Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 13:13:46 -0500
From: Josh <btomandback@hotmail.com>
Subject: Sea Change, Final Part

Talk about getting blown away. After posting the twelfth part of this
story, I was flooded with emails. Now I feel very, very guilty about having
shortchanged you guys in the last segment. I have not shortened this one, I
promise. I had no idea that so many people were still with me on the story.

And I apologize for not running these segments by an editor. This Nifty
crowd is really literate!

I knew that a few "your" instead of "you're", "there" instead of "their",
and "its" instead of "it's" were sneaking through. But things like "naval"
instead of "navel" made it right past my radar. I promise that in the
future I will submit any Nifty stories for editing. I also promise that I
have not cut out any of what I was going to put into this final segment.

Thank you all for the encouraging emails and for sticking with me.


SEA CHANGE, Final Segment

For a year, gays had been getting more and more cautious about their sexual
encounters. By the summer after our freshman year, the gay community had
pulled its horns way in as the AIDS epidemic hit with horrific
force. Daniel and I became much more cautious as well.


When I arrived in Houston to spend the week with Daniel after that first
year of college, he gave me an embarrassingly passionate hug and kiss in
front of Roger and Mary. But I welcomed it.

Whenever I had been away from Daniel, I usually waited until we were alone
because that first hug back was never hard enough or long enough. After
feeling his lips on mine and tasting his mouth, I would always bury my nose
in his hair and clutch him tightly in my arms. My body hungered to feel his
body press mine. This time, even with his parents watching, I gave myself
over to those hungers.

Later that night, alone in his room, we again embraced. It was a damned hot
embrace. I began removing his clothes, anxious to have him. Daniel broke
the news that we would need to use condoms.

"Why?" I asked, surprised and frustrated.

"I don't think Kevin was completely faithful to our pact."

"That's not exactly news. Do you really think we need to do the condom
thing?"

"Yeah. For a while."

"For how long? How long do you think we need to wear condoms?"

"Maybe when I get back from Mexico, we won't need them anymore," Daniel
said.

"Bummer. I hope you're done with Kevin now?"

"Yeah. I blew him off a couple of weeks ago."

"Condoms are going to play hell with screwing in the pool." I speculated.

"What? No pockets? We'll keep some with our towels."

"I wasn't exactly worried about where to put them. Oh well, maybe the latex
will hold us together better in the water. Sorta water tight seal." I
suggested.

"Could be fun to try," Daniel agreed.


Our first time to wear condoms together was in Daniel's room that night. We
were each naked. Daniel was sitting in my lap in his arm chair as we
chatted and began to kiss. My cock rose up hard and straight between his
legs.

"You that anxious to try a condom?" he asked teasingly.

"I know it sounds silly," I admitted, "but I'm a little horny thinking
about trying."

"You'll love this then," Daniel said, getting up from my lap. He walked to
the nightstand by his bed and brought back a tupperware type bowl. Climbing
back into my lap, he pulled off the top off the bowl and set it in his lap
for me to see. It was full of an incredible variety of condoms. "Pick one,"
he said.

Picking through the selection, a black and gold wrapper caught my
interest. I pulled it out and handed it to Daniel. He put the bowl down on
the floor out of the way. Then he spread his legs and reached down between
them to grab my cock. He began stroking me. As he did, I gnawed on his
shoulder.

Daniel began to reposition himself to take me up his butt. "OK to move to
the bed?" I asked.

Daniel got up and took my hand, leading to the bed. He lay down on his back
and scooted up on the bed. Then he spread his legs as I climbed up onto
him. Laying the condom down on the bed, he wrapped his arms over my
neck. He pushed his hardening cock up against mine and smiled up at me. "My
body has missed your body."

I was holding my upper body up with stiff arms, push-up like, focusing our
contact at our cocks. "Just your body?" I asked, grinding my cock back
against his.

"Well," he said, "my lips have missed yours."

I bent to kiss him and he enfolded me in his arms. I wrapped my arms under
him. Our mouths opened over each other's and our tongues sought each other
out. I began humping against him as we kissed and felt the long, taught
muscles of his back work under my hands as he arched his pelvis up to mine.

"I'd be happy to just make love like this," I said.

"I know," he said. "We've always liked this. But we can try the
condom. Here," he reached over and picked it up. "Scoot your cock up here
so I can work on in."

I moved up to straddle his chest; purposely plopping my cock on his
face. Daniel growled loudly, grabbed my cock with a hand and rubbed it hard
over his mouth. Then he put his mouth over the tip of my cock and swirled
my crown. As I leaned back in pleasure, I grabbed his cock and began to
stroke it. Daniel smiled up at me, his mouth full of my cock.

While he sucked, Daniel grabbed up the condom and opened the wrapper. He
pulled my cock out, tore open the wrapper, and began to roll the condom
onto me. I liked the feel of his hands working on my cock.

The condom was lubed. I moved back down Daniel's body, knelt between his
legs, and lifted them. Positioning my cockhead at his hole, I began to work
it in. It definitely felt different with a condom. The sensations were all
dulled. And yet, it was not entirely unpleasant. I lowered my body onto
Daniel's.

Once our bodies were entwined and my cock was pounding into Daniel's hard
butt, things were not that much different than they were without a
condom. Daniel and I made love with so much more than just our cocks. "How
is it for you?" I asked.

"Feels about the same as usual. How about you?"

"It's a little different where I would normally feel you sliding on my
cock, but everything else is the same. You feel so damn good, Daniel. The
condom doesn't change a whole lot. You'll have to try it next." I began
rocking into him from my hips.

Daniel's hands roamed my back. "I think I could be happy like this all
night."

"Except that I won't let you. I get to see what a condom feels like inside
too."

"Sean?" Daniel asked.

"Yes?"

"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"

"You mean since the time you told me when I got here? Or the time a few
minutes ago when we came into your room?"

He hugged me hard in his arms, "I love you! I love you! I love you! I love
you so much, Sean." He pressed his lips to my check. At the same time we
said into each other's ears, "Beloved."

I pushed my cock in deeper. And spread my legs on the bed under his butt. I
wanted to be all in Daniel. I wanted to clutch him to me with my arms and
cradle him with my legs and hold him with my cock buried deeply inside
him. For his part, Daniel held me all entwined. We were intimate. We were
one. And the condom gave me more staying power, so that we rocked on and
on.

But then my gut began pelvic wrenching; wrenching my hips down to thrust my
cock forward. On each thrust I pushed as far into Daniel as I could; my
balls pressed his butt; my pubic bone pressed his perineum. I began
whimpering as my orgasm rushed up from my balls. The condom filled and cum
ran back down my cock, out from under the condom and onto my balls.

We slowed. My cum lubricated balls slid on Daniel's butt. "I'm not sure the
condom worked like it was supposed to," I observed.

"There are some large size ones in the bowl with reservoir ends. We can try
those," Daniel said.

"I'm ready when you are," I told him, and slid my cock out.

I cleaned myself with a bed side towel while Daniel retrieved another
condom from the bowl. As he returned to the bed, I rolled to my back and
pulled up my legs. "Let me see how it feels."

Daniel stood at the end of the bed, stroking his hard cock for me. Then he
opened the wrapper and rolled the condom onto his cock. He climbed up
between my legs, pushing them up and positioned his cock at the entrance to
my upturned butt. Then Daniel began pushing in.

"Well," I said with a slightly strained voice, "you sure aren't any smaller
wearing that thing."

He smiled and held my legs up high. As he knelt at my butt, he rocked in
and out. "It does feel different. I don't like it as much." Then he began
pounding in harder. "That's better," he said. He bent down over me. I
pulled our torsos together and kissed him. "That's even better," Daniel
purred.


All that week we used condoms, even in the pool. Of course we would have
preferred skin on skin, but wearing condoms wasn't bad. Not the way we made
love.

Roger, Mary, Daniel and I played a lot of bridge and ate a lot of Chinese
food. And the three of them made the week a non-stop campaign to get me to
take a summer vacation with them.

"I'm already on vacation," I protested.

But Roger was especially insistent. He kept promising that it would not
cost me a cent; he would pay for everything. Since I was planning to quit
work at the start of school anyway, Roger assumed that it would be no big
deal to quite early. Unfortunately, I did. I needed the money.

So they became sly, concentrating on destinations. Would I like to see
Europe? Hawaii?

It was Alaska that finally got me; a cruise up the inside passage. Roger
brought home brochures that showed whales and orcas, salmon fishing,
mountains, rain forests. It was all irresistible.

And then Roger volunteered to push back his vacation to the beginning of
August so I could work a little longer. It would push him hard up against
the start of school and I knew Roger was making quite a sacrifice. After he
told me that, it would have been hard to say "No," even if I wanted. By the
time I left Houston at the end of the week, the four of us were booked for
a cruise/rail trip to Alaska in August.

The following week, Daniel left for a month of accredited immersion Spanish
training in Cuernavaca, Mexico.


I would have never thought that it would be Daniel and I using condoms and
not Michael and I, but that was the case. When I returned to San Antonio,
Michael and I continued without the condoms because we were having sex with
only each other, except for infrequent occasions when we let Lenny into our
bed. Well to be honest, those occasions usually began in the living room,
rather than the bedroom, when Lenny would attack us while we watched TV.

Perhaps attack is too strong a word. But once Lenny starts even the
gentlest loving with his hands or mouth, he is capable of building it to an
overpowering seduction; even on two guys at one time.

And then something really wonderful happened. Lenny got boy friend.

And I mean that it really was wonderful. We were very happy for Lenny. His
new boyfriend was taller than me and fit the description of an archetypical
stud. He was a weightlifter, with medium length brownish hair and from what
Lenny told us, a generous endowment. What Michael and I were pleased with
most, though was the guy's sweet personality. His name was Alexander.

That first week back from Houston, I was still sated with Daniel. He was
still in my nostrils, my dreams, my mind, my heart. And I missed him
terribly.

But I also began to relax into the wonderful situation of actually living
with a lover for the first time in my life. And where before, Michael and I
had much less sex than I would have had with Daniel over an equal time
period, now my sexual appetite with Michael was becoming just as
strong. Most mornings and many evenings, we made love.

We continued to do our "buttered toast" chair thing quite a bit. But we
also were more spontaneous, finding ourselves making love in the shower, in
the living room (when no one was around), everywhere.

And Lenny had gotten us all in the habit of calling each other honey. I was
Sean-honey, and I called Michael, Mike-honey, or increasingly, just honey,
or baby. Lenny was quite an influence, vocabularily speaking.


One night I awoke to find that Michael had walked from the bedroom out to
the garden. It was a warm summer night; balmy. We ran a fan in the bedroom
when we had the house open. I slept hard with fans and was surprised to
have awakened at all. But my body had become so accustomed to touching
Michael's somewhere while we slept, I missed him.

It was a dark night. I could barely see his nude, boyish form in the
garden. His back was to the room and he was looking up at the sky. I walked
up behind and wrapped my arms around his waist. I pressed my soft, thick
cock against his smooth butt, and I kissed his neck and behind his
ear. "Are you OK, Mike?"

He leaned back against me and nodded. I moved my arms higher and rubbed his
pecs and nipples. I wanted to nuzzle his neck. His chest was wet.  "Baby,
what's wrong?"

Michael sighed in my arms. He just shook his head.

"Please?" I asked.

Michael laid his head back on my shoulders and looked up at the stars. I
kissed his damp cheek. "Why are you crying, Michael. What's wrong?"

He started to say something and then choked up. I squeezed him tightly in
my arms and held him to me for a long time.

The garden wall blocked off the sight, but not all the sounds of the
city. The night was still and we could hear cars, neighborhood pets, a
train. Yet we were quite alone together in the garden.

I asked him, "What was it that Daniel said to you the time he had me leave
the room?"

Michael reached up to wrap his own arms over mine and pull them
tighter. "We talked about you mainly. I think he wanted to know if I loved
you as much as he did."

"I could have told him that. Was that all? Was that it?"

Michael answered, "We both decided we were hopelessly in love with you. And
he told me that no matter what, he would make sure it all worked out for me
too. The two of us agreed that we would take care of you, Sean."

"Oh," I laughed, "as if you two don't need taking care of."

"Of course we do. But we know it. You need us, Sean. Well you especially
need Daniel." Michael began swaying slightly in my arms, and looked up
again at the sky. "There was something else; Daniel made me promise that if
anything ever happened to him, that I would love you for both of us and
make sure you did nothing stupid; if something happened to him, that is."

"Me do something stupid?" I laughed. "Is that what you talked about?
Foolish things?"

"Not foolish, Sean. Being in love with a boy like you may be many
things. None of them are foolish."

I was touched. I gave Michael another squeeze. "What were you crying
about?"

Michael turned in my arms. His soft skin was damp with perspiration as he
pressed his naked body to mine. His face, still wet with tears was turned
up to mine. His soft, hot lips sought me out. We kissed and he pressed his
cock to mine. Both our cocks were stiffening. "Make love to me, Sean. Don't
be sweet. Be strong. I need you to love me. Now. I need it."

I pressed my lips hard on his and wrapped him in a tight hug. If he needed
it, I would love him passionately. Picking him up, I carried him inside and
laid him on the bed, under the breeze of the fan. His legs spread slightly
and I crawled up between them. I laid down on him and wrapped him in my
arms. Our mouths met again and our cocks ground together. When we broke our
kiss for breath, I squeezed him hard in my arms, pinning his arms to his
sides. In his ear, I said with all my heart, "I love you, Michael. I love
you." I kissed his neck and held his body tightly, "You are precious to me;
so very precious."

He wrapped his legs over my butt. His arms moved under mine to wrap
themselves up around my chest. My arms were still around his shoulders. I
could see the tears in his eyes glisten in the faint light as he looked up
searchingly into mine. We kissed and continued to grind our cocks
together. I felt his balls pressing against mine. His hot tears wet my face
as we pressed the sides of our faces together between kisses. We held each
other harder. And I realized that I had finally and deeply fallen in love
with Michael. And he knew.

"Do you want in me?" he whispered.

"Yes. Real bad."

He lifted his legs higher. I wiped the tears from his face with the palm of
my hand, and wet my cock with their moisture. Then I added spit to my hand
and rubbed his crack. I entered him, and then engulfed Michael in my
arms. I wrapped his smaller, precious body up in mine. We made a tight
little ball and we made love very, very slowly that night.


Dad and Michael spoke frequently. I think there was something about Michael
that was so opposite from my Dad's outgoing ways that it attracted his
friendship. He also responded to Michael's need for an older man in his
life, a mentor. And Michael loved it.

One day when I came home from work and Michael had just been talking to my
dad, he greeted me, "Hi, little brother."

I gave him a quizzical look.

"Your Dad and I were just talking. I said I wanted him to adopt me--I was
kidding--and he said, 'Consider yourself adopted.' And I said be careful or
I'll start calling you Dad. And then your dad said real seriously...he
said..." Michael was smiling, but his eyes were watering, "He said he would
be honored, Sean. And he sounded like he meant it."

"Knowing my Dad," I said, "I'm sure he did...big brother."

Michael threw his arms around me and gave me a hard hug. Then he looked at
me with mock seriousness. "If we're brothers, does that mean we can't make
love anymore?"

"I've never told you about Colin and I, have I?" I asked.

Michael laughed and started to walk away, and then he turned back, "You're
not serious are you?"


Michael got calls from Dad. I got calls from Ryan. I'm sure both were
praying mightily that we would repent and go straight, straight,
straight. But I will say this. I enjoyed my talks with Ryan. He only
occasionally brought up the religion thing. Most of the time, we talked
about his music (he was doing very well) or aquariums or school or his
family. Evidently, Uncle James had gone through quite a
transformation. Though David was as gay as ever, if not more so, the family
was hanging in there together.


Communication with Daniel was another thing entirely. Back then, phone
calls between Mexico and the states were not cheap or easy. There was no
internet. Writing was not much better.  We spoke twice by phone that first
month. Then Daniel stayed on two weeks longer because he was doing so well
with his Spanish. He would not be home until almost time for the Alaskan
cruise.

In the meantime, I worked hard, earned good money, and hoarded it. When I
told the manager that I would be leaving at the beginning of August, she
was really gracious and told me to check back in with her when I got back
to school, that she might have a place for me. "Too many little old lady
customers will be missing you, Sean. We'll probably need you back."

The idea appealed. Though I had planned to not work this fall so that I
could be with Daniel every weekend, the idea of earning some extra money
for Christmas presents and other expenses sounded pretty good. Especially
so, since we would have just spent two solid weeks together. Maybe I could
work a month or two after school started.

Those six weeks Daniel was in Mexico, I felt like I was turning inside
out. I missed Daniel desperately and I longed to see him again. My
excitement over a cruise, and a cruise to Alaska no less, was building. And
yet, living with Michael was becoming deeply satisfying. I felt whole and
complete living with a life mate.

My feelings for Daniel would always be different and stronger than they
would for Michael. But I loved Michael deeply. And I felt I needed him no
less than Daniel.


With all the dreadful slowness of the Alaskan glaciers I longed to see, the
summer passed.

I did not see Daniel again until I drove to Houston a few days before we
were to fly up for the cruise. He met me at the door. We hugged and I
looked him over. "You've lost weight." I observed.

"We ate a lot more vegetables and a lot less meat down there. In fact, I
ate a lot less than I normally do. Walking everywhere took off some weight
too..."

"I guess the diet is why you smell a little different. Too much cilantro
and chili powder. But you look good. I think it was good for you. How's
your Spanish?"

"Muy bonito."

"Great. Now you can whisper sexy stuff to me in Spanish when we make love."

"I didn't practice that kind of Spanish, Sean. I was a good boy."

"In Mexico? Really."

"Well mostly really."

"Mostly?"

"Well, there was this one other student. But they sell condoms in Mexico
too."

But that night when we closed the door to his room, Daniel warned me, "I
think we may still need to use condoms."

"Why?" I asked, frustrated.

"Well Dad says they've isolated the virus for AIDS..."

"Yeah, HIV."

"...and he says the incubation on this thing can be a long time. There's a
test now for HIV and dad thinks we ought to keep using condoms until we
each get tested."

I was not happy. I spun Daniel around and kicked his butt hard with the top
of my foot. He fell onto the bed. I jumped on him and pinned his
shoulders. I bent my face down to his and said, "The only reason I'll go
along with this condom thing any longer with you is because I would never
want you catching anything from me, but as soon as we get back, we get the
tests."

There would not be time for tests before the trip. There was shopping to
do. Roger sent Daniel and me out with emphatic instructions to both get
outfitted for an Alaska cruise which would have the happy effect of giving
me a fall wardrobe as well. Daniel looked hard, but could not find fur
thongs for us. He did find us plenty of flannel boxers.

The cruise started with a flight, to Seattle, and then we had to cross over
to Vancouver (some crazy ship regulations) to board our ship. Roger had a
second book in publication and was doing very well financially. He had a
surprise for us. Daniel and I had a promenade deck stateroom adjacent to
Roger and Mary's. The stateroom had a queen size bed, chest, desk, and
small bath. The portholes looked out onto the broad, wood-decked promenade
that circled the entire ship.

As soon as the boat was under sail, Daniel and I began an exploration of
the ship. It was a Norwegian liner, and not a small one. There were many
decks and public areas. Daniel and I made a mental note to return to the
pool, jacuzzi, and sauna later.

As good gays always do, we checked out all the males on the ship. There was
a beautiful boy, around our age who was traveling with an older woman. His
mom? The boy had long, wavy black hair and deep blue eyes. His skin was
smooth and boyish. Daniel and I speculated. Without really arranging to, we
followed them onto an elevator to the high bar (up around the ship's
funnel. Both the boy and the woman looked us over. We looked over the
boy. Everyone smiled.

When we got off the elevator, we saw which way they headed and went the
other. We broke up laughing as we argued who would have to take the older
woman. We were at the same sitting at meals with the two of them and Daniel
and I were acutely aware of their constant looks in our direction.

Meals on board a cruise are always excellent, and never ending. That first
supper a string quartet played. Afterward, Roger, Mary, Daniel and I hit
the casino and a floor show. Then we toured the bars. We lost Roger and
Mary after the midnight buffet. Long after that, Daniel and I ended our
tour of the bars a small bar down in the stern of the boat. There were a
few musicians playing slower dance music and there was a small dance
floor. It was music that would appeal to older passengers who had all gone
to bed. Daniel and I were the only ones.

We talked while the orchestra played a couple of final pieces. There was a
young violinist who had a beautiful dark, Mediterranean look with full lips
and round brown eyes, with curly black hair and thick eyebrows. Daniel and
I stole looks at him, and applauded each song. When the orchestra finished
Daniel excused himself. I watched as he walked over to the orchestra and
brought the young violinist back to our table.

"This is Andre," Daniel said. "I have asked if he would let me hire him to
play for you and me." Daniel turned to Andre. "Do you know a private place
where you could play and my friend and I can dance?"

Andre smiled broadly and nodded. Daniel and I were in sweaters and sports
coats. Andre grabbed a jacket and led the way, up several levels and
forward on the ship. We finally emerged onto a forward observation deck
that ran around the front of the ship's superstructure, two stories above
the main deck. There was a high solid rail in front of us and a blank wall
behind. It was chilly and late. No one else was out on deck.

In the light of a half-moon we could see the pine tree covered hills of
Vancouver Island descend to the water on our left and the pine covered
hills of the Canadian mainland descend to the water on our right. The cool
air was heavy with the scent of pine and of salt water. The sound of the
water breaking across the bow muffled other noises and would hide the music
in our refuge behind the rail.

Andre asked, "OK?"

Daniel said, "OK!"

Andre raised his violin to his chin and raised his bow. Daniel put his arms
around my waist and pulled me closer. Andre began to play and Daniel and I
began to move. We ran our arms under each other's coats and buried our
faces into each other's necks. Andre danced lightly alongside us, playing
just loud enough for us to hear.

We danced to Andre's music and the gentle sway of the ship. On either side,
the trees and hills passed in noiseless procession. The moon and the stars
over us spun as we spun and made a dance of a long, lover's embrace.

The air worked its way into our clothes and we became cold. "You ready to
go in?" I asked with a little shiver.

"One more dance," Daniel replied. He grabbed Andre's arm and pulled him
closer to us. Daniel asked him, "Can you play by ear? Can you play a song
if you just hear it?" Andre nodded.

This was embarrassing. I knew what was coming.

"Sing my song for him, Sean."

I frowned. I had never sung Daniel's song for anyone else to hear.

"Please? It's my song, isn't it?"

I relented. "It's not real good," I told Andre. Daniel slapped my ass and
Andre laughed.

And then I sang the song to Andre. Andre knew how to score points. He acted
impressed. He had me sing it a second time while he picked it out on the
violin. Part way into the third time, he had it.  Daniel and I danced all
entwined as Andre played Daniel's song. Our feet almost stopped moving as
we simply swayed. Our lips worked up each others necks until we were deep
in a passionate kiss and did not notice right away that Andre had finished
playing.

We caught our breath. Daniel pulled out his wallet and handed several bills
to Andre. Andre smiled broadly and gave a couple of little bows. "Tomorrow
night," he asked, "You want me to play in your room?"

We laughed and Daniel swatted Andre lightly on the butt.

Back at the stateroom, we undressed each other. We fell into a sixty-nine
on the bed. Daniel's cologne had mixed with mine on my face and neck, the
taste of scotch was still in my mouth, the scent from between Daniel's legs
mixed with it all in a lavish, intoxicating blend. His balls and cock were
cool. I warmed them with my breath and mouth before I put my lips over the
soft skin of his shaft and skinned him back to lick his crown inside my
mouth. I began to bob up and down his cock. I had drunk enough that night
to deep throat him easily.

We brought each other to a climax, and then I moved up alongside Daniel and
pulled the covers over us. It seemed like only minutes before we woke up to
daylight coming through the porthole curtains. The ship was at anchor in
port.

That week we salmon fished, canoed, took special boat trips, a helicopter
tour, train ride, and much more. I took pictures of orcas and whales, or
more specifically orca tails and whale tails. I did get a great picture of
a glacier calving in Glacier Bay. But the best pictures I took the entire
time were of Daniel and Roger and Mary. And the biggest delight of it all
was that I was doing it all with Daniel.

The weather held well except for one day which was misty and cool. That
day, Daniel and I snuck up to the men's sauna/jacuzzi. We were lying on our
towels in the sauna when the dark haired young man who was traveling with
an older woman came in. He seemed as surprised to see us as we were to see
him. He gave us a smile.

His name was Arnold. When we asked who he was traveling with, he gave a
knowing smile and said, his aunt Janet. When he asked who we were traveling
with, Daniel gave a knowing smile and said each other. Arnold smiled
again. He pulled off his towel and made a big show of drying the sweat off
his head. He was nicely hung.

He laid his towel on a bench on the opposite wall and leaned back to watch
us. It was hard not to notice when he started to get hard. We chatted. He
admitted that Janet was not his aunt, but his sugar mama. He invited us to
come for a four-way, but we declined. Then he asked about a
three-way. Again we declined. But he was good natured about it. Especially
when we told him that we thought he was good looking, but that we were just
being more careful lately.

"We were going to do something you might enjoy, though," Daniel said.

Arnold brightened. I frowned. What did Daniel have in mind?

"We were going to streak the deck."

"Like hell we were," I said.

"Sure," Daniel insisted. "In this weather, who's going to be out anyway?
And hell, Sean, you've wanted to show that monster to the world anyway..."

"Have not!"

"...we'll just streak around the deck, duck back in here to dress, and then
blend back into the crowd."

"What crowd," I complained. "You just said no one was going to be out in
weather like this."

"Shut up, Sean. It's a good idea, isn't it Arnold."

Arnold nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah, I streaked a football game once."

I threw up my hands. "I have definitely fallen into the wrong crowd!"

Daniel got us lined up at the side door out to the deck. "You lead," Daniel
said to me, "You're the runner."

"Yeah, right. I think I'll feel a whole lot safer if you lead the way."

Without even saying, "Ready, set," Daniel took off out the door. Arnold was
next and I took up the rear. As we left the door, we took a left toward the
bow, running hard. The weather had cleared, but no one was on the deck.

But then on the left were several large windows into the workout area where
a ladies aerobic class was in session. Several ladies saw us. "Damn it,
Daniel," I cried out. "That room goes all the way through and there are
windows on the other side. They're going to be waiting for us."

We ran on, passed some staterooms and rounded the front. There was a lounge
across the front of that deck. It looked out over the bow. As we went past
the windows, we could hear some whoops from inside.

We rounded the front and headed down the side, past more
staterooms. Several ladies lined the windows of the aerobic workout room as
we ran past. We could hear the whistles through the windows. We were
laughing hard as we rounded the end of the deck to run across the stern. On
the fantail below, the string quartet had set up and a crowd had gathered
to listen to them play. Several faces turned up to us.

"I saw Andre," Daniel called back.

"I think I saw Janet," Arnold yelled.

"At least we didn't see Roger and Mary," I called ahead as Daniel rounded
the corner to head back up the side. We were almost home. As each of us
rounded the corner, we each collided, quite physically, with Roger and
Mary.

By the time I collided with them, they had gotten over the shock and were
laughing. As we ran off, Roger called, "Hey, we were looking for you
boys. Can't you stop and talk."

We reached the side door to the Sauna. It was locked. Arnold and I were
yelling at Daniel. We had to dash a little further up to the door to a
passage way and work back the sauna that way. We finally made it into the
room, all gasping for breath.

"If," I said, "we're...going..to ever...blend...into a...crowd," I took a
deep breath, "it's going to have to be on another boat."

My fears were confirmed that night when we went into the grand salon for
dinner seating. There was a spattering of applause.

The next morning the ship's paper which is slid under every stateroom door
had a special "Streaker's Bulletin." Under the headline, it said, "The
weather should be excellent at sea today for streaking, should the young
men who showed off their 'talents' yesterday wish to repeat. The ship's
doctor informs us that the cold brisk air is great for circulation while
streaking. We are willing to announce a time if our streakers wish, but
must warn them that ship's security takes a dim view of running bare foot
on slick decks. Yesterday security was unable to track the young men down,
however. Even though some passengers insisted they saw right through the
young men's disguises, no one seemed to remember their faces."

I read the article aloud to Daniel who was still in bed. "I'll never be
able to show my face on deck again," I complained.

"I don't think it's your face they want to see," Daniel answered.

Reading the paper had made my stomach a little queasy. We were in more open
water now and there was a definite roll to the ship. "My stomach is a
little...green," I said.

Daniel said brightly, "I have a cure for that."

"If it involves running naked anywhere, forget it."

"No," Daniel said, throwing back the covers, "Not running."

I climbed up on him. We embraced. "I'll just stay in here all day," I said,
"and take the cure. That way, I don't have to face anybody."

"I told you," Daniel said, "It's not your face people are interested in."


Though we never asked Andre to play for us in our room, on the last night
Andre played Daniel's song again for us to dance to on the observation
deck. We were dressed elegantly in suits that night and danced in sweeping,
broad steps. And then we slowed, and Daniel pressed me back against the
wall with his body. We kissed and embraced and Andre played on as the stars
and the trees and the hills slipped by.


When we returned to Houston, I stayed over two nights, but then needed to
get back to San Antonio. I did not have to move into the dorm. I would
continue to live with Michael, but I still needed to get back.

Daniel and I agreed we would each get our HIV tests once we were settled
back in school. And I promised to take Michael for testing too.

Within a week of returning to school, Daniel called. "Sit down," he told
me. He sounded very serious.

I sat down. "What is it?"

"Kevin did not come back to school this year. He's got AIDS."

"Damn, Daniel. You don't think he had it when..."

"I don't know. He could have."

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I feel fine. How do you feel?"

"I feel fine, too. A little sick in the stomach, now. Guess we better get
those tests, huh?"

"Yeah. Guess we better."

It was two days later that I hauled Michael down for the test. It was a
week after that that we got a green light from the test. Both Michael and I
were negative.

It was a Thursday. I called Daniel to give him the news. He was
pleased. Then asked if I could go with him to Houston the next day. "Why,
Daniel? What's wrong?"

"My test didn't come back as good, Sean." He paused to let that sink in. "I
think I need to tell Mom and Dad in person. Will you go with me?"

My heart was in my throat. "Sure, Daniel. But you need to have the test
taken again, man, just to be sure."

"I already did. I should have the answer to the second test in the
morning. If it's the same, I need you to go with me."

"And if it's not, we'll celebrate on the River Walk," I said.

We did not celebrate.

It was a very long drive. Daniel and I talked about everything, absolutely
everything other than AIDS.

They say that the initial reaction is always denial. In Daniel's case,
denial was easy. He looked and seemed healthy. The enormity of a positive
test result was simply impossible to assimilate. Roger and Mary's reaction
was basically the same as ours, stunned disbelief. Roger turned to me and
grabbed my arm, "Have you been tested yet, Sean?"

"Yes, sir. I'm negative for the virus,"

He breathed a sigh of relief. Then he turned back to Daniel, "Houston has
one of the finest medical centers in the world. I know some of the people
over there, Daniel. We'll get the test verified. We'll get whatever the
best treatment is. They're working hard on a cure."

But I knew biology. And I had been following the literature. Things did not
look good for a cure any time soon.

We discussed whether Daniel should take the semester off or return to
school. When I talked about taking the semester off as well, all three of
them encouraged me to stay in classes. If Daniel should get sick, then I
would drop out the next semester. There was a terrible unreality about it
all. Not one of us really accepted the news.

I needed to call my Dad. I needed to talk. I asked the Reese's permission
which they gave.

When I told dad about Daniel, he wept. Somehow, it became more real to me
then. When dad regained his composure, he asked if the Reeses were keeping
the news to themselves. I told him they had not decided, but said I could
tell him. Dad promised to pray and told me to let him know just as soon as
it was OK, and he would have every friend he owned praying for Daniel
too. I told the Reeses what Dad said.

That night was the first time I remember Daniel being hesitant about
sex. When we closed the door to his room, he immediately turned on his
TV. He went back to brush his teeth and use the john. I was sitting in the
arm chair when he came back. He sat on the bed.

I got out of the chair and sat up next to him on the bed. I wrapped an arm
around his shoulder and held him tightly. He did not hold me back. I tried
kissing his lips, but he would not open his mouth.

I stood up and pulled Daniel to his feet, and began to undress him. He let
me. I took off all his clothes. His cock was as soft as it ever got. I
pulled back the blankets and put him into the bed. Then I walked around to
the other side of the bed, took off my clothes, and crawled in from that
side. I slid over next to him and took him into my arms. And I held
him. His body was tense and unresponsive.

I continued to hold him. After a while, he relaxed. He laid his head on my
shoulder and I stroked his hair. He rubbed my stomach.

"Do you feel alright?" I asked.

"Of course."

"Then I want to make love to you...Beloved. And you cannot tell me 'no.'" I
said sternly, "You belong to me and I will have you."

Daniel lifted his head and looked into my eyes. "I think it might be best
if we do not make love any more. We don't want you catching this."

I returned his gaze, unsmiling. "That decision is not yours to make; not by
yourself, Daniel. We'll use condoms. Maybe we'll just avoid anal sex. But
you cannot stop us from making love." I wrapped him in my arms and pulled
him hard to me. "Please don't try doing that to me."

Daniel kissed my cheek. "I need you more than ever, Sean" he said.

I ran my hands over his back and he snuggled into me. He pressed his crotch
to my hip. We lay like that for a while. "I'm not getting hard," he said.

"I guess I must be losing it--my sexy good looks," I chuckled. Daniel
didn't laugh.

I pushed him onto his back and moved up to straddle him. Beginning with his
forehead, I kissed down his face, I nibbled his ears, I licked down his
neck. I kissed and nibbled down to his nipples and sucked each. I felt his
cock thicken against my belly. I kissed down past his navel. I licked his
balls and down between his legs. I licked up the shaft of his cock. He was
almost hard. I peeled back his foreskin and swirled his crown. That's when
he began to cry.

I crawled back up to hold him. He was quietly crying. Just a sad cry. I
stroked his hair and held him until it passed. Then I kissed him. He kept
his mouth closed.

"Damn it, Daniel. Open your mouth."

"But Sean, they aren't' sure you can't get it from saliva."

"Shut up and open your mouth now, Daniel. Please."

I kissed him again. He slowly opened his mouth. I forced my tongue in. I
kissed him and suddenly he was kissing me back hungrily. Our hands were all
over each other. We were both hard and pressing our bodies together. We
rolled, first me on top, then him, then me. We ground our cocks together
and made love to each other with all that we were.

He was on me. I reached over and pulled open his night drawer. Taking out a
condom, I unwrapped it and handed it to him. "Wear two at once if you want,
but we're going to do this."

He smiled and rolled on the condom. I lifted my legs up and wide. Daniel
entered me and settled his body onto mine. I wrapped my legs and arms over
him. Daniel began pumping into me. I pumped back with my butt. And we made
love as if we might not have another chance. (From now on, we would always
make love as if we might not have another chance.)

And in those moments we loved each other as much as ever we could. The boy
in my arms, my Daniel, was so dear and so precious to me, I could not,
would not think about being without him. How on earth could I?

We pounded faster and faster. Daniel was going to wear right through that
condom and I didn't give a damn. I was trying to pull his chest right into
mine. I wanted to pull our very hearts together. And we came. We came and
pumped still. His head was beside mine, his mouth on the nape of my neck. I
turned my head to the other side so that my tears would run off away from
him and Daniel would not know.

When he was done, Daniel pulled out and went to the bathroom to clean
up. Then he came back and we lay in each other's arms. We stayed close,
breathing on each other's face and neck. We lay in each other's arms and
slept very little that night.

Daniel decided to stay in school. He was still healthy. He would go home to
Houston every weekend to see the doctors there and update treatments. Every
Friday he would come down to SA, pick me up, and then we would drive across
to Houston on IH 10.

At first, my intention was to simply quit having sex with Michael, at least
for a while. I wanted to make damn sure that if I caught AIDS, Michael
wouldn't. I told Michael exactly that when I returned from Houston. That
night, after I lay down on my side of the bed, Michael laid down on the
other and faced away from me. For the first time in our relationship, he
did not move over to sleep, touching me.

But I could not handle. I needed him; not sex with him--I needed him,
Michael. I slid over and spooned him. I wrapped my arms around him, "Can I
at least sleep with you?"

He patted my hand. "Whatever you want to do, Sean. You know that."

Whatever my intentions, my body knew Michael's body. My cock grew hard
against the soft skin of his bottom. And I needed him in my arms. I needed
him sexually after all, just as Daniel had needed me. We wore condoms.

Every weekend, I did my best to get Daniel's, Roger's, Mary's, and even my
own mind off Daniel's HIV. We played bridge. We shopped. We indulged
Daniel's preferences in food and things to do. I made him run with
me. Short runs. The doctors told him not to get run down, but I knew how
important at least a little exercise is to health.

It was late October when Daniel became sick. At first it seemed like only a
flu or cold, but the doctor's wanted Daniel to drop out of school and stay
home in Houston. I drove Daniel's car back to San Antonio, and tried to
think about anything other than our future. I made a game of looking for
Halloween decorations.

The next weekend, Michael took off from work and drove up to Austin with me
on Friday. We stayed overnight at a small motel. Saturday morning we loaded
the car with all of Daniel's things. Then came back to San Antonio and
Michael followed me to Houston in my car.

Everybody was very friendly to Michael, but that night was awkward. I spent
it with Daniel while Michael slept in the guest room. Michael was Michael
though. He was as sweet and gracious as ever and sat snuggled against me
for the return to San Antonio the next day.

The next weekend, Daniel did not look or smell good. As I held him in bed
at night, racking coughs made it hard for him to sleep. When I put my back
to the headboard and sat up, holding Daniel up as he leaned back against
me, he seemed to sleep better, though I did not. We did not make love that
weekend.

The next weekend, I met Roberto. Roberto was a large Black/Hispanic guy, a
teddy bear gay, and an in-home care giver. He would be coming by daily for
Daniel. I liked Roberto. He was gentle and friendly and, I could tell,
competent.

The next weekend, Daniel was doing better. He greeted me at the door and
gave me a hug. He was weaker. His hug was weaker. And he was thinner in my
arms. Roberto was there, and greeted me by name.

The three of us sat in the living room, along with Mary who was
quiet. Increasingly, Mary spent her time looking anxiously at Daniel as if
she might lose him at any moment. I felt so sorry for Mary. She was taking
it hard. Especially since Daniel was spending more and more of his time
telling us each how much he loved us. In a way, that made it harder.

When Daniel stood up to go to the bathroom, I volunteered, "If you need any
help with that Daniel, if that thing's gotten too heavy for you, I'd be
glad to help." I did not want to embarrass Mary, but wanted to do anything
to lift Daniel's spirits. He laughed, and then he paused at my chair and
put a hand on my cheek.

His eyes watered, and he said, "I love you so much." Then he left the room.

Roberto said to Mary and me, "They all do that. They all seem to need to
tell everyone how much they love them over and over. And they try to set
things right with people."

Mary and I nodded in understanding. Roberto looked at me, "Sean, I have
several patients I tend. You could help me with one of them."

I looked up surprised, "How's that?"

"Well I was telling him about how I met this beautiful boy named Sean and
he seemed to know you. Do you remember a guy named Jimmy you went on a bike
ride with?"

I thought all my anger against Jimmy had disappeared long ago, but now he
rose up, a convenient target for all the frustration and hurt and anger we
were going through, and I reviled him. I loathed even having to recall his
name.

It must have showed in my face, "Sean," Roberto said, "he's dying."

It was like a slap in the face. I loved someone who was dying; no I
wouldn't think that. But as if Roberto had flipped a switch off on my
anger, it went away.

Robert continued, "When I told him about you, he begged me to ask you to
forgive him. It would mean a lot to him, Sean, if I could tell him that you
forgive him. May I tell him that?"

Mary stood up from her seat and moved behind my chair. She never said a
word, but simply rubbed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. And I
asked Roberto a question I dreaded the answer to, "Would it be better if I
forgave him in person?"

Roberto looked me over very carefully. I wondered if he thought I would try
beating up Jimmy. "Do you really mean that? Would you really do that?" he
asked.

"Yes. I would do it."

"Tomorrow morning?"

I nodded. Mary bent and hugged my neck from behind and kissed the top of my
head again. Then she said to Roberto with a cheerfulness that sounded a
little forced, "I told you, Roberto, that I had two remarkable sons."

That night in Daniel's room, we made love as we had so many times
before. We undressed each other and stepped into each other's
arms. Daniel's skin was a little dry and rough. A couple of ribs were
showing. His beauty was just a little more ethereal. But I made love to him
as I always had, and he made love to me.

I laid him on his back on the bed and lowered my weight on him. I wrapped
my arms under him and rubbed our cocks together, willing my own strength
into him. We kissed hungrily, deeply. Daniel lifted his legs on either side
of me and I reached for the lube and the condom. I put the condom on and
applied lube to my cock and to his butt, and I entered him. We wrapped each
other up and I began to move my hips as I lowered my lips to his.

We rocked together. With each thrust, I was willing strength into
Daniel. He was responding, pushing his butt up to meet me. We moved
faster. He tightened his sphincter and I worried that he would skin the
condom off me. But it held.

We worked each other. We knew each others "buttons" and how to slow each
other down or speed each other up. When we came, we came together. And then
Daniel was exhausted. I cleaned us up and he slept with his head on my
shoulder.

The next morning, Roberto picked me up and we drove to Jimmy's. When we
entered his room, I was appalled. Jimmy looked old; very old. There were
dark blotches all over his skin, and sores. His hair was thin. He looked
very weak. Any rancor left in me was washed out by a wave of sudden
compassion and sorrow. This boy who had been so strong and vital was about
to die.

I came up alongside his bed. He smiled timidly up at me. I took his
hand. His eyes filled with tears, and choked with emotion, he mouthed the
words, "I'm so sorry."

Patting his hand, I said, "I forgave you a long time ago, Jimmy. And I
forgive you now."

He gave my hand a squeeze. Roberto dabbed tears from Jimmy's eyes with a
cloth.

We stood there for a while, giving Jimmy time to compose himself. When he
did, he asked, "How is Daniel?"

"Better this week, I think," I told him.

"That's good. That's good. How are your? You aren't HIV positive too, are
you?"

"No. I'm fine. No HIV yet. I'm going to Trinity University in San
Antonio. Doing really well."

"How is your Dad?"

"My Dad?" I asked surprised, then remembered, "Oh yeah, Dad talked to
you. I'd forgotten that. Dad's doing fine."

"Sean?" Jimmy asked. "Do you think your dad would mind if I called and
talked to him again? I'd like to talk to him."

"I'm sure it would be fine, Jimmy. Do you want me to call him first, to let
him know you'll call?"

Jimmy nodded.

When we left I got Jimmy's phone number from Roberto. Back at Daniel's, I
called Dad and told him about Jimmy. "But Dad," I warned. "If you want to
talk to him, you better do it soon. Real soon." Dad thanked me and promised
that he would.

That night in Daniel's room, I sat Daniel in the arm chair, put on my black
thong, and danced for him. Then I danced in his lap and on the chair as I
undressed him. When I had him naked, I again danced over him, rubbing the
pouch of my thong over his chest and face. He teased down the waistband and
tucked it under my balls. Then he licked my balls as I swayed my hips in
front of him. He took my cock in his hand and licked the crown, then
swallowed. He was extra careful to keep his teeth from making the smallest
contact or scratch.

Then I knelt between his legs. I licked his legs and his balls. I took his
cock into my mouth and sucked him up hard. Daniel began bucking his
hips. As he got close to cuming he warned me off. "I'm almost there. Don't
swallow it." So I didn't. I finished him by hand. And then I cleaned him
with a towel while he caught his breath.

Daniel stood up and walked to his chest. There he hauled out the pictures
we had taken with Ryan and the videos we had made at the hunting lodge. We
went through them all, laughing and joking. And we made love far into the
night. When I put the pictures and videos away in the morning, Daniel made
me promise to take them if anything should ever happen to him.

By Thanksgiving Daniel was almost back to normal. He ate well at the meal
and cheered as hard as Roger and I over the football games on TV. It was
one Thanksgiving I was truly grateful.

The day after Thanksgiving, Daniel and I loaded out to the car. I drove him
to a motel in Leakey. I had done my research and knew how to get where I
wanted to go. That evening, I drove us over to Garner State Park. It was
dark when I found the road and drove us up to the top of Mount Olympus.

It was cool, but not unpleasantly so. We spread some blankets and pillows
out on the rocks. Then we stripped and crawled in. We snuggled and looked
out over Garner State Park under the light of a three-quarters full moon.

There was a slight breeze. There was a strong smell of cedar on it. Daniel
and I snuggled closer. We kissed and pressed our bodies together. Daniel's
eyes glistened in the moonlight. And in that moonlight, he looked like
Daniel again, strong and healthy.

We rolled together under the covers. His cock was as thick and hard as
mine. We stroked each other and called each other Beloved. I caressed
Daniel's butt and he rolled to his stomach. He rested his chin on his arms
and looked out over the cliff. I moved on top of him, sliding my cock up
his crack, grasping his shoulders in my hands, and I kissed up the back of
his neck.

He wiggled his butt under me. "Put it in," he said in a dreamy voice. "Put
it in and sing my song to me."

I rolled on a condom and lubed us up. Then I straddled Daniel just behind
his butt, found his hole with my cock and slid in. His butt nestled
pleasantly between my legs. My balls pressed against him. I laid down on
him and wrapped my arms under his armpits. I kissed the back of his neck as
I began to move in him. And then I began to sing softly past his ear.

His chest rose and fell as he breathed under me, butt he moved little
else. Instead, he looked out over the park and the far hills. There are
more stars to be seen on a cool clear night. The sky was full of them. Even
without the moon, we would have been able to see the trees and river below.

It was quiet enough to imagine ourselves at the edge of the world, looking
down from a lofty Olympus. Daniel's body felt good under me. Daniel felt
like Daniel. His butt was smooth and full under me; his bare back was warm
and the skin soft under my chest. His legs between mine were still strong
and lean. His hair blew in my face and the scent of it mixed with the
cedar.

I pulled my butt up high for each stroke, feeling the ring of his sphincter
slide all the way up to under my crown, while I cocked my hips for the next
thrust. Then I would slide my cock slowly in, feeling the pressure slide
down the shaft until I was pressed against his butt. Then I ground, my cock
rubbing his prostate.

The words of my song became moans and the moans became grunts and the
grunts became whimpers. I buried my face behind his ear and breathed
nostrils full of his scent. My gut began clutching with my thrusts.

Daniel raised himself on his elbows and turned his head back over his
shoulder so we could kiss. We kissed. Our tongues danced. I pressed into
his soft tush. He clenched his butt and I came, crying out past our kiss;
crying out over the cliff. I cried out, "Oh, oh, Daniel." And the name
"Daniel" echoed off below us.

I thrust through all the aftershocks and all the pleasant feelings and
could have gone on longer, but worried about the condom. "Your turn," I
spoke into Daniel's ear.

"I came already," he said. "You can go again if you want. Or just lay
there. I like having you on me."

"Hold on," I said, while I removed the condom and wiped myself clean, and
wiped Daniel's butt. Then I laid back down on him and wrapped my arms under
him again.

"I wish we could just stay here," he said. "Just stay here on this hill,
under this sky, in these blankets, together."

"Your butt might give out," I told him, giving it a little grind.

"I don't want to die," he said. He sounded detached, almost philosophical.

"Hush, Daniel," I said, "Don't."

He was quiet a moment, and then said, "I don't know anymore what you think
about an afterlife. I don't know what I think. But if it's possible
Sean. If it is the least bit possible, I will be with you and watch over
you all your life."

"Please, Daniel," I protested. My eyes were watering in the wind. My throat
was hurting.

"But I want you to be happy, Sean. I want you to be happy with
Michael. He's a wonderful guy. And I want you to major in biology or
anything you want to major in. And I want you to look after Mom and Dad."

A sob escaped me. Daniel rolled out from under me and took me into his
arms. I buried my face in his neck. He stroked my hair. "If I tried to tell
you these things any other time, Sean, it would be too hard. But somehow,
up here, it's like we've climbed above the world and time. We're together
and I feel good."

He looked up at the stars and said, "Up here it's easier to believe in
eternity and that I might see it. It's easier to believe up here, at night,
in your arms. It's easy to see us young and in love up here forever, and
it's not hard to talk about dying, Sean. Not here." He gave me a squeeze,
"Though I miss you already, even now."

I put my lips up on his. I had to stop his talking. My face was wet and my
tears spread over his face as we kissed. I hugged him hard, hard to keep
him. Keep him. He finally broke off the kiss in a series of gentle pecks.

Daniel rolled all the way onto his back and looked up at the sky. "There's
Orion's belt," he pointed. And so we talked about stars. We named the ones
we knew, stars and constellations. Then Daniel suggested, "Let's make love
again."

We stayed up there until the sun came up and all our immortality faded in
its bright light.


Dad traveled to Houston to talk to Jimmy. Roberto was with Jimmy when Dad
did. Roberto was impressed with my Dad, and said that Jimmy had been really
blessed. He must have been, because Jimmy told other's with AIDS about my
dad.

Michael and I tested again for HIV and again were negative.

Dad began traveling on the weekends to Houston, too, though I never saw
him. He went to talk with boys who were sick with AIDS. He talked to the
boys and to their families. And those boys and families talked to
others. Dad became very busy.

Two weeks after Thanksgiving, Daniel became very sick. When I arrived that
weekend, Roberto was at the house. He tried to hand me a surgical mask
before I went into Daniel's room. That made me angry, "I'm not going to
wear a mask with Daniel. I don't care what I catch. I just won't do that to
him."

Roberto shook his head and held up the mask for me again, "It's not for
your protection, Sean. It's for Daniel's."

I put on the mask.

Daniel looked very sick. And he had dark blotches on his skin. He also
seemed to be in a little pain. There was no lovemaking that night. I held
him in my arms and shuddered when one of the dark blotches touched my
skin. But I held him. I held him even when he wretched and vomited vile
puke over both our bodies.

I walked him to the shower where I washed us both under the warm
spray. Then I sat him in his chair under a blanket while I cleaned his bed
and remade it. Then I lay down with him again and he slept better. I was
strong for Daniel, and I comforted him.

At breakfast, Roger and Mary and I all talked about how, when this bad
spell passed, we needed to get Daniel out doing things--help lift his
spirits. I was strong for Roger and Mary.

On the drive home to San Antonio, I remembered. I remembered our time at
the beach. I remembered our first bike tour. I remembered his move to
Houston. I remembered our stay at the hotel there. I remembered our
weekends together in school, our night on Enchanted Rock, our cruise.

It was late when I got home. Everyone was in bed. I stripped and crawled in
with Michael. Half asleep, he took me into his arms. I buried my face in
his chest. And the sobs came; racking, gut wrenching,
I-hurt-so-bad-in-here, sobs. Michael took me tighter into his arms and
patted my back, "Let it out, Sean. Just let it all out," he said. But I
knew I could never, never let it all out. This hurt would never end.

The next week, Daniel looked worse. I complained to Roberto, "I thought
this stuff was supposed to drag out. I thought it took a long time to,
to...I thought it was a long disease."

Roberto shrugged and put an arm over my shoulder. "Some go faster than
others. Sometimes, Sean, it's a mercy to go fast."

"Mercy for who?" I asked.

Roberto swallowed me in a big bear hug, "Merciful for everyone, honey. For
everyone."

"Oh, Roberto," I said, clutching the sides of his scrubs, "haven't they got
a cure yet. Don't they have anything to help?"

Roberto rocked me with his large body and shushed me. "Poor Sean. They're
working on it. Of course they are. But those things take time. I don't
think they'll have anything in time for our poor Daniel."

"Damn government," I said. "If they'd just put more money into research."

"Government's not God, Sean."

And I thought of God. I prayed, right there in Roberto's hug. I promised to
become a Christian if God would just spare Daniel. I didn't even need to
have sex with him ever again if God would just let him live. I prayed. And
I felt like my prayer bounced right off the ceiling back at me. Who was
there anyway?

That night as I held Daniel, he asked me to sing his song. I sang it over
and over as he dozed. And I kissed his cheek when he slept, and I held him
to me. I was getting less and less sleep. Why waste a moment in sleep when
I could be with Daniel.

Every Sunday evening when I had to leave for home, I hated leaving. But
every time I talked about dropping out of school, Roger and Mary would have
a fit. And actually, I was doing well on my studies; I had so much time to
read and work while I sat with Daniel. So I stayed in school.

And every Sunday night when I crawled into bed with Michael and he put his
arms around me, my spirit rested and I slept, renewing my strength for
another week.

It was Michael who kept me apprised of my father's ever more frequent trips
to Houston. He spoke to Dad all the time, whereas I hardly ever did. And
now Dad was often taking Colin and even Ryan with him on his Houston
trips. I worried about what they were hitting all those poor sick boys
with. Were they Bible thumping those poor boys when they were weakest and
most defenseless; when they were so vulnerable as they faced their own
mortality?

I mentioned my worry to Roberto one weekend. He frowned at me, "Shame on
you, Sean. You should know your Daddy better than that. I've been there
several times when he talked to a boy. He blesses those boys, Sean, and
their families. He does talk about God, but he talks about God's love and
hope and peace and joy and a life to come."

"Sounds like he's converted you, Roberto," I said, disdainfully.

"Almost, Sean."

Jimmy passed away before Christmas. I went to the funeral. Dad gave the
eulogy. I had to admit, he did quite well. I decided that Dad had really
missed his calling. He should have been a pastor.

Since I would be spending Christmas with the Reeses, I stayed over in San
Antonio the weekend before to wrap up some loose ends. I had already made
arrangements to skip school this sprint and return to Trinity...when the
time came. Finals were over. I did laundry and packing for an extended stay
at the Reeses. And I took Michael out for a Christmas dinner.

Since I had no idea when I would be back, Michael and I made love before I
left until we had drained each other dry. Monday morning, our parting kiss
was long, and full of longing for my return, even before I left.

"I'm going to miss you badly," I told Michael. "You've saved me these last
few weeks."

He kissed me and swatted my butt. "Go take care of Daniel, and tell him I
love him."

Roberto greeted me at the door in Houston. He gave me a hug and asked how I
was doing. I was in a hurry to head back to Daniel. But then Roberto
casually mentioned that Dad and Ryan had visited Daniel over the weekend.

I was instantly furious, "Talk about hitting a guy while he's down and
defenseless," I slammed my fist onto the door jam. And I slammed it again.

Roberto put a hand on my shoulder, "Sean, Sean."

I looked up at him angrily. "What did they say? What did they do?"

"They talked," Roberto said gently.

"About God?"

"Yes, about God and Jesus and life."

I looked at Roberto, afraid to ask. He read my mind, "And Daniel gave his
heart to the Lord."

My heart sank.

"So did I," Roberto said.

I glared at him and headed for the room. Roberto grabbed my arm tightly and
stopped me a moment. "Sean. He has peace now. Don't take that from him."

I jerked my arm from his grasp and hurried back to Daniel's room. When I
opened the door, Daniel was sleeping. His blond hair was spread out over
his pillow like a halo behind his head. His gaunt face did look peaceful,
angelically peaceful. And he was sleeping soundly.

I crumpled to my knees and buried my face in the carpet, crying as quietly
as I could. I had expected to lose Daniel. I knew I would lose Daniel, but
not this way. Not so soon.


Daniel was happy when he woke up; in good spirits is the way they say it, I
believe. And he stayed that way until bedtime.

When we were back in his room that night, he patted the bed beside him for
me to come sit down. When I did, he took my hand. "You've been downright
gloomy all afternoon."

"Sorry, guy. I didn't mean to be."

"Did Roberto tell you about your Dad coming by?"

"Yes."

I guess it was the way I said it. Daniel raised his eyebrows. "You know
then about our talk and the decision I made."

"Yeah," I sighed. "I'm glad for you."

Daniel chuckled. "I can tell. So what? Are you afraid I'm going to love you
any less, you dickhead?"

"You need to clean up your language if you're going to be religious," I
pointed out.

Daniel squeezed my hand and looked hard into my eyes. "I will never, never,
never love you any less...Beloved. Never."

"What about sex?" I challenged.

Daniel leaned back. I heard a wheeze from his chest as he sighed. "We were
almost beyond that anyway, Sean. If nothing else, I'm afraid the latest
medicines have fried my libido." He gave me a bittersweet smile. "I'm
dying, Sean. That gives you a different perspective on things. I want to be
ready to meet my Maker as they say."

"Are you sure you will meet your maker?"

Daniel gave me an unsettlingly sweet smile. "Yes, I am. I don't know how,
but I know."

He looked at me and his brow knit. "Would it be too hard on you Sean to
continue to sleep with me and hold me in the night? Would it be too hard if
we don't, you know, do anything?"

I slid up the bed and bent over him, taking him in my arms, "It would be
too incredibly hard not to...Beloved."

And so I continued to cradle Daniel in my arms at night while he
slept. Later that week, I quietly removed the pictures of us with Ryan and
all the video tapes we made at the lodge and packed them away.

Daniel began to experience more and more pain, partly from so much bed time
and even more from the disease that was eating away so relentlessly at his
body. Rub downs helped. The more pressure, the better. So I spent a lot of
my days massaging Daniel and my nights holding him. I was always sure to
wear a mask because I was becoming exhausted and I was afraid I would catch
something and give it to Daniel.

When Roberto came, he often read from the Bible to Daniel and the two
prayed together. I always left when they did and rested a little.

Dad came up the next weekend. He visited with Daniel who was truly glad to
see him. I left the room while they talked about religion. Afterward, Dad
invited me to lunch. I was not interested, but Roberto was there and he
almost shoved me out the door. "You need it," he told me. "You need to get
out. Get some fresh air."

Once we were in the car, Dad asked how I was. He looked concerned. I guess
I looked pretty bad. I told him I was fine. Just tired.

We did not say much until after the food was served at the restaurant. Then
Dad asked me, "Are you mad at me?"

"Furious."

Dad nodded.

"But I'm also grateful, Dad. I do love Daniel, really love him. How could I
not be happy for him? He seems at peace now. He seems ready."

"So am I forgiven?"

"If you were doing damage, no, I wouldn't forgive you, even if I think you
are only misguided. I only hope you are not disturbing other sick boys who
are afraid of dying."

Dad leaned back from his food. "How do you feel about God?"

"Angry," I said, putting down my fork and knife. I leaned forward
belligerently. "If there is a God, He is unimaginably cruel."

"Sean, you know the gospel; you know the Christian world view. God did not
intend for man to have diseases. Who knows what useful and beautiful
purposes bacteria and viruses were designed for? But when man rebelled
against God, all of nature, which God had given man dominion over, fell as
well. This is not the world God designed."

"He should have designed better."

"You know the answer to that one," Dad said, leaning forward to take a
bite.

"And what about all the preachers out there saying AIDS is a plague God has
put on the gays as judgment?" I asked. "They say He's used plagues in the
past to punish people and now we're being punished!"

Dad looked at me thoughtfully. "Perhaps He has...punished people...in the
past. But God is love, Sean, and the things He does, He does in love."

"Including killing hundreds, maybe thousands of young men. And why the
gays. Why aren't all the adulterers and haters and robbers all visited with
plagues."

"They all are, son. All sins bear consequences. My personal opinion is that
God never intended for AIDS to kill all these young men, but that their
behavior is spreading it like wild fire."

He looked at me and said very seriously, "I've been talking to many boys
with AIDS, Sean. It is an ugly terrible disease right out of hell. But I
have seen God use it time and time again for good."

"What good? Dying boys making desperate grabs at religion?"

"No," and here Dad's eyes filled with tears and he choked out the next few
words, "No, Sean. I have seen hard, angry boys, desperately sick boys, I
have seen them quit running from God," Dad was warming up; his words were
becoming more fervent even as the tears streamed down his face. "I have
seen them find peace and everlasting life. I have seen them turn to God
when they probably never would have if they were healthy. I have seen them
at the edge of death light up with hope and peace as they find God. And I
have seen them die, Sean. I have seen them die peacefully or not. But I
have seen those who make peace with God die far happier than those who
don't. Some of those, I have seen die terrified."

Those last few words, he said almost to himself. Returning his attention to
me, he said, "and what about you and Daniel, Sean? I know you planned your
lives together. Maybe it would have worked out. But even if it did, how
long would you have each other? A few years? Those years pass quickly,
Sean. Very, very quickly. Believe me."

"And so now I won't have him at all. That's better?"

"No, Sean. Now you can have him forever. Before there was no way you could
keep Daniel, not past a few years; certainly not past death. Now, now you
can be together forever."

"Somehow playing harps on clouds is not what I had in mind for us."

Dad reached across the table and grabbed my wrist. "Don't let yourself get
bitter, Sean. It's not you. It's opposite from who you are. It will destroy
you. Don't get bitter. You know that eternity with Christ is not harp
playing on clouds."

"Well it's not making love with my lover either."

"No. It's better. It's loving and being loved more than we can imagine."

"When you talk like that, Dad, you sound like some cult leader, drawing
pictures of castles in the air for stupid dupes."

Dad shook his head. "Then I think, Sean, that you are truly lost. The
scripture says that to the lost, the wisdom of God seems foolish, while to
those who are saved, the wisdom of men seems foolish."

Dad released his grip on my wrist and sat up. "One thing I know. God loves
you, relentlessly. There was never a chance you could hang on to
Daniel. Now God has saved him, and I believe He has saved him partly out of
love for you. God has many reasons for what He does. And I believe too,
that as long as Daniel is around, God doesn't stand a chance with you."

"He loves Daniel," Dad continued, "and saved him. He loves you and I
believe He will not stop trying to save you as well. I think God designed
you and Daniel to be extraordinary together in this life, but I believe you
boys missed His best. Now I think He intends extraordinary things for you
in Heaven now...if you let Him."

"Dad. You're a sweet guy. I can tell how deeply you believe all this. And I
know that you love me. But the reality is that the only person I will ever
love so much, and so hard, and so purely is about to leave me, and I have
years and years of loneliness to look forward to."

"And don't tell me," I continued, "That I have Michael or that there will
be others. There is and will always be only one Daniel Reese. Only one. And
all this whole wide earth is going to be empty to me without him." I shoved
back from the table, and muttered, "I'll be back."

I went to the bathroom and washed my face and patted my eyes dry with paper
towels. Damn, I did look dreadful.


New Years day, Daniel was weak. I carried Daniel out to the couch to watch
the games. He was light, very light.

Afterward, as I carried him back to his bed, he said, "You haven't told me
how your visit went with your Dad the other day."

"It went OK."

I laid him on his bed and propped up several pillows behind him. A bout of
coughing racked him. I brought him fresh ice water and held the straw to
his lips for him to drink. When I put it down, he said, "Sean, don't be
bitter toward your dad."

"I'm not."

"You seem bitter, Sean. You're sullen all the time now."

I tucked him in. He was tired. His lids were heavy. Before dozing off, he
said, "Don't be bitter, Sean. It's not you. It will ruin who you are. I
want you to stay just as kind and loving as you have always been, even when
I'm gone."

After the New Year, Daniel began a rapid decline. He was young. He had
spirit. His body fought. But full-blown AIDS is an evil and implacable
enemy. I hated it. I wished it had a neck I could grab. I wished it had a
body I could fight. I wished I could defend Daniel and save him.

I began sleeping in the chair by Daniel's bed, holding his hand. Roberto
spent more and more time with us.

Daniel's last words to me were not words, but a squeeze of the hand and a
smile before he dozed off. He fell asleep, but did not wake up. His body
fought on.

When the end came, it was before midnight on a rainy, cold January
23rd. Roger, Mary, Roberto and I were all keeping vigil in Daniel's room.

Each breath Daniel took seemed to be a greater and greater struggle. There
was a longer pause between each breath. Finally, he took no more breath. I
watched the pulse in his neck slow down and then stop. Daniel was gone.

Not many people came to the funeral. Michael and Lenny came together. The
twins came. I was so grateful when my whole family showed up, I cried. My
Mom held me for the first time in a long time and cried with me.

At the service, I sat with Roger and Mary. I was in a daze. The preacher
said nice things about Daniel. And when we sang Amazing Grace, I choked on
the last verse where the song says, "And when we've been there ten thousand
years, bright shining as the sun, we've no less grace to see God's face
than when we first begun." And I thought about those thousands of
years. Would Daniel truly be there?

At the graveside, people filed past Roger and Mary and I and shook our
hands and gave us hugs. Colin gave me a big hug and I almost cried. Michael
and Lenny hugged me. The twins hugged me. I was grateful. When all had
passed, we started to step out from under the graveside tent, when Roger
pulled me into a bone crushing hug. He began crying, almost wailing. Mary
came up and I put an arm over her.

We stood there in our little huddle. A couple of people came by to lay a
comforting hand on one of our backs. But mostly they stood respectfully, or
drifted away to their cars.

Several came back to the house with us.

I stayed two weeks with Roger and Mary. We sorted through Daniel's
things. They gave me all his clothes, his bicycle, his camping gear. I gave
them a large framed picture I had taken of Daniel, standing in the cold
breeze on the deck of the ship in Glacier Bay. His face was flushed red
with the cold and he was grinning broadly in the sun. There was the sparkle
in his eye that always made you wonder what he was up to.

For a month after I returned to San Antonio, I did a lot of crying; at odd
times, but mostly in bed at night with Michael. He held me. We did not make
love. Not for a long time.

We each were tested once more for HIV and again were negative. I went back
to work at the restaurant.

On Valentines Day, Michael took me out to eat and to a movie. He tried all
he could to get my mind off Daniel. That night, I stripped Michael in our
bedroom. I stripped him and I threw him onto the bed and I almost raped him
as I made love roughly, angrily. I fucked him. I came and kept fucking him
until I came again. And then spent, I slid away from Michael, and then I
began crying.

He put his hand gently on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Michael," I
said. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

He shushed me.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"Yes. I'm OK, Sean."

"I'm so sorry."

Michael moved his body up to mine and took me into his arms. He shushed me
again.

"It just hurts so much," I said. "Damn. I never knew anything could hurt
this much."

He just held me and rocked me. He kissed my forehead.

"I love you, Michael. You do know that?"

"Yes. I know you love me," Michael said and hugged me. "I'm here for you,
for whatever you need."

I kissed Michael on the mouth. "I don't deserve you, Michael. I'm sorry. I
don't know why I was so awful while ago."

"I don't either, but I'm OK. It's you I'm worried about. And I know your
parents are really worried. Your Dad is afraid you'll become bitter. Don't
do that, Sean. It's not your nature to get bitter."

"I think," I said, "if one more person tells me not to get bitter, I
will. And Dad doesn't know everything."

"He knows you, though. Pretty well."

I frowned at him. "You're talking to Dad too much, Michael. Is he hitting
you with religion?"

"He's my dad now, too," Michael reminded me, "little brother. And we'll
talk about what we want to talk about."

I was too tired to argue. I thought I would always be tired now. And
hurt. Michael and I held each other and fell asleep.


Things just did not seem to be getting better. Everything was so empty now;
like a school let out for the summer, all trashed and vacant.

It was in May, as we stood in the kitchen, that I told Michael I wanted to
take a couple of days off. "I need to go talk to my dad."

"I'm going with you," Michael stated.

"Michael, I just need to talk to dad. I...I can't just go on like this. I
just need to talk."

"And I'm going with you." He looked absolutely determined. He grabbed my
arms with his hands, "My life is all bound up with yours now, Sean. My
heart is all tangled with yours. Whatever you're about to do, I'm going to
do. If you're going to get religion, I'm going to get religion. If you're
going to be agnostic, I'm going to be agnostic. Where you go, I go. Even if
for some reason you never touch me in love again, you can not turn me or
the love I have for you away. You cannot."

My smile was twisted, "So you'll follow me anywhere. You'll follow me into
hell itself?"

Michael looked momentarily like a deer caught in headlights. I gave a dry
laugh. "I," I said, "would have left everything and followed Daniel. I'd
have followed him into hell itself."

Michael's jaw set. He straightened himself, and said, "I believe the
question now, Sean, is whether you will follow him into Heaven." Michael
started to leave the room, but turned at the door to say, "I am going with
you to see Dad."


On January 23, one year after Daniel died, Michael went with me. It was a
bright clear winter day. We drove to the top of Mount Olympus. Michael
leaned against the car while I carried a cedar branch to the edge of the
cliff. I looked down on the Frio River below. The branches of the tall
cypress trees swayed faintly in the breeze. The park was almost empty.

Daniel's words came back to me as I looked out over the bottom lands to the
hills across the way, "...if it's possible, Sean. If it is the least bit
possible, I will be with you and watch over you all your life."

I took a deep breath and yelled out, "I miss you." I threw the branch over
the cliff. And then more quietly, I said, "I miss you so much." And then I
whispered onto the breeze the word, "Beloved."


Did you know that authors can weep as they write a story? I wept as I wrote
this section and remembered. btomandback@hotmail.com