REMEMBERING

BY MICHAEL K. SMITH

Do I remember? Yes, Doctor, I remember the incident very clearly.
It was on my thirteenth birthday and my brother, David, who was
nearly eighteen, told me it was time -- according to tradition --
for me to be "initiated" as a woman. I had just started having
regular periods a few months earlier and I thought "How neat!" I
didn't know there *was* a traditional ceremony when you started
menstruating... which shows you just how naive I was.
He told me to strip down to my underwear, and I trusted my big
brother -- I almost worshipped him, truthfully -- so I did it.
Anyway, there was never much of a nudity taboo around our house
so it wasn't any big thing.

When I was down to my bra and panties, David had me lie across
this big leather ottoman that belongs to Dad's favorite
Chesterfield chair in the study. He held my arms down along the
legs of this thing and fastened down my wrists with lots of
adhesive tape. I don't know what I thought was going to happen.
The tape didn't hurt and I guess maybe I was expecting "birthday
licks" with a paddle or something. David was giving me this hokey
evil grin but he always was a big tease.

Anyway, I was stretched out flat across the ottoman and it was so
large, and I was so small, the back edge came all the way to my
waist and bent me right in half. My knees barely touched the
carpet. And David had rolled up a couple of big bath towels and
tucked them under my hips crosswise so my little virgin ass stuck
up even more.

Pardon me? Oh. No, I wasn't exactly frightened at that point.
Nervous, sure. Maybe a little apprehensive. But like I said, I
was naive. I was squirming around and warning David he'd better
not hurt me,... but I was laughing and giggling, too. It all
seemed like kind of a game until he put the tape across my mouth.
I didn't like that at all... but, of course, by then it was too
late to complain or yell.

David moved out of my range of vision and a moment later he
peeled my panties right down to my knees. Now, *that* was
embarrassing! I was kind of afraid he was going to leave me there
like that for our parents to discover when they got home. Anyway,
I could hardly move at all. There was a long pause, and then a
stinging, open-handed slap on my butt made me jerk and squeal.

I remember thinking I was going to *get* him for that! I wouldn't
tattle on him, of course, but I'd come up with some embarrassing
prank to pull on him. He slapped me on my bare ass a few more
times, waiting long enough in between that I wasn't sure it was
going to happen again -- until it did. I just squawked from
behind the tape and steadied myself by holding on tight to the
legs of the ottoman.

Then he stopped spanking me and said something like "Now, this
will feel better." And he slid a couple of fingers between my
legs from behind, stroking the edges of my pussy.

Now, you have to understand something, Doctor: I was one of those
adolescent girls who was very, very nervous about the sexual
feelings I was beginning to have.

I was embarrassed and a little scared by the tingles I used to
feel in my breasts and crotch when I was around certain boys I
knew. A couple of my friends at pajama parties had told how
they'd learned to masturbate, and how great it felt, and even how
they had jerked off boys.

Frankly, I was bewildered by the whole thing. My parents were
very uptight and would *never* talk to me about such things, so I
really was appallingly ignorant.

So when David started touching me like that, especially because
he was behind me where I couldn't see him and I couldn't move or
talk, I was kind of frozen in shock. I didn't react or move at
all. And when he pushed one finger way up inside me, I moaned
because now I was frightened.

But my brother said "You like that, don't you, kid?" and put a
second finger inside me and wriggled them around.

I stiffened and tried to jerk back, but I went in the wrong
direction and the movement made his fingers penetrate even
deeper.

David said something like "Boy, you *are* hot for it!" And he
took his fingers out. I was too rattled even to cry.

After a minute or so, when all I could hear was the rustle of
clothing, David moved around where I could see him. He was
completely naked.

I'd seen him without clothes before, but only by accident. And he
had an enormous erection that he was slowly stroking with one
hand.

"Since you're such a hot little thing, I'm going to fan your
flames real good," he said. That sounds terribly corny, doesn't
it, Doctor? I suppose he thought he was being romantic.

But he knelt there for a couple of minutes with his eyes
half-shut, fondling his dick two inches from my face. Then he
smiled and leaned over and kissed me on the back of the neck, and
then he moved back around behind me.

I tried to scrunch up against the ottoman and close my thighs
together as tightly as I could, but I couldn't get any traction
with my knees against the carpet.

David's hands closed firmly around my ankles and pulled my legs
back and apart. Then he moved up really close behind my ass, his
penis hot as it brushed against my thigh and his knees keeping my
own knees separated.

I felt something that was both hard and soft rub up and down
against my cunt, dividing the lips and spreading them open. It
took a few seconds before I realized it must be his penis.

That kind of woke me out of my daze and I started thumping my
forehead against the ottoman and making groaning sounds and
writhing around trying to avoid him.

But he just laughed and said "Patience, kid, we'll get there!" I
think he honestly thought I was horny as hell and *wanted* him to
fuck me. Yeah, I know --maybe I shouldn't be so understanding or
charitable.

And all of a sudden, his dick was sliding into me, bumping
against the end, moving in and out, and he was holding my hips
steady as he kept ramming it into me, and I was beginning to get
hysterical, and wanted to cry and scream and all that, but the
damn tape---

Sorry, Doctor, sorry. I know I have to be calmer in telling this.
I can't break down now, not after all that's happened. Just let
me take a couple of deep breaths; that always helps....
Okay. I'm okay now.

Anyway, David just kept fucking me like that, pushing hard and
then even harder, and after a few minutes he banged into me so
hard it felt like he was going to poke a hole through the end of
my vagina. And he held me there rigidly and made strange little
sounds and jerked a few times as he shot off into me.

Since I was so small and the fit was so tight, a lot of his stuff
immediately leaked out and oozed down my leg. I could feel it and
I was terrified that it might be blood, but when he finally
pulled out, he checked between my legs and said something about
there being only a small spot of blood and that I'd lost my
virginity "like a pro."

I shook my head back and forth and moaned again, trying to get
him to understand that I wanted that damn tape off my mouth, but
either he didn't understand what I wanted or he was afraid I was
going to scream my head off.

Honestly, I can't remember whether I intended to scream or not. I
just wanted my mouth free.

David moved around in front of me again and squeezed his dick to
make a little more semen ooze out. That's when I understood what
that wet feeling was on my thigh.

"Did you come, kid?" he wanted to know.

I wasn't even sure what he was talking about but I shook my head,
trying not to look at the way his cock glistened with the
moisture that had been inside my cunt a moment before. It kind of
struck me that maybe I was a "woman" now, having been fucked and
all.

The fact that it was my older brother who had done it didn't seem
to make much difference. But I looked up at him with the most
pleading expression I could invent.

He seemed thoughtful and asked me if I wanted him to take the
tape off my mouth. I nodded my head so vigorously I banged my
chin and bit my tongue. He reached down and took hold of one
corner of the tape and paused. "You're not going to make a lot of
noise, are you?" I shook my head "no."

"Because I wouldn't like that," he went on. "I'd have to tell Mom
and Dad how you made me screw you, how you talked me into it and
all."

I knew he could do it, too, and they would believe him. My
brother was a very persuasive person when he wanted to be. So I
shook my head again, and raised my eyebrows, and hunched my
shoulders in a kind of submissive way. I just wanted to get rid
of that damned, choking tape!

So he peeled it off slowly and smoothly, being careful not to
hurt me -- which is ironic, isn't it, now that I think of it.
David didn't want to hurt me. I licked my lips, which were kind
of sticky, and whispered "I won't say anything to anyone, David,
I promise."

He studied my face and slowly nodded. But he didn't untape my
wrists and I was afraid to ask. Doctor, that was the first time
in my life I'd ever been afraid of my brother. It was not a nice
feeling.

David knelt beside the ottoman and his hands began wandering over
my ass and between my legs again. His fingers were poking and
exploring everywhere and,... well, he started rubbing one finger
over my clit, which felt much larger and more sensitive than it
ever had before.

I don't know whether he knew what he was doing or whether he just
got lucky, but it suddenly felt like my soul was centered in my
clitoris. As he rubbed his fingertips slowly across the head of
it, I started to jerk and buck like I was being electrocuted.
And, God, how I moaned! I was completely shameless,

Doctor. I'd just been raped -- there's certainly no other word
for it -- and there I was, trying to squat down on his hand even
farther and stretching my legs as far apart as I could.

David just said "Wow"... which, I guess, meant he was impressed.
And I found I was begging him to untie my hands, but not to stop
what he was doing, either. After maybe three or four minutes of
sexual self-torture, I had my first orgasm ever. All my leg
muscles twitched, and my butt vibrated, and my lower back kind of
spasmed.

The most incredible, revelatory experience possible for a
completely inexperienced thirteen-year-old.

Then he stopped and took his hand away and, God help me, I wanted
more!

I was actually sobbing "Don't stop, don't stop!" like a crazy
person.

But he had only paused to finally untape my hands. He had to tell
me several times to hold still because I was twisting and
writhing around so much. And as soon as one hand was free, it
flew straight to my crotch.

Then both hands were free and I was lying on my back on the
floor, holding my labia apart with one hand and feverishly
strumming myself with the other.

David was sitting on the ottoman while this was going on,
watching with a kind of awe as I masturbated, as if he were
Aladdin and I was the Genie. I don't remember whether he had an
erection just then or not, but pretty soon he was on the floor in
front of me, gripping my kneecaps and insisting he could help.

What he did was to push my knees up and out so my ass was
pointing at the ceiling. Curling up my spine like that did give
me better access to my pussy, I guess, but he wasn't just being
helpful.

Doctor, have you ever been ass-fucked? Don't look so startled:
You're the psychologist, not me. People do it all the time. I'm
told that it's sometimes frightening or at least distasteful even
to adventurous college students.

But think what it would be like for a newly de-virginized
adolescent....

Actually, David *was* being helpful, but mostly to himself. He
dipped several fingers deep into my cunt and came out with a
handful of juice, which he lathered on his cock like hand lotion.
Then he slid a finger into my upturned ass and moistened it.
I barely noticed what he was doing -- hell, I was up in the
clouds somewhere.

But I sure as hell noticed when he got a grip on my gaping crotch
with both hands and began pushing his penis into my rectum. The
pain was almost enough to overcome the ecstatic throbbing of my
clit -- almost. As it was, I stiffened and tried to lower my legs
-- David kept a tight hold and wouldn't let me -- and I moaned
and sobbed even louder than before.

It was probably a real turn-on for someone who was into that kind
of dominance thing and my brother was turning out to be one of
those people. He'd push in some, then withdraw a little, then
grunt and push again -- only harder. After a few minutes, he was
pretty much all the way in and he paused to catch his breath. He
let go of my legs but the fit was so tight, I was like a nut
threaded onto a bolt. I couldn't move.

And then he began seriously fucking my ass and the real pain hit
me. He got enough lubrication going that he actually could slide
in and out quite a bit, but it still hurt. Going in, I was
terrified that he'd split me open and I'd die of it. And pulling
out, it felt like my intestines were going to be dragged inside
out by his cock.

Part of me wanted to scream, but I didn't. I cried and sobbed and
begged him to stop, but I didn't make a single sound that might
have brought outside help. Why do you suppose that was, Doctor?

No -- I think it was something other than ordinary fear. I think
it was pretty simple, really: No matter how frightened I was, no
matter how much he was hurting me, I didn't *really* want my
brother to stop doing what he was doing. At some level, I *liked*
having my ass fucked. Well,... that's the only reason that makes
sense to me, as pathetic as it may be.

So, anyway, there was about ten minutes of lying on my back with
my legs bouncing around in the air, watching David hovering over
me with his dick connected to my butt like they'd grown together.

My fingers were still jammed in my cunt but I wasn't masturbating
very much at that point. No concentration left, I guess. And then
he speeded up for a few seconds and came -- hard. I couldn't
really feel it. Inside, I mean. And then he kind of just knelt
there catching his breath, with his cock still stuck up my
rectum.

He finally withdrew, rather suddenly, and the relief was so great
I'm afraid I actually whimpered. I suppose David thought I was
disappointed he'd stopped. He patted me on the knee and said
something to the effect that we could fuck again later, the next
time we were alone for the afternoon, and that he could teach me
lots of other things.

We just sat and lay there naked on the floor for a little while
and felt the sweat dry on our bodies. I stayed on my back,
actually; I was much too stiff and sore to sit up. David kept
watching me with a faint, sort of pleased-with-himself smile.
And then I said something I couldn't believe at the time. I still
don't fully understand it. I mean, my older brother, whom I
trusted, had just raped me --twice. Right?

And what I said was, "Thank you, David. I love you."

Is that twisted or what, Doctor? What was I thanking him for,
anyway? So he patted me on the knee again and said he loved me,
too. He said it kind of offhandedly, like he was thinking about
something else.

Then he said the next time he'd use protection because he didn't
want me getting pregnant and I wasn't old enough to go on the
Pill.

I have to say, Doctor, that David kept his word. Every time he
fucked me after that, he used a condom.

And about three years later, when I was sixteen, he found a
doctor who was willing to prescribe the Pill for me, no questions
asked.

I'm pretty sure our parents still thought I was a virgin at
sixteen --can you believe that? I had ten times as much mileage
on my cunt as my mother had, I'm sure. And I had probably done a
number of things, at my brother's urging, that would have made my
mother faint.

As I'm sure you've figured out by now, David and I kept having
sex --usually at least once a week, sometimes every night for
several weeks, depending on the circumstances. And by the end of
the first year, I was a more or less willing co- conspirator.
Maybe I became addicted, I don't know. I *do* know that there
were days when my school classes passed in a feverish haze and
all I could think about was screwing with David.

What's odd is that this constant horniness didn't include other
boys, whether my own age or older. I didn't walk down the street
staring at strange men and wondering what it would be like to
fuck them. David never told me I *couldn't* have sex with other
guys -- maybe it never occurred to him -- but he was the only
partner I ever considered.

We kept experimenting, too, Doctor. By my fourteenth birthday, I
was a pretty accomplished cocksucker. I could milk my brother for
an hour or more, building him up to a high pitch, then backing
off just enough to prolong things.

And when he finally did come, it was nearly always in my mouth.
It never occurred to me not to swallow, either. I guess I became
pretty avid about sex.

You know, from what I've read about situations like mine, the
victim -- if that's really what I am -- has fits of depression
and withdraws from outside contacts, and school grades go down,
and there are all these other symptomatic side effects.

Well, that didn't seem to happen to me. My grades were already
good and they only got better. I had plenty of girlfriends and
none of them suspected a thing. When my friends got giggly about
boys and sex, though, I just kept my mouth shut and listened.

That's why it bothers me, sort of, that things turned out the way
they did. I guess I thought I had adjusted to my physical
relationship with my brother. It was all certainly a surprise to
him.

What do you mean, "What happened?" Doctor, you know perfectly
well what happened. Okay, I suppose you want to hear it again.

It was four years and two days after the whole thing began -- two
days after my seventeenth birthday. I was considered a pretty hot
date by that time and I was always popular, but I never screwed
anyone but my brother. Of course, I knew the whole thing was
abnormal but I had accepted it for so long, I no longer thought
about it much. I guess, in a strange sort of way, I was pretty
well adjusted.

David had always dated a lot of girls but that didn't bother me
either, even though I knew -- when I bothered to consider it --
that he was having sex with some of them as well. But that day
just after my birthday, David came home from school with an
announcement. He was going to a local college and he'd gotten
involved with this girl in one of his classes ... and the
announcement was that he was in love with her and he had proposed
to her and she had accepted. He was so happy about it, and our
folks seemed happy, and they expected me to be happy, too. But I
was kind of in shock. It took me a little while to realize that
David would be moving out of the house, away from me, to be with
another woman all the time. It meant we probably wouldn't have
sex anymore, or only once in a while at best.

Doctor, I went straight from shock to panic. I had to stop it all
from happening but I thought about it for two weeks and I
couldn't come up with a feasible solution. I had managed not to
be home the two or three times David had brought this new girl
over to the house. I just couldn't deal with having to meet her
face-to-face.

Then there came an evening when I returned home from a
girlfriend's house and found my brother alone with this girl he
liked so much. My girlfriend lived nearby so I had walked and no
one had heard me come in the back door. I heard strange but
familiar sounds in the living room and stuck my head around the
corner to see what it was. David and the girl were fucking on the
big corduroy couch.

I knew intellectually what they'd been doing... but actually
seeing it was completely different. They both were naked and they
both seemed to have their eyes closed, so they didn't know I was
there, but I could see everything, Doctor. I could see my
brother's cock moving in and out of her like a piston.
She had one leg up on the back of the couch and the other
sprawled on the floor and her arms were flung up over her heard
and her breasts were jiggling and she was making little sort of
mewing noises--

Yes, I know -- I'm doing it again, aren't I? But he was the one
who had started it all and here he was, betraying me in our own
living room! And that's why I did it. I know you think I hated my
brother, Doctor, but I didn't really. I hated that girl for
coming between us.

That's why, when they were finished and David collapsed on top of
her and then kissed her, I was shaking so hard I had to go back
to the kitchen. I was just pacing back and forth, trying not to
think about what I'd seen, trying to think of some way to stop it
before it was too late... and the best thing I could think of,
Doctor, was that if David had never met that girl, he wouldn't be
leaving me. Next best was if the girl left *him*, now, quickly.
Third was if I made her leave.

My mother was a good cook, Doctor, and she believed in keeping
pots clean and knives sharp. In the rack on the counter was a
boning knife that had always fascinated me. It was long-bladed
and narrow and it seemed more like a weapon than anything else I
could find, even the big cleaver.

I took the boning knife back to the doorway and looked around the
corner again. The girl was still sprawled across the couch with
her legs wide apart and her arms folded behind her head. I could
almost smell her aroma. My brother was sitting beside her on the
couch, talking quietly and stroking her thigh, and she was
smiling at him.

Then he got up and headed down the hall toward the bathroom,
still naked. She turned her head to one side -- the side facing
away from me -- and closed her eyes. She was still smiling.
I moved quietly along the living room wall until I was standing
right beside the arm of the couch. The girl never heard a sound
until I cleared my throat and then her eyes snapped open. She
stared back at me upside-down with her mouth open and I stared
down at her breasts. They were a lot bigger than mine; maybe that
was why David like her better.

Keeping my voice as steady as I could, I said "You have to leave.
He's my brother and he's staying here with me. Go away."

She didn't move for a second, out of startlement, I suppose. Then
she blinked and said "Who the fuck are you?!" And suddenly she
closed her legs and drew her knees up and got a panicky look in
her eyes.

"David...?!" Her voice was going up the scale and rising in
volume. I heard the toilet flush in the background and I knew I
had no choice. There was no more time.

She still had her head back, looking up at me, as I raised the
boning knife from my side and drove it down into her left eye.
It was pretty messy, actually. The whatchamacallit-fluid in her
eye squirted out with a big gush of blood behind it and then the
knife scraped against the bone around her eye.

She got out a half-shriek and jerked once before she lay still.
From the length of the knife still protruding,
I thought probably four or five inches of the blade had gone
straight into her brain, so it must have been relatively
painless. And when I wrenched the knife loose, bits of brain and
stuff came with it, and more blood.

Why do you look so uncomfortable, Doctor? Isn't this what you'd
call a "clinical" description? I'm just trying to be factual, you
see.

Well, my brother ran back into the room -- I guess he'd heard
that sound she'd made -- and he nearly ran into the coffee table
when he saw his ex-girlfriend. Everything had worked out so well,
I couldn't help smiling. And I said "You don't have to leave now,
David. I've taken care of it for you."

But her looked at the girl and then he stared at me, and,... God,
he was so pale and his eyes were so huge.

And I knew at that moment, with perfect clarity, that he was
going to leave anyway, Doctor. I'd done what had to be done, I'd
removed the barrier between us, but he didn't seem to appreciate
that. He was going to desert me no matter what I did.

I'm afraid I lost control of myself a little bit, Doctor -- but I
was justifiably angry so I don't think it was entirely my fault.
He didn't take his eyes off me as I stepped over to him, raised
the boning knife again, and brought it down where his neck joined
his shoulder.

I didn't actually aim for that spot but the blade slid all the
way down behind his clavicle until only the handle showed. My
brother fell to his knees and whispered "No..." and then toppled
over sideways.

"That's right," I replied. "You're staying here. I knew you would
all along." He did, too, Doctor. He didn't go anyplace, not ever
again.

I guess our parents got home later that night. I don't remember
much about it, except that I was sitting naked on the hassock in
the study where it all began.I was waiting for David to come and
tie me down, like he did that first time. I was sure he'd come,
now that the girl was gone, but he never did. Only some police
and people like that. And that's about all I remember, Doctor,
until I came here. I've been here a long time now, and it's
pretty dull, and I really don't think it's fair. My brother is
out there waiting for me; I'm sure he is. Why won't you just let
us be together, Doctor?

Doctor...?