Celestial Reviews 178 - May 2, 1997
Note: Back in CR 174 I raised a question regarding the propriety of and
desirability of some of my reviews. First, let me deal with a question
of netiquette. Someone pointed out that it was somehow rude for me to
have quoted verbatim part of the message from the person who raised the
issue. I personally don't see how this sort of citation can be
perceived as a breach of etiquette. The writer had raised an issue, and
I wanted input from readers. I did not mention his/her name, and I even
stated that the writer seemed to have a genuine concern. I did not
intend to cause personal embarrassment for this correspondent; and as
far as I can see, I could not possibly have caused any.
This person's comments and input from a few other readers have led me to
change my review policy slightly. If any author ever requests that I
NOT review his/her story, I'll probably honor that request. In fact, I
believe the person who sent me the original e-mail message has
subsequently posted other stories, and I have deliberately refrained
from reviewing them.
The overall feedback is that authors usually like to have someone review
their stories and that my reviews are often more useful to both authors
and readers than many other forms of feedback available on a.s.s.
Indeed, since I posted that message I have been overwhelmed with
requests from authors to review their stories.
I am aware that my "reviews" are in a strict sense often more than mere
reviews. Sometimes they are critical essays; sometimes the reviews
contain short stories; and sometimes they are something else that may be
hard to define. I write these reviews because I have fun doing so and
because I get the distinct impression that my reviews help bring a
little joy and insight into the lives of a lot of people. While I
appreciate the kind words that many people have recently written to me
or to the newsproup, I had no intention of starting any sort of
hostilities over my reviews.
Please note that there is a rationale behind the three-part ratings plus
narrative critique that comprise each review. I give separate ratings
to (1) style, (2) story line, and (3) my enjoyment for a good reason:
these ratings convey distinct sets of information, and readers/authors
can use them accordingly. For example, if I don't like an otherwise
well-written story very much and hence rate it 10,10, 5, a sensible
person whose tastes are different from mine might have reason to believe
that this is an excellent story for his/her tastes. Or the author might
consider this to be evidence that he/she has written a good story that
did not happen to appeal to my tastes. I suppose there could be a
better system, but I developed this one based on feedback from a
correspondent, and it seems to work pretty well.
The narrative part of the "reviews" is designed to entertain readers, to
reinforce authors for their effort or to give them feedback, and
sometimes to discuss my insights about topics that arise in a story.
Although I say I don't write stories of my own, it's obvious to me that
some parts of these reviews are actually stories. I have tried to
develop a relationship with my readers and authors and to encourage them
to develop a relationship with one another. I think this has happened,
and it thrills me to be a part of this process.
Second Note: Some of my students have been participating in a
competition that requires them to have a thorough understanding of
Wuthering Heights. Last week one of them said to me, "This is stupid.
In real life Heathcliffe would make Isabella into a sex slave and flaunt
this fact in her brother's face." That's actually a pretty shrewd
analysis. My favorite comment, however, was this one: "Wuthering
Heights is just like a soap opera, only the people on the soaps have
more depth of character." At least these kids are thinking!
Third Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Forks" by Uther Pendragon(romance & marriage) 10, 10, 10
"Hard Candy" by Dafney DeWitt (pseudo mind control)
"My New Stepsister" by Anonymous (emerging adolescence)
9, 9, 9
"In the Next Room/Director's Cut Version" by MrSpraycan
(art museum sex) 10, 10, 10
"Romancing the Stone" by S.L. Jarva (magical sex) 10, 10, 10
"Teasers 2" by Vickie Tern (short subjects) 10, 10, 10
* "Change of Pace" by Mike Allegretto and Caitlin B. (sci fi TG)
8, 10, 10
* "Vials" by Uther Pendragon (pseudo mind control)
10, 9.5, 10
* "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!" by MrSpraycan (sexual humor)
9, 9, 9
* "Mayberry" by Richard Dale.(sitcom parody) 9, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"Forks" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Since this is a story by
Uther Pendragon that begins with "For...", we know that it is about a
married couple named Bob and Jeanette Brennan. In this continuation of
their saga we find them arguing over petty things. The argument is very
realistic. These people sound like my husband when he doesn't quite
have his head on straight and he starts picking on me for little things.
In fact, for a while the story started to be a bit of drag, as these two
people with head colds continued to bitch at each other over the dumbest
things. But then they made up. Have you ever noticed that in real life
it's almost worthwhile to have petty arguments just because of the great
sex you can have to make up afterwards?
Incidentally, the title refers to the concept that a place setting
should always include a fork, whether the people who are dining will
need one or not. That's something worth arguing over as the basis of a
permanent marital relationship.
Ratings for "Forks"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My New Stepsister" by Anonymous. The young boy's mother remarries, and
(as the title indicates) therefore the narrator inherits a new
stepsister, who is more knowledgeable than he about sexual matters. A
favorite memory of his childhood is the "game" he used to play with his
stepsister, when they would cuddle up and she would go to sleep and he
would explore her body. Not only did he get turned on, but she also had
some major orgasms in her sleep; and in retrospect the narrator has
begun to wonder whether she really was asleep all those times.
Ratings for "My New Stepsister"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"In the Next Room/Director's Cut Version" by MrSpraycan
(mrspraycan.an@edtec.com). The author of this story claims to be waging
a "One Man Campaign For Intelligent Filth." Here he asks us to believe
that there are slutty people in New York who are willing to engage in
sex in a public museum. Hmmm... I guess I can accept that premise. At
least it's fun to think about people engaging in bizarre sexual
activities in the display rooms and restrooms of the Metropolitan Museum
of Art. This is a well-written, creative story.
I have seen this name often in the postings, but the only other story I
have reviewed by this author is "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!" I'll
repost that review, and maybe the author will repost the story. He has
a web site at http://www.SineWave.com/spraycan.
Ratings for "In the Next Room"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Romancing the Stone" by S.L. Jarva (LadyScribe@aol.com). A woman can
never really have romantic sex with a statue, can she? Never say never.
We have mythological precedent in the story of Galatea. a statue loved
by Pygmalion, CEO of Cyprus, who prayed to Aphrodite, CEO of love, that
the statue might be given life. His prayer was answered, and Pygmalion
and Galatea fucked their mutual brains out, although both Bullfinch and
George Bernard Shaw tell a tamer version of this story. In the present
story the statue sports an erection in the middle of the night, and the
narrator impales herself on it - to their mutual interpersonal
gratification. It's a nice story!
Ratings for "In the Next Room"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Teasers 2" by Vickie Tern(VickieTern@aol.com). I first met Robert
Browning under the sterile tutelage of a nun whom I shall refer to as
Sister Mary Poetry. I was shocked that semester by the comment of one
of my classmates who said that what SMP really needed was to get laid.
I met her at a subsequent class reunion and discovered that several
years after I graduated, Sister left the convent and did indeed get laid
- probably more often and with richer variety than almost anyone we have
read about on a.s.s. However, by the time of our reunion, she had a
Ph.D. in English, was a Little League mother driving a station wagon,
and was happily married to her third husband.
Anyway, under her instruction I discovered that Robert Browning was
boring as hell, and I could not understand what Elizabeth Barrett saw in
him that would make her want to count the ways she loved him. Then in
college I had an English prof who read "My Last Duchess" out loud to me
correctly, and I discovered that it was a magnificent but concise
revelation of the character of the person who was describing his
previous wife in that poem. All of this has nothing to do with the
present set of "teasers," except that some of them reminded me strongly
of Browning's poetry. That is, I thought at first that I was reading a
really simple description, and then suddenly I realized I was reading
about something a lot different and substantially more shocking than had
been my original impression.
This author does something similar with this set of "teasers." They
vary greatly in quality and in subject matter, but they generally have a
narrator telling a story in which a sudden twist occurs that left me
with a completely different impression than I thought I was going to get
from the story.
I like these teasers. I like them so much that I am going to proclaim
the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest. The rules are that the
story must in some way be about sex and must be restricted to 500 words
or less. In addition, the story should include some sort of unusual
twist - like the unexpected self-revelation in "My Last Duchess" or the
suprise endings in several of Vickie Tern's or Deirdre's stories. If
you wish, you can submit several super-short stories together (as this
author has now done on two occasions), or you can post them separately
under separate titles. However, I'll give first prize to the best
STORY, not to the best collection. The deadline for submissions will be
June 3, which my calendar tells me is the date on which the Catholic
Church will celebrate the feast of St. Charles Lwanga and his
companions.
Ratings for "Teasers 2"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Mad About You" by Frost (THC Archives). Although I have listed this as
a sitcom parody, that description is slightly inaccurate. A good parody
(like those of "Seinfeld" which I have reviewed in the past couple of
issues and "Mayberry" which is reviewed later in this issue) runs
parallel to and pokes fun at the show which it satirizes. On the other
hand, in the present story the author takes the main characters from the
"Mad About You" television story and puts them into a lengthy story that
is really not at all parallel to the sitcom format. Nevertheless, the
resulting pastiche is an interesting story. Paul and Jamie have
discovered that their love life has lost some of its spark. Paul treats
Jamie rather roughly during a sexual encounter, and they both are
surprised at how much they enjoy it. Pretty soon they really get into
some bondage and submission routines that they really enjoy.
I have often criticized D&s or bondage stories because they assume
without evidence that a "normal" person being subjected to harsh
treatment is likely to enjoy various sorts of degradation. This author
at least raises the question, letting us see that Jamie and Paul are
concerned about their enjoyment of apparently rough sex and are still
legitimately in love with each other. As I read the story I personally
was not convinced that this kind of activity would be immensely
enjoyable to me, but I could at least see the point in it, and I did
find the descriptions in most cases to be quite sexy. It was a good
presentation of a point of view that differs somewhat from my own.
Ratings for "Mad About You"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Change of Pace" by Mike Allegretto and Caitlin B.
(caitlinb@concentric.net). Jack is a bit of a rationalist: he doesn't
believe in magick. But his mother is a white witch, which means that
she can cast benevolent and humorous spells, like Samantha used to do on
"Bewitched." So she changes Jack into a person who looks just like
Agent Scully from the "X-Files." Actually, the transformation process
continues in several steps in 15 minute intervals until he becomes
totally female, but Mom doesn't tell him exactly what these steps are.
In addition, there are several other rules that are explained in the
story.
Since the change will be temporary (unless he requests that it be
permanent), Jack decides to play along, to enjoy it, and to make mental
notes that he can enjoy later. After all, he has lusted after the
Scully character for a long time, and soon he will be encapsulated
inside her body! There are several additional interesting twists and
turns in this story.
Chapters 1-3 were written some time ago by Mike Allegretto, and
Chapters 4-6 were drafted by Caitlin B., and finished by Caitlin B.
after feedback from Mike Allegretto. The two halves don't match up
perfectly (the pace of the second half is different from that of the
first, and the first three chapters develop at a more leisurely pace
than the last three), and some proofreading would have been in order;
but it's still a pretty good collaboration.
Ratings for "Change of Pace"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Vials" by Uther Pendragon (nobody@flame.alias.net). The guy has
failed to get past first base with the girl. Then he happens to meet a
guy who will sell him an aphrodisiac - not magic, mind you - just a
little something that will lower a woman's inhibitions and encourage her
to do what she really wants to do with a rich, handsome guy. And to top
it off, the salesman is willing to let him try one vial of the
aphrodasiac for free, provided that he agrees to purchase the remaining
19 vials for $5000 if the sample works. It works like a charm; and the
guy is only too eager to gobble up the other 19. And then there's the
surprise ending.
Ratings for "Vials"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!" by MrSpraycan
(mrspraycan.an@edtec.com). Bertie Wooster and Jeeves are characters in a
series of books by the British humorist P.G. Wodehouse. I first read
Wodehouse many years ago in a bad English class in college, and I had
forgotten about him until an Unknown Author posted a couple of stories
about a person named Bertram and his valet Cheeves. I liked those
stories a lot and received encouragement from some British readers to
read some Bertie and Jeeves stories. I did so, and I found them to be
delightful.
In the original Wodehouse stories Bertie Wooster is a member of the
British ruling class who is totally jobless and clueless, but lives the
quaint, insipid life of the British aristocracy. Jeeves is his valet, or
a gentleman's gentleman, as Bertie refers to him. Bertie gets into
trouble, usually involving women (mostly his aunts) and Jeeves saves him
from various fates worse than death. That is the standard plot. The
literati from the Motherland will already know this, but we Colonials
would be clueless as a crown prince without this commentary.
The earlier Bertram stories were very much in the style of Wodehouse.
For example, "Bertram I" was an adventure with Aunt Agnes, in which he
successfully utilized the one-man band technique on her pussy and
asshole, followed by a vigorous double-holing with the assistance of the
sainted Cheeves. In "Bertram II" the chap was again summoned to his
Aunt Agnes's house on the occasion of his cousin Wilhelmina's 21st
birthday. "Cheeves!" exclaims Bertram, "this is a disaster! Whatever
shall I give her?" What indeed! As usual, Cheeves is happy to be of
service. If someone would like to repost these two earlier stories, I'm
sure readers would appreciate it.
The present story is not quite as good a parody of Wodehouse, but it's
still a good story. The setting shifts from bygone days to contemporary
times, with Bertie being hunted down by a stripper and his dance
partner, a muscular black gentlemen who carries an AK47 and who Bertie
seems to have sodomized in the course of a playful strip show. This is
the first of a multipart series that looks like it's going to be pretty
good.
Ratings for "Good Lord, Jeeves, It's Her!"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Mayberry" by Richard Dale. The THC Archive has recently reposted
four chapters of this parody of "Andy of Mayberry." In the first
chapter, Sheriff Andy Taylor makes it in the squad car with his
insatiable girlfriend Helen, who is "just about the finest piece of ass
this side of Pumpkin Center! It shorely brings a smahl to my face, yes
it duz." In later chapters, we can read about other characters from the
series engaging in sexual acrobatics. We even discover that Aunt Bea's
friend Clara is the town exhibitionist. The sex isn't as hot in these
stories as in the Home Improvement series, but I think the author does a
more clever job of relating the stories to the original television
series. The metaphors even sound like the ones Andy and the gang would
have used themselves: "It felt like he shot enough {cum} to fill up a
box of night crawlers -- the double-size box of the big juicy kind that
Goober sold down to the gas station." However, we never do find out why
a nice guy like Andy would name his son Opie.
Ratings for "Mayberry"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10