Title: Romeo and Juliet Hooketh Uppeth

Summary: The Stratford Shakespeare Society discovers the
original, handwritten manuscript of Romeo and Juliet. It's a
little different from the one you read in high school, though.

Story codes: mf, mm, teen, hist, comedy

Pubished 2016 by PiccolaPrincipessa

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my permission.

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to keep writing. Please email comments, questions and suggestions
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**********

MINUTES OF THE MEETING OF THE STRATFORD SHAKESPEARE SOCIETY OF
5/04/1989


M: Before we begin, I'd like to thank all in attendance for
coming on such short notice. It is not lightly that we made the
decision to call this meeting so soon after our last [refer to
minutes of 24/03/1989], but since then a very pressing matter has
arisen that requires our urgent attention. So with no further
ado, I hand the proceedings over to L.

L: Thank you, M. Before we begin it is my duty to advise the
constituent members that the agenda for this meeting involves
subjects that those with particular sensibilities may find
shocking, vulgar or offensive.

[E stands and leaves, chatter from the assembly]

W [semi-audible]: I know a doctor who can pull that log out of
her [epithet].

J: Now, now, everyone, of course we're all pleased to've gotten
rid of that leathery prude E at last, but let's not interrupt L.

L: It's quite all right, J. As I was saying, the subject of this
meeting may not be suitable for all present. In fact, what we are
about to discuss will undoubtedly be a shock to you all. M, you
have the manuscript, correct?

[M carefully withdraws a loosely bound folio of parchment from a
briefcase. A manuscript entitled SCRIPTE: ROMEO ANDE IULIET. A
TRADGEDIE IN FIVE AKTES. WILLIAM SHAKE-SPEARE A.D. 1591.
PROPERTIE OF PEMBROQVE'S MEN, PLAIERS.]

L: What we have here is something none of us believed, even in
our wildest fancy, would ever be discovered: a complete early
script of Romeo and Juliet written in the hand of Shakespeare
himself.

F: My word!

W: But that's sensational!

A: It can't be!

L: What's more, the manuscript's authenticity is beyond question.
Just last Monday, during the ongoing archeological excavations
beneath the former site of the Rose Theatre in Southwark, London,
where Shakespeare is believed to have performed during his
so-called "lost years" before his emergence as England's most
celebrated playwright, a small leaden container was discovered
amongst the rocks and rubble. Within was the manuscript that lies
in front of you now. Though remarkably well-preserved the
manuscript is entirely consistent with other surviving documents
from the period, and of course its place of discovery makes its
provenance incontestable. What we have here, ladies and
gentlemen, is perhaps the most significant archeological
discovery in the history of the study of English literature.

R: It's positively remarkable. I'm sure I speak for the rest of
the membership in expressing my greatest delight and satisfaction
that one of the Bard's original manuscripts survived the ravages
of the Puritans.

W: I think E might beg to differ.

L: However, upon examination it has become clear the contents of
this manuscript differ quite dramatically from those of the
published texts of Romeo and Juliet that have been known to us
until now. As we know, Shakespeare's plays were later performed
regularly before royal audiences at the Globe, but nothing is
known of Shakespeare's activity between his leaving
Stratford-upon-Avon during or after 1587 and his first mention as
a London playwright in 1592. This manuscript proves, however,
that by 1591 Shakespeare was in London and writing and performing
his own works. The manuscript we have discovered suggests,
however, that Shakespeare's works in this lost period were of a
somewhat... different nature than those for which he later became
known. M?

M: The Rose was situated in an area just outside the jurisdiction
of the City of London, then rather infamous for its gambling
dens, bear-fighting pits and brothels. In the context of such an
environment, and the clientele for which Shakespeare's company
would have performed, the nature of the manuscript is
comprehensible, but no less startling to modern readers. To be
blunt, ladies and gentlemen, this manuscript is-

L: Why don't we read a selection, and allow the membership to
judge for themselves the nature of the play, M?

M: An excellent suggestion, L. I must impress upon the membership
that what you are about to hear must remain strictly
confidential.

L: I will read two excerpts by which the nature of this original
version of Romeo and Juliet will become readily apparent. Now
then.

[L reads from the manuscript - Act I, Scene V]

Enter CAPULET, with JULIET and others of his house, meeting the
Guests and Maskers

CAPULET
Welcome, gentlemen! girls that have a cunte
Unco'ered with hair will have a bout with you.
Ah ha, my mistresses! which of you all
Will now deny to fucke? she that makes dainty,
She, I'll swear, too olde; am I come near ye now?
Welcome, gentlemen! It is now the time
For wette thrusting into tighte dripping holes
And lustily grunting in fair maidens' ears,
As they will screame: I cumme, I cumme, I cumme:
You are welcome, gentlemen! come, musicians, play.
Cocks out, cocks out! give room! and disrobe, girls.

MUSIC PLAYS, GIRLS DISROBE

Lay down, now, girls; and turn your asses up,
And spread legs open, that cocks may grow hard.
Ah, sirrah, this unlook'd-for sport comes well.
Nay, sit, nay, sit, good cousin Capulet;
For you and I are past our fucking days:
How long is't now since last yourself and I
Bred a young maid?

SECOND CAPULET
By'r lady, 'twas three weeks.

CAPULET
What, man! 'tis not so much, 'tis not so much:
'Tis since the nuptials of Lucentio,
Come pentecost as quickly as it will,
Some seven days; and his young bride we fucked.

SECOND CAPULET
'Tis more, 'tis more, and she was not a maid;
She was with child.

CAPULET
Will you tell me that?
She was as tight as if I was her first.
And smooth and bare she was, as I recall;
In sooth, I'd wager all my gold and lands
Her twelfth name day, that young bride had passed not.

ROMEO
TO A SERVINGMAN: What lady is that, whose lips doth sheath the cock
Of yonder knight?

SERVANT
I know not, sir.

ROMEO
O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
With graceful smile his large girth doth she take.
As piss through snow he thrusteth down her throat;
A mouth designed for cocks, for else too dear!
So shows a snowy dove trooping with ducks,
As yonder lady o'er her fellows sucks.
Alack, the full length of his staff he drives
Full into ivory throat. As muffled choke
And pulsing bulge betray, with fertile sauce
To fill stomach he aims. From nose and 'round
Her soft and tender lips is cum expelled,
Paints fair face with thick and viscuous strands:
As artist's brush embellishes portrait,
Does cum render angelic this girl's visage.
The knight's cock spent, I'll watch her place of stand,
And, touching hers, make blessed my rude hand.
Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

TYBALT
This, I can tell, should be a Montague,
With face so fair and rear perfectly formed.
Fetch Uncle Henry, boy. What dares the slave
Come hither, clothed in provoking garb,
To plant his seed inside our young ladies?
Now, by the stock and honour of my kin,
To fuck his ass, I hold it not a sin.

[note: several moments of stunned silence follow the reading of
this excerpt]

M: I would remind the members that the content of this meeting
must remain strictly, strictly, strictly confidential.

A: It must be a forgery. There is no way that-

L: We thought of that already. The handwriting perfectly matches
each genuine example of Shakespeare's signature.

[several more moments of silence]

L: As there are no further comments, I will continue.

[L reads from the manuscript. Act II, Scene II]

JULIET
MASTURBATING: Ay me, ooohh!

ROMEO
She moans:
O, moan again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.

JULIET
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, but give me your cock.
I ache and drip and long so to be filled.
Unbuckle your britches, release your cock;
And I'll no longer be a horny maiden.

ROMEO
ASIDE: Shall I hear more, or shall I cum at this?

JULIET
MOANING, CUMMING: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thy cock's thy own, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor cock, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call semen
By any other name would taste as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that massive tool for fucking cuntes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all my holes.

ROMEO
I take thee at thy word:
But lift thy skirts, and in your cunte I'll thrust;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

JULIET
What man art thou that thus bereft of robes
So stumblest on my counsel?

ROMEO
By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee;
Had I it written, I would tear the word.

JULIET
My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know thy sight:
Thine shaft of meat I'd know among a hundred.
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?

ROMEO
Neither, fair saint, if I may not thee fucke.

JULIET
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

ROMEO
With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.

JULIET
If Tybalt see thee, he will buttfucke thee.

ROMEO
Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their cocks: look thou horny,
And I am proof against their enmity.

JULIET
I would not for the world they saw thee here.
Alack, hot do I grow once more between
My legs. Oh Romeo! I cannot wait;
I pray, alight and carry me to bed.
Make haste, for like a fruit that's overripe
My inflamed cunt doth drip and squirt its juice.

ROMEO
And of thine nurse?

JULIET
No obstacle is she;
Your cock she also dost desire, the hussy.
Now get up here and fuck my ass and pussy.

EXEUNT

[more silence follows the reading of this excerpt]

M: Strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly, strictly,
strictly confidential.

A: I refuse to believe it.

L: So did we, A. Unfortunately the document appears completely
genuine. Not to mention, even the later version of the play
retains a great deal of sexual humour and innuendo. The only
conclusion to be drawn from this is that the great Romeo and
Juliet began life as a raunchy sex comedy.

F: Hardly a sex comedy, it's bare-faced pornography. How could
they possibly have performed it?

M: Well, the area south of the Thames, where the Rose theatre was
located, was under ecclesiastical authority, but they seem to
have been very lenient, allowing brothels and alehouses to
flourish. It's not entirely inconceivable that in such an
environment, in the prostitution, drinking and gambling capital
of England, a play like this could have been performed.

R: But all these sex scenes... Who could they have gotten to
perform them? Weren't all of Shakespeare's actors male?

L: That was certainly that was the case during the latter part of
his career. However, there are notes scribbled in the margins of
this script that indicate that for the female roles, young, ah,
ladies from neighbouring brothels were actually enlisted to play
the parts. It appears that young male prostitutes were also
employed to play the parts of Romeo, Tybalt, Paris and Mercutio.

M: I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it seems plausible
that the brothels saw plays like these as a form of advertising
for their services.

J: So, thirteen year-old Juliet...

M: Yes, with teenage Romeo, live, on stage. Several times,
actually. Remember, though, that in Shakespeare's time it was
commonplace for girls as young as twelve to be married, even to
much older men, and to bear children. You'll all no doubt recall
that Lady Capulet tells Juliet that she had already carried and 
given birth to her by the age of thirteen. Of course, the fact 
that young girls and boys had sex on stage in Elizabethan England 
is nonetheless a stunning revelation.

J: So, how does it end?

L: Pardon? Oh, well, Romeo gets Juliet pregnant during act II,
and after defeating Tybalt in a duel, instead of killing him he,
er, sodomizes him. Romeo is banished, while Tybalt enjoys being
sodomized so much he runs off to become a brothel whore. Lord
Capulet thinks Paris impregnated Juliet and arranges a marriage
between them for the next day. She goes to Friar Laurence, who
gives her a potion that will turn her into a mindless
nymphomaniac for 48 hours. The finale takes place in... You know,
I'm not sure you all want to hear this. How will you ever enjoy
another performance of Romeo and Juliet? How will we be able to
teach this to 14 year-old high-schoolers, knowing what the plot
really revolves around?

W: Out with it, L, and spare us your pontificating. If Juliet was
old enough at thirteen for what I think is coming, certainly all
the members present can handle a little mature content.

L: All right, then, if you insist: the final scene opens in a
whorehouse, where Juliet is enjoying the attentions of a dozen
men. Paris arrives and after failing to convince Juliet to leave
with him, joins in. Romeo walks in as Juliet is screaming through
an orgasm, straddling Paris. Heartbroken, in a fit of rage he
furiously sodomizes Paris. Juliet's potion wears off, she sees
Romeo hammering away inside Paris's rear, assumes he's gone gay
and decides to drown her sorrow in more sex, not that she has
much of a choice. Paris and Romeo die of overexertion and Juliet
tragically chokes on cum, at which point the Capulet and Montague
families arrive and bury their feud with an enormous orgy in
memory of the two lovers. The end. Happy now, W?

J: Wow, that was the hottest...

F: Don't finish that sentence, J, and get your hand out of your
pants.

M: Well, there you have it, everyone. That's why we called you
here today.

W: To get J hot and bothered?

L: Har har, W. As droll as ever. It's by an incredible stroke 
of good fortune that the Society managed to come by this 
manuscript without alerting the attention of the authorities 
or media. The obvious question now is: what do we do with it?

A: Shakespeare's reputation, and that of English literature as a
whole, would certainly suffer irreparable damage if this
manuscript was ever made public.

J: Well, I don't know, I think it's actually -

L: Shut up, J.

R: As important a discovery as this is for the study of
Shakespeare and Elizabethan England, I'm inclined to agree 
with A. It cannot be known that Shakespeare first became 
notable as a pornographer.

F: I'm afraid I concur. It would cause an uproar. Like R, I 
find the idea of censoring this discovery objectionable, but
compared to publishing a Shakespearean preteen sex romp to the
world at large...

W: I'm sure my students have already heard worse. If it was all 
right for Elizabethans, then why -

M: Times change, W. Do you really want angry phone calls from
parents, wondering why their pubescent daughters are
enthusiastically chirping about anal orgasms and squirting at the
dinner table and deepthroating all the vegetables in the fridge?

W: I concede you have a point.

M: Indeed. I propose putting this to a vote among the - J, you
can clean yourself up in the bathroom, down the hall and to the
left.

[J exits]

L: All members in favour of releasing this manuscript to the
public, say "aye."

M: Good, it's settled. We've already opened a safe deposit box
for it with the Bank of Scotland. Maybe someday the world will be
ready for this - I doubt it, however. The meeting is adjourned.

***END OF MINUTES***