Celestial Reviews 186 - May 31, 1997
Note: I apologize for not being able to read all the stories people
would like me to review. I know sometimes my decisions regarding what
to review seem irrational or unfair; but please remember that I am doing
this as a free service and have a right to exercise a certain amount of
freedom in my selection. I'll keep on trying to review all the stories
I can. If I seem to have forgotten your story, it's OK to send me a
note to try to jar my memory.
Second Note: The Blow Job Principle: We are in danger of losing some of
our best authors. I am aware of at least two people who say they are
ready to throw in the towel simply because they get so little feedback
from readers. If you rarely or never respond to authors, then THIS IS
YOUR FAULT!
What in the world do you think keeps an author going? You can call it
ego or whatever you want to call it. I call it the Blow Job Principle.
Simply stated, if a person expects to get a second blow job, the
recipient should make the giver glad to have performed the first.
Applied to these stories, if you like a story, take the trouble to say
so.
Some writers on this newsgroup are incoherent and don't intend to
improve. If they give up and go away, that's fine with me. But there
are good writers who have already abandoned this newsgroup and others
who will do so, because there's nothing in it for them.
I'm not suggesting that you kiss up to the authors. But if you enjoy a
story that you obtained for free, why not take two minutes to give the
author some feedback? I don't think most authors want idle flattery;
but they write stories with the hope that they are getting a reaction -
for example, they may want to make people happy. They'll never know
they have succeeded unless somebody tells them so.
Third Note: Remember the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest.
{Several people have pointed out to me that this is actually my Fourth -
not Third -Contest. No one has yet pointed out to me that I have only
been writing these reviews for about two years; so how can I have had so
many ANNUAL contests?} The rules are that the story must in some way be
about sex and must be restricted to 500 words or less. In addition, the
story should include some sort of unusual twist. If you wish, you can
submit several super-short stories together (as Vickie Tern has now done
on two occasions), or you can post them separately under separate
titles. However, I'll give first prize to the best STORY, not to the
best collection. The deadline for submissions will be June 3, which my
calendar tells me is the date on which the Catholic Church will
celebrate the feast of St. Charles Lwanga and his companions.
I have received a large number of stories for this contest. I am now
making a request that people who have submitted stories check the list
below to make sure I have their entries correctly listed. Sometimes
stories have not been labeled clearly, and sometimes I just plain get
confused. Note that in order for a story to be considered a contest
entry, the author him/herself must submit it and state that it is for
the contest. An example of an unacceptable entry would be a repost of
one of Deirdre's short stories without her permission or a story that
appears on a.s.s. or a.s.s.m. that happens to be under the size limit.
For example, an author recently posted a humorous anecdote that would
have fallen within the word limit but was not labeled as an entry for
the contest. If an author wants to be in this contest, he/she has to
tell me so. In order to avoid mistakes, I am listing here (in general
alphabetical order) all the stories that I THINK have been submitted for
this contest.
"Am I Only Dreaming?" by Paddy Toute
"B----'s Lover" by Eli-the-Bearded
"Bees" by Mat Twassel
"Civility" by Mark Aster
"Foodie" by Plainman
"The Game" by Michael Ellis
"The Harpooner" by MrSpraycan
"The Houseguest" by DG
"If." by Mary's Brother
"Listening to the Neighbors" by Renae Nicks
"The Phone Call" by Gregarious
"Poe" by Seurat
"Ships that Parse in the Night" by John Thomas
"What Choice? by Mal
Three entries (I think) by Mike Hunt
Five stories by Tom Bombadil
"Teasers" by Vickie Tern (several eligible entries)
"Twist" by Seurat (several eligible entries)
Stephanie {The winner of my first two "annual" contests} has promised me
an entry but has not yet submitted it.
These authors can ignore this advice if they wish, but I would suggest
that Vickie Tern and Seurat may wish to add titles to their stories. At
present, I believe these stories are simply labeled as i, ii, etc. That
format will make it difficult for readers to comment; and I may find it
difficult to give a prize to a story entitled xii. Just a thought.
If stories should be added to or deleted from this list, please contact
me. After the deadline I'll post a list of all the entries, and the
authors should repost their stories. Readers who wish to do so will be
encouraged to send the input to me or to comment through a.s.s.d. I'll
allow myself to be influenced by this discussion, but the final decision
will be mine.
Fourth Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Sense 15 - Now that's what I call Cybersex!!" by Thomas Morris
(cybersex) 10, 10, 9
"Some Things Just Happen" by Mike Hunt (romantic one-nighter)
10, 10, 10
"Losing It On Holiday" by Paddy Toute (first time) 10, 10, 10
"The Patient English" by MrSpraycan (incremental D&s) 10, 10, 9
"Head of the Class" by Jack Kendall (sitcom parody) 8, 8, 8
"Gone With the Wind" by Hadley V. Baxendale (novel parody)
9, 9, 9
"Daisy" by John Thomas (humor) 10, 8, 9
"Math Class Daydream" Joe Blow (adolescent fantasy) 10, 9, 9
"Lucid Dreamer" by Delta (romantic dream control) 10, 10, 10
* "The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (utopian sex) 10, 10, 10
* "Awakenings" by Annette (virgin to slut transition)
10, 10, 10
* "First Love" by Unknown Author (emerging adolescence)
6, 9, 7
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"Sense 15 - Now that's what I call Cybersex!!" by Thomas Morris
(Thomas@leesti.demon.co.uk). A mist comes out of the man's computer,
and it forms into a beautiful woman. She's one of the gods of the
Internet - those mysterious beings that make all those enigmatic things
that nobody can understand happen over modems on our computers. It
seems that she needs a break: she has been reading the man's e-mails and
submissions to newsgroups, and she has decided that he would be a good
person with whom to share that break. As you might expect, her fetishes
match his, and a good time is had by all.
Ratings "Sense 15"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Some Things Just Happen" by Mike Hunt (M1KE HUNT@aol.com). After a
voyeuristic introduction, the author plunges us into a story about a man
and a woman who meet on a park bench in the Boston area and are forced
by a sudden rainstorm to take refuge in his nearby condominium, where
they make tender love. The combination of naturalness and humor in the
author's delivery and dialogue is wonderful. This is a beautiful story,
and I won't ruin it by trying to summarize it any further.
Ratings "Some Things Just Happen"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Losing It On Holiday" by Paddy Toute (Paddy22@aol.com). The 17-year-
old guy has been the beneficiary of a very strict upbringing -
puritanical, we might say. He is on what we Yanks call a vacation with
his parents, when he seizes an opportunity to acquire that most valuable
commodity of all - a porn magazine. Good news - he finds a store with
magazines, successfully purchases one without incurring the opprobrium
of the man behind the counter, takes it to his room, and begins to jerk
off {er, wank - he's British} in the presence of the magnificent tits
and pussies he finds in the journal. Bad news - the maid comes to clean
the room and catches him in the Act. Good news - the maid joins in the
fun. More good news - the maid joins in the fun a second time. Then
she goes away and never sees him again for his entire life. Imagine
that.
This is a good story. In real life, things like this don't happen all
that often. For one thing, how often does the maid who comes upon the
wanker both (a) speak the same language and (b) want to have sex for
free? In addition, it seems likely that even a British adolescent would
have the sense to use the privacy lock to eliminate intruders.
Nevertheless, this is an excellent description of a typical adolescent
fantasy.
Ratings "Losing It On Holiday"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Patient English" by MrSpraycan (mrspraycan.an@edtec.com). The
woman and her boyfriend both work for Neue Salzbergische Credietanstalt
und Handelsbank fuer Ostlandischeverfahrenstecnik & Co. That's a bank,
of course. He's an Englishman who is married, but to a dull
Englishwoman. She's a German. She teaches him to be submissive. He
likes it a lot. Eventually she even has him looking forward to a
torture chamber in a dungeon; but the bank directors, who are humorless,
asexual drones interested in nothing but banking, catch them in foreplay
on company property and can them both.
People who automatically like D&s will love this story. I don't fal in
that category, but I still liked the story. After a point, I couldn't
understand why a sane person would put up with this kind of treatment,
but then I concluded that maybe male British bankers are just that way
around female German bankers. It wouldn't surprise me at all.
Ratings "The Patient English"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Head of the Class" by Jack Kendall (jkendall@popmail.ucsd.edu). "Head
of the Class" was a sitcom about Charlie Moore, a teacher for a class of
gifted students in an American high school. Charlie was really an
adolescent at heart, but also an astute, inquisitive thinker who knew
how to motivate students and make them want to learn. None of that is
evident in this story; but instead we learn that he also has a sexual
side. He has been boinking the Vice-Principal, Ms. Meara, but his eye
has been wandering to the more nubile students who seem to be infatuated
with him.
A good parody imitates the pattern of the original show. This one does
not accomplish that effectively. We start with a view of what Charlie
is thinking about; then we suddenly find ourselves watching Alex being
punished by Ms. Meara for wanking {er, jerking off - he's American} in
the library. Of course, she has Alex verbally recreate the situation;
and when he gets excited, she helps him out. Next we are treated to a
segment with a guy blackmailing a girl into having sex with him by
threatening to expose her fantasies about wanting to rim another girl.
And so it goes. There's plenty of fairly hot sex; and even though the
story does not effectively parody the original show, it does have the
advantage of letting readers who are familiar with the show imagine
those TV characters doing all these kinky things to one another.
Ratings "Head of the Class"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Gone With the Wind" by Hadley V. Baxendale (A+ Story). You'll be happy
to know that even after the war and even after giving birth to Bonnie
and even though her twenty-inch waist was slightly larger, Scarlett's
buttocks and stomach are as firm as they have ever been. With Rhett out
of town on business, Scarlett's eyes and thoughts have begun to wander
back to her beloved Ashley. Tonight she has decided to sneak into the
anteroom next to Ashley and Melanie's bedroom at Tara and to watch them
frolic. But she makes a noise and Ashley catches Scarlett in her
voyeurism. Ashley is pissed {in the American, not British, sense} but
Melly takes pity. What with the carpetbaggers and being married to an
asshole like Rhett - what Scarlett really needs is an opportunity to
participate in a wholesome threesome. And so they do.
I first read "Gone with the Wind" when I was a freshman in college. It
read the whole book during exam week. My friends thought I was crazy,
but I just couldn't put the book down. Now, over two decades later, I
discover that all of Scarlett's angst was in vain. Melanie would have
been willing to share Ashley, as long as she could watch and
occasionally join in while he made love to Scarlett. Things have become
a lot simpler since the days when Margaret Mitchell wrote her novel. I
suspect Simon Legree would likewise make a better impression on this
newsgroup than he did in "Uncle Tom's Cabin."
To quote some of the great minds of American history: "Why can't we all
just get along?" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Ratings "Gone With the Wind"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Daisy" by John Thomas (JohnThomas@compusurge.com). This is a brief
story about a practical joke played on a pimp. It's very short, but
quite enjoyable. I can't tell you anything about it, because that would
ruin the story for you.
Ratings "Daisy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Math Class Daydream" Joe Blow (Joe@aol.com). The guy has been pining
away for the classmate who doesn't even know he exists. One day at the
end of class she drops a note off on his desk, asking him to join her in
a hotel room after school. Is this a daydream, or what? Read the story
and find out.
I have not seen other stories by this author. This was a good one. I
hope he writes more.
Ratings "Math Class Daydream"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Lucid Dreamer" by Delta (delta@bc.sympatico.ca). Robert is a guy with
a physical disability, and his limp has impaired his capacity to hit it
off with interesting women. Other than that, he is a normal guy who
likes to hang out with his friends at a bar. He also has a crush on a
woman whom he observes from a bus. And most important (for this story,
that is), he has been trying to take control of his dreams. He wants to
have "lucid dreams"; that is, he wants to become conscious of when he is
dreaming and deliberately let the dreams go where he wants them to go.
He has read a book about it, and by darn it should work! In fact, he
has his eye on a lady whom he has never met. All he knows is that she's
beautiful and wears a wedding ring. But if he ever became lucid in a
dream, he had plans for that lady.
But then he meets Trudi, the girl of his dreams - literally. And then
the story gets complicated. I'm not going to try to summarize it.
Let's just say that it's a nice story that blends romance with the
paranormal - sort of like the movie "Ghost." If you're at all familiar
with Delta's other stories, you can easily suspect that this one might
be good.
A technical note: Delta is a wonderful writer - Delta's worst stories
are better than I could ever write myself; and so the following "advice"
needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Delta posted this story in
serial format - one chapter at a time. I reviewed the first chapter
(and I am repeating part of that review here) and then I waited until
the whole thing was finished before I read and reviewed the whole story.
In a cover letter Delta pointed out that the characters had changed as
the plot developed - and, indeed, that the basic plot had changed in
several ways. If this is the case, then it seems to me that it would
have been sensible to CHANGE some of the earlier parts in view of these
alterations; but since the earlier chapters had already "gone to press,"
this was impossible.
A large number of authors employ this serial format. I suppose a major
reason is that they want to get reactions and feedback from readers.
Some authors get started and then simply quit after one or two chapters;
but it seems to me that even those who continue may be hurting their
cause. Wouldn't it be better to wait until the author him/herself knows
EXACTLY how the story will end before considering the earlier chapters
to be finished? It seems to me that authors limit themselves by locking
themselves into characterizations or plot elements that either prevent
development or make development awkward in view of earlier statements
that could easily be changed if they were not already etched in stone.
Back to the present story - and to my original review! I have some
theories of my own about dreams. First, I have discovered that my own
dreams aren't all that interesting. These stories, for example, are
usually a lot more interesting than my dreams. I used to think my
dreams were interesting, and once I decided (like Robert in this story)
to write down my really good ones. For this purpose I kept a notepad by
my bed. I had a really great dream one night, and I jotted down some
notes. Since it was a sexy dream, I cut the notes short and cuddled up
against my husband's ass, hoping to get back into the dream. I drifted
orgasmically back to sleep. The next morning at breakfast I remembered
my dream. Knowing that I could write a best-selling novel based on that
dream, I rushed back to the bedroom and retrieved the notepad. The
notes easily enabled me to recall the entire dream. It was one of the
stupidest stories I had ever heard of - even worse than some of the ones
my sister-in-law has described at the dinner table. Within a week I
discovered that MOST of my dreams became inane under close scrutiny.
The dreams were often really fun to have, but that must have because in
my sleepy stupor I focused on key details and ignored fairly obvious
inconsistencies. My dreams simply did not have complete and coherent
plots; they fell apart under even superficial analysis. In addition,
they reeked of plagiarism. Since the critical examinations were ruining
my dream-sex-life, I threw the notepad away.
Second, I believe that the psychological "importance" of dreams is
overrated. Freud may have been a bright guy, but most dreams are not
worth "interpreting." I find that my dreams are just as likely to be
influenced by what's on television while I sleep, by noises outside my
window, and by what I read as by "subconscious feelings" that can give
any meaning to my life. My dreams are especially likely to be
influenced by a pair of lips or a tongue on the right part of my anatomy
during the hour or so before I am scheduled to wake up; but it doesn't
require psychoanalysis to figure out why this is so.
Third, I have tried something similar to what Robert does in this story.
I have this personality flaw called a conscience that prohibits me from
doing some really neat things - like making love to my husband's best
friend, eating the pussy of one of the women I teach with, and engaging
in a gangbang with some attractive and athletic people. I don't object
to having this conscience rule my life; I honestly believe that bad
things would happen in real life if I just threw aside my moral code of
conduct. But what pisses me off is that this conscience runs not only
my real life, but also my dream-life.
A while ago, for example, I was out jogging in the early morning with my
husband, when we came upon a blue-eyed blond in a really sexy body suit.
She was lying by the side of a beautiful lake, masturbating. When she
noticed us, she moaned, gave a come-hither look that brought my
husband's cock to attention, and invited us to join her. Then I found
myself saying, "No, we shouldn't do this." My husband replied, "Why
not?". My cunt got this really warm feeling, and I said to myself, "I
think I'm dreaming." Then I continued, "If this is a dream, I can go
ahead...." But then the mere fact that I was thinking that it might be
a dream caused me to awaken from the dream.
Fortunately, my husband is great about things like this. He has given
me permission to cuddle up to him and bang away whenever I feel the
urge. He doesn't even care whether I awaken him or not, and I can
include anyone I want in my fantasies. Just once I'd like to go ahead
with the original dream; but the first time I do that, I'm certain I'll
discover that it wasn't a dream after all.
See what I mean? The analysis of my dreams can get really boring. Delta
has now finished this story, and I still haven't resolved my dilemma.
But I can dream, can't I?
Ratings for "Lucid Dreamer"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (Dillweeder@aol.com). The Red
Dragon has posted this as "by Anonymous." I have it in my files
as "edited" by Asshmuck. I originally reviewed this back in CR
48.
The most significant characteristic of the fortieth floor is that
the people who "work" there don't actually do anything except have
sex whenever they want to do so. What kind of place is this? Is
this a government job? Is this where those AOL consultants go
when they're not giving advice to confused a.s.s. users? Is this
heaven? You'll have to read the story and find out. It's a
creative story; and I might add that my description of this as
"utopian sex" is not all that far off.
Ratings "The Fortieth Floor"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Awakenings" by Annette. The young lady is a naive virgin who
has just graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on
is the thought that when a man penetrates her for the first time
it will be to shoot live ammunition at an unprotected target. She
gets all churned up at the idea of totally unprotected sex with an
even chance of being put in the family way. When a rich guy she
really likes comes on strong to her, she tells him her feelings
and says she's just not quite ready yet. Naive? Well, sort of;
but she certainly knows how to keep Alan at bay!
She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly
before the wedding he gets called away for work for two months
overseas, and she goes on a cruise. The cruise ship is a
veritable stud farm; and she mates with the ships mate. Not to
worry; he'll use a condom. Ooops! To hell with the condom; he'll
withdraw. Ooops! To hell with withdrawal; he has a supply of the
RU 462 morning after pill. Ah! Ecstasy (or Ecstasy, as the Brits
say); ten straight days and nights of ecstasy. Ooops! If you've
never seen an RU 462 pill, I guess it's easy to confuse them with
Relaxatabs.
The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to
ignore them, you can probably do so as well.
Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside
me. Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons.
They give as examples "military intelligence," "governmental
efficiency," and "honest lawyer." It may be funny to refer to
these as oxymorons, because by doing so the speaker is suggesting
that the military is inherently unintelligent, the government
inefficient, and lawyers dishonest. The problem with those
examples is that they are better examples of humor than of
oxymorons.
This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her
first engorged penis and refers to as "how beautifully ugly!"
That's a perfect oxymoron. I once heard the person behind me at a
wedding ceremony refer to the bride's "utterly ugly beauty" -
making the point that the extreme artificiality of her makeup was
not beautiful at all. There's a famous Latin expression: "festina
lente" - make haste slowly, or as Yogi Berra put it, "Take your
time; but hurry up!" A genuine oxymoron makes a point. In the
story, the idea is that the male sex organ fully engorged with
blood is really pretty grotesque if you look at it objectively;
but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it can give,
it's beautiful. This is such a great example; I want so much to
use it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had
better not. American middle class manners; now there's an
oxymoron for you!
Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully
graphic. I strongly recommend this story.
Ratings for "Awakenings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "First Love" by Unknown Author (gval7904@flash.net). Stories by
teenage authors can be interesting. When they write about "young love,"
teenage authors have the advantage of being "young" and perhaps in love.
On the other hand, the often lack perspective and the ability to express
themselves really well. Sometimes this simplicity of expression
enhances the story, sometimes it doesn't.
Of course, we all know that the disclaimers at the beginning of nearly
all the stories on this newsgroup prohibit teenagers from even reading
these stories, and I presume that prohibition is strictly enforced.
Therefore, I'll assume that this story is written by an adult who wants
to give the impression that it is written by a teenager. Got that?
Aside from stylistic problems, this is a simple retelling of a story
that has happened and has been told thousands of times. The 15-year-old
boy and the 14-year-old girl are in love and make love for the first
time while she is baby-sitting. The story is realistic and sexy. The
kids do not use any protection. She assumes that since he loves her
that he won't give her any form of STD and they naively don't give any
thought to pregnancy. In the real world the word for this is stupid,
but I presume we are operating here in the fantasy world where pregnancy
and AIDS don't exist. However, even if we put this story in the real
world, this really is the way young teenagers often think and act with
regard to sexual behavior.
When I was 14, my mother told me I was too young to have sex. When I
asked when I could make love to someone, she said after college, when I
got married. It sounded like a long time. I stayed busy with sports
and studies and cheerleading. I learned to kiss, to neck, to
masturbate, and to fantasize.
Aside from religious principles, the main reason NOT to do what the two
kids do in this story is because it will be hard to stop. What in the
world are these two kids going to do for an encore? They believe that
they will be in love forever. Kids often really do express that belief,
but this is not very probable - or even desirable. I know lots of my
young friends who started sex very young, and the simple fact is that
they just aren't (on the average) as happy now as are my friends who
waited until they were older. There are exceptions, of course; but they
ALL assumed they would be the exception.
Anyway, this story does a good job of presenting teen sex from a teen
perspective. I thought it was simultaneously beautiful, sexy, and sad.
By the way, this is not the same story as the one with the same title
(also by an Unknown Author) that received my award for Top Story of
1996. That story was much longer and more thoroughly developed than
this one.
Ratings for "First Love"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7