Celestial Reviews 336 – August 15, 1999

Life Isn't Fair Department: I have a publisher that actually wants to publish
my Celestial Grammar. {My hope is that if we can get enough schools to ban the
book, we can get millions of students to read it and learn to use better
grammar.} I have a good start on My Great American Novel. {No kidding!}

So what happens? Al Steiner writes a serialized story that would knock my book
right off the Sexual Bestsellers List. Patrick Donovan posts four new stories.
Some asshole named John A. whom I have never even heard of posts a couple of
stories that certainly look tempting. And it goes on and on and on. 

I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have time to read all
the fine stories that appeared in the Sexy Tie Contest. I upgrade my FAQ to
3.0, and then ASSTR comes back online and renders my FAQ antiquated. And people
keep posting more stories that keep on drawing my attention and tempting me –
both to read their stories and to implement the advice I find therein.

To say nothing of real life….

I'd like to get my hands on some of the people who claim there are no good
stories on this Newsgroup. I think they could convert me into a bondage or
torture aficionado.

To top it off, my husband keeps reading the chapters of my book and wants to do
"research" with me. Life sucks. So does my husband. So do I. But that ain't all
bad, I suppose.

I suppose the solution is to stop reading Henry James and to cut my husband
back to twice a week. That should save me six or seven hours a week right
there.

Anyway, if any of my guest reviewers out there have been longing for a story to
review and I haven't sent you one for a long time, please contact me. I think I
have a great group of reviewers right now, but there's always room for one or
two more.

Note: Bill Clinton will always be listed in the reference books as the
President who was after Bush.

Another note: Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys,
and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of
the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be
getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so
too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way
the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to
have trouble finding her heart.

"I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold
because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to
moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.
This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him
she felt really hot.

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick --  a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there,
about 10 inches long -- honest. Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it
from getting away.

"When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell
open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was
the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the
lake.

"Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of
a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from
biting again.

"Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped by lying on top of the eel.

"The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squashing it between them.

"After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got
up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there,
limp, and some of its insides were oozing out.

"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back
to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel
wasn't dead!

"It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats
--  they have nine lives or something.

"This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35
minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw
Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

Final note: A first grader was working at his computer in the corner of the
classroom. He raised his hand and asked the teacher, "Shouldn't there be a
hyphen in hard-on?" The teacher gasped and ran to his computer and looked at
the message he was receiving from his pen pal: "I am very proud of the project
I have been working hard on."

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"Quarters" by Wiseguy (orgy) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504552813
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504557983

"The guru from A to Z" by Jay (mind control) 7, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510415529

"Make Love to Me" by Jan Williams (janwill89@hotmail.com) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=411752019

"The Whole Body-Image Thing" by AuryMan (humiliation) 9, 5, 2
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511708391

"Learning" by Patrick Donovan (boy/boy sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511317296

"Bop" by Titmouse (weird description of sex) 10, 9, 9

"Under the Table" by Shakespeare I. Ain't (hot tip) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511317310

"Lady Killer" by DG (sexy assassin) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=508391529

"Damika" by "Malcolm Jardine (romantic interlude) 9, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=508265739

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"An Unexpected Rendezvous" by Adoring Fan (Internet and real
      sex). Homer: 9.9, 9, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504500688

"An Evening's Intrigue" by PleaseCain (dinner party sex) Myers:
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=505619810

"Friday Night Rituals" by Jay (bdsm). Myers:
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=502174187

=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================

"Quarters" by Wiseguy.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504552813
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=504557983

Karen is holding a house-warming party for Susan, her roommate. Karen is also a
hypnotist. As part of the festivities they play a drinking game called
quarters. As another part of the festivities, they pair off and fuck their
partners' brains out.

When I put it that way, the plot sounds kind of lame. But when I was reading
it, it was pretty exciting. If I were you, I would read this story, especially
if you like the idea of people gradually losing their inhibitions and getting
turned on by what other people around them are doing.

Ratings for "Quarters"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"The guru from A to Z" by Jay (anchor987@hotmail.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=510415529

Harmony goes to a party, where she is struck by an attractive man who has four
beautiful young women fawning on him. While she sort of wishes she could fawn
too, one of them approaches her and suggests that she join them.

It turns out that the attractive man is Wilhelm, called The Guru by the ladies
who surround and fawn on him. Eventually Harmony goes home with them and
discovers that there are twenty-five  young ladies altogether. With Harmony
they become 26, and with The Guru himself that makes 27, the perfect trilogy,
or three sets of nine, if you know what I mean. And each girl has a name
beginning with a different letter of the alphabet!

I think there are people who will like this story more than I did – mainly
people who buy into mind control and relatively mild bdsm as neat ideas.

The story contains some odd mistakes in verb tense and word usage – sort of
what you'd expect from a person whose first language is not English but who
hasn't become quite as proficient as Joseph Conrad, whose "Secret Sharer" would
be a great basis for a sex story <hint>.

Ratings for "The guru from A to Z"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"Make Love to Me" by Jan Williams (romantic outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=411752019

The author sent this story to me back in November. Today I decided to go back
and check the oldest stories in my "unread" file before throwing them away. I
am glad I checked this one before erasing it.

This is a short but beautiful, almost poetic story of lovers making love on a
hillside in Connecticut in the warm sun while the cricket chirped and the soft
breeze carried the songs of the birds to theim.

I hope you can still find this one. It's a real winner.  I'm going to take a
look at some more of these older stories. There just might be a reason why I
kept them.

Ratings for "Make Love to Me"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Whole Body-Image Thing" by AuryMan (auryman@aol.com )
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511708391

This is an example of faulty reading on my part. The story codes in the title
line said (M+F, hum, cons). I misinterpreted the "hum" to mean "humor." As I
was reading the story, I kept saying to myself, "This sure is weird. It's a
satire of humiliation stories. There's going to be a surprise twist at the
ending. When I got to the end, I was disappointed. I thought the author had a
weak sense of humor. I was going to rate it 9, 7, 4 as humor; but once I
realized it was a humiliation thing, I rated it slightly lower. Instead of a
weak sense of humor, I now think the author has a weak sense of reality.

Ratings for "The Whole Body-Image Thing"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2

"Learning" by Patrick Donovan (PatrickDonovan01@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511317296

I thought I knew the answer before I asked him: "Have you ever done anything at
all sexually with a guy?" "No," my husband replied; "But when I was in
elementary school, one of my friends tried to kiss me." "What did you do?" "I
punched him and told him to stop it, and he did."

I don't review many male-male stories in my reviews. That's simply because they
usually don't turn me on, and there are lots of other stories here that do turn
me on. So I stick with my own cup of tea. However, the present story was
written by one of my favorite authors, and I was already started on it before I
noticed the mm in the title line.

I have read many "first time" mf and ff stories, and I have often heard that
it's "natural" for guys to masturbate and sometimes have sex together. This
doesn't "brand" them as homosexuals; it's just a natural progression from
masturbation to mutual masturbation to same gender sex to different gender
petting and sex. As my lead anecdote indicates, not everyone who is "normal"
follows this exact route. My husband and I have both gone straight from the
masturbation to the different gender petting, and we think we do pretty well. 

In addition, I am firmly convinced that almost everyone is capable of "going
both ways." If a blowjob is enjoyable, why should it matter who gives it? From
the perspective of pleasure alone, I don't think it CAN possibly matter –
except for cultural conditioning. I am not saying that cultural conditioning is
a bad thing or that you should teach your children to spend more time in same
gender sexual experimentation after dinner tonight. I'm just saying that it
seems natural to ENJOY the pleasure one can derive from a partner of either
gender. The fact that there are some pleassures my husband and I will never
enjoy doesn't force me to deny that they ARE probably enjoyable.

So this story had the immense advantage of giving me a glance inside the mind
of a young boy doing it for the first time with another boy – first manually,
then orally, then anally. I suppose this will be a turnoff for some of the more
macho males in the audience, but I thought it was an excellent story. What
surprised me most is that in addition to acquiring some useful insights from
this story, I actually got slightly turned on reading it.

Ratings for "Learning"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Bop" by Titmouse (NiteSweats@aol.com).

The author says that this story hung around in his notes for some time, under
the temporary name "Experimental."  One day he was noodling at the keyboard
when this phrase came out of nowhere.  "We touchie-feelie but we no bop." From
that small beginning, this story eventually emerged.

The story presents a sexual encounter from a person whose language skills are
primitive. "We touchie-feelie but we no bop" is about as close as this story
comes to a grammatically correct thought. Except for the happy ending:
"Touchie-feelie, ya, but bop plenty too."

We can only conjecture why the narrator talks in this primitive way. Maybe the
person has a learning disability. Maybe she's a member of the British Royal
Family who has not yet been discovered by the tabloids. We just don't know; but
the style really is kind of interesting.

The "trouble" with a story like this one is that it takes the reader's full
attention just to figure out what the hell is happening. On the other hand,
that's also an advantage – the author DOES have your full attention, and your
mind is sort of purged of preconceptions.

Once you get over the feeling that you might be betrayed by an imbecile writer
who simply can't express himself, you can afford to buy into the story and
enjoy it. So let me do you a favor. This story looks illiterate, but it's not.
It's creative. Take the plunge. Read it carefully. And enjoy it.

Ratings for "Bop"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Under the Table" by Shakespeare I. Ain't (Shakespeare_I._Aint@mailexcite.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=511317310

Jamie is a seventeen-year-old boy who works as one of those waiters who bring
meals up to the rooms at an exclusive resort complex on Mackinac Island. He
finds a woman's wallet with a lot of money in it; and when he returns it, she
offers him sexual favors instead of a monetary tip. The husband also gets off
on the reward process.

As I look at my summary, this sounds sort of lame. Believe me, I found this
story quite interesting. The author writes with a style that turns what could
be a trite plot into a very good story.

Ratings for "Under the Table"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Lady Killer" by DG (DG@newsguy.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=508391529

The guy thinks he is a lady killer – one of those superstuds who can get any
women they want. The woman is also a lady killer – one of those women armed
with guns with silencers who murder rich guys in their hotel rooms into which
they lure them in anticipation of hot sex. Oh well, back when I was a kid in
Catholic school, we learned that prurient urges would be punished.

So what's this story doing in The Sexy Tie Contest?

Maybe the tie brings out the color in his eyes. Maybe they have one last fuck
before she kills him. Maybe she strangles him with the tie. You'll have to read
the story and find out.

Ratings for "Lady Killer"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Damika" by "Malcolm Jardine (lebny@freewebaccess.co.uk).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=508265739

As I have often said before, stories that are labeled "Interracial" in the
title line in this newsgroup are often garbage. The interracial element
consists of further "evidence" that black men have monster cocks that white
women can't get enough of and that black women are horny sluts. I guess there's
room for that sort of stereotyping in the world, but I find the sort of
"interracial" sex in the present story to be more interesting and erotic. 

What we have here is some afternoon delight between Michael and Damika. Michael
is apparently an Anglo white person and Damika is a brown-skinned Sri Lankan.
{Sri Lanka is one of those countries over on the other side of the world. It
used to be called Ceylon.} The blend and contrast of their skin colors is just
one element that enriches their romantic interlude.

Ratings for "Damika"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================

"An Unexpected Rendezvous" by Adoring Fan (adoringf@hotmail.com). Guest review
by Homer Vargas
http://www.deja.com/qs.xp?OP=dnquery.xp&ST=QS&QRY=Unexpected+Rendezvous&DBS=3

Besides being a reviewer, Celeste is a talent scout.  She discovered this what
seems to be the first-ever post of Adoring Fan.  Homer predicts this will not
be the last of this author’s stories to be reviewed.

The story begins with the third act of an internet sex drama.  Racy e-mails
have led to a webcam shot of a "Wow" guy and a transatlantic one-night stand. 
But Mr. Wow’s girlfriend found out and ciao to the narrator.  Now Mr. Wow is
back in town for a return engagement as if nothing has happened.  Everything is
set: the meeting in the posh hotel, the chilled wine the "sexual attraction
crackling between us."  Yes, this will be an unexpected rendezvous.

This is a well-crafted story.  The author has chosen one of the most difficult
techniques a first person POV in present tense and uses it well.  It
facilitates some well-done flashbacks, but there are a few stumbles.  The
reader will hardly notice them, but they do show just how hard this POV is to
maintain.  The characters are developed by appropriate details.  There are
subtle foreshadowings and contrapuntal notes.  Hardly a word is mis-chosen or
out of place.  The length and pace of the story are just right for the action.

Definitely worth reading

Ratings for "An Unexpected Rendezvous"
Athena (technique)  9.9
Venus (character and plot)  9.0
Homer (appeal to reviewer)  7.0

"An Evening's Intrigue" ("Sexy Ties 13") by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com ) 
Guest review by Dave Myers.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=505619810

When can a men's clothing accessory become interesting enough in a sex story
that it actually plays an important role? Read on...

This story doesn't have a lot of sex. It's really a story about conflicting
emotions that sort themselves out over the course of a dinner party. That's the
level on which the story succeeds at doing something interesting, and in using
men's ties as a nice little diversion, it becomes a relatively unique piece.

But the author is really trying hard to do highbrow porn. Trying just too hard.
The language is purposefully stilted in an attempt to convey a certain
atmosphere. The bottom line problem is that the author doesn't know how to
write for the characters he's created. Consequently, they can't express
themselves in ways which flow onto the page in a natural fashion. The adage is
-- write what you know, what comes easily, and for situations which you feel
adequately prepared to express vividly and completely. It should be heeded. 

"Friday Night Rituals" by Jay (anchor987@hotmail.com). Guest review by Dave
Myers.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=502174187

This juicy little nugget doesn't have a lot of wham-bam in it, but it works
very nicely as a domination story. The kicker, and which probably made it a
hard story to write, is that for almost all of the length of the story, we are
only presented with a single character (our dutiful dominee ... hmm, that isn't
a word, is it?). We never get a good look at the dominator until the end. The
build-up is executed brilliantly and the writing through the first half of the
story sets a nice atmosphere. 

The basic plot is that of a woman who could blackmail her boss if she wanted
to, using information found in files she has been working on. The intrigue part
of the story is disposed of quickly, and for the middle part of the narration,
our anxious heroine is being prepped for life as a slave. She receives notes
telling her what to do, and where, and how. And she feels no way out but to
accept this as her fate. 

I can't say enough about how the author has used very specific and evocative
words to set the stage, and how the atmosphere flows very nicely from tense to
anxious to subverted. This is all the more a triumph given that the story was
(I believe) translated into English from an original written in another
language. I say, kudos to the translator, whoever that is.

Verdict: Top notch. Give it a try. 


<end>