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 A World of My Choosing   An Out-of-this-World Story by Gil Gamesh   Chapter
Three  

   "Anna, would you go somewhere with me tomorrow?" I asked.  "I'd like to
spend the day with you and maybe talk to you about something."

   We were having dinner together on Friday night.  A week had passed since
I was chosen for the mission and I knew my orders to go could come at any
time.  Before I left, I wanted to try to talk to her about an incident in
my life, something so painful that I'd never been able to talk to anyone
about it.

   As usual, she had on a baseball cap with her hair protruding through the
opening at the back and tumbling down behind her.  I liked to see her that
way but I wondered how she'd look if her hair was totally unrestrained. 
There wasn't a trace of makeup on her face, at least, none that I could
see. In my eyes, she didn't need makeup.  She was a beautiful woman without
it.

   "Of course, I'll go with you, David," she answered.  "But why can't we
talk now?  I'm too stuffed with shrimp to do anything else."

   We'd been surprised when we went to the mess hall for dinner.  Somehow
someone had managed to get fresh shrimp for us and the cooks had done a
low-country shrimp boil.  As far as I knew it was a first for our remote
desert base.  We'd both gorged ourselves.  There was a huge pile of shrimp
shells and red potato peels and corncobs in a plate between us.  The potato
peels were all hers; I ate mine peel and all.

   "I want to go where there's no one else around," I said.  "I know a
place I think you'll enjoy seeing.  It's about five miles from here so
we'll check out a jeep.  Then we'll have about thirty minutes of walking to
get to the place so you'll need to wear your boots.  You can wear shorts
but you probably should wear a long-sleeved shirt and your desert hat. 
That's the way I'll be dressed.  We'll be out in the sun part of the time."

   "Is it safe?" she asked.  "You know we've been warned about wandering
around in the desert without plenty of water."

   "We'll be safe," I answered.  "The spot is on the base map and I have to
tell the motor pool where I'm going with the jeep and when I'll be back. 
Besides, there's water there.  I've been there before."

   "Now that sounds interesting.  Water?  In the middle of the desert? 
Tell me about it."

   "No, I want it to be a surprise.  It's a beautiful spot.  It's magical.
I think you'll like it."

   "Are you sure you're not just trying to get me off somewhere and seduce
me?" she asked, smiling.

   "Anna, trust me," I said.  "You're safe tomorrow.  After tomorrow, I
make you no promises."

   "Well, I make you no promises about tomorrow," she said.  "I have a mind
of my own, you know."

   "I know," I said.  I really did know.  She could be an assertive woman
when she wanted to.  I'd learned that the hard way a time or two.

   "What time do you want to go?"

   "Immediately after breakfast.  I'll take a backpack with water and
something for lunch.  We'll be back for dinner tomorrow night."

   "Are we going on one of your mysterious trips?" she asked.

   "What do you mean?"

   "Scuttlebutt has it that you go off by yourself on mysterious trips. 
Some guys tried to follow you once and they said you disappeared."

   "Do you believe in magic, Anna?"

   She smiled at me.  "No, not really."

   I shrugged and kept a straight face.  "Well, I do.  I knew they were
following me.  I decided to disappear.  So I just cast a spell and became
invisible.  I saw them drive right past me."

   "David, be serious."

   "I am."

   "David, you must trust me.  I've already agreed to go with you tomorrow.
That proves I trust you."

   "Will you swear not to tell anybody what I tell you?" I asked.

   "I swear."

   "I turned off my jeep once and heard another one back the way I'd come.
I knew I was being followed.  I saw an outcropping of reasonably-flat rock
that looked like I could drive on it.  I almost turned.  Then I decided I'd
play a trick on them."

   "What did you do?"

   "I stayed in the sand for maybe a hundred yards farther and drove around
a boulder.  Then I stopped, backed up very carefully to the rock
outcropping and drove on it until I knew they wouldn't see the jeep.  Then
I went back and swept away the tracks where I turned onto the rock
outcropping.  I was behind a mesquite bush when they went past."

   She shook her head and grinned.

   "I believe in magic, Anna," I whispered.  "I've believed in it since the
first time I saw you."

   What else could explain the way I was drawn to her?  I had lain awake at
night more than once trying to understand what attraction she held for me.
She was a woman but I was attracted to many young women, even though I had
not often yielded to that attraction.  She was beautiful in my eyes but
many men would have thought she was too big and too tall.  She was a
perfect size for me.  I suppose magic was as good an explanation as any.

   She looked at me with a serious look on her face.  Finally she grinned
and said, "Wow."

   "There's more magic where I'm taking you, Anna," I said.  "Trust me."

   <><><>

   When we met for breakfast, she had on a wide-brimmed desert hat with all
her hair pulled up and completely hidden underneath it.  It made her long
neck stand out.  She also had on a long-sleeved shirt with a white
undershirt showing in the unbuttoned front and her usual khaki shorts.  She
had on desert boots with white socks.  There were two stunning long legs
between shorts and boots.  She was beautiful as always.

   Breakfast was our usual Saturday morning steak and eggs fare.  I had
steak with three fried eggs, hash-browns, Texas toast, and two big glasses
of milk.  I wasn't surprised when she had the same thing but with two eggs
and one glass of milk.  My training burned the calories out of me and I
assumed hers did the same.  Just like me, she had little body fat.  I
suppose she had more than me and it was all in the right places.

   Before we left the mess hall, I went back to the serving area and
grabbed a couple of navel oranges.  I turned, saw her waiting, pitched the
oranges to her, and took two more.  I knew how good they were and I didn't
have any fruit in my backpack.

   There was no road leading to the place.  I drove through the boulders
and brush, keeping one mountain peak in sight.  After a while, we entered a
dry riverbed and I knew I was close.  I drove up the riverbed for a short
distance before I saw the rock formation I was looking for.  I left the
riverbed and headed for what appeared to be a long outcropping of solid
rock.  When I saw the opening in it, I knew I'd found the place again.  I
hid the jeep behind some bushes and we both got out.

   "Do you mind if I take off my shirt," I asked.  "We won't be in the sun
as much in a few minutes."

   "Of course not," she answered.  "I'm going to take mine off too."

   I took off my long sleeve shirt and stuffed it in the straps of the
backpack.  When I looked up, she was standing there in just a white
t-shirt, holding her long-sleeved shirt out to me.  It was evident she
wasn't wearing a brassiere under her t-shirt.  She didn't need one.  Her
breasts were full and rounded and firm with dark areolas and pointed
nipples showing through her shirt.  I stood there, looking at them for a
moment and then looked up at her face.  She was grinning at me.  She knew
where I'd been looking.  She handed me her long-sleeved shirt and I stuffed
it under the backpack straps with mine.

   "What's the blanket for?" she asked.

   I had rolled up an old army blanket, a hard wool one, and attached it to
the bottom of the backpack.  I hadn't thought that she might wonder what it
was for.  I knew I'd intended it to be a place to sit while we talked.

   "It's just a blanket, Anna," I said.  "When we get there, it's for us to
sit on.  That's all."

   I decided to tease her a little.  I took off my undershirt and stood
there bare-chested while she looked at me and smiled mischievously.

   "Uh, uh, I'm not taking mine off," she finally said.

   We stood there, looking at each other for a moment.  To me, she was
unbelievably beautiful, all woman, a big woman but all perfect, all
desirable, almost too much woman.  I could understand why some guys found
her intimidating.  She certainly didn't intimidate me.  I felt my penis
begin to engorge and I didn't try to hide it.

   "I like to go commando once in a while too," she said.

   For a moment I wasn't sure what she meant.  I knew the guys referred to
going without undershorts as going commando.  I didn't have on anything
under my shorts.  I preferred to let everything hang loose in the desert
heat.  Did she mean she wasn't wearing any panties?  Or simply that she
wasn't wearing a bra?  I finally thought of what she might be seeing in my
shorts and looked down.  The length of my penis was outlined down one leg
of my shorts and the rim around the head was clearly defined.

   "I'm sorry," I said.  "It has a mind of its own."

   "Don't say you're sorry, David," she said.  "I think it's a nice
compliment.  I'm glad to know you find me desirable."

   "Oh, you are," I said, and then changed the subject.  "We're going
through an opening in the rock.  Animals of all kinds go through it at
night to get water.  You can see their tracks everywhere near the entrance.
We're not likely to encounter any of them during the daytime."

   "Are any of them dangerous to us?" she asked.

   "Probably not," I said.  Any animal can be dangerous if it's threatened
or cornered.  I don't think we'll even see any in the daytime.  Just let me
go first and you stay about five or ten feet behind me.  OK?"

   I took my knives out of the backpack and unbelted my shorts enough to
thread my belt through the scabbard so that the knives were at my right
hip. I looked up to see her watching me.

   "They're called Big Boy and Little Boy," I said.  "My grandfather gave
them to me when I left home for the Academy."

   "Have you killed anybody with them?" she asked.

   I decided to be truthful.  "Yes, Anna, I have.  Just once.  Now could we
not talk about them?  I don't think I'll really need them today but I
always carry them when I'm out in the dessert."

   She kept looking at the knives and then at my face.  I smiled at her,
put on the backpack, put on my desert hat again, and started looking for
animal tracks to show to her.  I didn't want her thinking about what I had
done with Big Boy.  I didn't want to think about it either.

   When we were through looking at animal tracks, we walked single file
through the narrow crack in the rocks.  On each side, the walls were
perhaps fifty feet high.  The floor alternated between stretches of sand
and stretches of boulders.  The cloudless blue sky was always visible above
our heads.  We walked in silence from alternating patches of dim light to,
as the crevice turned, stretches of bright sunlight.  Within the crevice we
were walking slightly uphill and the height of the wall on each side
gradually diminished.

   I was leaving a patch of dim shadow and entering bright sunlight when I
heard it, behind me and to my left side.  The suddenness of the rattle
startled me but I knew instantly what it was.  I also went instantly cool.

   Below the waist I froze.  Above the waist, I turned to find the snake.
Anna had heard it too.  She had frozen and was standing a few feet away
from the snake.  It was turned toward her, tail upraised, body coiled, and
head uplifted, ready to strike.

   I cursed myself for my carelessness.  I should have known that my eyes
would take a moment to adjust from shadow to bright sunlight.  The snake
had probably been unmoving when I walked past it and it had shifted into
strike position just in time to threaten Anna.  I had promised her that she
would be safe with me.  I had meant that she would be safe from me.  I had
not thought that she might be threatened by something I carelessly
overlooked.

   "Anna, be still." I said.  "Don't move."

   A memory from my childhood came back to me.  We had been playing in the
creek, a pack of boys, naked as the day we were born, in water that came
part way up our thighs.  A black runner, a long slim non-poisonous snake
came swimming down the creek.  I had caught it by the tail, swung it around
and around my head, and then popped it like a whip.

   I grabbed the rattler by the tail, swung it around and around in a
circle, gradually increased the speed, and then popped it like a whip, the
same way I had done the black runner.  It worked again.  I saw the snake's
head go flying.  I slowed down my circular swing, grabbed the snake's body
with my left hand near the tail, and slid my hand up close to where its
head had been.  I held the big rattler between my outstretched arms and
looked at it.  The result had been the same as with the black runner.  The
top of its head had been snapped off and the bottom jaw remained.  I knew
that with the fangs gone it was harmless.  In cool time, it seemed a minute
might had passed; in real time, I knew it had been only seconds.

   I looked up at Anna, standing with her mouth open and complete horror in
her face.  I smiled at her.

   "There, it's harmless now," I said, nonchalantly.  "I'm sorry I missed
it."

   She couldn't speak.  She stood there shaking, still petrified by fear.

   "It's OK, Anna," I said.  "I've done it before.  I knew what would
happen when I swung it around my head.  The centrifugal force kept it from
coiling up again.  When I snapped it like a whip, I knew the head would be
popped off."

   She still couldn't say anything for a minute or two longer.  I threw the
rattler back down the way we'd come and it began writhing mindlessly.  I
knew it could take a long time for the body to learn that it didn't have a
brain anymore.

   "Are you cool, David?" she finally asked, breathlessly.

   I smiled at her, and nodded.  I shut my eyes, willed my breathing and my
heart to slow, and felt the cool gradually fade.  In a minute or so, I felt
normal again and opened my eyes.  She was watching me.

   "I told you I wouldn't hurt you, Anna, and I meant it.  I'm not going to
let anything else hurt you either."

   "I've never seen anything like that!" she exclaimed.  "I thought you
were nuts, grabbing it by the tail and swinging it around your head like a
crazy cowboy.  Everything happened so quickly it was like a blur."

   I encircled her with my arms, one hand behind her back, the other behind
her head, and pulled her close to me so that her head was tucked under my
chin.  I held her, neither of us saying a word, until her breathing slowed.
I felt the warmth of her breasts pressing against my chest but my penis
didn't respond.  All I felt was love and caring for her and no desire or
arousal.

   "It's just a little further," I whispered.  "It's beautiful.  It's
magic. Trust me."

   She pushed back from me a little and looked up in my eyes.  I let my
hands fall down to her hips and then pulled her tightly against me.  She
grinned at me and I grinned back.  I suppose she knew I was trying to make
her forget the snake and think of something more pleasant.

   "David, I think I feel something pressed against my stomach," she said.
"Do you think it's another big fat rattlesnake?"

   "Whatever it is, you're safe, Anna," I said earnestly.  "I didn't bring
you here to have sex with you.  I meant it when I said I wanted to talk to
you.  I want to share something with you that I've never talked about with
anyone else."

   "But maybe you're not safe from me," she said.  "Did you even think of
that?"

   I held her hand and we started walking again.  We encountered another
stretch of boulders and then suddenly there was a small stream that
disappeared down a whirlpool among the rocks.  We stood and looked at it
for a minute and then we started walking again.  The stream hugged the rock
wall on alternating sides of the crevice.  We walked on sand on the other
side.  The walls on each side of us were not as high now, perhaps twenty
feet.

   We went around another turn in the crevice and there it was: a small
valley completely encircled by rock walls except for the way we'd come. 
The stream was coming out of the rock wall at the far end of the valley. 
It trickled out of the rock in numerous crevices and, at one place, leapt
out in a small waterfall into a pool.  On that part of the wall there were
masses of green ferns.  All over the valley there were trees: pines, box
elders, canyon oaks and one lone beech tree.  There were all kinds of
plants and shrubs, one of which was in flower with red spikes.  In the
dryness of the desert, it really was a magical place.

   Most of the trees lined the small stream.  The lowest limbs on the
deciduous trees were more than head high so there was plenty of shade
underneath the trees.  I suppose the deer had eaten everything within their
reach.

   Further back away from the steam, there was a random assortment of
desert plants, ranging from tall saguaros to little barrel cacti.  I had
already learned to be very careful in that area.

   Where the stream cascaded down, there was a pool, about three feet deep
at its deepest.  The bottom was mostly sand, with an occasional small rock.
It was a great place to play and cool off.  Every time I'd been here in the
past, I'd soaked in it for a while.

   "I'll bet you've been skinny-dipping here; haven't you?" she asked.

   "No, of course not," I lied.  "Why would I want to do that?"

   "Well, I'd like to but right now I need to pee," she said.  "Where can I
go?"

   "Anywhere," I said.  "I need to go too.  Let me walk off a little ways
and I'll turn my back.  I'm sorry but I can't offer you much privacy."

   I walked through the trees and, without turning around, pulled my penis
out of my shorts and enjoyed a good piss.  I stood there with my back to
where I'd left her until she rejoined me.

   We explored the valley from one end to the other.  I tried to answer all
her questions but my knowledge of trees and plants wasn't that good. 
Finally we ended up in the shade under the widespread beech tree.  I knew
it was very unusual in the desert environment.  I couldn't imagine how it
had gotten started in the valley.

   There were empty shells from all the little beechnuts covering the
ground underneath the tree.  I used the side of my boot to sweep the shells
to one side, creating a path to the shadiest area.  Next I swept clean an
area big enough for the blanket.  She stood there smiling, waiting.

   I took off the backpack, untied the blanket, and spread it on the
ground. I sat down on the blanket and waited until she got settled too.  I
took off my boots and socks and watched her as she did the same.  Her
toenails were painted bright red.

   "You couldn't resist, could you?" I said.

   "David, you don't know what it's like to have to do without almost
everything that's feminine," she said.  "I hate it."

   "Would you like an orange?" I asked.  "I'd like a mid-morning snack. 
Would you?"

   "Yes, please.  I'd love one," she answered.

   I used Little Boy to cut the peeling off an orange.  Anna watched
intently as Little Boy effortlessly removed one long strip of peeling.

   "Little Boy's never killed anyone, at least not while I've had it," I
said when I was through peeling the orange.  I broke the orange in two
parts and handed half to her.  We sat there breaking off sections of orange
and sticking them in our mouth.  I grinned when she almost choked on too
much juice from a section.  She stuck out her tongue at me.

   I offered another orange and Little Boy to her.  I'd never trusted
anyone else to handle my knives.  I wanted to trust her.

   "Be careful," I said.  "It's sharper than a razor."

   She hesitated but she took the orange and my knife.  She didn't manage
to remove all the peel in one strip like I'd done but she did a passable
job of peeling the orange.  She gave the knife back to me and then broke
the orange and offered me half.

   When we finished with our snack, I stood up, held out my hands to her,
pulled her upright, and led her to the stream.  We waded out in the pool
until the water was up to mid-calf and then washed the sticky orange juice
off our hands.

   "Do you think it's magical, Anna?" I asked, looking around.

   "Yes, David, I agree.  It's magical," she said.

   "Would you lie down on the blanket with me so we can be comfortable? 
I'd like to talk to you about..." - I took a couple of deep breaths and
resolved to talk to her.  - "about some stuff I've never been able to...."

   I suppose she saw how I was struggling.  "Yes, David.  I'll get on the
blanket with you but only to listen to you talk.  That's all."

   When we were back on the blanket, I put my boots under the blanket,
soles apart in different directions.  She looked at me and I could see she
was puzzled.

   "It's for a pillow," I said.  "Sorry but it's the best I can offer."

   "Do mine," she said.

   We lay there with our heads on our boot pillows, flat on our backs,
hands on our stomachs, knees raised, and I started talking.  I began by
telling her about my childhood.

   "My first memories are always about Mother and Father and Father's
parents," I began.  "I called them Grandfather and Grandmother and Father
and Mother.  I don't think I ever knew why I was so formal about it.  It's
just the way we were.  We weren't really so formal in living together.  We
were warm and comfortable with each other.  I knew they all loved me and I
loved them.  I always felt secure.  I was happy and full of mischief and
pranks but I don't ever remember being punished for anything."

   "My father was an army officer, a tall handsome man, especially when he
came home in his uniform.  He towered over me then but now I'm a little
taller than he was.  He was gone a lot of the time and he never talked to
me about what he did when he was gone.  Even when he put on jeans and a
sweatshirt to work around the house, you could still see he was a man to be
respected.  I certainly respected him.  But I loved him with all my heart.
He and I had a very close loving relationship.  We were very comfortable
with each other.  Did I say I loved him?  I really did, you know."

   "My mother was one of the most beautiful women I ever saw.  She was
good-looking even when she was sweaty and dirty from working in the flowers
she loved.  She had been trained as a nurse, like you, and she was often
called on to help someone in the community who'd been injured in something
like a farming accident until they could be transported to the nearest
hospital about thirty miles away.  She never charged anybody so everybody
around loved her.  I never learned about her troubles until after..."

   I wasn't ready to tell her after what yet.  I had to work up the courage
to tell her that.  I pretended to yawn and then continued without telling
after what.

   "Am I boring you?" I asked.  "Just tell me if I am and I'll shut up."

   "No, David," she answered.  "It's fascinating.  You were saying you
learned about your mother's troubles after something.  What?"

   "Oh, nothing," I tried to downplay the subject.  "She had some trouble
with alcohol and drugs for a while."

   "I'm sorry," she said.  "You don't have to talk about that unless you
want to."

   "I don't," I said and then continued by telling her about my
grandparents.  "Grandfather was an older and greyer version of Father, just
as tall and just as slim.  He always wore cardigan sweaters in cold weather
and always smelled of pipe tobacco and cologne.  Grandmother always fussed
at him for smoking a pipe and he'd tell her, `Hush, Woman,' when she did.
She always smelled of whatever she was cooking that day.  She loved to
cook. I never saw her measure anything but everything was always delicious.
She was big breasted and always complaining about her weight.  One of my
earliest memories is of her sitting on the front porch of our house in a
rocking chair, with me in her lap and my head against her breasts.  Are you
listening, Anna?"

   "Yes, David," she answered.  "I'm listening.  It seems like a wonderful
way for a young boy to grow up."

   "It was.  We lived in a small town and I do mean small.  I think we knew
everybody and they knew us.  Our house was one of the nicest ones, set on a
rise close to the intersection of two highways.  It was a big two-storied
house, brick and stone, lots of dark wood inside, with a front porch.  We
had four big maples in a row on the front lawn and flowerbeds all around."

   "That's really not the house my parents and I lived in.  My grandparents
lived there.  Mother and Father and I lived in the carriage house in back.
I never saw a carriage in it but that was what we called it.  Grandfather
parked his car in there.  We lived in the rooms upstairs in the carriage
house.  Two bedrooms, one bath, a large living room with a small
kitchenette."

   "I always felt at home in either house.  We ate with my grandparents
most of the time and I even had a bed in their house where I slept when I
wanted to.  My parents always slept in the carriage house."

   "There were hills behind our house and a creek across the road in front
of it.  All the boys in the village ran wild in the woods and skinny-dipped
in the creek.  We had a swimming hole that was fairly deep and we had a
rope swing hanging from a big sycamore.  We practically lived there during
the summer time.  I suppose that's one of my favorite memories, the summer
days playing in the creek.  Occasionally Grandfather walked down to the
swimming hole and watched us playing.  He called us his naked savages."

   "We weren't angels or anything like that.  We were just normal boys,
always looking for something to do and most of it was pretty innocent. 
Occasionally we did things we shouldn't have done, never bad stuff, just
mischief.  I can't remember ever being punished for anything I did.  I got
grounded on occasion but that was no real punishment since I just lost
myself in books.  I don't remember what girls did but I guess I wasn't
interested in them at that time."

   "I was home schooled until I was accepted into the Academy at seventeen.
My grandparents and my mother loosely followed the state-mandated program
for home-schooled kids but they didn't really have to teach me.  At an
early age, they discovered that I had a voracious appetite for books and an
insatiable desire for knowledge.  They let me discipline myself and I
usually mastered the mandated material for a year in just a few months. 
After that, I was free to explore any topic that interested me and I guess
I was interested in everything.  They guided me but they never made me
pursue any topics."

   "They taught me four languages, most of the time without really teaching
me, just using the different languages.  My grandfather was Iranian and my
grandmother was French.  They were fluent in Farsi, Arabic, French, and
English and they taught my father all four languages.  My mother was French
and she spoke French and English.  They soon discovered that I had a
natural ability with languages like they had and they all were diligent in
guiding me to master all four languages."

   "That's what got me into the Academy, you know.  All their rules and
regulations spelled out the academic credentials which applicants had to
have.  I was the first home-schooled applicant and they had quite an
argument in deciding whether I could be admitted without the mandated
school program.  My language skills finally convinced them.  They
interviewed me and questioned me in all four languages.  I was able to
shift easily from one to another and answer most of the questions they
asked me.  After that they permitted me to take the entrance exam and I
scored above the eightieth percentile in all the different subjects."

   I knew that I was avoiding the one thing I needed to talk about, the one
thing I'd never been able to speak about.  I decided to make an effort to
tell her.  I had to tell her.  She had to know me for what I was.  I knew
it might ruin my chances with her but I had to be honest.  I rose up on my
elbow so I could look at her, took a couple of really deep breaths, and
blurted it out.

   "Anna, the last time I saw my father's face was when a jihadist held up
his severed head for the TV camera."

   I felt like I'd been tasered.  The image came rushing back to me and I
tried unsuccessfully to fight against it.  My heart ran wild, my lungs
couldn't get enough air into them, and muscles all over my body were
twitching one instant and frozen the next.  I couldn't say anything else
and the fear of being mute again made everything even worse.

   I wasn't aware of Anna or even where I was.  I saw the image of my
father's face in front of my eyes and the horror held me in its grip.  I
fought to banish it but it insisted on coming back.  Anna slowly slid her
hand over my face, perhaps trying to make me close my eyes.  They were
still open and I couldn't close them.  I stared into nothing, trying not to
see the image.  I tried to swallow and almost drowned on my own saliva.  I
tried to control my breathing.  That sometimes worked.  I counted breaths,
in and out, and I slowly took control of my breathing.  I willed my heart
to slow down and gradually it did.  Finally I took a couple of deep
breaths, looked at Anna, and tried to smile.  I couldn't.  She was on her
knees in front of me.

   "What happened afterwards?" she asked, and I knew she was trying to move
me beyond the worst part.

   I took some deep breaths and discovered I could talk again. 
"Grandfather found us, me and Mother, in the living room of the carriage
house.  He came looking for us because I didn't bring Mother back to the
big house for dinner.  She was in shock and I suppose I was too.  She was
crying uncontrollably but I couldn't cry.  Anna, I couldn't speak because I
couldn't cry.  I didn't speak for months afterwards.  I wanted to cry but I
couldn't and so I couldn't speak."

   "What saved you, David?" she asked.  "How did you survive something like
that?"

   "Grandfather and Grandmother took control of everything.  Somehow, they
got Mother and me through the days afterwards when his body was found and
sent back and it was buried.  I was never told but I knew his head wasn't
with his body.  Then Grandfather and Grandmother became the pillars of
strength that supported the four of us.  Mother seemed to recover at first
but she must have been covering up what she really felt.  It was the start
of her descent into drugs and alcohol and madness but we didn't know it
until they had claimed her."

   "How old were you when it happened?"

   "I was twelve, just starting into puberty."

   "How long was it before you spoke again, David?" she asked.

   "Almost six months," I answered.  "One morning I decided I had to speak
to Grandfather.  I went in the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper
and asked him if we could go for a walk.  From then on I could talk about
anything except my father."

   "Did you ever cry?" she asked.

   "No, I never have," I answered, looking at her.  She had tears rolling
down her cheeks.

   On her knees, she moved closer to me, wrapped her arms around me, and
pulled my head against her breasts.  I put one arm around behind her and
tried to bury myself in the softness of her.

   "Then I'll cry for you, David," she whispered, and she did.  After a
minute or so I felt tears running down my own cheeks, the first tears I'd
shed since before Father's death.  Somehow Anna's sobbing touched me and I
knew I could cry too.  I relaxed and let the tears flow and the moaning and
the sobbing overpower me.

   She held me with my head pressed against her breasts while the catharsis
of crying for my father and mother ran its course.  Finally I straightened
up, looked at her, and tried to smile.  I couldn't even smile.

   "I feel like a damn fool," I said.  "Here I am, a grown man, crying like
a little boy."

   "You are a little boy, David, a twelve-year-old boy," she said.  "You
needed to cry for your father.  You've been holding it in for a dozen years
and now you've been able to let it out.  Don't you understand?  It was good
for you to cry!"

   "I didn't just cry for my father, Anna," I said.  "I cried for him but I
cried for my mother too.  She disappeared when I was fourteen and we've
never been able to find her.  I suppose I cried for myself too."

   "What do you mean?"

   "The last time I saw my father alive, when he was leaving, he told me to
take care of my mother.  He said I was a man and he wanted me to be sure no
harm came to her.  I said I would and then I said I'd take care of him too.
I failed him on both counts, Anna."

   "David, you were a twelve-year-old boy," she said.  "You were an
innocent child.  You had no idea of the evil that exists in this world.  He
chose to fight against that evil.  You didn't fail him or your mother."

   "Do you understand why I want this mission so much?" I asked.

   "Not really," she answered.  "Why?"

   "Because Mullah Muqtada al-Badr is the one who beheaded him!  He's now
the Grand Ayatollah.  Our intelligence told Grandfather and he told me when
I was sixteen.  That's when I swore revenge.  I stood there in front of my
grandfather and swore I'd kill the Mullah some day.  I've been dedicated to
it since I learned who killed him, eight years now.  I mean totally
dedicated to it.  I'm going to blow the bastard into hell!  He's going to
pay for killing my father and mother!"

   "David, it doesn't have to be you who kills him.  Can't you let someone
else do it?  I'm sure he's at the top of our list.  Maybe they can do it
with a Predator drone strike."

   "Do you know what Pashtunwali means?"

   "I know that nearly all the Taliban are Pashtuns.  That's about all."

   "The Pashtuns follow an age-old code of conduct called Pashtunwali.  One
of the required duties under its rules is eye-for-an-eye revenge.  I can
understand how they feel, Anna.  I feel the same way."

   "David, I can't stop you from going on your mission but maybe I can give
you a reason to come back.  If you return to me, I'll marry you.  I'll give
you children.  I'll grow old with you.  And I'll love you with all my
heart. Do you intend to come back or is this a suicide mission?"

   "Oh, I intend to come back, all right," I said, earnestly.  "I want to
come back to you.  You've given me a new reason to come back.  But I also
want to tell the world about my father.  I suppose I want to tell everybody
about my mother too because my father's death destroyed her.  She didn't
start with drugs and alcohol until about a year after his death.  I don't
blame her.  I wish I had known how to save her."

   "I don't understand why nobody else knows who killed him.  Why has it
been kept a secret?"

   "Before I left for the Academy, Grandfather told me it was time for me
to see something and took me into his study.  He unlocked his safe, took
out a small box and a sheet of paper.  The paper was a letter from the
President awarding my father the Congressional Medal of Honor.  Do you know
what the Medal of Honor is?"

   "I think so.  Tell me."

   "It's the highest award for valor in action against an enemy force which
can be bestowed upon an individual serving in the Armed Services of the
United States.  I'd never known about it.  Grandfather told me it had been
given to him by the President in a private ceremony about a year after
Father's death.  He'd been asked to keep it a secret and he had agreed,
except that he was going to tell me when I came of age.  The President
asked about me and then agreed and they shook hands on it.  When
Grandfather asked me to keep it a secret, I agreed, and we shook hands on
it."

   "Why would they want to keep it a secret?" she asked.

   "My father was one of the first to accept an assignment to kill one of
their top religious leaders.  He didn't succeed.  Our government still
pretends that they don't assassinate the religious leaders of the jihadist
movement.  It's not public knowledge but we have a specific program to do
just that.  I'm one of the ones trained to carry it out.  I've been chosen
to kill Mullah Muqtada al-Badr and I'll do it!  I'll kill the
mullah-fucker!"

   She looked at me questioningly.  "Why are you telling me now, David?"

   "If I don't come back, you're free to tell the world about it.  Whether
I succeed in my mission or fail, tell everyone.  Tell the whole world.  I
want the world to know about my father.  Will you do that?"

   "Yes, David," she whispered.  "I'll do it.  Now, will you tell me about
something else?"

   "What?"

   "I want you to tell me about something from your childhood," she said.
"Some of the good memories from that time.  Something involving your father
or grandfather.  Can you do that?"

   Memories came rushing back at me.  The memory of one incident alone was
enough to make me smile.  Her attempt to redirect my attention made me
smile even more.

   "Sure," I said.  "Once when my father came home, I begged him to go to
the creek with me.  It was the first summer when I was totally free to
spend my time there and I wanted to show him our swimming hole. 
Grandfather, Father, and I walked down the hill to the creek and Father
asked me if I wanted to play in the creek.  He said he wanted to.  We both
stripped to our birthday suits but Grandfather begged off.  Father and I
played in the creek together and he taught me to get on his shoulders and
stand up while he held my hands.  Then I would dive off into the creek.  I
was probably nine or ten and I felt so loved when we were doing it.  When
we got out of the creek, Father and I stood there letting the warm air dry
us.  I remember looking at him and then Grandfather and it was like I was
looking into the past and the future at the same time.  I was looking into
the past at where I'd come from but at the same time I was looking at
myself in Father as a grown man and in Grandfather as an old man.  I felt
so safe and secure and happy.  We walked back to the house with both of
them holding my hands.  I can't ever forget that."

   "Now tell me something about your grandfather, something that happened
after your father's death.  Can you do that?"

   I understood what she was trying to do.  She was trying to make me keep
on talking but about good things.

   "I remember something when I was fourteen.  I was well into puberty and
Grandfather was trying his best to help me to understand what was happening
to my body.  We'd take long walks together and talk and I'd ask him
questions.  I could tell he was uncomfortable answering sometimes but I
suppose he knew he had to fill in for my father."

   "Anyway, one October afternoon, I remember walking with Grandfather
through all the fallen leaves.  Sometimes he held my hand, like European
men and Middle Eastern men do.  Sometimes I'd carry his cane and he'd walk
with his hand on my shoulder.  He'd been struggling to tell me about what
happened when a man and woman made love.  Then out of the blue, he asked me
to name my first son after Father.  I can't ever forget that.  I want to
name our first son after him, Anna.  I want to name our son Michael."

   "What if our first child is a girl?"

   "You name the girls.  I name the boys.  How's that?"

   "Are you sure you want to bring children into this world?" she asked.

   "I don't know.  I'd rather bring them into a world of my choosing.  I'd
love to have lots of kids with you.  Maybe we can teach them all to love
life and each other so much they don't want to fight stupid wars."

   "David, do you think we could go skinny-dipping in the pool, like little
children?  We could pretend that you're twelve and I'm eleven.  We're both
just about to start into puberty.  I'd like to go skinny-dipping with you."

   She looked at me, all serious and unsmiling and her dark eyes held me to
her gaze.  Her nose, with just a little upturn at the end, was perfect for
her.  Her full lips were a perfect bow on top with another on bottom.  Her
mouth was so enticingly kissable.  I wanted so much to feel her lips
against mine again.

   Her arms were long and slim, seemingly hairless from her shoulders down
to her smooth fingers.  Her legs also seemed to be hairless until I looked
closer and saw that her calves had a light covering of hair on them.  I
remembered she had complained about not being able to shave her legs.  She
didn't really need to.

   She took off her desert hat and shook her head and her dark hair fell
down all around her shoulders.  It was long, a little wavy, and reached
down to her breasts in front, almost hiding them.  I thought I'd never seen
anything more beautiful than her hair.  Then she took off her shirt and I
saw her breasts.

   She didn't need a brassiere.  Her breasts were not large at all, almost
small on a woman her size.  They were firm with almost no droop, and her
nipples pointed slightly upward.  What held my eyes were the areolas of her
breasts.  They were a little darker than her skin with nipples even darker.
The areolas were little mounds on top of her breasts and the nipples stuck
out another half inch or so.

   Then she stood up, released her shorts, and pulled them and her panties
down at the same time.  I was awe struck at the sight of her.  Again, I
knew I'd never seen anything more beautiful.  Between her legs, there was a
patch of dark curly pubic hair, just a neat patch centered on her mound,
almost as though she had trimmed it but I knew she had said she couldn't
shave anywhere.

   She was the second woman I'd ever seen completely naked.  Gabi and Danni
had been girls, not women, and their sexuality was just coming into
blossom. Anna was in the full bloom of her feminine sexuality and she was
so beautiful that my heart ached for her, not just for sex once and then
never again but to join myself with her forever.  I wanted to possess her,
to love her, to make her mine for the rest of my life.  She was woman.  Not
a woman.  Not any woman.  Woman!  A goddess.  An earth mother.  I was
speechless.

   "Well, are you going to take your shorts off?" she asked, grinning at me
and my inability to do anything but stare at her.

   I stood up, unbelted my shorts, let the weight of my knives drag them
down to my feet, and stepped out of them.  She looked me over once and then
I saw her gaze center on my genitals.

   "Damn!  You lied to me, David," she said.

   What was she talking about?  I couldn't think of any way I had lied to
her.  I had deliberately withheld the truth about what happened to me when
I was cool.  But how had I lied to her?

   I suppose she saw the puzzlement on my face.  She grinned and shook her
head.

   "Smaller than average, David," she said.  "You said your penis was
smaller than average."

   I looked down at my penis.  It was distended as it always is when I'm
warm but it was soft.  I tried to think of when I'd said it was smaller
than average.  Then I remembered and I smiled back at her.

   "It's just a penis, Anna," I said.  "I'm a big guy.  It just goes with
the rest of me."

   "Well, it's definitely not smaller.  I think it's quite a bit bigger
than average.  I've seen quite a few and yours is definitely bigger than
any I've seen.  I like it."

   "I'm glad," I said.  "Maybe someday you'll let me share it with you."

   "Oh, I will, David.  I certainly will.  I see you're not circumcised. 
I've only seen a few like that, left natural, I mean."

   I looked down at my penis again.  No, I wasn't circumcised.  My parents
had been living in France when I was born and most Europeans don't
circumcise their boys.  I knew my father had not been circumcised and I
assumed my grandfather wasn't either.  Just like my father, my foreskin
completely covered the head of my penis and then extended a little bit
further.

   "My parents were living in France when I was born." I assumed she would
know that Europeans generally don't circumcise their boy babies.

   "Well, I'm glad," she said.  "I've seen lots of circumcised penises and
they usually looked mutilated."

   I suppose she saw the expression of surprise on my face.

   "I'm a nurse, an Army nurse, David.  Remember?  I was working as an
operating room nurse in a hospital for wounded troops when they found out
about my language abilities and recruited me.  I've seen everything outside
and most of what's inside on lots of guys.  I guess that's what made me
volunteer for this.  You lied to me about something else; didn't you?"

   I couldn't think of anything else about which I'd lied to her.  "What?"

   "The wound on your leg, David.  You said a bullet just grazed your leg.
I can see where the bullet went in and came out.  I've seen lots of wounds
like that."

   I decided to see how she would handle the truth.  "You're right, Anna.
It went through my leg.  But I was cool and I willed it not to bleed. 
Maybe I succeeded.  It didn't bleed much."

   She just shook her head and grinned at me.

   "Well, quit lying to me.  I'm a big girl.  I can handle the truth. 
After what you did with the snake, nothing's too farfetched."

   "OK."

   "Have you been with lots of girls, David?  The truth now," she said,
still grinning at me.

   "No, Anna, except for playing with two first cousins when I was sixteen,
I've only been with four women.  I'm afraid I wasn't very good with most of
them."

   "What do you mean?"

   "They didn't seem to enjoy it very much.  I had an orgasm, of course. 
But I don't know whether they did."

   "What do you mean, you played with two first cousins?  I assume you mean
girls."

   "Yes.  Gabi and Danni were girls, fifteen and twelve.  The summer after
I was sixteen, I visited my maternal grandparents in France.  They had
another daughter and a son both living on the Mediterranean Coast.  The
girls belonged to the son and his wife."

   "You didn't answer my question.  What did you do with them?"

   I couldn't help but grin at the memory.  "I spent a week with them and
they masturbated me so much my dick was raw for another week, four times in
one afternoon.  That's as far as we went.  I suppose we were too young to
do much else but I really wanted to.  I talked the older one into taking my
penis into her mouth but the younger one said it was too big and she
wouldn't.  I still remember how Danni looked at my penis, said, `Il est
étonnant,' and started giggling, then Gabi - she was the older one -
shrugged, said `Il ne casse rien,' and started giggling too."

   Anna broke out in a big grin at my description.  "So Gabi thought it was
nothing much.  Maybe she'd seen lots of big ones."

   "I don't think so.  They were both virgins.  I was too scared to try to
change that."

   She laughed.  "I would have thought you'd have left a trail of
heartbroken women behind you," she said.  "Anyway, Dani should have said
`c'est vraiment magnifique!'"

   "She did, and that's just what every sixteen-year old boy should be told
by a girl.  Now quit kidding me.  I've been fixated on one thing for most
of my life and you know what that is - getting revenge for the deaths of my
mother and father.  I've been pursuing that, not women.  Have you been with
lots of men?"

   "Sure.  Nurses are always with lots of men.  You wouldn't believe how
many I've jacked off."

   "Oh, come on, Anna.  That's a guy's fantasy; isn't it?"

   "No, David.  Our patients were almost all young men.  When I wasn't in
surgery, I liked to go with one of the room nurses when they made their
rounds.  We would tend to their wounds and sometimes we'd bathe them.  If
one was well enough to get an erection, we'd lock the door and them we'd
masturbate him.  We wanted them to realize that part of their body still
worked OK.  We always complimented them on something about their genitals,
so they would know they were still men in spite of something like the loss
of part of a leg.  I'll never apologize for doing that."

   "And you shouldn't, Anna.  But I was asking about men who have had sex
with you?" Have you had many lovers?"

   "No, David, I suppose we're both alike when it comes to the opposite
sex. I've been with three guys, if you count just the ones who got their
dick in me.  Most guys are intimidated by me.  I think they pursue me just
for the challenge of making it with a big woman."

   "I want to be good for you, Anna," I said.  "I want to love you and I
want you to enjoy it as much as I do.  Will you help me?"

   "Yes, David.  Just don't get in a hurry; see if you can get me aroused.
Those three guys seemed like they were in a rush to get it in me and it
wasn't very good for me.  You've got something I like so maybe you can help
me too."

   "What?" Was she referring to my penis?

   She grinned again and I knew she was going to tease me.  "I like your
chest hair, David.  You've got just enough to tickle me.  When you make
love to me and it rubs against my breasts, I'll know I'm in bed with a real
man.  Now will you turn around?"

   "Why?"

   "I've already seen your back.  I hope your butt is just as smooth.  When
you're on top of me and I'm rubbing your back, I want to feel smooth skin,
not a lot of hair.  When you're fucking me so fast the bed is shaking and
I'm trying to hold onto your ass, I want to feel skin, not hair."

   I turned around and let her look.  My back was hairless.  So was my butt
except for the hair that crept out between my ass cheeks.  I knew her words
were intended to arouse me and she had succeeded.  I felt the beginning of
an erection and looked back at her.  I started to try to hide it but there
was no way I could without looking like a fool.  I suppose I really wanted
her to see it, to see how she affected me.  I turned around again and stood
there, without saying another word, and let my penis harden and then lift
up.  My foreskin gradually pulled back as my penis hardened until most of
the head was exposed.  I kept my eyes on Anna's face.  She kept her eyes on
my penis until it was fully erect and curving upward at about a forty-five
degree angle and the head was almost all uncovered.

   "Wow!" she said looking at my penis.  "Il est étonnant.  Il est vraiment
magnifique!  You had better be slow with that thing when you fuck me.  My
pussy's aching to swallow it up to your balls but I want a good bed under
my butt when it does.  Are we going skinny-dipping, David?"

   I swallowed hard and answered.  "Yeah, I think that would be a good
idea. Believe it or not, the water's a little cold."

   "Cold?  I hope so," she answered, still looking at my penis.

   I held out my hand to her and then led her to the pool at the base of
the little waterfall.  Back the way we came, through the crack in the
rocks, the stream was little more than ankle deep.  In the pool, it was
almost three feet deep, enough for me to sit in with my head sticking out.
I'd spent a few quiet moments cooling off in it on my previous visits.  I
turned loose of her hand and started wading out into the pool, assuming she
would follow.  I hadn't gone far when she got me.

   Cold water splashed against my back.  I turned around just in time to
see her squatting down with both hands cupped together and then another
splash of water hit me from my face down to my knees.

   I squatted down, scooped my hands full of water, and threw it at her.  I
was about to do it again when she attacked me.  I didn't even have time to
straighten up when she was on top of me.  She came at me, put her hands
against my shoulders, and shoved me backward into the pool.  My head went
under the water and I caught my breath.  I tried to push myself up but I
was held down by a naked squirming woman.  I finally managed to get my head
out of the water.  She was sitting astride my stomach, on top of my
erection, grinning down at me.  Her head must have gone under too because
her hair was all wet.  She stuck her tongue out at me and just sat there.
My hands were on the bottom of the pool, holding me up slightly.  I quit
struggling and gave in to feeling her astride me.  She was still beautiful,
even with wet and tangled hair.

   "Nya, nya, nya.  David's a little sissy," she said.  "Letting a little
girl get the best of him."

   My thoughts were about how it felt to have her sitting on my erection
but then I remembered that we were supposedly twelve and eleven years old.
I wanted to be a kid again, playing in the creek with her.

   "I'm not a sissy and you haven't got the best of me," I said, trying to
imitate a little boy.  "You just surprised me."

   She rolled off me and sat down in the pool beside me.  I straightened
up, sat on the sandy bottom, and found that the water was about in the
middle of my chest.  I looked at her and saw that it was a little higher on
her.  It almost covered her breasts.  I could see the hard pointed nipples
just under the water.

   "David, why do you keep looking at me," she asked, like a little girl
and I knew I was supposed to answer like a little boy.

   "I don't know," I answered.  "I've never seen a girl before.  I mean,
not without anything on, I mean..."

   "Well, quit looking," she said, cutting me off with a grin.

   We sat there side by side in the water for probably a half hour, talking
like little kids.  We didn't say anything about the present, about what we
were doing or going to do or anything about how we had come to be trainees
for a war we wished would go away.  I told her about some more of my antics
when all of us kids played in the creek and some of the things we did in
the woods that we didn't want our parents to know about.  She told me about
growing up in a small town in Washington and how much she liked walking in
the woods behind her house where all the trees were covered with moss and
all the animals knew her.

   "I'm hungry," she finally said.  "What did you bring for lunch?"
   TO BE CONTINUED