Celestial Reviews 176 - April 26, 1997
First Time Mania: We have several good stories this week about first
time experiences. Just think back to those thrilling days of yesteryear
and enjoy them.
Second note: I received the following note from an author: "Thankyou
for giving my storie a good reviewing and giving it the covented
10,10,10 because I all ways wanted to be a grate arther and now I feels
like I are one."
Third note: Somebody recently pointed out that my reviews belong on
a.s.s.d., rather than on a.s.s. I didn't see the message until someone
else called it to my attention, because the person who made the
suggestion had posted it on a.s.s.d., which is where discussion
logically belongs. I read a.s.s.d. at least twice a week, but since
maybe someone was leaving messages for me, I decided to examine it more
closely.
Here's what I found. Right there between "Real teens!" and "Want it
HARD? Want it WILD? Try it the Dutch way..." was an article entitled
"Reviewing Celeste." Between "You can Have mE tonight for $1500" and
"Steve Young Loves Dominationx" was "Re: Reviewing Celeste." And there
between "Get back at your X - send nude pics" and "nude or lingere pics
of your x-girlfriend or x-wife" was another of the same Celestial title.
These postings were defending me from the unknown assailant, whose post
I had missed, probably lost among similar gems. Perhaps my detractor
had posted under the heading "Nude contortionist," which fell between
"1-800-909-5878 Blowjob experts & hard anal action" and "Horny whory hot
asses wet and ready for you now." Or maybe he was referring to me as
the "UNTOUCHABLE PUSSY" - I've been called that before; as a matter of
fact, I understand I used to be cited in exactly those terms on the wall
of a stall in the men's restroom in the library of a major American
university. Or maybe his essay was (inaccurately) illustrated in "Just
18, blonde, perfect 34 b's...see them?" Or perhaps he stated that I was
full of shit with a Seussian allusion in "The scat in the hat."
Indeed, 'twas a veritable renaissance of DISCUSSION on
alt.sex.stories.d., which is normally devoted to more esoteric matters.
Can you believe it? Of the 314 entries I found on a.s.s.d. that day,
the three that were about me were the only ones that actually DISCUSSED
alt.sex.stories! Actually, since I use AOL, that 314 has a margin of
error of plus or minus 300, and it's possible AOL accidentally deleted
all the more appropriate messages. I think for my next contest I'll ask
people to write stories about a person with a name like Steve Case who
runs a major Internet service and screws people literally as well as
metaphorically.
I eventually went to Dejanews and entered "alt.sex.stories.d Celeste",
and I found the article from which my defenders were protecting me.
Actually, it was a thoughtful, well-written message that stated that my
reviews were actually critiques. The author felt that I should just
review stories and not give my own thoughts and opinions. He felt I let
my biases show, and he suggested that in my reviews I be more careful
about getting off the track. That's a reasonable point, I guess; but my
reviews would get awful boring if I did nothing but write summaries of
stories. In fact, that sounds like work; and I'm pretty sure I would
get so bored that I would lose interest and stop doing it. Since a very
large number of people enjoy these reviews the way I write them and
since the people who don't like them have a simple way to solve their
problem, I suppose I'll keep on infusing my personality into my reviews.
I do object to the accusation that I am less than objective. I think I
go out of my way to be fair. I DO sometimes give high ratings to
stories that depict sexual activities that I find to be unpleasant,
unethical, and even repulsive - IF I believe the stories are well
written. When I state my personal preferences and beliefs, I try to
acknowledge my biases. This up-front approach has the advantage of
making it easy to (1) recognize and discuss my insights and values if
anyone wants to do so and (2) ignore my opinions if one finds them
oppressive.
Sex slavery offers an example of an area in which I am accused of bias.
Saying that I am biased is an oversimplification. I personally think
that most people in real life are exhibiting personality dysfunctions if
they turn their personalities over to someone else and accept
degradation from that "master." In a recent review I said that I did
not see the difference between this kind of behavior and that of the
people who joined the suicide cult in San Diego. What I clearly meant
by this criticism was that if there IS a difference, the authors of
stories about sex slavery should write their stories in such a way that
I can understand this difference. I think this is an intelligent
comment - not a bias; and I think such comments belong in good reviews.
Actually, I have given straight 10's to eight stories that know of that
involve sex slavery: "Recommendation," "Storm," and "Society" by
Deirdre, "Chosen" and "Deck" by Tom Bombadil, "Tonya Harding, Slave-
Girl" by Your Friendly Author, "Birthday Present" by OddManOut, and "Box
Office" by CobaltJade. I admit that I give many more straight 10's to
romantic stories - partly because I read more stories of that type and
because the authors have an easy job making me enjoy them - but also
partly, I think, because the authors of romantic stories tend to build a
better rationale to support the perception that their stories are
realistic. However, if you think I am swayed by a Pollyanna outlook on
life, you can easily take that factor into consideration when reading my
reviews.
Is it difficult to get a good rating from me for a sex slavery, bdsm, or
rape story? Yes, it is. But that's not necessarily because I'm biased;
it may be because the authors of those stories often write about a form
of sex abuse that they unrealistically choose to label as attractive to
normal people. The degree to which a story comes across as realistic is
obviously a relevant factor in evaluating its quality. I often point
out that a story about sex slavery, bdsm, or rape might be more
enjoyable to people who are already convinced that these are pleasant
activities and who simply want to see the rituals repeated in a new
setting. I think that's a fair way to deal with these stories, and I
try to apply similar standards with other stories that come across to me
as unrealistic because the behavior depicted in them would almost
certainly be destructive to the people involved.
Fourth Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
stories for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Straight Sex" by Mike Hunt (multiple levels of sex) 10, 10, 10
"I Don't Think That I Have Any Imagination Left" by C. Herridge
(creative storytelling) 10, 10, 10
"Have you ever committed incest? #22" by Rank Amateur
(incest) 2, 2, 2
"When the Angel Smiles" by Hawk Richards (nostalgic sex) 7, 6, 8
"April's First" by Uther Pendragon (sexy memories & romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Moving Day" by Dulcinea (work break) 10, 8, 8
* "Foreplay" by Uther Pendragon (romance & playful sex)
10, 10, 10
* "Forthright" by Uther Pendragon (romance & playful sex)
10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"Straight Sex" by Mike Hunt (M1KE HUNT@aol.com). Have you ever been
faced with the problem of deciding who does what to whom or who goes
first during a sexual escapade? This story offers a creative strategy
for making those decisions. It's called "Cocks and Cunts," and it can
help decide who gets on top, or who eats whom first, or things like
that. One person calls, "One - two - three, FUCK!" Both throw their
hands out in front of themselves. A hand with the middle finger extended
in the universally understood sign of "fuck you" stands for a cock. A
middle finger and thumb joined in a circle. is a cunt. If you get one
of each, that's a perfect fuck, and the caller wins. If you get two of
a kind, the non-caller wins. As in American football, the winner gets
to decide such things as who will receive in the first half. In other
words, this serves the same purpose as a coin toss, but sometimes naked
people don't have coins to toss.
What's interesting about this story is that its title, "Straight Sex,"
really does describe the story accurately, but the story includes gang
sex, anal sex, teen sex, and multiple overlays of simultaneous sexual
acts. Imagine that. The author uses the story within a story within a
story approach. That is, the narrator is telling about his wife who is
making love to him while she is also telling about the first time she
had sex with a guy who showed her movies about people having sex.
Actually, I think I omitted one more within-a-story in that previous
sentence. Anyway, this technique is called nesting. Try it sometime;
you'll like it!
Back to the story - the guy who's watching the film with June has a cock
that's about as big as the one on the boss who's reaming his secretary
in the movie, and the narrator who is listening to his wife has one
that's even better if not actually bigger, and he's gradually shifting
from stimulating her clit with it to inserting it for a night deposit.
This is really getting confusing: since I'm telling you this story,
we're now into a fourth level of nesting. Under normal circumstances I
would have had several orgasms by now. This would be even more complex
if I told you what I was doing or planning to do and you undertook an
activity of your own while someone was nuzzling between your legs while
you tried to make sense of this review and/or of this story.
Now imagine this: June is watching Justin while she's giving him head
and thinking about Tim (probably fifteen years ago), while Tim is
receiving head and watching June and the boss fucking the secretary on
the television screen. Meanwhile (at the time the story is being
written, theoretically about 48 hours before I started writing this
review), Mike is spooned up against June's backside and has been doing
interesting things to her and has just nudged his cock into her vagina,
while he has been listening to this story. June, of course, has been
telling this story, while receiving the amorous advances of her
adventurous admirer. Meanwhile (at the time I am writing this review),
I am reading about all these activities and trying to report them to you
as objectively as possible while I'm imagining how my husband and I did
something similar to Justin and June about 20 years ago and similar to
Mike and June last Tuesday, a week ago Thursday, and on several other
occasions; and I'm getting some good ideas for what might happen later
this evening. Finally, YOU read this story, and you learn about Justin
and June 15 years ago, the boss and the secretary on television, Mike
and June at the time Mike wrote the story, and me and my husband 20
years ago, a week ago, ten days ago, and later this evening. I don't
know how you can stand this without cumming in your pants or taking a
break to jerk off!
To make it even worse, theses are all stories, and so you don't know
what's real and what's not real. But according to Plato, ideas are more
real than what is real anyway, and so this is one of the most really
real stories - or at least really real review of a story - you have ever
experienced. Really! Everything else is like a shadow on the wall of a
cave. If you don't understand this, please refer to "I Learn to Think"
by Estragon, which was reviewed earlier in the previous issue of
Celestial Reviews (CR 175).
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the effort.
Anyway, her cunt was as wet as a car wash sponge on Sunday, I have no
idea to whom that sentence refers. It could be any of about five
people. Or all of them. Then Mike tells June HIS story.
Ratings "Straight Sex"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"I Don't Think That I Have Any Imagination Left" by C. Herridge (A+
Story). Although it doesn't include much actual, graphic sex, this is a
highly creative story. It's about a one-act, two-actor play about a
woman who is writing a short story. While she writes, an Image appears
to act out the amorous activities that she imagines will be in her
story; and as her plans for the story change, the Image frantically
scrambles to catch up with her thoughts.
It's hard to describe. Take a look at this story yourself. It's a good
one.
Ratings "I Don't Think That I Have Any Imagination Left"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Have you ever committed incest? #22" by Rank Amateur
(rankamatr@aol.com). This story purports to be an issue of The
Thoroughly Disreputable Incest Digest. I don't know whether its entries
were actually submitted by lots of different people or whether any of
this stuff is as true as it professes to be; but I figure if a guy
publicly endorses incest, why would we doubt his word about anything
else?
Which reminds me: One day this girl asked her father, "Dad, can I go out
to a party tonight?" Dad replied, "Only if you suck my dick first." The
daughter answered, "But Dad, I'm your daughter!" Dad said, "Sorry;
suck or you can't go out." So the daughter said, "OK, I really want to
go; so I'll pretend you're my boyfriend." She started to suck and then
spat out in disgust and said, "Daddy, it tastes like shit!" Dad replied,
"Oh! That's because your brother wanted the car earlier!"
Anyway, the first entry is from Neville, the eldest of 11 children whose
mum "had {been} with a variety of diffient men." As you may have
suspected, my spellcheck balked at "diffient." It suggested
"diffident," which seemed to make sense. Neville is not very literate;
in fact, I think he's British, because he wanks off, has sex with his
mum, and has a penis that is out of proportion to the rest of his body.
So we have three "stories" from Neville, all of them illiterate and
offering nothing beyond the notion that it's really great to live in a
family of really diffident people who like to fuck with one another. I
suspect that the stories are genuinely submissions from readers, because
the entries from Neville are distinctly more illiterate than the message
written by Rank Amateur himself. In his entry, Rank objects to attempts
by AOL and others to censor his "journal." I can't understand why
anyone would want to censor this. My own opinion is that this sort of
writing might be one of the most effective deterrents to the practice of
incest. I don't foresee a lot of kids reading this and wanting to grow
up to be just like Neville.
Ratings "Have you ever committed incest?"
Athena (technical quality): 2
Venus (plot & character): 2
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
"When The Angel Smiles" by Hawk Richards (redb112@ix.netcom.com).
Charlie is a decrepit old man who seems to be on his way home to die.
He meets a young woman who gives him a hand-job on the plane, and then
she stays overnight at his hotel and makes tender love to him. The next
part of the story consists mostly of flashbacks to Charlie's earlier
love life. I suppose the angel in the title refers to young girls who
have appeared to be angelic at various times like these in Charlie's
life. There's some good erotic material here, but it needs to be more
logically integrated. We have two chapters, but I suspect that the
author originally intended to write several more.
The story would benefit from a careful proofreading. It contains
numerous distracting errors that could easily be eliminated (such as
inappropriate change of tenses, an accidental change of the
protagonist's name from Charlie to Sam, and run-on sentences).
Ratings "When The Angel Smiles"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"April's First" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). I originally had
trouble finding Part 2 to this story; and I eventually went ahead and
posted my review of parts 1 and 3. I concluded that there was no Part
2; it was an April Fool's joke. Get it? The title is April's First,
and the story was posted on April 1, so....
Anyway, the real action takes place in Part 2, which didn't exist when I
posted my original review. The author invited others to submit their
versions of Part 2. The only author I know of who accepted this
invitation was Plainman, whose "Excluded Middle" did a superb job of
integrating Plainman's own style and his Princess story line into the
framework set up by Pendragon. Now Pendragon has posted his version of
the missing Part 2, and the result is another really good story.
The story actually describes two very interesting and healthy
relationships in the life of a 16-year-old girl: her romantic
relationship with her boyfriend and her sibling relationship with her
older sister. Both relationships are well developed, and both help make
this a sexy story.
One of the best things about this story is its attention to minor
details. For example, when April agrees to make love to Brian for the
first time, he returns to his room that night and fantasizes about the
big event. Suddenly he realizes that his room is a mess and that he
doesn't want April to see it that way, and so he straightens it up. The
author attends to details like this in such a way that they contribute
to instead of detracting from the overall focus on the first-time
experience between the two young lovers.
The story does contain some awkward grammatical structures; but this
author always revises, and I have a feeling they'll be gone in future
postings of this story. For example, April "...wanted this waiting to
end -- if even in pain." Those last four words are awkward; and several
instances like this really do disrupt the reader's train of thought.
Fewer readers will be distracted (as I was) when Brian's cock peeked
discretely at April, but the distinction between discreet and discrete
is worth preserving. The story is so good that I (like most other
readers) was willing to ignore these minor flaws, but why not write a
perfect story?
Here's a further note with regard to style. Brian "could tell that she
was nervous and that her acceptance was more mental than physical." Is
that REALLY what the author meant to say? It seems to me that April's
hesitation is largely mental, which is the opposite of what the sentence
says. I KNOW what the author means (I think), but when I look closely,
the story sometimes doesn't help me as much as it should.
My students have learned that it's often a good sign when I give them a
paper back with red ink all over it. When they look closely, they
discover that the comments are not really about mistakes - they are
suggestions for making the paper perfect. The students often make the
corrections and submit the paper and win a state competition or
something like that. Applied to this story, this means that although
this story won't get straight 10's right now, by the time I make my
selections for the Top Stories of 1997, this is likely to be in the Top
10. The only problem with the story is that in this middle part the
author has focused so heavily on getting the emotions and details right
that he has let the language stand just slightly in the way of
expressing this excellent story as accurately and convincingly as
possible.
If you've read none of the April stories, I suggest that you start by
reading the entire current (or the eventually revised) version of
Pendragon's "April's First" - all three parts. Then mentally obliterate
Pendragon's Part 2 from your mind and read Plainman's version.
Remember: details will diverge, because Plainman did not see Pendragon's
Part 2 before he wrote his version, and the authors take completely
different perspectives.
Ratings for "April's First"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Moving Day" by Dulcinea (ImDulcinea@aol.com). It's moving day, and is
it ever hot! So hot that sweaty bodies don't even feel good meshed
together. Except in the shower, where hot tongues and cold water blend
nicely. At first this seems nice - even when they return to the
mattress in the bedroom. But damn! They got their clothes wet in the
shower, and the dry ones are in the car. They'll just have to spend two
hours or so naked together until their clothes dry off.
Ratings for "Moving Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Foreplay" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Bob and Jeanette
are newlyweds. They had refrained from sex with each other until after
marriage. Bob is willing to remain committed to just this one wonderful
woman for his whole life, but sex is very important to him; and he knows
that Jeanette does not share his enthusiasm. Bob has suggested one night
a week for experiments, or "games." Jeanette has agreed on the
condition that she can choose half the games. Bob has agreed; and her
first suggestion was the game called "missionary position." Hence Bob's
concern about his sexual future.
Therefore, for his own first game Bob sets out to make sex so wonderful
for his wife that she will crave sex even more than he does. This story
describes a night of lovemaking when he gives her the royal treatment.
The sex is very tender and passionate, and the descriptions are vivid.
The author shifts perspectives to convey the conflicting or
complementary emotions of both people.
This is a revision of an initial version of this story. I criticized
the prose in the original story as too workmanlike. I said I would have
liked to have seen some more metaphors or poetic insights. The revised
version is a marvelous improvement; it exudes exuberance that simply was
not present in the earlier version. I would like to think that my
suggestions prompted this improvement; but more likely the author got
lucky or got religion and the new worldview led to the improvements.
This was a very good story, and I sincerely enjoyed the description of
"conventional" sex from a highly romantic perspective. A lot of readers
will recognize themselves in this story (if they are lucky), and a lot
of others will wish they had had a sexual tutor similar to this husband.
Ratings for "Foreplay"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Forthright" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Maybe this has
been obvious to the rest of you all along; but I just recently realized
that all of these stories by this author that begin with "For..." are
about a married couple named Bob and Jeanette Brennan. I have been
evaluating them as isolated stories - which is OK, I suppose, since the
author has been posting them as isolated stories. However, as I look
back over them, it becomes obvious to me that the whole is better than
the sum of the parts. That is, the stories are more enjoyable if you
read them in the context of one another.
In this one Bob and Jeanette are experimenting with new sexual
positions. While doing so, they playfully review some of their former
escapades. I love this kind of banter! I also love this kind of
playfulness among old, married people.
By the way, if you really want to do it standing up, try it against the
refrigerator. But remove the magnets first, unless you want to be
disturbed by falling notes or want to explain why the colors have run
together in the kindergarten pictures drawn by your children.
Ratings for "Forthright"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10