Celestial Reviews 200 - July 19, 1997
Note: Those annoying spammers must have a purpose in life, and
their behavior must be motivated, at least in the loose sense of
the word. It seems obvious to me that the reason advertising
spammers do their thing here is because people respond to their
ads. Therefore, it seems unlikely that they will stop; and it's
pointless to reason with them by saying that their spam is rude
and inappropriate. They seem to suspect that there are thousands
of horny, hungry people out there who really do want to know where
they can find a Sperm-berping Queen or Teen Cheerleaders Who Fuck
Like Bunnies Doggy Style.
The suggestion I have proposed (actually suggested by someone
else, who will remain anonymous) is for real a.s.s. and a.s.s.d.
posters to put the abbreviation of the newsgroup at the beginning
of the title line {ASS}. This is likely to catch the eye of a
person who is looking for non-spam.
I think we have to admit that the spammers are not going to go
away. We can simply ask for their respect. In fact, I think we
can even ask for their cooperation. That is, it would be nice if
spammers would refrain from using my proposed convention {ASS} to
mislabel their spam. It would be even nicer if they would label
their spam clearly. For example, one of the spammers has recently
started to put a dash at the beginning of each of his spam title
lines. This not only draws attention to his clever
advertisements, it also enables me to skip his stuff {because I am
not interested}, while someone else can find it more easily
{because they need access to high quality Girls Guaranteed to
Please}. In fact, I hereby promise that if I ever need a spam
product or service, I'll patronize only those commercial spammers
who advertise their THOUSANDS OF BITCHES SLOBBERING ON CUM SQ in
this forthright manner. "Forthright" - that could be the title of
the story when Bob advertises Jeanette's services in order to pay
the expenses of the new little Brennan, whose future existence was
announced in "For Bearing."
Second note: I was the recipient of an application of the Blowjob
Principle recently. One of my main goals is to make the Blowjob
Principle as popular as, say, Murphy's Law. That is, someday I
hope that someone will go into the office of the high school
principal and say, "You goddam idiot! Don't you even understand
that the Blowjob Principle applies here? If a person expects to
get a second blow job, the recipient should make the giver glad to
have performed the first." And the principal will say, "You're
right. You did a good job teaching your English class, and I
neglected to show my appreciation." Then he'll give the other
person a blowjob; but since the Blowjob Principle is actually a
metaphor, the principal will actually give the teacher a raise or
public praise or something like that - unless he doesn't know what
a metaphor is.
Simply summarized in its application to this group, the Blowjob
Principle states that if you enjoy a story and hope to see more
like it, you should express your appreciation to the author. A
simple note that tells the author you liked the story and why will
suffice - a literal blowjob is usually unnecessary and often
impossible.
Second second note: Mike Hunt forwarded this message to me: "Hey,
got a quick comment about the 'Blowjob Principle,' as expounded by
Celeste. You know, that's a great idea and all, but I think it
works in reverse, too--it's kinda disheartening when you write
thanking e-mails to authors, and never hear a pip back from them.
I've written to two authors so far about two weeks ago, and
haven't heard a zip back from them. Whatever."
Well, I don't want to get into problems of infinity here {"Thank
you for your story!" "Thank you for thanking me for your - er my
story!" "Thank you for thanking me for thanking you for your
story...."}. Nevertheless, I think I should proclaim the Cumshot
Corollary to the Blowjob Principle. Essentially, the Cumshot
Corollary means that if someone goes out of his/her way to make
you glad that you gave him/her a blowjob, you should express your
own appreciation by cumming courteously and copiously. Within the
constrictions of the Law of Conservation of Cum, this means that
you should endeavor to make the relationship reciprocally
rapturous. In my own case, I cannot possibly reply individually
to everyone who corresponds with me, and so I resort to the
Groupsex Policy and simply try to continue writing good reviews
and maybe incorporate into my reviews some of the comments my
correspondents have made to me.
The opposite of the Cumshot Corollary is the Fuckoff Fallacy,
which may cause the whole process to break down. I'll assume that
the Fuckoff Fallacy is self-explanatory and will explain it no
further. {Incidentally, in education courses we discuss "behavior
modification." The professor waxes eloquent on topics like
positive and negative reinforcement, extinction, etc. I trust you
teachers out there can see that behavior mod is really Blowjob
Theory. Try to remember to call it by the right name in
professional discussions.}
I wish to take this opportunity to thank Mike's correspondent for
his comment, and I hope he enjoys what I am imagining doing to him
right now.
Third note: Several people have asked how they can post stories
anonymously. Here is some information on anonymous services. In
general, these services permit people to post messages without
using their ordinary email address and without any reasonable
possibility of their identity being traced.
Information about one such service can be obtained by sending a
note to admin@anon.nymserver.com or email to
help@anon.nymserver.com with a blank message line.
In addition to the above service, the a.s.s.m. FAQ lists these two
web sites that offer free anonymous remailing services:
www.POBoxes.com and II. www.Mailmasher. Another service available
through email can be found at www.EDTec.com.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica
Ahsmacker" by Tom Bombadil (silly, suspenseful sex).
10, 10, 10
"Victorian Gentleman" by John Dark (newlyweds) 10, 9, 9
"Clarissa Meets Alex Mack" by MrBaytes (sci fi teen sex)
10, 9, 9
"Tryout" by Friar Dave (threeways & moreways) 10, 10, 10
"Desert Lust" by Dennis, Stephi, and Kathy (silly slutty
sex)
4, 4, 4
"Gully Washer" by Uther Pendragon (geriatric sex)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Movie" by Ann (porn movie sex) 9, 8, 7.5
"As the Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards (sexual problems)
"Rules of Engagement" by Unknown Author (prostitution
& porn sex) 9, 10, 8
"Journey to Carlin" by Remmelt de Haan (medieval fantasy)
10, 10, 10
"Infidelity" by Cold Comfort (X-Men story) 8, 10, 9
"Wolf Dream" by Unknown Author (mood story with
bestiality?) 10, 10, 10
"Role Reversal" by The Reverend (science fiction)
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been
reposted):
* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike (sitcom
parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
* "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 7, 5
* "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (Sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
* "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
* "Coach" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 9, 9
* "Blossom: First Date" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 8
* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
* "Home Improvement" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 8. 8
* "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (television parody)
10, 10, 10
* "The Brady Bunch" by Uncle Mike (sitcom orgy) 10, 9, 9
* "Married with Children" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 8, 8
* "Fame" by Uncle Mike (music & sex) 10, 10, 10
"The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker" by
Tom Bombadil (mrdouble@ix.netcom.com). This is a sexually
explicit version of a cliffhanger - one of those media productions
that used to exist as television serials and which one can still
find on the cartoon channel on cable TV. This episode begins with
Angelica Ahsmacker and her faithful sidekick, Tiny Silvertongue,
hanging over a cliff. Not really, of course. Angelica is
actually tied to a log and about to be bisected laterally by a
buzz saw. As the author puts it: "It was a race between the awful
arms of that molestation machine and the terrible teeth of that
spinning saw to see which would be the first to delve deep into
the defenseless damsel's dampening divinity."
I enjoy this sort of thing immensely. This author is creative in
both his plot development and in his use of language. {I enjoy
cunning linguists.} If you like humor and alliteration with your
sex, you'll enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Angelica Ahsmacker"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Victorian Gentleman" by John Dark (john_dark@anon.nymserver.com).
This is a story that was too late for my Second Third Annual
Celestial Short Story Contest. Like most of those stories, it
comes with a surprise twist late in the story. The very straight
Victorian gentleman has brought his wife home, but since she is
very tired, he decides to let her go to sleep in her separate
bedroom and then be deflowered in the morning. He wakes up early,
and with lustful eagerness.... You'll have to read the story for
yourself to find out what happens.
Ratings for "Victorian Gentleman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Clarissa Meets Alex Mack" by MrBaytes (mrbaytes@aol.com). This
is a relatively well written and sexy story about adolescent girls
getting it on together. It is supposed to be based on the Alex
Mack Nickelodeon TV show. The problem is that the story really
does almost nothing with science fiction, which is the main tenet
behind the TV series. We have the advantage of being able to
picture Alex and Clarissa as real people, but they act pretty much
like any other adolescent girls with an attraction to one another.
Aside form that flaw, this is a pretty good story.
Ratings for "Clarissa Meets Alex Mack"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Tryout" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). The reader
immediately gets immersed in the action right from the start -
Jerry comes out of the shower, finds his wife already turned on
from reading a sexy magazine, starts fucking her, has her read the
magazine out loud to him, and then finishes her off. In her pre-
Jerry life, Connie was interested in other women; and Jerry has a
liberal attitude in this regard: Be sure she's clean, don't cut
THEIR time together, and talk about it if the attachment seems to
be getting more than essentially physical. In other words, Jerry
"is able to remain sanguine in the face of Connie's sapphic
escapades." I'd say he goes beyond sanguine to just plain buoyant
when he joins the ladies himself. Read the story for details.
This is really hot stuff. It almost makes me suspect that the
author delights in the thought that maybe his readers will get
turned on while they read this story.
The only flaw in this story was that either Connie or Kim had nice
"aureoles." I guess Friar Dave wrote this story before my seminar
on areolas. However, because I learned some interesting things
about sextoys, I won't even dock him for his misspelling of the a-
word.
Ratings for "Tryout"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Desert Lust" by Dennis, Stephi, and Kathy (Kristen's Collection).
I have to admit that I downloaded this story just because it was
labeled desert.txt, and I wanted to see if the author had
misspelled "dessert" - which has 2 s's, because you always want
two helpings of dessert. Nope, it's actually about a lady's
encounter with a mechanic who licks her popsickle and a with a
biker gang in the desert. The mechanic and his brother are both
well hung and call her bitch, since they are black men. The
bikers are Latino men who smell like beer and are covered with
tattoos; but we don't find out exactly what they do to the ladies,
who have become sexually excited by riding on the "hog's," because
the story just ends. It will be continued if there's enough
demand.
Ratings for "Desert Lust"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Gully Washer" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx10.nyx.net). This
is actually a revision of a first draft, but the modifications are
substantial enough to justify new ratings and a placement with the
new stories.
"Lust is only the present." So says the author in this story.
Lots of stories posted with this newsgroup are about lust. This
story also has a past; and it's about more than simple lust. As
the man and woman make love together while their children and
grandchildren sleep in the house during the rainstorm, memories of
times past come into the man's mind and give additional meaning to
their sexual activities. I like lust; it makes the world go
round. But love based on a common history sure is nice too.
This is an imaginative story. You don't think grandparents
actually get naked and do it with each other, do you? As I grow a
little older and can vaguely foresee the day when someone will ask
my own grandchildren that question, I hope my descendants will
say, "Yep! And I'll bet she enjoys dirty stories too!"
We have one interesting typo that was missed by the spellcheck:
"He lay her in bliss on their honeymoon...." There should be an
"e" at the end of "her." Other than that, this is a good story
that has become better. While I enjoy the raw sex of "Tryout," I
also find room in my libido for the gentle, sentimental lovemaking
of this story.
Ratings for "Gully Washer"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review was written by Kim.
"Movie" by Ann (Ann0not@aol.com). Well folks it's lil'ol me, Kim,
who's been asked by her highness to come up with a review of a
genuine ASS story. If you're surprised then you should see how I
feel. Anyway, the next issue is should I go undercover? Even tho'
I'd thought up a pretty good alias (Shirley Not), I decided that
M1ke was right and it's only fair that you should know who to
flame, so here goes...
The general plot of 'Movie' is of a young woman who tries her hand
at starring in a porn movie. It begins in a school with the woman
getting her break via a friend whose brother owns the studio where
the porn film is to be shot. It's not clear whether the woman is a
student or a teacher. I was kinda hoping it was the teacher, then
I might have been able to squeeze in a joke about 'Celeste goes to
Hollywood' or something, but I digress.
Anyway, she duly arrives and proceeds to have protracted oral sex
with the lead male of the film. Written entirely from the female's
POV, there are lengthy descriptions of what it's like to apply the
blow job principle three times in a row to the same man. All this
action seems to stun the film crew into open-mouthed awe. Not only
that, it gets the lady film director all hot and bothered to such
an extent that she demands some personal action after they've
finished shooting for the day.
Unfortunately, at this point, we come up against the dreaded 'to
be continued...' so it's hard to know where it's all going to end.
Well, what did I think about it? Hmmm, well I guess I generally
liked it. It's got a couple of problems tho'. Firstly it dwells
exclusively with oral sex, which, granted there are much worse
things to dwell on. Secondly it's written in a very
dispassionate style. It's almost like a documentary rather than an
action drama. I imagine the first problem will be addressed as
subsequent chapters become available. As for the second problem,
well that's purely personal anyway; many of you may appreciate the
relentlessly authentic style. Despite the lack of passion, I look
forward to the continuing adventures of our heroine Anne and her
film-making escapades. I also await the video :)
Ratings for "Movie"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 7.5
The following guest review was written by Mike Hunt.
"As The Paige Turns" by Hawk Richards (heminway@epix.net). I hate
to slam another writer's work. Especially when the author cares
about the quality of his craft, as Hawk Richards seems to.
Previous efforts earned low marks, and he cared enough to correct
his technical errors and fix logic jumps to move Celeste's ratings
from a 7-6-8 to straight 10's for the same story! Whatever he did
in that rewrite, he should do for this one.
"As The Paige Turns" takes a good premise and eschews the
perfunctory sex that litters so many a.s.s. stories. Alas, the
writer gets twisted in his own words, as in the sentence "With no
makeup, she still made embodied an elegant European beauty of high
cheekbones and mesmerizing eyes." Or how about "Well . . .," he
hesitated while gathering his thought if only for a moment, then
unglued his gaze as he said, "I'm seem to be uninterested."
Sorry. I'm in the camp that says overwrought narration, typos, and
bad grammar destroy the enjoyment of a story. _Even_ a cute one.
_Even_ a quite original tale about a guy who can only get it up
when reading <alt.sex.stories> with a modem burbling in the
background. _Even_ a good yarn where the lady shrink wants to play
with herself while he talks about his sex problems. _Even_ one
where the guy likes adventures of Batman or Mickey and Minnie
Mouse fucking.
There's a whole lot of story in "As the Paige Turns" by Hawk
Richards. Unfortunately it's buried under all the words.
The following review was written by Michael K. Smith.
"Rules of Engagement" by Unknown Author (gregorsson@aol.com). This
is an interesting story. A little strange, a little cold-blooded
for my taste, but interesting. Simon, stuck for the moment in a
bivouac in the Saudi desert, is lonely for his wife, ardent lover,
and business partner, Sue. Straightforward enough, right? But Sue
is a semi-retired high-money hooker. For that matter, so is Simon.
The two met in New London, both working for Sam, a flesh merchant
with a heart-of-gold -- sort of. Simon supplied muscle to keep the
johns in line and protect the girls but he soon was roped into the
trade himself. (His being willing to suck cock as well as screw
the girls and orchestrate fantasies for the customers probably had
something to do with this....)
He and Sue have numerous adventures (in flashback) with sailors,
businessmen, a black U.S. Attorney, and even a priest, but they
eventually have entrepreneurial ambitions and go into the porn
business. Then the Gulf War comes along and the story is built
around their lascivious correspondence.
Some odd digressions make me wonder about the author's own
background and experiences (besides obviously having been in the
army). An example is an extended discussion of the engineering
limitations of condoms and their use in applied psychology. Using
special-order condoms a couple inches shorter than usual makes the
customers think they've grown longer than usual. As Sue comments,
"illusion is the key to pleasing men." (An astute observation
indeed.)
The style is bald narrative, which may be enough when the action
is as complex as it is here. And the plot is certainly well
thought out and clearly developed. However, I can't say any of the
sexual descriptions, as vivid as they often are, really aroused me
much, which is too bad. But I'm a romantic.
The author gets off some pretty good lines, though, such as:
"Somehow Simon made the girls all feel good about being whores."
Also, "Fucking for money is hard work, and a girl can't always
relax enough to have an orgasm." (The one ex-hooker I've known in
my life would certainly have agreed with that!)
My only real complaint is that the reader must stop at the
beginning of each chapter to reorient himself. The narrative
starts with Simon in first person, switches to omniscient third
person but still focused on Simon, then back to first person again
-- and then to _Sue_ in first person, followed by third person
again but with Sue's POV! And then it's back to Simon in various
modes. That's way too much switching around of viewpoints for me!
Also, gratuitous spelling and punctuation errors are rare early in
the story but become a good deal thicker as you read; I suspect
the author simply got tired of cleaning up his typos.
And by the way, it _is_ a good idea to put "END" at the end of a
multi-chapter story, just so the reader doesn't wonder if he's
missing a section -- especially when the narrative simply stops,
as it does here, instead of properly ending.
Ratings for "Rules of Engagement"
Technical quality: 9
Plot and character: 10
Appeal to reviewer: 8
The following review was written by Mark Aster.
"Journey to Carlin" by Remmelt de Haan (zarn@rc.service.rug.nl).
This is a nice, hot, tender story of sex between friends in the
outdoors, set in a sort of generic pagan-medieval-dungeons-and-
dragons fantasy world. The author's forward implies that this is
just one episode in a longer story, or set of stories, not
necessarily involving sex. There are a few references to
characters and events that took place before the present story;
while they are only passing references, and may annoy readers who
like all their loose ends tied up, they add richness and a sense
of context to the present story.
Abigail and Ukko are on the way to Carlin, and they stop by a lake
to rest the horses and eat and make camp for the night. Abigail
strips and goes for a swim, and invites Ukko to join her. This is
not just a story about two people fucking. The two are comrades
and colleagues and friends, but have never made love before; the
author gives us Ukko's point of view as he gradually realizes that
she is interested in extending their relationship in that
direction, and by the time they're screwing wildly on the blanket,
150 lines into the story, we've gotten to know them rather well.
The author uses various stock devices of fantasy fiction (horses,
crossbows, armor, names of deities), and adds some interesting sex
language: orgasm is "joining the stars" or "leaving" (as opposed
to "coming"!), sexual positions have names like "the Crane" and
"the Faceless Unicorn", and simultaneous orgasm is a "Lover's
Journey". Something like that, anyway. If you hate and despite
generic fantasy fiction, this may bother you; if you love it,
you'll love this. If you're not sure, give it a try; nice hot sex
isn't a bad way to be introduced to a genre!
I don't do numbers, but I'd guess that Celeste would give this
straight 10's, unless she doesn't like quasi-medieval fantasy, in
which case it might lose a point or so on the Celeste rating...
Ratings for "Journey to Carlin" (Added by Celeste)
Technical quality: 10
Plot and character: 10
Appeal to reviewer: 10
The following review was written by BluePencil.
"Infidelity" by Cold Comfort. A reviewer is never supposed to
admit lack of knowledge; if not against the union rules it's
considered to be a sign of weakness, or moral lassitude, or lack
of a sufficiently overblown ego. I don't like to admit to any of
them, especially the last, but an admission must be made: I
haven't followed the X-Men in years.
My first impulse on receiving "Infidelity" to review was to go
borrow my nephew's comics collection and start reading. Most fan
fiction assumes you already know all the characters and situations
involved. It spares the writer the problem of setting up a
coherent background and character development, but has the
sometimes thornier dual problem of explaining things well enough
for the reader who _doesn't_ know the background while not loosing
the interest or violating the expectations of those who do.
If I haven't yet made it clear, "Infidelity" is an X-Men fan
story. And despite a few minor technical flaws (mainly typos and
present/past tense mixups), a very well written fan story. More,
it is a very well written sex story.
The plot line is simple enough: Jean Gray accidentally finds out
that her husband, Scott Summers (Cyclops) is having an affair with
her friend and teammate Elisabeth Braddock (Psylocke). She is
hurt, bewildered, and out for revenge.
A fairly normal reaction, except that most of us don't have
mysterious mutant psionic powers to help with the last. It looks
like Psylocke is in big trouble. And Cyclops may have to wash his
own bologna for a while - assuming he still has one. But wait!
Psylocke has a good reason for her actions and can explain
everything - if Jean will just come by her room at midnight.
To give more detail would be telling. Jean comes, is given a very
detailed explanation by Psylocke and her pain-in-the-ass husband,
and after chewing both their asses out thoroughly decides to
forgive them. Read the story. This synopsis is both accurate and
potentially misleading. Even for those who don't normally care
for fan stories or the X-Men may be pleasantly surprised.
Ratings for "Infidelity"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot and character): 10
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9
The following guest review was written by BronwenSM:
"Wolf Dream" by Unknown Author (powerguy@worldnet.att.net). This
story brought home to me just how lazy I am. What with the title
and the furry resume it would've had in the listings, I wouldn't
have bothered reading it. And I'd have missed a good thing.
A woman enjoying a solitary holiday ride over the mountains stops
for the night. She camps out under the stars, falls asleep and
dreams of a truly delicious sexual encounter. But with whom? Is he
a man - is he a wolf? And was it a dream....
I was sorry my old man was asleep when I finished this. It's a
sensual, atmospheric story and, happily, the action is physically
possible. Don't know about you, but I find it off-putting if I'm
following a story move-by-move and the characters do something
they couldn't in the position they've reached. I also liked the
woman's attitude. She was comfortable camping alone and seemed at
ease throughout the story. Nothing stereotyped here.
Minor quibbles: in my experience it takes longer than two lines to
build a decent fire. But then that's not what we were there for...
Do women have 'tresses' any more? - especially women who wear
sports bras (good touch). Tresses went out with Tennyson - and if
they didn't they should have. And one growl during sexual arousal
is enough. We got the message. Cut the growling.
Ratings for "Wolf Dream"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BronwenSM (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review was written by Purple Shade:
"Role Reversal" by The Reverend. Once again the author returns us
to the U.S.S. Voyager and the lust filled desires of Kathryn
Janeway. As in "Let The Punishment Fit The Crime," the good
Captain's sexual partner is again the half-Klingon engineer of the
Voyager, B'Elanna Torres. As with many examples of this road well
traveled, a certain touch of dominance appears on the horizon. On
first examination, it looks like the story will follow the
familiar path, when it suddenly veers off on an unexpected
turnabout. Hence the title, "Role Reversal". All in all, an
enjoyable tale once more.
In my review of The Reverend's prior two Voyager stories I erred
in assuming that this was a new author. In finally going through
the last two months' downloads, I found a few other female/female
stories by The Reverend on subjects other than Star Trek: Voyager.
If you missed them as well, it would be worth a search for them.
{Note from Celeste: An easy way to do this is to go into DejaNews;
find one of The Reverend's stories; and then do an "Author Search"
for the others.}
* "Room 222: Hit the Showers" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Two female teachers at Walt
Whitman High School go for a run. They need a shower afterwards,
but a gym class is using the girls' showers. The coaches' shower
is also in use. Since no boys' gym class is scheduled, they
decide to sneak into the boys' locker room for a quick shower; but
they startle a straggler who is still taking his shower. Some
horseplay follows, and then they get into some hot threeway sex.
I remember seeing a few episodes of "Room 222," but I don't have a
clear recollection of it. I can't really evaluate this as a
parody, but I found it to be a pretty good story in its own right.
Ratings for "Room 222"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
* "Beverly Hillbillies: Elly May, Jethro Mayn't" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Miss Hathaway takes Elly May out
to some shops and helps her purchase lots of new clothes. Elly
May doesn't see the point of all this. Then Miss Hathaway buys
Elly May a swimsuit, notices that the girl's tan lines are wrong,
and instructs her to lie outside and get a suntan. She does, and
she gets fucked by the family goat. That's right: the family
goat. Kinda surprises you, doesn't it? I mean, if you were going
to write a parody about this really sexy girl from the hills who
comes to a rich community along with her stupid hunk of a brother
and her other illiterate relatives, would you have the only sex be
with the family goat? Kinda gets your goat, doesn't it?
Ratings for "Beverly Hillbillies"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
* "Happy Days" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
Richie Cunningham has to baby-sit for his little sister Joanie,
who is not so little any more. She catches him naked with a hard-
on from thinking about his girlfriend; and she tells him, "Jenny
Piccolo said guys like it if you touch their things. Can I touch
yours?" Richie acquiesces, and they're off to the races. It
turns out that Jenny Piccolo also showed Joanie how to perform
fellatio on a banana. Actually, Richie discovers that Jenny
Piccolo taught Joanie so many interesting things that he agrees to
let Jenny join them the next time they fool around together. A
negative side effect of the whole episode is that coaches will no
longer be able to inspire Richie by saying, "A tie is like
kissing your sister."
Ratings for "Happy Days"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Love Boat: Cum Aboard" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). I'm not a big "Love Boat" fan.
I've watched a few episodes when I was visiting other people, and
I can recognize most of the characters; but I don't know much
about their personalities. And so I might have missed some of the
subtleties in this parody.
Vickie (the Captain's daughter) has crawled under the bar to do
some cleaning, and she overhears some valley girls making fun of
her lack of sexual experience. That does it! She decides to lose
her virginity as soon as possible. She talks to Isaac, the kindly
black bartender who usually falls in love with a different black
chick each voyage, and he very kindly pops her cherry and lets her
suck his cock. Wisely, Vickie goes to Doc (the blundering guy in
the white suit who falls in love with a different white chick
every voyage) to get herself on the pill; and he suggests that
maybe she should talk to her father first, before she becomes
sexually active. By this time I was into the mood of the story.
I muttered, "Shut up, Doc. This is a sex parody of an insipid
show. Give her the Pill and then fuck her. If she talks about it
with her father, he'll just screw her anyway!" And so he did; and
so he did; and so he did; and so did several other people."
Ratings for "Love Boat: Cum Aboard"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). At first I was disappointed with
this story. I was expecting a parody of the Bob Newhart Show in
which Bob plays a psychologist in Chicago. Instead I found a
parody of the more recent Bob Newhart Show, in which Bob plays a
writer who is also the owner of an Inn in New England. I wasn't
as familiar with the latter series, and so I expected that I
wouldn't enjoy the parody as much. I was very pleasantly
surprised!
The plot is perfect; it actually fits in with the personalities
and mannerisms of the characters. Stephanie (the ditzy, lazy,
rich girl who is a maid but never does any work) develops a
rivalry with Joanna, and to prove her case she seduces Dick (the
Bob Newhart character). In retaliation, Joanna seduces Michael
(Stephanie's preppie boyfriend). In further retaliation, Joanna
tricks Stephanie into having sex with Larry and his two brothers
(Daryl and Daryl). Finally, to make amends Joanna makes love to
Stephanie herself.
As I said, the parody is very well done. For example, it is easy
to imagine the Bob Newhart character reacting just the way the
author shows him as he is seduced by the young vixen. I strongly
recommend this story.
Ratings for "Newhart"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Doogie Howser, M.D.: The Final Fuck" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Doogie Howser is a young
adolescent - I assume maybe 15 or 16 years old. A boy genius, he
has already completed medical school and is an excellent doctor.
Each week's episode consists of poignant and humorous situations
that might occur to such a person working in a hospital. In
addition to numerous human-interest anecdotes, each episode has a
common theme running through it - usually having something to do
with the contrast between Doogie's chronological youth and the
maturity demanded by his medical work. To emphasize this
contrast, Doogie's faithful sidekick Vinnie generally hangs around
and acts like a normal adolescent.
In this week's episode, Doogie has decided to unload his
virginity. There are a couple of humorous or poignant false
starts, but then he makes it with a corpse down in the morgue.
That's right. Uncle Mike has stooped to necrophilia. Adolescent
geniuses sometimes have emotional troubles: "God help me, I even
thought about shoving it in her asshole as well -- but the
sphincter muscles tend to relax after death, and I didn't want to
stick my cock into a load of shit." Vinnie and Doogie conclude
that Doogie is now a non-virgin, even though the partner was
"unconscious."
If you're looking for a realistic, erotic sex story, this is not
it. On the other hand, if you want to read a good parody, this is
an excellent story. The author does a great job of inserting
bizarre events into the "Doogie Howser" standard format.
Ratings for "Doogie Howser, M.D."
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Coach" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Christine
has planned a surprise for Hayden. She has left a provocative
note inside a special issue of Playboy Magazine, and now she has
sneaked into his office, wearing nothing but a trench coat and a
smile. She has locked the doors, and now she springs the surprise
upon him. Actually, SHE's the one who is surprised. It's not
Hayden there behind the Playboy centerfold, but Dauber, who gives
her cunt the ride of her life.
This short piece is good - but it's not among Uncle Mike's best.
Ratings for "Coach"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Blossom: First Date" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Nick is having trouble getting a
date. He needs something to do on Saturday night, and his sons
have made excuses; his wonderful, kind-hearted daughter agrees to
go to dinner with him. He is worried about Blossom. He has done
the best he could raising her on his own these last few years
since the divorce, but secretly he fears he hasn't done enough. Is
she ready for adulthood -- and adult relationships? One son is a
recovering addict, another -- not to put it too bluntly -- dumb as
a rock. Blossom is his last hope.
Well, she kisses well, and gives good head; and her cherry pops
pretty easily. In fact, she's pretty good in the sack.
I am not a "Blossom" aficionado, and so it was hard for me to
grasp the satire. The characters came across as horny, insipid
fools; but I suspect that the author was poking fun at the show.
Maybe you Blossomites out there will enjoy this one more than I
did.
Ratings for "Blossom"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). I have never watched an entire
episode of "Father Dowling." I may be wrong, but I had the
impression that it had something to do with a priest and nun
working together to solve crimes; but this story has no detective
work in it. Since I know so little, I won't try to comment any
further than that on how well this story works as a parody.
The story focuses on Father Prestwick, who is hearing confessions.
Most of the penitents are old ladies and children, whose "sins"
are boring; but then in comes Mrs. Klimaszewski, the woman in her
early 30's who wears no bra and whose husband is out of town and
who confesses her sins of masturbating and getting it on with the
newspaper boy. Since that session has already turned him on,
Father feels predisposed to prod <g> a little when Sister
Stephanie comes in to confess her sins; and pretty soon Sister
Steve has another sin - or several sins, depending on how you
count - to confess the next time she drops by the confessional.
I honestly believe that Catholic priests have gotten a bad rap in
recent years. I think they are every bit as upright and virtuous,
although certainly not as intelligent, as English teachers; and I
really don't think they are any more likely to behave
unprofessionally than other people who work closely with people.
I really doubt that the sort of thing described in this story
happens very often. But it sure makes a good story!
Ratings for "Father Dowling"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Home Improvement: Do Not Go Gentle" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Jonathan and Zachary play the
roles of the two older kids on "Home Improvement." Shooting has
been canceled for the day because Tim (the star) and Taron (the
other kid) got injured and had to go to the hospital when Taron
tried to hit Tim across the knee with a real board that the other
kids had convinced Taron was a phony board and Tim had dropped
onto Taron a belt sander which he was not holding very securely
because of a burn he had suffered on the job. There! That should
demonstrate the importance of using several short, clear sentences
in place of one long sentence. If the preceding wasn't clear,
don't worry. It wasn't important anyway: it was just a setup, so
that Jon and Zach can visit Pat (the female lead) in her dressing
room and have sex with her.
The mischievous lads' basic theory is that since they're probably
going to be fired from the show anyway, they'll rape Pat and then
have the producers pay them off so they won't tell the tabloids
they did it. American children are so creative! More precisely,
Pat will come out of her dressing room and notice that nobody else
is there, but she will assume that it is a surprise party or a
bloopers out-take and will just hop into the bed when the guys ask
her to do so. This is so crazy it just might work! But they'll
probably have to tie her up.
Ratings for "Home Improvement"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
Dan Rather had initially been miffed at having Connie Chung
assigned as his co-anchor; but of late he has begun to enjoy the
visual pleasantries of having a hot chick to look at during breaks
in the evening news. Imagine his surprise when Connie confides in
him that she and Maury are having trouble getting pregnant.
Imagine his further surprise when she asks Dan to be the sperm
donor - right there on her couch! This is a hot an sexy story.
I'll have to switch from NBC to CBS for my evening news.
The Bad News is that Max Wojtylak recently announced that he is
almost out of these parodies. As you may know, Max himself did
not write these stories; his Uncle Mike did, and Max simply found
the stories when he was cleaning up the hard drive or something
like that. My advice to Max is to get Norton Utilities and run
the Unerase program; maybe there are another ten or so stories
buried there. If that doesn't work, try a seance. I really like
these stories; and oddly enough, Uncle Mike seems to write better
the longer he's been dead. Imagine that!
Ratings for "CBS Evening News"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Brady Bunch" by Uncle Mike. (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu)
This story raises an interesting question: "What kind of architect
would make the six kids in his blended family share one bathroom?"
The basic plot of this series centered around the minor problems
the three boys and three girls have getting along with each other.
This week's episode is no exception. While Bobby and Greg are
raping Marcia in the shower, she slips and accidentally impales
her cunt on Peter's rigid cock. Meanwhile, Greg loses his
balance, and his penis inadvertently slips firmly into Marcia's
mouth. Imagine that. Stranger things have happened on American
sitcoms. This turns out to be such a pleasant experience that
Marcia simply has to share her pleasure with her sister Jan. So
she sends Cindy (who is to young for this sort of thing) to sleep
with Mom (and presumably with Dad) and then goes to work on Jan.
Soon we have Marcia sitting on Jan's face while one guy has a cock
buried in Jan's cunt and the other has his rammed down Marcia's
throat. Then Mom opens the door and catches them, but she just
joins in. That's how they all became the Brady Bunch. Sing along
now: That's how they all became the Brady Bunch - the Brady Bunch!
Ratings for "The Brady Bunch"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Married with Children" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). It's Bud's birthday, and he has
decided to take care of his own presents this year. To make a
long story short, he tricks his sister and eventually his mother
into having sex with him by making them think they are helping him
with his magic tricks. This is not a bad story, but it's not up
to some of the brilliant stuff Uncle Mike has written in the past.
Although the present story is closer to perfect stylistically and
grammatically, I thought the "Married with Children" story posted
a month ago by King Pach (reviewed in CR 128) was a much more
interesting episode.
Ratings for "Married with Children"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Fame" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). This story
is based on the movie and television series of the same title; but
knowledge of those shows is unnecessary. This story about a
teacher and student rehearsing for a dance performance stands on
its own. It is replete with arpeggios, counterpoints, dramatic
leaps, abrupt pirouettes, and other subtleties that rarely occur
in light-hearted sex stories. Once the sweat kicks in and the
music charges the emotions, Miss Grant begins to look literally
lewd and lascivious in her lovely, lithe, and luscious little
leotard that covers her palpably pulsating pussy while her pupil
plays the piano. Lost in a delightful daydream about driving his
desperate dick into the dark cunt of his teacher and fatefully
fantasizing about her eyes flashing during the forthcoming
fellatio, Bruno strikes a heavy chord when he would have preferred
to remove her g-string, and his faux pas draws the teacher's
attention to his engorged love wand and reminds her that perhaps
he has a different form of rhapsody on his mind.
As Miss Grant changes into her costume behind the portable
blackboard, Bruno realizes that her taut brown body is naked
before him but for that one obstruction, and he tries to regain
his composure by concentrating on the middle arpeggio while
stroking his middle appendage. To make a long story brief,
shortly after Miss Grant praises him and encourages him to just
keep it up, Bruno comes wildly in his pants while the devilish
dancer accidentally brushes against his beleaguered body. As he
finishes the piece, she moves away and comments, "Perfect tempo,
Mr. Martelli, but you finished too quickly." More practice seems
to be in order - but only after she checks and tunes his
instrument. Damn! He'll have to tell his mother the teacher kept
him after school.
A faux pas occurs! This is a school for the gifted. Shouldn't "I
never thought a teacher could suck cock so good" be more fittingly
rendered, "I had not realized that a teacher could fellate so
felicitously"?
This is an exceptionally well-written story. The description and
integration with the musical theme was so well done that I
practically came just reading about the dance scenario - before
there was any actual sexual contact. Then the actual sex was even
more vivid. I strongly recommend this story!
Ratings for "Fame"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
Grammar Tip of the Week: