Some of these are hilarious!!!!
.
.. 
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for 

making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest 

we should hold auditions for her part.

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My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. 

It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last 

night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me 

and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. 

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started 

to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!";

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I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something 

was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face 

down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. 

I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered 

McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

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Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. 

Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 

3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

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The other night, my wife asked me how many women 

I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others 

kept me awake all night!"

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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the 

front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and 

painful death, you bastard!" 

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

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A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, 

I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about 

my sister." 

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially 

when you have two gorgeous brothers.";

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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal 

immigrants come to this country so that they can 

see their own doctor.

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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. 

It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.