Celestial Reviews 346 – November 17, 1999
Note: An old cowboy, dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs,
and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a
young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you
a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch
TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple
sat down next to him, and the woman asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."
Second note: Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Little Red Riding Hood," he said,
"I'm going to throw you on the ground, tear off all your clothes, and rape
you!"
Little Red Riding Hood considered this, then removed a pistol from her picnic
basket and pointed it at the wolf levelly. "Oh no, you're not," she said.
"You're going to eat me, just like the story says."
Third note: I'd like to express my appreciation to TechGuy, who helps me by
finding the links to the stories.
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Longboat Key - A Weekend Sail" by Captain Steve and Linda (swinging) 8, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=536304139
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=536307282
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=536309452
"Tivoli" by Jennifer Doalfer (exhibitionism & dream gangbang) 7, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=537544774
"A Slow Blow" by Stormi (oral sex) 10, 8, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=520829807
"Muse" by Delta (bondage) 10, 10, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=522869016
"Three Days" by d137 (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=548624812
"In the Dark" by Monocle (hot sex in the dark) 9.5, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510881832
"Totally Unreal Girls " by Jimmy Hat (virtual sex) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514356882
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514356890
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514356886
"Séance" by Wiseguy (Halloween sex) 10, 8, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=542831748
"Peeping Jane" by Kristen Kathleen Becker (voyeurism) 10, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546960518
"Tricks on All Hallows Eve" by Virago Blue (Halloween sex) 10, 8, 8
"Animal Attraction" by MichaelD38 (cheap and tawdry sex) 10, 10, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546770915
"Only Way Out" by Maria Gonzales (battered wife) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546825691
"The Third Counter" by Tiramisu (bdsm) 10, 9, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546861032
"The Cauldron Bubbles" by Lord Malinov (Halloween sex) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546861030
"Cock the Hammer" by LeAnna (sexual suicide) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546798767
"Why I Like Bad Girls: An Essay" by Richard Bissell (essay) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546798763
"Block of Ideas" by BlueWords (writer's block) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=547051018
Religious girl gets it (first-time) 9, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546622362
"Fan Mail" by Wiseguy (hypnosis & eroticism) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493150
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493205
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493223
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493236
"Jerome's Splendid" by Sidney (splendid sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=425126789
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Witchcraft" by John A (fantasy train). Homer: 10, 10, 10
http://x35.deja.com/[ST_rn=md]/getdoc.xp?AN=546813598&CONTEXT=942346490.405995
584&hitnum=0
"BD's Harem" by Lisa and Sharon (menage a trois). BillyG: 10, 10, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546898070
"Aftermath" by Pami (bdsm): Myers: NR
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546916273
"December Bride" by Shon Richards (creative sex) 9, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546842854
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "Quarters" by Wiseguy (orgy) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504552813
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504557983
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Longboat Key – A Weekend Sail" by Captain Steve and Linda.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=536304139
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=536307282
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=536309452
Swinging is a fairly mundane theme on this newsgroup; and so a story that
describes swinging has to have something to spice it up. In this story there
are two "somethings": the sailing off the coast of Florida and the notion
that the guy essentially acts as a sex therapist to bring the Ice Queen to
life.
I don't sail, and I didn't find that the sailing aspects had much impact on
the story. Most of the good stuff takes place in hotel rooms anyway. The
couples engage in twosomes with their partners switched. The only foursome
activity is a little ogling and fantasizing.
The author writes with a good sense of humor that could have made this into a
better story, but the value of the humor is negated by a lack of organization
that sometimes left me wondering what was happening.
Ratings for "Longboat Key"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Tivoli" by Jennifer Doalfer (doalfer@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=537544774
I presume Tivoli (which is also spelled Tivoly in this story) is some sort of
amusement park in Denmark. In this story Jennifer and Poul make out like
exhibitionists in the love tunnel at the amusement park and then retire to
their apartment to continue the festivities. Jennifer has a weird dream
sequence in which she imagines herself being gangbanged by teenagers while
her husband watches.
I found the story to be interesting, but a bit incoherent.
Ratings for "Tivoli"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"A Slow Blow" by Stormi (posted by Lambchop <pcd10@my-deja.com>).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=520829807
This is an extremely detailed description of a blowjob. The narrator is a
woman who thoroughly enjoys oral sex. She takes delight in it because she
loves the power it allows her to wield over her male.
Although the story was detailed and grammatically flawless, I was left with
an empty feeling at the end of the story. I usually like well written stories
about oral sex, but this one left me flat. I really can't explain it. I guess
the sex was a little too mechanical. Or maybe it was that the narrator
bragged a little too much about how good she was. Or maybe it was written by
a guy pretending to be a woman, and he somehow failed to make the connection.
Anyway, the story is well written, and someone else may like it more than I
did.
Ratings for "A Slow Blow"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Muse" by Delta (Delta@nym.alias.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=522869016
I have been getting a little behind in my reviews lately. If that were a pun,
it would be good news; but what I mean to say is that I have an incredible
backlog of stories. Even that's not entirely awful, because what it means is
that I have so many good stories in my inbox that I am almost guaranteed a
good one every time I pull up an old, neglected story.
I somehow found or received this story back in early September. There it sat
until the middle of November. Finally, my muse moved me.
Like many of Delta's stories, this one is difficult to describe without
either becoming extremely complex or ruining the story. In fact, you won't
know what the story is really about until you reach the end, and it would be
a violation of my Hypocritical Oath for me to reveal an ending.
Basically, this is a story about a woman who has been talked into bondage
without a safe word, and she has begun to doubt whether that was a wise
decision. Heck, I KNOW it wasn't a wise decision, but I know there are lots
of readers who read bondage stories differently than I do. This wasn't my
favorite Delta story, but you bdsm fans will certainly want to check this one
out. At the very least you'll understand why the title is "Muse."
Ratings for "Muse"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Three Days" by d137 (d137@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=548624812
The narrator has gone camping with her husband. While he fishes, she goes
exploring. While she is wandering through the woods, she comes across a well
built man walking and exercising naked near a lake. I thought the description
of the guy on the first day was enough to make this story memorable. But
there's more.
The man comes across as a wild man. By that I mean you get the impression
that he doesn't hang around the pubs, debate in parliament, or watch TV very
often. His conversations consist of single words. His sexual activity is
direct and effective. Let's just say that the woman found him to be an
interesting contrast to her husband, who barely noticed her and rambled on
about his fishing expeditions.
I found this to be an unusual but excellent story.
Ratings for "Three Days"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"In the Dark" by Monocle (hot sex in the dark) 9.5, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510881832
Sandra has been under-appreciated by David, the bozo with whom she has been
living. She caught David cheating, and he made light of it. Now she has gone
out to even the score. She gets a grip on herself, and goes into a small
bathroom at the club to fix her makeup. A stranger catches her there in the
dark and teaches her what it's like to be appreciated as a real woman.
There has been a discussion on a.s.s.d. recently about rape fantasies. This
story is an example of a rape fantasy that almost all women have had. Of
course, if all rapes were conducted by benevolent strangers hell-bent on
enriching the lives of their victims, they wouldn't be called rapes at all.
Anyway, this was a hot and delicious story. The only minor problem was that
it was proofread by spellcheck, and so there remain some errors that are
typically unnoticed by spellcheck programs.
Ratings for "Three Days"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Totally Unreal Girls " by Jimmy Hat (jimmy@jimmy-hat.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514356882
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514356890
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514356886
This story demonstrates that variety is the spice of virtual life.
FBI Agents Maytag and Stanton are investigating a break-in at the offices of
Totally Real Industries, a company that makes dolls that surpass in quality
and satisfaction the ordinary blow-up dolls that are so popular among
American politicians. Although the story theoretically focuses on this crime,
the real focus is on the design of the dolls and how well work. Indeed, we
learn a lot about artificial orifices.
The two high points of the story are Maytag's workout with the Totally Unreal
Doll (a robotic demoness that sticks her tail up his ass at the moment of
climax) and the scenario during which the boss of the company gets a blowjob
from his assistant under his disk while a disgruntled former employee holds a
gun on him.
I think this is based on X-Files, a TV show that I never watch. In spite of
my unfamiliarity with that show, I still found this story to be very
interesting. X-File aficionados might find it even more entertaining.
Ratings for "Totally Unreal Girls "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Séance" by Wiseguy (wiseguy35@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=542831748
This is a sequel to a story called "Quarters." The review of that story is
posted at the end of this issue of CR.
What we have here is a story in which some people hold a séance to call forth
some dead lovers who were separated by warfare. The séance works, and the
dead lovers come back and make love through the bodies of the participants.
{As an aside – you may not believe this, but Microsoft Works lists "seminar"
as a synonym of "séance." Now we know why Bill Gates has become so wealthy.}
As I was reading this story, I wondered why the hypnosis was necessary. The
rationale became obvious at the end, but the connection seemed a little
forced.
A further problem was that during the story the participants kept saying that
the sexual experience was extremely intense. They say this both while the sex
is happening and when they talk about it afterwards. But while it's
happening, the action is simply not all that intense.
Ratings for "Séance"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Peeping Jane" by Kristen Kathleen Becker (WWW1@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546960518
Six months ago Jane came across her friend's brother, while he was dancing
naked to the sound of heavy metal music in front of the mirror in his
bedroom. Rob was good at his work, and Jane was impressed. Heck, Rob's geyser
shot a 12-inch-high arc.
Now she has made a habit of spying on Rob.
That's it.
Ratings for "Peeping Jane"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Tricks on All Hallows Eve" by Virago Blue (mdmvirago@aol.comestible).
Here we have a story about that popular teenage custom of ritualistically
deflowering a virgin on All Hallows Eve. I found it hard to understand the
feelings and motivations of most of the characters. In addition, some of the
actions were confusing. I think some of this confusion was deliberate – it
conveyed the impression that Sara was befuddled by what was happening to her.
On the other hand, some of the confusion was accidental, and this detracted
from the story.
Ratings for "Tricks on All Hallows Eve"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Cock the Hammer" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546798767
This is a very intense story about sex and emotions. The woman has been using
drugs and has been betrayed by her lesbian lover. She reminisces about her
past while she masturbates with the gun with which she plans to kill herself.
It's very difficult to summarize a story that depends so much on the emotions
it conveys. Suffice it to say that this is an excellent story – but probably
not one you want to read to top off a romantic evening.
Ratings for "Cock the Hammer"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Animal Attraction" by MichaelD38 (MichaelD38@aol.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546770915
This story describes two people having cheap and tawdry sex on a college
campus. They might as well face it, they're addicted to love. But it's not
love; it's a cheap and tawdry addiction.
This isn't the sort of thing most of us would like to spend a lot of time
doing, but it really is interesting in its cheap and tawdry way.
Ratings for "Animal Attraction"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Only Way Out" by Maria Gonzales (Maria1971@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546825691
The narrator is a battered wife who feels that the only way out is to have
someone kill her husband for her. She finds a guy who will do the deed in
return for one night with her. There's a surprise twist at the end, but the
main feature of this story is its attempt to convey the emotions the wife
feels. Although this story is not one you would read to find a sexual high,
it does a good job of portraying the woman's feelings.
Ratings for "Only Way Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Third Counter" by Tiramisu (Tiramixu@yahoo.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546861032
Michael missed the 6:00 plane and failed to call to cancel. The ticket agent,
a lovely lass named Gwen who reminds Michael of Sister Mary Grace, instructs
him that he must stay over till the next morning. Furthermore, she says that
she will punish him. This news gives him a hard-on, and so he reserves a room
at the local hotel.
She gives him the ole femdom treatment. Call me Ms. Huber. Don't touch me
unless you get permission. Marvel patiently from a distance while the
mistress tantalizes you mercilessly. Let the mistress torment your nipples
with her fingernails. Most importantly, never have an orgasm until you get
permission to do so. Say please when you ask the mistress to beat you. Become
a good slave, if the mistress is in the market for a slave. That sort of
thing. Michael loves it. Michael's Peter Meter rises and falls with his
moods, and it stays at a generally high level throughout his punishment.
Classical mistresses are very businesslike and are dedicated to their cause
of procuring pleasure for themselves while improving the moral fiber of the
man who is being trained. Ms. Huber carries out her responsibilities with
gusto – a joi de vivre that makes Michael quite happy. He has considerable
trouble remembering to call Gwen Ms. Huber, but other than that he does quite
well.
There's a surprise twist at the end. I'm not going to tell you what it is –
even if you call me Ms. Celeste.
Ratings for "The Third Counter"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Cauldron Bubbles" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546861030
This is a story that one should read when one is in the mood for Halloween.
It presents a series of images from a sort of mini-sex orgy from the
perspective of a bubbling cauldron. It's really not much of a story. Just
some nice snippets to supply ambience for the bewitching season.
Ratings for "The Cauldron Bubbles"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Why I Like Bad Girls: An Essay" by Richard Bissell (r_bissell41@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546798763
Most sex maniacs and perverts dislike reading essays. This is because they
think that essays require too much thinking, but this is a mistake. Essays
often contain good stories. Indeed, stories often contain good essays. Take
any Dragnet episode, for example: they ran that series for years with two
actors who did little more than read an essay to each other as part of a
dialogue. Danielle Steele and Dean Koontz tend to do the same thing in their
novels – just find a good essay, and throw in some dialogue and a little sex
and maybe a dog or an alien or two.
Richard Bissell does the opposite. He puts a story into this essay. Some of
the best writers on this newsgroup (e.g., moi and M1ke Hunt) do this from
time to time; but I have to admit this one is really good.
As the essay explains, Bad Girls are females who have pierced nipples, tongue
studs, and sex in coat closets. The also give the odd blowjob in a moving
autobus. I figured if I used the word "autobus," you'd know the word "odd"
should be understood in the British sense of "occasional." Odd blowjob, indeed
.
Ratings for "Why I Like Bad Girls:
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Block of Ideas" by BlueWords (bluewords@yahoo.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=547051018
The narrator is that sexiest of all American males – the husband who takes
time off from writing his dirty stories to play non-sexually with his
daughter and to help out in the kitchen. Even when the little girl asks her
daddy for a pickle, what do you suppose he does? He tells her no, because
it's too close to dinnertime. That's the kind of unconventional story this is.
This story had my pussy wet before I even got to the more stereotypically
good parts. Actually, there were no stereotypically good parts. I think
that's because the narrator had writer's block, which is not very sexy at
all. Believe me. I know. From firsthand experience. No pun intended.
Some sex stories contain innuendoes. In this case, the entire story is an
innuendo.
I really can't give perfect scores to a story that contains literally no sex.
But I really enjoyed this story.
Ratings for "Block of Ideas":
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Religious Girl Gets It" by Walter (wadler7@attglobal.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546622362
Most of the stories on this newsgroup that depict "religious girls" are about
Catholic schoolgirls and nuns – and more rarely the odd Jehovah's witness.
This one is about a very orthodox Jewish girl who learns to be a bit less
kosher.
My understanding is that it's safe to make fun of the Jehovah's Witnesses
(and perhaps the Amish) on the Internet, because it's extremely unlikely that
any of them will ever see the insults. If a tree falls in a forest and nobody
hears it, does it make any noise. I think the same principle applies to some
religious groups on the Internet and late night talk shows. So maybe no one
will be offended by this story.
In addition, the Witnesses are more likely to be concerned about saving you
from eternal damnation. To be honest, I don't know how there's ever a second
generation of JWs, since they spend all their time making asses of themselves
by going from door to door preaching against creationism and explaining how
the world is going to end within a day or so. But when you think about it,
their emphasis makes some sense. After all, eternal damnation seems to be a
little more important than masturbation, which is where Catholics seem to be
getting off lately.
Anyway, Malka is from a deeply religious family – assuming that people who
wear funny clothes and follow primitive rules and look askance at anyone who
differs from them are "deeply religious." Her cousin Shlomo comes to visit.
He is not religious – just nice. After they talk for a while, George (which
is Shlomo's non-religious name) does what most non-religious people would do:
he asks Malka if she would like to watch him undress. So Shlomo (I like that
name better than George, who invariably reminds me of an inquisitive monkey)
goes away for a while and Malka goes into the bathroom and learns to
masturbate. Then Shlomo comes back. Since his car needs repairs and he'll be
stranded with the religious family for three days, Shlomo shows Malka how he
can pee standing up.
Now, just because Shlomo is not a rocket scientist, that doesn't mean he is
bright. I'd suggest what part of the country he comes from, but lots of
rednecks read this newsgroup, and they are a helluva lot more likely to get
pissed off than the Amish or conservative Hebrews. So let's just say that his
hundred-word lecture on the facts of life wouldn't pass muster in most public
schools. Anyway, Shlomo George offers to have sex with Malka, and she agrees.
This is where it gets really confusing. The guy's cock is a 9-inch bazooka.
This would seem to suggest that Shlomo is of an ethnic background more famous
for monster cocks. Go figure.
Anyway, Malka and Shlmo fuck for a few days. Then he leaves and she never
sees him again. When she turns 18 she tells her deeply religious family that
she wants to get a life, and they throw her out of the house. Eventually, she
changes her name to Melissa.
I don't know what it is. These deeply theological stories sometimes confuse
me.
Ratings for "Religious Girl Gets It"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Fan Mail" by Wiseguy (wiseguy35@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493150
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493205
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493223
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=532493236
There are several reasons why I like this story. For one thing, it applies my
Blowjob Principle to its ultimate degree. When the woman likes one of the
narrator's stories, not only does she drop him an email message to tell him
so; she also offers to help him in any way she can. There is no leering
innuendo at this point – just an offer to help out. Later, she finds a much
more interesting way to help out. So remember the Blowjob Principle: If you
like a story and want to maximize the chances that you'll see another, make
sure you find a way to make the author feel glad he/she wrote the first story.
Another thing I especially liked about this story was the way it handled the
whole topic of hypnosis. Too often hypnosis stories are the fantasies of
college students, who seriously expect us to believe that a person who reads
the chapter on Hypnosis in the sophomore psych book can easily and
effectively get sex partners to comply with almost anything. It just ain't
so, Joe. The present story is a long one, mostly because it builds a
reasonable context in which the final hypnosis eventually occurs. The amount
of detail is so great that the story almost (but not quite) reads like a "How
to" manual – "Erotic Hypnosis for Dummies," perhaps. I say almost, because
the author doesn't attempt to give instructions – just some valid insights
regarding what really might be possible with hypnosis and where you would
look for that kind of information.
Another strength of the story is that the author makes effective use of
cross-references to his other stories – especially to his "Intimate
Adventures," which I reviewed very favorably in CR 339.
The final specific strength of this story is that it examines some legitimate
problems that might arise when people attempt to integrate hypnosis into
their love lives. For example, the narrator experiences some interesting
conflicts between libido and conscience while he is "seduced into cheating"
under hypnosis.
The main "flaw" with this story was that it spent a lot of time on a good
story and relatively little on good sex. The sexual action was good, but it
comprised only a small part of the story. Personally, I didn't really find
that to be a "flaw." I strongly recommend this story.
Ratings for "Fan Mail"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Jerome's Splendid" by Sidney Durham (sidney_durham@my-dejanews.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=425126789
Someone sent me this story way back at the beginning of the year, when I was
just barely recovering from the computer crash that sent me on hiatus. I
didn't have time to read the story then, but I did have the good sense to
keep the story in my in-basket. I finally got around to reading it, and this
story alone provides justification for reading old stories in my in-basket.
Simply put, "Jerome's Splendid" is splendid. Magnificent. Extraordinary.
Exceptional. Choose your word.
If you are an adult human being and have not read "Huckleberry Finn" for the
first time, you're lucky. You have a good novel waiting for you. If you
haven't read this story, you're lucky. It's one of the most creative stories
I have read in months.
Jerome is the name of a person who died in the age of about 100 in 1987. As
the title suggests, his most notable characteristic was his splendid penis,
which was magnificent. Not only did it look nice, it also smelled nice and
tasted nice. In short, it was splendid.
But that's just the starting point. The author writes from the perspective of
a woman who used to meet with Jerome two or three times a week to discuss
literature and public affairs, often in the nude, so that she would have
ready access to his splendid appendage. In other words, it's difficult to
explain why this story is so good. I urge you to find it and read it. You
won't be sorry. It's splendid.
Ratings for "Jerome's Splendid"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Witchcraft" by John A (John3365A@aol.com). Reviewed by Homer Vargas
(vargas111@yahoo.com).
http://x35.deja.com/[ST_rn=md]/getdoc.xp?AN=546813598&CONTEXT=942346490.405995
584&hitnum=0
Well, I see that Allison, Maria, and Virago Blue are at it again, galivantin’
on the Fantasy Train with John A and Wigit this time. Plus ca change et plus
c'est la meme chose, eh? The gang was on the way to a wholesome Family
Values orgy being put on by Little Boots when that lousy leprechaun Louie scre
wed up and dumped then in Seventeenth Century Salem (the town, not the
cigarette, ugh!)
Well, the girls are arrested for witches (not wishes, silly, if we got
arrested for our wishes, all the guys on ASSD would be in the slammer for
rape, according to a recent thread) a clerical member is wanked, a comely
wench witch (try saying THAT three times) is shagged, Wijit is blown, and I
don’t know what Virago, Alison, Maria, and Tabatha were doing, but I know
that Miss Behavin’ is glad SHE wasn’t on this trip.
Maria had a little trouble with the words "stocks" and "socks."
>Which reminds me of something that happened to Maria
>when she first arrived and didn't speak much
>English. She went into a department store to buy
>some socks and a sales clerk offered to help. Maria
>smiled and gestured, yes.
>The clerk helpfully took her to the different
>sections pointing to the items she though Maria might
>be interested in. Daring miniskirts? Maria shook
>her head, no. Frilly, see-through blouses? No, not
>today. Black lace panties with matching bra?
>Tampoco. Kinky lace-up leather corsets? Maria kept
>shaking her head, no.
>At last, by accident, they walked by the sock
>department and Maria cried out excitedly, "Eso, sI
>que es!"
>"If you knew how to spell it, why didn't you tell
>me?" asked the exasperated sales clerk.
>[Es-o-cee-kay-es]
This reviewer was, however, shocked and disappointed at the repeated
reference to the bust sizes of three well-regarded authoresses better know
for their ASS … postings.
Amazingly, John A manages to squeeze in a wisecrack or two.
If you don’t believe me, read the story.
Athena 10 (since Celeste won’t let me knock off points for only putting one
space between sentences <sulk>)
Venus 35 (Man these babes were REALLY well developed. Huh? Oh "character"
development. Well, I don’t know a lot about their character. Virago fights
for the right and fucks for the left, that's cool. Maria seems pretty
remarkable, overcoming hardship and all. Allison, on the other hand,
marrying a lawyer – makes you wonder. Oh, hell) 10
Homer 10 (ignoring the crack about reviewers and giving John the benefit of
the doubt for having knocked up the comely wench witch)
"BD's Harem" by Lisa and Sharon (BYMSAP@aol.com). Guest Review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546898070
The title, "BD's Harem," effectively foreshadows a common fantasy for many
men -- having two women pleasure them. At the outset, the male protagonist's
nickname is explained in a delightful fashion. As well, the meeting between
BD and Samantha provides just enough substance to establish them as real
people. However, it's established that BD is cheating on a nameless and
faceless wife and that Samantha is largely indifferent to this potential
complication, for she's not looking for commitment. This little wrinkle,
this almost-tension, hung there for me like a shoe yet dropped. The
infidelity misease was not an issue and never developed or appeared again.
The non-issue left me wondering why it'd been introduced in the first place.
The initial seduction was totally implied but the real nidus of this story
unfolds in a rich and detailed manner. BD is offered a "special treat" for
his birthday, the specifics of which make the scene. Suffice it to say that
low-impact bondage, very erotic exhibitionism and finally, Samantha's sister
Susan combine for a very sultry and sexy menage.
"BD's Harem" is a lush depiction of carnal delight among two horny sisters
and one lucky birthday boy. The concluding sentence is a tease: " . . .
their performance continued the rest of the weekend through many natural and
unnatural acts!"
Of course, I want to know about the unnatural acts!
Ratings for "BD's Harem"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Aftermath" by Pami. Guest review by Dave Myers.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546916273
The "good girl/bad girl" phenomenon is so very strong in our culture. We go
to great lengths to get each other to view one another in just exactly the
kind of light we deem necessary to satisfy our need to be accepted.
That can mean sanitizing sex to be good enough, or trying to act bad in order
to be bad enough. The desire to sit on the fence and get our lovers to see us
as good girls/bad girls or good boys/bad boys at exactly the moment we want
them to is at the heart of so many relationships. It's tempting to say that
it's not far from the center of every sexual relationship.
And so it is nice to see a story which really intelligently attacks this
topic and gives it the treatment deserved.
Aftermath is a sequel to a very good story in it's own right. The plot is
that a woman has acted bad for her master, and sort of shocked herself with
how bad she was, and how good it was. But now, the reality is setting in
about just where her limits are, and she's decided she likes the bad girl
thing, but she'll just be not quite as bad as she was before. And that'll be
good. Got that?
No really, that's pretty much how it happens. Only the writing is so much
better than the writing in this review it's not funny. Make sure to read
"Auction", which is the pre-quel to this story. It's excellent in it's own
way, and a little "harder" for those that like it that way.
"December Bride" by Shon Richards (lordshon@aol.com). Review by Nick e-mail
nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=546842854
Most of my ASS reading comes from Celeste or from writers I've come to know
and love, but occasionally I'll strike out on my own and read a story which
is highly recommended. Taking the list of triple ten scorers from Celeste's
review of the GALAGO, I closed my eyes and picked one, but unfortunately
found it dreadfully boring. It may have been a cultural thing, or that maybe
the story was more of a 'woman's' story, or it may simply be that the things
that press my buttons don't press Celeste's, (or vice versa).
"December Bride," on the other hand, was a story I found delightful. One
person might read a story here about a mad woman who fucks her snowman
<shrug>. Another (me) will find a magical story full of life and imagination.
It is like a breath of fresh air to find lines like:
>"Jack Frost has his castle there, and all across the land, not a single snow
flake falls without his knowledge."
expressed as someone's reality, but in a way that will sweep you along with
it if you let it. I thoroughly enjoyed this, but I know that for some the
effort of suspending credibility will simply be too great.
I would happily give this three 10's but for this line:
>If Sally had owned a cat, she might have earned the reputation of being a
>witch, just out of peopople would have just thought she was kinky.
It is the only problem I found, but for heaven's sake proof-read your stuff
before it goes out in future, Shon!
My ratings are:
Athena (Technical) 9
Venus (Plot/Character) 10
Appeal to me 10
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "Quarters" by Wiseguy.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504552813
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504557983
Karen is holding a house-warming party for Susan, her roommate. Karen is also
a hypnotist. As part of the festivities they play a drinking game called
quarters. As another part of the festivities, they pair off and fuck their
partners' brains out.
When I put it that way, the plot sounds kind of lame. But when I was reading
it, it was pretty exciting. If I were you, I would read this story,
especially if you like the idea of people gradually losing their inhibitions
and getting turned on by what other people around them are doing.
Ratings for "Quarters"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
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