Celestial Reviews 341 – October 8, 1999 Note: A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife. Second note: Once upon a time, A king was searching for a husband for his Daughter, the princess. He finally selected three fine gentlemen. The princess liked them all. Since she could not decide among them, the king said, "I will choose for you, then." The king wanted to make sure he picked the perfect man for her. And in order to do that, he gave orders that she should have glitter put all over her vagina. Then the king gathered all of the three men in a room. He told them: All of you may have sex with my daughter. So the first man goes in, he comes out the next morning. The king says, "Pull down your pants." He does so, and he has glitter all over his legs and his penis. The king sends the next man in. The next morning He comes out. The king tells him, "Pull down your pants." The man pulls down his pants, revealing his legs and his penis covered in glitter. Then the king sends the third man in. He comes out the next morning. The king then gives the man the same instructions that he gave the other two men. He pulls down his pants revealing no glitter! The king is astonished! He says, "You, Sir, will marry my daughter!" The man smiles... and there is glitter all over his teeth. Third note: The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a condom. It's an emergency!" The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." Final note: It has come to my attention that a web organization, storyshack.com, has been reposting stories with all author credits and copyright notices removed, claiming the credit for themselves. As you know, the authors on these boards receive no compensation; they write and post their stories for the fun of it. However, recognition is one of the few perks these writers enjoy. If this is denied to the authors here, how long will the group be able to sustain its efforts? If you notice a story that has been stolen in this way, please notify the author. Most authors tend to do nothing, but if these pirate organizations are actually making any money, it would be possible for authors to take punitive action if they are willing to do so. ===================== Celestial Reviews Index: ===================== "The Longest Minute" by Uther Pendragon (sexual timing) 10, 9, 9 "Fever Dreams" by Artie (medicinal sex) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=527208954 "Janey's August" by Janey (exhibitionism & sex) 10, 9, 9 http://www.asstr.org/~Jane_Urquhart/August.html "Table For Three" by Rocky Mountain Girl (stroke story) 10, 7, 7 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530141782 "Boxing Day" by Wiseguy (sex slavery with role reversal) 10, 8, 7 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523107176 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523107203 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523107238 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523109166 "Bolivia" by The Mysterious Mr. Lee Organization (exotic and strange sex) 9, 7, 7 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526151346 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526154826 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526154834 "Centerfold" by Ann Douglas (older woman with younger man) 9.5, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530903219 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530903234 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530905316 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530906325 ===================== Guest Reviews: ===================== "To Catch a Child Killer" by "Leviticus" (BDSM Detective Thriller). Wherryman: 9, 9, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526140889 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=??????????? (Missing) http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526881289 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=527222093 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=527679598 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=528111901 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=528511022 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=528908686 "The Woman at Work" by Samantha (adulterous fling). Myers: http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=524451477 "Farm Earth" by Mat Twassel (sexy gardening). Nick: 10, 9, 9 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=525385014 "The Slack Night" by Kellis (Runyonesque sex). BillyG: 10, 10, 10 http://users.dhp.com/~kellis/SLN.htm "Investigative Journalism" by Downing Street (cliffhanging sex). May: 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=524862588 ===================== Here are the Reviews: ===================== "The Longest Minute" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Sometimes in order to get turned on the most at the end, you have to become turned off in the short run, but not so much as to reduce the likelihood that you will be rewarded at the end. Anyone who has sought the Holy Grail of simultaneous orgasm knows that this is true. For some reason I haven't been faced with this problem in a long time. That must mean that my husband and I are really good at it or maybe he just takes care of everything at his end or maybe we've discovered that the Holy Grail isn't as holy as we thought it was. That is, coming first and third might be as good as coming once simultaneously – and require less concerted effort. At any rate, when I used to be faced with this problem, I used to use Wheat Wafers or Rye Krisps or something like that. I forget the exact name, but it was a snack that was so insipid that it was impossible to get turned on even thinking about them. I suspect Bill Clinton used Paula Jones for this same purpose. Anyway, the guy in this story is going through some mental gymnastics to time his orgasm to concur with his lover's. You can read the story to get the details. It's not a long story, but it addresses an interesting problem – if you have that problem. Ratings for "The Longest Minute" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Fever Dreams" by Artie (artie@netgate.net). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=527208954 Our narrator is a schoolteacher who has acquired a non-sexually-transmitted virus from one of her children at school. That is, she has a really bad cold. Her one true love, Ted, helps out by massaging her feet. The problem is, this really turns him on. So the gist of this story is that the husband does nice things for his wife while she's sick, and she plans to do nice things for him when he eventually catches the germ from her. 'Tis a simple story, but a very nice one. It's hard to be romantic when your partner is socked with sweat from something other than what you are doing to her, but it's very nice when it happens. I really enjoyed this story. Ratings for "Fever Dreams" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Janey's August" by Janey (janey98@hotmail.com). http://www.asstr.org/~Jane_Urquhart/August.html After I finish this review, I will be missing only July, September, November, and December to have a complete set of "Janey's Year." As I approached this review, the previous Months had averaged 9.86, 9.86, 10. So I expected a creative, sexy story; and I got one. This story, like most of the works of Stephen King, takes place in Maine. That's where the similarity ends, but I thought Janey would enjoy being placed in a category with King, if only for just a few seconds. Actually, the story takes place in Boston, but really in Maine, because it's one of those story within a story things. Anyway, Janey pulls a hand trick on a stranger at a summer party at some rich people's house in Maine, and then goes to visit the guest house with the guest who has been feeling her breasts. Then she flashes the waiter and has hot sex with her husband back at their cottage. This is a good story. Not a carefully developed plot or anything like that, but some really hot tidbits related in a sexy manner. Ratings for "Janey's August" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Table For Three" by Rocky Mountain Girl (RkyMtGirl1@.aol.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530141782 Tammy has been taking notes at the faculty meeting. Only her notes have not been about the content of the meeting, but rather a diary focusing on her lust for Rick, the principal who is presiding at the meeting. When Rick accidentally finds the journal a few days later, Tammy is fucked. Or at least she soon will be. Meanwhile, back in the classroom, Tammy has been assigned a student teacher named Tracy. Tracy turns out to be not a sexy young lass, but rather a virile young man who evokes Tammy's lust. Keep in mind, of course, that a dead cat would probably evoke Tammy's lust. "It is going to be a pleasure to have you, Tracy," says Tammy prophetically. As is the custom in most school systems, the principal, the teacher, and the student teacher go out to dinner and have sex together to start off the school year. In this case, since Tracy happens to be Rick's brother and Rick has read in Tammy's diary that she has fantasized about a threesome with him and another man, they have a basic lesson plan to follow. Actually, they feel her up in the restaurant and then sort of rape her in the men's restroom; but this is not a problem, since she really wants it badly from both of them. The story is a bit stereotypical – blonde bimbo needs to be fucked; but unless you're one of those junkies for plot and character development, this should pass as a good stroke story. However, this story is a bit unrealistic. That is, most principals don't carry handcuffs with them, at least not this early in the school year. Ratings for "Table For Three" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Boxing Day" by Wiseguy (wiseguy35@hotmail.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523107176 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523107203 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523107238 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=523109166 Dan and Lucy are lovers in a relationship based on hypnotic domination. In public they are equals, but Dan has been trained to obey his Mistress for their mutual pleasure in their private time. They can do this because Lucy is an expert hypnotherapist. So on Christmas night Dan is serving his Mistress enthusiastically, but suddenly the clock strikes midnight, and she becomes HIS slave. This is because it has become Boxing Day. You see, in some countries, December 26th is known as Boxing Day. Traditionally people observe Boxing Day by trading places with someone of different status; for instance, the lord of the house might become butler for a day, while the butler enjoyed a day of leisure as the lord. It’s a fun little custom that helps people to appreciate how others live. In this case the sex slave becomes the Master. This has the effect of demonstrating to Dan the awesome responsibilities of being a good Master, and so he respects Lucy even more than he used to. Then he has lots of fun with her, and there's an interesting twist at the end. As I have often said, I am skeptical of hypnotic sex and sex slavery stories. In spite of my skepticism, however, this was an enjoyable story. However, it didn't quite pass the ultimate test of making me feel that the plot made intuitive sense. I think this story would be even more enjoyable to people who subscribe to the notion that Mistress/Master and slave relationships are something special. Ratings for "Boxing Day" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Bolivia" by The Mysterious Mr. Lee Organization (themrlee@hotmail.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526151346 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526154826 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526154834 This story describes how Rebecca Stevenson progressed from being a sheltered woman from Nebraska who knew nothing about the world beyond the myopic confines of her farm town and the university campus where she met her husband to become a hard-drinking, smoking, ass-fucking, cock-sucking, clit-licking whore. When I read that description, I figured this would therefore be a simplistic stroke story based on the premise that it is somehow good or at least interesting for a woman to divest herself of all sense of self respect in order to have as many cheap orgasms as possible. Shortly after Rebecca marries her professor-husband, they move to Bolivia for a temporary teaching and research assignment. While he goes about his work she receives special attention from her housekeeper, an Argentinean woman named Rosita, who specializes in lingerie and making women desirable to men. Soon she discovers that the place is a den of cocaine dealers, and the only way to be safe from them is to wear sexy underwear. Or at least that's what Rosita. When Rosita models some lingerie for Rebecca, they engage in some heavy petting, cuddling, and lovemaking. Then things get really strange. The atmosphere becomes erotically surreal or surrealistically erotic. I won't try to summarize the events. In fact, I don't think the reader is supposed to be sure what's happening. However, I'm pretty sure it involves sex. I assume this is why the descriptors in the title line include "strangeness." Ratings for "Bolivia" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Centerfold" by Ann Douglas (ann_douglas@hotmail.com), http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530903219 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530903234 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530905316 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=530906325 Ann certainly does spin a nice tail, and her specialty is the deflowering of innocent people. In this case the neighbor's husband has died a little while ago, and the young boy has come over to help clean up. He finds a picture of her from her previous life as a centerfold, and this arouses him. She returns and finds him in his state of arousal, gives him a blowjob, and invites him upstairs. Another way to describe Ann's writing is that she combines good sex with good stories – stroke stories that are really stories – interesting stories that supply good strokes. This story is no exception. I think this is one of Ann's better stories. But then I can scarcely remember finishing one of Ann's stories without that same feeling. This one even comes with an interesting twist at the end – as will many guys when they read this story <wink>. Ratings for "Centerfold" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 ===================== Guest Reviews: ===================== "To Catch a Child Killer" by "Leviticus" (leviticus@fargocity.com). Guest review by Wherryman <wherryman@quihye.demon.co.uk> http://www.dajungle.com/stories/leviticus http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526140889 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=??????????? (Missing) http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=526881289 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=527222093 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=527679598 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=528111901 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=528511022 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=528908686 Now that the 8th and final part has been posted *you* can, should, read all of this very good story. The title may squick you a bit and BDSM may not be your cup of tea but you'll not be doing yourself a favour if you stop there; you'll be missing an excellent thriller cum detective story. (pun intentional) The BDSM is mild, sex content low but both are well done. In fact to put your mind at rest let me quote the author: 'While I do talk about the crimes from a Law Enforcement point of view, at no time during this story will I EVER write a "play by play" version of the crimes." There, now you've got no excuse. You can read how Special Agent Rhianna Summer of the FBI goes undercover to investigate a series of child murders. She enters a world apart from the normal city life outside; a place of subservience - to someone who may be a killer.... Technical: some minor errors, not enough to spoil the story; Plot and character: good - but odd loose end (what 'special training'?) Appeal to reviewer: High - or I wouldn't be writing this. Ratings for "To Catch a Child Killer" Technical quality: 9 Plot & character: 9 Appeal to reviewer: 10 "The Woman at Work" by Samantha (storygirl@bigfoot.com). Guest review by Dave Myers. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=524451477 This is a well-fleshed out story of an adulterous fling. Not much is made of the adultery part, and not a whole lot is made of the non-physical connection between our pair of cheating hearts. Basically, we've got a hot woman at work, the cat's away so the mice will play, then a little naughty nookie in styles the wife probably wouldn't approve of, and that's all folks. Story over. Well, ok, it's not that bad. The action is told very well, in fact. But there are a couple of stumbling blocks in the way of making this piece into something a bit better. First of all, our woman from the workplace hardly speaks at all. I mean, if all we need is a different face, and a hot fuck, then I guess there isn't anything wrong with that, but our author isn't big on chit chat. Moreover, the man described in the story seems so hell-bent on getting away with some kind of affair while his wife is away, I get the feeling that there isn't a lot of tension in his mind over the topic. The whole thing just lines up perfectly without any kind of mention of pesky details that might making this coupling a little trickier. I'm not saying that this would be a good idea for the story. I know it's supposed to be a fantasy of what they guy COULD do if he was so inclined... but without some conversational gestures between the lovers, it's too unbelievable that they were both thinking the same thing all along, and are so ready to go at it. There is no element of seduction at all, and that's the part that's the shame. And it makes the sex less consistent, believe it or not. These lovers act like they've been together for a long time. They act like they know each other's bodies TOO well for this to be such a novel thing. There is no unsureness, little exploration of the newness which is the prime reason that people go ahead with these kinds of things anyway. After a while, I'm rewriting the story in my head to be more consistent with the fact that these coworkers can know each other's moves so well, making them husband and wife -- playing out a roleplay in which they are adulterous coworkers on the hustle from their spouses. Oh well, I guess I'm just prone to flights of fancy. Ahem. So, if you're looking for a stroker with some well-told anal play, this is a pretty good choice. For anything more than that, keep looking. On another note... this story appears to have come from a pay site. I am finding that more and more, the quality of the stories on ass surpasses the quality you will find on for-profit sites. I'd be interested in seeing this forum used to review some of those sites in general to see what others are saying or thinking about the quality of the stories that can be found out there in the ether. It is not clear what such a reviewing project/survey might find. "Farm Earth" by Mat Twassel (e-mail mmtwassel@aol.com). Review by Nick (e-mail nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=525385014 Man stands at the window dressed only in his running shorts watching his next door neighbour plant bulbs. Wife comes in and "plants" his bulbs. At some point he has a massive orgasm which stains the window, and his cry alerts the neighbour. Here my "reality check" programming swings in and I realise that if it was me she would call the police! No matter, it isn't me, it's Mat and he'll be far better looking than me, so perhaps she doesn't. It's nice to read a well-written story once in a while where the interplay of real characters is delicately drawn. I have often found gardening sexy - or more specifically watching it, especially when done by a handsome young woman. Here in the UK there is a TV program called "Ground Force" about how people's gardens are transformed by a team of professionals, and it's main appeal to me is that one of these 'professionals' is just such a woman. Also my dear wife (another keen gardener) has often commented about how getting close to the earth makes her feel! This story demonstrates this linkage well, right down to what his wife does with her thumb! My ratings for this are: Athena (Technical) 10 Venus (plot/character) 9 Appeal 9 "The Slack Night" by Kellis (kellis@dhp.com} Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com) http://users.dhp.com/~kellis/SLN.htm "The Slack Night" is a rollicking bawdy house tale that's rich in realistic dialog and Runyonesque characters . . . such as the dog catcher and the haberdasher and the sign painter. One of the working girls - Helena - is derisive of a 'trip around the world,' even a 'sandwich,' but challenges her potential customers to a 'top over.' Helena explains that this is three at once and dismisses the anticipated configuration - one in each orifice. In fact, she wagers she can take all three in her bottom - two in her cunt and the third in her ass. Working girls such as Helena don't usually make poor bets, and she doesn't. Concomitantly, the madam, Madam Rosa, offers to settle a wager - who has the larger cock - the deputy sheriff or the sailor. Madam Rosa maintains she has a built-in, very sensitive, relative measuring gauge in her rectum and despite her policy against ass fucking, agrees to settle the wager in this manner. Add to these scenarios, a couple of unexpected twists, and this story gains in delight. For those who enjoy good dialog, this story by Kellis just shines. Ratings for "A Slack Night" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 BillyG (appeal to reviewer):10 "Investigative Journalism" by Downing Street (dowstreet@yahoo.com). Guest Review by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=524862588 Aimee is a hard-ass journalist. She's just dug out some dirt on City Hall and the Mayor. Her boss asks her to investigate Dr Morton Melrose, who claims to be the best thing for curing all manner of things. Off goes Aimee to battle and finds, chez le medecin, that things are not - or may not be - what they seem. She thinks him a quack, even a charlatan; but is he? We don't really get to know, but that's because this is part 1, with a "continued" at the end, quite like an excellent television serial that builds you up and then leaves you - till next week. Perhaps that's for the best. It certainly lends suspense, leaves the reader in a state of eager anticipation and, as a post to the newsgroups, is probably of the perfect length: enough to keep you hooked, not too much to make you wish it was shorter by a third. It's extremely well-written, with sharp dialogue, an intriguing plot and, in this part, no sex really (just Aimee having a go at herself) but with a tantalising hint of more to come. Downing Street writes with authority, confidence and panache. The characters are vivid, full-blown: we meet Aimee's boss, Mr Hooper, very briefly in the opening paragraphs, yet the picture of him is complete. Street is sure of his subject, the environment and where he's going. As a bonus, he has a zany sense of humor (Dr M treating Mrs Humpwell?!?!). If this is appetizer, I can't wait for the entrée. Athena (Technical Quality) : 10 Venus (Plot & Character) : 10 Mary (Appeal to reviewer) : 10 <end>