Celestial Reviews 244 - December 20, 1997 - Christmas Special
Note: In this issue I posting reviews of every Christmas story I know
about, EXCEPT those which have been reviewed as part of the Celestial
Christmas Story Contest in the past few issues. If I missed any
stories, please send them to me. The next regular issue of Celestial
Reviews will be December 24, and then I'll take a Christmas break until
January 3.
Second note: Not all the stories reviewed here are good ones. I
reviewed any story that seemed to have a Christmas theme. To save you
some time, here's a list of my Top 12 Christmas Stories. I am excluding
those entered in my Celestial Christmas Story Contest. Some of those
may be even better; but if I included them in this list, that would ruin
the surprise of the dramatic announcement of the winner on January 3 at
half-time of the Down Under Bowl.
1. "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance)
2. "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!)
3. "Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy)
4. "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies)
5. "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time)
6. "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa)
7. "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider
8. "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion)
9. "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor)
10. "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various
orgies, etc.)
11. "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender)
12. "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas
tree)
13. "Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex)
You can send one story to a loved one for each day of Christmas. Number
13 is a bonus - even if it is a bit of a stretch.
Third note: Keep in mind the Celestial Christmas Story Contest. The
only rule is that your entry has to be a new story about Christmas or a
related holiday theme. I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely - a
Druid orgy at Stonehenge during the winter solstice or group sex at
half-time on a Rose Bowl float would qualify. Entries can still be
posted as soon as they are written, and I'll review them as soon as I
receive them. Winners will be announced on or around January 2. If you
want to try to influence my judgment, send me your comments about the
stories when you read them.
I had hoped to post reviews of all the Contest entries I have received,
but they are still coming in, and so I'll have to save at least a few
reviews for the December 24 issue. Here is a list of all the Contest
stories I have reviewed so far:
"Fantasies" by BitSlinger
"Christmas Carole" by MrSpraycan
"Snowbound" by Ann Douglas
"The Curiosity Shop" by Sven the Elder
"Tongue and Cheek" by Hawk "Santa" Richards
"The Night Before Christmas" by M1KE HUNT
"My Xmas Threesome" by Patty Nickel
"Another Christmas Carol" by James Martin
"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy
"Carole" by Kim
"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud
Here are the stories submitted for the Contest which I have not yet
reviewed:
"Snow Flake" by DG
"Room with a View" by Mark Aster
"Seduction" by A Magician
"A Very Rejected Christmas" by OddManOut Anywhere
"Winter Solstice" by Raven M.
"Christmas Dinner" by Tom Bombadil
If you submitted a story and it is not on one of these lists, you should
contact me as soon as possible.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor)
10, 10, 10
"Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author (sex with stepsister)
9, 6, 7
"Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author (confusing TG shopping
trip) 6, 3, 1
"Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (bdsm & fantasy fulfillment)
10, 10, 10
"Office Christmas Party" by Remy (torture) 7, 4, 3
"Zucchini" by Frank McCoy (incest with a vegetable) 7, 8, 2
"Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash,
The New York Jacker (masturbation) 10, 10, 10
"Santa's Cumming" by Karen Flynn (illiterate TG fantasy)
4, 3, 1
Celestial Christmas Story Contest:
"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (romantic fantasy) 8, 7, 8
"Carole" by Kim (meaning of life) 9, 10, 10
"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (brother/sister romance)
9.5, 10, 10
Reposted Reviews:
* "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various
orgies, etc.) 10, 10, 10
* "Adult Christmas" by Abby (Santa orgy) 9, 10, 10
* "Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
* "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author (Christmas
orgy) 10, 9, 9
* "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 9, 10, 10
* "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas
tree) 10, 9, 10
* "Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (oral sex with Santa) 10, 9, 9
* "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10
* "Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy)
10, 10, 10
* "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender)
8, 10, 10
* "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 10, 10, 10
* "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion) 9, 10, 10
* "Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (teen gangbang) 5, 9, 8
* "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time)
10, 10, 10
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash. I'm a city girl. But that
doesn't mean I don't know about country livin'. I listen to country
songs on the radio, and they talk about lonely hearts, pickup trucks,
unfaithful women, hard-living men, and greyhound buses. They don't talk
about Christmas ponies. The young folks don't get much done 'cuz
they're having too much fun in grandma's feather bed or rolling in the
hay with Farmer Johnson's daughters, because there ain't nothin' wrong
with their radios. The men occasionally leave their women at home while
they pursue a Holy Grail called the damned ole rodeo. The women are
often tigers in their tight-fitting jeans who are looking for love in
all the wrong places down at the honky tonk. But none of them concern
themselves with Christmas ponies.
If country folks really DID have Christmas ponies, I'd know about. Pam
Tillis would have mentioned it in her ballad about her crazy life.
Believe me: those songs are straightforward. They sing about partying
with Jose Cuervo and waking up in someone else's clothes; about living
in two-story (not storey) houses; about little lovin' lies; and about
two-timing bastards. One of my favorites is a ditty by the Stattler
Brothers about "My Bed of Roses" - actually a pun on Rose's Bed - in
which a teenager describes how he learned all the things a man should
know from a woman not approved of I suppose, whom the church-going folks
in town wouldn't even talk to. A Christmas pony wouldn't even be a
stretch for country singers, who invented the term Dolly Parton and have
been known to name their male children Sue.
No, there is no such thing as a Christmas pony. But heck, there's no
such thing as Santa either. And Rudolph doesn't really have a nose that
glows. Nor does frosty go thmpity thump thump before he comes each
winter. And so a story about a Christmas pony is not out of order.
Viewed from the proper perspective, this story is a real laugher. The
basic plot is that Santa brings a Christmas pony down the chimney; and
while Mom, Dad, Billy Bob, and Sis look on and plot their future
activities, Santa has sex with the pony right there in front of the
Christmas tree and fireplace. This obviates the need for egg nog! And
as Billy Bob (actually Jimmy) says to his father: "And you and Mom won't
allow Amy or me to have human sex until we're eighteen. I fully
understand your reasons why. So that's when I came up with the idea of
having sex with animals. I can learn about sex, have a great time at
it, and won't get some girl pregnant."
Which reminds me: What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off.
What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk....?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off at the top of the
stairs.
Ratings for "A Christmas Pony"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author. Dan is not exactly
excited about the prospects of a boring visit to his family to
exchange Christmas presents. After all, they're just a bunch of
step-siblings; and he has never felt very close to them. But
wait! Ami has grown up, and now he's happy to feel very close to
her indeed. As the narrator puts it, her topography (not
typography!) has improved. A good time is had by both.
Ratings for "Home for Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author. John goes shopping for
Christmas, and he buys a sexy dress as a special present for himself. In
the parking lot he gets almost run over by a car, and during the time
between the time he first sees the car and the time when he is helped to
his feet, he hallucinates about being a woman, having sex, getting
pregnant, and having a baby. The story is not even as good as the
preceding confused sentence might make it seem. It contains a huge
number of annoying typographical (not topographical) errors - mostly
wrong words that make the story even more confusing than would seem
possible.
Ratings for "Joan for Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (msnider@mindspring.com).
This story is interesting for what doesn't happen as well as for
what does occur. First, the woman's bathrobe falls open in front
of the bellboy, but she doesn't fuck him - she just adds him to
her fantasy repertoire. The very next paragraph refers to a hand
job, but the term refers to the fact that the package the bellboy
brought is hand-wrapped.
Now, on to what DOES happen. The woman is alone with Jose Cuervo
at a resort at which her husband will join her in two days. {Jose
Cuervo is a brand name of tequila. I know this because the name
comes up often in country western songs that often supply
background music for my private orgies with my husband. Hence,
the phrase, "No way, Jose!"} The package contains a solstice
present from her husband - some basic bdsm material and an
introductory note from Marka, who will orchestrate her fantasy
fulfillment. Well, you can take it from there. Let me just say
that things work out pretty well or everyone.
Ratings "Solstice Present"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Office Christmas Party" by Remy (dianthus@concentric.net). "You" are
at your boyfriend's office Christmas party. Since "you" are eventually
tied spread eagle to a desktop while several guys fuck your cunt, "you"
are apparently a female.
So if you are actually a guy, what the hell are you supposed to think
while you're reading this story? See, when I say you, I mean you - the
person who is reading these words. When this author says "you," he
apparently means "she" but wants to confuse "you" by asking you to
pretend that you are she, which makes no sense if you don't have a cunt
that can be probed by all those penises.
Even if you're a woman - say, perhaps moi (that's French for Yours
Truly) - the "you" makes no sense. I am not at all like this woman. I
have watched such women at parties and I might enjoy reading stories
about them, but why confuse the issue by insisting that she is me?
When you wrote this story, you should have said "she" instead of "you."
The previous sentence was silly, because you did not write this story,
unless you happen to be the author. Is there a lesson in this?
What this author probably did was write the story as a fantasy for
someone else - maybe a cyberlover with whom he wanted to share a
sex fantasy or a drinking partner sharing Jose Cuervo. She read
it and said, "God! This makes my pussy wet! I came fourteen
times just reading it! You oughta publish this shit!" And so he
did, but he did not have the insight or courtesy to revise it in
order to enable a different audience to enjoy it.
Authors do this all the time. I don't understand it. Well, I do
understand it, but I think it sucks. If you want to write a story
for an audience of one, that's OK. But if you want to write the
story for a general public, do it right!
It is possible to write a "you" story. For example, we readers
might view the letters of one person to another or eavesdrop on
their conversations. But good "you" stories are unusual. They
are difficult to write. My advice is to write from the first (I)
or third person (he/she) perspective, unless you have a good
reason to use the second person.
In addition to the second-person problem, the author uses a weird
melange of verb tenses to confuse the reader further. However,
as I understand it, a woman goes to an office party, gets drunk,
sucks the monster cock of another drunk, and enjoys this
immensely. This has something to do with spite towards her
boyfriend, Jeremy - fuck the bastard! Then Jeremy catches her and
punishes her; but no matter: she has orgasms all the while he
beats and abuses her. Then he invites his friends to torture her,
and one of them burns her "right nibble" with a cigarette, which
hurts like hell and leads to more orgasms.
I guess this all makes sense. After all, if you believe, anything
can be true - isn't that what Miracle on 54th Street is all about?
Ratings "Office Christmas Party"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
"Zucchini" by Frank McCoy. Actually, this story is not by Frank McCoy.
Frank himself suspects it's by someone named Tammy, but Tammy says it's
something she picked up under the original title "The Christmas
Present." Anyway, you wouldn't spontaneously select this as a Christmas
story, unless someone told you about it.
The basic premise is that zucchini (I guess that's the plural) make
excellent natural dildos. They come in any size necessary to fit any
vagina. All you have to do is pick them when they reach the size you
want. In fact, if you slept in the garden, the damned things might grow
inside you - but that would be a different short story.In the summertime
they grow almost as quickly as some guys' cocks.
At the beginning of the story, the man sees his ten-year-old
daughter fucking herself with a zucchini. When he reports the
episode to his wife (Mrs. Potato-Head - no, I'm just kidding!),
she tells him that he should go into the little girl's room and
have sex with her, in order to "save her from masturbating with a
stupid vegetable." The wife adds: "She'll never be able to relate
properly to a man, if all her early experience with sex is just
some frigid cucumber." This may sound stupid, but I had a friend
who had a bunch of baby ducks imprint on him. They followed him
all over the place, quacking outside his door late into the night.
As the saying goes, "Like duck, like cucumber"; and I suspect this
can be extended to zucchini.
All this is interesting, you might say (or probably not), but what
does it have to do with Christmas? Well, I was just coming to
that. Approximately 8.5 years after Daddy begins boinking his
baby, during which time they have constantly copulating like
coaxial cables, Little Lynnie gives Daddy for Christmas an
unopened tampon and applicator. She doesn't need it anymore,
because she's pregnant with his son/grandson! Isn't that special?
So that's why there's an angel on top of the Christmas tree. I
know that's a non sequitur, but so is this entire story.
Ratings "Zucchini"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
"Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash, The
New York Jacker (nyjaquer@smartec.com). This isn't really a
Christmas story, but it comes a lot closer than the previous
attempt, if you'll pardon the pun. What we have hear is some
good, solid advice (or soiled advice, as my spellcheck preferred)
regarding how to masturbate during the Christmas season, as well
as at other times during the year.
I have secretly suspected that some of the people who frequent the
a.s.s.* newsgroups engage in what my eighth-grade nun mysteriously
referred to as "self-abuse" or "the solitary sin." I now believe
that both of those terms refer to excessive scrupulosity, and I
find it refreshing to find a discussion of techniques for stroking
the one-eyed burping gecko. This article shows that when a young
man decides to take matters into his own hands or to windsurf on
Mount Baldy, he can do more than whack the weasel in order to
tenderize his tube steak before shooting putty at the moon.
Actually, there are four articles in this series. In addition to
the one I am reviewing, there are
2. Maxing Out Your Loads
3. Work out your COCK
4. Maxing out your jackoff
The articles are designed mostly for men, but women may also find
them stimulating. The information is slightly redundant, but some
folks may want to try this more than once. In other words,
masturbation can be more than sacrificing sperm to the goddess of
lonely nights. These guidelines may help you shake the paint
loose the next time you polish your bayonet or pop your clutch.
Maybe this "story" would qualify as "seasonal" because it could
lead to some New Years Resolutions.
Ratings "Edging All The Way
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Santa's Cumming!" by Karen Flynn (TGSTORIES@station1.com). This
is an insipid and illiterate story about a guy who wishes he was a
girl. Santa comes down the chimney and brings him a dress for
Christmas. After some flashbacks - surprise! The story doesn't
end here; but we can go to a web site to get the rest. Yeah,
right.... And Santa doesn't cum either.
This is the sort of thing that happens when you promise to review
any story you can get your hands on that has something to do with
Christmas.
Ratings "Edging All The Way
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (padiday@hotmail.com). The only reason
this is a "Christmas story" is because the eponymous letter is dated
December 18. Give it another date, and you have an Easter story, a
Mother's Day story, or even a Guy Fawkes Day story. But the rules for
the contest do say that "I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely,"
and so the story is certainly eligible for consideration.
This is really a "you" story, like the previously-reviewed Christmas
Office Party story. The "you" perspective makes slightly more sense in
this one, because it is a letter addressed to somebody else. However, I
still had trouble getting into the mood of the story, because it seemed
to be written for an audience that did not include me - as if the author
had a story ready to post, saw a Christmas story contest, and then
adapted this story to that purpose by simply inserting a date and
saying, "I'll be thinking of you at Christmas." Imagine that.
Given the preceding constraints, this is a pretty good story. It's a
fantasy about what a bloke would like to do to his babe down under - I
mean in Australia. Actually, the man is in Australia, but the fantasy
takes place in exotic India. It's a pretty good fantasy.
Ratings "A Letter to my Babe"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Carole" by Kim (Ghost@nym.alias.net). Why is Kim leaving the bar with
her panties in her pocket, and what does this have to do with Christmas?
Well, it's because she had been thinking about her present (meaning now,
not a gift) and then somebody was kind enough to show her a possible
future. In short, she has met Carole, who had put the scroo in Scrooge.
The sex in this story isn't actively sexy, but it's still an important
part of a very good story. Kim weaves together several separate, vivid
incidents into a good slice-of-life plot. Kim doesn't start this story
with a claim that it is "true"; and I seriously doubt that these things
really happened to her exactly as she describes them. Nevertheless,
this story has a ring of authenticity to it that is often missing in
stories on this newsgroup.
The only problem - and it's really a minor one - is that Kim should have
consulted her proofreader before going to press with this story.
Another 24 hours and one more set of revisions could have made this an
even better story.
Ratings "Carole"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Sam's life
sucks. In the bad sense. One of the reasons his life sucks is
that his girlfriend doesn't. In the good sense. That is, it
sucks bad that she doesn't suck good. But no matter. He breaks
up with her and plans a Christmas visit to his long-lost sister
Miriam in California.
It turns out that Miriam has become wealthy, and Sam arrives just
in time for the lavish Christmas bash at her house. Miriam has
given her friends and associates the impression that Sam is a
friend rather than her brother, and - can you see where this is
going yet? Right - adult incest sans social stigma. When the
brother and sister get going, the sex is both tender and hot; and
the author blends all of this with personality development that
doesn't hinder the action at all. This is an excellent story.
Ratings "Destiny Manifested"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (Jaybos@cris.com).
Bobby is lonely and depressed, because he has to wait around to take his
last exam after all his college friends have gone home for Christmas
break. Readers of this story don't suffer, however, because Bobby
spends his time rehashing a sexy scene from earlier in the school year.
When he finally catches his plane and goes home, he is met at the
airport by his sensual mother and sexy sister - or maybe it's vice
versa. Then things rapidly become more and more interesting.
I chose this story because its title had a Christmas theme, and `tis the
season. Actually, it's not all that seasonal. True, Heather gives
Bobby a simple blowjob rather than a complete enfuckment because she has
already gone to confession and doesn't want to have to go again before
going to communion on Christmas; but I think that's theologically
ambiguous at best. {Heather must have had different nuns than I did.}
But when Laurie boinks the boss at the office while she's still full of
her husband's cum from the wake-up call - well, that could have been
opening day of baseball season as well as a few days before Christmas.
On the other hand, the wild session with Stan the Man in the station
wagon did at least start at the office Christmas party; and the drunken
orgy that included Stan's little brother was really an extension of what
had started earlier.
Meanwhile, back at basketball practice, the lesbian coach has become
attracted by the combination of sexy innocence and sweet sluttiness
exuded by Bobby's 14-year-old sister, Amanda. And then we find Bobby
wondering if his sexy mother is naked while he hears her grunting on the
exercise machine in her bedroom.
Certainly Sherri's big tits and the way she bangs the hell out of Robert
at the office don't qualify as a Christmas story. To be sure, Mr.
Dawson is deeply interested in the youth of his community; but since
that's really just a euphemism for liking his girls a little on the
young side, it hardly qualifies as a Christmas motif.
Ah, here's a connection: when Laurie is kneading the dough for the
Christmas cookies, she's really needing a couple of cocks. Then there's
father O'Sullivan - a kind of Bing Crosby or John Black {for you DOOL
fans} with raging hormones, leading the girls' choir in practicing
carols. In his bed at night, as he whips his hand up and down his turgid
flesh, lost in lust and guilt, his thoughts have often turned to doing
indecent and indescribable things to sweet Amanda Anderson. What would
father O'Mally say about that?
Maybe I'm being too rough. After all, Mrs. Stone does say "Merry
Christmas!" to Bobby after she lures him away from the party and before
she pulls a Mrs. Robinson with him. And when Mrs. Stone's daughter
catches them in the act, Bobby and Mindy do go at it like reindeer in
heat; and Bobby does explain his absence from the party as "checking out
the Christmas decorations."
Well, it all comes together when they exchange Christmas presents. And
later that night, after all the festivities, while Amanda is gently
masturbating in front of a glowing fire, visualizing in her mind's eye
the special efforts she had put in to get just the right presents,
generally reviewing her year's sexual exploits, looking up in the midst
of an orgasm to see her big brother looking down at her....
If the mother's name had been Carol, we would have a clear musical
connection: "Here we go a' caroling!" As it is, we'll just have to
settle for that other Christmas favorite:
"Yes, I need a little pussy,
"Right this very minute...."
This is very hot reading for a cold winter's night. It has some minor
stylistic flaws, but it's an excellent story.
Ratings for "Christmas with the Andersons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Adult Christmas" by Abby (abbywife@aol.com). This is going to be a
little hard to explain: there IS a Santa Claus, but he comes only for
selected families when the woman turns 40 and the youngest child has
stopped believing in Santa. And he's not an old man; he's a virile 30-
year-old with a wife that gives great head to male and female alike.
And that's not all; but you really should read the story to find out
about it for yourself. Don't let the brevity of this review lead you to
believe that this is a weak story. It's really excellent!
Ratings for "Adult Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Faerie Tale I" by D-Singer. While I was looking for Christmas
stories for this issue, I came upon this THC repost - fairies,
elves - close enough, I thought. 'Twould be more appropriate for
St. Patrick's Day, but a delightful story this is. The lass who
narrates the story has returned from America to Ireland, where she
goes skinny dipping in a bucolic wilderness stream and is accosted
by a brawny lad who mistakes her for a water nymph. Well, to meet
a nymph is good luck, but to have intercourse with one means death;
but the young man figures, "What a way to go!" They don't actually
SLEEP together, so I suppose the guy lived happily ever after.
Ratings for "Faerie Tale I"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (Kansica@aol.com). On a whim, the
beautiful blonde lady decides to have her picture taken with the mall's
Santa Claus. When he asks her what she wants for Christmas, she
replies, "Well, mom thinks I need a man. Could you bring me a gorgeous
specimen of a man?"
{At a recent Christmas party, the Santa Claus asked my husband what he
wanted. He replied, "Can I have a copy of your list of naughty girls?"
When Santa demurred, my husband said, "OK. I'll settle for your list of
NICE girls." I think I'll keep him!}
When Santa asks her if she's been a good girl, she replies that she has
been quite slutty, and she feels his ears with dirty but delicious
details. Of course, she is sitting on his lap during this part of the
narrative. Anyway, Santa assures her that it's sometimes nice to be
naughty and asks her to meet him after work. It seems that Mrs. Claus
no longer has much interest in sexual activity other than missionary
style once a month. Santa needs relief from his hectic life, and he'd
like Jennifer to help out. Mrs. Claus has no objections, but she has
insisted that Santa never have missionary-style sex with another woman.
{No wonder Santa laughs so much!} Santa is free to engage in sexual
intercourse in any other position, with the further stipulation that he
videotape each encounter to protect himself from being sued or arrested
for rape. Got your attention yet? Check this story out for yourself!
Oh! I forgot to tell you - Santa is looking for the right woman to give
to his helpers as a reward for their good work throughout the holidays.
They so seldom have time to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh....
This is a VERY creative and stimulating story!
Ratings for "Santa's Cumming"
Athena (technical quality):9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author. This story was
listed as cbxmas.doc. If you want to find it on Deja News, I would
suggest using "alt.sex.stories Charlie Christmas." Charlie Brown,
Sally, Linus, Snoopy - the whole gang from Peanuts are more
sexually active than we might think. Indeed, Peppermint Patty and
Marcie are lesbian lovers; Lucy has finally found a better way to
approach Schroeder while he plays the piano and tries to ignore
her; and Linus has tried to get some nooky from the little red-
headed girl, but she has been saving herself for Charlie Brown.
Well, Charlie Brown gets a special Christmas present, and a general
orgy ensues. This was the best Christmas ever!
This is a pretty good parody - or perhaps a pastiche - not quite as
good as most of those by Shelby Bush or Uncle Mike, but still
pretty good. I was a bit put off by all the urination - it just
doesn't sound like all that much fun to have somebody piss in my
mouth; but other than that I enjoyed this story.
Ratings for "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). Every
year I try to make love just one special time under the Christmas
tree. So do the people in this story. It's a very nice custom and
a very nice story. As the song goes,
I saw Momma fucking Santa Clause
Underneath the Christmas tree last night....
Ratings for "Oh, Christmas Tree"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). This story is NOT
about the REAL Santa Claus. Jan and Tony have been working
together at the Santa Shop in the mall, and after the last evening
of hard work Jan goes down on him and invites him home for an
wilder evening of elf sex.
Ratings for "Candy Cane"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.du.edu). It was
almost exactly six months ago that I reviewed "Forever," the first
story in the Bob and Jeanette Brennan saga. I astutely said it was
a good story, expressed a wish that the author would post more
stories, and rated it 9.5, 9, 10. I was also pleased as punch that
I had recognized Uther Pendragon as the name of the king who
established the Round Table on Merlin's advice and who subsequently
found his true heir (King Arthur) through the ole sword-in-the-
stone test.
Since that time, this author has not only reposted a revised
version of that story - cleaning up the imperfections and earning a
10, 10, 10 rating; he has also posted six more stories in this
series, in addition to a half dozen unrelated stories. At the
present time I am going to say that this is the best story in the
series; but I think that may be comparable to my daughter's annual
statement that "This is my best birthday ever!" which is invariably
followed a few months later by "This is the best Christmas ever!"
What I mean is that each successive story (a) is excellent itself
and (b) makes the whole series better. As I read this story I saw
Bob and Jeanette in a completely new setting, and I learned things
about them that made sense, but which I had not thought about
before.
The present story is only indirectly about Bob and Jeanette. It's
told through the eyes of Bob's sister, Vi, a bright 16-year-old who
wants to be a psychoanalyst some day but who is at the present time
overwhelmed with her own problems with her boyfriend. The sexual
activity is equally indirect: we infer only what we can learn from
Vi's descriptions of Bob and Jeanette, while she listens in the
room next door while her hot brother and sister-in-law go at it in
his old bedroom.
This is an excellent Christmas story. I loved "The Gathering"
episode of the Waltons, and this is the sexually explicit version
of it - except, of course, that the Brennans are a smaller family
and that Bob is Bob's first name rather than the ubiquitous Walton
middle name. The interpersonal and family relationships ring true
in this story; and even the non-sexual details contribute to the
sexuality that Vi observes in Bob and Jeanette. If this author
does not have a degree in psychology, I hereby bestow an honorary
degree upon him.
If you have not read the previous stories in this series, do a
favor for yourself or a loved one this Christmas. Log onto
DejaNews on the Web (www.dejanews.com) and punch in the search
words "alt.sex.stories pendragon." Download all the stories you
find there. The ones that begin with "For" are the Bob and
Jeanette stories. They'll give you a warm feeling on a cold
winter's night.
Ratings for "For Now"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Here Cums Santa Claus" by SueNH. This story centers around the visit
of the lovely and vivacious Sue (who looks and acts a lot like me,
although she apparently has smaller breasts and nipples that respond
slightly more slowly than mine do to gentle caresses) to the mall's
Victoria's Secret shop at the end of a long day of Christmas shopping.
Two libidinous female employees invite her to join the after hours
festivities, at which she will become the Christmas present for the
mall's Santa.
I guess I shouldn't spoil the suspense - but the supposed impostor is
the real Santa himself. (This is where Sue departs a little from
reality. Her Santa is not circumcised. He was the last time I made
love to him.) Sue has a lot of fun with the story, replacing the
typical descriptions of sexual activity with terms and metaphors related
to the Christmas season. I checked with my word processor's "find"
function, and the word "musky" doesn't appear even once; and the only
time "rod" occurs is in the middle of "strode," "produced," and
"prodigious" - the latter not in its usual context in a sex story!
Instead, the aroma emanating from his cock is "the delicate fragrance of
apple blossoms and almonds, with maybe a hint of balsam fir." Santa's
rotund cock is deliciously sweet and fruity. And Santa's sweet candy
cane drives deeply into Sue's fiery open hearth. The only image I found
to limp a little was Santa's offer to let Sue ride his North Pole.
Of course, like any depraved a.s.s. writer, Sue skirts the moral issue:
what about poor Mrs. Claus, waiting chastely at home at the North Pole
with all those tiny but horny little elves? Nevertheless, this story
managed to get the vision of Santa's "sugar plum" dancing in my head.
This story definitely put me into the spirit of things. You'll have to
read the story to find out what Santa said as he rose out of sight.
Ratings for "Here Cums Santa Claus"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Sue Saves Christmas" by Paul LeComte
(FA27482@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU). Two heterosexuals and one lesbian
(all geologists) are stranded on Christmas Eve in a Bolivian
desert, bemoaning their lack of holiday cheer - when what to their
wondering eyes should appear? It's Sue - filling in for Santa
Claus. When Sue asks them what they want for Christmas, they all
give the same answer; and so they have to share Sue, who doesn't
seem to mind it at all. This is a delightful story! Read it with
someone you love!
Ratings for "Sue Saves Christmas"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White. Ray (Rachel) and Jack
(Janice) are both computer geeks and crossdressers. Neither is
gay; but they discover that when they want to pass as female in
public they can minimize risk of exposure by having one (dressed
as a male) date the other (dressed as a female).
They like one another. As a grammarian, I stated that last
sentence carefully. If there were only two persons, I would have
said, "They like each other." But actually Ray and Jack like each
other; Ray and Janice like each other; and Rachel and Jack like
each other. So they like one another, although only two of them
are ever present at any one time. Isn't grammar wonderful?
As time passes the guys get better at crossdressing and enjoy
taking greater risks. They are even more successful as computer
geeks and become wealthy. At the annual TV dinner (in San
Francisco TV does not stand for television) Jack wins an award as
most improved TV while Ray takes first place in the evening gown
event.
Now at this point, the idea hit me: "Wouldn't it be a great plot
if.... "; and that was exactly the plot of the rest of the story.
I enjoyed the story even though I thought I knew how it would end.
If you want a clue, read the next paragraph. If you don't want a
clue and prefer to be surprised by this really creative plot, skip
the next paragraph.
Clue: Skip this if you want to be surprised. Clue: Think O.
Henry. Further clue: If you haven't guessed it yet, think "Gift
of the Magi"! If you haven't guessed the plot yet, you're not
very familiar with American literature. Read this story; but then
you won't be surprised when you read O. Henry's story. End of
clue. You can resume reading now.
So they make a bet. Each will live as a woman during the
following year, and whoever does the best job (as adjudicated by
the TV club) will win a vast sum of money and will obtain the
services of the loser as a personal maid for a period of one year.
For perfectly sensible reasons that are too complex to discuss
here, they cancel the bet but continue to live and work as women,
and Sally (that is, Walter the doctor) moves in with them as their
maid. It would also be too complex to explain why Ray finds
himself as a client at the Institute for the Amelioration of
Gender Dysphoria. And finally comes the surprise ending.
As I have read TG stories, I have learned that crossdressers have
problems that we more blas‚ people hardly even think about. For
example, if a guy is dressed like a girl in a bar and gets carded,
what does he/she do about the picture and information on the
driver's license? And novice male CD's have problems typing with
those long fingernails. I have also learned that TG stories are
often very creative. I have no urge to become a crossdresser
myself or to become sexually involved with one, but I find the
ideas in stories like this one to be extremely creative - not
_sexually_ stimulating, but very creative and _intellectually_
stimulating. Although this story could benefit from a good
proofreading, it is still an exceptionally creative tale.
Ratings for "Christmas Presents"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). The man is
sitting in his office, watching the consultant finish up her work at the
computer. The company makes screen savers, and he doesn't know for sure
whether she is testing his in-house version, which contains embedded
erotic events <g>. He also can't help thinking about the doorknob in
her hotel room and the wonderful things the consultant might do to
herself before or after a shower. Eventually, he confronts her on the
elevator with a mild sexual innuendo. For the denouement, you'll have
to read this delightful story yourself.
Ratings for "Christmas Break"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby. Frank and Gladys are hedonists. I
know this because instead of going to church on Sunday, they stay at
home and fuck; and before the third enfuckment they discuss swinging,
and Gladys gets so turned on that she's eager to take it up the ass. By
this I don't mean they are irreligious: the church people probably
preferred that they stay at home, since they would have been distracted
by all that fucking, especially the anal part, and especially if the
sermon was boring or the choir was off key. Anyway, Frank and Gladys
sponsor a sort of secular version of the Waltons' Homecoming or
Gathering or whatever their Christmas special was called.
The participants in the reunion are fairly normal people whose value
systems and lifestyles differ somewhat from my own. I would say that
they are like folks next door, but the folks next door to me go to
church every Sunday, and I think they shudder at the very notion of anal
sex. The story is big on incest, but it's not the exploitive type of
incest that many readers find to be distasteful.
The story is told by the participants themselves, as they remember it.
There are four different parts, each told from a different perspective;
and the details of their stories do not always agree. This is an
interesting approach: the same incident can be remembered differently by
different people, because nobody sees the whole picture. Each person
sees only that part of the scene that could have been seen from his or
her perspective, and even that part may be remembered imperfectly
because of emotions or subsequent activities.
The only minor weakness in the story is that it would have benefited
from a good proofreading before going to press.
Ratings for "Christmas Tale"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (Ole.Joe@poboxes.com). The
narrator is a unintelligent embodiment of high school swine who decides
to take an unattractive seventh-grader to a Christmas booze and drugs
party so that he can pop her cherry. It turns out that he shares her
with a bunch of other guys he hardly knows. The girl doesn't exactly
enjoy it, but the guy sure feels good about his contribution to society.
If it weren't for the overall illiteracy of this story, it would
possibly be a very good story. I don't think many of us would actually
recommend gang-rape like this in real life, but the story is a vivid and
realistic portrayal of a really shallow lifestyle. If it were clearly
written, the story could give us an insight into the mind of a bizarre
pervert - like many of those whom we might find in the real world today.
It's very difficult to write dialogue in such a way as to make the
characters look illiterate without letting the story itself degenerate
into benighted stupidity, and this author is not completely successful
in his endeavor. Nevertheless, I can't help suspecting that this might
be a good story, if it were cleaned up.
Ratings for "Christmas Carol"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Some
people read a story once and then skip it forever after, because
they have "already read it." Same with movies, video games, and
women they've humped, I suppose. Been there, done that, got the
tee-shirt. Occasionally, however, it may be good to revisit the
past. This may be especially true if the former sex partner has
grown into a more mature lover - I'm speaking hypothetically, of
course - or if the author has revised the story.
This is a story about the first sexual experience of a young
college student, which occurs during Christmas vacation with a man
nearly twice her age. Originally the author attempted to describe
the activities as comprising a tender scenario, but I felt he
slowed things down so far that the events became boring. This
author usually writes vibrant, upbeat stories; but this one did not
yet have those characteristics. My assumption was that he would
return to the drawing board and inject into this story the
energetic life that it deserved. If I was going to read a story
like this, I wanted it to be interesting and lively as well as
tender and meaningful. And behold, during this Christmas season of
A.D. 1997, a star appeared in the sky and my prophecy was
fulfilled.
So the tender lover deflowers his uptight, young sweetheart so
carefully and considerately that even the pope's mistress would
become orgasmic. This story is still not as good as those in the
Bob and Jeanette Brennan series; but few stories are. I might add
that anybody who successfully writes a story about an actuary as a
sex object deserves a special award! I enjoyed this story very
much and strongly recommend it as part of your Christmas reading.
By the way, the title contains a pun; but I'll bet you can figure
that out yourself!
Ratings for "Wrapped Attention"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10