Celestial Reviews 254 - January 31, 1998
Note: Several people called this a.s.s.d. spam to my attention:
> Celeste's sex-drive is insatiable!!!
>
> Celeste is just one of the sexy cybersluts
> you'll meet at SEXYPUSSY! Celeste loves to
> get eaten by her girlfriend & She wants YOU
> to watch --- Just check out the site--
>
> http://www.sexypussy.com
It's not me! Honest.
Second note: We're trying to work story links into these reviews. Both
your patience and your feedback will be appreciated.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"LeAnn Rimes - A Bodyguard's Tale" by El Diablo (sex with
teenage celebrity) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7870.txt
"Unholy Passage" by Phil Phantom (Christians become sluts)
10, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7742.txt (1/2)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7743.txt (2/2)
"On the Run" by The Bear (sex in a cave) 10, 8, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7935.txt
http://www.io.com/~thebear/mytext/misc/improv3.htm
"Pause that Refreshes" by OddManOut Anywhere (humiliating
problem) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7327.txt (1/2)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7328.txt (2/2)
Guest Reviews:
"The Dancer's Debut" Joe Jasper (first time) 8, 8, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7639.txt
"Meeting in May" by Richard La Fond (cyberlovers meet)
9, 8, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7774.txt
"Summer In Bavaria" by Tom (adolescent mm sex) 8, 8, 6
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7773.txt
"You Can Never Go Home Again" by SandMan (Horatio Alger
sex) 8, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7691.txt
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Passing of Seasons" by Linda B (emerging adolescence
& hot ff sex)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7885.txt
* "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic" by PleaseCain
(applied sex ed with mom) 10, 8, 7
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7983.txt
* "January 96" by PleaseCain (warm-up for a cold day)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7984.tx
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"LeAnn Rimes - A Bodyguard's Tale" by El Diablo.
LeAnn Rimes is not my favorite singer - that'd be Pam Tillis, of
course; but I have had some good times while the teenage C&W
singer has supplied the background music in our bedroom. My
husband was already in love with her voice before he discovered
that she was only 14 years old.
I've hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And I know that time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love
To me
To...
Ooooooooooh.
It just doesn't sound like a teenager when she sings that song.
My own favorite is "Sure Thing"; but the point here is that it's
easy to imagine an adult bodyguard falling in love with a kid like
this. The combination of naive innocence and sexy presentation of
adult emotions is LeAnn's natural selling point, and that's also
the stuff of pedophile stories.
First the bodyguard saves her life, then he takes her to Disney
World, and then he finds her cuddled in his arms in the middle of
the night, afraid of the Florida lightning. What's a guy to do
with a young lady who hungers for his touch and needs his love? As
the song says, what this guy's got coming is a sure thing.
I had better lay off the C&W allusions. I'm better at jokes:
***
"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get
married, please."
"All right, what is your age?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And the age of the bride?"
"She's 15, sir."
"Fifteen??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"
"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to
the fella next to her with the shotgun?"
***
This story presents an excellent sex fantasy. Fantasy? Heck,
it's probably closer to truth than some of those things you read
in the supermarket tabloids!
Ratings for "A Bodyguard's Tale"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Unholy Passage" by Phil Phantom (slutmissy@hotmail.com).
Cynthia and her four young children have booked passage on a freighter
to join her husband as a missionary on a distant continent. A missionary
family should emit exemplary behavior, I suppose; but for centuries
there have been rumors that children of holy people tend to have evil
proclivities. And so it is. The kids are showing signs of early
adolescent brattiness. The sailors have already begun to leer at them
before the boat has even cast off to sea. Can anyone guess from the
title what's likely to happen in this story?
I'll give you a hint. They got on the wrong ship. The Crusaders for
Christ Mission had booked them for the Miramar, but they got on the
Miracopa. Big mistake. The captain expects them to work to earn their
passage. But what can a mother and four kids who don't even wear
underwear do to earn their passage. Let's go back to the title again:
Unholy Passage. Maybe they'll cook meals for those guys with the huge
erections.
Actually, things may not be so bad. As I suggested in the final
sentence of the preceding paragraph, there were signs that the crew
members were glad to see them. And the captain's rules are fairly
reasonable: No one will rape anyone. On the other hand, Cynthia won't
interfere with nature. She is just another member of the crew, as are
her kids. She can mother the baby, but that's it. She can't tell
anyone what they can and cannot do. In short, since "sexual harassment"
is not even a term that is found in maritime law, she is up a shit crick
without a paddle - a term that occurs frequently but informally in all
courts of law. She succumbs, and then pretty much everyone else succums.
The family arrives in Calcutta two months after their departure from LA,
a month late. The husband has been wired from Indonesia, and so he was
waiting on the dock. He greets his lost family, unaware that within
each womb, a new family member is growing. Five months later, the
family--minus its spiritual leader--boards a liberty ship in Indonesia,
bound for LA.
The style of this story is good. As the disclaimer says, " This story
promotes nothing, and nothing in this story should be taken seriously."
The assumptions are a bit simplistic; but once we grant that a mother
would quickly and easily succumb to the captain's demands in order to
protect her family, that she would undergo a complete and immediate
personality change, and that all the kids would instantly become horny
sluts, the story makes pretty good sense.
Ratings for "Unholy Passage"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"On the Run" by The Bear (TheBear@nospam.io.com).
A man and a woman are fleeing from pursuers through a swamp. They find
a cave, crawl into it, and make love.
This is a very vivid description, but it's not a whole story. When I
finished reading it, I felt as if I had walked into another classroom in
which a good movie was playing, watched only two minutes of hot action,
and then left. Of course, the hot action would focus on economic
activities in Europe in the eighteenth century, not the sort of things
mentioned in this story. When that sort of thing happens to me, I'm
always glad when it was a good movie rather than a bad one; but it would
be much nicer to catch a whole story.
Ratings for "On the Run"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Pause that Refreshes" by OddManOut Anywhere (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).
This is a story about Jenny getting drilled. Literally. Well, not
quite literally. Actually it's the Coke bottle that gets drilled. This
is necessary, of course, because excessive thrusting has caused a vacuum
that inhibits the natural removal of that flask from Jenny's vagina,
where it had been serving one of the secondary purposes of Coke bottles,
a purpose more typically served by a zucchini, a carrot, or an engorged
phallus.
In other words, this story is about the sort of problem that a
hormonally imbalanced teenager in high school would think about during a
really boring physics lecture. Or a horny girl in a Catholic college
for that matter.
This is really a nostalgic story. As the saying goes, "They don't make
Coke bottles like that anymore." Modern coke bottles are made of
plastic, typically holding two or three liters, and most American women
don't even have metric vaginas.
Anyway, Jenny was masturbating with a Coke bottle, and simple laws of
physics made it impossible for her to remove it; and now she is
wandering around practically naked with the neighbor kids and the old
guy next door watching, trying to find the right tool to remove the
damned thing.
In case you're wondering - you know what you REALLY have to do if you
get a Coke bottle stuck up your cunt - or up your ass, for that matter -
don't you? You have to go to the hospital emergency room; and it's even
more humiliating than wearing dirty underpants when you're in an
automobile accident. Your mother may have been the one who warned you
about the underpants; but the people at the hospital emergency room have
all the good stories about Coke bottles, large salamis, and medium-sized
rodents. I wouldn't kid you about things like this. The worst part is
that nowadays the emergency ward janitor as likely as not will blab the
whole thing all over the Internet, where your humiliation will come to
the attention not only of your parents but even of the pope and whoever
puts together the newsletter for your 25th-anniversary high-school
reunion. You'll eventually wind up being the punchline in a joke that
ends with, "Who's the person with the bottle up his/her ass/cunt
standing next to the pope on the balcony?"
Just imagine how embarrassing it would be if you were in an accident
with a Coke bottle up your cunt or ass! That's why this is labeled "a
cautionary tale."
Come to think of it, this story presents a problem that could appear on
one of those creativity tests: "Imagine that you have a Coke bottle up
your cunt {just to make the gender bias work in favor of girls for a
change}. Describe how you would remove it, using only items that are
found in your house."
Fortunately, KY sterile lubricant is an item in my house, and I'll bet
it would work. KY is useful not only for inserting things into tight
places, but also for removing things from the aforesaid tight places.
Once my daughter was trying to raise the seat on her bicycle, to no
avail. I approached the bike with my tube of KY, liberally lubricated
the pipe on the bottom of the seat, and yanked. Off came the seat! My
daughter said, "Hey! I'll have to get some of that stuff some day." I
said, "Yes, maybe you will."
My main criticism of the story is that it over-emphasizes metric
measurement, as when the bottle emerges millimeter by millimeter. It
would be better to use a more universally understood expression for a
very small distance. For example, "The bottle barely moved the distance
of a cunt hair."
Ratings for "Pause that Refreshes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Dancer's Debut" Joe Jasper (joe@nmpnet.net). Guest Review by
Sven the Elder.
I have this tiny problem (no stop peeking!!) - Celeste found me a
story, a quite sexy story as well, and I'm bored! That's a
dreadful thing to say about a story, so I'd better qualify things
a little. The problem is really that this is a hackneyed,
subject. 'First times' have been 'done' many times by a lot of
authors, it has reached the stage where I suspect that around half
of the 'Celestial List of Credulous Assumptions' have come from
'First time stories'. Hey out there - authors all - if you
haven't looked these assumptions up and giggled at them, do so.
For those of us who have and been embarrassed to have found that
we also have used them, in the past I hasten to add, they spoil a
story.
'The Dancers Debut' is not a bad story - please don't get me
wrong. It is well written and spell checked, the grammar is good
and the style fair, the story is written as a 'he' / 'she' style
which I personally don't care for, but then as a reviewer, I don't
let that worry me in the final analysis. It's just, well, virgins
don't normally behave like this during their first serious sexual
excursions - and I'm sorry, guys, if you think they do - dream on!
Neither do measurements matter; again I think that's a trap we all
fall into at the start of writing a story for this ng, but they
don't matter - honest. Not even in real life, it ain't what you
got; it's the way that you use it. The more believable we can
make our stories, the more we can relate to them, the more our
readers will enjoy them. That should be the skill of the author -
weave a little magic - don't let your reader think - "That's
silly! I would never do that." or whatever. Blend your experience
of real life into the situation you have created, *make* the
reader believe you. That's the challenge. You'll know if you've
succeeded. Quite a few of the regular authors who post here have
said that sometimes they are surprised by the way there characters
appear to take on a life of their own. The characters end up
'writing' the story - it happens.
Joe's Story is that of a young lady (BTW Joe your codes should
have been MF - mf is teenager at best, yet the lady is 21) who
decides she is going to become a woman. She chooses her 'stud' and
they have it away in various ways. I am slightly worried about
the closing line. It didn't mean to me quite what the author
meant it to, but then that just might be me.........
Sorry, Joe; the story ends up as quite good, quite hot, and quite
enjoyable. Please don't lose heart, search out the Credulous
assumptions that Celeste has posted, read them out to yourself,
and have a giggle. Out of the context of a story some of them are
truly cringeworthy and very funny. (BTW if you can't find them
send me an e-mail and I'll be happy to forward them to you I keep
a copy to remind me how truly awful my first attempts were!.)
Ratings for The Dancer's Debut
Technical quality: 8
Plot & character: 8
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Meeting in May" by Richard La Fond (SciTeach35@aol.com). Guest review
by Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com).
I've come to the conclusion that a `when cyber-lovers meet' is kind of a
must-do plot line for a lot of people. It's hard to make it unique, but
it covers a fantasy a lot of people have. In that respect it probably
has appeal just on that level. However, in most cases there are really
only two choices - couple meet and have a blistering hot session of sex,
or the BDSM equivalent of the same thing. This story relies on the
first of the two scenarios.
This tells the story of an unnamed narrator and her online lover,
Richard - who is 15 years her junior. It starts with a romantic feel,
but moves rather quickly to a couple of very hot sex scenes (one in a
car and another in a motel). The writer does a pretty good job of
having the reader feel, at first, the narrator's hesitation about the
age difference, and later, the confidence she gains as the evening
progresses.
To some extent, I'm not sure I buy the very slow start and then the
sudden switch to high gear. These people supposedly have been very
close online. With such heat and passion shared, I'm not sure her
hesitation about his desires should be as high. They have supposedly
been together for two years online. And yet, perhaps it would still be
a nervous time.
I'm going to bump off a mark for technical quality, mainly for the
formatting. This was not posted by the author, but from the intro, with
his permission and email. The poster has used smart quotes which just
didn't convert. Well, they converted into graphical characters, which
made the few pieces of dialogue tough to read. This is not really the
author's fault, but it does make it hard to read in parts. And the
review is for the reader, right? Also, I found the long drawn out words
of the climax annoying. I know they are supposed to convey a certain
`feel', but I always think that " Owwwwwwwhhhhhhhh..." is just pushing
it.
Ratings for "Meeting in May"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Summer In Bavaria" by Tom (tje@mail.nls.net). Guest review by Kim.
This is a story of young love. Too young for me in fact, as the
principal characters are two boys aged fifteen and fourteen, and two
girls, one aged eleven, the other twelve. The other main character is a
sixty-seven year old grandpa.
I mention the ages because had the girls, or the grandpa, got involved
in any of the sex then I'd have sent it back to Celeste and said sorry,
I can't review this. Luckily the main thrust of the story is in fact the
blossoming love between the two boys. Even so, I'm still very
uncomfortable with such underage sex. But it is handled in a sensitive
manner and is far from exploitational. But enough of my agonizing over
such things.
The main character is John, a young boy from Cleveland visiting his
grandpa in Bavaria, Germany. While he's there, he meets up with the
beautiful Anton, Anton's sister, Katrina, and their younger cousin,
Helga.
Soon the four of them are pairing off, with John getting Katrina and
Anton going with his cousin. They decide to go on an outing together and
after the picnic get down to some innocent necking. Later, back at home,
the boys casually discuss how they're going to fuck the girls for the
first time. However, before they get to the female of the species they
decide to do a bit of practice on each other first. Some soapy mutual
masturbation in the shower then ensues.
The next day they go off for a hike together, sans girls, and end up
kissing and rolling in the flowers, swiftly followed by some spirited
giving and receiving of blowjobs. They're about to attempt to fuck each
other when the story abruptly stops. I don't know if this is how the
author intended to leave it, or just how it came to me.
OK, y'all already know what I generally think of underage sex stories.
This one wasn't badly written, but it did have a number of typos and
such. It could have done with better proofing and spell checking. The
English itself was simple but a bit clumsy in places, though not enough
to throw the story off. The general feeling is of sensitive
believability. Nothing outstanding, nor anything really bad.
Ratings for "Summer In Bavaria"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (Typos and slightly clumsy in places)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (No real problems)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Just not my thing)
"You Can Never Go Home Again" by SandMan (sandman@bitsmart.com).
Guest review by Mark Aster.
Have you read any Horatio Alger? "Struggling Upward", "Making His
Way", "Luke Walton", "Only an Irish Boy"? Plucky lads, in hard
times for one reason or another, overcome obstacles through
integrity and hard work, eventually encounter benefactors who
appreciate their good qualities and help them out, and live more
or less happily ever after. Uplifting and optimistic stories,
good role models for youth. But alas, no sex.
In "You Can Never Go Home Again", Sandman give us a Horatio Alger
story, updated to the 90's, and with some sex scenes. This isn't
a sex story, not really; it's a story that has some sex in it.
Joey's parents have died in an accident, and he has run away from
the abusive uncle that inherited him. We get some nice clean
first-time scenes in flashbacks (first masturbation, first
playing-around with another boy, first sex with a girl), and one
very grungy MF encounter that Joey sees while hiding out in an
abandoned house. But it's not steamy sex, not sex meant to
arouse; it's sex that furthers the story, that advances the
narrative. There's no sex at all in present-time involving Joey,
but there is some very nice romance with this girl he meets while
working at a hard-earned job.
There are some typos ("way to long", "some how"), and some awkward
sentences, and I don't think you actually have to have a checking
account in order to CASH a check, but on the whole the story is
quite readable. There's not much complexity here; this is a
Horatio Alger story, after all! As the author notes in the
afterward, it's unlikely that many real runaways come out of it
this well. But not all stories have to be documentaries, after
all; sometimes we need to be reminded what it's like when things
go unusually well...
Mark Aster ratings for "You Can Never Go Home Again"
(remembering as usual that I may be a harder grader
than Celeste!):
Athena: 8 (above average, some typos and awkwardnesses)
Venus: 9 (for the story and characters, not hot sex!)
Mark: 9 (a cheerful story, nice reading)
* "The Passing of Seasons" by Linda B (an274617@anon.penet.fi).
I try to wait until all the parts of serialized stories have been
posted before I post my review. I have seen seven parts of this
story, and the seventh says it will be continued; but I am going
to go ahead and post my review now, since I haven't seen an eighth
part yet and don't think there is one.
This is an exceptionally well written, sensitive story about the
intimate relationship between two young girls. It's almost like a
good Judy Blume story - except, of course, that teenagers read
Judy Blume, whereas they would never think of reading stories on
a.s.s., which are prohibited to them. In fact, I think it is
possible that Linda B may actually be Judy Blume, prematurely
reincarnated and living in that literary commune in a Waldenesque
setting near Sulfur Springs. {Incidentally, if you think Judy
Blume writes only for kids, you should read her "Smart Women,"
which is probably available in your local public library.}
This author is intimately attuned to the emotions likely to be
felt and expressed by teenagers trying to establish their sexual
identities. I myself am a happy heterosexual, but I recall
feeling many of these same emotions (if not the same activities)
that Jenny and Sarah express in this story. (I have no intention
of revisiting my discussion of whether practically all adolescent
women experience these emotions. They do; but I have promised not
to make an issue of that theory.) This is a really good story.
This story is also being archived at
http://www.cybercity.hko.net/toronto/wjm/archive/
The author has an interesting disclaimer, which reads in part: "If
you are a teenager, we as adults don't think that you should read
this, even though you are sexually mature and probably have much
more sexual desire than we do. We are merely jealous of your
sexual virility. Please leave us alone to *fantasize* about being
your age once again. I'm sorry but you'll have to wait until
you're at least 18 before you can have your own fantasies.
Preferably you should wait until you're at least 30 or older, that
way you can really have something to fantasize about: your very
own teenaged years!" <Hear, hear!> <Well said!> <Touche!>
<Applause>
Ratings for "The Passing of Seasons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic" by PleaseCain
(PleaseCain@aol.com).
Mom catches her son and his friend looking at a hot picture (the
legendary Cheryl Crow Nude Pic) from the Internet. First she tells them
they had better stop and then she decides to give them a lesson in
applied sex education with her own body. The 17-year-old boys are well
endowed - Dick with a 9 1/2 inch peter and Peter with a 12 inch dick.
After the kids bring her off by sucking her tits, Peter beats her with a
belt (much to her enjoyment), while she swallows Dick's 12-incher in its
entirety. Peter had wished that his first time with his mom would be
different than this. After the first climax, Peter and Dick both
gasped, "Cool!" They realized this didn't make them sound very mature,
but this situation "just rocked." Then Mom invited Petey to fuck her
ass, which he did with great enthusiasm, while she banged in glorious
orgasms - 21 of them, to wit, before Dick lost count. Soon Peter came
again, shouting "I'm coming." "Me too!" shouted Mom, redundantly.
Then Mom asked Dick to finish her off (Right!); but Dick refused, unless
he could watch Mom make it with a woman first. So they all got dressed
(Right!) and went next door; and Mom and Joy (a 23-year-old sex goddess)
went wild on the floor while the boys jacked off; but then Deanna Troi
from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" rang the doorbell and brought ten
Paula Zahns, including Handicapped-Amputee Paula Zahn, into the room,
all eager for an orgy.
I shouldn't tell you this next part, because it will ruin the surprise;
but then Peter ran next door to get his Sega Genesis game; and the women
watched him and Dick play. They were all very impressed at how long
they played, and how high they scored, and many of them got really
turned on at their manly prowess. And then somebody brought a whole
cart filled with sex toys, and then the fun really began.
This all made perfect sense to me, except that Mom was going to teach
them about the female body, and I'm not sure she really achieved her
objective. Oh; and the unrealistic part is that I don't think there
really is a live Cheryl Crow Pic on the "Net. Finally, if you're
interested in finding this and the preceding story, it may be useful to
know that this author posts his stories with a title line beginning TO
JOY, which (coincidentally) is the name of the sex goddess who lives
next door.
Ratings for "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "January 96" by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com).
The guy staggers in from a really miserable day. Life sucks. The
weather is miserable. It took three hours just to get home from
the airport. Life sucks. On the other hand, the furnace works,
the fridge is stocked, he can't go to work for at least a few
days, and his wife seems to be randy and determined to compensate
for the unfortunate vicissitudes of life. This is a very short
but very good story.
Ratings for "January 96"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10