Celestial Reviews 337 - August 22, 1999

Note: I started to review a story the other day, and when I reached the end of
the file, I found a notice stating, "To see the rest of the story, go to...." The
author may think this is an acceptable practice, but I don't think so. I will
not knowingly review stories that adopt this practice.

Second note: Currently, Techguy gets me the DejaNews address for all the
stories I review.  Recently somebody told me that DejaNews is starting to go
back and take the old archived stuff OFFLINE. Sometime soon they plan to start
keeping only two years of backlog.

The concern is that some of the older stories that have not been reposted
recently will wind up being lost to the void. A related problem is that the
older issues of CR will disappear from DejaNews.

A massive, but useful project would be to start now, and try to recover any
older items in danger of being lost in this manner. The point is that maybe
somebody ought to take precautions to keep us from getting burned in this
process.

I am willing to cooperate in any reasonable manner, but I am not able to do a
lot of extra work. If we take simple precautions, maybe nobody will have to do
that much extra work, but I don't know what these precautions are. I am a
reviewer; some of you are much better computer users and archivists.

I am open to suggestions. Techguy is willing and competent, and if I ask him to
give me Links to somewhere other than DejaNews, I suspect he can do this.

Third note: Somebody sent me this list of types of penises:

The Absolut Vodka penis:  It's absolut' perfection.
The Alkaseltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz... Oh, what a relief it is...
The All-State penis: You're in good hands.
The American Express penis: Don't leave home without it.
The Andrex Penis: Soft, Strong, and very very long
The AOL penis: It's so easy to use, no wonder it's #1?
The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.
The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.

The Barq's penis: the one with bite.
The beef penis: it's what's for dinner.
The Bud Lite penis: great taste, less filling.
The Barney penis:  It says "I love you!"
The Beatles penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Beavis penis: Look! it's changing color!
The Beef penis: It's what's for dinner.
The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead flick my bic!
The Big Red penis: It's longer with big red.
The Borden penis: It's GOT to be good.
The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Budweiser penis: This bud's for you!
The Burger King penis: Have it your way..
The Burger King penis:  It takes two hands to handle a whopper.

The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...
The California Lotto penis: Who's next?
The Calloway Putter penis:  It will improve your stroke.
The Cambells soup penis: Mmm mmm good!
The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
The Champion penis: The official penis of the '96 U.S.A olympic team.
The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.
The Charmin penis: Don't squeeze the penis!
The Chevy penis: Like a rock.
The Chips Ahoy penis: Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch penis: Its the adult thing to do.
The Citibank visa penis: It's everywhere you want to be.
The CNN Sports Illustrated penis: As interactive as you can get without getting
bruised.
The Cobain penis: It blows itself away.
The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.
The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.

The Dairy Queen penis: Hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
The Dial penis: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.
The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...
The Dodge Neon penis: There's a "lot more to love!"
The Domino's Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!
The Doublemint penis: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Downey Penis: Come on Downey

The Extra penis:  lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going...
The Erricson Cell Phone penis: Whip out your little one.
The Equal penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Extra penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time!

The Flintstone's Vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing!
The Ford penis: The best never rest.
The Franks Red Hot Sauce penis: It's the oooh without the ouch.
The Frosted Flakes penis: They're GGGRRRRREEEAAATTT!
The Fruit-by-the Foot penis: Need I say more?
The FTD penis:  Some of life's best moments come FTD.

The General Electric penis: We bring good things to life!
The Generic penis: One size fits all.
The George of the Jungle penis: Watch out for that....tree?
The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.
The GMC Envoy penis:  It's the real mcCoy.
The GMC Yukon penis:  Beautifully designed. Powerfully built. Genetically
engineered.

The Hardees Breakfast penis:  Rise and shine.

The Insinkerator Disposal penis: The choice of 9 out of 10 professionals.

The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle...
The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: Self-explanatory
The Juicy Fruit penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
The Just For Men penis: A sure thing for a natural look.

The Kix penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one!
The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
The Life Call penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
The Little Caesar's penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
The Lucky Charms penis: It's magically delicious!
The Luv's penis:  It'll take a load off your mind.

The Mars Penis: A mars a day helps you work, rest and play.
The Matthew Sweet penis: 100% fun.
The Macintosh penis: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
The Magnavox penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The McDonald's penis: Over 10 billion served.
The McDonald's penis: Have you had your break today?
The MCI penis: For friends and family!
The Men's Healthy Magazine penis: It's a perfect fit.
The MicroMachines penis: A whole world, in the palm your hand.
The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?
The Milk penis: It does a body good!
The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.
The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
The Monty Python penis: "isn't awfully nice to have a penis"
The Monty Python penis II: "Every sperm is sacred...."
The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.

The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?
The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey - you never know.
The Newport penis: It's alive with pleasure.
The Nike penis: Just do it.
The Nintendo penis: Now you're playing with power.
The Nuprin penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Nyquil penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny nose, itching, 
burning, so you can't rest penis.

The Payday penis: Its almost totally nuts!
The Phillips MOM penis:  It's always stimulant free.
The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.
The Pizza Hut penis: Makin' it great.
The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!
The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.
The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into "Post Selects"
fits.
The Power of Cheese penis:  Just saying it is enough to make you smile.
The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can't stop...
The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..
The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.

The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.
The Reese's penis: How do you eat your penis?
The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom...

The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!
The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
The Sega penis: PENIS!
The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up...
The Slim Fast penis:  Helps you loose weight, makes you feel great.
The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.
The Springmaid penis:  Makes you snore like a lady.
The Sprite penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!
The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis:  You can put it where the sun don't shine.
The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat!

The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!
The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on.......
The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take ...?
The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!
The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.
The Transformers penis: It's more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.

The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.

The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.
The Virginia Slims penis: You've come a long way, baby!

The Wendy's penis: Where's the beef?
The Wizard of Oz penis: "Oh my!"

The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.

Fourth note: Two boys were skinny-dipping and the one couldn't help noticing
the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did ya get it that big?" 

The other boy responded, "Well I rub it down every night with lard." 

Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again, there was a
comparison made, with no results.

The first boy said, "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down
with Crisco."

The other boy exclaimed, "Well, no wonder. That's shortening."

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"The Replicoid" by Shabby Blue (Star Wars incest) 9.5, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913523
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913532
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913544
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913546
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501916834
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501916836

"Blind Date" by John A (flirtation) 10, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512483558
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512483563

"Panties in the Darkness" by Shon Richards (masturbatory panty raid). 10, 10,
10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512245325

"My New Sitter and the Battle with the Ants" by Typoman (humorous kiddy sex) 
9, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511314972

"Sharing the Love" by Patrick Donovan (teen threesome) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511319763

"Joanne and Lexi" by Admiral Cartwright (first time ff sex) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512488651

"A Simpsons Special" by Unknown Author (cartoon sex) 4, 4, 4
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310956586

"Bart Bangs His Mommy" by "Mr. Boy" (cartoon sex) 3, 4, 4
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=509891462

"Bart and the Older Woman" by Hidden (cartoon sex) 6, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=256008125

"The Night Mum Got Drunk" by Spiller (incest) 6, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512758734

"Impetuous" by Mat Twassel (funereal fellatio) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512737190

"Double Cherry" by Typoman (first time sex) 6, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=513577305

"Magnifying Glass" by Jay (cybersex & real sex) 8, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=506707580

"Giving Head" by Poison Ivan (oral sex) 10, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514539477

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Victor" by Kellis (sf wartime sex) Mary: 8, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510434655

"The Roomer" (threesome) Homer: 9, 7, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379548
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379550
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379565
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379557
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379562

"Love Is All You Need?" by John A (thwarted love affair) BillyG: 10, 10, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618319
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618327
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618335
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618343
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510621095
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510621102
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510621110

"Double Cross" by DG (Detective Story with Sex) Fiddler: 10, 8, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511086513
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511086536
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511087484
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511089447
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511510632
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511510663
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511512526
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511851023
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511856629
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511866140

"Mary's Fulfillment" by The Midnight Lurker (slutty sex) Myers:
http://x25.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510767049
http://x25.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510767053

" 'Twas a Dark and Stormy Knight" by ViragoBlue (Purple-prose  Fantasy)
Fiddler: 7, 7, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512786378


=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "A Yank in the Outhouse" by David Shaw (war-time sex)
            10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058762 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058773 

=====================
Here are the  Reviews:
=====================

"The Replicoid" by Shabby Blue (shabby_blue@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913523
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913532
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913544
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501913546
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501916834
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=501916836

Jacen Solo, the teenage offspring of Han Solo and Princess Leia, has purchased
a replicoid. This is a female droid much like C-3PO, except that it's more
humanoid - in fact, it's an exact duplicate of a human slave girl that is
specifically designed to carry out his every wish. And so it does, starting
just a few minutes after its arrival.

Jacen names the replicoid Ellie, which is short for LE8311. Jacen likes Ellie a
lot.  Ya know how the modern sex education books say that masturbation is
harmless unless it causes a skin irritation or unless it forcers the
perpetrator into excessive social isolation? I think Jacen falls under the
latter clause. Also, note that if you want to go at it with your pet robot in
the privacy of your bedroom, it does no good to lock the door if your mother
has the Force on her side of the door. And matters get Oedipally complex if the
replicoid is based on one's mother back in the days when she used to work for
Jabba the Hutt.

And then there's Jacen's twin Jaina.

The sci-fi details are interesting.  For example, Jacen is able to sample the
replicoid's talents by holodisk before making a purchase by intergalactic mail
order. And Chewie sounds like an interesting sex partner, if you judge by name
only or if you like furry creatures.

Ratings for "The Replicoid"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Blind Date" by "Blind Date" by John A (john3365a@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512483558
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512483563

Cindy has fixed Bob and Michelle up for a blind date. As the H-hour approaches,
Bob is worried and Michelle has a yeast infection. This story records their
flirtations with annotated mind readings.

It's not a full story, but it's a lot of fun.

Ratings for "Blind Date"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Panties in the Darkness" by Shon Richards  (lordshon@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512245325

The narrator is a kleptomaniac who has decided to do a favor for a fraternity
friend by stealing a monogrammed pair of panties from a sorority house. He
breaks into the house easily enough and finds the panties in the empty bedroom,
but then the owner (hereafter referred to as Drunk Soccer Sorority Girl)
returns unexpectedly, and the thief has to hide under her bed. As you may have
expected, Drunk Soccer Sorority Girl proceeds to masturbate before saying her
prayers and going to dreamland. This makes things hard on Mr Thief Under the
Bed, who wants nothing more than to escape with his prize - well, almost
nothing more.

At first Mr Thief Under the Bed starts to laugh hysterically at his
predicament; but realizing that this may blow his cover, he gets serious and
starts to masturbate. This strategy works. Keep this in mind for the next time
a teacher, parent, or judge tells you to wipe that silly grin off your face.

Next, Mr Thief Under the Bed has a sort of epiphany. He realizes that he is
bisexual, at least to the extent that he feels it would probably be almost as
much fun to masturbate under the bed of a guy jerking off as it is under the
bed of Drunk Soccer Sorority Girl - only faster. The author omits a bit of
realism here: there would also be a lot more dust bunnies under the guy's bed.

As the narrator tells us, it's like real sex, but more dangerous and pure. This
also leads him to the natural question: Who is lonelier? Drunk Soccer Sorority
Girl for not knowing she has company and an admirer in the room or Mr Thief
Under the Bed for wanting to touch her and knowing that it could never happen
if he values his life? That's the sort of question that gets covered in
Existentialism 101 under the topic of "angst."

Soon she is repeating ,"Oh yes, oh yes," over and over again - possibly  in
ambiguous response to the questions raised in the preceding paragraph. The
story eventually resolves itself and comes to a rousing conclusion.

There are minor flaws in the story. For example, according to my understanding
of quantum mechanics, the guy isn't even under the bed unless somebody thinks
of him being under the bed; but I am pretty sure there is some flaw in my
understanding. Especially since Descartes has demonstrated that "Coito ergo
suk."

Overall, this was a delightful story. In fact, it was so good that I added back
in the half point that I was going to take off for a couple of minor typos.

Ratings for "Panties in the Darkness "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"My New Sitter and the Battle with the Ants" by Typoman
(wrenchman@earthlink.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511314972

There are a billion stories in the nekkid city, and this is one of them. It is
a true story, but the facts have been changed to protect the indecent. The true
part of the story concerns the author's battle with some red ants when he was a
mere lad of ten. He ran screaming to his mother, and she had to take off all
his clothes right in front of her friend, who was the mother of the kids next
door. Of course, nothing sexual happened - until he embellished the story by
changing the mother into the 16-year-old babe next door.

This is one of those naughty but fun-loving stories of youthful exuberance and
frivolity. A good time was had by both. It was a fun read.

Ratings for "My New Sitter and the Battle with the Ants"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Sharing the Love" by Patrick Donovan (PatrickDonovan01@hotmail.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511319763

Patrick and Linda are going at it with her in the "female superior" position.
This makes it easy for him to pleasure her buttocks and her asshole. There's
something about the ole fingers up the anus trick that makes Linda cum more
violently than ever before. Being a fast learner, Linda concludes that trying
new things is good.

A problem with putting a priority on novelty is that sometimes it's hard to
find something new to do. In this case they settle on seducing Linda's bubbly
and virginal friend Brianna into a threesome. The author does an excellent job
of describing the hot sexual activity.

Ratings for "Sharing the Love"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Joanne and Lexi" by Admiral Cartwright (admcartwright@starfleet.hotmail.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512488651

Joanne's best friend for fifteen years has just confessed she's bisexual- and
attracted to HER. So what we have here is a vivid description of the first
sexual encounter between the two, which occurs right after Lexi has revealed
her interest to her friend.

The sexual activity is extremely hot. There's not much plot, but then there's
not supposed to be much plot. If watching a sexy woman do it for the first time
with another woman who is really good at it sounds interesting to you, you'll
enjoy this little story.

Ratings for "Joanne and Lexi"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"A Simpsons Special" by Unknown Author (pray4death@rocketmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310956586

Somebody named Jazz Man (jazzman@thesimpsons.com) has reposted 20 short stories
about the Simpson cartoon family. I have glanced through them, and they seem to
be of uneven quality.

In this one, Bart wakes up with an erection one morning. In real life erections
interfere with intinction {how's that for a technical term!}, but Bart first
takes a leak and then gets a little more aroused by taking his baby sister's
clothes off and looking at her for a while. Then he sticks his cock in his
other sister's mouth, and she wakes up and gives him a blowjob, but her forgets
to get her naked so that he can look at her. In other words, Bart is pretty
much like the Bart on TV, except that he's not writing a hundred times on the
board, "When you undo a disposable diaper, it won't go back on, because the
sticky stuff is gone, and that's why they call them disposable."

And so it goes. Everybody fucks somebody in an odd way. It's really pretty
stupid - er, I mean stoopud; but then I guess it's supposed to be that way. I
don't watch the TV show all that often, but the episodes that I have seen are a
lot more creative than this story was.

Ratings for "A Simpsons Special"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

"Bart Bangs His Mommy" by Mr. Boy (boy@cabin.Com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=509891462

The trouble with giving the preceding story straight 4's is that it is
necessary to give this one even lower ratings. I have enjoyed other TV
parodies, but these last two have been pretty bad. Maybe the difference is that
Star Trek fans simply write a little better than Simpson fans. There's probably
a tee-shirt that tells me that.

Ratings for "Bart Bangs His Mommy"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"Bart and the Older Woman" by Hidden (gzaxgaiefx@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=256008125

This is my third Simpson story, and it contains the third way to spell his
teacher's name. I'd bet on this author's spelling, since he gets several other
words right as well.

This is an alternate ending to a real TV episode, in which Bart was writing
love letters to his teacher. In the present ending, Homer tells Bart that the
best thing to do is to be honest and confess his sin to Mrs. Krabopple. The
teacher replies that she is going to have to teach Bart a lesson. And she does.


This one is not exactly a great story, but at least it got straight 6's - the
sign of the beast! However, I should add that these ratings may be high - a
contrast effect arising from the last two stories. 

This story served the very useful purpose of convincing me to trash the other
17 episodes without reading them.

Ratings for "Bart and the Older Woman"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"The Night Mum Got Drunk" by Spiller (xxspillerxx@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512758734

John's mother has broken her wrist and needs help washing herself in the
shower. The poor lad is only 14 (years, not inches); but against his initial
inclinations, he agrees to help out. Which is fine, really, because he
masturbates to a mental picture of Mum almost every day anyway.

But alas: "There is no way to avoid it, dear. You shall have to wash my pussy
too. But this washrag is a bit too rough. Can you use your hands?" It's so cute
the way British Mums say, "You shall have to wash my pussy too." And the next
day she says, " I didn't realize that this might be a bit hard on you, dear."
British Mums are just masters - er, mistresses - of the pun, aren't they?

But then the cast comes off and it's back to Mum in the bathrobe and ole John
auditioning his finger puppets off in the bedroom or loo. But then one day they
go to a party at a neighbor's house. Mum gets pissed (I love to say that,
because that's what the Brits call it when a person has way too much to drink);
and John takes her home and puts her to bed, where she pukes in a bucket and
then fucks his brains out. John is especially struck by the sweet smell of her
pussy; but that may have been partly because of the pussy's contrast with her
breasts, off of which John has just wiped regurgitated bear and assorted snacks
- I think the Brits call this a "pudding" of some sort. 

After Mum cums, she is hit by pangs of conscience and blurts out in her drunken
stupour that "this is all wrong." John explains to her that he agrees it's
forbidden, but it can't really be wrong when it feels so good, can it? Mum is
relieved that her son is a bright young philosopher who quotes country western
music fluently, and so she becomes his permanent bed partner.

The story is a bit confusing because of grammar problems, but it's really a
cute story in its own way. It's important for us on this side of the pond to
understand the Motherland and our origins.

Ratings for "The Night Mum Got Drunk"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Impetuous" by Mat Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). 
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512737190

I should give this story extra credit for allowing me to use the phrase
"funereal fellatio" in my index. Some people go their whole lives without
writing or even reading that phrase. We just got lucky tonight, I guess.

This was not an official entry in the Sexy Tie Contest. It's just a sexy story
in which a tie plays a minor role. The major roles are played by the guy and
his girlfriend, who are in his car, following the hearse that his carrying the
body of his late mother. Mom used to consider the girlfriend to be impetuous, a
term that the girlfriend feels is inaccurate. But she gives the guy a blowjob
anyway, while they follow the hearse, and another on the way back from the
cemetery. This is where the tie comes in - or the cum ties in; but you can read
the story to see what actually happens.

As usual, Mat's story is literate, creative, and sexy.

Ratings for "Impetuous"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"Double Cherry" by Typoman (wrenchman@earthlink.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=513577305

The title refers to the fact that the narrator got his first piece of ass when
he was 18 by popping the cherry of a girl who was 16. Even then she had sagging
tits and was a real bitch, but a piece of ass is a piece of ass to a horny
teenager. 

Or maybe the title refers to the fact that this story is about our narrator
popping two cherries: the aforesaid bitch's and the one belonging to the love
of his life for the past 23 years, who was great at defending her virginity,
until the author wore her down - in a very nice way. 

{Note that this story is also listed under the titles "Two Cherries " and "A
Tale of Two Cherries." The same logic applies.}

There's plenty of sex, but I didn't find the descriptions to be very vivid.

Ratings for "Double Cherry"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"Magnifying Glass" by Jay (anchor987@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=506707580

Two cyberfriends have decided to meet in person. The first meeting is at a
restaurant, where they plan their second meeting, which will be a romp at her
house. Cherie is a large woman; but as far as Mike is concerned, that just
means that there is more of some very delectable parts.  They play some
spanking and punishment games, and a good time is had by all.  I suspect the
theme would appeal a little more to a person who is more interested in bdsm
than I am.

As I understand it, the author writes in French and then converts it into
English with the help of a very competent friend. There are numerous mistakes
(e.g., putting an s after adjectives that modify plural nouns). If somebody out
there wants to help Jay by pointing out these mistakes more specifically, I
imagine he would really appreciate the assistance.

Ratings for "Magnifying Glass"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer):6

"Giving Head" by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=514539477

The narrator briefly describes prior experiences with his former and present
wives, and then describes a good blow job with his present wife. There's not
much too it, but what there is is nice. One unusual element of the story is
that the narrator seems to have the power to make women cold when they swallow
his semen. Go figure.

Ratings for "Giving Head"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer):8

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"The Victor" by Kellis (kellis@dhp.com). Guest Review by Mary Jorsay Gandmar
(maryjg@finebody.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510434655

This is a long, 'conversational', SF/Fantasy erotic short story, with strong
shades of Wells and "The War Of The Worlds," albeit suitably fin-de-siecle.

A war-torn country, and the invading army has secured a building that has - for
our purposes - only females. (There are children, too, but they disappear
fairly early on, thank heaven). Captain Kev Zorek, the commanding officer and,
on his direct order, Private Grast, take on three women. There's a lot of
fellatio, some copulation. And then there's the kick, roles are reversed - who
is the real victor?

It's reasonably well-written. The dialogue is fluid, easy on the ear with
flashes of humour. The trouble is that there is far too much of it. It's
difficult to visualize scenarios when they have to be pieced together through
an extended conversation. Dialogue doesn't substitute for narrative, unless it
is exceptionally well realized; and in the short story form, it is frequently
distracting. Rather, it should be used to underscore, or emphasize. This
doesn't happen. The direct result of this is that the reader has a lot of
trouble getting to the perspective of the 'aliens' (the invaded/violated
women).

The sex is described (in both voices, conversational and narrative), but seems
to be mostly about complicated alignment and positioning of limbs and body
parts. I found it almost impossible to 'see' the sex in my mind's eye. The
denouement, in the last third is a fallen soufflé - it begins very well, the
twist coming unexpectedly; and then implodes. I should really have preferred it
to be far less explicit, to have it left mysterious, dark, intriguing,
tantalizing. What happened? What caused it?

I liked the concept, the undeniable humour, the idea of a female dominated
world. Also, there is fine attention to detail and sufficient delineation of
atmosphere: it has echoes of that opening sequence from The Terminator movies,
a devastated world, shelled buildings, rubble around. Or is it Kosovo?

But it's about a third too long, at the end. A shorter, snappier version would
work very well indeed. It's just a wee bit short of being outstanding.

My resolve has weakened. I forswore ratings a while ago, and did not give any
to the last one, but, on reconsideration, I think Celeste makes a valid
argument in favour. So here we go:

Ratings for "The Victor":
ATHENA (Technical quality) : 8
VENUS  (Plot & Character) : 9
MARY : (Appeal to Reviewer) : 9
  
"The Roomer" by Curt Samuels (cozynwarm@hotmail.com). Reviewed by Homer Vargas.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379548
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379550
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379565
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379557
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=503379562

This is a sweet, hot story of true love between two beautiful women and a guy
with a ten-inch cock.  How do we know the size of his cock?  Because the first
person narrator tells us over and over and over.  It's also "uncircumcised" and
"massive."  I have a very strong suspicion the author is male, although if you
are a woman who wants to sound like a male author, say things like that.

The story is filled with nicely realistic detail and the characters are
likeable, but somehow it does not rise above the fantasy level.  The way the
characters stumble into the relationship is possible, but seems contrived. 
Things happen not because the plot or character demands it, but because the
author wants it to happen that way.  The pace is a little slow; too many words
for the amount of action and I don't mean the amount of sex.  Of that there is
plenty and it's well done.  There are a few anomalies that indicate the story
needed an outside eye and a few grammatical mistakes that a proofreader could
have caught.  I would mention the failure to place two spaces between
sentences, but I've been prohibited from doing so.

Still, this is a very creditable effort by what seems to be a first time
author.  I hope he will continue writing.

Ratings for "The Roomer"
Athena		9
Venus		7
Homer		8

"Love is All You Need?" by John A (john3356@aol.com). Guest Review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618319
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618327
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618335
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510618343
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510621095
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510621102
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510621110

"Love is All You Need?" is a story of a star-crossed romance between a teen-ago
girl and a middle-aged, married father of three. The bulk of older-younger
stories in a.s.s. simply graze across the lives of the protagonists, providing
little more than a cardboard backdrop to a wannabe titillating story of
cheating and forbidden sex. For the most part, they're a short ride on an
erotic roller coaster of uncertain intensity. Usually the ride is more a
gingerbread promise leading to a blunted realization.  This is far from the
case in John A's tale of love that is almost certain to fail.  Part of the
emotional, lump-in-throat concern generated by the story is grounded in the
fear of which one of these very nice people is destined to be hurt.

This is a well-written tale that's moderately long, covering several years of a
thwarted love affair.  I suppose there's a resolution of sorts, but it's more
the journey than the destination that so riveted me.  As such, the particulars
of the story are less important than the emotion of the story.  For that, I
recommend it highly.

Ratings for "Love is All You Need?"
Technical merit:  10
Plot & character: 10
Appeal to BillyG:  9

"Double Cross" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). Guest review by Fiddler.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511086513
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511086536
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511087484
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511089447
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511510632
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511510663
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511512526
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511851023
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511856629
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511866140

Frank Stern is a not-very-successful private investigator by vocation and a
voyeur by avocation.  When he photographs a TV star topless on the beach, it
provides her with an alibi for the murder of her ex.  She also hires him to
find porno films that might blight her career.

Then things get a bit more complicated.  

The sex in this story is sporadic but hot when it arrives.  DG neatly avoids
most of the cliches of sex stories, but he is less successful in avoiding the
cliches of private-eye stories.

Altogether, a fun read.

Ratings for "Double Cross"
Athena (technical quality):  10
Venus (plot & character):  8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 10

"Mary's Fulfillment" by The Midnight Lurker (tmidlurker@aol.com). Guest review
by Dave Myers.
http://x25.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510767049
http://x25.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510767053

This is a bang-bang, no apologies kind of story. That can be a good kind of
story if the author knows how to subvert it. Not this time, unfortunately.

The basic plot is that of a slut that likes to get it from two or more guys at
once, and the author basically practices putting her in a number of positions
while our guys have fun. She's enjoying, of course, which is perfectly
acceptable and normal in the bounds of the author-reader contract, but it
becomes less believable when the girl has so little dialogue, and we get the
foregone conclusion that those that are sluts, will just be sluts, and nothing
more. Mary is such a cardboard cutout, I don't know if I'm excited anymore,
before long. These guys are basically interested in getting their own, and Mary
gets her fill (multiples is her kink after all), but I can hardly see how the
story is Mary's fulfillment. That part is somehow kinda incidental.

The story needs to read less like a bedtime story gone haywire and more like a
wicked parade of forbidden pleasures. Ok, well, that's just a suggestion. But,
I felt there was little suspense, and little held back to really save up for
the big blast, if you know what I mean, and any attempt at inserting intrigue
(even mock intrigue) would have worked, IMHO. For instance, have Mary take some
control here and there...  or if that doesn't sound fun, have Mary get so used
sexually that we won't be able to take the silly "bedtime story" patter
seriously at all. In the current version, things fall in such clean lines that
I got bored. 


" 'Twas a Dark and Stormy Knight" by ViragoBlue (Purple-prose  Fantasy)

"'Twas a Dark and Stormy Knight" by ViragoBlue  (mdmvirago@aol.com). Guest
review by Fiddler.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=512786378

Virago is in an inn in 1324.  Lord Peerce enters and comments on her state of
undress.  She atttacks him with her sword, but he overcomes her and attacks
with a blunter weapon.  A good time is had by all.

Whenever an author departs from standard English, he or she takes a risk.  The
prose style is then one of the central facets of the story.  A bobble which the
reader can overlook when the language is merely describing what happens looms
large when the language is setting the character.

Virago Blue takes the risk in this story, using purple prose to establish it
within the swords-and-sorcery realm.  In my opinion, she loses.  This is not an
isolated example: "I care not of what people perceive me as or that one would
choose to give rise to my anger for show or challenge for I will counterattack
with my own vicious tongue."  

The formatting also needed a little work.  Some lines ran over 80 characters,
and the apostrophe -- vital in purple prose -- being non-ASCII.  (Although I
can't take off points for non-ASCII characters when working for Celeste.)

Ratings for "'Twas a Dark and Stormy Knight":
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 6

=====================

Reposted Reviews:
=====================

* "A Yank in the Outhouse" by David Shaw (shaw_david@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058762 
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058773 

First, let's clear up a linguistic ambiguity.  An outhouse in England is not
the same thing as one in America.  In England, the term appears to refer to any
house outside the main house.  In the United States an outhouse is a primitive
toilet facility employed in areas where there is no running water for flush
toilets. Aside from the hole through which one shits and pisses and the aroma
that pervades the place, the most familiar characteristic of the American
outhouse is the crescent-moon-shaped window on the front door. I would add that
in the United States the outhouse usually contains a crapper, whereas in this
story the outhouse contains a copper; but you would have to read this story to
understand what that means.

This story takes place in England during World War II.  The narrator is a very
conservative British lady who lives in a very rural area, stays away from bars,
and teaches Sunday School.  A fortiori she's a virgin.  The men are off
fighting Hitler, and war is hell on the homefront too.  Our Heroine is assigned
to deliver a bottle of wine as a gift from the Vicar to two distinguished
ladies who have moved to the countryside to avoid the blitz; and she is
surprised to discover when she peers through the window of the wash house that
they are really nothing but a couple of prostitutes servicing the serviceman
who has come a-calling.

What she sees resembles getting a bull aroused for a tupping session with a
cow.

After she watches for a while, she gets caught; but what the heck - that just
means that she gets to join the action.

This story makes some far-fetched assumptions - for instance, not all pure
little voyeuristic Sunday school teachers become enthusiastic courtesans the
moment they get caught and threatened with rape; but they won't strain the
credulity of people who frequent alt.sex.stories. But overall, this was a very
good story.

Ratings for "A Yank in the Outhouse"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10


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