Celestial Reviews 231 - November 5, 1997
Note: As a cunning linguist, I often receive input from readers.
I'll share this one with you:
A distinguished linguistics professor was lecturing
on the phenomenon of double negatives. As he neared
the end of his talk, he drew himself up and declared
solemnly:
In conclusion, let me observe that while there
are numerous cases where a double negative conveys
a positive, there is no case where a double
positive
conveys a negative.
Whereupon, from the back of the room, arose a small voice
dripping with disdainful condescension:
Yeah, yeah...
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Constants" by Friar Dave (Payton Place Redux) 10, 10, 10
"My So-Called Sex Life REDUX" by Tino and the Cat (sitcom
parody) 9, 6, 5
"Perverted Monks: Snake Style" by H.D. Meister (metaphorical
sex) 9, 10, 10
"Mary Jane's Boys" by DaMaSTeR (informal family sex therapy)
9, 5, 3
"F*R*I*E*N*D*S: The One With The Orgy" by Weed Whacker
(sitcom orgy) 9, 5, 5
"Camara, Lady of the Sword" by Tom Bombadil (heroic fantasy)
10, 10, 10
"The Swimsuit" by Mike Hunt (hot tub hot sex) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Bird Watching" by Eoghann Irving (outdoor sex) 8, 7, 8
"Apprentices' Night" by Remmelt de Haan (medieval sex
fantasy)
"In Tuition" by Dolund Ayksaat (sex with the tutor)
"Ann's Secret Room" by Will Capehart Brown (primitive sex
education) 8, 7.5, 4
"Love Song" by Eve Feral (birthday sex) 9, 8, 8
"Sweet Darcy" by Will Capehart Brown (getting laid) 7, 8, 9
"Adrenaline Games" by DG (high-risk sex) 10, 10, 10
"The Barber Chair" by Saucy Wench (bdsm) 9.5, 8, 5
"Day on the Island" by Unknown Author (goofy sexual
escapades) 6, 4, 3
"Strip Poker Party" By Dive Master (gambling for sex) 9, 8, 9
Reposted Reviews:
* "My So-Called Sex Life" by David Kelly ()
* "A Matter Of Curiosity" by James Charles Lynn (threesome)
10, 9, 10
* "Infinity" by J.M. (sexual satire) 10, 10, 10
* "Just the Facts" by Imma Scared (rape) 4, 5, 3
* "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (sex life of porn writer)
10, 10, 10
* "A Rube's Story" by Bazarov (mother-fuckin') 10, 10, 10
"Constants" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). There are certain
things one is not supposed to enjoy thinking about, especially if one is
a demure, respected English teacher and mother of two fine young girls,
even if one moonlights as a reviewer of smut for an Internet newsgroup.
But as much as I hate to admit it, I enjoyed this story.
Mind you - I do NOT think behaviors like those in this story are
socially responsible, and I would recommend very strong penalties
(including summary defenstration) for any adults fooling around with
kids this way; but this story certainly did give me a tingle in a nice
place - as well as having an indirect effect on my husband's late-night
happiness. In real life, I would urge people who feel the urge to do
things like this to see a counselor, go to church more often, or
sublimate by masturbating to the work of their favorite a.s.s. author.
The story focuses on what I would call a couple of really dysfunctional
families - husbands and wives who are dissatisfied with each other, kids
whose parents have lost contact with them, and people with value systems
that have undergone serious deterioration. In other words, the kind of
people we find on American soap operas and in the royal families of
Europe.
You see - the title is a pun. "Constants" are things that stay the same
across time or across situations. Constance is also the name of the
main character in the story. The words are homonyms: they sound alike.
You'll have to read the story to find out what this has to do with
fucking the neighbor boy while his father is watching through a
telescope and then screwing the owner of the local restaurant while
one's husband is breaking up with his mistress and getting fucked by a
local teenager while he's recovering from a drinking binge. And that's
just for starters.
It's a sad world in which Constance lives; but everybody is too busy
screwing everybody else to survey their dismal situation. I like to say
that bit about "surveying the dismal situation," because one of my
English teachers told me those were the worst combination of words John
Milton ever wrote. I just wanted this review to end on an up note by
pointing out that on his worst day this author can write better than
John Milton on his best day. Talk about dysfunctional people....
Ratings for "Constants"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Mary Jane's Boys" by DaMaSTeR (damaster@hotmail.com). Mary Jane has
recently dissolved her relationship with her abusive husband. She needs
sex, but doesn't want to pick up another dysfunctional asshole. She
doesn't want to cruise bars and alleys for her next lover; and there's
no need, because she has a stable of four children with whom she can
share consensual sexual pleasure. The lads are 15, 14, 12, and 10 years
old. They love their mummy, and they develop a new appreciation of her
as the story progresses.
The author promises to write a story that stands out from the usual -
son walks in, mom bends over and gets fucked up the ass - stories. The
first encounter is an example, I suppose, of the author's deviation from
the usual stuff. She is cuddling with the 10-year-old and comes to a
raging orgasm while innocently rubbing her bare cunt against his leg.
This incident is typical of the rest of the story, as it has so far
developed. Mental health practitioners would suggest several possible
strategies for a responsible parent: for example, (1) don't place mom's
bare pussy in direct juxtaposition with the boy's bare leg in the first
place; (2) once contact has been made, stop it; (3) once the orgasm has
been completed, undertake a sensitive explanation based on some sort of
value system, or (4) seek counseling with a responsible professional.
Instead, this mother (5) sends him to bed with a sharp rebuke and
wonders how she will ever face him again. But it's not all mom's fault.
The kids have all been having wet dreams about mom and her tits, to say
nothing of her cunt.
Rating this story is difficult, because it's not all here yet. The
author has posted the first six chapters and is waiting for feedback
before continuing. However, since it's labeled "mom/son. inc, cons?,
pedo" I doubt that this story is going to be a model of social
responsibility. I suspect we're going to be asked to believe that a
shallow, irresponsible, dysfunctional woman is going to raise four
really swell kids and solve her own sexual problems through a sort of
Informal Family Sex Therapy. The difference between the previous story
and this one is that Friar Dave did not pretend that his characters were
anything other than dysfunctional misfits.
Now you have to remember that I have somehow become more liberal or
open-minded than most of my guest reviewers. I didn't even bother
asking them to review this story, because I know I would have been
asking nearly all of them to do something they disliked. Deep in my
heart, I suspect that it IS possible that somewhere in the world there
is a mother raising four little motherfuckers in a rich environment that
results in no genetic inbreeding or personality disorders. I even
believe it is possible to write a good short story about such a family.
But I don't think this is going to be that story.
Ratings for "Mary Jane's Boys"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"My So-Called Sex Life REDUX" by Tino and the Cat. This is a weak
parody of the TV show, "My So-Called Life." Later in this issue I'll
repost a review of a much better parody of this same show. The present
story is a good example of that genre of literature known as Jerk-Off
Stories for Simple-Minded Adolescent Boys Who Just Want to Read about
Slutty Girls and Don't Care Whether The Plot Makes Any Sense.
Ratings for "My So-Called Sex Life REDUX"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Perverted Monks: Snake Style" by H.D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com).
This story can be described as coherent incoherence. Why the title?
Why the snake images? Is this guy killing the girl or making love to
her? I'm pretty sure reasonably sane people think this way sometimes.
From the point of view of a snake stalking and striking its victim, this
story tells of a passionate encounter between a man and a woman. I
think the grammar and style could be improved, but this is still a very
good story.
Ratings for "Perverted Monks"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"F*R*I*E*N*D*S: The One With The Orgy" by Weed Whacker. As I have said
many times before, a sitcom parody should do two things: (1) it should
tell a good story - often by creatively satirizing the original show;
and (2) it should stay within the framework of the original show. A
major advantage of the parody is that by using the familiar framework
and characters of the television show, the author permits readers who
are well-acquainted with the show to visualize more easily the activity
described in the story.
This version of "Friends" tells a simple, uncreative story. Everybody
comes into the main room and humps everybody else. The ONLY advantage
is that readers can visualize each favorite character screwing one or
more other favorite characters. Depending on how much you like the
show, that may be either a major or minimal contribution to your fantasy
life: many readers will already have fantasized a lot hotter stuff than
this simply by letting their minds wander during or after a regular
episode of this show.
The TV show achieved its top rating because of its clever repartee and
creative situations. This story would have worked better had it
incorporated some more of those features.
Ratings for "F*R*I*E*N*D*S
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Camara, Lady of the Sword" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com). This
story purports to be an ancient epic about Lady Camara of Tyberion
(pronounced Ka-ma'-rah, similar to cabana), a swordsman, archer, and
minor mage, who is skilled in unarmed combat as well as with many
weapons. She is highly knowledgeable in diverse areas, especially
healing. Camara's stories may only be told late in the evening, when
innocent children, and even some innocent wives and husbands, have
retired. Few are unaffected by the proper telling of her tales, though
the reactions are often mixed. Thou hast been warned! {I made that
last sentence up myself!}
An epic is an extended narrative - usually (but not in this case) in
poetic format - that celebrates in elevated or dignified language the
feats of a legendary or traditional hero. In the days before cable TV
and arcade games, bards used to travel from town to town and castle to
castle and relate epics while listeners consumed mead. Epics don't have
a climax and denouement that follow the pattern of a normal novel or
modern movie, and this may be irksome to some readers.
I am not a sword and sorcery fan; in fact, I have a sneaking suspicion
that magick doesn't work at all and that life would be uninteresting if
it did. {I get tired of the rules constantly changing and the ever-
present deus ex machina to solve serious problems in unrealistic ways.}
Nevertheless, I enjoyed this tale, which presented interesting and
exciting sexual activities in the exotic context of Camara's quest for
the medallion of King Merovance and her simultaneous search for meaning
in her life. It was a very good story.
Like most epics, this story is presented through the eyes of the bard,
who is reciting the tale to an assembled multitude and who occasionally
digresses to tell another tale at the request of a Lord or Lady.
Although you'll want to read this entire story, the lengthy tale (360K)
is subdivided into nine chapters that permit the reader to enjoy the
epic in smaller installments.
Ratings for "Camara"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Swimsuit" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). As you may have surmised
by now, there is more to Mike Hunt than meets the eye. In his rambling
preamble to this story, the author admits to being almost an
octogenarian. The present story relates an experience that occurred
when he was much younger and a young colleague of his wife came over to
pick up some tapes that June and she had made to demo a product at work.
As you might suspect, the woman picks up the wrong tapes, and she and
Mike view them together; and to her astonishment the young lady finds
herself watching Mike and June in a threesome with a beautiful young
pair of identical twins - wrong! That's not what happens at all -
although that might have been a better story than the one Mike Hunt has
submitted here.
The present plot is much simpler. The visitor goes to the bathroom to
freshen up and finds a swimsuit there. Mike had bought it for his lithe
and luscious wife June, but she had found it to be lewd and lascivious
and refused to wear it, and so Mike offers it to the lovely and lustful
Tina for half price. Of course, Tina has to try it on and try it out in
the hot tub, and Mike Hunt joins her there <joins - get it? - joins her
there>. Hence, the plot takes a distinctly different twist than the one
I had predicted.
This is another excellent story for lewd and lascivious readers who are
interested in lustful and libidinous liaisons between a lithe and lovely
little love lily and her lecherous lover before a light lunch a little
later.
I have been teaching about alliteration this week. Can you tell?
Ratings for "The Swimsuit"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Bird Watching" by Eoghann Irving (eoghann@thenet.co.uk). Guest review
by Anne747.
An interesting story, with a play on words. Hey, I'm just bright enough
to catch that `bird' is a slang term in the UK for a woman. The premise
of the piece is good. The `hero' of the story goes out to do some bird
watching and discovers a woman who loves getting back to nature. He is
interrupted by another woman, and that's when the sex begins.
Now, lots of possibilities. It just doesn't come across as well as it
could. The first comment is a cultural thing. Sorry, but the word wank
just cracks me up. Hey, that's just me though. What I really have
problems with is the lack of connection between the characters. There
is a friendship of sorts between the man and the second woman, but we
don't find out what it is. I also use the term man and woman loosely.
It reads like a teen piece, but I could be way off.
There needs to be a little more background with the couple who are
having the sex. Are they two teenagers exploring first sex? Some of
the language seems to support this. If so, lets be honest about ages
and label it as such. Are they two old friends who have lusted for
years, or are they simply vacationers who met yesterday? It just needs
a little more description here.
The story could stand a little work on the sentence structure at times.
Some of the sections are a little fragmented, with the flow being lost.
A quick example of this is - [Jenny turned to look at him. There was a
slight look of hurt in her face now. Mixed with confusion.. Suddenly
she shoved him. Pushing hard on his shoulder.]
All in all, it's not a bad read. It just didn't live up to the promise
of its start. It didn't draw me into the scene. With some changes it
could likely be a much better piece.
Ratings for "Bird Watching"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Apprentices' Night" by Remmelt de Haan (remmelt@kosterix.icce.rug.nl).
Guest review by Tooshoes.
Apprentices' Night is an introductory story to a longer work, set in a
fantasy world, a long time ago, where men fight with swords, and magic
is part of everyday life.
For such a fantastic setting, Apprentices' Night is a surprisingly
familiar story about making love the night before a major life change.
Change a few words here and there, and this story might have been called
The Last Keg Party or The Great Send-off.
The key difference is that the apprentices are graduating into a
celibate profession, and the Apprentices' Night is their last chance to
have sex -ever- so they do so with abandon. No more playing hard to get.
The music is stopping, better find a chair ...
This story is about one shy apprentice who is about to be left standing
at the end, if not for the help of her roommate and best friend.
Instead, she has a night of sex she will never forget for the rest of
her celibate life.
This is a simple but very nice, well written story -- with a surprising
technical problem: The paragraph breaks seem almost randomly placed. One
paragraph might run through several subjects or an entire dialog between
two people, and then break almost at mid-thought. Very strange.
Ratings for "Apprentices' Night"
technical quality: 7
plot & character: 8
appeal to reviewer: 9
"In Tuition" by Dolund Ayksaat (dolund@pcpostal.com). Guest review by
Mat Twassel.
"Slowly, Manish," Shirlyn murmured. "Don't be in such a rush!"
So begins Dolund Aykasaat's "In Tuition." The plot is fairly basic:
Manish, a 17 year old student struggling with his studies, has a major
crush on his private tutor, the lusciously sexy Shirlyn. She finds him
attractive, even more attractive than his older brother, whom she has
been fucking regularly. She shifts the course of study to sex, at which
Manish eventually proves himself amply competent. Dolund's writing is
extremely hot and satisfyingly literate... you might even find a few
subtleties, but don't expect anything too complicated: the stress is on
physical sex. Lust drives much of the character out of these
characters.
Twenty plus pages of detailed copulations, no matter how hot, how
lasciviously apt the descriptions, get tedious--there's joy and heat but
little romance or tenderness and not much freshness or variety, cunning
or crescendo. I suspect anyone attempting to plough straight through
will find himself bored before too long. Nevertheless, this is one of
the best jerk-off pieces I've read. Follow Shirlyn's advice: pace
yourself, and "In Tuition" is probably worth five or sex orgasms.
--Mat Twassel
"Ann's Secret Room" by Will Capehart Brown (LIBERTYES@prodigy.net).
Guest review by Sven the Elder.
I can recommend this story to all the ladies who read or otherwise
partake of the wanton pleasures of the flesh that this group subscribes
to. After only a few short weeks of exercise, as proclaimed in this
story, you too can have complete control of your "pubococcygeal muscle"
.............................???!
There are five paragraphs of description as to how, in fact a blow by
blow description that would earn the writer top marks in a Biology test.
But I have to say that this male reviewer (who did actually know of the
technique and the training, although not the name of the muscles) found
that those five paragraphs in the middle of a sexy story were a total
passion killer. One that rated high on the scale of "George I think
we'll paint the ceiling beige rather than white next time!"
There is descriptive narrative and descriptive narrative, this
definitely falls into the latter <G>. Hell I sound like Kim. (No sorry
Kim I didn't mean that - love and kisses - honestly (and please don't
leave them off they are nice to find )) Seriously the paragraphs
concerned totally disrupt the flow of the story, there must have been
another way to have conveyed the message. Probably in a sentence or
five, rather than five paragraphs.
Now where was I - Ah yes - this is a story of illicit love and the way
it was achieved. Interesting and dangerous - but somehow unfinished. The
sex is hot and steamy even if some of the narrative is intrusive. In the
end it would make the good 'before' half of a before and after proof
reading. Sadly it seems that the author got so worked up about his
biological descriptions that he ran out of steam, or ideas on how to
finish the story. It is not bad, but could be a whole heap better. This
story needs working on, finishing, - proof-reading, not so much for
spelling or grammar, but rather for editing and tidying. It needs a
polishing that could be achieved with a little help. It has a great deal
of potential - please seek out help from the proof-reading service that
Celeste offers. I should very much like to see it re-worked, it could be
an excellent story.
Ratings for "Ann's Secret Room"
Technical quality: 8
Plot & character: 7.5
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 4 (Sorry that's the 'passion killer in the
middle!)
"Love Song" by Eve Feral (eveferal@mailanon.com). Guest review
by Dart.
It's Eve's birthday. Her friend and co-worker, Janice, who understands
how to organize and inspire a party, collects three carloads of people
to help her celebrate. They begin with dinner at a Mexican restaurant,
and then move to Sassy's, a blues club with a special ambiance. Eve
could smell the ambiance, the scent of sexual arousal, and hear it, the
sexual sound of blues music. It seems that Sassy's is a place where
uninvited touches are expected.
Aroused by the sensuality of the music and with Janice's encouragement,
Eve finally moves to the dance floor. Fortunately, with her birthday as
justification, she had earlier decided to live a freer life and thus has
left her bra off, and, on an impulse, has left her panties in the car.
This allows the silk of her blouse to caress her nipples into hardness
as she sways to the music.
Jim, a co-worker and friend, offers to get her a drink. The drink
arrives, and with it a hard cock. She makes eye contact with the guitar
player. Cock, Eve, and the guitar player roll their circle of sensuality
to its proper conclusion.
I like this story, but I have a few quibbles: Because the story is quite
readable and, in general, nicely written, I was surprised to find six or
seven misspelled words. Then, at Sassy's, Eve smelled sexual arousal
despite a smoke filled room, and I knew her nose must be a great deal
more sensitive than mine. Also, I don't think one needs a birthday as an
excuse to go braless, but the story implies than she came from work that
way, which distracted me by making me wonder about her work environment.
And why did she leave her panties in the car, and not in her purse? I
know: Bitch, bitch, bitch! But I did like the story.
Ratings for "Love Song"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Sweet Darcy" by Will Capehart Brown (LIBERTYES@prodigy.net). Guest
review by BluePencil.
Reviewers sometimes get a nasty, perverse, pleasure when given the
chance to rip apart an absolute stinker of a story. We can show off our
vast erudition, our mordant humor, our deft use of the well-honed,
incisive, cutting phase. In short, we get a chance to bully with
impunity, a privilege we share with dictators, traffic cops, and
teachers.
When Celeste passed this story to me for reviewing, I was reaching for
my supply of vitriol before I had finished the first few paragraphs. To
put it bluntly, the grammar and sentence construction don't merely limp,
they hobble. I settled in to read the rest of the story, smugly
anticipating the erudite thuggishness I could call down upon the hapless
author's helpless head.
Only one thing prevented me from writing that sort of review - despite
the technical flaws, this is a good story. With the aid of a helpful
editor, this could have been a very good story.
The basic story is simple:
Darcy wears a revealing dress in an unsuccessful attempt to get her
husband to notice her. Though he doesn't, a man she meets at an art
show does. They repair to his studio where they have passionate sex.
Darcy goes home to her husband, who doesn't seem to notice Darcy's just-
been-fucked glow. Fin.
Despite the simple plot structure, this is one of the hardest sorts of
stories to write well. In far too many stories, despite lovingly
described and detailed sex scenes, the characters have all the emotional
depth and life of a cardboard cutout; the sex scenes so described have
all the interest and visceral appeal of watching Barbie and Ken in bed.
Brown manages to avoid this trap; though the depth is implied rather
explicit, it is none the less evident. Technical flaws or not, the sex
scenes are both hot and, somehow, oddly sweet. He has already mastered
the hardest parts of writing: character development and holding the
reader's interest. Flaws and all, I recommend this story.
Ratings for "Sweet Darcy"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot and character): 8
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Adrenaline Games" by DG (dionysian@hotmail.com). Guest review by
BillyG.
"Adrenaline Games" is a very well-written, tightly-knit tale by DG that
touches on the aphrodisiacal powers of risk and fear. DG gives his e-
mail address as dionysian@hotmail.com which gave me pause for a moment,
for one of the definitions of dionysian includes irrational, frenzied or
undisciplined. But it also touches on the orgiastic and ecstatic. As
it turns out, none of those apply so much as Nietzsche's philosophy of
creative-intuitive power.
That intellectual rumination aside, the story's hot, fast paced and
just a little bit tense as, of course, it's intended to be. Andrew
Miller is a 21-year-old college student who's just been arrested for the
rape of Sarah Glassman. When questioned by the detectives, he maintains
that it was all a game, that Sarah *wanted* to be raped for the thrill
of it.
The detectives are initially unmoved but when Andrew offers to tell the
whole story, they're willing, even eager to listen. The story flash
backs are very well done, capturing the mercurial antics of
unpredictable Sarah, "a weird chick." Initially she goads Andrew into
tying her up but she wasn't prepared for his creativeness. He surprises
and thrills her with his spontaneous topping. She clearly gets off on
edge work. Hunter Thompson might well have used her in his book, "Fear
and Loathing in Las Vegas."
They get hooked on their own adrenaline-producing scares. I've done
just enough of my own edge work to have an appreciation for fear-
generated juice. But did something go wrong? Did Sarah go round the
bend on the last one? Is Andrew going to take a fall because of this
"weird chick?"
By all means, read the story and try to imagine yourself in it. It'll
get your juices going.
Grades: 10,10,10
"The Barber Chair" by WenchSaucy (wenchsaucy@aol.com). Guest review by
Anne747.
The plot for the story is fairly simple. A woman enters a hair salon
just before closing, and hands herself over to the woman there for "the
full treatment" - okay a consensual D/s piece. With my own dislike of
D/s I knew it wasn't likely I was going to enjoy the piece. That's okay
though, it seemed to follow the idea of safe, sane, and consensual.
Even to the point where a safeword was discussed.
It just doesn't read very well for a D/s story. The slow sensual start
moves quickly into pain, where the woman strapped to the chair doesn't
even consider using the safeword. We move next to a shaving scene,
eventually followed by an oral sex scene. The sub talks back to much,
the Domme doesn't really deal with this. From what I've seen either you
do, or you're punished. If the punishment gets out of hand, you stop
it.
No, that's not entirely true. From the few people I know who are
involved in real life D/s relationships, this story doesn't ring true.
In general it's about two people who trust each other, exploring the
boundaries of the sub. A good `top' should have an idea of what those
limits are, which I don't think a stranger could.
Anyway, I know, it's fantasy. But I find myself going `nope, not
realistic' far too often in the piece. The part I have the most problem
with is the ending. The sub is left strapped to the chair for the
night, a vibrator buzzing away. The safeword is whispered in the dark
at the end, probably for a dramatic finish. But it only emphasizes how
dangerous this scene is. You don't leave someone strapped to a chair
for 10 or 12 hours. Too many things could go wrong, and the term
negligent homicide comes to mind.
The writing is fairly fluid, although there are a few errors that a
spell-check and perhaps another read over would catch. I dropped the
Venus grade a couple of points because I just can't buy the motivation
of either character.
It has come up recently about what purpose constructive criticism
should, or does, play with the writer. For me, to get that
plot/character mark up to a 10 would require probably only a couple of
changes. Now, these are just MY opinions. The author may take them as
such, or ignore them too. But it could be a very good `consensual BDSM'
piece with just a few changes.
First, make the connection a personal one between the two women, that
way it would be understood that the limits were defined - or explain why
she was sent. Second, either make the sub more submissive, or the Domme
more strict. And at the end, when the woman is left strapped to the
chair, have the Domme lock and close the door, but remain inside. The
woman in the chair need not know that she's standing in the darkness
waiting to hear the safeword. It could still be written with a dramatic
finish.
{Note from Celeste: The Saucy Wench has written three stories that I
know of. "Trick or Treat" was exceptional; the other two were not. My
advice is for the Wench to look at her stories and to do more of what
she did in "Trick or Treat."}
Ratings for "The Barber Chair"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Day on the Island" by Unknown Author (Reposted by The Velvet Playground
<http://sd.znet.com/~velvet>). Guest review by Mike Hunt.
Thanksgiving approaches, and it is a good time to reflect on everything
good that life has provided: employment, family, possessions, and so on.
It's one of the more meaningful holidays, and this Thanksgiving I will
be giving thanks that I never have to think about this story again.
"Day on the Island" begins its so-called plot by introducing two
couples, Joyce and John and Steve and Alice and two dogs named Jake and
Fluff. You'd have to be thick as a brick not to see where the story is
going, and unfortunately it does. Alice is eaten by the great Dane,
raped by the poodle, fucked by the husband, caressed by Joyce, and
fucked again by the friend. All in the short span of a few hours. And
gosh, she loves it all.
The prose is stilted, the tenses change in mid-sentence, the story is
stupid, the characters have no motivation, the ending is trite. There.
I've saved you 28 pages of dreadful reading. Don't say I never did
anything for you.
Ratings for "Day on the Island"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 4
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Strip Poker Party" By Dive Master (storypost@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Kim.
This is one of those stories that seem to be invading ASS at the moment.
It's really just a come-on to a commercial web site (adult check
bullshit). However, I shouldn't judge a story by how it's being used,
but by what I thought of it for it's own merits.
It tells of a party breaking up and leaving five people behind to
continue the merrymaking. The four woman, and one man, decide they'll
play strip poker. As anyone would, of course.
Renee, Susan, Jennifer, Lori, and Chuck are soon shuffling the cards,
playing the hands and peeling the clothes. I think Dive Master has
something of a fetish for lingerie, because the clothes the girls are
wearing are given such loving descriptions at every turn, that you begin
to wonder if you've not opened the pages of a fashion magazine by
mistake.
Pretty soon, everyone's shedding clothes like there's no tomorrow and
with them, their inhibitions. The girls constantly vie with each other
to allow Chuck to assist in the removal of each item of clothing as it's
removed. Lucky Chuck!
So what do you do when you've run out of clothes? Simple, you start
playing forfeit poker. Each losing hand results in a penalty of some
sort. Susan for instance, has to masturbate for one minute in front of
everybody. Lori has to give Susan a passionate kiss and so on.
They soon give up with the penalties and get down to a good orgy. With
all of the women taking turns at coming on Chucks stiff cock, as he lays
on his back.
So, was it any good? Well, it starts off as a fashion parade and ends in
an improbable orgy, wherein Chuck manages to sustain an erection
apparently indefinitely. All the women have to do is impale themselves
for instant ground shaking orgasms. Firmly in the fantasy land of wish
fulfillment then. But, hey we can all have wishes can't we?
Oh, and I didn't get an adult check to see the site, so I guess it
failed in it's main aim.
Ratings for "Strip Poker Party" By Dive Master
Athena (technical quality): 9 (Nothing wrong with the writing,
just not sparkling)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (Can you say "fantasy figures")
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 9 (Made me want to play with myself,
so I did)
* "My So-Called Sex Life" by David Kelly. I have watched "My So Called
Life" on television just a few times. It must conflict with something
else I do. It was a good show, and my kids watch it regularly. My
impression is that the television show deals with emerging adolescence
in a quasi-humorous fashion; and this set of stories is going to attempt
to give a similar treatment to emerging sexuality. So far this series
is pretty good. The first story starts out with the young heroine going
to her parents bedroom to ask permission to go out. When no one
responds to her knock, she opens the door and sees her mom giving her
dad head, while a porn flick runs on the television screen. "At least
they weren't using handcuffs," she smiles, as she runs out of the house.
"What's that on Daddy's face?" asks her little sister. So the author
had my attention.
Episode 1 is mostly about an all-girl threesome, with Angela
contemplating taking the plunge with Jordan Catalano, the young man who
is the "object of her desires and thirty four separate masturbation
fantasies." The dialog is natural and sexy: "I gave Jordan a hand job.
It was... nice." Angela said. "Nice?" Rayanne said, "you make it sound
like a Hallmark card or something!"
In the second episode Angela and Jordan do the deed. It was indeed
nice. I look forward to more of these thoroughly enjoyable episodes. I
may even watch the original show more often.
Although lightheartedness pervades both episodes, there are some serious
insights. For example, after the all-girl mini-orgy, there's this
passage: "What does this mean?" Angela wondered. "It's not like I am
attracted to women, but it was, um, good. What if I do it too much and
become no longer attracted to guys? Time to re-think this." This is an
important thought. Teenagers should be open to the idea that same-sex
activities (and fantasies) are likely to be really enjoyable; and they
should be able to think about this option without either (a) being
filled with disgust over not being "normal" or (b) committing themselves
to a lifelong designation as gay or lesbian. Life is more complicated
than that.
To be perfectly honest, I'd prefer that my own 15-year-old daughter
discover that she enjoys *fantasizing* about doing it with other girls
as much as she enjoys *fantasizing* about doing it with boys. I'm not
going to disown my children if I find out they've been having sex; but I
really do like the idea of letting them grow up before they become
active participants. I myself graduated as a popular, heterosexual
student athlete who happened to be a virgin; and I am absolutely certain
that my virginity was not a personality flaw that impeded my future sex
life.
So who's going to read these stories - the under-18-year-olds who
comprise the protagonists or the older generation who are theoretically
allowed to read this stuff on a.s.s.? I suppose the Christian Coalition
would object - and I am not going to leave these stories on the coffee
table for my children; but I would not really be upset to know that my
children were reading stories like this. The teenage movies and TV
shows are filled with innuendo; these episodes just make explicit what
is implicit in those stories. My kids have already heard my lecture
about how real-life differs from the movies. (For those who are
interested, here are the three big differences: (1) People have to
fall in love and jump into the sack really quickly in the movies,
because more realistic and desirable timelines are impractical in a two-
hour movie or half-hour TV episode. (2) Indians really would not be so
dumb as to ride around in circles, and some of the bullets would hit
horses. (3) At least occasionally the Indians would rape the women
(and men) whom they captured.) So even though I encourage people to
follow the laws of their state or nation, I'm not going to be upset if
consenting adolescents occasionally see these stories.
The other major audience for these stories consists of "old" people
(over age 18), who can remember what it was like to be a teenager. Even
though I graduated from high school without ever doing anything like the
activities described in this story, I can identify with them. Doing
these things would be fun. Even the Christian Coalition people would
have fun doing these things. They'd go to hell, maybe; but they'd have
fun. And that's what fiction is for - vicariously doing things that for
some reason (in this case, a good reason, if eternal damnation were
really a possible consequence) you would otherwise never experience.
All right - so that's not the only reason for fiction; but it's one good
reason anyway.
Ratings for "My So-Called Sex Life"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Matter Of Curiosity" by James Charles Lynn (Reposted by
olifra@mbox.vol.it). Debi has been contemplating having sex with
another woman, but she wants John to come along as a sort of security
blanket. All goes well, but then Amy (the other woman) realizes that
John may be feeling lonely; and so she finds a way to rectify that
situation. They eventually become happy hedonists, much like the people
in "The Trinity Trilogy" series.
While recognizing the rough spots that are likely to occur in such a
threesome, this story still manages to present some really hot sex in a
plausible context. As I have said in the past, I can think of lots of
reasons for not doing things like this, but the notion that it doesn't
sound like fun is not one of my reasons.
Ratings for "A Matter Of Curiosity"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Infinity" by J.M. (LlIIllII@@aol.com). Educators consider it
to be a good thing when their students integrate their school
knowledge with their real lives. That's why math teachers would
be impressed with this story. The narrator of this story had a
custom of rating a particular part of a girl's anatomy on a
numerical scale based on how many months he could keep its image
clearly in his head while masturbating. He rated Naomi's tits a 2
and Betsy's underpants a 1. Maybe someday, he fantasized, he'd see
an Infinity - something so hot, so sexy, that even if he were
shipwrecked on a desert island, he'd be able to jerk off thinking
about it for the rest of his life. Hence, the title of this
story. His old record was a six for Mrs. Patterson; but that's
another story
The young narrator has liberal, progressive parents - the kind
Drs. Spock and Ruth would be proud of. When they found him
masturbating at age 10, they explained to him that masturbation
was normal, as long as he did not do it publicly or too often.
The term "too often" set a high upper limit. It was like telling
him not to have too much fun or not to fuck a girl who's too sexy
- there ain't no such thing!
With his parents' approval the kid used to jerk off every morning
before breakfast. One morning the poor lad was having trouble -
the mental imagery just wasn't working; and so his mom stepped
into the room and gave him a boost. Things worked themselves out
quickly, so to speak. Coincidentally, that very day Mr. Dulles
(also known as Mr. Dullest) discussed Infinity in math class.
Because of his pre-breakfast adventures, our hero understood the
concept better than most of the other students.
Dad met Eternity shortly after his son discovered Infinity. He
died in a traffic accident. He lost control of the car and
crashed into an abutment because he got a little too excited while
masturbating behind the wheel. MAMD - Mothers Against
Masturbating Drivers - would not like that part of the story; or
maybe they WOULD like it, since it shows what can happen to guys
who let masturbation get out of hand. MAROP - Mothers Against
Really Old Puns - wouldn't like that last sentence at all.
The story has a surprise ending, which I won't disclose to you.
My main difficulty with the story was with some of the strange
characteristics in the text I downloaded. There was a large O
with two or three dots, which I think stood for ellipses. There
was an I with an accident mark, which I think was a fancy
apostrophe - except that in some chapters the apostrophes were
omitted completely. I have seen these characters before, and I
have been told that they occur because the author is using "higher
ASCII characters," which do not automatically occur on all word
processors. My problem is this: even though my word processor
(Word 6.0) CAN deal with them, they get lost in the translation
somewhere on the Internet. My advice to authors is to avoid using
these characters. Since authors will ignore this perfectly
sensible advice, my recommendation to readers is to use a global
change strategy to get rid of these unintelligible characters.
For example, you could load all five parts of this story into a
single file, move your cursor to the beginning, select the "i"
with the accent mark, copy it, go into your replace function,
paste the strange sample into the "replace what" area, type an
ordinary apostrophe into the "replace with" area, and then choose
"replace all." By doing this with about five weird characters -
actually I think I reviewed a story recently about somebody doing
something else with about five weird characters - by doing this
with about five weird textual characters you can make the text
readable.
I spontaneously interpreted this story as satire - kind of like
"Cat Ballou" or "Naked Gun 69." The author has a really
interesting style. He pulls absolutely outlandish ideas out of
nowhere. In the past I have speculated about authors being
someone else reincarnated. It is not necessary to conjure up
reincarnation to explain the true authorship of this story. If
you really want to know about it, this story is obviously written
by J.D. Salinger, who is now 77 years old, living in New England
(where this story takes place), and reliving his further
adolescent fantasies through cyberspace on alt.sex.stories.
I think that if Zeno would have had access to this story, he would
have had another paradox about Infinity. Approach this story as
excellent satire, and have fun.
Ratings for "Infinity"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Just the Facts" by Imma Scared (forceme@bigfoot.com). This story is
allegedly written by a woman who likes to write forced sex stories. OK,
if you say so.
The guy has been stalking the girl. He grabs her and takes her to his
place. Then he talks nasty to her and forces himself on her. If you
enjoy this story, and/or have ideas on how the author should continue.
you should contact him. I have no idea why this story has this title -
except maybe it's just the facts and no grammar or emotions.
Ratings for "Just the Facts"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
* "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (AnnD55@pipeline.com). Cathy
Donohue has a habit that helps her get through boring meetings:
she picks out someone in the crowd and has sexual fantasies about
that person. Imagine that! You don't think students do that to
their teachers, do you? Even worse - you don't think readers of
these reviews would do that to this reviewer, do you?
Anyway, Cathy is a member of the local PTA and she has a theory
that the initials actually stand for Pussy Tits and Ass. I myself
once went to a major PTA meeting wearing a tee-shirt that said,
"PTA is in the middle of temPTAtion!" I was advised to remove the
shirt by an officer who is very unlikely to be reading this
review: "What if the newspapers take a picture of you?" I was
tempted to literally remove the shirt right then and there, but
saner heads prevailed.
In her secret life, Cathy Donohue is Anne O'Donnell, writer of
erotic short stories. Of course, the people of her community
think of her as merely a happy homemaker and helpful member of the
community, not as a porn writer. {This story is starting to
strike too close to home.} Unfortunately, the college kid who
comes to fix her computer makes the connection between Cathy and
the Internet. Fortunately, he's a hunk.
Being a gentleman, Glen promises not to reveal Cathy's secret
identity. Being a lady, Cathy asks if there is anything she can
do to repay him for fixing her computer. Being a horny virgin,
Glen asks her to write a story for him. Being a horny non-virgin,
she offers to go one better than that. Being a sexually active
person, I'm getting pretty horny myself at this point. Being an
English teacher, I'm pretty impressed with the parallel use of
participial phrases in this paragraph. That's it! If I
concentrate on the grammar I can make it through this story
without having to do anything about my more mundane urges.
OK. They're fucking now. Damn this is good stuff! I've got to
do something to help me finish this story. The grammar.
Concentrate on the grammar. Oh good, she said "eluding" when she
meant "alludinig" - I mean alluding - I'm going to make it - or
should that be "illuding"? Damn! I'm not going to make it after
all. Maybe if I rub my pussy just a little while I finish this
review... I'll even keep my pants on.... This won't be hard....
Won't be HARD! I've gotta watch what I say, but it's hard - I
mean difficult - to type with just one hand... Oh good, she said
"...excuse as to why she stood home." She's talking like Yogi
Berra now. She meant "stayed home." Maybe she shoulda slud. I'm
starting to lose it.... It really won't hurt to take my panties
off.... Oh, Oh! Sabrina has found out that her son Glen fucked
Cathy; but now they're discussing how she found out. Encryption!
That's good; if they keep on discussing encryption I may even be
able to put my panties back on. No; they're already too wet. Oh,
great! Sabrina knows Cathy's secret identity, and she even made
hard copies of her stories and took them on the cruise with her
and therefore she humped her husband with renewed vigor each night
and sometimes during the day. Oh shit! Now they're discussing
their sexual relationships with other women.... If they make love
to each other, I'm going to cum in my pants.... Except that I'm
not wearing any pants.... Would you believe my husband's at a
meeting at church? I'm a grown woman; I can take care of
myself.... Good! She said "lay" instead of "lie" but that doesn't
help - too much sexual innuendo in the "L" words. Now they're
making love. I mean REALLY MKAING LOVE. OOOOH SHIIIIIT!!!!
This was an exceptionally good story. I strongly recommend it.
Ratings for "Crossing The Line"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Rube's Story" by Bazarov. There are many reasons to dislike
this story. It's difficult to read because it attempts to convey
a heavy dialect that will be unfamiliar to many readers. It's
about a mother fucker, and even the dictionary doesn't like mother
fuckers. But there are also good reasons to like this story. If
the reader takes the trouble to read carefully, the story conveys
the accent and dialect of the protagonist very effectively. And
that protagonist is "the boss-man a' motherfuckers."
When I received this story from the author, I was upset because it
contained a large number of little squares sprinkled throughout
the text. This is how my computer registers "unrecognized
characters." I sent a message to the author pointing out my
problem, and he simply sent me another copy of the same thing.
Frankly, I thought he was an illiterate fool who would go away if
I asked for a good copy. When I eventually received my third
copy, I decided to try replacing all the unrecognized characters
with apostrophes; and it became clear to me what the author was
trying to do. I was dealing not with typographical errors or with
a computer foul-up, but with dialect.
Writing dialect effectively is difficult - and so is reading it.
It's necessary for the reader to slow down and pretty much look at
each word - at least until the flow starts coming naturally. In
addition to using a dialect that differed from mine, I found that
the author was expressing the ideas of a man whose outlook on life
and modes of thinking were a lot different than mine. And so I
said to myself, "It's the Christmas holidays. Why not spend a
couple of hours expanding my horizons by reading in an unfamiliar
dialect about a guy fucking his mother!"
To put it kindly, the story focuses on the exploits of a young
gentleman who was initially uninterested in sexual intimacies with
his mother but whose ardor was aroused when he came across some
magazines containing letters "from fellers who'd been feedin'
their mothers a steady diet a' sausage an' these women who'd been
treatin' their lil' boys with pleanty a' candied fruit." To tell
you more would run the risk of ruining your enjoyment of this
story. I might mention, however, that near the end of the story
the narrator wonders what life will be like "in 'bout ten years
when her bush be sprouted out with the gray hairs an' her ass
startin' t' sag t' the floor." My own assumption is that 'long
'bout that time he'll start plowin' th' field of L'll Sadie, who
should sho'nuff have a right fine bush of her own by that time.
This is an extremely literate tale about an illiterate and
dysfunctional family. The author carries off the dialect
exceptionally well. I recommend absolutely none of the activities
in this story. In real life I would suggest that Mama pull the
trigger on the 45. But I really enjoyed this story.
Ratings for "A Rube's Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10