Celestial Reviews 214 - September 6, 1997
Note: An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a
savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate the
passage correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock" by MAW (ff mind
control) 9, 6, 6
" Violence in Video Games" by Kim (rough sex) 9, 10, 10
"The Drive In" by Mike Hunt (threesome) 10, 10, 10
"She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander
(really unusual cybersex) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"My Wife" by Tyler Peach (poorly written mindless sex)
0, 0, 0
"Her Bet" by Ray Shine (husband humiliation) 8, 8, 6
"The Art Critic" by Seurat (femdom) 9.5, 10, 7.5
"Hero to Zero" by MC Woodsmoke (superhero sex) 7, 8, 7
"The best laid plans . . . sometimes work out OK" by Frank
McCoy (mindless incest ) 9, 4, 2
"The Girl Next Door" by Mack (easy neighbor) 10, 7, 8
"The Expensive Date" by Gaius (a cautionary tale)
9.6, 9.5, 9.0
Reposted Reviews:
* "Kayla and Martin" by Mark Aster (pregnant thoughts)
10, 10, 10
* "Vacation Doesn't Count" by J. Boswell (wife watching)
9, 9, 8
"Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock" by MAW (MS4EVER321@aol.com).
This is Number 9 in the Hypno Celeb series. I just plunged into
this one without reading any others in the series, and that left
me at the slight disadvantage of not knowing how the magic disk
induces mind controlled sex. Anyway, Julia and Sandra are
hypnotized into having sex with each other, so that somebody can
videotape them and sell the tape to people that would like to see
that sort of thing.
The sex is clearly presented, but the only real appeal of the
story is that readers who are familiar with these two movie stars
can visualize two real people doing the things that this story
says they do. That didn't really inspire me.
Ratings for "Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Violence in Video Games" by Kim (kim@nym.alias.net). I don't
like violence in real-life sexual relationships, but I did enjoy
this story. It was a good presentation of the feelings of a woman
involved in a dysfunctional relationship - kinda like the people
you see on Gerry Springer's tabloid talk show.
The woman is married to or boyfriended with a guy who has a severe
self-image problem: he wants to feel superior, but she beats him
at everything. He keeps putting her down and looks for a way to
feel superior. {Note to young readers who are not supposed to be
here but probably are anyway: If you have boyfriend who acts like
this, drop the bum right now. If you don't, things will only get
worse. Read this story to see how.} Eventually the lame-ass
decides that they will have violent sex, just for the fun of it.
She agrees; and on the appointed day he starts beating the shit
out of her. To her surprise, she enjoys it. To his surprise, she
turns the tables and beats the shit out of him.
As I said, this is a story about a dysfunctional relationship.
But it's a realistic story. I've known several women who have
gone through pretty much the same thing, and this story gives a
vivid depiction of what they experienced. My theory is that if
you enjoy this story, you're probably normal; but if you enjoy
doing the things they do in this story, you should see a
counselor.
Ratings for "Violence in Video Games"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Drive In" by Mike Hunt (MrM1KE@aol.com). The author himself
says that this is a simple suck and fuck story. That means that
there will be no character development or philosophical insights
about the meaning of life - unless, of course, sucking and fucking
ARE the meaning of life.
The basic plot consists of two guys and a girl who go to a drive-
in on a double date which one of their dates missed because she
cut her finger. So the one girl says to her boyfriend in the
front seat, "I can't fuck with you with Mike Hunt in the back
seat." And so they all three get in the back seat and have a
threesome.
This story has some problems with anachronisms. For example, it
assumes that drive-ins that showed x-rated movies existed on this
planet at the same time that there were answering machines. But
hey, this is a suck and fuck story, not the History Channel.
But a little historical background may be necessary. Drive-ins
(also known as passion pits) were places where non-Catholic guys
and girls went to have sex in their cars while somebody played
movies on a large screen. Or at least that's what Sister Mary
Marshmallow said. Like, the film could break, and nobody would
notice for a half hour or so. And for some reason cars rocked
back and forth in odd ways.
To my eternal embarrassment, the first time I was asked to go on a
date to a drive-in, I asked what movie was playing there.
Ratings for "The Drive In"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander
(lysander@bitsmart.com). Every once in a while I get the silly
idea that I have seen all the possible basic plots on this
newsgroup. I think I'm going to stop having that silly idea.
The narrator of this story is essentially a lunatic with special
powers - like being able to find his lost keys without even
praying to St. Anthony. It turns out that one of his special
powers is being able to insert pointed parts of his anatomy into
the computer when he dials up those Internet sex lines that occupy
so much of the spam space on a.s.s. Well, as you can imagine, he
gets a Golden Membership and lives happily ever after.
It's even more interesting when you read it the way the author
wrote it.
Ratings for "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My Wife" by Tyler Peach (insideit@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Kim.
Celeste's opening comment, when she sent this for review, was "I
keep trying to find something that won't make you change panties
so often". Well, she certainly managed to fulfill that desire with
this one!
This story purports to be the daily diary of a dominated husband,
used and abused by his gorgeous but cruel wife. There follows a
catalogue of some of the worst excesses that could be shoehorned
into a story, including such delights as scat, water sports,
repeated anal rape, grinding misogyny and, perhaps worst of all,
overt racism. Actually, come to think of it, describing this as a
story elevates it way beyond it's true status.
At first I started to read it with a smile, as I thought it would
be so bad that it somehow transcended bad into enjoyable, like the
films of Ed Wood.
Unfortunately, it was so relentlessly gross, so unendingly badly
written, so singularly without merit that I came to the conclusion
that, no it was just plain bad. I'd say it's probably the worst
story I've ever had the misfortune to actually read, and I've read
some bad ones, believe me.
To top it all off, managing to add insult to injury, it's just a
barely disguised ad for a crappy commercial web site. And I
thought it couldn't get any worse.
Somehow I don't think I'll need to be changing my panties after
this one. If anyone should happen to get off on this stuff, then
all I can say is, "You're one sad fuck!". Apart from all that, it
was just great.
Ratings for "My Wife"
Athena (technical quality): 0 (you're kidding, right?)
Venus (plot & character): 0 (the word "lame" mean anything?)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 0 (the absolute pits!)
"Her Bet" by Ray Shine (shysub@canttell.com). Guest review by
BluePencil.
There are a few rules you need to know to succeed in life.
Always read the fine print. Never arm wrestle with a guy named "Tiny".
And never, ever, make a sure-thing sexual bet with your wife without
knowing what you'll pay if you LOSE.
Our hapless hero apparently never learned the last rule. When his wife
offers to bet him a blow job on the outcome of an election, he carefully
plugs the loopholes . . . by specifying "plenty of tongue and head
action and swallowing all the cum and even eating what spills." You'd
think knowing that his wife HATES giving blow jobs would clue him in,
but since it wasn't tattooed on his forehead in bright red 24-point text
he manages to overlook this little detail. Some people's kids . . .
Give him this; having lost, he is ready to pay the price. Until his
wife explains that she wants him to pay off with a REAL blow job. As she
quite logically points out, she isn't equipped to fully appreciate his
forfeit - but she has a coworker that she's SURE would like enjoy it. Of
course, hubby does have a choice . . . if he doesn't want redeem his bet
she will be more than happy to take her handsome, young, well-hung
friend into the bedroom and make it up to him. All night long. While
hubby waits outside.
How would YOU react if your wife waited until she had you naked and tied
up before explaining all this? I know how I'D react in this situation.
I'd be willing to hazard a guess about how most men (and women, in the
analogous case) would react. As you can probably sense, Our Hero
doesn't follow the crowd. What choice DOES he make? How does his wife
react? How will this affect their relationship? Is it better to be a
cocksucker or a cuckold? You'll have to read the story to find out.
Yes, this is a husband humiliation story. I'll state it plainly: it's a
reasonably well written story of a genre I don't personally enjoy. The
prose is workmanlike, and Shine has done a decent job of
characterization; he managed to make the characters believable, if not
compelling.
Am I damning with faint praise? Perhaps. If you like husband
humiliation stories you'll probably enjoy this one. If you don't like
the genre, you may want to skip past.
Ratings for "Her Bet"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 8
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 6
"The Art Critic" by Seurat {Chapter Four of "The Twighlight Zone"
series}. Guest review by Piper.
This is a femdom story. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. To start with,
Alan O'Neill (that's the art critic and the central character in this
story) makes a life-altering mistake. He accepts the invitation of a
beautiful artist named Ms. Tara Worthington to go to her place and have
a cup of tea. Rather innocuous, you say? Nay. Before the evening is
over, he's been drugged, raped, tied down, and had some sort of science-
fictiony crystals permanently embedded in his skin. According to the
explanation, they can do some pretty strange things, one of which is to
stimulate the body's nerves in ways that can enhance pleasure, deaden
feeling, or cause pain. You see, in addition to being an artist, she
also works as a "computer-technochemist" (whatever that is) at a super-
advanced high-tech company.
Like the men in most femdom stories, Alan has a serious physical
problem. Whenever his prick starts to inflate, it cuts off most of the
blood flow to his brain. His IQ drops by a minimum of fifty points. In
other words, when aroused, he thinks with his little head. (Since he,
and they, start out a few cards short of a full deck to begin with in my
opinion, there's not much left in the intelligence department when they
get a raging hard-on.) In addition to that, also in the best tradition
of femdom stories, Alan is given a series of choices by Tara. Or
rather, he is given a series of non-choices. Take an early one, for
example. Secured to a bed, wrapped up in a straight jacket, with his
family jewels firmly tied to the headboard and a gag in his mouth, he is
given the choice of getting up and leaving or letting her give him a
blow job. Happily for her, he doesn't get up.
Apparently, Tara wants Alan for six more weeks. Each week, on
Wednesday, he is to follow some instructions that somehow manage to
magically appear somewhere in or around his house. Failure to do so
will be rewarded with "punishment" - increasing levels of pain in his
privates. At the end of the sixth week, he'll be released. Like in
most femdom stories, he does as he is told. Mental anguish aside, he
enjoys some parts of what is done to him, and doesn't enjoy others.
Unexpected things happen. Early on, he finds out that Tara is a member
of a large, secretive organization devoted to promoting the interests of
strong-minded women. They are a powerful and wealthy sisterhood.
Personally, I don't really enjoy femdom stories that much. I identify
too closely to the male protagonist(s) in stories I read. If I was put
through what this guy was put through, despite the threats and
consequences, I probably would have broken the first commandment several
times. Especially after finding out that I was being lied to. I would
not make a good slave. There's this little part of me that insists on
being able to make my own choices. Real ones. Call it a flaw if you
like, but it's there. I also happen to be a firm believer in trust,
commitment, and faith between life partners. When the story started,
Alan was a loving and trusting husband. That's something else that was
destroyed.
Technically, the story is pretty tight. There are a few spelling
problems and a few spots where formatting and punctuation could be
better, but not many. I'm probably a little harder than Celeste in this
category, since I read quickly and every snag makes me stop and figure
out what's wrong with what my eyes just passed over. This tends to
interrupt the story flow, and my enjoyment. Advice to Seurat: let
someone else proofread your story. They'll find little things that you
simply cannot spot, no matter how carefully you check it yourself.
Believe me, I know that from experience. While it probably won't
increase your readership, it will give greater pleasure to the people
who are reading your stories.
"The Art Critic" is a very good femdom story - imaginative,
entertaining, and not too nasty. As a regular story, it's still a
little better than average. I was disappointed a little bit at the end.
There's not enough of an exploration of Alan's feelings about what
happened. It's almost like the author cut the story short. Somehow,
with the time and effort put into the rest of it, I doubt this is what
happened. More likely, the author wanted to leave some ambiguity and
let the reader make up their own minds about what the final paragraphs
mean.
As a last note, let me say that there is a distinct split in femdom
stories. In one group, the man ultimately ends up taking pleasure in
serving the needs of his female masters and submitting to their every
perverse torment. In another group, he doesn't take pleasure in it,
even though he is forced to do the exact same things; he ends up as a
tortured soul. In between, there's this tiny, minuscule, sliver of a
group that doesn't fit into either of the first two categories. I'm not
going to tell you which category this story fits into. That would spoil
the surprise.
Ratings for "The Art Critic"
Technical merit 9.5
Plot & character 10
Appeal to reviewer 7.5 (not my cup of tea)
"Hero to Zero" by MC Woodsmoke (woodsmok@gte.net ). Guest review by DG.
Like the television shows on which the characters are based ("Hercules"
and "Xena, Warrior Princess"), "Hero to Zero" by MC Woodsmoke is light,
frothy, and extremely silly.
Two of the Greek big shots, the God Zeus and the Goddess Mnemosyne, are
bickering, and poor Hercules is caught in the middle. All he wants to
do is be a good Hero to the people by saving them from the many terrible
dangers that abound in this land (you know: Towering Giants, Drooling
Monsters, Cheesy Dialogue, that sort of thing) and be a good Husband to
his hot new Wife.
Our Hero returns home from a trip with his new friends Xena and
Gabrielle, and his wife leaps into his arms and says "Is that a Spartan
Spear in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" This sort of
dialogue bodes well for the reader in search of a few laughs (and for
Herc himself), but unfortunately the author can't quite maintain this
high standard.
In order to divert Hercules from his usual heroic pursuits, Mnemosyne
has devised a needlessly complicated scheme involving lots and lots of
athletic, mindless sex. If the thought of Xena, Warrior Princess being
swept up in a haze of lust and fucking a well-hung, handsome satyr is
something that resonates in your libido, than you are going to enjoy
this story more than I did. You can tell that it resonates for the
author: as soon as the leather skirts and copper breastplates hit the
ground, his syntax, spelling, and sentence structure go to hell - you
can almost hear the panting as commas are sprayed everywhere.
Maybe I'm being a little harsh. The sex is wild and furious, and the
inconsistent writing doesn't really grate like it might in a more
serious story. But I was hoping for more of the humor that
characterized the beginning of the story. Like when the satyr who acts
as Herc's personal trainer slaps his forehead and says "Oy Vey" when he
sees Herc succumbing to his wife's charms.
The problem, for me, is that characters have to be somewhat realistic
and sympathetic in order for a story to work on a purely erotic level.
In this case, my dick never even twitched. And the story isn't quite
funny enough for me to recommend it purely on a comedic basis. But if
you're a big fan of the TV shows, or if you like cartoon superhero sex,
you might want to check it out.
Ratings for "Hero to Zero"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
DG (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The best laid plans . . . sometimes work out OK" by Frank McCoy. Guest
review by BillyG
The technical aspect of this story, while fairly good, is a bit marred
by occasional too-long paragraphs, made-up, nonsense words and the
annoying overuse of parenthetical statements.
That summarizes the best features of this tale. The remainder of this
review will be largely scathing.
Because I've written a few stories that touch very lightly on incestuous
issues, I suppose Celeste thought I might be view this story with a non-
jaundiced eye. Well, I tried, and then tried again. W. C. Fields said,
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use
being a damn fool about it."
If you have a keen, almost fanatical interest in impregnation-incest,
you may find this story interesting, even conceivably arousing, although
it stretching the limits of credulity in my eye. Linda, a mono-maniacal
28- year-old woman has five children whose ages range from 10 to 16. A
casual glance at the chronological arithmetic indicates that this mother
started her own family when she was 12! More, it's set forth that she
was married at the time. George, her barely two-dimensional husband
shares her mania for the impregnation of their two daughters, ages 10
and 12.
The almost non-existent plot soon begins to evaporate, giving way to a
long expository on impregnation without a hint of character development,
sensuousness, or sexuality. In brief, it's a one-trick pony. If the
idea of incestuous impregnation is exciting, you conceivably might find
this worth of reading. On the other hand, I suspect even those readers
who find the idea interesting, even titillating, will be bored by this
tale.
It's difficult to imagine that many people would be appalled, for the
story is too superficial and too artificial to stir any emotions deeper
than boredom.
Grades: 9, 4, 2
"The Girl Next Door" by Mack (bo263@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Guest
review by Mike Hunt.
"The Girl Next Door" is a simple fuck and suck story. Who wants to read
one of those, anyway? But when the teacher gives an assignment, you have
to do it, right?
This ought to be a good story. The writer claims it's true. The set-up
could happen. So why did it disappoint? Because real stories ought to be
REAL. I don't know how many times you've lived next door to a "gorgeous"
babe who suntans in the backyard in the nude, who tweaks her "half-inch"
nipples, and who waltzes around in a partly open robe with "her
fingers... playing hide-and-seek in her blonde pubic hair"; but I'll
wager it's not been often.
Later, as a "thank you" for helping with her car, she suddenly whips off
her top and says "Suck my titties!" Fairly ripe language for someone he
just met a few minutes earlier. Of course she's a screaming banshee, as
evidenced by her overly enthusiastic orgasm a few paragraphs later: "OH
FUCK, OH YES, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, AGHHHHHHH! FUCK FUCK YES O GOD YES FUCK
MEEEEEEEEEEEE! FASTER! OH FUCK, DO IT! I'M
CUUMMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNNNG!"
Mack, I think, has potential as a writer, and it's not really a bad
story. But when you set it up as "essentially true", it should be
believable. This one wasn't. I'd like to see another from him, but
perhaps with a little more plausible development of the action.
Of course of all people I should talk!
Ratings for "The Girl Next Door"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Expensive Date" by Gaius ( pec@richmond.infi.net). Guest
review by Sven the Elder.
Well - a strange tale, indeed a cautionary tale. A pickup with a
difference: that it goes wrong is the reason for it being
expensive. How it goes wrong and the sting in the tale you must
read for yourself. If I relate, or outline things it will spoil
all. The sex, and the build up to it is very hot, the storyline
is believable, but perhaps stretches a point. Hence I felt it a
story that approached the style of fable that Rudyard Kipling
reached in his 'Just So' stories. Things that you think might be
suspicious, are, and then all goes totally 'pear-shaped' for our
poor 'hero'. Truly a cautionary tale, as is stated, a strange, I
wanted to say not totally enjoyable story, but that would be
unfair and incorrect. It is very readable. Perhaps not to the
taste of all and certainly how not to be treated during a 'first
date'. Technically, allowing for the vagaries of 'American'
english and 'English english, this was properly checked and seems
to me to reach a high standard. (Celeste will probably correct me
on that! <g>) I have deducted a small amount for made up words
(footachinations!) and the use of one of the Celestial List of
Credulous Assumptions. (In fact it was number two on the list!)
Otherwise all seemed OK.
Ratings for "The Expensive Date"
Technical quality: 9.6
Plot & character: 9.5
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 9.0
* "Kayla and Martin" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). Great
news! Pat is pregnant with twins! In this story Pat and Our Hero
meet Kayla and Martin in the lobby of a restaurant and join them
for dinner. Martin is obviously attracted to the pregnant Pat,
while Our Hero plays footsie with Kayla. After dinner they all go
up to Kayla and Martin's room for postprandial sex. The author
does his usual excellent job of choreographing several people
having sex simultaneously.
Ratings for "Kayla and Martin"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Vacation Doesn't Count" by J. Boswell. The title of this story
is derived from one of the few American aphorisms that has not
been attributed to either Mark Twain, Will Rogers, or Ben
Franklin: "What happens on vacation doesn't count when you get
back to the 'real world.'" I assume it was actually Benjamin
Disraeli who first spoke these words.
Sondra is a happily married mother of three who goes on vacation
with her husband and discovers that she enjoys showing off her
body. Her husband eats this action up. She takes part in a wet
t-shirt contest with some college kids, and her husband can hardly
wait to get his dick into her. For an encore she invites the four
college kids staying at the cottage next door in for some sex in
the jacuzzi. Same reaction from hubby. And they go further and
further - in hotels, with limo drivers, etc. Every time, the sex
is hot; and the husband gets his piece right afterwards. I doubt
that this sort of thing really works out all this well in real
life, but it certainly is an interesting fantasy!
Grammar review! What's wrong with this sentence?
Always the perfect "lady," bordering on "prim and proper,"
I was looking forward to seeing my wife in the tiny bikinis
and revealing one-piece bathing suits she had purchased
for our trip.
Answer: It suggests that the narrator is part of a lesbian
marriage. The sentence begins with a misplaced modifier that
gives this impression. A problem with starting a story with bad
grammar is that the policy is likely to beget cynicism in the mind
of the English teacher reviewing it. When the narrator sees four
college guys ogling his luscious wife who is sun bathing au
naturel, he describes it thus:
My cock had been rock hard for the hour, and now I
started to lightly caress it. I think it was only peer
pressure keeping the boys from doing the same.
There's nothing really all that bad about this sentence, but the
reader who is predisposed to think the author uses bad grammar is
likely to say, "So what? A little peer pressure on their cocks
might feel pretty good under the circumstances."
Having written those past few paragraphs, I can now justify this
time as work rather than recreation. I think I'll go get some
recreation now.
Ratings for "Vacation Doesn't Count"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8