Title:         Once Upon a Time Part 1 - Lost in Your Eyes (The Bet) 
Author:        EastinJoel 
Email:         eastinjoel@yahoo.com
Basic Codes:   mf,rom, nosex
Synopsis:      Joel takes a trip down memory lane. Literally.
Author Note:   This is the first chapter of a longer series. This first story 
               is less about the sex and more about a memorable moment. It serves
               to introduce the reader to the main character. Things get a bit more
               heated as it moves forward. I hope you enjoy!

---


Have you ever heard a song that took you back to a distant time and place.
Somewhere that, if only for a few minutes, you were young and carefree once
again? This happens to me all the time since I hit the big four-oh, and I have
started to relish these moments like a fine wine. I got the idea to chronicle
these short adventures after my last experience - both to extend the pleasure as
well as have something to refer to in case it ever stops. I'm Joel by the way -
Joel Eastin of Dallas, Texas. For reasons that should be fairly evident, some of
the names and places will be changed in these stories. But, there is no
excitement without some danger - so many will be left as they are, beginning
with my name and ending who knows where.

The last time this happened, about two weeks ago, I was in the car headed to
work. Like many, I have become dependent on my smart phone for most of my
musical needs - Pandora over Bluetooth is my go to for when I am in the car. On
this morning, I had failed to charge said device overnight so I was stuck with
local radio. The first question would be "Don't you have a car charger?" and it
would be a valid one. I do own one, but it had been shanghaied by my daughter at
some point, never to be seen again. I had recently gotten the wife a new car,
and like a dutiful husband I traded my truck in towards it, which leaves me with
her old van - which isn't worth much, but its paid for. One car payment is my
preference, so there I was - in the soccer mom van. 

While my wife was a certified freak when we met she has mellowed with age, so
her programmed stations are a mix of light rock and country-pop. Not my
favorites, but the smooth jams of the light rock station was certainly the
lesser of two evils. As the Counting Crows faded out, I was hoping for some
guilty pleasure song to replace it. I was thinking perhaps a power ballad from
one of my favorite glam bands would be awesome, when suddenly a piano intro
began, and I was instantly effected. Although I was driving to the office, the
same one I had been driving to for over ten years now - I was instantly a
teenager again. As Debbie Gibson began to explain how she gets lost in someone's
eyes, I detected a whiff of chlorine, and I was lost to the memory.

Now, before we begin, you should know that these memories do not occur like a
dream, where I am inhabiting the old me and experiencing things in first-person.
It's more like I am watching a movie that I can move around in and manipulate at
will. If I had to give an example, it's like I am on the Holodeck but as a
writer/director rather than the actor. I can skip the dull stuff, or choose to
let it run and I experience the sensations via memory and observation. Like I
said, it's a bit weird - but anyway, on with the show.

"Jesus, I can smell the chlorine from here - did they spill it or are they
trying to fry us?" Joel has pulled into the parking lot of the THS swimming pool
with several of his friends and teammates. Since their school, the world famous
Astronaut High School, had declined a free pool from a well-known brewing
company - the AHS team had to drive to the other school to practice. In addition
to being a pain in the ass, it also meant that they couldn't practice until
THS's team was done with the pool. So practice usually started two hours after
school let out, which had sucked when they couldn't drive - it was now no big
deal for Joel and the other upper-classmen. The lack of splashing was a give
away, "the bastards canceled their practice and spiked the pool with chlorine,
you know coach won't cancel, right?" Laughter from the passenger seat indicates
that Steve McBocks, Joel's partner in crime, is just drunk enough to not give a
shit about the chlorine. 

I could have fast forwarded through this part, but Steve died almost fifteen
years ago - smashed out of his mind behind the wheel. We had grown apart, but it
was a pleasant feeling to see him so young and full of life. I watch as young me
and Steve jump out of the car so Steve's brother Gary can jump out of the
backseat, and they sit on my old shitbox of a car and smoke waiting for the team
bus to show up. That was the curse of being young and on the team, you had to
catch the bus to practice, which for most people meant hanging out at school for
almost two hours everyday. And as usual, the bus was late in arriving, they
probably had to wait for the coach who was always running late.

"Why don't we go see Jen and the rest of the Volleyball girls?" Steve suggested.
And the hits keep coming, I follow the crew into the gymnasium and get rewarded
with a very fond memory. Like Steve and I, Jen was a senior at THS, and she and
I had worked together for the last year and a half at one of the restaurants
that lined Interstate 95 in Titusville. Tall, thin, blonde and smart as a whip,
she was the object of many a fine fantasy for most of the guys at work and on
the swim team. When I had finally gotten up the courage to ask her out, I found
I could add batshit crazy to that list as well - but that is a memory for
another day. Jen spotted us almost immediately and she and the rest of the girls
put on a show for us as we waited for the bus. About fifteen minutes after we
arrived, the rest of the men's team started streaming into the locker room.

Since the season had not even started yet, most of the Juniors and Seniors had
spent the last two weeks hazing the new freshmen, and today was no different as
Steve and Gary grabbed a tiny little freshman named Danny "OK kid, if you want
to be on the team, you have to earn your spot." Gary said as his brother placed
him in a not unfriendly side headlock. The kid was game, "what do I need to do?"
Expecting some push-back, Neither of the brothers had planned that far ahead, so
they both looked at Joel for a suitable punishment. Joel grinned, "My friend Jen
out there is waiting on me to give her a package, I want you to take it to her
for me, OK?" I didn't bother to follow young me out the door, I knew i'd be back
in a second. When Joel returned, Steve and Gary had explained to Danny, that the
delivery must be performed in the buff. I smiled when I recalled what was going
to happen just before it started. "Shit, is that all? I'd do that for kicks -
gimme your package."

A minute later, this new kid was marching up to Jen in the middle of her
practice to deliver a pair of girls panties that Joel had gotten from Tish in
the girls locker room. "Joel said you left these at his place the other night."
Like a boss, the kid turned and, not rushing, made his way back to the locker
room, as the volleyball girls giggled and catcalled him. He bowed with a
flourish and began to get suited up for practice. "Hey Joel, where did you get
the panties from?" he asked. Joel smiled and told him to wait and see, "I think
you'll enjoy the swim team kid." Then it was off to practice, and despite the
slack attitudes, each of us took that fairly seriously.

As the practice began, I knew what this memory was. I think I knew from the
first strain of that damn song, but I decided to not cheat myself. Even though I
loved swimming competitively, let's face it - it's boring as hell to watch. So I
spent the time strolling around the pool watching the people I only vaguely
remembered and feeling absolutely young again. As the time wore on, the folks in
the pool got more loose and the grab ass started. The plain fact of the matter
is that a wet bathing suit is near enough to naked for most high school kids,
and the kids on the team were very comfortable with each other. It wasn't long
before Larry, who grew up right near me, but whom I haven't seen since
graduation - was wearing Tish's suit and vice versa as they swam their laps.
Coach never really minded this, and we all thought he got off on the young
girls. I know now, that he wanted to be young again and that was as close as he
could get. He wasn't a pervert - he was just an old man.

When the whistle blew, I ran like hell to get ahead of the guys - I couldn't
afford to hang out and accidentally spoil this show for myself. Back in the
locker room, bedlam broke out quickly. While there was a common wall between the
two locker rooms, it was quite easy to hear what was going on in the other room,
so many of the guys were cutting up and screaming back and forth to the girls as
everyone changed into their street clothes for the long ride back to school. I
watched as Danny approached younger me, excited about something. "Joel, do you
know who the new blonde girl is? The girl on the dive team?" When Joel said he
didn't know who he was talking about, Danny pulled him up to the high set
windows above the lockers - "check her out, she's fine!".

I didn't bother looking outside, I knew what he would see. I wanted to see the
look on his face when he saw it. Joel climbed up beside Danny and took a gander
at the dive well. When he spoke, he affected a disinterested tone "OK, cute
freshman, what's the big deal?" But the look on his/my face was anything but
disinterested, he looked like a starving man who had just walked into the buffet
line. With the bravado that only a fourteen year old can muster Danny declared
his love for this unknown girl, "She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine."
Joel smiled, but inside he was conflicted - he thought this new kid had
potential, and he liked him, but damn if he was going to get that girl. "Danny,
you want to ride back with us? I can drop you at the school or at your house,
whichever." Danny said he his bike was at school, so Joel told him he would take
him home, and pick him up for school so he wouldn't have to double back for the
bike.

The ride to Danny's was spent listening to him talk about how he was going to
get the blonde diver. Idea after idea was presented and ultimately rejected by
Steve and Gary. Finally Joel couldn't stand it anymore - "No offense kid, but
some older guy is going to snap her up before you get the chance. She is cute,
but young and she will probably end up with a Junior or Senior before spring
break." When Steve agreed, suggesting that he might even take a run at her since
his girl was a sophomore now, and he liked the newer models. Danny was incensed,
he had seen her first and he was not to be denied. "I bet I get her, what do you
want to bet?"

At this point, I am beginning to feel sick - normally these events are just
fantastic trips to a better time, but this one - this one may be too much to
relive.

Joel pulled into the driveway that Danny indicated and killed the engine. "Look
kid, I like you and I think you will be a good addition to our crew. But I got
to tell you, you got no chance with that girl. Really, don't make some stupid
bet here, cause you will feel like an ass when you lose." Steve and Gary were
egging the kid on, and he refused to back down, so Joel ended it - "I bet I get
her before you, and when I win you will be my slave for the remainder of the
year. I'm talking washing my car, doing my homework, that kind of shit." The
brothers in the backseat went dead silent. Still not backing down, Danny asked
"What do I get when I win?". The younger, much more foolish version of myself
turned in his seat "You get my very next paycheck after you win the bet. That's
about six hundred bucks - give or take. Now are you in or out? I have to take
tweedles Dee and Dumb here home before I go to work." Danny climbed out and shut
the passenger door, then turned and stuck his head back in, "Oh, I am so in.
Your money will help me have a nicer car than this pile of crap in a year or so.
See you guys tomorrow!"

I fast forwarded through taking the McBocks' brothers home, and most of that
nights work. I did slow down a few times to ogle Jen in her waitress uniform,
but mostly I needed to see one thing that happened after work. Joel and his
coworker Nick had just finished closing up the kitchen for the night, and the
night manager had grabbed them beers after the dinner rush. After thanking him
for the beer, they made their way out back and each cracked one open. Nick lit a
smoke and asked Joel how school was going, and if there was any new talent on
the swim team this year. Nick had graduated two years prior, and while he was
never on the team, he had listened to Joel's stories enough to know he had
missed out.

Joel replied that things were about the same, no big shakeups, but it was still
early days. He mentioned Danny as an up and coming freshman, but he went no
farther. I knew that he had been confused all evening about why he'd made that
bet, but he was still unsure about repeating it to anyone. This was a better
idea than he could have ever expected, because Nick was about to drop a
bombshell. "Well watch your new freshman, because despite my warnings, my sister
Penny joined the team today. I expect you to keep her away from that crazy shit
you all do, got it?" In what should have been an Emmy winning performance, I
watched myself saying that I never knew he had a sister, and that I would
certainly keep an eye on her when she showed up. "I don't think she made it
today, there were just some new freshman swimmers and a diver." 

In my head, I had been slowly turning up the volume on an epic drum roll, and as
it built to a crescendo - Nick grabbed another beer and lit a new smoke. Then it
stopped. "Yeah that's Penny, the new diver."

To much discomfort here, so I fast forward before I can see the expression on
his/my face go completely slack. I decide on a 4x speed and watch the next few
days fly by, marveling at seeing the smallest things making me choke up. I'm at
my locker with my buddy Martin, just cutting up. Then I am eating lunch in the
not a cafeteria, the same people day after day, and some I could not name even
when I see them as they were. Slowing down whenever I see Danny, I soon pick up
the thread that progresses the story. Joel is at his locker after final bell. It
is a Thursday, so all he has to do is get through practice and he is free as a
bird until his Sunday evening shift. As Danny approaches, there is no tension -
in fact, Joel seems to like the kid more and more each day. It has been a little
over a week since the stupid bet, and it appears that he is prepared to just
ignore it - which is fine with Joel.

"We still partying Saturday?" Danny inquires, and Joel nods "Hell, if there's
any waves tomorrow - I'm starting the party then, I got some free time." Danny
is grinning, and looking back on it from this vantage point - it is clear he was
much more devious than I ever gave him credit for. "I just wanted to make sure
you were there when I win the bet. Can't have you pussing out on me now." The
look on Joel's face was more than enough communication - but he added "bullshit,
no way in hell sir." Danny just brushed him off, "I guess we'll see on Saturday,
won't we? Don't take too much time off, or I will have to take your next check
as well!" After Danny walked away, I felt a great amount of pride in my younger
self. There was no sadness or look of defeat there, and while I knew how it
turned out, I can remember the acidic taste he was experiencing in the back of
his throat.

Minus a few choice moments with long forgotten friends, I skipped directly to
Saturday night - I couldn't help it. The scene was fairly typical for my senior
year, a few vehicles parked around a bonfire in an old orange grove. The
attendees were a fair mix of the two high schools as well as a few of the older
folks who still partied with the kids. I thought they were badass back then, but
grown me knows how sad they were. Joel is lounging on the tailgate of what will
soon be his new truck, at least for awhile. I wish I could really talk to him
and tell him to not get attached - for one hand gives while the other takes -
even now the anger at my old man is red hot. But for now, he is king of his
court and he greets everyone as if they are his best friend in the whole world.
He is feeling no pain, partially, because there has been no call from Danny
asking for a ride. He had been worried there for a minute, and mad at himself
for not even talking to the girl. He really had hoped that the whole bet had
been forgotten - he didn't need Nick on his ass.

The easy feeling was stripped away about an hour later when Anthony's car pulled
into the circle. Anthony was a poseur of the first order, who they'd kept around
in ninth and tenth grade because he always had cash. Joel had not really spoken
to him since school started this year. Amidst the groans from the crowd as he
parked, Joel heard Danny calling from inside the car. When he emerged and aided
Penny in getting out of the backseat, you could practically see him glowing with
pride. I knew what was going through Joel's mind, and I had indeed come close to
just paying the money. It sure would have been easier, but then again, I
wouldn't have this memory to enjoy. I watched as I attempted to play it cool,
mingling and chatting people up - but my full attention was never in it as I
watched them constantly.

Joel kept his distance and tried to enjoy the party, but after a short time he
noticed that Penny was sitting off by herself as Danny was making the rounds. In
spite of his concern about her being Nick's baby sister, he found himself
approaching her. She was sitting on the tailgate of one of the football players
pickup, which had been backed in towards the fire, nursing a beer. "Hi, I'm
Joel. You're Penny right? The new diver on the team?" She nodded, "I know who
you are, my brother talks about you sometimes. I suppose you are here to make
sure I don't have any fun, right? He told me that you had agreed to babysit me."
Joel was surprised Nick had told her about that, kind of a dick move in his
opinion - how could he watch her if she was watching for him? Taking a seat next
to her, he explained "I told him that I would keep you clear of some of the
craziness that goes on with the team, that's all. You haven't gotten the full
effect yet since your always at the dive well. It's no big deal, I have no
intention of babysitting you."

They made small talk for an hour or so, her asking about school and the swim
team and him asking about what she was into. I knew the way he was feeling
because, even twenty years on, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
During all this time, Danny never stopped by to see her, which made Joel wonder
what he could be up to. Joel got up "Listen, I need to go see some people - when
I see Danny I'll send him over." Penny shook her head, "No need for that, I'm
just fine right here. It was nice to meet you Joel." With cellphones and the
Internet being years away she had nothing to do but stare at the fire and
observe the others, so Joel knew he'd have to be back soon. I watched as young
me walked away, in search of Danny - off to make the most wonderful mistake I'd
ever made.

Joel found Danny with a group of folks just outside the light of the fire,
toking up and having a blast. "Joel, you got my money ready? I'm gonna need that
on Monday man, sorry about your luck!" Joel motioned him over to talk privately,
and while he complied with that request he smack talked Joel loudly as he walked
over to him. "Oh, do you want to lose privately, should have said so man - I'm
sorry your friends know you got beat by a freshman!" Angry, Joel grabbed the kid
by his neck and pulled him in close. "What color are her eyes Danny? What kind
of music does she like?" Confused, Danny asked who Joel was talking about, "Oh,
the girl? Not sure man, but while she may be a bit light in the chest
department, that ass makes up for it don't ya think?" Joel grinned at Danny and
let him go, letting him move away a bit but still keeping in whispering
distance. "I like you Danny, you're a bit of a dick - but who isn't right?
Despite you trying to make me look like a douche out here tonight, I was about
ready to just pay you and get this over with, but then I talked to her for
awhile. That girl has no idea she's on a date, you are the guy that asked her to
come - but you've ignored her since you got here." Joel guided Danny back
towards the stoners, "This is what I'm going to do kid, you go back in there and
talk to her and I am gonna keep my eye on you while you do." He paused to take a
drag as his turn came in the rotation. "I will stand right here and get a good
buzz on while I watch. If you convince me that she really wants to be here on a
date with you, a kiss will do, you'll have the cash Friday evening - the bet was
my very next check. If, on the other hand, you cannot seal the deal I am willing
to let this fool bet die - no harm no foul." Joel passed the joint and stared
Danny down. "However, if you look to force yourself on that girl, or disrespect
her in any way - I will leave this sacred circle and come take her away from you
in front of everyone. At which point your service to me will begin, and it will
not be pretty - understood?"

The crowd in the circle began to egg Danny on, some telling him he could do it -
others saying he was too chicken to try. After his performance in the gym the
day they initiated him, Joel knew the kid would not back down. In fact, he was
counting on it. Danny shrugged them all off, "No sweat, enjoy yourself guys -
I'll be back in a few." As they watched, Danny approached her and while they
could not hear it, Jason Foster - the biggest pot head I have ever met -
provided the riff track version for the circle. "Sorry baby, I had to go see a
man about a horse. You need another drink, I can go get you one." The bottle
blonde Joey Kant, the Eve to Jason's Adam filled in for Penny. "No, I shouldn't
be drinking - I'm too young. If I get drunk someone may steal my virginity out
here in the dark." Joel shushed them, while he couldn't hear them anyway, the
pot was kicking in and he didn't need a case of the giggles right now. While it
didn't take long for Joel to realize that Danny had no chance, apparently Danny
couldn't get it. Joel watched as time after time he went in for the kiss, and
each time she batted him away. It was almost funny, but then - after being
pushed away for the third time, Danny said something to her that made her start
to scan the crowd with her eyes. It was obvious to Joel that she was scared,"Son
of a bitch" he said as he walked away from the circle.

The stoners followed him to the edge of the fire and watched from there. Some of
the others who were closer to the action had started to take notice that
something was wrong with the pretty young blonde, but stayed put when they saw
Joel approaching. While he had never been known as a brawler, most that knew him
were aware that he wouldn't back down from a fight if he was in the right. Danny
was in full rant mode as he approached, "Well then I guess you can walk home you
stuck up bitch!" As he turned to leave Joel grabbed him and whispered in his ear
before turning him back to face Penny. "I believe you had something to say to
Penny, didn't you?" Danny was beyond reason at this point, scared of Joel's
threat but angry at his public humiliation - he did not know what to say. "I
guess I'm sorry, but I still won the bet Joel - she chose me over you!" There
was some laughter from the crowd, but Joel wasn't worried about them at the
moment.

Now, at this stage in the story is when the girl finds out about the bet and
both guys lose out, right? That's the way it works in the movies. But Danny had
missed out on one key fact. "What are you talking about, what bet? You mean when
I was pumping you up to get the nerve to ask the girl out? Did you think we were
competing here? Penny, do you remember when we met?" Confused, she nodded,
"Yeah, we met about an hour ago when you came over and said hi to me." The
laughs came again, this time Danny could feel them pointed at him. "You bet me
you could get her first! You bet me six hundred bucks you could get her!" Joel
smiled at him, "you seemed like a good kid, and I was rooting for you the whole
time. Don't you think I would have at least spoken to her at some point if I was
trying to win that bet?" He dropped Danny and walked over to Penny, "Now, if I
wanted this girl - bet or no bet, I would probably have started by hanging out
with her once we got here. Would that have been a good start Penny?" She nodded
as Joel sat down beside her, "Then I would have talked with her some, probably
found out that she's into music and is going to be singing in the choir this
year. I would have noticed her beautiful green eyes, and that she smells like
flowers. You still with me Penny?" She was staring at him and nodding as he
continued. "Let's say all that went well Danny, let's get to the heart of the
matter shall we? The qualifying move here, as you agreed to, was a simple kiss
correct? No requirements on type, or length - just a kiss?"

By now, the crowd had grown quiet. The guys, who had been expecting a fight,
were disappointed. The girls though, that was something I had missed the first
time around, the girls were watching this and lapping it up like housewives
watching General Hospital as Joel continued. "Now, for me I would only count it
if your lips met her lips, so going with that something like this wouldn't
count." At that, Joel took Penny's hand and kissed it like a character out of a
Jane Austen book. She smiled, and the crowd sighed a bit. "Then, if that was
accepted I might move on to something like this." He took her chin in his hand
and turned her head, kissing her lightly on the cheek." Penny grabbed his other
hand as he did so and squeezed it. The guys were checking back in, some because
Joel was totally getting this girl, and others because they were certain this
would end in blood. "So Danny, at this point, because you really are fearless -
you would go in and give her the kiss, right? I saw your play, if she was into
you it probably would have worked, but alas she wasn't. I would have gone a bit
softer on the approach, probably like this." Still holding her chin up, he
disengaged his trapped hand and stroked her hair, looking into her eyes the
whole time. Penny slowly grabbed his shoulders and folded him in to her and
kissed him. The crowd roared, and if there were any dry panties at that party -
they were being worn by a guy.

Luckily there would be no fight, Anthony grabbed Danny and got him out of there
as quickly as possible and the party got back into form. I watched as he/I asked
Penny what time she had to be home, and ignore her when she said she had planned
to ignore her curfew. An hour later Joel drove her home, and received another
sweet peck on the lips for his trouble. Rather than go back to the party, he was
too nervous for that - Joel went home to think about what he'd done. While he
was sorry for his actions, there was no doubt that he'd be turning back now - he
was smitten. For me, it was time to speed things up, we were getting to the good
part.

A few weeks later, after a movie, the kissing began to get a bit more involved.
She wanted to go farther faster, but Joel was able to maintain some control.

As fall approached, things advanced to under the clothes on the bus ride back
from District Finals. I watched as he/I lost control for just a moment, and
remembered feeling guilty enough to come clean to Nick.

The conversation with Nick was a curious one, he'd already known because Penny
had told him. While he wasn't happy that he'd had to find out from her, he was
pleased with the gentlemanly way she said she I was treating her.

Finally, the moment arrived. This is what the whole thing was about, many things
happened after - but this is the moment I came for. The one that was triggered
by that damned song.

With the season over, Joel had taken to driving Penny home everyday after
school. Once there, they had an hour with which to entertain themselves before
her mother got home, and Joel had to go to work. This had been happening for a
few months, and at this point there was no control left in Joel. Things had
gotten serious enough for her mother to wonder why Penny was always in the
bathroom when she arrived home. With her suspicion, and his eighteenth birthday
a few weeks away, Joel knew this was about to be over. On this day, she was
expecting the usual but Joel was too melancholy to deal with - so she knew
something was wrong. As he explained the situation, telling her that he hated
it, but it couldn't be ignored. Things couldn't go on like this any longer, they
had to be done. Penny ran from her bedroom, and even as I went to scream at the
boy to follow her - I knew it was useless. The benefit of hindsight is powerless
in a situation like this, even now as an old man, I wonder how things would have
gone if that day hadn't happened. I watched him/me suffer for a few moments,
before the piano started downstairs.

Joel came downstairs quickly, wondering what was happening. In the last six
months, while he had seen her perform for the choir - she would never sing
anything for him when they where alone. Why in the hell would she pick now to
start? The random notes began to form a pattern, and just as he recognized it
(and just as I begin to weep) she started.

"I get lost in your eyes
And I feel my spirits rise
And soar like the wind.. 
Is it love that I am in?

I get weak in a glance
Isn't this what's called romance?
 ...And now I know
'Cause when I'm lost I can't let go"

At this point, she is crying, Joel is about to start, and I am torn between
heart bursting sadness and the wonderful feeling of what I honestly believe was
true love. She cannot continue, but that is OK, both young and old me have
gotten what we came here for. He gives her a kiss, and against our better
judgement - we leave.

And I am sitting in my mini van in the parking lot at work, tears streaming down
my cheeks, but a smile on my face. Penny and I were far from over at that point,
and although it has been twenty years since we last spoke, I know she is doing
well - married with lovely children and a husband who treats her well. There is
certainly more to the story, but maybe, and its a very tentative maybe - one
night I will get liquored up and play Dark Side of the Moon. Then maybe I can
tell you the rest, I don't remember it all anymore - but I know it ends badly.