Celestial Reviews 226 - October 18, 1997
Note: Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where
will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.
It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a
week allowance. That should be enough."
Getting exasperated, since Johnny seemed to have all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
Second note: With Malinov's Spam Contest raging in my brain, I came
across <g> an entry in a.s.s. that bellowed, "SEXTRONAUTS!" Suspecting
a possible story, I downloaded it and found that it was just another
spam picture - one of a strangely familiar blonde women with a naughty
look about her. But wouldn't you think the blonde bimbo on the beach
with bare breasts would at least have a remote astronaut theme? Nope.
Nada, unless you count the apparent effects of gravity. I'm
disillusioned. I now suspect that the YOUNG, DUM, AND FULL OF CUM
people may not be full after all.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Letter from Yossi" by Deidre Ng (fivesome) 9, 10, 10
"The Tingle" by DG (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
"Raping Amy" by Wiley06 (rape) 9, 10, 10
"My first story" by Hiccup1049 (voyeurism) 6, 5, 5
Guest Reviews:
"Aphasian Nights" by the Swede (sci fi sex) 9, 8, 6
"Ireland Adventure " by Aaron Hall & TDS (sword and sorcery
nonsense) 6, 7, 3
"The Tutor" by Ann Douglas (college romance) 8, 6, 6
"Nine Ball" by mnelson (gambling for sex) 7, 8, 9
"The Android Affair" by Tomcat (sci fi sex) 8, 7, 7
"Betrayed Wife's Revenge" by Rajah Dodger (femdom revenge)
9.5, 7, 8
"Xena: Plans" by Anonymous (superhero sex) 9.5, 8, 9
"The Bus Story" by El Sol (hot and dirty romance) 10, 10, 10
"Letter from Yossi" by Deidre Ng (Deidre Ng@aol.com). Allison, Brittany,
and Crystal (conveniently, ABC) are typical American tourists in the
Middle East, who are more than happy to talk to a handsome Israeli guy
in uniform, who is nonchalantly holding an Uzi behind them in the car
rental line. So they travel with Yossi and his three reservist friends.
Of course, the girls discuss the Torah and learn the name for those
little beanies that Jewish men wear, and that's about all there is to
this story - NOT!
Actually, A and B are shy girls and stay in their own motel room, while
Crystal expresses their gratitude to the guys. The heroic soldiers
explore her foreign territory every which way they can, including in the
bomb shelter during a rocket attack.
The story includes minor grammar errors, but maybe that's because the
author is trying to write in the style of the soldier, Yossi. After
all, if he could write really well, he'd be Minister of Defense and be
fucking a beautiful English teacher instead of gang-banging a humble
American tourist.
Ratings for "Letter from Yossi"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Tingle" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). In this Seinfeld episode,
Elaine reveals to Jerry that when a woman touched her recently, she got
this story's eponymous tingle, suggesting that she might be a closet
lesbian. The problem is that Elaine has already set Alyssa up with
George Costanza, and Alyssa professes to be impressed with the fact that
George still lives with his parents. {No, this is not an incest story -
she's faking that part!} However, Alyssa does have secrets, which I
won't disclose here; and she gets George a job writing spam ads for the
sexually explicit website operated by Lovenet Communications; but George
has trouble writing good slogans and has to bring Kramer in as a
consultant.... Well, you can probably figure out where this is going.
In several respects this story overlaps with Malinov's Spam Contest.
A good sitcom parody for this newsgroup should both be sexy and adhere
to the format of the show which it parodies. This story does both. If
you like both sex and Seinfeld, you'll enjoy this story.
Ratings for "The Tingle"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Raping Amy" by Wiley06 (Reposted by Imma Scared <forceme@bigfoot.com>).
Aside from some careless grammatical errors this is a well-written story
about a college guy who rapes a female student, and she enjoys it. It's
not quite clear whether the author thinks he is writing an adolescent
fantasy or a story about a seriously dysfunctional woman who enjoys
being mistreated by a genuine creep. The view from inside the rapist's
mind is clearly described; what scares me is that there are people who
will read this story and think this sort of behavior is neat.
Actually, while many normal women really do enjoy fantasizing about
experiencing cruel abuse like that described in this story, men are
seriously mistaken if they believe that there are many women who would
react like Amy - or that any woman who reacts this way is free of
serious personality problems.
Ratings for "Raping Amy"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My first story" by Hiccup1049 (Hiccup1049@aol.com). I enjoy reading
first stories, especially when they turn out to be immediate winners.
This is not an instant winner: it's a partial story about a guy who sees
a girl naked. To turn this into a winner, the author should develop a
whole plot and then proofread the story before posting it.
Ratings for "My first story"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Aphasian Nights" by the Swede. Guest review by BillyG.
This is a cute science-fiction story about teenagers and aliens. It's a
science-fiction-fuck story, not an erotic story, not even a story of
seduction, for that matter. Everyone in the story has round heels with
the libido of a rabbit, so the nuances of developing sexual tension are
dispatched quickly.
The protagonist, Martin Prescott, is a 6'4" high-school junior, and the
heroine, Aphaisa, is approximately 7'4"! That's right, about a foot
taller. Ostensibly she's an exchange student from Guatemala, but we
quickly learn that in fact she's an alien from the planet Hornia who's
come to abduct our boy for stud services (what else?) back home.
Actually, it's a bit more complicated than that; for Martin will be used
as a tool in the invasion and domination of Earth by resources-hungry
Hornia.
Martin's sister Violet has just passed the rigorous test for induction
into the high school cheerleading squad. The test? Sexual gymnastics
with all the rest of the cheerleaders, of course. We meet the entire
squad of them, all girls and one guy. There are more characters in this
story it seems than the troupe of circus clowns that pour out of a VW.
There's lots of zero-buildup vanilla sex, a fair amount of girl-girl
stuff, and a little touch of brother-sister incest. In fact, at the
critical moment, Violet Prescott must help fuck her brother back to
consciousness to save both worlds. (More often in real life it happens
the other way - that is, somnolence *follows* sex)
It's a long story with generous measures of gratuitous sex. There are
too many names to remember, but that's OK; everyone has a bit part.
Still, there's a penalty; for given the numbers of players from both
worlds and the superficiality of their involvement, there's almost no
erotic charge. Unless you really get off on science fiction invasion
stories peopled with giant women.
Aphasia? It bothered me until I remembered. Aphasia is a medical word
taken from the Greek - _aphatos_ - which means speechless. As near as I
can tell, it's employed in this story without any particular meaning.
Hell, everybody talks!
Ratings for Aphasian Nights:
Technical merit: 9 (A point off for several dumb spelling errors)
Plot & character: 8
Appeal to reviewer: 6 (A teenaged science-fiction buff woulda
ranked it higher.)
"Ireland Adventure" - Original story by Aaron Hall, edited and expanded
by TDS. Guest review by Kim.
When I first received this from Celeste I was mildly alarmed to see
Word's page counter race up to nearly 250. After messing with it for
awhile, I got that down to just under a 100. But that's still a big
story by ASS standards.
The story is a sword and sorcery epic. A couple of American tourists,
Don and his wife Judy, are on vacation in Ireland and are staying in a
castle, now a hotel.
While out roaming the grounds of the castle, Don happens across a
ghostly lady hovering in a pond. She persuades him that he must rescue
her. Deciding he didn't really care for this life after all, he follows
her into the pond, and emerges out the other side, to discover that he's
gone back in time 350 years.
At this point I was actually enjoying the story. Time travel, shimmering
lady ghosts, castles, a foreign country - all enjoyable elements. I
really thought I was going to like reading this.
Alas, it was not to be. I'm not sure if I can blame the original author,
or the adapter, but what follows is a seemingly endless succession of
pedophiliac encounters. By the time we reached the scene of our 41-year-
old hero raping a 13 year old girl, while she was being held down by her
two teenage sisters, encouraging her with such lines as "Be his whore!
Be his slut!" I was about ready to hand it back to Celeste with a
"thanks, but no thanks". However, I decided to persevere in the hope
that the underlying story might be interesting.
I started skipping the continual underage sex scenes and tried to
concentrate on the story. Unfortunately it's riddled with silly
anachronisms. All the girls wear bras, most of them speak like they come
from California, rather than Dublin, and at one point our hero(?) comes
across a moat filled with alligators. Not a common sight in Ireland, I
would think.
Having apparently screwed the entire teen population of Ireland, Don
rescues the Princess, gets knighted, has twenty years knocked off his
life by magic, becomes King, brings his wife back from the future, rapes
her till she's literally mindless, and then gives her to a passing
blacksmith. All that before breakfast.
The finale is a three-way golden-shower contest between Sir Don, the
Queen, and a handmaid, who all try to see how much of each other's piss
they can drink. Oh, and he makes them both pregnant.
Now I was really tempted to award another of my infamous triple zero's,
but I got firmly rapped over the knuckles by Celeste last time, so I
won't be doing that again any time soon.
But I would if I could.
Ratings for "Ireland Adventure " by Aaron Hall & TDS.
Athena (technical quality): 6 (Silly anachronisms, weak dialog)
Venus (plot & character): 7 (A worthy premise, that's been fumbled)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 3 (Pedophilia makes me sick)
"The Tutor" by Ann Douglas (AnnD@Pipeline.Com). Guest review by Kim.
Having only just recovered from my last review, and then having to turn
down another story due to not having seen the source material it was
based on, I hoped I would be third time lucky. Well, Celeste tried her
best. An Ann Douglas story should be good, right? I personally had not
read one of Ann's stories before, but I was aware of her considerable
reputation.
So it was with anticipatory pleasure I sat down to read....
The central character is a college boy named Scott who's the archetypal
dweeb we're all so familiar with. Ill-fitting glasses, zits, weedy,
uncoordinated body, and casually acquired straight-A grades. Next cliche
to make an appearance is the snooty set of cheerleaders, who only have
eyes for the jocks. Oh dear... I'm sure I've seen all this before...
many times.
What follows is a hastily contrived plot involving one of the selfsame
snooty cheerleaders offering Scott her body in return for help with a
history paper. Oh, and the girl, Candy, happens to be black. I mention
this only so I can quote the line, "Give me that pretty white cock! Fuck
my black ass!" that Candy cries, when they're finally getting down to
it. That was after she had given him a blowjob in the open doorway of
his house, of course.
I don't know; maybe it's me, but I felt the whole thing was something
that Ann must have dashed off in a coffee-break and then forgot to
proofread, or better yet rewrite. It just seems painfully sloppy and
rushed. The central characters and plot are so clicheed it's unnerving.
I don't know if I'm being unduly harsh here, because I was expecting so
much more from one of the supposed better authors that post to ASS, but
really it just isn't very good. It lacks any originality, charm, wit, or
most damagingly any erotic arousal. Now I'm not saying a good story has
to necessarily have any of those attributes, but it would have to be
pretty special to get by without them. Sadly this story isn't special.
Even the "surprise" ending - yep, you guessed it, they fall in love -
comes across as unbelievable.
Unfortunately then, a major disappointment to me. I can only imagine Ann
was having a bad day when she wrote this one. I'm sure her other stories
must be better than this.
Hey, on a different note, I like the way some of the other reviewers are
starting to justify their marks with bracketed comments. I thought I was
the only one crass enough to do that. :)
Ratings for "The Tutor"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (Inexplicably suffering from
many typos)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (A plot that was old before I was born)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Distinctly average and failed to
arouse me)
"Nine Ball" by mnelson (mnelson663@aol.com). Guest review by
DG.
I've noticed that the gut appeal of an erotic story is often very
different from my intellectual opinion of it. A well-written and
plotted sex story often leaves me completely unmoved, while a story with
noticeable flaws can leave me with a smile and hard-on. This story was
one of the latter. It's pure formula all the way, but it's a formula
that pushes my buttons shamelessly.
The narrator plays a game of strip nine ball (that's a variation of
pool) with a sexy woman he's had his eye on. He's a better player when
their clothes are on, but as any reader of Delta's classic "Strip Chess"
knows, once the skin starts showing you throw the handicapping out the
window.
The writing and dialogue are mediocre and the text is poorly formatted
without enough indents and spaces, but the bottom line is that the story
works. Especially if you like pool and strip games, like I do.
Ratings for "Nine Ball"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
DG (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Android Affair" by Tomcat (Tomcat@cruzio.com). Guest review by
BluePencil.
Science fiction and erotica coexist oddly. Though science fictional
themes are popular, they are generally limited to just a few elements -
the Mind Control Device or its limited sibling the Mind Reading Device;
the Body Growth Stimulator (Why do we never read a story in which the
tongue becomes massively muscled? Why no stories about a hypertrophied
heinie? This is probably the most common science-fictional element on
a.s.s - how else can we account for all the 44DD bosoms and 10"
phalluses. Phalli? A pair of obvious fallacies, at any rate); and, of
course, the ever-popular Android Love Slave.
Though it's easy to satirize the poorly-written members of the genre, in
many cases the science-fictional elements work well. Changing just one
element in the World As We Know It aids the suspension of disbelief
needed to accept a story on its own terms. The more of the present
world that is discarded, the harder the author needs to work to fill in
the back story. This can be a daunting task. Not an impossible one -
Elf Sternberg manages it nicely - but a difficult one.
_The Android Affair_ follows the high concept route. Star travel,
cyborg/androids, Noble Savage Aliens (who look just like H. Sapiens), an
arguably sinister ?government? ?corporation? . . . Toto, we aren't in
Kansas anymore.
The problem is, the pieces don't appear to fit together. The grammar
and spelling are reasonable, but this world and the characters don't
grow on us; instead they are presented as indigestible expository lumps.
The story might well have been better presented as several shorter
stories set against a common background - far to many things are brought
up and left unexplored. And the sex, though frequent, seemed as
cobbled-on and rote as the rest of the storyline.
Despite its flaws, this is not a *bad* story - with a bit more focus,
and a helpful editor, this might have been a very good story. Tomcat
has most of the skills he needs now; what he needs now is some practice,
self-discipline, and a good editor.
Ratings for "The Android Affair"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 7
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Betrayed Wife's Revenge" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Kim.
Wow, do you realize I come of age with this review. Who'd have thought
I'd make it to 21 of 'em. Gosh, I remember when I really turned twenty-
one. If someone then had told me that one day I'd be writing reviews of
sex stories, that would be read the world over, I wouldn't have believed
them. Well that was 13* or so years ago and, like they say, things
change.
So what can I say about the 21st story? Well, it's a good old-fashioned
femdom story (see, I told you things change). A wife, Janet, finds a
pair of panties (erm, that's one pair, never did understand why we call
them a pair when there's only one, but I digress) tucked down between
the seats of their car.
Concluding that Don, her husband, must be having an affair with his work
colleague Lily, whom he car pools with, she sets out to wreak revenge.
Unable to decide quite what to do, she finally gets her inspiration from
an ad for a forthcoming S&M film on TV. Funny, I never seem to see ads
like that when I watch TV, but no matter.
Later, when all their kids have left for the evening, Janet manages to
drug Don with a spiked whisky and then strips him and cuffs him to a
chair. She then gets dressed in the de rigueur clothes required for a
dominatrix and waits for Don to regain consciousness.
Then, surprisingly enough, they have sex, which consists largely of the
enforced rimming of Janet, by Don naturally, while she fucks herself
with a large nubbly dildo. The climax of the scene has Don swearing
fidelity from now on, as Janet makes him come in his own mouth and
orders him to swallow.
And that's about it really. I always enjoy a powerful woman as the
central character, and I don't think Don was too upset by his treatment.
I'm afraid it didn't really do a lot for me hornywise, as it's about a
believable as a Tom and Jerry cartoon, but great fun for all that.
Celeste told me Rajah Dodger stories are always good for a clever twist.
Well I couldn't see one, but perhaps I'm missing something. Ah well.
Other than that, I've no complaints.
* I put that in for Uther's benefit. He's been wanting to know how old I
am for awhile, but is too much of a gentleman to ask directly. Hope that
hasn't dispelled too many notions of a precocious 16-year-old any of you
might have had. I just suffer the indignity of a childish sense of
humor, is all.
Ratings for "Betrayed Wife's Revenge"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5 (Nothing really I can put my
finger on)
Venus (plot & character): 7 (lacking in credibility)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 8 (Not at all bad, just didn't do much
for me)
"Xena: Plans" by Anonymous (posted for a friend by
trustno1@globalserve.net). Guest review by Piper
In this story, Xena and Gabrielle are not just a pair of friends
wandering around together, they are an established couple. And, like
many couples, they want kids. Only, there's this slight biological
problem, a problem that many couples have faced through the centuries.
This particular "one and one", added together, can't become three.
That's where their plan thing comes in. They need help. Since
Gabrielle is to be the bio mommy, Xena has decided that the daddy should
be somewhat like herself so that the child will carry some of her
attributes as well.
"Plan A" - find a good-looking, healthy, big, strong, dark-haired guy
with attitude. Where, you ask, can they find such a man? One who is
willing to donate something of himself to solve the women's problem? In
a bar, of course. Xena lines up the men, looks them over, and picks out
the candidate she likes the most. Only, this time, there's this other
slight problem. Xena is a little jealous, or over-protective, or
something. A dozen failed attempts later, Gabrielle comes up with "Plan
B".
I liked this story, despite the fact that Xena doesn't beat up any bad
guys. It brings out some of the flavor of the show and the show's main
characters. There are some guest stars. There are some decently well
written sex scenes between eager participants. There's some voyeurism.
There are even a number of cases of coitus impossibilus. (Hey, would
you do any better with a large, rather upset-looking Warrior Princess
holding an unsheathed sword and breathing down your proverbial neck from
a few feet away?)
Like many stories involving famous people, this one depends on the
reader already having an idea of who the protagonists are and what they
are like. This one might be less guilty than some others, but it still
falls into the same trap. Characterization suffers because the author
targets only a specific audience. In this case, the flaw could have
been avoided fairly easily, and in fact, the author does include a
modicum of physical and personal description. There's just not enough
in the story, by itself, to bring the characters to life.
Technically, I could find few flaws. I didn't find any typos or misused
words at all (maybe my eyes are going bad ;-)). The story could have
been better formatted, however. Breaks between segments would help cut
down on the confusion factor. Language usage isn't brilliant, but it is
good enough. There is one part of the story that confused me. In it,
the timeline seems to jump forward, then backward, then forward again,
with few clues given to help sort out what's happening.
So, does "Plan B" work? And who does it involve? I'm not telling!
This is an imaginative and fairly well-written story.
Ratings for "Xena: Plans"
Technical merit 9.5
Plot & character 8
Appeal to reviewer 9
"The Bus Story" by El Sol (munster@eden.rutgers.edu). Guest review by
Sven the Elder.
First of all an apology to El Sol - Celeste sent me this request for
review almost three weeks ago. Unfortunately I had just gone abroad to
work for three weeks, hence the delay - this has actually let me review
El Sol's' revised version as posted to a.s.s.m in week 41 (great service
Eli - keep going - please!) (plug for one of the best services the net
has at present, over. Personally I no longer can spare the time to wade
through the dross on a.s.s. Sad but true, and I know I may miss some
good stories.)
To the Story - which concerns a long-distance bus journey shared by two
freshmen who it turns out know each other, but only "just" - as it were.
It's a journey of discovery for both. It twists and turns, delightfully
at times. It has a gentle pace and a climax, in both uses of the word,
followed by a neat twist at the end. One of the devices in an Ann
Douglas story that used to please me greatly, was the neat little twists
and turns, usually with a clever one in the ending. Sometimes you could
see them coming, sometimes not - Ann was a master. El Sol has a good one
as well. That our hero will get himself seduced becomes a possibility.
Given the surroundings, the Bus, that he does is surprising, the twist
at the end a good one.
I liked this story, the characters were a little contrived but in a way
that you couldn't take offense at. The story was thought out well and
the construction a good one - my other hobby horse, a beginning, a
middle and an end, that left you wanting just a little more, were all
there. The sex, was sexy in an almost romantic, idealistic way, but
still contrived to be hot and dirty, the way good sex sometimes ought to
be. A good story, I enjoyed it greatly. After a wearing three week trip
a nice one to come back to - Thanks El Sol - thanks for asking me again
Celeste. I promise if asked again to be less tardy. She made me write it
out 50 times!
Ratings for "The Bus Story"
Technical quality: 10
Plot & character: 10
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 10