Celestial Reviews 225 - October 15, 1997
Note: A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a
leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman
was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the
afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his
way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then,
dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief, "What? On my own
time??"
Second Note: I got this from rec.humor.funny:
As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it
would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and
gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now
permanently cramped from using a mouse all day). I heard a soft moan,
but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed.
Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.
Second Note: More Cumshots:
Does an adulteress who orgasms with several lovers at once cumpound her
sin?
Are couples who can only climax in the missionary position on
cummission?
Do women who climax during group sex orgasm by cummittee?
Have those unfortunates who can't orgasm at all lost their cumpass?
Are anal orgasms our enduring legacy from Sodom and Cummorah?
Are newlyweds honeymooning in Mexico hoping to reach Cumcun? (we know
already that their favorite breakfast is a roll in bed with honey...)
Are those rarest of all gems, women who love to swallow, cumpassionate?
Do women who were left hanging there by premature ejaculators
cummiserate with each other?
Do women who buy that old chestnut that "sperm is good for your skin"
really improve their cumplexion?
Is a woman reaching an orgasm while getting great head from Noam Chomsky
supposed to yell "Cumming, linguist!!!"
Third Note: Halloween is cumming! I'll post a special issue of
Halloween-related stories. If you have stories you want me to review in
that issue, send them to me or post them on a.s.s.m. as soon as
possible.
Fourth note: When one of "our" authors makes good, I like to publicize
that fact . Mary Anne Mohanraj has published "Torn Shapes of Desire," a
128-page book containing many of the stories I have reviewed so
favorably plus a few other items, with Intangible Assets Manufacturing.
I understand that information is available at
http://www.iam.com/tsd.html. Good luck, Mary Anne!
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Table for Two" by Solstice (hypnosis) 10, 8, 8
"1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (oral sex)
9.5, 10, 10
"Conjugation" by Uther Pendragon (sexy word association)
10, 10, 10
"Eruption" by Lord Malinov (sex and music) 10, 10, 10
"Falling Into Grace" by Caintigern O'Niall (hot ff romance)
10, 10, 10
"SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (spam contest) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Soul of Dawn" by H. D. Meister (romance) 9, 10, 10
"Jean's Secret" by Robert Steele (teen & older neighbor)
7, 8, 8
"Happily Ever After" by losgud (sexy in-law) 8, 8, 9
"The Nature Girl" by Joseph Jasper (sex in the park)
"The Meeting" by Hardrock (cybersex becomes real sex)
6, 7, 6
"Xena: Another Shower of Gold" by Blackbelt (deity sex)
8, 9, 8.5
"Back to the Fold" by H.D. Meister (rebound romance)
"Batgirl - Blow-up Doll" by MD James (superhero sex)
9.5, 8, 5
"The Fetish Series" by Hawk Richards (porn parody) 10, 10, 6
"Table for Two" by Solstice (solstice@frontiernet.net). It's going to
be difficult to write a review that's shorter than this story. It's
definitely going to take me longer to write this review than it did to
read the story.
It's about a woman talking to a waiter about a man who is hypnotizing
and then fondling another woman in a restaurant in which the woman who
is watching the man hypnotize the woman is eating and the waiter who is
talking to the woman who is watching the man hypnotize the woman is
waiting.
In case that was confusing, we can try this:
It's about a woman
talking to a waiter
about a man
who is hypnotizing
and then fondling
another woman
in a restaurant
in which the woman
who is watching the man hypnotize the woman
is eating
and the waiter
who is talking to the woman
who is watching the man hypnotize the
woman
is waiting.
The story uses shorter sentences.
Ratings for "Table for Two"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (daphne@nym.alias.net).
This is another submission to Malinov's spam contest.
They don't have spam or blowjobs in China - at least "Shuming Zhao was
naive about these things when she came to college in the United States
to study computer science. The sexual descriptions are a combination of
the extremely explicit and the completely impersonal. People don't
really have sex this way - at least not very often - not even those
ubiquitous Asian teenagers who come to the United States to learn about
computers and sex.
Ratings for "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Conjugation" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.nyx.net). The
conjugation of a verb lists its forms by person, number, and tense. For
example,
I am, you are, he/she/it is, etc.
The derivation of the word "conjugation" comes from the Latin for "to
join together," and the term is used with this meaning in various areas
of science.
Strictly speaking, this story (or poem, if you wish) is not a
conjugation. Instead, the author takes several different verbs and
combines them with he, she, and they to describe the sort of things a
man and a woman might do while they are in the process of joining
together.
One of the interesting things about this story is that the phrases can
be read as either couplets or triplets, resulting in slightly different
impressions. Try it: it's fun. Or record it, and play it back at
interesting times. Or record it in French....
This piece is really quite delightful at what it does. It's just not
designed to tell a traditional story.
Ratings for "Conjugation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Eruption" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). This is one of those
rare stories that contain the word "azure."
This is not really a sexually explicit story; I think it could be
published in a mass-circulation magazine. It's essentially about a man
and a woman conversing about the music the man is writing to go along
with a friend's lyrics. The friend is the woman's lover, and although
the man is hot for the woman, all the sex in the story is merely
innuendo about what she and the lyrics writer do together in his mad
passion. Nevertheless, this is a very good story.
Ratings for "Eruption"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Falling Into Grace" by Caintigern O'Niall (Caintigern@deathsdoor).
Grace goes to a festival with her boyfriend, who is a bit of a
possessive jerk. During a lull in the action, her eye falls upon
Phylicia, and the result is mutual love at first sight. Grace lacks
experience with same-gender sex, but she learns quickly from the more
adept Phylicia.
The story is very well written. The non-sex dialogue and descriptions
add to the atmosphere, but they are not overdone. And the sex is just
plain hot.
Ratings for "Falling Into Grace"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (Taria@aol.com). The job of the protagonist in
this story is to promote spam; but the catch is that he works for Mr.
Hormel himself. For those of you who don't know, Spam is the "meat"
product that gave its name to the unwanted garbage that clutters your
email boxes and newsgroups - not vice versa. Anyway, it seems that Mr.
Hormel can't understand why he has been so vehemently rejected on the
Internet.
The story contains no sex - except by very indirect innuendo; but it's
still a very legitimate and creative entry for Malinov's contest. I
certainly enjoyed it!
Ratings for "SPAM CONTEST"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Soul of Dawn" by H. D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review by
BluePencil.
Dawn is leaving college, and wants to see her two closest male friends
one last time.
If Mike Hunt were writing this, they would have one last humor-laced
orgy. If this were one of Mark Aster's "My Friends the Allens" series,
they would have a hedonistic session of lovemaking, distinguishable from
an orgy only by its tenderness. If The Bear were writing, they'd have
sex, probably while drunk, but would feel a little guilty about it
later.
In spirit, Meister's handling of the story is closest to Aster's. But
Dawn, beautiful as she is, is also a virgin. And her friends are the
ones who got her through a shattering rape attempt.
This is a solidly character-driven story. Though the sex is well-
written, and integral to the story, it is only a piece of a larger
mosaic. Though there were a few minor flaws in the writing - at times,
the grammar felt forced, and the language melodramatic - it is well-
written, interesting, and appealing. Recommended.
Ratings for "Soul of Dawn"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot and character): 10
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Jean's Secret" by Robert Steele. Guest review by Madcap.
The toughest writing is a short story. Every word must count and every
sentence must imply the contents of a paragraph in a longer format. In
"Jean's Secret" the author almost carries it off, but the story needed a
little more polish. The plot: A computer aware teenager lives next door
to a pretty young widow . . . need I say more? I liked the story and
found the premise almost believable if somewhat underdeveloped. This was
a story that begged for a few more paragraphs to set up the action. When
it comes to endings this author is able to turn left and leave the
reader traveling in a straight line. Great ending: the trip from
beginning to end wasn't bad, and the ending is worth the effort.
Ratings for "Jean's Secret"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Madcap (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Happily Ever After" by losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Mark Aster.
Normal male, sexy sister-in-law staying over until she can find an
apartment of her own, a strapless halter blouse, soft meltingbreasts,
sighs, moans... The wife walks in on them at a crucial juncture
(there's a pun hiding there), and stuff happens. The author says "I
misplaced the pretense of plot and character development with this one",
and that's mostly true; this is mostly straight and joyous fucking, with
not much in the way of tension or teasing. The plot could have been
milked for a slower and more reluctant and sexier buildup, but hey
there's nothing wrong with straightforward coupling now and then,
especially when everyone's having such a good time.
There are some stylistic roughnesses here, although I have a hard time
describing them helpfully. The author is literate, more literate than
the average a.s.s.* poster, but something... Here's a passage:
>The way my dancing tongue made the whole area quiver made
>me want to keep on doing just that. But eventually I stopped.
>I stopped to do you know what. I pulled down her panties with
>the long slow touch, the public unveiling of the modern savior.
It's not BAD. I don't think. Maybe it's just idiosyncratic. Maybe I'd
come to love it by the end of the eighth or tenth story. But it was
distracting the first time through this one somehow. There's no obvious
antecedent for "just that", maybe? The "you know what" is sort of odd
because we don't know exactly what? "public unveiling of the modern
savior" just barely fails to make sense to me?
But anyway! This is getting to be more of an analysis than a review,
and this is the wrong venue for that. This is a story worth reading,
short and sweet, considerable hot and sticky sex, nice breasts, nipples,
lips, orgasms, and even just a hint of plot...
I'll try to actually do numbers this time:
Athena: 8 (two points for the oddities of diction)
Venus: 8 (well, there ISN'T much plot and character)
Mark: 9 (a pretty yummy story; it's hard to get a 10 out of me,
even when I'm trying to use the numbers about like Celeste does!)
"The Nature Girl" by Joseph Jasper (joe@nmpnet.enet). Guest review by
Wild Ron.
A straightforward tale of a couple, Vickie and Steve, who are well
suited sexually, as they enjoy each other's company in a local park.
This tale could use some editing to smooth out the linguistic 'bumps in
the road'. For example, when Vicky is described as having a great
figure ".. easily filling the right spots in any lingerie..", I have to
wonder just how big is she?
It's a quick read, five minutes or so, and my 'Laptop Indicator' says
that there is no time to develop any pressure. A piece of fluff that
can contribute to a good time as an appetizer, but no main course here.
"The Meeting" by Hardrock (hardrock@visi.net). Guest Review by Piper.
Before starting to read the story itself, I knew that this was
Hardrock's first story, one he wrote for his girlfriend. She liked it so
much, she convinced him to post it. According to him, it is based on
fact. That makes this a "true" story. A first-attempt-at-writing true
story. Uh oh.
Now that I've read the story, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.
He and she are ISP chatroom friends, then telephone lovers. With her
living in NE Canada, and him stationed somewhere in the SW USA, they
don't get many opportunities for face to face meetings. In fact, this
story is about their first get-together.
They both know what they want, but are nervous about what will happen.
We know what's going to happen, since he tells us up front. She's
beautiful, of course. He's tall and skinny, but has a slightly longer
and thicker than average cock. She's got the biggest clit he's ever seen
on a live woman.
They meet in the airport. They're both sans undies. He finger fucks her
while they're waiting for her luggage to show up. Right there in the
airport. In the open. Bodes well for what's coming, doesn't it? They
drive to the hotel where he's rented a room. The inevitable happens.
As usual in these true stories written for that someone special, it's
hotter for the two participants than for us uninvolved readers. Not to
say that this couldn't be a hot story. If the writer stuck to a single
tense, rather than changing from past to present and back again every
few paragraphs, it would certainly help. A little more imagination in
describing the sex acts would help too. The author and his girlfriend
have been through the reality. His words help them relive fond memories,
memories we don't share, so we depend on the words to turn us on and get
us off. When the words are insufficient, the story is flat. This story
is on the borderline. It could be good. There is potential. But that
potential isn't quite realized. Despite everything, there's enough hot
sex to make this worth a look.
Ratings for "The Meeting"
Technical merit 6
Plot & character 7
Appeal to reviewer 6
"Xena: Another Shower of Gold" by Blackbelt (rose.170@osu.edu) Guest
review by Piper
(Deity sex)
(I'm down to number three now. After the last one, I was a little
dubious about continuing. I'm glad I did.)
Buried in Greek mythology are all the varied forms that Zeus (the head
god) transformed himself into in order to take fair maidens unawares.
You know - a bull, a swan, and others. Actually, if I were a maiden, I
don't think I'd fall for the amorous attentions of one of those
creatures. Not my idea of a nice cuddle. But, anyway, in the old
stories, it happens all the time.
So Xena and Gabrielle are on the trail, and while traveling, Gabby tells
her friend all about these legends. The two women stop for the night by
a beautiful, grass-banked lake, and Gabrielle goes for a swim. When she
gets out, she lays down for a few minutes, air drying. Well, guess who
comes calling. This time, he arrives in the form of a yellowish flow of
water. Uh huh. A shower of gold. Read the story if you want -those-
details.
Now, if you know your mythology, you know that Zeus is married. Hera
(his wife, a powerful goddess) is a tad jealous of his infidelities.
She promises revenge. A permanent kind of revenge. I can't say any
more without ruining the ending, so I won't.
Is this a good story? Compared to the last two, it's brilliant. In
reality, it is pretty good. There's a real storyline. There's some
real imagination. There's real sentences. There's a pretty girl
enjoying her first time, even if her partner doesn't have any lips to
kiss.
Again, like so many other stories, this one is marred by occasional
typos and mistakes. "Futile to resist,", as the start of a sentence,
makes no sense whatsoever, not even in context. Despite this and other
malapropos words, the story flows fairly well. This is a tale worth
reading, if only for the unique method of coupling described.
Ratings for "Another Shower of Gold"
Technical merit 8
Plot & character 9
Appeal to reviewer 8.5
"Back to the Fold" by H.D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review
by Mat Twassel.
Right at the beginning of H.D. Meister's story, "Back to the Fold," we
learn that the main character, Kelly, "had come to the conclusion that
all that men wanted was sex. While she enjoyed sex, she had long ago
decided that a relationship based solely on the physical was not going
to work, no matter how hard either party wanted it."
{Interruptory humor from Celeste: A woman was unloading her grocery
cart in the parking lot, when a man got out of the car in the space next
to hers. Hoping to save the trip of pushing her cart to the cart
carrel, she said to him, "Here! Would you like my cart?" "No, thanks,"
the man replied. "I only want one thing." "Men!" she humphed; "They
always want just one thing!"}
But Kelly's college roommate is going to have a guest for the evening,
so Kelly accepts her friend Del's offer of a good home-cooked meal and a
place to spend the night. Sure enough, it turns out that Del is Lust,
but a very knowing and caring Lust. He spends about a third of this
longish story (12 single-spaced pages) seducing Kelly, and then the
final two thirds sucking and fucking the Dickens out of her. It takes
Kelly about eight of these single spaced pages to come, and then she
keeps coming for two or three more pages. Pretty intense stuff. The
writing is regrettably amateurish, the syntax clumsy, passages of over-
writing abound; yet if you stick with the story you might find some
pleasure in sharing Kelly's experience, some power in Meister's
narrative.
Here's my favorite part of "Back to the Fold":
It was when he began alternating holes that Kelly
found herself gazing up at her orgasm. It was much
taller than any other time, and it bled power, Lust
and passion. The thing before her was not the
little child she had nursed, either alone or with
another; this was nothing short of a monster. A
monster which wanted her. And its voice was that
of the fireplace, mixed with Del's and the collective
voices of the storm.
=====
"Batgirl - Blow-up Doll" by MD James (d2beast@aol.com.). Guest review by
Anne747.
I can never decide if I like fan fiction or not. Some people feel that
the authors are being lazy by not creating their own characters. I
don't necessarily subscribe to this opinion; but since I haven't watched
Batman since I was a kid, it just doesn't have a sexual punch for me.
Oh, I've seen some of the newer movies, but I still can't help but think
of those campy shows I used to watch with the little cartoon `bam' `pow'
overlays. However, I do understand a fan of a show wanting to take that
sexual attraction between characters further.
The story just kind of fell flat for me. Barbara Gordon, a.k.a.
Batgirl, attends a carnival and is given a magic amulet by Madame Vie.
I'm simplifying the plot, but basically when Batgirl next sees Batman
she is thrown into an orgasmic state, and her breasts begin to grow.
There is more plot than this, but this is the main plot. Of course, to
solve her dilemma, Batman must fuck Batgirl (didn't we see this coming).
Batgirl ends up with larger breasts after her problems, and we all know
that big breasts are the secret to happiness, right?
Okay, I'm being sarcastic. It just seems too happy at the end. I mean
two of the couples involved live happily ever after. Probably the best
part of the old campy series was the cliff-hangers at the end. Okay, we
all knew that Batman wasn't going to get sliced in two by the saw, but
there was a little tension is waiting for the `Same bat time, same bat
channel' to find out what happened. This story could use a little more
tension. The writer is good enough to lose the growing breasts bit, and
write a decent story with a better plot.
Ratings for "Batgirl - Blow-up Doll"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8 (for the effort, but falls flat)
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 5 (didn't hate it, didn't love it,
kind of neutral)
"The Fetish Series" by Hawk Richards (HawkRds@aol.com). Guest review by
Anne747.
I can just feel myself getting into trouble with this review. The
author and I have exchanged mail at one time, so am I impartial? I'd
like to think so, since I've told friends before that I liked/disliked
something they had written. I'm just not good at saying something is
good, if I don't think it is.
Now, hang on, I'm not saying I don't think this is good. The story is a
parody. You may ask how I know this? Well the writer tells us this
before the story starts. I'm not sure if the reader shouldn't be a
little insulted that the author thinks we couldn't figure it out on our
own. However, having said that, I suppose there are some people who
would read this and think it's meant to be sexy.
It's amusing, probably not all that far from some of the conversations
held by low budget porn producers. The sex is incidental to the story
line really. Oops, I forgot the story line. Two hungover porn guys
decide they need a hook. After some rather inane conversation they
decide on an `Ultimate Fetish' series. They wake up their female star
and one of the men fucks her (which as far as I can see has nothing to
do with any fetish).
I guess the thing is that I tend to read erotica for arousal. Oh, I
enjoy a good story, but if it doesn't pass the wet panty test, well, I
might as well go read the paper. I have a feeling that the sex was
meant to be portrayed as uninteresting on purpose, and I understand why
Hawk felt that is worked. He's likely going to hate the personal
opinion number, but I didn't really laugh, and I didn't even consider
touching myself. I wavered on the plot/character number, since I think
the characters are meant to be one-dimensional on purpose to support the
idea of a parody.
Ratings for "The Fetish Series"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 6