Celestial Reviews 331 - June 26, 1999
Note: John and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I
think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came
home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.
The other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine."
John says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at John in utter disbelief.
"No. I'm serious," continues John. "The other day I came home and found a
jockey under our bed."
Second note: A man goes to the doctor and asks him to inspect his penis, which
he has been having some trouble with since his recent trip to Hong Kong.
The doctor asks him if he had sex with any prostitutes there. When the man
replies yes, the doctor takes a quick look and tells the man that he has the
dreaded Hong Kong Dong and that his penis will have to be amputated
immediately.
Quite shocked, the man asks for a second opinion, and the doctor directs him to
a Chinese doctor who has dealt in that sort of thing quite a bit.
The man walks into the Chinese doctor's office and tells him what the first
doctor said. The Chinese doctor laughs and says, "Silly American Doctors!
They always try to get the most money out of you as possible! Of course we
don't have to amputate your penis. Just wait a week, and it will fall off on
its own!"
Third note: It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a hip guy with his own car, goes
to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers
and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says.
"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to
do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or
a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the
kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to
repeat it.
"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw
all night if we'd let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his evening is beginning to look
pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE
TWIST!!!"
Fourth Note: The following Guides for Living came to me from a reliable source,
but I still have some doubts about them:
1) Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse
steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3) A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.
4) Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the
treadmill.
5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6) Intercourse prevents divorce.
7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain
cells.
8) Sex eliminates headaches.
9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples
your chances of getting into heaven.
10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover
earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"The Store" by Emanuelle Soleil (slutty behavior) 6, 5, 5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=489605836
"The Office at Night" by Tiramisu (not getting sex) 10, 8, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=454794309
"Springer Show on Modern Philosophy" by Janey (sex
& philosophy) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479622201
"Eager Beaver" by Jenny Wanshel (teen slut on the make) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470513613
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470515628
"To Troll or Not to Troll" by Mighty Eri (humor) 8, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=490727474
"Fell On Black Days" by BlueWords (humor) 8, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=490856911
"Father's Day Fantasy" by Dreemluvr (incest) 7, 3, 3
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=490941244
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491627349
"The Flight to God" by Shiloh" (sci-fi sex) 10, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=485053742
"Night Beauty - Erotic Fantasy" by Logic11 & NSGirls (erotic fantasy)
10, 8, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483953574
"The Good Samaritan" by Ann Douglas (one-night stand) 9, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491492488
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491496236
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491499330
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491502630
"Home Improvement - Jill Taylor's story continues" by Tnnn
(ff sitcom parody) 9, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491796736
"Midsummer Night's Orgy" by Vickie Morgan (orgy) 10, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492229475
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492229517
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492232506
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492233421
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Magic Dust" by Artie (lovemaking scene). Homer: 8,7,9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448655291
"A Jewell in the Desert" by Gentleman Jim (romance).
Anne: 9, 9, 8
"Deviation" by Kellis (threats & implied sex). Tira: 8, 4, 4
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=458318562
"Mousehunt/Dragonslayer" by Beltorion (sexy wordplay).
Mary: 9, 5, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=475779301
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "Home Improvement: Jill's Story" by Ann Douglas. (f/f
celebrity sex) 10
* "A Midsummer Night's Dream - Some Additional Scenes" by
Ed Stauff (poetic parody) 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=240185905
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"The Store" by Emanuelle Soleil (emanuelle_eros@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=489605836
When people ask for reviews, I assume they really want one.
This story is not worth reading, unless you want to take a quick look at the
mind of a person who has a fantasy about being a slut. The author has done
nothing to develop any sort of plot, and the style is erratic rather than
erotic.
The author does have potential. Even as it is, this is not the worst "story" I
have ever reviewed. There is a certain spontaneity in the tone of the story
that leads me to believe that this author is capable of writing something worth
reading, if he/she ever decides to take a real shot at it.
As it is, you'll enjoy this story only if you get turned on by badly formulated
naughty thoughts.
Ratings for "The Store"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"The Office at Night" by Tiramisu (tiramixu@yahoo.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=454794309
This story focuses on the seductive interactions between an executive and a
clerical worker after hours at the office. Not much really happens, but the
interaction is quite interesting. By that I mean, if I saw this happening I
would very likely come home and tell my husband about it and consider it an
interesting little anecdote.
Oh - it has a surprise ending, unless you read my index closely and remember
what the descriptor said.
If the author of the previous story is still interested (or ever was), adopting
a style and focus like this story would be one way to make Emanuelle's next
story a lot better.
Ratings for "The Office at Night"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Springer Show on Modern Philosophy" by Janey (janey98@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=479622201
As I write this review, I have a song running through my head. However, the
only line I can really pin down is "...but he doesn't {or maybe it's don't} even
know that I exist}." Actually, that's a fairly common theme, I suppose. Maybe
even Barry Manilow has a song with that refrain.
That's the crux of the matter in this story. The guy has gone on the Jerry
Springer show to confront his girlfriend with the fact that it bothers him that
she doesn't even know that he exists. It's not that she runs around excessively
with other men; rather, she has a post-modernist philosophical perspective that
conflicts with his own Cartesian philosophy, which can be summed up by the
expression, "Coito ergo suk" - er, "Cogito ergo sum."
Todd tries to argue that the classical methodology of rational dialectic is
their only road to reconciliation, but the bald-headed security guy has to
keep them apart. The crowd boos, and we'd have a cat-fight, except that Todd is
a guy
This is a fun story, especially if you know anything at all about philosophy.
I became interested in philosophy when a prof in college paraphrased Heraclitus
as saying, "No man can have sex with the same woman twice." The philosopher
really expressed that concept, but he used the more mundane example of stepping
in a river to express the transitory nature of everything that exists. Later I
mastered Zeno's first paradox when my future husband replaced the tortoise and
the hare with a penis and a vagina, thus proving that no matter what we did, we
couldn't really have sex. Philosophy can be sexy!
So remember: take care of yourselves -- and each other.
Ratings for "Springer Show on Modern Philosophy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Eager Beaver" by Jenny Wanshel (chilly2@biosys.net)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470513613
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=470515628
This is the sequel to "Call Me Jailbait," a story by this author that I have
not read. This was a slight distraction, because the narrator keeps referring
to her activities with Bruce, which were apparently the subject of the previous
story. However, the missing information wasn't a serious distraction: it was
fairly easy to guess what she and Bruce had done, although it would be
interesting to know the details.
Jenny is a 15-year-old girl who has discovered the pleasures of sex and really
wants to get laid again. The main component of the present story is the project
she and her friend Cindy enter upon to get the school's best-hung stud to have
sex with them. They succeed, and the sexual activity is quite enjoyable to read
about.
The author has a great gift for telling a sexy story. She uses a combination of
clinical diagnosis and irreverent banter that is a real turn-on. I can assure
you that both my husband and I were really happy I reviewed this story.
My actual advice to 15-year-old girls is to avoid doing things like this. It
sounds like fun, but it rarely ends as happily as it does in this story. Being
a slut is not really all that great an idea. If necessary, just read this story
and tell people you did what they talk about in this story. Then find a really
great guy of your own when you are mature enough to be great lovers together.
That way works really well.
On the other hand, imagining you're a slut and reliving the adventures you
never had as a teenager CAN really be fun. And there's absolutely no harm in
doing so.
Ratings for "Eager Beaver"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"To Troll or Not to Troll" by Mighty Eri (mightyerik@windrivers.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=490727474
This isn't really a story. It's a joke - an anecdote with a punchline. It's
about a queen who travels to meet the king and has to either pay the troll at
the bridge a four-leaf clover or have sex with him. Since his cock is quite a
bit nobler than the king's, she's sorely tempted. And I am tempted to go ahead
and tell you the whole story, but I'll resist temptation more strongly than
does the queen in this story.
Had I written this story, I would have entitled it "For Whom the Belle Trolls."
Ratings for "To Troll or Not to Troll"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Fell On Black Days" by BlueWords (bluewords@yahoo.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=490856911
This is not really a sex story. Rather, it's a humorous little anecdote about
the a.s.s.* newsgroups. If you are not at all familiar with this group, you'll
have no idea what the author is ranting about. Even if you are familiar with
a.s.s., you may not be impressed. You have to pay close attention and be aware
of what the various authors write and how what this story attributes to each
author differs from that author's usual work.
Ratings for "Fell On Black Days"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Father's Day Fantasy" by Dreemluvr (news@thegap.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=490941244
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491627349
OK. I saw a Father's Day story and figured I'd read it for my husband on
Father's Day. After all, the Christmas stories are often pretty good; so why
wouldn't the Father's Day stories be equally good.
Because they're not; that's all. This is a really insipid, dumb story about a
mother and daughter who agree to let the daughter spend the night with Dad on
Father's Day. Mom and Jenny had been talking about sex and how scared Jenny was
to lose her virginity. Then they both thought about it for a bit and realized
how perfect it would be for Dad to be her first lover. Ergo, for Father's Day,
Jenny is giving herself to him completely and willingly. And with Mom's
blessing. That's about all there is to it. The story is "to be continued," but
I'll be damned if I'm going to look for the next installment.
Here's a joke that's better than this entire story:
One afternoon, little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can
little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not. Only grown women can be mommies."
Little Johnny thought for a moment, said "Okay, thanks mom", then ran back
outside. His mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay; we can play that
game again!"
Ratings for "Father's Day Fantasy"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"The Flight to God" by Shiloh (shiloh@mochamail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=485053742
I had been on a losing streak of sorts - several stories that hadn't turned me
on - some so bad that I didn't bother to write reviews of them. I was quickly
halfway through this one, and it looked like another loser.
But wait! A complete reversal in mid-story! The story turned sexy more quickly
than most people can fuck Jack Robinson. It's science fiction, and I don't feel
inspired to go through the whole set-up; but trust me: it turns erotic. Not
mind-blowing, cheerleader-humping, eager-beaver, witty sex; but a genuinely
interesting approach to eroticism.
In spite of the title, this story is not a religious experience - at least, not
unless you consider sex itself to be a religious experience.
Ratings for "The Flight to God"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Night Beauty - Erotic Fantasy" by Logic11 & NSGirls
(nsgirls@prometheus.dhs.org).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483953574
This isn't really a sex story. It's just stroke material. But there's a place
in the world for good stroke material.
The guy meets a sexy woman on the street and protectively escorts her to her
home. Then she comes on to him (or cums onto him) and they have great sex.
What erotic fantasy could be simpler than that?
Ratings for "Night Beauty "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Good Samaritan" by Ann Douglas (ann_douglas@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491492488
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491496236
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491499330
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491502630
In case you were wondering, this is not a biblical parable about a Jewish guy
who gets beat up and receives help from a stranger. It's about a college kid
who passes up a shot at a gang bang and helps a middle-aged woman when her car
breaks down. When the older woman talks to him afterwards, she discovers that
the guy was going along on the gang bang just to lose his virginity. What the
hell, she says, I can take care of that for you. And she does.
One of this author's greatest strengths is taking slightly unusual situations
and making them seem normal and extremely sexy. In this case we have an
18-year-old white kid with a 49-year-old black woman. A good time is had by
both.
Ratings for "The Good Samaritan"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Home Improvement - Jill Taylor's story continues" by Tnnn (no@spam.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=491796736
This is an expansion of "Home Improvement - Jill's Story" by Ann Douglas, which
I reviewed way back in September of 1995. In that story Jill had sex with Heidi
for the first time. This story continues that saga by having the pair have sex
for the second time, and apparently there are many more trysts to come.
The sex is good, and this story has the advantage that readers can visualize
two "real" people whom they know from television. However, the story has two
flaws. First, neither Heidi nor Jill act much at all like the act in the
television series. What that means is that about all we can transfer from the
series to this story is their physical appearances. Second, the author spends
too much time describing Jill's and Heidi's thoughts and too little time
describing their actions. The introspection is realistic, but it seemed to me
to be a bit overdone.
Ratings for "Home Improvement"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Midsummer Night's Orgy" by Vickie Morgan (artemis55@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492229475
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492229517
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492232506
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=492233421
When I saw this title, I thought I had already read this story. I checked my
records, and the story I was thinking of was "A Midsummer Night's Dream - Some
Additional Scenes" by Ed Stauff. That was an excellent story, and I'll repost
the review.
This one is completely different from the other. The basic setup is that the
three girlfriends made a promise to one another eight years ago to gather for
an orgy on the night of the last summer solstice of the millennium. They have
all gone their separate ways, but they have decided to get back together and
fulfill their promise. And so they are faced with the mundane task of preparing
for an orgy {a different sort of Y2K problem - eh?} and then bringing it off,
if you'll excuse the expression.
Orgies are hard to write about - but easy to make puns about, as the opening
clause of this sentence demonstrates. Let's just say that about twenty men and
the three women show up at the appointed time, and a good time is had by all.
An interesting twist is that each of the women reacts slightly differently to
the orgy experience.
Ratings for "Midsummer Night's Orgy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Magic Dust" by Artie (artie@netgate.net). Guest review by Homer Vargas.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448655291
This is my kind of story or would be if there were a story to it. Instead it
is a sweet extended scene of lovemaking in which the narrator is entranced by
his girlfriend with magic dust. I say there is no story because the loving
couple could have (presumably do) make love without the entrenchment.
Moreover, the girlfriend apparently can hypnotize the willing "victim" without
the aid of the magic dust, so the whole scene is rather pointless.
As a scene, it is well written. Detail and dialogue work together to paint a
pretty miniature. The characters are rather plain vanilla, but believable.
A few technical flaws reared their head. Of course, I must not mention finding
only one space between sentences (at least in the edition I got), but the word
"intense" and its variants were used nine times in less than three pages. I
also noticed several independent clauses joined by commas where at least a
semicolon was required and period and new sentence would have been better.
Ratings for "Magic Dust"
Venus 8
Athena 7
Homer 9
"A Jewell in the Desert" by Gentleman Jim (JimT11@juno.com). Guest review by
Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com).
The author prefaces his story with, "Typos and poor grammar are exclusively my
personal mistakes." Now, I'll admit, I usually don't pay too much attention to
either, unless something glaring jumps out at me. If you haven't figured it
out yet, there is a typo in the title. I know sometimes proofreaders can be
hard to find (I have a knack for sending them screaming into the night I
think), and the excitement of finishing a new piece can overwhelm an author. A
quick spell check should be a must though.
The story opens with the narrator (Bill) meeting a woman in a Las Vegas casino
bar. What I noticed immediately was the ages of the characters. It's a nice
change to see 55 year old Bill cast his eye towards 45 year old Julie. In
fact, as the story progresses and the two characters trade stories, Julie's age
is treated as part of who she is. It was actually a disappointment later when
a reference was made that she wouldn't look so good if it weren't for her
plastic surgeon. C'mon guys, not all trim, good-looking older women need
surgery to stay that way. (To be fair it is unclear if the comment is a truth,
or a comic defense to a compliment about her body.)
The story that follows is an explicit account of a weekend spent together while
the couple get to know each other. I'd probably use the term romance when
describing the story also. Julie turns out to be the woman Bill has been
looking for: someone both demure in public, and a tiger in the bedroom. I was
going to use another word, but it's not truly appropriate. A rather sweet
story, with a fair bit of sexual heat.
Ratings for "A Jewell in the Desert"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Deviation" by Kellis (kellis@dhp.com). Guest review by Tiramisu.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=458318562
Twin brothers, Larry and Barry come across the housemaid Hilda in their room,
kneeling near one of the beds. An interesting discussion ensues. They accuse
her of sniffing the come stains on their sheets. There are threats of the boys
telling their mother about Hilda sniffing the sheets, or Hilda telling the
mother about the boys jacking off. There are other things, too.
I'll leave it to you to read the story if you want more details, but I do feel
obligated to provide a caution. Even though there is no actual sex, there is
some discussion about sex, and some of what's discussed would squick some
readers if described in detail, and may be unpleasant as it is.
The writing wasn't bad, but it could have been better. There were a number of
places where the dialogue was a bit difficult to follow, with no paragraph
changes when the speaker changes. There were some paragraphs that seemed a bit
awkward or imprecise, like this one:
By habit the boys proceeded to replace their slept-in underwear with fresh, an
action involving brief periods of nudity, unconscious of the woman's presence.
Also by habit she surreptitiously observed them, pretending to fluff Barry's
pillow. They quickly donned long pants and long-sleeved shirts.
Brief periods of nudity? More than one brief period of nudity? Were they
really unconscious of her presence in the middle of a conversation with her?
"Unconscious" is a bit of a misplaced modifier - though it is clear whom it
refers to, it is quite far from "the boys". Were these really habits or just
common occurrences? Not to be overly picky, but this could have been better
written.
The plot wasn't bad, and Hilda was am interesting character, but the twins were
pretty much indistinguishable. Larry was depicted as "the leader, by fifteen
minutes seniority", but other than that the two were like one person.
I didn't like this story much. As I said, there is no actual sex , and while
the idea was imaginative, and plot and character were reasonably well
developed, I found some of the things discussed unpleasant, so I didn't find
it particularly enjoyable.
.
Ratings for "Deviation"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Tira (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Mousehount/Dragonslayer" by Beltorion (beltorion@aol.com). Guest Review by
Mary Jorsay Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=475779301
A neat little sex-tale this. Not much of a plot: A lovely girl phones a guy in
the middle of the night, asks him to come over and get rid of a mouse running
loose in her apartment (hence, Mousehunt). The guy obliges. Mission
accomplished, he, the knight in armor, is suitably rewarded by the lady.
Noblesse oblige and all that. Hence, Dragonslayer.
Some loose editing, but not obtrusive and, I imagine, easily missed or glossed
over. The sex - and there's a lot of it, lovingly detailed - is genuinely
erotic. The conversations and narrative are sexy when the occasion demands, and
hugely funny throughout. The author relishes puns, the more awful the better
and he's quite clever at his wordplay and apparently accomplished at his
swordplay, too.
Pun-ting his way through this tail, this pun-dit of humorous porn (surely
deserves a genre of its own, by the way) seldom drops a beat. The reader only
risks being infected by a severe case of pun-imonia (I've been afflicted, as
you see), but that's no reason the story should be pun-ished with a low rating.
Ergo:
Ratings for "Mousehount/Dragonslayer"
Athena (Techical Quality) : 9
Venus (Plot & Character) : 5
Mary (Appeal to reviewer) : 9
*"Home Improvement : Jill's Story" by Ann Douglas (ann_douglas@hotmail.com).
Have you ever noticed that winsome lass named Heidi who appears as the
assistant on the Tool Time shows on Home Improvement? I'll bet you thought she
was longing to get it on with Tim or Al or Wilson or maybe one of the kids.
Wrong!! In this story, she has passionate sex with Jill. As I've said before,
I enjoy good celebrity sex stories, because they permit me to imagine real
people behind the activities - even though those real people are fictional
people. This story doesn't need a lengthy review. If you'd like to read about
Heidi and Jill making tender love to one another, take a look at this story.
After I first posted this review, I received a letter of reprimand from a
person who was a much more avid fan of the show than I am. While admitting
that the sex was good in this story, he vehemently argued that Jill did not
correspond at all to the television character. Read it, and you be the judge
Ratings for "Home Improvement"
Athena (Technical Quality) : 9
Venus (Plot & Character) : 9
Celeste (Appeal to reviewer) : 10
* "A Midsummer Night's Dream - Some Additional Scenes" by Ed Stauff.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=240185905
This is really good stuff! (Pardon the weak pun on the author's name.) What
we have here are sexy lines that fit in almost perfectly with the spirit and
tempo of Shakespeare's play. Here are a few sample lines:
HER. Ye Gods, the size! However will it fit?
HEL. It has betimes. See, in it slides with ease.
O dearest dear Demetrius, you please
Me far beyond description.
DEM. Thou likewise.
and later:
HEL. In this our amorous play you may join
And yet not spend your precious virgin coin;
A hundred variations has the sport
Of love, we'll demonstrate a diff'rent sort.
I'll take in hand Demetrius' proud tool,
Still wet from bathing in my secret pool,
And guide it to another pair of lips
And from his fountain take lascivious sips.
Besides reading this for the pure, naughty enjoyment, there are many other uses
to which one can put this material. For example, when I was in college I had a
boorish snob of a classmate who really didn't know Jack Shit about Shakespeare.
It would have been easy (and fun) to insert these lines into her text when it
came time for her to read aloud. The lines are so cleverly written that they
look as genuinely Shakespearean as anything Francis Bacon ever wrote!
I'm not going to spend more time writing about this poetry. It's excellent;
and if you enjoy Shakespeare, you'll enjoy this parody
Ratings for "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
Athena (Technical Quality) : 10
Venus (Plot & Character) : 10
Celeste (Appeal to reviewer) : 10
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