children, a sunday school
every day, no weekends, we literally walked double file to the real church
for mass, and communion.  Had our own boxes, like a jury, boys across from
girls, and competed in choir.  And desks, where we also ate, boys on the
right, girls on the left.  And I know, all the inherent superstitious
symbolism, most of which I thought abandoned when I left the church. 
Ironically, that was like being born again, I call it like a prison, but it
didn't have bars, there was a fence, turned out easily climbed over, but i
don't remember looking out.  Past it, I honestly don't remember what the
road looked like, but I remember her.

   Her face, her hair, her soft skin, and her hands.  The sewing callouses
on her fingers, and how she touched me.  I can't remember the beginning
well enough to start there, but I remember how we made love.  At night, we
actually managed to sneak out waiting for one to nod off, and another to go
for a bathroom break.  So, we started in the Rectory.  Up-stairs, you could
go into the Sanctuary, but on a sort of Balcony, for the Crucifix, and
there was also a clock up there.  The main one, but we had to be quiet, so
we mainly kissed and necked with heavy petting through our clothes.  I
don't know where, or how she got the underpants, but she showed me, white
cotton panties, in the bathroom before we climbed up to the rectory. 
Instead of waking the boys' teacher, dosing on the other end of the hall to
keep an eye on the doors, and the bathrooms.

   So, most of my attention was on her panties, which I felt all over, in
and under her skirt.  As well as everything through it.  And kissed,
necked, hugged, and tried not to breathe too loud.  I could smell her. 
Before our teacher got up, and hurried off to the bathroom.  I thought we
were nicked, until I peeked out, and saw how she was walking.  She closed
the door, so I whispered that we had a chance, or 'now's our chance!' I
believe.  I snuck down first, just enough to peek around the wall at the
landing, but i saw the other teacher was up.  He yawned, stretched, then
came up the hall, but I heard him open the door to check on the boys.  It
was pretty balsy, but we snuck down into the sanctuary while he was walking
back to his chair.

   Not the only teachers, just the ones that had that duty, that shift,
that night.  I had never been outside at night, but she had been sneaking
out for years, and even had some worldly friends, over the fence.  We just
wanted to be alone, and i really wanted to get into her panties.  Full
moon, already risen, and not yet to the meridian, so we had light for
several hours.  Now, by this point, I hadn't seen a boy naked, and she
hadn't told me.  I assume, she knew, more about how men, and women have
sex, but it was her first time too.  With me, another girl, I know because
neither of us had the foggiest idea of what to do.  I mean, i hadn't even
seen an erection, through clothing, never even heard of one.  I just knew
how I felt, how wonderful the cool night air was, especially puffing up my
skirt as we walked, hand in hand to our spot.

   We had a log there, and I do remember her letting me pick.  Whether I
would play the boy, or the husband, but yes.  I always wanted to be a boy.
I remember, more of that now too.  Sneaking looks, even aside in the lined
up to church, or back, and being jealous.  I guess Freud's penis envy,
without the phallic symbolism, because I hadn't seen that symbol yet, but
we didn't even have a Crucifiction.  A graven image of Jesus, the way he's
usually depicted, with the loincloth, and the wound in his naked side.  the
only person I had ever seen naked was Chris, even better than I had ever
seen myself, in a bowl of dark broth left to settle so it didn't have too
many ripples.  I made her keep the panties on, but she got down on her
knees, on our dresses, so I was taller.  Men are taller, and we generally
get to dictate the action.  Control, I understand that now.

   And I made her keep the underwear on, so I could feel it.  Mostly on the
bottom, the overlock stitch.  Sorry, like a Serger, but hand cut, and
stitched, more like a teeshirt seam, but not at all like store bought
underwear.  Or any that any of us wore, but they fit her, I can't say that
she didn't sew them herself as a surprise.  For me, I loved them at first
sight, and the more I felt of them, the more that love for them grew. 
Speaking of which, she left them for me, before I was big enough to fit
them.  Several pairs, which I his, because even that would probably have
earned me as many licks as it took for me to run out to the willow and back
for a switch.  We had a willow, they watered it religiously, pretty much
just for switches.

   I had my first orgasm, at her mouth.  Kissing me, she touched me too,
but he had her hands under my legs, and bottom, to hold me up.  We never
69ed, because I was never close enough to her size, but we layed back and
forth, to see what we're doing.  But I knew, when the rapture came, the
first time I was kneeling on her shoulders.  I had to hold her head up, not
by the hair, she had a cloth tied over to cover it.  Outside, eating me out
right in the side of God, but we talked about it.  The bible, which we
could read, talked about men.  Lying with women, or spilling seed, and
Jesus himself explained the parable of the sower as the Word of God, not
the blood of a sire, but we worked it out, and that was the best we could
figure.  The "Man" was on top, of course.

   She got off on my hands, my fingers inside her, and when she got her
menarche, I thought I broke her accidentally.  I found her hymen, but with
my tongue, I realized i could finger her without breaking it.  yes, our
mothers checked our Purity.  Usually after church, just spread them open,
and looked, then mad us tye our underclothes back on, and fix out skirts.
In private, my mother bent me over the bed, but they barely touched us, and
it was treated as a burden.  We have to bear, like bleeding with the moon,
and the pain of childbirth, to redeem Eve for corrupting Humanity.  Not
Jesus, our Husbands then redeemed us when we married, If we hadn't had our
ticket punched already.  Which can happen, accidentally, but not very often
the way we're raised.  Our mothers rode the plows around the fields,
Side-Saddle.

   She ran away, first.  By the time I felt old enough, I wasn't even
thinking about finding her, I felt abandoned, but then started writing my
first fantasies.  Of her, out in the world, bravely facing Men, and
Dragons. We had a Radio.  If we were good, all week, we might be allowed to
listen to one of the Sunday night serials, like Robin Hood, Prince Valiant,
or even Flash Gordon!  We thought people still fought with swords, knew
about guns too, heard shots from hunting occasionally, and even planes
flying bye.  In the late 60s, early 70s, we didn't have a TV, much less in
Color, and still listened to the radio.  Not the news, I didn't hear about
the Vietnam War, or Apollo, until after they happened.  Until I finally
felt brave enough to go out, climb over the fence with my clothes neatly
folded into a pillowcase on a stick, wearing my big girl panties.

   So, I wore those a while.  With pants, but my new and improved undies
with skirts, or my dress on Sundays.  I liked the pocket, to hide stuff in,
since nobody would touch me there.  They don't dare, I miss Darius, though.
I wish I knew what I done to scare him off.

   "Uh," I guess that's how I decided that boys just break your heart, if
you stick around long enough to let them.  Mom said they might pretend to
be your friend but they only want one thing.  That's not it though, I
wanted him in my panties too, but then he got scared and ran away, cause
he's a coward.  That's it, he's just a stupid coward, so he gets scared
when a girl knows what she wants and goes after it.  Its sexist, too.  I'd
think being black he'd understand, but guess not.  Not like they treat
black folk any better.

   Then the boys come home, I mean not right then, that night, but the next
big thing is when Louis found the National Geographic.  They got so exited,
and ran upstairs, I could hear them giggling, but mom came out just as I
was listening on the landing.  "There naked!" I heard there muffled laughs,
but went downstairs to help mom set the table.  Instead of telling, thought
about it, but you know I never wondered if boys were different?

   I mean, well you know what I mean, but at the time I had gotten this
close to touching a penis, and all I knew was the pee spots weren't in the
right place.  They were all over the place, like someone poked a bunch of
holes all over the place, no wonder there pants were such a mess.  And the
pocket made for 2 plies to soak through, and I noticed even the cotton was
thicker.

   Still hadn't even seen a urinal, had no idea they didn't have to sit
down on the toilet except for number 2.  I began to wonder though, and if
they're naked in the National Geographic, then that means maybe I can see
it.  Not if I tell mom, and she takes them away.  They stopped tearing all
the underwear pages out of the catalogs, though.  I thought mom did that,
so I couldn't have them.

   I just had to wait for another chance, to find it.  Or several more,
they his it well, and I didn't get to sneak across very often.  I knew I'd
be in big trouble

   Sword fighting.  I swear, that's what they were doing.  I found I could
sneak across the stairs, at night.  The knew they could do almost anything,
clear across the house, as long as it wasn't too loud.  If they hit the
back wall hard enough, we could feel it over here, but other then that. 
And tat wasn't fair, if I played to loud with my dolls, mom would come
across the all to yell at me, but they don't even have to stay in bed, they
could get up, and play all night.

   "Kish!".  They pulled their pants down.  It was weird, and funny, but
they was to busy, so they didn't gear.  " Ching!" They was hard, I never
saw one soft before, and say what you will about penis envy, but it felt
unfair.  As anything, like I get my own room, big deal, right there with
moms, so she never leaves me alone, but they get brothers to play with, and
toys, and all I get is stupid dolls.  They don't do anything!  I mean I
have to do everything, think of everything, say everything, I have 4 whole
brothers now, and nobody to play with?

   And now I found out what they was hiding.  Something else I don't get,
but there underwear is still ugly, and I have no idea what the pocket is
for.  Great, another game I don't get to play.  "Ow!" Zach bent over, "That
was your finger!"

   "Still a hit," he wagged it like a tail, and pulled his underpants up.
Joseph, the oldest.  He always wins, but his sword was bigger too, of
course.  It wasn't a fair fight to begin with, he didn't have to cheat. 
But he bent his legs, I couldn't see, but he came up under, and his bottom
went tight.  "Uhn!" Maybe it was an accident.  Anyway, that's how they
played sometimes, when nobody was around, or they didn't know I was
watching.

   It made me wonder, about Darius, though.  He didn't stick out, maybe
he's not as big as joey, but it was just squishy, and I barely touched it
through his underpants.  It didn't stick them out like Joseph's when he
pulled them up, though.  They played something else the next night.

   Hide and Seek.  {gb Exhb NS}

   Mom made the boys watch me.  And told me to keep them out of trouble,
now how am I supposed to do that?  They already don't play with me, cause
I'm a tattletale.  They said Hide and Seek, but I know that trick.  They
don't look for me, unless I'm it, then they run to fast to catch them, so
I'm always it.  Or, they don't play with me.

   This time, I hid bye the door, in case they went to play with there
friends, instead.  Then, I followed them, sneaky so they don't hear me,
they laugh, but don't look back when they get to the woods.  They stop,
"Pee break," and get them out.

   Oh, that's what skirts are for.  Its not a pocket, its a fly, in there
underwear.  Huh!  But, they can't run, so I tag Abe.  "Your it!"

   "Grace!".  He fixes his pants quick, "What're you doing out?"

   "Well," not how I thought he might say it, "You're out of bounds, and
you're still it!"

   He slapped my arm, "Now your it!"

   "Nu uh!".  I laughed, "You didn't count.  Bet you can't win without
cheating?"

   "I don't cheat?"

   "Yeah you do,".  Thank you, Zach!  "She's right, you always cheat." The
other boys nodded.

   "Yeah, see!?" I laughed, "Cheater!".  He always wins, too.

   "I can so win!" He got mad, "Fair and square!"

   "Oh yeah?  Prove it!"

   So, he counted, and we all hid.  I took Zach with me, he's my littlest
brother.  "Thanks," he let go, and wiped his hand.  Mine felt sweaty too,
but I didn't wipe it.

   I giggled, "Let's ditch him!"

   He laughed, so I took his hand again, and took him off.  Way out, where
nobody would find me.

   "He's probly looking for me." Since I called him a cheater.

   "Me to," he can find the other boys, but let them go, or talk them into
helping so I'm it, and they can ditch me again.  Or, they can just ditch
us, which is fine, as long as he cheats, I win!  Should have bet him
something.  Like his favorite bat, he loves it, that would really hurt him.
Why, I bet he'd cry, but next time.  I can catch him in a bet, or a dare,
he can't say no, then he's scared.

   "Let's climb a tree."

   "Okay," now I'm out, I can't go out alone, but I got my brother.  I
never get to climb trees like them.

   "Uh!".  I jumped, "Hell never find us, uh!  And we can see them coming."

   "Here," he got down, and put his fingers together.  Shook them, "put
your foot up here, like a step so you can climb up." I did, "and get up on
my back."

   "Ah, right!?" I reached it, and put my feet up, but my skirt swung. 
When I looked down, he had his mouth open but he saw me, and looked away.

   "Uh," he looked away.  I got my leg up, like I saw them do.  "Hang on,"
I heard him on the other side, let me climb up.

   "Hurry," my arms got tired, and the bark dug in my leg.  "Uh!"

   "Here," he held down his hand.  I let go, but I missed, and my other
hand slipped.

   "EE!" I fell, up side down, but held on a moment with my legs.  "Zach,
ar' Riah!".  I didn't know what else to say.  "EEhn"

   \*/

   <!>

   I covered my head, and ducked, but banged my arms pretty hard, and tore
my sleeve.  "Are you okay?"

   "Fine!" I punched him, and grabbed my arm, "It doesn't hurt!" But I
cried anyway.

   "I guess that's why girls don't climb trees."

   "Nu uh!?  Mom says its so boys don't see my nickers!" He looked away,
again.  "Ha!  I knew it, you looked!  Oh, I'm sorry.  Its okay, I won't
tell mom if you don't." Of course not, he was in as much trouble as me, at
least!  He let me get hurt, too.  "I'm not a tattletale.  I promise, Joseph
just called me that so you don't play with me.  He is, he told on you, for
not letting him win."

   "When?"

   "Never mind, its okay if you see my underwear.  You like them?" The
yellow ones, with the zigzag stars, and baby blue ribbons.

   "Yeah, they look real pretty." He laughed.

   We got home first, so I went up on my side to wash the dirt out of the
blood.  He came up with me, the boys can come over here, for mom and day,
i'm just supposed to stay out of the boy's side.  I took off my tops,
"Zach," I pulled him back, "It's okay.  Look, I seen you with your shirt
off, all the boys, mom and dad too."

   "But mom said,"

   "Don't but mom me, just help me with this." I held up my arm, "I can't
see it." He dabbed at it, "Ooch!  It's okay, it hurts, but.  Just try to be
careful."

   "I'm sorry."

   "I told you it's okay.  Hh.  It's gonna hurt, If you fall, you're gonna
hit the ground, that's no reason not to climb up.  I didn't shatter, did
I?"

   "No," he guessed.  Then I heard mom and dad pull up in the truck, so I
grabbed the door.  "Stay in here," I closed it, "Flush the toilet in a
minute."

   I went in my room, and picked a long sleeve top.  Navy blue,
"Nnnnnyauh!" I scrubbed the rest of the dirt off, and threw it under the
bed with the dirty shirt.  She was on the stairs, but I pulled the shirt on
quick.

   "Where's your brothers?" I shrugged, didn't turn around.

   "They went out.  Nh!"

   "What's wrong?" she held my shoulders, behind me.  "I told them not to
leave you alone."

   The toilet flushed.  Right on time, maybe he heard her?  "Oh, Zach
stayed with me.  We're playing!" Not a single toy out of place.

   "Then why were you crying?"

   I held my arm, and twisted the cloth over the scrapes.  "Nh!" Blinked
out tears, and crinkled up my chin real good before she came around. 
Squatted in her long dress to hold my shoulders.  "Joseph," I sniffed, "He
pushed me down the stairs." Okay, it was months ago, but I never got him
back for it.

   And boy did he get it when they came home.  Mom made dad beat him too
when she was done.  I went back in my room when they sent him up to
apologize.  "Sit down."

   "I'm sorry?"

   "You heard me, sit down and listen." I got out my notes, "First of all,
you're not sorry.  You're sorry you got whoopped, but your not sorry you
hurt me."

   "I didn't, you lied!"

   "What about the other week, when I bumped into you and you called me
pipsqueek?  You pushed me down on the stairs."

   "But, that's not like I pushed you Down the stairs." [x] Mark off that
excuse, "No, but that wasn't the first time!  You push me around all the
time, remember last month when you caught me playing with your baseball,
and you pushed me down the stairs?"

   "No?"

   "Well, I do, and it hurt a lot.  So, new rule, if you hurt me, I tell
mom, and she hurts you worse.  If I want, I can hurt me," I slapped myself
as hard as I could, "Nh!  Joseph hit me!  If you lie, and I lie, you lose.
Got it?"

   "Okay?" He finally looked scared.  Just don't go downstairs, right now,
and make her beat him, again.

   "Now, you're going to play with me too."

   "You can't tell me what to do!"

   "YES I Can." I stood up, "Because I'm the youngest, and the smallest, if
you don't like it, I can talk to mom." He shrank back, "And stop yelling,"
I grabbed his hand, "Come on, let's go out and play.  Tell mom we're going
out to play."

   "We made up," I nodded to her, "I forgive him."

   "Are you sure?" she looked doubtful.

   "Uh!" yeah, if I'm ever going to get to go out and play, "I'm almost 8
years old!  I never get to go out and play, and I'm sick of staying home
with dolls.  I played every game there is to play with dolls, and," I wish
I had my notes, "He can protect me.  Nobody is gonna hurt me, with him
there," and he knows now, better than to hurt me, "He's 15."

   "14,"

   "Almost 15, and I decided I need him as a friend.  Well, he said, 'you
don't want to fight me,' but that means the same thing." She glared, "But
he's right, I need a friend, a real one to play with, and I pick him." I
held his hand, "He's the biggest, and the strongest." And, it's not like
he's really my brother.  I'm adopted, ever since I ran away from the
Creche. He stood up, so tall, and proud.  Because that's what it's all
about, with him.  Being the biggest and the strongest, allways winning.

   "All right, but stay safe, and bring her back before dark."

   "I will, mom."

   "New rule," once we were outside, "I cheat.  You don't have to, because
you're the biggest, and the strongest, the fastest, and the smartest."
Yeah, right!  "But I have to cheat to win."

   "What're you talking about?"

   "Or, we can both win.  If we play a game we can both win."

   "Like what?" [x]

   "Boyfriend, and girlfriend?" He dropped my hand, "You know, like mom and
dad play, when you go to bed?  Cum on, it's not like you got a girlfriend,
to Cheat on." he tried to walk off, but I followed him.

   He knows he can't leave me alone, "Huh!"

   "It's not like we can play boy games, so I have to cheat to win."

   "Because your a girl,"

   "Yeah, so I played this, what do you think I play with the other girls?"


   "Idunno," he shrugged, "Girl games, like house, tea time, dressup?"

   "Ooh!" I clapped, "You ever seen a girl in her underpants?"

   "Well," he looked around, "No."

   "Come on, you know someplace private?" If anybody drove by, you could
see us from the road.  And I bet mom was watching from the window to make
sure.  "Well, show me?  I don't know how to get there!"

   Down by the stream, there was a pipe under the road, and some trees
around.  "See?" I pulled up my skirt, "No wait," I turned around, and bent
over so it flopped down my back.  "Look," I pulled the ribbons tight, and
looked up between my legs.  I slipped my fingers in, to pinch the top, and
pull them tight.  "Nh, hm!" I even humped a little.  Felt the jolt, but I
stopped before I fell over on my face.  "You should feel them, they're
really silky!" My favorite pair, I finally found some thin black ribbon to
tighten them up.  The thick ones don't feel right, and the wide ones don't
fit between my legs without rubbing the sides when I walk around.  "Ngh! 
Or, you can spank me, if you want." i wiggled my butt.  "Go on, giver a
little swat."

   "I don't hit girls," i laughed, "Why, because mom says?" I stood up,
"You never do nothing mom says," I took his hand, "Go on, feel them."
Rubbed my skirt over them.  "Neah, huh!" Trying to hump his leg, "Mom
spanks dad.  And we spank eachother, the girls when I get to play with
them. Go on, it's fun.  Ah, hahahahaha!  Yeah, you can hit harden't that,
right?  Yeah, big strong man like you.

   "Really?  mom spanks dad for real?" I nodded, lying.  I heard, one of
the girls at church, giggling and talking about her mom and dad.  Not sure
if it was true, either.  "It's a game, and nobody wins, or we both win. 
Nh!" he likes it "Yeah, now rub it in, real good.  Ow!" Too hard, I hit
him. "Stop!" he grabbed my hair.

   "Yeah," Ow, "You deserve it."

   "I said Stop!" I tore my hair out, "NoawH!  That's to hard, and it's not
a game if we both don't have fun!" I pushed him, "Bully!" Again, back.  "I
said stop, and if you don't stop, I." punched him, right between the legs,
"Hurt you." He sat down.

   "Uh!" Held his balls.

   "Then I tell mom about your little swordfights with Abe." bd Bumped my
fingers together like balls, "Kching!  You think I don't see you, playing
with your pissers at night?  Are you a fag, Joey?" he hates that.  "Is that
why you can't get it hard for me, you got a hardon for your brother?"

   "No?' he looked away.

   "Well, now you're gonna get it out.  Go on, let me see you get it hard
for a girl for once."

   ;