Disclaimer Without The Trimmings.

        You must be of the legal age required in your country/state
to view pornography in order for you to read this story.
        I am the author of this story.
        If you want to put this story on a website contact me first for
a list of conditions.
        I am not responsible for your actions as a result of reading
this story (take some fucking responsibility for yourself).

        Feedback is very welcome, send compliments, constructive
criticisms, and requests to :


	Why not check out one of the following sites, which contain
my and/or other Author's stories.  Please take note that these are
NOT my websites, I'm just an Author.

01 : http://www.dimitrisarchive.com/ - JayDee's site, includes all my
stories, other authors and Showtime.
02 : http://www.asstr.org or ftp://asstr.org/pub/Authors/Dimitri - The
Alt Sex Stories Text Repository, the most constantly up to date collection
of my stories, because I update this directory!
03 : http://www.giffer.com - excellent, 100% free, lots of areas,
special area for my stories.
04 : http://www.GreyArchive.com (The Grey Archive, very popular, well
put together site with several of my stories).
05 : http://fanfiction.majorhost.com/index.html - Rogues Erotica,
constantly updating site with something for everyone.
06 : http://members.tripod.com/~sneal_ The X-Men Erotica Archive -
features My Marvel Comics series.
07 : http://www.angelfire.com/tx/TvArcive/ - Age Of Onslaught &
Star trek : Original Series story available here.
08 : http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/2506/foepage/ JamF's
FOEpage, features the GenX parts of my Marvel : Herald Of
Armageddon story and X-Files : Grandmaster, with images included.
09 : http://booyani.majorhost.com - Dedicated to the perversion
of your favorite videogame, comic book and anime characters since

        The following is a humor story, similar to my Seinfeld stories
and Embarrassment : A Tale Of Hypnotic Revenge.  It is meant more as a
parody of sex on the Internet, in particular in alt.sex.stories, and is
probably not too titillating (hehehehe, titillating!).  But hopefully it
is good for a laugh, I hope you like it and if you do, tell me.

        Cliches - A Cyber-Mockumentary - Part 1/2

        "Hello, I am Rupert Kincaid, and today we'll be looking at The
Internet," said the man appearing onscreen, a man in his mid-forties
with the dignified look of the middle-aged, British explorer of
yesteryear.  His hair was graying and swept back into a ponytail, his
white shirt unbuttoned at the top to show what was still a broad, hairy
chest.  His face was kindly, tanned and lightly wrinkled from time in
the sun, a look that was quickly fading into obscurity due to the very
subject he was in the process of introducing.
        "The Internet... and sex," he said,"From the very beginning, when
the Internet began to be used widely around the world, it was generally
sex and/or pornography that has been associated with it.  Hardly a fair
judgment, considering the massive, almost limitless amounts of uses
for the Internet, from downloading music files to looking up information
on the Hiddite Empire to investigating stock options.  But, that said, we
cannot deny that sex is another, widely used option by many of the users
of the Internet."
        He smiled warmly for the camera before continuing.
        "And so, as in previous years of this documentary series exploring
the Internet since the advent of VT - Virtual Technology, the subject we
will be looking at in depth this time will be the sexual side of the
        He turned about, showing a standard computer set up behind him.
        "Here we have the standard computer, with modem, keyboard and
VT Unit, all that we are missing is a user," he grinned,"Of course, for
obvious reasons the user who has volunteered to explore the sexual side
of Cyberspace does not want his face to be shown, nor his true identity
to be known.  To facilitate this, we will be giving him a whole new
Avatar (*) and alias to use before accessing the Net.  When the series
finishes he will be supplied with the Alias and Avatar he has chosen for
his regular use of The Net.  Remember that the user is what is classed as
a newbie, or a lamer by some of the more vainglorious Internet users, and
we'll be throwing him in at the deep end, as it were."
        Rupert picked up the VT Unit and placed it on his head, leaving
the visor up on his forehead,"Today we, our new user and our VT Camera
will be looking at the most basic areas of sex on The Net, the place that
most newbies start, newsgroups."
        He slid the visor down, and a second later the camera switched
to VT mode and accessed the Internet.

        (*) Avatar, a virtual representation of the user, which can be
made to look like anything the imagination can conceive.  New users are
asked to choose or upload an Avatar when they first connect to The Net,
and most users retain those Avatar's for the life of their Internet Usage.

        A virtual representation of Rupert stood next to a tall man dressed
in the garb and regalia of a Roman Warrior.
        "This is our user, who has been given the temporary Avatar and
Alias of Centurion."
        "Hello Rupert," said the stern looking Roman, his voice even had
the appropriate timbre and accent expected of a Roman warrior.
        "We are standing at the access point," said Rupert, pointing to
the glowing green portal in front of them, the only color apparent in the
white, shimmering light around them,"From here we can move to any point
of The Internet, anywhere in the world.  This time we'll be moving into
Newsgroups, the most accessible area for new users, it's user friendly
and easy to navigate, and proves a good jumping on point to the World
Wide Web, Centurion, shall we?"
        "Server," said Centurion loudly, as did most first time users
before they realized the server could hear them even if they
were whispering through styrofoam,"Access Newsgroups."
        "Accessing," said a smooth, sexless voice,"917,463 Newsgroups
available, would you like to narrow down the search?"
        "Show all newsgroups related to sex and/or erotica," replied
Centurion a little hesitantly, as if he expected sirens to go off and
a finger to be pointed at him.
        Instead, the Server ran an instantaneous check to make sure the
User was registered as the legal age, then replied,"97,047 groups related
to sex and/or erotica, would you like to narrow down the search further?"
        "Locate all newsgroups with sex in the title and display," said
Centurion in exasperation.
        "Centurion is obviously a little taken aback," said Rupert in
a whisper to the camera,"There is a huge amount of choice here."
        A long list of Newsgroups appeared inside the green portal, all
of them mentioned sex somewhere in the title.
        "Go to bottom," said Centurion,"And scroll up."
        Slowly the newsgroups began to move up the list, Centurion watching
avidly the huge amount of choices available.
        "Stop!" he cried, and the scrolling froze in place.
        "It seems Centurion has found what he is looking for," murmured
        "Access Newsgroup, Alt.Sex.Stories.Moderated," said Centurion.
        "Empty Newsgroup," replied The Server.
        "Fuck!" snapped Centurion, then sighed,"Open Alt.Sex.Stories."
        "Accessing," replied The Server, and then the green portal swelled,
grew large and surrounded them.  The green light surrounded them, grew
bright and then Centurion, Rupert and the cameraman found themselves in
        It was frenetic, they were in a huge area with no apparent roof,
walls or floors.  All over the place there were avatars, perusing files,
logging in stories, chatting or yelling at each other.
        "This is... this is," muttered Centurion,"This is fucking huge."
        "Where do you want to start, Centurion?" asked Rupert.
        "Well, let's look at the files," said Centurion, looking around
at the various shelves, some floating, some sitting still, that carried
all the logged posts for the day,"Server, how many posts?"
        "17,000," replied The Server.
        Rupert whistled in appreciation.
        "Open up first file, then," said Centurion eagerly.
        "Accessing file, Re: 10,000 sex stories, file accessed."
        A small box opened in front of Centurion, inside it was the image
of a Gorilla Avatar, dressed in a bathing robe.
        "Me too," said the Gorilla, and then the window closed.
        "What the fuck was that?" asked Centurion,"Server, open next
related file to 10,000 sex stories."
        "Accessing file, Re: Re: 10,000 sex stories, file accessed," said
The Server.
        A small box opened in front of Centurion, inside it was the image
of a Gorilla Avatar, dressed in a bathing robe,"Me too," said the Gorilla.
        The Gorilla disappeared and a new Avatar appeared, this one an alien
with huge black eyes and gray skin.
        "Fucking lamer newbie bitch," snapped the alien angrily,"Stop
fucking spamming and wasting our fucking time."
        The window closed.
        "Server, where are the stories?" asked Centurion in confusion.
        "There are 17,000 posts," replied The Server.
        "How many are stories?" asked Centurion.
        "Unknown, but there are only 313 posts over 100 lines in length."
        "Open first, then," said Centurion.
        Rupert turned to look at the camera,"Users should remember that
this is the unmoderated site, where anything can be posted by anyone,
whereas alt.sex.stories.moderated posts must be checked and confirmed
first by the moderator."
        "Accessing file, Star Fuck : The Next Generation, filed accessed."
        "Well, that's witty," muttered Rupert, and then the file opened
and Centurion, Rupert and the cameraman found themselves standing on the
bridge of The Enterprise.


        Captain Picard stepped onto the bridge, he looked around in
satisfaction and made to sit down in his chair.  Before he could do so,
Data interrupted him.
	"Captain, Romulan Warbird of the port bow."     
	Picard frowned and stood back up.
	"They shouldn't be here, open communication's channel Data."
	"I'm afraid I can't do that sir," said Data, standing up.
	"What?!" cried Picard in shock.
	"I'm due to seduce Counselor Troi in her quarters sir," replied
Data promptly,"You see she's feeling horny and I have to go down there on
a pretext that she's needed on the bridge, when I catch her masturbating
she'll ask me if I have a penis, and I'll tell her I'm anatomically
correct and then we'll have sex, I'll probably use my android abilities to
change the size, length and texture of my penis for her sexual pleasure."
	Picard stood in shock, his mouth opening and closing as Data
walked to the turbolift, hopped in and left the bridge.
	"Wh...wh....wha....what?" gasped Picard, then the turbolift doors
opened and Deanna Troi stepped out.
	"Counselor Troi, the most extraordinary thing just happened,"
started Picard, but Troi shook her head.
	"No time for that Captain, you have to take me to your quarters
to tell me that I'm the worst Counselor you've ever had, then I'll tell
you that every Captain I've served with has had the same complaints, but
everyone soon forgot when we had sex, come on, let's go do it!"
	She grabbed Picard by the hand and tried to pull him towards his
quarters, but he pulled back.
	"What the hell is going on?" growled Picard,"First Data....."
	"Oooh shit!" winced Deanna,"I'm supposed to be masturbating down
in my room!" she let go off his hand and rushed back to the turbo lift,
disappearing from sight.
	"Commander Riker, come in," said an exasperated Picard, banging
his communicator with his hand.
	"Sorry....uggh, uggh......sorry Captain, I'm busy fucking Tasha
Yar up her tight little cunt!"
	Whatever was effecting Deanna and Data was effecting Riker too it
seemed, so Picard smacked his communicator again.
	"Commander Worf, come in!"
	"I'm sorry Captain," replied Worf over the communicator,"I'm
busy......YES!....busy fucking Tasha up her ass."
	"Yeah commander," came Tasha's voice,"I just love a four inch
thick, eleven inch long cock up my tight little ass."
	Picard was inclined to think that most woman would actually be
split open by such a mythically endowed member.
	"I thought Tasha was dead," he said to himself, then hit the
communicator one more time.
	"Dr Crusher, I need you to come to the bridge immediately!"
	"I'm busy right now Captain," replied Dr Crusher,"I have to get
down to my quarters and catch Wesley masturbating, then give him
a blowjob and have sex with him."
	"But he's your son!"
	"Yeah, people seem to like the idea," replied Beverly, sounding
a little confused.
	Picard turned to ask one of the extra crew members who never
seemed to have anything to do but die or sit in the other members seats
when they were on a mission, but everyone was gone, the last crew member
sliding into the turbolift.
	"HOLD IT!" yelled Picard.
	"Sorry Captain," said the good looking female crewmember,"I have
to get to the orgy on ten-forward, be noticed by Riker and get done up
the ass by him while Wesley eats me out."
	And then Picard  was all alone.
	"Attention Enterprise," came a Romulan voice,"This is Ca'Thrak
Of the Romulan Warbird Istak, come in."
	"On screen," said Picard wearily.
	The female Romulan appeared on screen.
	"Umm, Picard, why are you alone?" asked the female Romulan captain.
	"I could ask the same question," said Picard,"You appear to be on
a deserted bridge."
	"Listen Picard, for some reason everyone on my ship is fucking
everyone else but me, and I think you're in the same predicament."
	Picard sighed, what was the point.
	"Okay, yes it's true, how about you beam over and we see.......we
see.....we see if we can sort this .......sort this...........uugggghhh,"
for some reason he couldn't say what he wanted to say,"Sort.......our
clothes into neat piles and then fuck on the helm controls, accidently
sending the ship into the badlands and being caught by the Maquis, who
make us sex slaves?"
	"What the hell are.....are..." started Ca'Thrak,"What the hell
are you waiting for, I'll meet you in your transport room in a minute."
	And Picard rushed to the turbolift.


        "File ends," said The Server.
        "Ummm, that was interesting," said Centurion,"Access next file."
        "Accessing file, Rapeing the white bitch, file accessed," said
The Server.
        Before Centurion could respond, he was standing on a sunlit
street, behind some bushes.


        I hate all white bitches and they need to lern a lesson and
I see this white bitch coming down the street and I grabs her and she
screams but I cover her mouth and shut up bitch or I kills you and then
I'm ripping her dress up and I'm fucking this 12 year old white bitch
and sucking her huge tits and she cums as I rape her with my 14 inch
black dick and I cumming and she is getting pregnant with my black baby
and crying I fuck her good and see her a year later with my little black
baby and thats good what she deserved white bitch.


        "File ends," said The Server.
        "That was certainly interesting," said Rupert.
        "That had to be the worst thing I've ever read," said Centurion
with a laugh,"Server, open related threads to last file, I want to see
what other people had to say about that."
        "Opening files, 17 files in total."
        Seventeen windows opened, all with various Avatars in them.
        "Great fucking story, man!" cried an elephant man.
        "Fuck that was good, got any more?" asked a bunny dressed in
samurai gear.
        "THAT WAS GOOD!"
        "More man! I want to read more!"
        "You're a talented sonuvabitch."
        "Oh yeah, you showed that white bitch."
        "I wish you'd rape me, I'd love it."
        "I blew my fucking load reading that story, great work, man!"
        "Cool shit, man."
        "That has to be the best fucking story in all of recorded history,
        "Fucking awesome shit!"
        "I'd like to put your story on a CD and sell it, contact me."
        "I thought rape was bad, now I want to do it too."
        "Just great man, just great."
        "I see true potential here."
        "Rape is bad, but your stories are good!"
        "Files end," The Server informed Centurion.
        "Unbe-fucking-leivable," muttered Centurion.
        "Different Strokes for Different Folks," Rupert told the camera
with a grin, then spoke up to Centurion,"Did you not like the story,
        "No I did not," replied Centurion,"This place is alt.sex.stories,
I don't just want sex, I want story as well," he turned about,"Server,
find the largest file in the newsgroup and access it."
        "Locating, file located, accessing file, School Hijinks, file
        The window opened over them, and there they were in a bedroom.


        Sleeping, and sleeping she did sleep till like an unwanted visitor
the sun wormed it's way under her eyelids and forced ruby red rays into
her cornea, raping her eyes to wakefulness and murdering her sleep.
        She rolled from the sheets, silken sheets of gossamer fury which
clung to her body angrily, holding her to the bed like a spider's web
and tugging her back to the world of dreams and relaxation.  But sleepily
she cast off the shackles that clung to her smooth skin and stepped from
the bed, stretching and letting out a low yawn, her sweet breath expelling
up from her athletic young lungs, up her throat and out between her
perfect ruby lips, lucky lips to feel such sweet breath...

        Centurion yawned.
        "Server, advance forward several paragraphs."

        ....lucky breath to pass over such sweet lips.
        Her yawn ended, and slowly her arms dropped to her sides, skin
against skin, the warmth hot and hard, blood pulsing through her vessels

        "Server, move down 50 lines," said Centurion.

        ....and stepped through the door, out into the hallway, gloriously
carpeted hallway, the carpet pressed hard against the floor, making love
to the wooden boards, her bare feet intruding against the lovers, making
them cry out loudly in their silence.
        She moved down the stairs, OH THE STAIRS! Who could fail to see
such sensuality as was expressed by them.....

        "Server, cut to the first mention of sex, penis, breasts or vagina,
and any variation of those terms," snapped Centurion.

        ....sex, you know what I mean," said Marvin,"The birds and the
bees, all that good shit."
        "I don't know about anything like that," replied Barbara,"Let's
just go back to school, all right?"
        "Yeah, I guess," sighed Marvin, and started up the car again.

        "Server, cut to next mention."

        "Okay," said Barbara,"Okay then."
        They made love then, and it was surprisingly good despite both
of their inexperience.
        Afterwards, Barbara got dressed and left the house, driving home

        "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!" cried Centurion,"Server, close file!!!"
        "File closed."
        "Centurion appears to have seen the end of both spectrums here,
hasn't he," remarked Rupert,"Sex without story, story without sex, can
he find a happy medium?"
        "Server, open new message," said Centurion.
        "Now this is interesting," said Rupert,"Most new users are a
little wary about posting messages on their first outing, let's see how
Centurion does, and how others react."
        "Begin message when ready," the Server said.
        "Hello there," said Centurion,"I'm new to this Newsgroup, but
so far all I've been able to find are thousands of inexplicable messages,
shitty posts with no story and too much sex or, just as bad, too much
story and no sex at all.  I'm new, remember, so if anyone can recommend
a good story to me I'd be really grateful, thanks."
        "Message sent," said The Server.
        Suddenly several Avatar's began approaching Centurion, surrounding
him on all sides.
        "You were looking for good stories?" asked one Avatar in the
form of a cat,"You shoul...."
        "DON'T FUCKING SEND SPAMS!!!!" screamed an Avatar in the form of
an alien, with huge eyes and gray skin,"YOU STUPID FUCKING LAMER!!! THIS IS
        "Hey, the guy is new," said the cat,"He just wants some advice."
        The alien twisted to face the cat, fury apparent in his
eyes,"Personal Access file, upload Avatar Corruption File to
User : Felinus@Cyber.com."
        "NO!" cried the Cat, then disappeared from view.
        "Hey, there was no need for that!" cried a seven foot tall Avatar
wearing nothing but a loincloth,"Why are you such an asshole anyway?"
        "Fuck you!" snapped the alien,"He interrupted me from reprimanding
this newbie bitch."
        "I just wanted to find some good stories," ventured Centurion
hopefully,"I didn't want to cause any problems."
        "Then why didn't you read the FAQ?" asked the alien,"Or are
you such a stupid bitch that you...."
        Suddenly the alien disappeared.
        "User : Klothos@msn.com cut off by Server MSN," said The Server.
        "Forget all those assholes," said the seven foot tall Avatar,"Hey,
I'm Barbarian, who are you?"
        "Centurion," said Centurion,"What happened to the alien? And what's
his problem?"
        "Klothos? She's a regular user, unfortunately she tends to think
that A.S.S is her personal newsgroup, and everyone in it should pay
respect to her, even though she puts out more spam than anyone else.  She
was cut off from her server for corrupting Felinus' Avatar, poor Felinus
is a nice guy, but he knows shit-all about A.S."
        "Yeah, Avatar Security, you gotta protect your Avatar, anyone
could corrupt you and cut you off for hours, or even do an image scan
of your Avatar and get access to your accounts.  Most Servers protect
you from that kind of thing, but you'd be surprised how many leave it
up to their users."
        Barbarian laughed, noticing that hundreds of Avatar's had gathered
to talk about various subjects springing up from Felinus and Klotho's
abrupt departure.  The background noise was getting quite loud.
        "Listen to them, they all complain about spam, but they flood
the fucking Newsgroup night and day."
        And then suddenly it went very quiet.
        "Oh shit man, I don't believe it," gasped Barbarian,"She's here!"
        "Who's here?" asked Centurion.
        "Her, man," laughed Barbarian,"The Bright Lady."
        Centurion realized for the first time that all the Avatars had
not just shut up, but were standing stock still, gazing towards a steadily
brightening light.
        "What's that?"
        "The Celestial Star, the Judge & Jury," laughed Barbarian happily.
        "Okay, is she an author then? A Good one?"
        "NO SHE AIN'T AN AUTHOR!!!" laughed Barbarian good naturedly,"She's
Celeste! The reviewer, the heart and soul of A.S.S!!"
        "Alt.sex.stories has a heart and soul?" asked Centurion dubiously.
        "Yeah, yeah it does," muttered Barbarian distractedly, walking
forwards towards the bright light that the other Avatar's were congregating
about.  He stopped for a second, turned about and smiled at Centurion.
        "Server," he said,"Open A.S.S System File, A.S.S Faq."
        "File opened," said a warm masculine voice, Barbarian's Server?
        "Read the FAQ," he told Centurion,"I gotta go hear Celeste's
latest reviews."
        He left Centurion behind.
        "Celeste," said Rupert to the camera,"Is an almost mythical user
of Alt.Sex.Stories, her origin and identity shrouded in mystery.  Is she,
as some claim, a reclusive author? Or perhaps a high ranking member of
the Government? Which would explain her ability to shield her identity
from the brightest hackers, or perhaps she is," Rupert stopped to laugh
at the patent absurdity of the next idea,"Perhaps she is an English and
Literature teacher at a school somewhere in Northern America? As some
claimed during the dying days of the old millennium."
        Rupert turned from the camera, which focused again upon Centurion,
who was attempting to read the A.S.S FAQ.
        "I hope that explains a few things, Centurion?"
        "I've been reading for five minutes and I haven't gotten through
the introduction yet," muttered Centurion,"Ahh, here come the table of
contents.... aha..... yeah... immhmmm, what the fuck is netiquette?"
        "It's like the social rules and niceties of the Internet," said
Rupert, both to Centurion and the camera,"Ways of acting online, certain
forms and protocols."
        "Forms and protocols!" muttered Centurion,"I thought the Internet
was supposed to give you freedom, now I gotta learn a whole new set of
fucking rules!?!"
        "We can't be barbarians, Centurion, your alias should be a good
reminder of that."
        "Well he's a fucking barbarian, and he's making out all right!"
snapped Centurion, pointing at Barbarian, who was off in the distance,
smiling as he read the open window in front of him, containing the latest
Celestial Review,"Ahhh fuck it, Server, skip through article until you
find mention of some kind of story connection, you know a... um, one of
        "Links?" Rupert offered helpfully.
        "Yeah, find some links!"
        "Searching, found," replied The Server,"Showing all recorded
instances within FAQ."
        Centurion read through them.
        "FUCK! Links to old FAQ's, links to an archive of past Celestial
Reviews, no links to any fucking story sites!"
        Centurion arched an eyebrow, looked about and saw nothing apart
from the adoring Avatar's around Celeste.
        "Pssst," came the noise again.
        "Behind you, Centurion," muttered Rupert.
        Centurion turned around and saw a pair of red rimmed eyes peering
out at him from the darkness.
        "Me?" asked Centurion.
        "Sshh," whispered the dark figure,"Don't draw any attention to
me, I'm here under an assumed alias."
        "Wh..." started Centurion loudly, then dropped his voice to a
low whisper,"Why?"
        "I was banned from A.S.S," muttered the figure.
        "How come?"
        "Trumped up charges," muttered the dark figure,"Things ain't like
they used to be last millennium, it's all gotten political," he motioned
with one pitch black arm at Celeste, making Centurion realize that he
wasn't just hidden by shadows but a part of them,"Like her, she claims to
be an impartial reviewer, but she never liked me, 'coz I had more talent
in my little finger that she had in her whole fucking body!"
        "You're an author?"
        "Not just an author, kid, THE author, but SHE gave me the lowest
scores possible in her review, said I lacked any creative ability, focus
or imagination, and that my stories and characters lacked appeal, value
or any erotic or sensual qualities."
        He'd been getting progressively louder and louder as his tirade
continued, and several Avatar's were beginning to notice.
        "Oh fuck," whispered the shadowman, then grabbed Centurion by
the arm.
        "HEY!" cried Centurion.
        "You want free stories or not, buddy, a website full of them!?!"
cried the shadowy figure.
        "Wha...? Yeah!"
        "Then come with me."
        "That's Shadowen!" cried Barbarian, pointing,"He's using an
assumed alias!"
        A swirling green portal opened behind them.
        "Okay then!" laughed Centurion, he twisted about and flipped the
        "Oh bloody hell," muttered Rupert, and seconds later he and the
cameraman were sucked after Centurion by their linked Account.
        The portal closed.


        They moved down a green, swirling corridor, surrounded by masses
and streaming flows of data bits.
        "So where are we going?" asked Centurion.
        Shadowen had resumed his usual Avatar, a swirling, smoking figure,
a figure which now turned to face Centurion.  His face was hard to see,
the eyes dark holes in the swirling smoke, nose and mouth constantly
        "I got a website up," he said,"We'd be there by now, but I'm
following a circuitous route through a series of other URL's to evade
        "Detection by who?" asked Centurion.
        "Detection by whom," corrected Rupert (who was invisible to all
users but Centurion).
        "By whom then," muttered Centurion, making Shadowen glance at
him suspiciously.
        "My enemies in A.S.S, for one," he said at last.
        "You have enemies in A.S.S?" asked Centurion,"That's a little
        "That's whats makes them so dangerous," replied Shadowen,"Anyway,
I've been ferreting through the best stories in A.S.S and A.S.S.M for
years now, since late last millennium actually, and I've collected them
all together for users to read, without having to sift through all the
fucking spam that's all over the place."
        "But there isn't any spam in A.S.S.M," Rupert remarked, Centurion
ignored him.
        "And it's all free?"
        "Yeah, totally free man, you don't have to pay like with all those
other bullshit sites," he chuckled,"Why pay when you can get it for free,
        "Yeah, exactly!" laughed Centurion.
        Shadowen grinned,"Nah man, my stories are completely free, 100%
free, absolutely and totally free!!!!"
        The tunnel reached an end, a huge barrier blocking their way.
words, ENTER and EXIT.
        "Just touch the enter button," said Shadowen,"It'll verify that
you are Centurion@Cyberia.Com and that that account is held by someone
of the legal age of requirement, then let you in."
        "And then I get the stories?"
        "Totally free?"
        "No catches?"
        "Cool," laughed Centurion and pushed ENTER.
        VERIFIED flashed up on the screen.
        And Centurion found himself floating in a well of words,
stretching as far as the eye could see upwards or downwards.
        "What is this?" he asked.
        "Simple," chuckled Shadowen,"Filenames, as well as the name
of the author as well as a few salient facts about the story, a brief
summary and description of what the story is about."
        "Awesome," laughed Centurion and reached for a floating name
near him, which read 'Chasing Alyssa Milano.'
        Centurion recoiled, his hand had been blasted by a surge of
electricity when he touched the file.
        "WHAT THE FUCK!!"
        "What do you think you're doing?" snapped Shadowen.
        "I wanted to read the file!" retorted Centurion sharply, staring
at his seemingly undamaged (but still stinging) hand.
        "You can't read shit until you get a password," grumbled Shadowen.
        "Well why didn't you say so," replied Centurion irritably,"What's
my password."
        "Not that simple, bud, first I need your credit card number."
        "Huh? What for?"
        "For the joining fee."
        "Joining fee? What the fuck are you talking about?"
        "Standard joining fee," muttered Shadowen, seemingly weary of
explaining what should have been obvious,"It's $9.95 to join, you get
three days free access, then it's an additional $4.95 a week, direct debit
from your account for your convenience."
        "BUT YOU SAID IT WAS FUCKING FREE!!" yelled Centurion in disbelief.
        Shadowen sighed,"It is, you read every story for free, but access
to the website is $3 a week, and $1.95 a week for the password added on."
        "That's a load of fucking bullshit you lying bastard!"
        "HEY!" growled Shadowen, appearing angry,"If you logged our
conversation, which I did, I never actually said the website or password
were free, just the stories! Don't you call me a fucking liar!"
        "YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR!!" roared Centurion.
        "Get the fuck out of my site you lamer bitch!" yelled Shadowen,"I
try to fucking help a newbie and get abused for my trouble, I wouldn't
let you into my site if you paid me!"
        And suddenly Centurion was floating in front of a huge, benevolent
looking face.

	End Part 1/2