Celestial Reviews 266 - March 14, 1998
Note: Two Texans were standing at the bar, drinking shots, when a woman
at the other end of the bar started to choke on a small piece of Bar-B-
Que Chicken she had ordered.
Tex said to Slim, "That gal looks like she's chokin' to death. Think we
should help her?"
Slim said, "Yes siree bob!" So Slim runs down to the lady and says,
"Can you speak?" She shakes her head no.
"Are you choking to death?" he asks. She nods her head yes. The lady
is turning blue. Slim spins the lady round and slams her chest into the
bar top. Bending her over he rips off her skirt. Then he rips off her
panties. Then Slim runs his tongue up the crack of her bare ass. With
this she gasps loudly, spitting out the chicken. She begins to breathe.
Slim walks back to the end of the bar and picks up his shot glass of
whiskey and proceeds to take a drink.
Tex says, "That's great Slim."
"Ain't nothing, kid," says Slim. "That old 'Hind Lick Maneuver' works
every time."
Second note: Tired of dumb blonde jokes? Here's a dumb blond (without
the e) joke:
Two blond men were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was
crying, tears pouring down his face.
The other blond man asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut
my finger."
The second man said, "So? That's no big deal!"
The first guy replied, "I have to take a urine test tomorrow."
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Breakfast of Champions" by Singnfool (wake-up call) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333183874
"Improvisation" by Mary Westbourne (quickie) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330253511
"Second Post" by LaGoddess (romance) 4, 5, 3
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333192808
"The Trap Door" by Lord Malinov (voyeurism & quickie)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333183821
"Innocence Not Lost" by Tristesssa (child sex-abuse) 6, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332744023
"An Outsider's Education" by fcp (romance & sexual emergence)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333790331
"An Ordinary Morning" by Thomas M. Carvett (quickie) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334051784
Guest Reviews:
"Night On Fire" by SR (cybersex)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330613612
"A Hope and A Prayer" by Generic Joe (light bdsm) 8, 9, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473316
"Look'n In" by Robert Steele (masturbation & voyeurism) 9, 9, 9
(Not Archived)
"Supergirl/Supra" by MD James (superhero rape) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333192766
Reposted Reviews:
* "Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (sex with a nun) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332726077
* "Supergirl and X" by MD James (superhero rape & sex) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333188407
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Breakfast of Champions" by Singnfool (Singnfool2@aol.com). For those
of you who live far from General Mills, I'll point out that the
Breakfast of Champions is Wheaties. For those of us who rarely ingest
liquor, I'll point out that "Breakfast of Champions!" is often a sort of
clever quasi-toast uttered by drinkers before they gulp down a martini
or whatever it is they are drinking. In the present story the term
refers to the ingestion of a thicker substance shortly after a comely
lass has been tenderly and ecstatically awakened from a peaceful repose
by her lover.
This is a very short but very good little story.
Ratings for "Breakfast of Champions"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Improvisation" by Mary Westbourne (mwestbourne@hotmail.com). This is a
very short but extremely well-written story about a women who interrupts
her work-riddle husband in the midst of his activity at the computer and
finds something better for him to do. He "improvises" - essentially
incorporating her into a sort of in vivo multimedia presentation - for
example, by putting the mouse ball to a use to which it is not
accustomed - indeed, a use that is not even hinted at in any computer
manual I have ever seen.
This is an extremely well-written story, incorporating elements of bdsm,
technology, genuine affection, and spontaneity into a very pleasant
reading experience.
Ratings for "Improvisation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Second Post" by LaGoddess (LaGoddessa@aol.com).
The author wrote, "This is my second post, let me know what your think,
LaGod."
OK. Here's what I think, LaGod. I think if you expect other people to
read what you write, you should have the courtesy to put some effort
into yourwriting. It's OK to write a first draft like this one, but
before you post it to a public audience, you should have the ingenuity
to look at it a second time and make it say what you REALLY want it to
say. I suspect you have an interesting story to tell, but what you have
posted says that you are a disingenuous klutz whose writing is not worth
reading.
You wrote: " Not that most guys weren;t worth the effort to get to know.
Nor were most girls, come to think of it." What the hell does that
mean?
You wrote: " SO we became best friends...." Am I to surmise that I am
supposed to emphasize the word SO when I read it? Of course not; the SO
is a simple accidental capitalization error, which has gone unnoticed
because you're too damned lazy or arrogant to correct the mistake.
You wrote, "We had a bet on how to spend Spring break." What does that
mean? Was there a wager? DID you win the wager or lose it? Did you
get a little annoyed by my DID at the beginning of the previous
sentence? Did it ever occur to you that when you write something a
reader might be interested in knowing what it means?
I think if you would have simply taken the time to reread this trash,
you would have probably noticed it was gibberish, and maybe you would
have made the necessary changes to say what you intended to say.
Thanks for asking.
P.S. Read the review of the next story. Your story might be as good as
that one, if you took the time to write it properly.
Ratings for "Improvisation"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"The Trap Door" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). Ted has planned
a romantic weekend getaway with Brenda. But Ivan asks him to drop off
some information with Shelley and to go over it with her before he
leaves town. But when Ted drops by Shelley's apartment, she's not
expecting him; in fact, she's all hot and bothered about something. She
excuses herself for a few minutes, and then Ted overhears her having
telephone sex with Ray. In fact, she's on the phone with Ray, telling
him that Ted is driving her into sexual ecstasy.
What's a guy to do? And if he does, what's a girl to do? And if they
do, what's the other girl to do? I think we have the basic framework of
a country-western song here. Shania, if you're reading this, you can
have it.
MY ending would have been for Ted to continue listening from the hall,
jerk off exuberantly, take his leak in the bathroom, discuss the data
with Shelley after she had one or more rapturous orgasms and Ray had
shot his wad at an undisclosed location, and then go off for a wild and
sexy weekend with Brenda.
You'll have to read the story to see Malinov's ending. I still liked
mine better; and if Shania ever uses this for a song, she'll have to add
either a bus station or a damned ole rodeo.
Ratings for "The Trap Door"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Innocence Not Lost" by Tristesssa (Tristesssa@aol.com). This is a
story about a 5- to 6-year-old girl who gets molested by her
grandfather. The awkward grammar could be improved with the help of a
proofreader. The spellcheck does not solve all the problems; for
example, we still have "fallow" (which happens to be a word), in place
of "follow."
In addition, the story is sometimes logically incoherent. We know that
the child is crying and that she says she hates her grandfather for what
he is doing; but at the end she says she enjoyed those interludes with
her grandfather. Such ambivalence is realistic in situations of child
abuse; but it is reasonable to expect emotions to be expressed a little
more clearly than this.
This is not a sexy story, but it is a poignant story. If this is, in
fact, a true story (as it purports to be), this victim should see a
counselor. The feelings of ambivalence and guilt that are associated
with such activities can be controlled, but usually not without
professional help.
Ratings for "Innocence Not Lost"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"An Outsider's Education" by fcp (fcp2718@poboxes.com). Set in the
exotic environment of Princeton University during March Madness, this is
a romantic story about strangely normal college students falling in love
and having sex for the first time. You'll probably understand the story
a little better if you know something about basketball {otherwise you'll
miss the irony of Princeton students, who are actually students, playing
in a major tournament against professional amateurs from the rest of the
United States) and "the black experience" in America {otherwise you'll
miss a major part of Tracy's emotional background}. However, even if
you are uninformed regarding this topics, you can use this story as a
pleasant entry-point to expand your cultural horizons.
For perfectly good reasons, Tracy has grown deeply attached to Don; and
for perfectly good reasons she says no when he suggests they make love.
For equally good reasons, her refusal stresses Tracy out, and her two
closest friends counsel her. In the process everyone discloses details
about their adolescent sexual experiences. The eventual first time
between Tracy and Donald is extremely sexy and romantic.
Cultural footnotes: "That's all right, that's okay. You're going to
work for us someday!" That's Princeton's informal official cheer.
"Hope springs eternal in the human breast...." That's in either the
Constitution or "Casey at the Bat."
The most realistic passage in this story is this brief one: ""Oh no, not
Dick Vitale! Get the ear-plugs!" {Note to foreigners: DV is a loud-
mouthed, demonstrably ignorant basketball announcer who uses
abbreviations in absurd situations. His advice to prevent pregnancy
would be, "OK, baybeee. No S tonight without a C."}
This story is not perfect: for example, I think the resolution of
Tracy's relationship with her mother is hasty and contrived. But this is
an exceptionally good story. Don't miss it!
Ratings for "An Outsider's Education"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"An Ordinary Morning" by Thomas M. Carvett (tcarvett@earthlink.net).
This is one of those short little snippets that are not really a full
story but serve to get the reader's imagination going. It's about a man
and a woman talking about both trivial and important things prior to
copulation prior to a ride to work. This all sounds ordinary (hence the
title), but the author makes it seem a lot more interesting.
Ratings for "An Ordinary Morning"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Night On Fire" by SR (parasol_60@yahoo.com). This review is the
personal opinion of Kim, who can be contacted at ghost@nym.alias.net
Every so often a story will come along that is almost impossible to
review in the conventional manner. I have found this story by SR to be a
case in point.
It's basically the transcript of a chat room session between various
folk that wander in and out of the conversation, in the usual semi-
incoherent manner that are chat rooms.
It's almost impossible to tell if this is a real transcript or a
cleverly written copy of one. Not that I'm a real expert, as I've only
tried chat rooms a few times and found them unbearably tedious places to
be.
So for somebody to create a flawless reproduction of something I find
numbingly boring is perhaps unfortunate. It is for this reason that I
will not give any ratings. I don't think the normal rules of grammar and
plotting have any meaning. And, as I've said, I think to give a
reviewers appeal score to something this alien to me, would be
disingenuous to say the least.
Even for a normal chat-roomer (hey I just made up a word!), I would
think it's a bit like watching other people play chess. Fine for the
most ardent fans, but hardly a spectator's sport for the rest of us.
At nearly fifty pages of this stream of consciousness I was beginning to
fall asleep, and completely lost any interest in the comings and goings
of these strangers. However, right at the end, it picked up enormously
as two of the women snuck off to a private chat session. Then the
conversation became much more animated and interesting. I've no idea if
SR is male or female, but whoever wrote the last section sure has a good
understanding of female thinking and sensibilities.
Ratings for "Night On Fire"
Athena (technical quality): - (Brilliant copy of the real thing)
Venus (plot & character): - (Not remotely relevant)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): - (Liked the last section, bored silly by
the first)
"A Hope and A Prayer" by Generic Joe (genericjoe@vnet.net). Guest review
by Mark Aster.
This is a nice light bdsm story, with some good sex and some interesting
characters. I won't give you all the details. A friend of mine pointed
out recently that each reader has the chance to read a story for the
first time only once, and I don't want to steal that chance from you
with this review. Not that it has a surprise ending or a twist or
anything like that; it's just that any story that's at all good is
especially nice the first time through, leaping out at you from behind
an armoire.
The basic layout: the (male) narrator is hauled into court for driving
with a suspended license, and he notices that the judge is the same
fascinating Domme that he met the other day at an informal gathering of
local bdsm fans. She imposes a light official sentence, on the
condition that he come to her chambers later, to pay the fine in person.
He does. Fun things happen. I found the sex scenes (one recalled, one
in narrative time) pleasant, if not amazingly hot.
This is not dark bdsm, not humiliation stuff. These are friendly and
rational people, who just happen to have noticed that pain can play an
important part in really hot and orgasmic sex, and that consensual
control-games can add spice to it. It is, if you will, the vanilla
version of spanking and domination. It sounds like fun to me! But if
you're looking for people actually being nasty to each other, or even
seriously pretending to, you'll have to look elsewhere.
The Numbers:
Athena: 8 (fine writing, a bit of its/it's and lie/lay confusion
and stuff)
Venus: 9 (nicely-drawn characters; lady judges are good fantasy
figures!)
Mark: 8 (I would have liked a bit less setup and more sex, but I'm
greedy)
"Look'n In" by Robert Steele (shiva@thenet.net). Guest review by Father
Angelico.
{Father Angelico purports to have a cable TV show on the Internal Word
Television Network. The IWTN appears to be nonsensical, and should
probably not be viewed by people who are easily beguiled by lunatics.
Comments inserted in brackets are mine.}
This is a story about perverts -- vile, wicked, depraved, degenerate
perverts. A man comes home unexpectedly from his night shift at work
and finds his wife masturbating in front of the window. Watching her
from next-door and engaged in a similar activity are the neighbor lady
and her son. Does the man tell them to stop? No; instead he gets his
camcorder and tapes the activities.
Such a waste of semen I have never seen! Bulging cocks, hardened
nipples - where has modesty gone? You don't see me or Mother Angelica
doing this -- nor can you even imagine it!
I had hope for this story when David invited Diane and her son over for
dinner. "Feeding the hungry" is a Corporal Work of Mercy. You can look
it up! At 6:00 - right after vespers, I would presume. But soon they
are watching the videotape that David had made and engorging in all
sorts of vile and sordid activities. Spilling seed like hedonistic
pagans.
Even though David's modest 7-inch penis is much shorter than my own,
this was still a despicable story, with all its grunting and groaning
and climaxing! This is chapter two of the author's "Mom's Hot" series,
which I assumed was about my coworker Mother Angelica, with whom I can
honestly say I have never shared an impure thought. I assume the other
chapters in this series are equally vile. Blessed are we who just say
NO to sex!
Ratings for "Look'n In"
{Note from Celeste: simply subtract the padre's scores from 10, and
you'll get a reasonable approximation of Venus and Celeste.}
Grammar (technical quality): 9 (Even the devil can do good
grammar!
Purity (plot & character): 1 (Lead us not into temptation!)
Holiness (appeal to reviewer): 1 (Woe unto thee....!)
"Supergirl/Supera" by MD James (d2beast@aol.com) Guest review by Sandman
(sandman@bitsmart.com).
{Superhero Rape}
When I was growing up Supergirl was pretty much the feminine equivalent
of Superman - faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall
buildings, etc., etc. These days I guess Supergirls are protomater
shapeshifters with telekinetic powers. Or at least Supergirl was a
protomater shapeshifter with telekinetic powers before she was magically
merged with an ordinary human. This isn't really a complaint. I mean
if my Supergirl can fly faster than a speeding bullet then it's not so
much of a stretch for MD James' Supergirl to have telekinetic powers.
"Supergirl/Supra" is a huge story at over 160K and is a sequel to
"Supergirl and X" which was originally published back in February of
1997. I've never read the original; and though the author strongly
suggests reading the original before reading this story, I decided to
ignore that advice at least initially. For a review I thought it would
be best from a readers perspective to see how the story works without
the benefit of the original. "Supergirl/Supra" does stand very well on
it's own and I got through the story with almost no problems. I then
went back and read the original and found that it added new layers to
the sequel. So while it's possible to enjoy this story on it's own,
chances are most people will enjoy it even more if they read the
original first.
This story begins with Supergirl merged with Linda, a fifty year old
(with the body and attitude of a seventy year old). Supergirl of course
is now retired and all our other DC favorites (Superman, Batman,
Batgirl, etc.) are also old, retired, or just plain gone. Linda has a
daughter, Kara who we discover has super powers as well when Linda
catches Kara doing a bit of super masturbation. Then Linda/Supergirl
finds a porno flick of Supergirl being distributed on the Internet! But
Supergirl can't remember engaging in such unseemly acts and it certainly
appears to be her! A bit of digging and the story moves on to a final
confrontation between Supergirl, Kara (Superbabe/Supra), Lex Luthor, and
Demonica. I won't spoil the ending by describing how it all turns out.
The sex in this story wasn't really as effective as I could have hoped
for, considering the painstaking detail that went into the rest of the
story. The most detailed sex was described when Supergirl was being
raped and the effect of that was muted by the suspense the story had
managed to create (it was also muted by my personal dislike for N/C sex
-- but this did not play a factor in my scores for this story).
In Athena I'm an easy reviewer and since all the verbs were properly
tensed and the only thing dangling was a fourteen inch penis I'm marking
this a 10. Generally the plot is well contrived and flows very nicely.
There is one inconsistency that I could not ignore however. When
Supergirl is captured and she's being raped to transfer her powers to
Lex's Daughter, all Supergirl had to do to put a stop to it was
transform back into Linda. Oh sure the human Linda would be in Lex's
evil clutches but the world would be safe from an evil super being with
all of Supergirls powers. I'm knocking off another point because to me
Supergirl really wasn't all that super in this story.
In personal appeal I'm marking the story with an eight which follows my
disappointment with the plot. I will append this mark by stating that
those who are really into superhero sex would probably mark this story a
10.
Ratings for "Supergirl/Supra"
Athena (technical quality): 10 -- Perfect.
Venus (plot & character): 8 -- Could have been more super.
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 8-- Enjoyable but could have been better.
* "Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). I guess sex-
with-nun stories are interesting mostly because nuns are taboo. It's fun
to fantasize having sex with a person normally considered to be off-
limits or to imagine these presumably asexual beings having dirty
thoughts. I am a graduate of Catholic education, and I have a close
friend who was a nun for a long time; and I enjoy some of these nun-sex
stories immensely.
Having said that I enjoy these stories, I also hasten to point out that
they are mostly fantasy; that is, they require an extreme suspension of
disbelief. For example, last month I gave my top rating to a story
called "Conventional Sex," in which a teenage boy gets stuck for the
night in a convent and has wild sex with the nun in whose room he hides.
I truly doubt that the author of that story had first-hand or even-
second hand information on which to base that story. In other words, it
was a hilarious and sexy fantasy, but I doubt that anything close to it
has ever happened. Ditto for "Temptation," the next story in this issue
of CR: to "believe" that story you have to accept the notion that a
critter called an incubus can appear and disappear, change forms, and
exercise physical and spiritual control over an emotionally distressed
nun who can't think of any way to avoid the danger. In other words,
it's a thought-provoking, borderline blasphemous fantasy that has just
about as much relation to reality as the movie "E.T."
The present story is different. From what I know about nuns {we'll call
it second-hand experience}, this one is actually a real-life
possibility. The nun bums a ride on a sailboat to the Virgin Islands.
She falls into serious conversation with her male companion, discloses
that she is taking a leave of absence to "find herself," describes her
past experiences, and eventually makes hot and tender love to him.
When I say that this story is realistic, I don't mean to suggest that it
is autobiographical. I doubt that the author really "fucked a nun and
lived to talk about it." What I think happened is this: The author is
a person who enjoys writing about emerging sexual feelings and the
sexual explorations of children and adolescents. One day he watched a
movie like "The African Queen," and he said to himself, "Wouldn't it be
interesting if these two people were on a sailboat to an exotic place
and if the woman were a nun and if the sex were explicit rather than
implied? The nun could talk about her adolescent and pre-convent sexual
experiences and about her current feelings. The guy could be
understanding and supportive and reveal his own feelings and
experiences. We'll see where things go from there." And thus this story
was born.
It may not have been "The African Queen"; maybe it was "Heaven Loves Mr.
What's His Name" or one of those other stories where a relatively naive
woman is marooned with or travels with a more worldly man. My point
here is that this is a good way to generate stories: find a good plot
and "steal" it. It's not plagiarism or a copyright violation to adapt
someone else's basic story, as long as you really do make it your own by
diverging from the basic idea and developing the plot and characters
along unique lines. Some of the most "original" stories in both world
and erotic literature (and in the movies) have been developed in this
way. Give it a try! But meanwhile, read and enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Sister Mary Joseph"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Supergirl and X" by M D James (d2beast@aol.com). At the beginning of
the story we learn that Supergirl has been infatuated with Lex Luthor.
Can this be true? Isn't Lex Luthor an evil person? Holy
Ambivalence.... Ooops! That's the wrong superhero.
In the present episode Supergirl pursues Luthor, but he tortures her
with his Orgasmatron. Then Lex Luthor fucks Supergirl - well, not
really Lex Luthor - actually X Luthor, one of those X-Men, of comic book
fame, who has taken on the appearance of Lex. In some weird sense,
Supergirl is even X's mother.
I have to admit that I am not up to date on my comic book literature.
This story was full of allusions to people I knew not of. I felt like I
was in a comic book version of one of T.S. Eliot's poems.
Ratings for "Supergirl and X"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: INDEFINITE PRONOUNS. An indefinite pronoun is
one that does not refer to a SPECIFIC person or thing. The most common
indefinite pronouns are ALL, ANY, ANYBODY, ANYONE, ANYTHING, EACH,
EITHER, EVERYBODY, EVERYONE, EVERYTHING, NEITHER, NOBODY, NONE, NO ONE,
SOME, SOMEBODY, SOMEONE, and SOMETHING. The reason these are worth
worrying about is that it makes a difference whether the indefinite
pronoun is singular or plural, since this will influence verb and
pronoun agreement.
Anyone with a live cock IS welcome to join me in the bedroom.
All the men with live cocks ARE welcome to join me in the
bedroom.
The good news is that it's usually possible to get these right, simply
because the right usage "sounds" correct. The even better news is that
even if you get these wrong, nobody except an English teacher is likely
to notice or care. In other words, if in real life a man says to a
woman, "None of us are man enough to make you happy," you'll have a
grammar mistake; but she'd be much more likely to have noticed the
problem had you said, "We ain't got very big cocks."
It's still a good idea to write as perfectly as possible, and so I'll
now try to summarize the rules. In general, most of these indefinite
pronouns are singular. That is, they refer to a single person or thing.
SOMEBODY is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
NOBODY is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
ANYONE who sucks my cock is going to get her brains fucked
out tonight.
NEITHER of you is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
The main exceptions are ALL, ANY, SOME, and NONE. These words are
sometimes singular and sometimes plural, depending on the context in
which they are used.
Each of these words is singular when it refers to a continuous quantity
of something. (This usage sounds complicated, but it's easy, as the
following examples show.)
None of the cum WAS left in my hair after I showered.
According to our prenuptial agreement, none of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
Some of the cum WAS still left in my hair after I showered.
According to our prenuptial agreement, any of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
According to our prenuptial agreement, all of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
Except in the case cited above, ALL and SOME are always plural.
Some of you guys ARE going to have to wait till after lunch
to lick my pussy.
All the guys I have ever made love to ARE cumming at the
reunion.
That leaves the two hard ones: NONE and ANY.
The correct usage of NONE is a bit complicated; but if you think it over
carefully, you can usually get it right. NONE usually means "no single
one" or "not even one." When the word is used in this sense, it takes
singular verbs and pronouns.
None of the men HAS offered to let his wife join the orgy.
None of you IS man enough to make me really happy.
NONE is also singular when it means "no amount of" or "no part of," when
the speaker is referring to a continuous quantity of something. This
usage was described above.
Use a plural verb and pronouns wit NONE only if the sense is "not any"
when several are expected - that is, when NONE means "no number of
persons or things."
None of the slaves agree on the best way to lick
their queen's pussy.
This can be very useful information. If each of the following speakers
is using grammar correctly, the listener would in one case be discussing
an orgy (or at least several successive partners) and in the other a
tryst with a single individual.
None of you is going to sleep with me tonight. (single individual)
None of you are going to sleep with me tonight. (potential orgy)
To put it another way:
None of you IS man enough to make me really happy. (single
individual)
None of you ARE men enough to make me really happy. .
(potential orgy)
The best way to ascertain which should be used, is to examine the logic
of the original (or contrary) expectation. This sounds complicated, but
in practice, it's not:
None of you IS going to sleep with me tonight. ("You think ONE
of you is going to sleep with me. That's not true.")
None of you ARE going to sleep with me tonight. ("You think
SOME of you are going to sleep with me. That's not true.")
The use of ANY is exactly parallel to that of NONE. The verb and
pronoun agreement with ANY is often easier to ascertain, because the
logic is more apparent. If ANY refers to ONE unspecified person, it's
singular; otherwise, it's plural.
If any of you IS the one who slept with me last night, you
can return my panties when you are finished sniffing them.
Any of you IS man enough to make me really happy.
Any of you who have a live cock are going to have a chance
to sleep with me before the end of summer camp.
If any of you IS going to sleep with me tonight, he should brush
his teeth after supper. (You think it's likely or reasonable
that only one person will do so.)
If any of you ARE going to sleep with me tonight, they should
brush their teeth after supper. (You are expecting an orgy
or at least a major menage.)
Note that some of these same words can be used as adjectives, but then
the agreement problem is simplified, because the word that the adjective
modifies will be either singular or plural.
Any men who WANT to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
Each man who WANTS to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
Every man who WANTS to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
In even the most difficult case, all you have to do is (1) be logical
and (2) reword to avoid complexity. For example, NOBODY is singular.
The dictionary says so. Take this example:
Nobody except English teachers IS ever going to care about
my grammar during foreplay.
Technically, the subject is singular, and the singular verb is correct.
We can see this if we omit the prepositional phrase:
Nobody IS ever going to care about my grammar during
foreplay.
However, the original sentence simply SOUNDS wrong; and it sounds even
more wrong to me if I put it in the past tense:
Nobody except English teachers WAS ever going to care about
my grammar during foreplay.
The problem here is logical. If the prepositional phrase is citing
plural exceptions, then the subject must also be plural. But NOBODY is
singular. The dictionary says so. The way to solve the problem is to
make the exception singular:
Nobody except an English teacher IS ever going to care about
my grammar during foreplay.
BOTH and EACH. BOTH is plural. EACH is singular. The distinction
between these words is worth noting. Misuse can get you in trouble,
even with people who are not English teachers.
Both of us ARE eager to get into her pants.
Each of us IS eager to get into her pants.
EACH is so singular that it can make a compound subject have a singular
verb and pronoun references.
Each infielder and outfielder IS going to get HIS shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
EVERY works the same way.
Every infielder and outfielder IS going to get HIS shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
Oddly enough, if EACH is moved to a location after the compound subject,
the verb and pronoun references become plural. {Note that the exact
meaning of the sentence also changes.} Who said English isn't a bizarre
and wonderful language?
The infielder and outfielder each ARE going to get their shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
EACH OTHER and ONE ANOTHER. EACH OTHER refers to reciprocal activity
between two persons; ONE ANOTHER to reciprocal activity among three or
more persons.
We made love to EACH OTHER last night. ( A couple)
We made love to ONE ANOTHER last night. (Orgy or menage)