Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 All right, shuffling it all together, this is somewhat of a conclusion
where the Protagonist starts working past his abuse, and attempts a
consensual age-appropriate romantic relationship, with several degrees of
separation;

   Eddy (mf NS Asex...  fG Saph NS.)

   She came to me, as I was leaving school.  To talk to me, about something
that troubled her.  Said something to the effect that she heard, about my
friends.  Mostly girls, it's hard to talk to guys about this kind of thing,
but how I "Helped them, with.  Things."

   "Sexual things?"

   She nodded.

   "Abuse?"

   "I don't know.  Huh!  I have this friend." Right.  "Well, girlfriend.  I
think.  I don't know, we're.  Just friends, but.  I feel like."

   "You have feelings for her." She nodded, "And you might want to be more
than friends?"

   "Yeah, but.  I don't.  I don't know."

   "How to talk about it?" She shook her head.

   "How to, feel.  About, uh!"

   "Come on, you take the bus?"

   "They don't run the busses no more."

   "I take the city bus, but I usually wait until it's less crowded anyway.
How do you usually get home?"

   "Oh, my momma usually picks us up, but.  I missed her today."

   "Okay, well we can figure out how to get you home, and talk about it
till then.  You don't have anything to do, this afternoon?"

   "Homework."

   "But it can wait."

   "Yeah, she said.  Well, she said you helped her.  And gave her a knife."

   That narrowed it down to 1.  The first one I did that for.

   "You interested, in self defense?"

   "I talked to her dad."

   "Yeah, he teaching her now?"

   "Yeah, me too."

   "Okay, so what did she say you should talk to me, about?"

   ;

   Asmara (Fg Ince Mole Nepi WS...)

   He asked, so.  "I'm Italian, but half Eritrean Italian."

   "Is that," He squinted, "Middle eastern?"

   "African, but.  Well, kind of.  I guess uh.  It's right across the sea
from Saudia Arabia and Yemen."

   "The," he thought, "Red Sea?" I nodded.  "Oh, okay.  You don't talk like
a, African Accent."

   "Oh no.  I'm from here, I mean my.  Sister."

   "Is there, a problem with your sister?"

   I looked away.

   "Mara?"

   "So, that's where my name comes from.  Asmara, to remind me where I'm
from."

   "Oh, and your sister?"

   "Her names Zula.  Just Zula, not like Azula, or.  Anything, it's just
Zula."

   "Huh!" I looked back, but he just nodded.  "So," seriously, "Is it
something about your sister, Zula?"

   "Yeah," that's why I'm so uncomfortable.  With my friend.  "Huh, she. 
Well, she's older, but now.  I'm.  I think I'm starting to, remember. 
Things."

   "You're not sure?"

   "It's like a dream.  I mean, I dreamed about it, but now I keep dreaming
about it, and.  I don't know," it's sick, and.  "It scares me."

   "Okay, well sometimes dreams can feel real, and if they're recurring,
even start to feel like a memory.  Like deja vu."

   "So, you mean like when I feel like I been here before, and did all this
before, but I didn't?"

   "You feel like that now?"

   "No, I.  I mean, whenever I felt like that, before?  Yeah, it didn't
feel like that."

   "Your dream?"

   I shook my head.

   "What then?"

   "I mean, it didn't feel like a dream, or deja vu.  It felt like it
happened, and.  Funny."

   "Funny how?"

   "Hot, and itchy, and pukey, and, huh!  I don't know, a whole lot else.
Other stuff I don't know the words for, but now I feel like that when I'm
with Danny too."

   "And you think it might be love?"

   "Yeah, but it's not like I love my mom, or.  Nh.  Uh uh uh uh!"

   "Hh," he patted my back, then hugged my shoulder when I curled up in his
shirt.  "Your sister?" I nodded.

   "Snh!  I love her, too.  I do but.  Not like.  That."

   "Sexually?"

   "Yeah, but." She.  "Nh!"

   "It's all right, try to relax, and take your time.  We have all day, and
we can come back to it if you're not ready today."

   "She touched me."

   "Your Sister."

   I nodded.

   "Sexually?"

   "I don't know?  Uh!  I didn't, well.  I was so young, I barely remember,
but she just played with me, and now." I can remember, and it feels.  "I
feel so, sick?" about it.

   "Do you think it would be easier to write about it?" I shrugged, thought
about it, and nodded.  Maybe?  "Hh, these things are hard to talk about,
especially at first, but I found that writing about it helps me gather my
thoughts.  Without worrying about anyone else.  Understanding, judging, or
misunderstanding, just a blank anonymous page.  Won't judge you, nor care,
or even understand the words written on it.  Just a mindless page you could
even destroy later.  So, nobody ever needs to know, but you can collect
your thoughts, so maybe some day you can talk about it."

   "Yeah," I wiped my eyes, "I'll try that."

   ;

   Flashback (Trigger Warnings, pretty much already established the
Character codes.  So;)

   [I don't know, I tried, and I stayed up late, but I couldn't.  Really
think what's real, and what's not, but I slept on it.  Zula's here.  In our
room, so it's really hard to even think about it without crying, but then I
couldn't help having the dream again.  So, I woke up, and went to the
bathroom.  Where I can write about it, but here goes:

   I have to pee.  I mean, I did, because I had to, but I used to wet the
bed.  I know, everyone did until we stop, but, that reminded me of when I
stopped, and.  Why, I had to.  Stop, wetting myself.  Zula, liked it. 
Maybe she still does, I don't know, but she always did before, and when we
used to play.  Well, her favorite game, when we're alone.  Mom and dad at
work, or in the room, or in the bathroom, or even going out to play
outside.

   She always wanted to play baby.  I mean, I was the baby, because she's
older, but.  We had baby dolls, and we even brought them when we played
outside, or in the bath, but.  She put a diaper on me, and made me pee in
it, so she could change me.  And touch me.  I know she touched me, I didn't
even want to think it, or about it, but last night.  Or earlier tonight, I
don't know, before I fell asleep, and woke back up.

   You're right.  This is hard, but it's so much harder to say to someone.
With them right there, so thanks for that.  I guess I can write about it,
and give it for you to read?  Tomorrow, because I still don't think I can
say anything, out loud.  But if you read this, then you'll know, and you
can maybe help me, like you helped Dani?  That would be great, but I guess
I better finish this.  Or as much as I can remember now, I just had to cry,
and take a break to thank you.  Thank you.

   So, I started thinking about, playing with Dani like that.  And that's
what scares me, on account of what happened to her, and how it made her
start wearing a knife, and learning how to fight, with her knife.  So,
that's part of it, I'm not scared she'll judge me, or break up with me, I'm
scared she'll get mad, because she has a knife.  But now I want to.  Play
with her, like that.  i remember what my sister did, but now, I think
about, doing it with Dani instead.  And it feels, better.  Not doing it,
but I.  I play with myself, I am playing with myself, right now.  I know,
it's sick, but it doesn't feel bad, like Zula did.  It feels, nice?  I mean
good, it's a good feeling, but not like finishing my homework, or getting
an A on my test, or anything else I ever felt before, but I love it, and it
makes me feel like I'm falling in love with her too, but I'm scared, and
it's sick, and i don't know if she'd feel the same way especially about the
sick parts.

   You know, the pee?  It's dirty, but.  it's so warm, and wet, and
slippery, and i know it should make me feel sick.  like it always did, but
now it doesn't feel gross, and i don't even know how to say what it feels
like, but i like it.  thinking about Dani.  If I can just forget, Zula. 
She's closer, right back there in the room, I hope she's still asleep, and
now I'm scared she's going to wake up, and come in here, and catch me.

   So, now I have to stop.  Again, this always happens when i try to play
with myself.  It starts off, okay, but then i remember Zula, and what she
did to me, and I get to scared to feel good about it any more.  Now, I'm
ashamed, and i hate myself, and i just want to die for being so pitiful,
and gay, and sick, and gross that nobody will ever love me, and I just want
to die.

   So, I guess I'll go back to bed, and try to sleep some more.  Even
though I know that means another nitemare.  At least I know it's not real,
any more.]

   ;

   Zula (fm IR...)

   "Hm?" I blinked, but that was, just.  "Weird."

   Just some guy, at the park.

   With a doll.

   "Uh," a baby doll.  "You, mind if I." Bus stop, "Sit down?"

   "No," he moved it, "What?" I looked up, from the skirt, and the diaper.

   "Nothing, it's just." I looked back, "What's with the doll?"

   "It's for a friend."

   "A girl," I figured.

   "Well, not like a little girl.  She lives around here," he looked
around, "You know, Asmara?"

   "Asmara, Falconi?"

   "Yeah, you know her?"

   "Seen her around the neighborhood," I shrugged, "But we don't hang out.
I didn't know she played with dolls." Any more.

   "Oh, it's not for play.  This is for therapy." he shrugged, "I guess you
don't hang out, because you're black?"

   I nodded, "Yeah," that's it, "She racist?"

   "Not really.  She's African, or her family's from Africa.  The Italian
occupation of Eritea?"

   "Never heard of it.  Why kinda therapy?"

   "Sexual therapy, but i can't really talk about it, not my secret."

   "Oh?" I shrugged, looked bored, "She into, that kind of thing?"

   "What kind of thing?"

   "You know, diapers.  Fetish?"

   "What makes you say that?"

   "Oh, nothing.  Just you know.  Like you said, you can't talk about it."

   "Not unless you want to," he looked, "Zula." Me right in the eyes.  I
looked away.  "I'm Perry."

   "I don't." Know what to say.  He caught me, I thought about running
away, but I didn't.  Don't even know why not.

   "Want to talk about it?" I shook my head, sure didn't look at him, or
that.  That thing, he had in his lap.  Bait, he caught me like a fish. 
That was just the worm, and I was just so shamed he caught me, like that.
"You don't have to, but not talking about it doesn't help." I shook my
head, "So, let's talk about something else.  You're from Asmara."

   "Yeah." That's fine, told my friends all about it.

   "Why you're so popular with the black kids," he figured out, "Being from
Africa." Even though I'm only half black.

   "My Momma," nod, "She married my dad, then he was killed, so she had to
leave."

   "Why?"

   "That's how she was Eritrean.  She married a local man, my papa.  When
he died, she lost her citizenship, so she come to America."

   "How old were you?"

   "5 or six.  Huh!" Might as well talk about it, he ain't gonna stop. 
"That's when I." took the doll.  "Well, when we got here, the other girls
had babydolls."

   "You think that's where you got your, interest?"

   "I wannet one, but momma couldn't afford it.  Then she got marriet, and
she had Mara."

   "So, you played with her, too."

   "No, I.  It wasn't like, playin wit dolls.  I mean I got to, wit my
friends, and they had some at school, but when I got home.  I got to take
care of Mara, and."

   "You played with her."

   I nodded, but got choked up.

   "You started touching her."

   "No, I.  I didn't.  Not right way, but.  Then she potty trained, and I
didn't wanna stop."

   "You mean you couldn't stop, or you didn't want to?"

   "How 'zat?"

   "Huh!  Okay, you molested her.  It's all right, I understand, but now
would be a good time to face that, and try to narrow down what kind of
molestor you are."

   My hands shook so hard I dropped the doll.

   "Zula?"

   "Yeah." He didn't pick it up, and I sure didn't want to.

   "It's okay, relax."

   "Well how'd you get so smart!?"

   "Calm down, and I'll tell you."

   I tried, but I didn't know whether to run scared, or get madder, and.  I
don't know.  Kill him?  I wouldn't, never but.  I thought about it.  A
little, if I did, then he couldn't tell no one and he'd stop making me talk
about it.

   "Okay?" I shook my head.  "Take your time.  Breathe.  I understand,
because I was molested, too."

   "Oh yeah?"

   He looked like he might cry.  "Yeah, by a girl.  Another girl, which is
why I believed your sister.  I know that girls do it to."

   "Well, I don't do it no more."

   "You can't." I shook my head, "Because you don't have access to another
victim." I opened my eyes, but he shook his head.  "You ever thought about
having children?" I shut them again, and just let my head down.

   "No?"

   "Because you know what you'd do?" I nodded, or started to but bumped my
chin.  "Mara's worried about that too.  About you, baby sitting."

   "I wouldn't," I shook my head, but he looked me in the eyes.

   "Again?" I looked away.

   "Zula?  Look at me.  Tell me you didn't."

   "I didn't." He frowned.  "What?"

   "One of your, one of the kids, you baby sit?"

   "No?"

   "You're a good liar," he nodded, "But I can still tell."

   "No, don't!"

   "I won't, but you have to stop baby sitting."

   "I know."

   "And we need to start, seeing what we can do about it."

   "What can you do?"

   "I don't know," he took a deep breath, "But I can think about, some ways
to try."

   ;

   "Perry" (mfd NS Nepi Diap...)

   I guess I need files for Peripheral cases, now that I have them. 
Plurally, more than one.  Turns out She's not the only one, and this sort
of thing is even more prevelant than even I ever imagined, but back to the
case in point.

   I had to ask: "But you were never sexually abused?"

   "I don't know," she looked me in the eyes, "Not that I remember?"
Truthfully, not like I'm a human lie detector, or anything like that
excists, but people lie, some better than others, and stressful things you
never talked about before makes it even harder.  I can't always tell, but
when I can, I call them on it.

   "You know K.  Lee Blake?"

   "I don't think so?" I guess this is, possibly the first case I ever
encountered, that wasn't tainted by, Her.  But, I shook my head.  "Who
she?" She does talk, more African American than her sister, because she
hangs out with the black kids.  She's literally African (Italian) American,
which appears to win you points, in those circles.

   Also, arguably why she didn't know K.  She didn't really hang out in
those circles before she left.  "I might as well tell you, she's the girl
that molested me, so.  Huh!  I considered the possibility that she.  Knew
you, too."

   "Yeah, no.  Neva herdahuh." The way she said it, just jammed all the
words together, but not consistently.  I think that's it, leaving out not
just letters, but sounds, and even the spaces between words, but that helps
get her out of my head so I can concentrate.

   "Better not go back to your house, so Mara can see us together, until I
have a talk with her."

   "Yeh." She nodded.  She's not like Her.  At all, other than.  Well,
she's black, or half so, and older, and different enough it's not. 
Terrifying, I know I should feel some, discomfort at least.  Here I was,
walking with an admitted child molestor, and I felt, comfortable with her.
It's weird, because while I had felt like this with other people, they were
other victims, and I just don't know how to feel about that, yet.  So i
don't, feel anything I can put my finger on.  Other than the comfort I feel
with someone who understands.  That there are such things in the world,
it's not as simple as man fucks woman, they have kids the end.  It's a lot
more complex, and involved tht that, but we don't have to talk the whole
time, and it's nice to just walk with her.

   "I was thinking.  Well, among other things that we could try it, with
the doll, if you're willing."

   "You mean," she lowered her voice, 'molest huh?' Nobody anywhere nearby,
I mean she looked around too, we could see them, but even the far off
traffic was louder than any sounds they made.  "You cool, you knowdat?"

   I shrugged, shook my head.

   "Well, you are.  Weird, but cool."

   "Thanks," I guessed.

   "So, where you wanna do this?"

   "I don't know," think, we're coming out the S.E corner of their park,
roughly.  So, "I know a place," or 2, but they're all off the creek. 
"Here," I handed her the doll, and climbed over the fence by the bridge. 
Or up the railing, and down next to it, but she held down the doll by the
legs, and followed me.

   Tights, and not like I was looking.  But.  Not like a booty, but she had
a butt, and boobs too.  Can't help but notice, i'm not thinking about. 
Well, I have to be honest with myself, what' we're talking about.  it's not
sex, per-se, but it's certainly sexual, and she is Not a little girl.  At
all.  She just seem to have a thing, for little girls, in diapers.

   "This all right?"

   I nodded, there's a concrete slope down to the ditch, with a little
creek trickling through it, but it's summer, so it's real dry, and there's
a flat spot.  "In here," between the I beams under the street, "Should do."
private enough to play with dolls, I had to LOL: "Show me on the doll how
you touched her."

   "Well, huha." She laughed nevously, and rubbed her fingers under her
nose.  "I never really liked them." she undid the safety pins, "When i got
one, I never played with it." She nodded.  Her lips, aren't.  Big, kind of
long and thin, though her skin is dark, she doesn't have what you would
expect from an African girl.  Theen, it must be the italian side but I
looked up, when she looked over.  "See?" She held up the half naked doll.

   "What?" I shook my head.  I'd seen them before, the legs pop in and out
of the sockets like dove-tails, but are rubberier than the hard plastic.  I
didn't see what she ment.

   "Well, it ain't got nothin'?"

   "Well there's a hole."

   "Yeah, but," uh!  it ain't like.  A boy ora girl.  It just a dead piecea
plastic."

   "Yeah," never really played with dolls, though.  Just something you're
used to being around, in America.  "So?" I suspect that's why she got,
obsessed by them.  Not fetishistically, as a child, but then, when she
started to develop sexuality.  Well, she said she started playing with her,
Mara, playing her baby, when she started turning 9.

   "Not like him, neither."

   "Who?"

   "The boy, I molestet."

   "You molested a boy, too?"

   "I tried, but.  Idakno, I's confused.  I remembert, playin with Mara,
and I triet it again, then I thought I's gay for a while.  So, I tried it,
but it din't work, so I went and fucked a boy."

   "Wait.  Okay." I had to stop her to think.  Back...  "First, let's go
back to the boy you molested.  How old was he?"

   "A baby?" She shrugged, "You know, Baby sittin'?"

   "Yeah, when you started.  How long?"

   "Like a minit?  No, it ain't like I was moltestin him.  I tried it,
didn't work, so just one time."

   "Didn't work how?"

   "He didn't get it up, and I won't feelin' it, so I stop, and fixt up his
pampus."

   "Diaper." She nodded, "But like pampers, and Luvs, with the tape on the
sides."

   "Yeh, Pampuhs." Noted.  Turns out to be like one of those coolaid, or
bandaid brands, they all 'pampuhs.' In those circles.

   "So dendis boy at school hit on me, so I triet him, and.  Yeh, we
fucked."

   "You didn't go out with him?"

   "He ain't call back."

   "But you would've, given the opportunity?"

   "Yeh, I guess.  Din't get the chance, but I thoughaboutit.  He all
right."

   "Okay, so identify as gay or strait?"

   "Oh no, I'm skrate." How she says it.  "Perry?"

   "Yeah?"

   "You wanna kiss me?"

   "No?"

   "Why not?"

   "It's not, because I'm racist.  I don't care about that, as a matter of
fact I don't really believe in race as a rigidly separation."

   "Mhm?"

   "What?"

   "Sallright, go on."

   "It's like, white people.  Okay, Racist whites see black, and white,
whereas there's a lot of grey areas, like The Mediterranean."

   "I been there.  I mean, I don't remember, real good, but my momma took
me, on her way to America?" I nodded.  "I member the canal better."

   "The Suez Canal?" Geography.

   "Yeah.  I sorry, I didn't mean to scare ya."

   "It's all right," I took a deep breath.  "Huh!  I don't mind, and I
wouldn't mind.  I'm just not ready yet." But I can think, maybe even hope,
I could be.  Maybe that was it, not really knowing anyone, that wasn't
tainted by Her, so I always had these nagging doubts if she set it up, and
I was playing into her hands, or it was all just bait for some elaborate
trap, and;

   "Perry?"

   "Yeah, sorry."

   "You all right?"

   "Yeah." I thought so, so I kissed her.

   ;

   Zula (fm...)

   "Yeh." Now, I been mainsplained to, and lectured by teachers, and taught
Black history like anybody else in school in Febuary, but.  "Yeah, like
that." I never heard it broke down like that.  He thought about it,
everything, but he so smart, thet if he think about it long enough, he
figure it out.  I think he some kinda genius.

   "So, really, it's not like Black, Asian, European, because there's
really no borders between them.  So, they just kind of blend, more
gradually together than racists want to think about.  They want to keep it
simple, Black, White.  They think they can handle that, when it's really
just different shades of human at this point."

   "Yeah, I get it."

   We kissing, so I kiss him to shut him up.  Usually does the trick. 
Leave the dolls out of it, I outgrowed that.  It was a phase, I was
childish, and got confused, I'm over it.

   "Mara told me, you apologized."

   "Huh!" He also say 'Your never done.'

   "Good, that's good.  It means I can start going over there now, I just
wanted to make sure it wasn't traumatic, for anyone."

   "You wanna come over tonight?" I grinned.

   He shrugged.

   "Friday, you wanna stay the night?"

   "Maybe, some time.  I'm not ready for that, but how about dinner?" he
got out his phone, "You want to call your mom, and dad?"

   "Yeah."

   It's kind of nice, taking it slow like he say.  I don't wanna, I wanna
jump he bone, and get done withit, but he ain't ready, and I'm.  All right
with that.  Impulse Control, he calls it.  Psychopaths don't have that.  I
don't wanna be a psychopath, so I need to learn it.  So, he help me with
that too.  He smart like that.

   ;

   Zula {fm Cons}

   He saved up.  "4 what?" I asked, but he sayed.

   "I don't know, but." I had a idea who, "I need to go.  Check something
out, it's probably nothing, but I need to check it out."

   "What?" So, he showed me.  On he laptop, he click the little star 4 the
bookmark and it come up.

   Some boy, kill heself, or they suspect suicide.  Hanged, and "They
haven't ruled out auto-erotic asphyxiation."

   "O' murder?" I know what he thinking.

   "It's just to close to her MO." He told me, not a lot about her, but it
means Modus Operandi, which is latin for how she do.

   "How zat?"

   "It's just like her fantasy, or repetition compulsion." That like a
broken reckit.  "She's compelled to keep repeating it over and over in her
head." Like the needle skipping, "But she managed to control herself so
far. Then, I suppose she got to a new place, where nobody knew her, and she
couldn't stop herself."

   "Or mebbe it onea her breadcrums?" he call it.  She like the Riddler,
she gotta keep teasin him like Batman afta she left.  In the cartoon, more
like Cat Woman, only she neva tease Batman likeat, in the Animated Series.
Mebbe in the Comics, but I neva red them.

   "Possibly," he thinkin, "No way to know, but we got to check it out.  If
you want to come to."

   "Yeh," kinda curious, since I herd so much, but not enuff about her.  He
start talkin, then he can't, then he say somethin else lata...  I don't
know, her real good, causa that.

   So, we pack up 4 the weekend, and he even got a hotel.  Put the adapta
in the tape deck, and plug it in he Podphone.  {Fictional device, but you
have some idea.  A semi-musicphone, like an iPod Shuffle.  With a thumbnail
sized screen for album art/titles, but too small to look at porn on. 
iTunes/Pandora equivalent, but not really any other multimedia capability,
like Wifi, or a Camera.  Sorry, moving on;}

   "Who dis?"

   "STP," he showed me, it all black and white, but to small to really see
it.  Then the real song come on.  "Interstate Lovesong." He put it down,
and hold my hand.

   "So, you think she hang him?"

   "Probably strangled him, crime of passion, then made it look autoerotic,
or like a suicide for the police."

   "Why?"

   "Huh, my brother."

   He look hurt.  "Sorry."

   "Huh!" he squeeze my hand, "You didn't know, but.  I should have told
you.  Long ago, but I guess we got plenty of time." I just look down at his
phone, the song changin anyways.

   [Pearl Jam - Jeremy (Ten)]

   "Huh!" he set it down.  "He was sick.  For years, he molested me, then a
girl, and." He swallow so hard, I seen the lump jump in his throat, "He
raped, and killed her."

   "Huh!" He looked over, and I put my hand down, from over my mouth.

   "He molestet you, that why, you don't let me." Touch him, he dick.  With
my hand, anything but that.  He can't keep it up, if I touch him.

   "Well, yeahbut.  Huh, she did it too, for years.  Jerry, he just jerked
off with me.  Showed me porn, and his friends too.  They.  Well, the
Bukkaked me.  You know what that means?" I shook my head, "It's Japanese,
they said it was 'Just a circle jerk' but, since I was the youngest."

   "Uh!" I can imagine, but, not like I want to.  I just shook my head,
till my curls slap my cheeks.  I don't use relaxer, don't need it.  Cause
my momma, it curly, but not tight curly, like a full black girl.

   "Yeah, just once.  I didn't want to hang out with them after that, but I
didn't know how sick he got until I found him, and his.  Well, notes, but
he drew more than he wrote.  Like she does, mostly pictures, but with some
text to describe what they can't draw." She really more visual then words,
like him.

   "You think he done the same thing on her?"

   "I don't know.  She lied about, well pretty much everything, but I can't
tell which is the truth.  She said he did, then she said he didn't, so I
don't know which story to believe.  Neither of them, really, but she
might've.  She rote, and drawed like him, a lot."

   "Wrote what?"

   "Fantasies, and lies about what happened, to manipulate me.  Gaslighting
me, so I had no idea what to believe."

   "What gaslighting again?" He explained it, but I still don't get it.

   "It's a, subtle technique.  For instance, institutional racism, and
sexism use it to make you feel stupid.  For being a woman, or person of
color, so you get a double dose being a woman of color."

   "And Immigrent." Just glad to listen to something else.  He do that,
change the subject when I start to feel, well it's fucked up.  Ain't no
otha way to say it.

   "Right, especially now.  So for example, when the Secretary of Education
comes on, and talks about Abstinence, or Intelligent Design."

   "Yeh," that new Amway lady.  "What's up with that?"

   "Well, with President Pence, and the cabinet the president-elect
picked." Before somebody killed him, "Yeah, that's probably an even better
example.  It's suspicious, all right?  Nobody liked him, except the country
folk what voted for him, but he barely got sworn in before he was killed.
Now, if I didn't know any better, I'd suspect they let him say the oath
before the assassination, so it was official, but they got the president
they wanted, and killed off the one nobody wanted with 1 bullet."

   "Like 2 bird wit one stone."

   "Right, but I don't know, I just suspect." I laughed.  "What?"

   "It's just funny.  Everone I know, you don't wanna talk about Politics,
or Religion, or they get all butthurt.  Then you, it's like a break from.
What happened."

   "Yeah, that's Privilege." I know what that is.  Ain't got none, but I
seen it!  Okay, not none, I'm in America, but I'm from the 3rd world.  I
survive to get here, with my Momma, and she had to marry to be a citizen.

   Again.  "Yeh." Which technicaly make me a Refugee.  Not a good thing to
be, nowadays.  "I get it.  Enough, I don't need to talk about it."

   "So what d'you wanna talk about?"

   "Nothin'," it's a long drive, "But if you want to talk about what happen
some more, I lissen."

   "Huh!" he nodded.

   "Not like I want to, but it be better, if I knowed more 'bout what we up
against."

   ;

   Edgar (fm...)

   "Huh!  You're right," of course.  "With the caveat that I'm probably a
few steps below amateur, and I like to think I know her better than I do."

   "Then what you think you know?" She shrugged, "She a killer?"

   "Potentially, a Serial killer."

   "Potentially?"

   "Well, technically, the FBI won't count it until they have 3 cases to
pick up the pattern.  What I don't know about profiling, probably rivals
what I don't know about Psychology, but I have the advantage of actually
being there, while she was starting to work out her fantasy." It helps, to
explain it to someone else now.  I'd written about it so long, I finally
realized I was just repeating myself, but having to try to make it
understandable to someone outside it, helps me understand it, better.  I
think, "What I don't understand is the Female victims.  Frame of reference,
I guess."

   "Wuzzat?" I actually like her vocal laziness.  It's not like she's
simple, so she has to talk simply, it just gets it over with quicker, and
moves the conversation along.  As opposed to say a redneck dragging it out
with filler, like, "Uhh," shake my head, "Well?  From what I can tell, she
appears to be alternating young girls, then older men that threaten her.  I
guess for lack of a better word, masculinity ain't quite right, but she
actively fights her gender roles, as she sees them, so it comes off a bit
Macho."

   "Likea butch."

   "Like a butch Lesbian?" Nod, "All right, again no frame of reference. 
You know any Lesbians?" I shook my head, "Sorry," forgot her molestation.
"Uh, maybe.  Do you ever feel, like a lesbian?"

   "I think I understand dem.  Better, not cause you a man, but.  Yeah, I
been wit other girls," Like her sister, how do I just tune out things like
that?

   It's important, so stop gaslighting yourself, and let her talk, "Uh
huh?"

   "I ain't gay, obviously, but.  I guess I can undastand dem, if I think
on it." So, I let her.

   "You mind the music?"

   "Nah," she's not into hip-hop, so I held up the phone to pick something
out on the wheel.

   [Clutch -

   Albums

   Clutch]

   "How bout some Clutch."

   "Yeh, good cruisin' music."

   V

   [Spacegrass...]

   Zula (fm...  Sorry folks, this ones slow, and doesn't look like it's
really accelerating any time soon.  Pretty much making it up the whole
time...)

   "All right, yeh." I thought on it, "Mebbe she like, Lavern Cox, but. 
The otha way round?"

   "Transgender?"

   "Yeh, you think?"

   "Gimme a minute, but," he nod, "Possibly?"

   "I mean, I don't know nothing bout tranny mens, but."

   "Don't say Tranny, it's offensive."

   "Sarry, transmen.  Uh," shake my head, "I mean, if I's born a boy, I
probly be like Lavern Cox, wanna be a girl."

   "Yeah, I never thought about that.  Being a man in a man's body, if I
was a girl, I'd probably want a sex change to."

   "So, at least we got that privlege.  Or, the otha way is like you said,
she like bein a girl, but she jealous of what you mens get."

   "Yeah!  Jealousy is definitely one of her motivators."

   "Yeh, so she like a girl want what mens got.  Power, money, luxurey, sex
privlege."

   "How do you mean that?"

   "Sex privlege?  Yeh, it like.  They buy the drinks, and ask you out, and
kiss you, and fuck the girls.  A girl don't dodat, they get al hert an
start trippen." Black mens, anyways.  I guess white mens too, but he the
only one I really know that well, and he ain't like that.  At all, I
practicly hadta make him kiss me the first time.

   "Yeah!  No yeah, seriousy, you nailed her." I LOL, "Not literally, but
you know what I mean.  She was exactly like that, I get that, she wants to
punish men for that, but it doesn't explain why she raped a little girl."

   "How little?"

   "I don't know, I think she was seven or eight at the time." Can't check
my notes, but I didn't get to talk to her until much later.

   "She have all her teef?"

   "I don't know.  When I talked to her, but it was a year or two after the
assault." ...  So, I told her, what I knew about what she did, "I guess
she's gay now."

   "Like my sista." Step sister, or half, I guess.  Having the same mother.

   "Yeah," look in her eyes, "Only again I don't have the context to tell
if it's gay, or the sexual abuse." Nod back at the road.

   "I din't abuse her," they 'just playin'.'

   "You didn't mean to, but years later, when she started having romantic
feeling for other girls, it interfered with her feelings."

   "Well, I ain't gay."

   "And I don't want to fight about it," squeeze her hand again, "Huh!  You
didn't know, what you're doing.  I get that, but you don't have to, know to
abuse someone.  You molested her, but I helped her with that, and if you
hadn't, we would probably never have met." Pick up her hand to kiss it. 
Like a gentleman.

   "Well, it won't sexy to me," at the time, "I don't even have fantasy
like that." No more.

   "So, why don't we talk about your fantasies, your new ones."

   "All right." she looked up, in the mirror, but with a wide grin.  With
her thin dark lips, and black freckles.  "Mens."

   "You're straight," she nodded.

   "Yeh, butImean, gangbang."

   "Really?"

   "Yeh, all those mens, in the movies." She looks at porn, admitted that,
but not what kind.  "All they dick."

   "Huh!" I nodded.  "How, does that feel?"

   "I done know, I neva done it."

   "No, I mean the fantasy.  How does watching, or thinking about it make
you feel?" Since I can't do that.  Gangbang her, by myself.  I'm not
jealous, but it's not like I know a lot of men, but I can imagine.  Shake
my head, most of them are rapists, and molestors anyway.

   "Sexy." No question, "Just thinkin, all them mens, they want me, all
togetha."

   "Well, you are."

   "Sexy?"

   "Yeah, it's not just me.  I noticed," try my best grin, and wink, "Other
men too, looking at you.  Especially your booty."

   "Yeh?"

   "Yeah, you have a great body, especially your butt." It's not, like a
big black butt, but.  Not that I'd seen her naked, I'm sure it's the same
deep brown, maybe without the freckles she gets on her face, neck, and
shoulders.  But I noticed, and pulled the lever to signal, change lanes to
the exit.

   "You wanna pull ova."

   "Yeah," stop at the top of the ramp, but there's no traffic coming, "But
there's our hotel." I nodded, but pulled onto the county road.  Well,
Motel, but I was ready.  Made the reservation, single bed, I knew she was
ready.  We talk about, sex and abuse, all the time.  Other, less
interesting subjects of course, but we had discussed it.  'You my man,' she
told me, 'an I wanna be wid my man.' I squeezed her hand, and parked in
front of the office.

   Zula (fm Cons)

   Finely!  I know, he say 'to nice a job to rush,' and giggle like a girl,
but I sick of dancin wit myself.  It ain't like he fine, but I like it.  He
fat, not like fat fat, but he got a belly, and he booty shake when he walk.
And I like dat.  I want it, dat, him.  I want my man.  He made me wait long
enough, and I talk about a gangbang.  He get all hot and pink, but my man,
he enuff.  4 2 nite.

   The door close all by itself, and we start kissing right away.  Push the
strap off he sholda, and rub he shirt.  He soft, not like titty, but he
tummy.  I like that, rubbin on it, o feelin it, unda my titty.  Yeh, he put
he hands on me, don't even got to make him, I wanna put my hands in he
pants, and feel it, but I don't wanna ruin it.  I know he don't like that,
so I don't do it.  Like I wanna, touch him.  Like my man.

   He set down on the bed, so I pull my shirt out.  "No," he look up,
"Unbutton it first." I was just gonna pull it off, but it wasn't like my
first man.  Well, not my man, a guy like he say.  Just some guy, took me
out, then back to he place, to fuck.

   "Lay down?" He's black.  "I wanna see it." Imean, not D.  I call him D,
short 4 Eddy, but he white.  I mean that first man.  Now a white one, my
man.  I wonder if he got a skin on it, but I get my shirt open, and, "Oh!"
He don't, it cut.  "I like it." Get down, "Can I" on the floor.  "Suck on
it?"

   "Yes, of course." He feel my hair, "Oh, yeah!!" Play with it.  Not like,
well he alway play with it, kissin.  Or just cddlin, he love my hair.  2. I
love it 2, but he twirl it round he fingas, while I suck on it.

   He sweaty, salty, meaty but not hard.  Not like, a toy, this a dick.  A
real dick, "Mmh!" And they ain't hard.  It stick up, out, but firm I guess.
And soft on the end.  "LHG!" Deep in my mouth.  I gag a little, but just
suck in tight, and pull it out.  "WLSHLUP!  HUH!" Lick it, the spit run
down, and it flop back up on he belly, but I can suck it in again, without
touchin it.  No hands, so I feel on my bra, in my shirt, squeeze, and suck
on him.

   I love dick.  He dick, my man.  Finely suckin on my man.

   "Oh god!" stop.  "No, not yet." Nod.  "Oh!  Yeah!" He like it to, I can
do this, all night.  If he don't bust.  I don't want to make him bust yet.
I wanit, he cum, but not yet.  I aint had him, up in me yet.  But he wanna
go slow?  All right, I can dodat.

   Yeh, and mens.  If they bust, I can just suck on anotha, and anotha fuck
me.  My man, 2, but maybe.  I's scared he get jealus, but he don't.  He get
hot, pink, talking bout me an all them mens.  "Yeh, huh!" Gotta catch my
breath, but he so wet.

   "Hang on," he got a ring out, and he pants open, so I take off he shoes
while he roll it on, help him out he pants, and kiss it quick.  To get the
rubba wet, I don't like it.  Taste nasty, I like dick.  But if I want him
up in me, we got to do this.  I ain't thinkin bout no baby, not yet.  Maybe
when we get outta school, wit my man.  "Yeah," I wanna baby, with my man.
Some day, but we gotta use the rubbas till then.

   "Uh!" Or the booty.  "Yeh!" I do that, I like it.  It different, but it
feel good.  Up my ass, just a toy, so I can finger all up in my buisiness,
but I try that, and it nice.  Don't need no rubba 4 dat, but.  "Huh!" Maybe
later.  I just get my pants down, and my underwears.  Cant get them ova my
shoes, so they just stretch ova he legs, but I need him now.  my man, all
up in my business.  "HUH!" He hands, slip them up my belly.  Hold my bra
whaile I reach back and unhook it.  He aint huge, but he my man.  He dick,
all up in me.  Big enough 2 fuck.  "Yeh!"

   "Huh!" My titties shake in he hand.  My man hand, and my booty.  Bouncin
on he lap, and he belly shake.  "Yeah!"

   "Uh!  Fuck!" So much better'n a toy.  I do that like this, but it ain't
real.  It aint my man, unner me.  He legs, he belly, he dick all up in me.
Jumpin he bone.  "Hiheheah!" Harda, fasta, deepa.  "Huh YEAH!"

   "Uh!" he grab my arms, "Turn over, let me fuck you."

   "Yeh," lay back, he hold it, but.  He don't, even beat on it.  He can't,
it's sad, but he can fuck widit.  "Fuck me.  Yeah fuck me, nh!  Uh huh!  Nh
unh!" He heavy, and I just feel on he belly.  Push it up, and feel it
shakin in my hand.  He stabbin in me, "Yeh, harder, YEH!"

   He better, then that first man.  Smalla, but they right.  It ain't about
dat.  A big dick, just need a dick, and that black guy, he just get off. 
Stop, feel on my titty, but I had ta get out the tool lata.  He all right,
but he ain't like this.  He won't my man.  That what it is.  He my man, an
that make all the difference.  "Ah fuck, NH!"

   "Hh!" then he pull out."

   "Dammit!"

   "Hh!  Sorry," but it too late.  He mess bustin out.  All hot an wet on
my tummy.  I feel on it, slip it up on my titty, but he wipe he hand on the
blanket.  "Here," he touch me.

   "Yeh!" finga in me.

   "Let me finish you off."

   I was so close, but he hada work me up agin.  He know what he doin, work
my clit to, and fasta, and fasta.  "UHRNNNH!" Yeh.  "HUH!" There it is. 
"AH FUCK YEH!"

   Then they cum beat on the door.

   "Ah fucking, A!" We had to get up, talk to the cops.  Way to ruin a O.
Fucking cops.  Hadta splain I ain't a hooka while I gettin drest.

   "He my man," I hold he waste, "We in love, why we cum here." Roll my
eyes, "Racist back home, they done unnastand, but I ain't a hoe.  I his
girlfrien, we gonna get merrit an everthing."

   "Sorry to Bother you." Wrote somethin in he clip board, while he partner
look at the car.

   "Good, couldn't wait another damn minute?" First time, wit my man, and
someone had to go and call the cops.  "Call me a hooka, you shud go arest
dem!"

   "Now calm down young lady."

   "Don' young lady me, and get the fuck out, so I can be wit my man!"

   ;

   School (...  Myst.  This story code denotes part of the Invetigation. 
Short for mystery.)

   "Where's your parents?"

   "Back in Teller," I sat down, in the office, "We're getting Emancipated,
but we want to finish school, and go to college.  So, we're looking for
places where we can finish out the year."

   "What's wrong with Teller, then?"

   "Nothing, I grew up there, but ever since we started going out.  Some
racist elements there started protesting our relationship."

   "Your interracial relationship." Zula was out, talking to the other
kids.

   As good a reason as any, "Why I came here, I heard there were more,
acceptible interracial couples here, so you might be more tolerant."

   "Well, there was only one, I knew about..."

   "Past tense?" He nodded.  Tried to conceal his obvious distaste, but the
way he said Interracial sounded like 'not in my school.'

   "He killed himself." Well, got that subject broached!

   "Do you think he was bullied?"

   "Not here," of course not, "But I wouldn't say, our town is any more
tolerant, about that sort of thing."

   "But he was a graduate, here."

   "He dropped out.  When they got pregnant." When he knocked up a white
girl, out of wedlock.  He didn't say, with obvious distaste.

   "Look, Zula's interracial.  Half italian/African, so she'd be
interracial with anyone, except the product of another Black/Italian
relationship." The problem with racists is they don't think it through. 
Black, and White, it's all they see, despite the fact that neither extreme
actually exists.  It's worse for educators, especially now, because they
teach new generations of racists.

   "We don't condone racism, or bullying here."

   "Good, but it's not like you can stop it.  You try, I'm sure, but kids
bully kids." Racist president, Fundamentalist Cabinet, and Congress. 
Homophobic, and science denying policies already starting, in education. 
It's the new norm.  Honestly nobody's safe, but I''m lying to him anyway,
for an excuse to talk to the students.  High-school rumor mill, just can't
walk around campus asking questions.  Without the faculty becoming
suspicious, without some excuse.  So, Racism.  Yeah, that's it.  Not that
you know anything about racism, right?

   "We do our best, but we can't tolerate sexual activity here," between
mixed race couples, it normalizes it.

   "At school?" I laughed, "It's not like we would, even kiss or hold hands
here.  I'd rather keep our relationship low key anyway, to avoid the kind
of escalation it started in Teller.  We just want to get our diplomas in
peace, but I haven't decided that we can, here."

   "You two live together?" Gasp, in Sin!?

   "We're staying at the motel, by the hiway," out of town, but a short
drive in.  Practically a rest-stop, across the county road from gas
stations, and a diner.  "But it's close enough to commute.  If we leave
early enough."

   "What about in Teller?"

   "No, we still live with our families."

   "Emancipated?"

   "We're not emancipated yet, but we can't live together in Teller.  Too
many people know, and both our houses are getting vandalized.  So, we
probably wouldn't here either.  If we decide to move here." Give him an
out. A way to discourage us, while maintaining the lie.  No, we're not
racist here, why whatever gave you that idea?  But we can't have you moving
here, with your mixed race girlfriend, and show our kids there's nothing
wrong with it.  Which is fine with us, after the investigation.  "You mind
if I look around, talk to the students, too?" Zula already started, but "I
think we're done here." Not like the principal would have known anything,
anyway.  We just needed his permission.

   "Nah, goahead." He waved it off.  No doubt hoping subconsciously we'd be
run off by his totally not racist students, to save him the trouble.  Small
town, fucking country bumpkins, and the lunch room is segregated as
expected.

   One advantage to being interracial, and heterosexual is she can talk to
the black clique, while I'm stuck with the whites.  Not that they're any
more racist, but at least they have a good reason.  To hate whites for
enslaving their ancestors, instead of whites hating blacks for not wanting
to be enslaved.  But it's not reverse racism, it's just racism. 
Retaliating just makes them escalate, which makes them escalate back...

   "Hm," quiet girl, reading.  Alone, white, out in the yard by the long
windows to the lunch room.

   Start there, the cliques probably won't say anything, anyway.  Around
eachother, but you don't have to get her alone, and the quiet ones pay more
attention.  Ask me how I know, because I was one.  A lot of us learn to
keep our mouths shut, so they don't feel the need to talk over us, but I
just stood nearby, and waited.

   "Can I help you with something?" She sighed, marked her place with the
paper cover of the textbook.  Wrapping paper, like a present.

   "I don't know, maybe.  Mind if I sit down?"

   "You new here?"

   "Not yet, but we're looking at schools, so I thought I'd ask around."

   "This ain't a college."

   "Haha, no.  But we're getting progressively run out of town back home,
so we thought we'd try somewhere new, next year."

   "Where you from?"

   "Teller."

   "Where's that?"

   "Down State 9?  Not much different, they just don't know us here."

   "You and who?"

   "My girlfriend," I chucked my head at the black table, laughing inside
the windows, where we couldn't hear them, but she could see the new face.

   "She black?"

   "Yes." Close enough, "You're not racist, are you?"

   "Not really," but looking back, her posture changed.  "What?"

   "I don't know," she noticed I noticed, "Why don't you tell me?"

   "Well, I'm not racist." She insisted, and got up.

   "Then," by process of elimination, "It's obviously something else." She
just stood there, looked down, so I didn't stand up.  "I don't want to
trigger you." She looked away, "But I can tell you're bothered by
something. Is it about that guy that killed himself?' She looked back. 
Scared.  "It's all right, but did you know him?"

   "Huh!" She sat back down.  Picnic tables, concrete, but she sat on
another, and leaned back.  "Well?  Yeah, he was my uncle, but.  Huh!  Not
really my uncle, he married my aunt, and they moved in with us." She hugged
her arms.  "For a while."

   "If you don't mind me asking," subconsciously covering herself.  Her
chest, with her arms, and held her knees together with her text book on her
lap, "What did he do?"

   "He hung himself."

   "I know," I told her that, "But what did he do, to you?"

   ;

   Caroline (Named changed, yadda yadda.)

   "Huh!" I thought it got easier?  "Well, like I said, he moved in with
aunt Karen, to have the baby.  He asked me, if I knew what was going on,
when we're alone." Together.

   "I know it's hard, but take your time." Yeah, that's what she said.

   "Huh, so I told him.  Well, I said 'sex.' And he asked me what I know
about sex.  So, I told him, what all I heard."

   "They have sex ed here?"

   "Not no more.  Budget cuts, but I took it.  And had the talk with mom,
the whole nine."

   "Not to mention the girl's room." I nodded, "You talk to your friends
about it?"

   "Well, you know, they talk."

   "Did you have friends, to talk about it with?"

   "Not really.  They are racist, so.  When aunt Karen got pregnant."

   "They started teasing you, and you stopped hanging out with them."

   "Yeah, pretty much.  So, I guess that answers your question.  Huh, I
don't think, you'd be any more welcome here, with your girlfriend and all."

   "It doesn't have to be like that.  I mean, it's not as if they have to
know, we're going out.  But this is more important now, that we talk about
what happened to you."

   "Well, I don't want to talk about it," okay?

   He shook his head, "I know.  Huh!  I know, from personal experience. 
That doesn't help, at all, and it can drive you insane."

   "How?" He didn't look away.  "What kind of personal experience?"

   "I was molested, first by my older brother, and then by my first
girlfriend."

   "Oh," I shook my head, "Really?"

   "Yes, which is how I know that girls can become abusers too.  It's just
like racism, people don't want to talk about it, so they deny that it even
happens."

   "Yeah, but.  How could she abuse you, when you're a man?"

   "Well, first of all, I wasn't a man at the time.  I was little more than
a boy, and the prior abuse made me, more vulnerable to another abuser.  So,
you see how not talking about it lets other abuses to happen.  It can make
you abuse someone else, and deny it, or make you more vulnerable to another
abuser."

   "Yeah." I know.  "I guess you're right," what he's talking about.  "Uh,
how did she, molest you?"

   "Well, just like a male pedorast.  I guess, the usual.  Touching,
grooming, sexualization, and a lot of mind control."

   "What's that?"

   "Well, it's hard to explain, but let's go back to what your uncle did to
you.  If that would be all right."

   "Not really," but.

   "But?"

   "But, huh!  You're right.  I don't want to talk about it, but I don't
want to not talk about it, and I don't know what one's worse." After what
happened last time.

   "Not talking about it," he nodded seriously.

   "Yeahbut, how do I know I can trust you?"

   "You don't, however I do know how it feels, I've talked to a lot of
other victims, and I believe I might be able to try to help you feel better
about it."

   "Huh, okay, but just talk, right?"

   "Of course!" he shook his head, "I'm sorry, I didn't think, but of
course.  We can even stay here, in relative public so you don't have to
worry about me trying to take advantage of you."

   "Well, I have to get to class, too."

   "Or after school, you can meet Zula, and talk to her, if you'd feel more
comfortable."

   "Yeah," he's right, "I think I'd like that." Not talking about it was
starting to drive me insane.

   "After school?  If you meet us at the parking lot, we can give you a
ride home, or we can go someplace public where you'd feel more
comfortable."

   "Yeah," look around, "Why don't you meet me at the Burger Shack, you
know where it is?"

   "I've seen it."

   "Yeah, I'll meet you there." They already talk about me, hanging out
with blacks.  So, may be a better idea not to, around school.  But, I
actually looked forward to it.  I even felt a little better in class...

   ;

   Zula (ff Talk TW)

   "Hey, you wanna orda somethin first?"

   "Yeah, can you get me a coke?"

   "We can go eat it, acrost the skreet." She frowned, "I sorry, you mind
the way I talk?"

   "Not really." she turn, "To go." So, the waitress pored the ice in a
paper cup.  "It just takes getting used to."

   "I'll talk whiter, if it makes you more comfortable." He tell me, she
didn't say, but he can tell she was Not talkin about getting sexual abuse
by her black uncle.

   "Thanks," she payed, so we took it across the street.  "So, what's
Zap-Rok?"

   I shrug, "A free T shirt?" My mama went 2 a seminar.  Brought back a
pile of them, we poor.

   Not like a park, maybe the town square, but it more like a empty lot
with some benches and shit.  Set down where they can see us, but not really
lissenin.  Sometimes, somebody walk there dog by, so maybe a dog park, but
they pick up they mess.

   "You weren't, abused to?"

   "Not really," shrug, "I mean, I guess.  You can say I's exploited, 4
childporn."

   "Oh."

   "Yeah, huh!  Cause a some, experience I had, growin up.  I was thinkin
I's gay, so I started sextin wit this girl from school, till I learned
she's putten them up on the internet, 4 money." And toys, clothes, a car...
Sugga daddys.

   "Oh, that's terrible."

   "So, quid quo pro?" She shook her head, "That's Latin, 4 give an take,
but D say it help build trust.  I share wit U, so you know I been there and
understand."

   "Yeah, It's just.  Well, that kind of.  I mean it's kinda like, what
happened to me, to."

   "How so?"

   "Well, after.  Well, whenever my uncle was, molesting me.  I met this
girl, she didn't go to my school, she's just staying at the trailer park,
but she saw me, and we started talking.  Like this, only.  I guess, she
used it, to take advantage of me.  I didn't even realize, until.  D?"

   I nodded.  "Eddy, I just call him D." 4 short.

   "Okay, yeah eddy said something about female molestors, so I guess that
just clicked in my head in math class."

   "You didn't realize that what she did, till he say it."

   "Yeah." she wiped her bangs out of her eyes, and sucked the straw.  "Uh,
so she started talking about it, then she said maybe we should talk about
it somewhere more private, so then she took me to her trailer."

   "She still here?" She shook her head, "What about her trailer?" Talk 2
the Hand, "Now, I ain't gonna take you there, and flash you back, I'm just
askin if me 'n D can go see it?" 4 he investigation.

   "No, she took it with her."

   "Oh, you mean like a Campa?"

   "Yeah, a Travel Trailer, they call it.  But the RV park's right by the
Trailer park."

   "Oh, so it her trailer, and she got a truck, o somethin?"

   "Why're you so interested in her, anyway?"

   "We have reason to believe, she the same one thet took all them picture
of me," Raped my sister's girlfriend, and maybe even killed D's brother. 
"Don't tell nobody, but she a serial killer.  Nobody believe it anyway, but
we got to stop her."

   "Oh," she nodded, "No, don't worry.  I believe you, but I see what you
mean."

   "An don't mention it to D.  Neither.  He don't know about the Child
Porn." And I don't want to hurt him.

   Look up, "Fuck." Pull it out my bra, and drop it in fronta my shirt.

   "You hangin out with niggas now too, Caroline?" I stood up, pulled out
my shirt.

   "Kukutomba!" I play dum.

   "What'sat?" he shake his head.

   Fuck You, I think.  "Swahili," Don't even know howta spell it.

   "What's that for?" He pointed.

   "It's a knife." Like the white girl say, "For cutting stuff." Duh.

   Actually, to give them somthing else to look at. 
#LookAtMyKnifeNotMyTits.  They lookin 4 victims, it's as much a badge that
I ain't one as a tool to cut outta bondage.

   "You callat a knife?" He pull out a lock back, but pinch it out with
both hand.  So slow, I pull my shirt down to my wrists, and even put a
twist in it.

   "Now what you doing?"

   I ain't about to get in a knife fight with a bunch of rednecks.

   "Dis," step in, get the twist behind the blade, then around his wrist
turnin to hold it out in fronta me.  "Run."

   She took off, but I get my hip under he leg, and throw him over on the
bench.  Sort a sideways, on the ground, but up against the bench, and jerk
the knife out he hand.

   He friends run 2, but I guess dat convasation ova.

   "Huh!" Let go, there a cut in my shirt when I put it back on, and tuck
the knife back in my bra so it don't flop around, runnin back to the car.
"Huh, huh!"

   We practice.  He got to know how to defend he self agains her, which
mean he teach me her style, so we can practice.  He know it to, I guess sex
wit her like half restlin the way he say it.  Little I heard about it, but
that what I'magin.  Kinda fun sparin wit him too, but we don't fuck like
that.  We take off, but I catch my breath.  I neva try dat, 4 reals B4! 
Cut right through a polyesta shirt, but it take a while, widda beatup
lockback.

   "You all right?"

   "Yeh?" Exitin!  "That work!" I mean I bleive him, but.  I neva try it
B4!

   "We better skip town while the gettin's good."

   "Yeh." Maybe, fuck when we get back to the hotel first, but they probly
call the cops, and they know where to find us.  "Damn!"

   "What?"

   "Nothin," shake my head, "Just xitin'sall."

   "Yeah."

   ;

   D.  {fm...}

   "So, what'd she say?" A lot, took the locals hours to gather a small
posse to gently suggest she ain't welcome here.

   "A lot, but I got her numba, if she think a somthin, she can call me."

   "Good, but you got most of the story out of her?"

   "Yeh, I think so but she here."

   "She was, or is?"

   "Was, she left, but she talk to her, torture her wit flashback, then
kill him and left."

   "Yes," I gripped the wheel, "I had considered the possibility, but that
might explain the female victims."

   "How zat?" She whitened up her language in town.  Second language to
begin with, she's fluent in both dialects, just tends to default to what
she's comfortable with.  With most of her friends, being black.  Actually
pretty damned talented with languages, and dialects.

   "Huh!  Her cycle, it's not the typical rape/kill, cool off, then
Rape/kill again.  Like I said, repetition compulsion, but the fantasy she's
trying to replicate is unrealistic." I could kick myself for exposing her
to it, subconsciously knowing she was so obviously disturbed.  "Huh!  My
brother, 's suicide.  I told her he, ejaculated, and had an erection when I
found him.  That image stuck in her head, and is really the ultimately her
goal.  She thinks that if she get that, fantasy right it will satisfy her,
but that's a delusion too.  She won't be satisfied, can't be because it's
not sexual, it's psychotic."

   "How's at splain the girls?"

   "Oh, she's got this false dichotomy." pick up my hand, "Victim," /
"Killer." Grip the wheel again.  "So, she's trying to replicate both.  I
thought she might be going after creeps, rapists, molestors, and killers
out of attraction, but now I believe she might be seeing herself as a sort
of vigilante.  So, she has to find a victim, to justify killing her
abuser."

   "She molestet her."

   "Yeah?" Not surprised, "Just molested, or raped her too?"

   "Well, she couldn't rape her like her uncle, but she finger her."

   "To relive the rape?"

   "Yeh."

   "She raped her.  Again, doesn't need a dick, or toys for that.  She can
rape with fingers." I didn't tell her about her sister's girlfriend. 
Specifically, in too much detail, like who, and what.  Confidentiality, not
my story to tell.  They know eachother, so if she wants, she can tell her.

   "Then yeh.  She raped her.  She said she aksed, 'like this'?"

   "Yeah," that's consistent, "So she made her relive the rape, and used it
to rape her again."

   "Yeah, but she don't touch herself."

   "No, she doesn't.  Not during the crime, it breaks her focus.  She rapes
and kills to masturbate later," AFAICT, "She's not capable of sex, but
auto-erotically, it reinforces her self image."

   "Yeh," she nods, "Now I get it."

   "Good," we're almost back to the motel, anyway.

   "My man," she stopped me, with her hands to my hips before the door even
swung shut on it's mechanism.  Kissed me, but I thought.  Well, we're not
really fleeing town, just yet.  Just getting away from the scene of
violence, which seemed to arouse her.  At least I think that's what it was,
not talking about.

   All right, she's a child molestor.  Denial doesn't change that, even if
she avoids opportunities to re-offend, she molested her younger sister, and
I'm not okay with that.  I love her, I do, but perfection is like peace. 
You can strie for it, all your life, but don't expect to get it.

   "Huh!" I'm not a child, however.  I shook my head.

   "What?"

   "Just, the case," I backed out of her arms, "Distracted me, I guess. 
I'll stop."

   "It's okay," she pulled her shirt off, with a cut in the side, but. 
There were witnesses, hopefully they'll talk to Caroline before they come
looking for us, because I don't suppose his friends will tell the truth,
but there's lots of people around that afternoon anyway.  What passes for a
Town Square here, across the street from the courthouse.  "Well, stop it,
den."

   "You're right," deep breath, "Huh!"

   "Well, it afta checkout, so." She looked at the bed, "We already payed
for it."

   "Yeah," half naked, well, in her bra.  She patted the bottom of her
clean black curls, like a crown around her head, and her ample bosoms,
busomed between her arms.

   "Come here," I grinned, took her hips, and she felt up to the bra.  Held
them together, and bent over so I could bury my face in their full dark
softness.  Felt back, to her broad behind.  Not like a black booty, dark as
the rest of her, but shapely, more like her Italian side I would think.

   "My man!" She moved my wrist, to zip down the side of her pants, and
stepped back to slip it off her hip.  Nice broad hips, and a bit of a
gather at her waist.  She ain't no skinny little white gerl, she got
curves. Lots of delightful curves to explore, and enjoy.  Kicking off her
shoes, and stepping out of the pants to stand barefoot, in her underwear.
"Huh!" her chest swelled, then my head was in her arms again.  Holding my
face in her chest, then letting co to reach back.  They fell, apart, then
down when the bra released.  I lay back, while she slipped the straps down
her arms, and crossed them.  To cup her breasts, feel for the dark nipples,
and pull at them.  "Huh!"

   I nodded, getting my pants open, and kicking my shoes off the bed to
scooch out of them.  Nice underwear, not too fancy, nor plain, white to
contrast on her dark brown skin, with the black speckles of freckles on her
shoulders, and down the front.  Almost to a point, but spreading over the
gentle blended swell of her breast.  Changing from her bending over,
putting her knee up on the bed.  I scoot over, so she can join me.  Hot
breath on my lap, my tummy, pulling down my underpants for the hardness
within.

   "It's okay," I nodded, "you can touch me." It's not her, she's my girl.
I'm her man, and I don't want any of that tainted by.  "Huh!" Damn it.

   She sucks it in, softening anyway.  I just need to not think about it,
as easy as that.  Right!

   "Here," touch her shoulders, "Let me taste you."

   "Yeh," she turns, and lays down, beside me, but I'm already up.  Kissing
her chest.  Her tummy.  She ain't fat, at all.  Curvy, some women mean fat,
but not like a bad thing.  She just ain't skinny, but her midriff flattens,
layed out, and she has a few dark curls around her navel.  An outy, I kiss
it on the way down, but keep following the lead down to her pubes.  Tight
curls, dark, and coarse, unlike the looser hair on her scalp.  From her
African side, I guess, but salty from her sweat, and "Snh!" Fragrant from
her arousal.  The soft spongey puff, under her pubes, on the bone, pressing
deep into it with my mouth.  My nose, turning to nuzzle it, and feel the
curls brush against the sensitive tip.

   My girl, my Zula.  "Smq!" My love.

   "Uh!" he belly flops, "Yeh!" Her hands rubbing my back, my shoulder, and
down my spine.  "Oh, yeah.  Kiss me."

   "NLH!"

   Pretty big clitoris.  Even with the hood pulled back, with my fingers in
her pubes to expose it.  Not huge, nor like a cock at all, but a nice
reddish tan, or dark pink, swelling between the folds, and the flaps of her
inner labia stretched tight.  Where I can kiss it again, sick it just
inside my lips, even stick my tongue through to gently brush it before it
pops back out.

   "Hufuh!" She humps.  I grin, and kiss her again, and again.  Sucking her
to slip back out with each reflexive hunch of her hips.  "You nh!  Youkin
touch me, to?"

   "Yeah." I have to get my arm around her thigh, but I can feel her lips.
All 4, thinner ones sandwitched between the dark wrinkly ones, and even
find a little dampness with my fingertips.

   "Get up here." On the pillow, wadded up under my shins, and the tops of
my feet.  My knees bumping her shoulders.  She must have moved her hair
before she took my leg, moved it over her head, but I could feel it. 
Bunching around my calves.  I love her so much, all of her, everything
about her, even the slightly disturbing aspects of her sexuality, but her
mouth.

   Yeah, I love her mouth.

   "Huh!" Might as well show her how much, I love the smell, of her lust.
The salty seasoning of her sweat washing away on my tongue to taste her. 
the subtle flavor of her arousal.  "SLAH!"

   "UMH!" She nods, so my hardon swings a little in her mouth, breaking the
seal, but she fastens her lips again, to suck until it bulges on her
stroking tongue.  "KWRL!" Even her cheeks sucking in between her teeth to
gently brush the sides.

   Even the way her language, switches fluidly from the patois of her
friends to the proper English, occasionally with some African words mixed
in for her to explain.  She came here as a child, her sister barely born,
but her mother does it even more, and her mind.  Her brilliant mind, shines
through if you let it, instead of covering it up with preconceived notions.

   "NGH!" Unexpected, but I guess I was worked up, too.

   "MH!  Mhm!" She doesn't let go, but even nods slightly, shucking
hungrily as it bursts out, in her mouth.

   "Huh uh!  Fuck!  Sorry."

   I hear her smack her lips first.  "Sall right!  But now you got to get
me off."

   "Yeah," I turn around, and she settles herself, to get comfortable.

   "Beautiful." I look up, from her wet sex, her tummy, her hands lifting
her chest to hold them together, and her neck.  Her smile, chin, cute
little button of her nose, and eyes, looking at me.  A little frown, "Well?
Get on it!"

   "All right," I put my elbows down, and bend back to my work.  It's a
labor of love, of course.  But now that I'd spent, I can take my time to
enjoy it, without the distraction.

   A better angle too, until my neck gets tired...

   ;

   Bring the Noise (M.I.A.) Gotta warn you, this is potentially triggering:

   "YEH!" All up in my business.  My man, he do it more like a girl, if I
any one to judge.

   Patient, that the word.  Mens, they just want to get down to it, call
girl "Tease" for doing it, at our pace.  That's the difference, you got to
tease a girl, to get ready, hot, wet, moss mens can't wait.  Not my man, he
patient, take he time, and he like it.

   "MHPH!" I got to laugh, but he really goin at it now.  All up in my
business, a girl don't get head, we get face.  All he face, but he don't
just take he time.  Everything, he do, it all.  It ain't about this, or
that.  Whats the secret?  The clitty?  the titty?  The hole?  Yeah, all
that, everything.  Ain't no secret, do it all, and pay attention.  No,
yeah, that's it.  Feedback, pay attention.  He don't even have to ask, I
don't got to tell him, all the time.  Try this.  No, well how bout that? 
Teh.  Now, how bout this an that?

   "YEH!" He mouth, lips, tongue, nose.  He breath.  My man, yeah all that.
Can't even feel, what all he doing down there, but mens, he aint them.  He
him, "My man!" he nod, but just wiggle them in.  Deeper.  2 of them, I
think.  Enough, for now.  I so wet, no telling if it he spit, my business,
or how much of both, but that's the secret.  How he do, it aint' one thing
or 2.  Everything.  That what he give me.  All that.  "Nh, uh!" Drippin
out, runnin down, he cheeks, and chin, all slippery widit.  "Hn yeh!  Huh!"
Can't breathe good enough to say it, so deep breath.  "My ass."

   "Huh!"

   "Tough my ass." There, now I can look down.  Nod, "No, IN my ass."

   "You like that?"

   "I need it.  Now." He look.  Well, it nasty, I know.  It's my ass.  But.
"Nh!" Butt, "Yeah!" Just let my head fall back.  "MRHHEAH!" I think it he
thumb, I don't care, I'm wet all the way down to my ass, and he don't even
get it in yet.  just he thumb, slippin down, between, then he mouth.  he
face.  "NH, yeh!" I can't breathe again.  "Yeah, fuck my asn' NYAUH!  Huh!
No, don't.  NH, don stah.  AH!  Deepah, yeh?"

   But, I been wit girls.  Don't ask me, why i think of that, but i don't
want to lie.  To him, my man, I had to.  But now, I don't want to lie no
more.  I got to tell him, in a minit, when I can breathe, but.  "Nyeah!"
God damn it feel so good!  He gentle, slow, just wiggle it in, but, wit he
fingas, "Huh!" I should be thinkin bout dicks.  mens, gangbangin, but I
don't.  "Auh yeh!" Don't stop.

   But I better, take the time, to collect my thoughts, so i can tell him.

   I'm a child molesta.  He know that, he told me, it ain't like I doin it,
but, yeh.  I done it.  And a lie.  It jus'take one lie, to be a lia.  And I
don't molest, just one.  Girl, why i think of girl now, when I wit my man.

   "UH!" he pull out.  "Wut?" He crack his neck.

   "Hang on," grab a rubba.  So, I get up.  Bent ova, my ass in the air
when he put it on.  behind me, feelin on my booty.  Pullin it open, slippin
the dry rubba up and down.

   "NH!" Squeak on my clit.  "No, uh!  In my booty!" I got fingas, push it
back.  Up, so i can get them in me.  All up in my business.  "MH!" bit the
pillow.  "MRHEAH!" Shake it in my teeth like a terrier with a rat.

   But it don't go away.

   Kesha.

   Keys, she call it.  For short.

   Lookin at porn.  On her phone, her present.  Not just childporn,
pictures, movie.  Live, sext, mens, and Her.

   His ex.  Never met her, she left before we even really talk.  I seen
her, and him, together, and her car around the middle school, but I never
talk to her.  Not my circle, he would say.

   Then, me and Kesha started playin.  I toled her, about my sista.  Playin
pampas, I heard about her too.  She gay, like white girl, and grey, like my
sista.  And me.  Keish, I mean.  Hanna don't care.  That what she call her
self, Hannah.  I didn't know her real name, Kayleigh.  I didn't know her.

   It won't like that.  She want it, I know they say that, she come on to
me, but she aksed.  "You like porn?" I never really seen none.  Nor watched
it, so I shake my head.  Then I toled her, bout my sista, playin babydoll,
and got some diapa.  To play wit her, and the phone too.

   Racist, they like that.  Can't really hang out wit white girl, I ain't
black but I got some, so might as well be.  Kesha black, all black, slave
stock ancestas.  But white mens, racist white mens, they like to watch. 
Like straight mens, gays is bad, right?  Yeh, but they like to watch.  2
black girl play, or black and grey, might as well be black, they don't know
the diffrens.

   And she racist too.  Hanna, I mean Kayleigh, or whateva.  Her, she hate
everbody, different.  Narcissis, he say she hate on everbody cause she
can't love herself, so it make her fell better.  She don't have sex, love,
she can't have that neither.  She just use it, to feel better.  That all it
is, hate.  Got to have a inferior to feel superior.  Idiots to feel
smarter. Ugly to feel prettier.  Sluts to feel innocent, that why even girl
shame girl.  Because sexism, mens make them feel bad, so girl make girl
feel worse, to feel better.  Slut shame, I can't make as much as a man to
afford to live without a man, but at least I aint a slut, right?

   No, I'm a child molesta.  I like it.  Even fucking my man, wit his dick
all up in my ass, my fingas in my business.  I can think they anotha dick,
mens, a gangbang.  But I don't, I thought about Keysha, in a diapa. 
Pampas, wettin it.  Getting wet fo me.  My fingas, the smell of her piss.
Tasting it, lickin and sucking the piss out her pampas.

   "MRHHHHAAAH!"

   Yeah.  There it is.

   I can't lie no more.  I got to tell him, but it a long ride back.  I
want kids, but i can't have them.  I know that, we gone get marriiet, but i
better get fixed.  Before I get pregnent, a daughta in pampas.

   "HIH!" Just turn, breath, pantin like a bitch in heat.  "Hih hin hn,
UH!" Spasm when he pull out.  Nut all ova my ass.  "Nh!  Yeh!" Wipe my
mouth, first.  Then feel it.  Fall ova to catch my breath, and suck it from
my fingas.  "Hh!"

   Then he here, hold me, like a spoon.  Kiss my cheek, my neck, my
shoulder.  Hug me, and hold my bress in he arms.

   "Eddy?"

   "Yeah?"

   "We needta talk."

   "Yeah?"

   "Yeh." Don't wanna.  Got to.

   ;

   On the Road (Again)

   "Uh!" just turn off the stereo.

   "Hey, you want to take this exit?"

   "You horny, again?"

   "No, well." She thinks, "Huh!  But I can get in the mood petty quick. 
We just passed this place on the way in, and I didn't say anything cause it
was on the wrong side, and we weren't even.  Doing it yet, so I thought
maybe on the way back."

   "Yeah," pretty sure I know where she's going with this, "I saw it too."
Click, get over to the turn lane.

   [Adult Paradise] No billboards, but a big cheezy sign lit up on both
sides, in broad daylight.  "Don't you have, toys?" I have to assume it's
not for Porn, because that's free.  We have access to the Internet, don't
even have to use paysites, there's plenty of Tube Sites for that.

   "Yeahbut, I didn't bring any." She crossed her legs, but now she was
squeezing them together.

   "Well, what do you need toys for?"

   She laughed, "Don't get jealous!  Sorry, I'm so sorry."

   "Huh!" I pulled up right by the door.  "Don't be." Didn't know.

   "You fine, so fine, but you just got the 1 dick, and they got toys you
wouldn't believe."

   "Here?"

   "I don't know about there selection," she got out, "So cumon, less check
it out!"

   "Huh!" Well, we're here, all ready parked, so I got out, locked up, and
pocketed my keys.  She was already inside, but stopped at the inner door,
and held her ID up to the window for the guy to let her in.  I followed
her, and got mine out of my wallet.

   "Welcome to porn paradise," the old lady, not the pervy guy I imagined
sounded bored.  "How can I help you with your sexual needs?"

   "Just here to look at your toys."

   She pointed, then turned, and hit a button to unpause the TV show she
was watching.  I followed her back, giggling.  Not me, her.  I've been
known to giggle, but not at the prospect of shopping for sex toys.  I'm
actually a pretty straight forward guy, sexually.  Because of all the pervy
shit I been exposed to, I'd really rather fantasize a more normal sexual,
relationship.  Since I never had a chance at that.  "Huh!" I rolled my
eyes, "Isn't that, kinda," humungus, "Large?"

   "Yeah," she moved down, to a smaller one.

   "Why do you need one, with 2 heads?" I squirmed, and felt my ass squeeze
shut.

   "Oh, for front to back, if this is flexible enough."

   "What do you mean?"

   "By front to back?" I nodded, "You know, DP?  She pointed, in front, and
back, turning her hips sideways.  "It's like a threesome, but you only need
1 toy.  Oh, and I can pretend to jerk off."

   "How's that?" She did the universal sign, but lower.  As if holding a.
Well, it's a dildo, pretty sure that's the word for it.

   "You know," up between her legs.

   "Like a dick."

   "Yeah!" Exactly like white girls say Duh!

   "Huh, so you.  'd like, to have a dick?" Like a man?

   "I don't know," she shurgged, "I wonder what it like, I'm show you take
it for grantet, but.  You ever wonder what titties feel like?"

   "How it would feel, to have them?" I looked down, but my gut stuck out
more than my chest.  I pulled my belt up.

   "Yeah."

   "Not really," I shrugged, "I'm not transgender." Like I said, pretty
straight forward.  "I told you that."

   "Yeah, so I was thinking.  Huh, well, after that I kind of thought
about, what that must feel like."

   "Well, just pick one so we can get back on the road."

   "Hey miss," she held up a long square box, "Can I open one of these?"

   "Yeaha!" she scoffed, "If you buy it!" She dropped the remote on the
counter, and came around it.  "What can I help you with?"

   "Is this flexible enough to bend in half?"

   "For front, and back, double penetration?" I just wandered off.

   "Uh!" bad enough to hear my girlfriend, but that kind of thing coming
out of an old grangma's mouth?  I felt like throwing up.

   "Hey," I stopped, "Uh, hunny?" Silly me, she just showed her her
liscence, but.

   "Yeah?"

   I held up a box.  She said they don't make them, in adult sizes.  Well,
except the medical incontinence ones, but these appeared to have little
black bows, and handcuffs?  Printed on them.

   "Wuzzat?"

   "Pampus." In multiple sizes, with several different prints.

   She laughed, "I a'nt into them no more," she shook her hair, so I put
them back.

   Shrugged, "Good," to myself.

   "I'll take this one," She pulled out her card, so I went back out to the
car while she rung her up.

   "Huh!" Ash tray, bye the door.  "Fuck it," pretty long one, looks like
someone lit it, and put it right out.  So, I leaned over the steering
wheel, and pushed the lighter.

   I quit, but my hands were shaking.  Almost an anxiety attack, felt like.
"Thanks!" She waved the bag, then frowned when she turned back.  "You don't
smoke."

   I shrugged, but took another drag before I flicked it off, and got in.
"So," I started it up, "What you pick out?" Might as well get it over with.
She showed me, it wasn't any thicker than a real penis, but at least twice
as long.  Black, but I mean smooth poliched black black, not like a skin
tone.  No veins, or anything, even the heads were just rounded cones with a
little crease all the way around.  Didn't even really look like a penis.

   [Flex Master 16'] I figured for the length.  So, twice as long as an 8
incher, but she said so she could bend it in half, so I didn't ask if she
thought she was able to take all that.  Or if she had any intention of
using that fucking thing on me.  "What?"

   "Haha, nothing." Just pulled out, and headded down the frontage road
back to the highway.

   She giggled, and flopped it around, then bent it so the 2 ends touched,
and it wrinkled in the middle.  But didn't try to use it or anthing, just
stuck it back in the handle bag, tied it shut, and hid it under her seat.

   "What's that?" something else in the bag.

   "What?"

   "The other box?"

   "Oh," she shrugged, "Justa bottlea lube."

   "Oh." Okay.

   ;

   Zula (FM ...)

   My man, and our new toy.  "Nah, I can wait." Rather hurry home anyway,
then pull over, and try to make it work in the back seat, so we mostly just
talked about the case until we get back.

   To the garage, he famly let him move in to the room behind it.  We ain't
even started yet, till this trip, gave us the freedom to let go.  Maybe he
won't ready, because of being there, had to get away, to let go.  With me,
ain't really no secret, but I can get loud, and it like a basement. 
Halfway buried, the yard slope up to the fence, so it dug in, and we can
get as loud as we want.  Aint no better sound proof then the Earth piled up
behind it.

   "Hihihn!" But with the door open, we could hear gigglin in the garage.

   "Marah?" I guess.

   "Oh!" They know we's gonna be outta town, so they come over, to use it.
"We're decent." Well, pullin they shirts on, ova nappies.  Like pampas, but
cloth, so they can wash them.  With safety pins.

   "You need rides?"

   "Nah, we can get home." Pulling on skirts over it.  Well, thanks, for
letting him have his own room back.  Shit!

   Now, I can be alone with, "My man." Kiss him.  Hold him, feel he soft
body on mine again.  It was a long ride.

   "You okay?" Looking in my eyes.

   "Yeah?" Why wouldn't I be?

   "Seeing her, like that?"

   "You mean, the nappies?" Nod hard.  "Yeah, I told you I ain't into that
no more." It was childish, and we ain't kids no more.  "I outgrowed it."

   "Good," he turn.  I don't even mind talking about it, I just get tired
of talking about it, and I ain't feeling it.  I want to feel him, he tummy.
I like it, he even growed it out more, when I toled him.  I love it, even
more.  And he booty.  Nice big booty now.  But he feel my arms, and push
them down.  To he pants, on he pants, and I feel him, inside them.

   "You aright?" behind him, kissen he neck.

   "Yeah," he sigh, "Huh!  I think, I'm getting over it, too." Good,
because I want this.  I always wanted it.  To do this.  Zip them open, and
feel in he underwear.  Get it out, and squeeze it.  "Hm." Jerk on it.  "I
was thinking, since you talked about it, in the store."

   `Yeah.' in he ear, so I whisper.  Give him a tug.  `I likeis.' Kiss he
ear, and suck in the soft little flap on the bottom.  `Hn,' through my
nose.

   "Yeah," he turn, "Me too." And kiss me again.  "But you want to get it
out?"

   "Yeah," the bag on the bed.  He pick open the knot, while I get my pants
off, and my shirt, so I just in my underwear.

   Lay back on the bed.  It bend, and swing in he hand, but he get he pants
off, and step outta them.

   "You weren't thinking of, using it on me, were you?"

   "Nah," seriously.  2 heads are better then 1, but cause I got 2 holes.
Why I needed the flexible one, so it can bend.

   He crawl up, next to me, and roll it up my leg.  Inside my leg.

   "Well," he whispa, `I was.'

   "Really!?" What I love is he still suprize me.  I know what fetish is, I
done it, but he got the weirdest one of all.  What the kinksters call
Vanilla.  No fetish.

   He fetish is a normal sex life.

   So, I never even think.  "In the booty?"

   "Yeah," he shrug, "You like it, right?"

   "Yeah."

   "So, I thought I might, like to try it.  Too."

   The way he say it: With the caveat that Normal is personal, and unique.
Ask anyone what they mean by that, and you'll get a different answer, every
time.  Normal isn't the myth, the myth is that it means 1 thing for
everyone.

   That why it he fetish.  He never had that, a normal sex life.  He lost
that with he innocence.

   So, I never though he normal might mean, this.  But forget that, easy
nuff with he hand, pulling out my underpants, and feeling in.  I wish this'
normal.  I tried that too, a normal man.  Normal for me, being black, but
that don't work.  He all right, I probly woulda stay with him if he aint
move on to the next girl, and the next.  But he ain't like that, my man.

   He know, the goal is the toy, front and back, and I already got all hot
and bothert talking bout it on the way down.  But you don't go for the
goal, it way ova there.  You got to get all the way acrost the court to
score.  That he normal.  Foreplay?  This ain't foreplay, is he favorite
part.  The end just mean it ova.

   "Huh!" My pubes, I love them 2, but he can rub them all day, all night.
I don't mind 1 bit!  "Too nice a job to rush." ~Columbia.

   "Yeah," he go back to my neck, and I can feel he face in my hair.  Just
like he fingas in my pubes, the roots all the way down to my clit.  He
understand, like no otha man.  Just he, my man.  It ain't just the tip,
what poke out.  All of it, rubbin all ovit, till the curls, and they roots
twitchin in the skin ova it.

   "Huh, yeh?"

   Drive me bananas!  Then he feel me.  Down my business, how wet I is, so
he finga slip up, slick.  Then he touch the tip, and feel the skin back off
it.

   "HhHhih!" Slow, gentle, barely brush it so the skin slip back, ova it.
So he can slip it back, slick from he finga, then back down to wet it
again.

   I been wit girl, and play wit my business 4 years.  He don't touch me
like a man.  Just my man, nobody else eva touch me likeis.  Take he time,
so I want it so much I ask for it.

   "Can I, touch you, again?"

   "Yeah," he turn, lay back so I can get my hand on it.  Finally, I been
thinking on this so long.  I never really done a hand-job afore.  Neva got
the chance, most mens think they can do that, and got they eyes on the
prize.  The goal, the score.

   That won't he problem, but he keep it up.  Now.  Ain't a problem no
more. Good.  So, I stroke it, slow.  Gentle, lovingly.  I love it, ever
minit of it.  Like I always wanted, to stroke my man.

   "Huh!" he nod, eyes close, stop even finga me, but I don't mind.  I
happy wit dis, to do dis, maybe a little taste, so I bend ova.  A little
leak out, a little drop, but not enough.  I suck it out, hold him to suck
it deep, and grip the soft end in my throat.  Get it good and wet, then
pump it slick in my fingas.

   "Likeis?"

   "Yeah." So, I put my shoulda down, under he arm.  Kiss he chest, he fat
chest, I like it.  He fat, I love it.  My man.

   "Yeah."

   Smack my tongue, in my mouth.  The drip, it ain't like semen.  Premen,
it ain't got all the stuff make it white.  Clear, and greasy, don't even
taste like nothing, but it a start.
:

   "I'm your man" (L.  Cohen)

   If you want a lover, I'll do everything you ask me to...

   "Huh!" she catches it in her hand.  But for once, no just for the first
time, it's not like that.  This time, it feels like.  The best feeling
ever, better than just the orgasm.

   Freedom.

   From that, she holds up her dark reddish palm.  The white mess in it,
and strings from it spurting out running down her fingers.

   "You wanit?" Not like that.  Offering it to me, so I just nodd.  Open my
mouth, and stick out my tongue to lap it up from her wrist.  Starting to
run down, but sucking it from the cup of her palm.  Licking it from between
her fingers, and sucking the last of it off of them.  My jism, sucking it
off of her fingers.

   "Mh." Actually my first taste of it.  I had some things to work out,
having it forced on me, or attempting to, but that's gone.  Over, in the
past.  We're here, now, and we love each other.  We wanted this, she did
to, and I.

   I'm her man.

   "Lay back," my hands aren't clean, but I kissed her.  Let her taste it
on my tongue, shared the moment, to savor the flavor, our love.  We don't
make it, we share it.  Together, and enjoy every minute.  Every second,
every instant, and the hours we have together to love one another.

   Here it is, what I always wanted, and feared I could never have.  Us, a
love that could be about us.  Powerful enough to make everything else go
away.  Well, maybe not the future, our marriage, slowly working in more,
and more, growing together sexually, and in our love together.  But here,
now, we can take our time, to enjoy it.  We still have all the time to
enjoy it.

   "Let me make it up to you." Now it was my turn, to please her.  The way
I want to, slowly, lovingly, so we can enjoy all of it.  So, where was I?

   Not all up in her business, not yet, so time to get back to that.

   "Hm, yeh." I even love that, the way she says Yeh.  Nobody else really
says it the same as her, so it's her yeh.  "Uh yeh!" Lick my fingers, taste
her wetness, her love, her sex on them.  My spit, also changes the
consistency.  Still wet, slick, but a different kind of slipperiness. 
"Hhuh!  Yeah?" Nodding so her curls pull under my cheek.  Stretch and roll
on the pillow, her shoulder, neck.

   "Snh!" The smell of it, the feel of her hair, her skin, her face, neck
and shoulder.  I love her, all of her, it takes time to appreciate fully.
Too nice a job to rush.  She agrees, even when we get there, that it's so
much more powerful with all the buildup.  This isn't even foreplay, this is
sex for us.  Our love.

   And she's relaxed.  More, swirl my fingertip around, and screw it in. 
Out, slicker and slipperier with each dip.  Wiggling it deeper each time,
looser, and adding another fingertip, so she stretches a little more. 
"Hhuah fuck, yeah!" Pawing at her chest, fingers sinking into the soft
flattened swells of her breasts, and rolling them around.  "HuhuhUH!"

   A little drips out, with my fingers, so they slip down.  To her cheeks,
damp, sweaty, probably salty with road sweat too, but I dip my pinky with a
quick twist, and wiggle it to get it good and wet.  And more drips out,
runs down, to follow into her lower crack.  Through the few damp dark tight
curls, brushing them aside to feel the radiating wrinckles.  Tighten,
spasm, and and try to grip at the tip of my pinky.

   Probing, and wiping her juices around to get it wetter.  "Huh huh!"
Nodding, eyes tight, shallow gasps, expectantly.  This isn't teasing, it's
prep.  To get her ready.

   I didn't lie, I didn't tell her, to spoil the surprise, but ever since
we tried it.  I tried it, just my finger.  With a little spit, I pulled my
hand back out not to tease her, but to spit in my palm, and work it back
into her crack.  Her ass.  I love her ass, and now I was learning to love
mine.  The practice, it helps.  It's different, you have to know how to
handle it.  How to finger it, I can hurt her if i don't do it right.  But
trying it, myself, now I know how it felt.  And that helps a lot.

   "Nh!"

   "You all right?" Her brief wince relaxes, and she opens her eyes.  Looks
at me, with so much love in her dark eyes I can see it.

   "Yes, oh yes.  I love it, I want more." Her eyes close, and she winces
again.  "Mn!" Bights her lip, spasming against my pinky, but I feel it with
my ring finger.  My unringed finger, not for very much longer, I wanted to
get one.  Doesn't even have to be an expensive one, but I'm proud to show,
everyone.

   I'm her man, I don't just not care who knows it, I want to show the
world.

   "Hih!" She sucks in her breath, and I feel her clench.  Relax, and probe
deeper.  The tight ring of muscle, opening, and wiggle it in to the
knuckle.

   "Huh!" `yeh.'

   Fuck, such a nasty word, but.  Butt, it's her anus, so I guess
appropriately enough.  Fuck my finger out, and back in a few times, before
wetting my longest one inside her.

   "Nah, to.  I can take 2.  I want to."

   "All right," but gently.

   "Nh!  Yeh."

   I have to scoot my shoulder down, to bend my elbow more, and twist my
wrist to touch her.  Lips with my thumb first, then down to dip it in.  Wet
it, and slip that up to wet her clitoral tip again.  Gently wet the hood
more, brushing it back, just holding my fingertips in her relaxing ass, to
gently, damply brush it.  The exposed tip, witching her face.  Feel the
heat from her neck on my face, flushed so much it makes her cheeks even
darker, her lips plumper with blood.  Her spasming clenches around my
fingertips.

   `Mh?' The slightest nod, lost in pleasure, a quiet moan escaping, like a
sigh with the lightest lilt of wimper on the end.  `H?'

   So beautiful, always, but this particular beauty.  Everything stripped
away to the naked feeling of the pleasure I'm giving her, and the quick
shallow gasps in her chest.  Just holding them, hands limp, but still
gently cradling her breasts.  Bend to kiss a dark nipple, the blood bloated
tip, not even hard, but swollen, spongey, warm, enflamed.

   `heah!" And my thumbtip, slipping into her business.  The knuckles of my
fingers too, the tight, relaxed ring of muscle prolapsing over it, and she
relaxes.

   `hhhhhh!'

   Then I start fucking her.  Slowly, deeply, back and forth with twists of
my wrist to pull my thumb out, as my fingers curl deep within her.

   "Heah, heah, heah Heah YEAH!" She spasms.  "UH!" Against my fingertips,
clenching, and kissing at them hungrily, but a little more dribbles out
with my thumb.

   "Nh, why'd you stop?"

   I look down, find the toy, and pick it up.  "Think you' ready for this?"

   "Yeah!" she nods, grinning excitedly.

   "Okay," I run one end up, and down real quick, and swirl it around her
dripping opening to get it good and wet first.

   It's kind of pointed, not sharp, but a rounded point.  I know what a
buttplug is, or I'd seen pictures, so both ends had a small, butplug shaped
pear of a head.  So, it's easier to work in.  Not unlike my finger, the
night before we got the toy, after i fucked her, and wondered, in the
shower.

   "HhihN!" I'm down, well up on my elbow, so I can lean over, and see what
I'm doing.  "Oah!"

   It's red.  Not pink, dark red, but redder, and lighter than the
surrounding flesh.  Her skin, then her anus.  Asshole stretching, then
snapping tight around the rebated rim of the conical toytip.  "Huh!"

   "You all right?"

   "Nh!" She spasms, clenches, wincing and trying to relax.  "Nhm?" Licks
her lips.  Her thick soft reddened lips, plumped with blood.  Unlike their
normal thin dark slash pulling open over her smile, the bottom one pops in
for her to bite, but she doesn't say anything.  Can't, but she nods again.

   "Hh," I get up.  Ready too, I take a condom from the bedside, and unwrap
it.

   This is her fantasy, but now mine too.  "Just a second." but she's
relaxed, comfortable enough to open her eyes.  Watch me, smiling, and
pulling short shallow sniffs in and out of her nose.  But so hot, as hot
and horny as I'd ever seen her.

   "Yeh,' she even reaches up, for me as I put my knee down on the bed, and
gently swing my other one over.
:

   Zula (FM Toys Anal DP Cons)

   Well, I didn't think it'd be easy, but in the movie I saw, that white
girl didn't show anything leading up to the part where she had it in.  Bent
over, like a ring, front and back.  Just how she fuck it, back and forth
like that.  So, I really had nothing more to imagine then that, but I still
don't know how she done it.  I can just guess she had help, somebody worked
the camra, I still can't get it in both holes by myself.  I don't got to, I
got my man to do it.

   Not all that sexy, so to not ruin the mood any more, I just gonna skip
all the trial and error it took to figure that out, ahead to the good
stuff.

   DP?  Try it.  It feel amazing.  First, he just fuck me, with it in me
like a buttplug, and I lost count how many times B4 he cum again.

   "Huh huh huh huh!" It took a while to breathe, enough to keep going, but
I felt so loose I could drop a baby without slowing down if I stood up.

   He went out, to take a piss, and come back.  But by then I could
breathe. "How was that?" I nodded.

   "I satisfied, but," It was still stuck in me, "I'm ready to try it."

   "Front and back?" He look down.

   "Oh yeah."

   "Well," he turn back, "Yeah, I'm kind of curious how that works, too."
So, when he pick up the end, and bend it up, it stretch my ass.  Down, and
it feel incredible, even the way it hurt.  It anal, it hurt.  Either you
like it, or you don't, I do, but only so much.  So, we try it, don't work,
we try again later.  I satisfied, but it worth a try.

   So then, he want to try it.  We wash it off first, and use a rubba.  He
take a showa too, then me, while we in the house.  He ain't even got a
toilet in there, or the garage, so he got to go out the side door just to
piss, and I gotta go all the way in the house.

   I sure needed it, afta that, but it was the best sex I ever had.  I told
him, and I don't even care about none better.  If there is any, even if it
don't get better then that, there other ways, just as best.  That what it
is, the best sex, don't gotta be the only best sex, and we found out all
kinds of other ways to get there.

   Then we go back out, and he want it.  The toy, to try it, so I suck on
him first.  Standin up, then he get on the bed.  "Snh!" He took a showa,
wash real good, inside to, and all I smell is a little soap.  So, I touch
it, with my tongue.  It taste nasty, the soap, but ain't no shit in it. 
Like I ain't tried that.  Didn't like it as a girl, but I was young, tried
all kindsa stuff, playin babydoll.  Shake it out my head, that was ova,
here, now.  "Smq!"

   "Huh!  Yeah!" I ate it, good.  All up in he ass when the soap taste go
away, and he relax.  Tryna lick in he ass, fuck it wit my tongue, but it
don't go in far.  So, I suck my finger, and tried that.  "Nh?  Neah!" Look
up at he nod.  Eyes tight, swirling the spit around in there, and pushing
the tight pink donut of muscle.  "Hhhh,' Relaxin, it pop up where i can see
it again, tight around the end of my pinky.  "Nh!  HM!" Wiggle it.  "Uh!"
He just grunt, moan, don't say nothin like words, but I know what he
feelin. I love it, and now he do to.  my man, he ass.  I love he ass.  He
soft, but I suck on it anyway.  He limp dick, and he balls.  Stwirl ge
light brown hairs around, and let them pop out.  Suck in the other, then
back and forth, workin my pinky in deeper, and, "Deeper, yeanh!  Hihn!" It
pop out, and clench.  Give it another lick, and wipe my fingers up he wet
crack.  The spit run down, but I got to ask.

   "You ready, for 2?"

   "Hh, heah.  Ngh!  Yes, ngh, hm?"

   Slow, gentle, stretchin till my long finger, then my short on pop
through, and it float back out, where I can see it.  Lick it, my fingas,
and the tight top of he stretch out ass.  Twist it so it roll aorung my
fingers, and he moanin so loud.  Then pop them back out, and pick up the
toy.  Dry, clean real good, so i got to suck on it.

   "N' yeah.  I'm ready, fuck me.  Fuck my ass, now."

   I like it, this, the way the tip almost sharp.  Remember how it just
stretch out my ass, watching he, where I can see it.

   "Neeaauuugh!  Inh!" And it snap tight around it.  The smooth polish
shaft, no veins or nothing, just a thich soft rubbery tube.  i tried hard
toys, like a vibrater, but I like this.  Firm, but not to hard.  Slowly
sinking in, the wet part I could get in my mouth, my throat, then the end
of that.  The dry part, so he ass catch on the rubbery smooth surface,
pulled in as it work in deeper, and deeper.

   "AHHHH!  Fuck!  Nh?  Yhuh!" Nodding.  'fuck me.'

   Slow, drag it back out, damp from he ass, my mouth, then back in.  All
the way, till it run out, or he colun turn.  I felt it, the bend, so it
can't go no deeper.  Then back out, slow, but not as slow.  Don't want to
just pound away, fast, and hard.  Work up, a little faster, a little
harder, don't want to hurt him, but the pleasure i can see on he face, hear
in his voice.  I suck he in, hungry, for that drop.  Bend it down, and turn
it, so the loop wipe back, and forth.  like my G spot, so it milk out, and
pinch he soft dick in my teeth.  Gentle, don't bite, but roll them out with
he skin.  He urethra, to get that thick tasty drop, and smack it on the
roof of my mouth with my tongue.

   Fuck him.  Slow, gentle, lovingly the way he like it.  My man, the way
he do me, and I love it too.  Even fucking him, I don't even get horny
again, but he love it so much, I love all the moans, and sounds he make. 
He don't even get hard again, but after 2, he said both them powerful to,
it won't about that.  It was about fucking him, and he love that.

   I got to wonder, if we can do A2A, and bend it, so he fuck me to.  But
we so tiret, I just think on it, when he pass out, till I fall asleep with
him.

   My man.
:

   'D.  (M Anal Mono)

   It was different.  Almost like she found the off-switch.  Or button, I
guess, but my mind just shut down.  I was lost, in pleasure, but a
different kind of pleasure I can only even think about now.  "Hh," I still
feel it.  Soft inside, relaxed.  I'm not used to feeling my asshole, just
sitting around, even taking a dump, or after.  I thought it might be like
that, but expectation.  Usually leads to disappointment, but this.  Just
thinking about it, I can feel my anus, relax.  Melting, all most.

   "Yeah," it's a great feeling.

   Even touching it, my nail pushing through in the shower, it wasn't the
same.  She left some toys, had to go to work, but it's not as comfortable.
I have to twist, and feel around, I can't see what i'm going like I could,
fingering her.  Or she could, fingering me, and it still feels good, but
it's not so overwhelming.  I guess it wasn't unlike Bondage, or being
parylized by emotional domination.  molested, but different in that i
didn't feel helpless.  It's not that I couldn't move.  I didn't want to, it
feels too good.

   Which is another problem, trying the beads she left.  I guess it's like
a bead chain, only molded from 1 piece of plastic.  Flexible, with maybe an
inch of narrow stock between the first bead, and the next...

   'huH!" Popping through.

   But I have to.  Move, push it in, twisted around awkwardly.  Try various
positions, some better, some worse, I guess on my side, with my legs up
next to me, and my shoulder back to feel behind is all right.  but it's not
the same.  As taking it.  Letting her do it.  HER, fuck me.  I like it, but
not as much as I loved it.

   And it's not like my Prostate, that's another button inside, and that
feels good, but not even as good.  And my anus, stretching for another
bead. "Ngh!" That's it.  The button that makes it hard to move.  It's so
much better just to take it, without having to do it to.  So i can just
feel this, overwhelming sensation, overwhelm me.  my senses, my hand motor
coordination, everything, the whole world.

   Me.

   "Uh!"

   It's better with her.  Everything gone except for me, and her, alone
together.  But we can't have that, always.

   I like this, these beads better, and I can't wait for her to come home.

   But it's not the same without her.

   I can definitely see how this is addictive.  I can feel it, myself
getting addicted to this.  It's better than cumming.  i like that too, and
even the drops milking out, limp, soft, but so sensitive it stung to piss.

   That's nothing compared to the penetration.  She says it's nothing like
vaginal penetration, and I had wondered why anyone would want this, when
they have the organs designed for fucking.  i guess i have my answer.

   But it's not like being Dominated.  I submitted to it, but it doesn't
hurt, emotionally.  it's not painful, if you're creful, but it doesn't hurt
like being molested.  I'm glad I stopped her, before she did this to me. 
I'm glad i didn't let her ruin this for me.  I'm glad I saved myself, this
for her.

   My love,

   My Zula.

   ;

   {Return to start.  That's \Parent Directory/Daring Do (Anal) where I
continue on with Homosexual variations...}