Celestial Reviews 97 - July 6, 1996
Note: Today is the First Anniversary of these Celestial Reviews. That
first issue consisted of 1636 words, and I reviewed these stories:
"Bank" by Deirdre (9)
"Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas (10)
"Art Museum" by Trane and Wildfire Paradise (6.5)
"Amanda" by Grimalkin (2)
"Surprise" by Damya (5)
"AdventureLand" by Sue (8)
The ratings are based on my old system (10 = highest and 1 = lowest).
One of those stories (“Mother and Son”) made my Top 100 List for 1995.
Four of these authors (Deirdre, Ann Douglas, Damya, and Sue) have
continued to submit stories and have continued to post new stories and
have joined my personal list of favorite erotic writers.
When I started, I didn’t know what I was getting into. In the course
of this first year, I have read and reviewed approximately 900 stories.
I have enjoyed most of them; and I have found even more enjoyment in
writing my reviews and getting feedback to the reviews from both
readers and authors.
At the present time I post two issues a week, each consisting of about
3000 words; and I currently review about 20 stories a week. Instead of
getting my stories from a blind draw off a.s.s., I now get most of my
stories through e-mail from the authors or by looking for specific
stories in the postings. I also post discussions of grammar, monthly
Top 15 lists, and occasional lists of authors and web sites; and I have
founded a loose system of proofreading whose services numerous authors
request. I find it refreshing that so many of the authors who made my
Top 100 list last year seemed to be genuinely honored (as well they
should) by this distinction.
It is my opinion that although there certainly still is lots of garbage
in the postings, the quality of stories on a.s.s. has improved
dramatically since I first started writing these reviews. I realize my
perception is influenced by the fact that I tend to read stories from
better authors and simply don’t have time to read junk anymore; and I
also realize that the high quality of the stories is the result of
serious effort by the authors themselves. However, I would also like
to think that the improvement is at least partly the result of the
higher standards I have helped set.
Although I do a lot of work myself, I also get help from people that
don’t get a lot of credit - usually because they don’t seem to want
any. To a large extent what I have been able to do is to coordinate
the activity of a community of readers and writers; and this is a very
interesting community to be a part of. It’s an interesting community.
People come and go; and nobody really knows the true identity of anyone
else. Yet there is a caliber of thought here that I have not found in
many other communities of which I have been a part.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the authors, the
proofreaders, the people who have worked to set up web sites and to
distribute stories, and the many people who have written to me and/or
to one another to keep this community going. I am looking forward to
another good year.
Second Note: Good news for Michael K. Smith fans! We have arranged to
repost seventeen stories by that writer, starting with “Getting It
Right” and “The Dare” today. I’ll post a new review every Saturday,
and the story should appear in a.s.s. at about the same time. You may
want to keep your eyes open for these stories.
- Celeste
“Forestalling” by Uther Pendragon (romance) 10, 9.5, 10.
“Father Knows Best: The Midnight Ride” by Uncle Mike
(TV sitcom parody) 10, 6, 2
“Family Affair” by Uncle Mike (TV sitcom parody) 10, 6, 4
“Get Smart: Fok the Goddess” by Shelby Bush (TV sitcom
parody) 10, 10, 10
“The Adventures of Lori” by RC (hedonistic mind control)
9, 9, 10
“Attraction” by Mary Ann Mohanraj (bdsm) 10, 10, 9.5
“Getting It Right” by Michael K. Smith (young romance)
10, 10, 10
“The Minister and the Little Girl” by Daphne (holy sex)
8, 7, 6
“Backrub, Assrub, Clitrub, Cockrub” by Backrub &
Tammy Ng (romance) 10, 9, 10
*"Bird Watchers" by Anonymous (hot romance) 10, 10, 10
“Forestalling” by Uther Pendragon (an569889@anon.penet.fi). This story
is written without a frame of reference. It’s as if the reader is
listening to what a couple is saying through a hidden microphone and
has to guess at what they are doing. It’s an interesting approach, and
the author carries it off effectively.
As I understand it, the man and woman have been using condoms during
lovemaking, which they have found to be necessary but less than
satisfactory. Today the woman has seen her gynecologist and is
equipped with a diaphragm and spermicide, and this evening they will
make love for the first time without a latex intermediary. The banter
between the lovers is excellent; and although the actual sexual
activity is not described in the exhaustive detail that we see in some
other stories, we know that the experience has been quite satisfying.
Ratings for “Forestalling”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Father Knows Best: The Midnight Ride” by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Jim Anderson gets a late-night phone
call from his daughter Betty, asking him to come and pick her up at the
Thompsons’ house, where she was supposed to stay over after baby-
sitting. When he reaches her, Betty explains that Mr. and Mrs.
Thompson had tried to molest her. Jim drives his Princess to a quiet
place, explains that what had happened was her fault, and proceeds to
fuck her himself. This doesn’t bother her; in fact, she enjoys it,
because Father Knows Best! Gimme a break!
The first two stories I reviewed by Uncle Mike I liked better than this
one. This is supposed to be a parody of the old “Father Knows Best”
sitcom; but the characters are so far out of their ordinary TV roles
that it just didn’t come off to me as a parody. If you want a simple
incest story masquerading as a parody with a moral to the story, you
may enjoy this one. I didn’t.
Ratings for “The Midnight Ride”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
“Family Affair” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). When
evaluating a parody of “Family Affair,” it is important to keep in mind
that that story itself was an unintentional parody of American life.
Uncle Bill was played by the insipid Brian Keith, a man completely
devoid of enthusiasm and hardly capable of sustaining an erection, much
less of having an orgasm. Occasionally he would have a date with a
woman even more insipid than himself; but they would inevitably break
up because of Uncle Bill’s devotion to the children, whose names were
Buffie and Jodie. Presented with names like that, I could never
remember which was the boy and which was the girl. The issue was
further confused by the fact that the girl was a tomboy and the boy a
sissy. Even more confusing was the fact that the older sister - the
very embodiment of the word insipid - was named Cissy. The three
children were obviously unusual, but it was never clear to me whether
the trauma that caused their peculiarity was the sudden demise of their
parents or the fact that they had to live with Uncle Bill.
How this show survived without a flying nun or two I’ll never
understand. Each episode would present new problems, which Uncle Bill
would solve from his easy chair without moving his lips; and then the
ebullient Mr. French would correct all the mistakes Uncle Bill made.
Mr. French did not solve these problems through his own wisdom, but
rather by consulting with the ubiquitous nannies whose influence is so
conspicuous among American children and who sit in their places of
honor each day except Sunday on the benches of Central Park.
So in this story Cissy goes to her first formal dance; her boyfriend
gets drunk and obnoxious; Cissy comes home feeling more insipid than
usual; and Uncle Bill comforts her, dances with her, and then fucks her
brains out. This story is clearly written, and the author has all the
names right, but a plot like this is hard for me to imagine. Readers
can interpret this as either (a) an actual romance about a
dysfunctional guy who boinks the teenager entrusted to his care (in
which case it’s a pretty lame story), or as (b) a satire that lacks
bite.
Ratings for “Family Affair”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
“Get Smart: Fok the Goddess” by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com). This
is a repost of an episode from the Porno TV series. The story takes
place in 1966, during the early days of the “Get Smart” spy spoof
series, when Max and 99 were not yet married - indeed, when they were
copulating only in the minds of hormonally imbalanced teenagers who
watched the show.
In this episode 99 and Max are traveling undercover as a married
couple. {Note the unusual items in that sentence. Agent 99 has no
name. Undercover has no “s.” And they are two unmarried people posing
as a married couple. Holy cumshot - ooops! That would be a Batman
parody.} They are accompanied by their faithful robot Hymie.
The plot is somewhat confusing and inane - but only because it’s a
parody of a show with confusing and inane plots. Max and 99 engage in
some recreational sex on and off the airplane, but the main thrust <g>
is fokking the goddess. This ritual entails using the mail sex organ
as a sort of a key to insert into a statue of an Indian goddess. This
insertion will enable the captive agents to open the cubicle door and
escape - unless, of course, the guillotine inside the goddess’s vagina
snaps shut and shortens Ole Nick before it is removed. The solution
might be for Hymie to fok the goddess, but Hymie is not equipped with a
dipstick. However, the intrepid agents improvise by attaching 99’s
hefty dildo to Hymie’s crotch, and the robot foks the goddess, losing a
few easily replaceable inches but also short-circuiting the torture
chamber’s electronic defenses just before Sigfried was going to fuck 99
and enabling them to escape with the vial of aphrodisiac.... Would you
believe....?
One point of English usage - The correct spelling is mons veneris, not
mons venerus. I’m sure the author simply assumed that venerus was an
adjective; but he should have known better, since mons is obviously
feminine and would require venera. Veneris is actually the genitive
case of Venus, the goddess of love. I don’t know about you, but I just
hate to see this decline in respect for the Latin language. It’s
getting to where a Latin lover is more likely to be slut from Rio than
a member of the Junior Classical League! My favorite chariot sticker
is “Latin Teachers Are Cunning Linguists.”
It is instructive to compare this parody to “Family Affair,” which I
reviewed previously in this issue. The present author shows an acute
awareness of the main features of the “Get Smart” series, and he
devotes time and effort to integrating sex into an extremely probable
story line - assuming, of course, that people could do those X-rated
things on family television. “Family Affair,” on the other hand
appeared to be a strained effort at parody. It seemed to me that the
author had the barest knowledge of that series and just wrote a sex
story that used the same characters. This is not to say that all of
Uncle Mike’s parodies are bad (“The Flying Nun” was great!) or that all
of Shelby Bush’s are great. However, I have been impressed by Shelby’s
parodies (He also did “Andy Griffith” and “Dorothy Does Oz.”). I have
contacted him, and he has agreed to repost one of his Porno TV stories
each week for the next two months. Watch for my reviews and the
stories.
Ratings for “Get Smart: Fok the Goddess”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Adventures of Lori” by RC (74734.271@CompuServe.COM). Donna and her
three attractive female friends gather every Friday at a bar. They
aren’t interested in getting picked up by the bozos that eye them; and
so when guys hit on them, they cleverly say “No, thank you” and quickly
hug and kiss the woman next to them. Inaccurately concluding that they
are dealing with a bunch of dykes, the guys usually beat a hasty
retreat. The flaw in this approach is that one day after they chase
away an annoying guy, they get hit on by an attractive woman.
That woman is Lori, who quickly teaches the women the art of loving
other women. What will they tell their husbands? Why tell them
anything? After all, Friday is the night the girls go out and have some
fun. From now on, it will just be more fun; that's all.
Lori is an apostle of the gospel of both sisterly and brotherly love -
a veritable missionary of hedonism. Moral issues aside, hedonism makes
sense. Any sensible and sensual woman who enjoys getting kissed by a
guy with chapped lips and a five o’clock shadow who rushes through the
procedure would also enjoy a gentle kiss from soft lips connected to
tender skin that belong to someone who will take her time and care
about the partner’s feelings. I’ve done the long argument before;
almost all woman COULD enjoy sex with another woman. {The same thing
is true about men, but they get their back up whenever I say so, and
therefore we’ll pretend that this sentence does not exist.} There may
be plenty of good reasons to reject hedonism, but it makes no sense to
argue that pleasure is not pleasant. Likewise, there are plenty of good
reasons to decline to engage in sex with another woman; but the fact
that a woman “is” a heterosexual is not one of them.
Last night I was awakened around 4:00 a.m. by the sensuous sensation of
a pair of hands rubbing a warm lotion into my back. I sighed and lay
on my stomach while those hands caressed my entire body for God only
knows how long. Eventually the hands were joined by a pair of lips
that kissed the same places the hands had covered. I was in heaven.
When the lips and tongue started to rim my asshole, I started to cum;
and about five minutes later my husband turned me over and joined his
orgasm to mine in a wonderful climax.
I have this thing for Tom Cruise. Would I have ENJOYED last night any
less if that had been Tom instead of my husband doing that virtuoso
performance? Of course not - except that I have had moral scruples.
For that matter, it could have been Brian Keith (see previous review of
“A Family Affair”); and in the improbable event that he had done a job
like that, I would have been equally ecstatic. And as I gaze at
Rebecca Romijn staring down at me from my husband’s Sports Illustrated
calendar, I want to assure you that it would be really enjoyable to let
her do the massaging, kissing, and licking and that I would be happy to
substitute fifteen minutes in the 69 position for the cock that brought
me to climax. This is not a hard problem!
I WON’T replace my husband with Tom or Brian or Rebecca, because I have
made other choices in my life that conflict with making love or
engaging in foreplay with them. What I have referred to as “moral
scruples” are actually ethical principles or practical choices, and
they are an important part of my life and personality. In the unlikely
event that Tom or Rebecca ever proffer the offer, I’ll give them a
polite “No, thank you.” If they want to leave their business card or e-
mail address, that would be fine, because I might someday discover that
I’m wrong about this monogamy thing after all. If Mr. Keith offers,
I’ll tell him to fuck himself or to fantasize about a nanny. If Miss
August offers, I’ll politely decline, because she looks way too much
like me and I need a little contrast in my sex life.
I think women who normally do it with other women, with men, with
neither, or with both will enjoy this story. And guys will too, if
they have any imagination and sensitivity. I don’t care what you
“are”; just imagine the sexual titillation that would accompany
approaching four hot women who had never touched another woman sexually
before and enticing them into a mini-orgy. Don’t worry about the real-
life probability that they will all actually agree to go along with the
proposal and all like one another; just buy into the story line and let
the juices flow.
At first I thought the author overdid her emphasis on hypnosis; that
technique simply doesn’t work quite the way Lori makes it work in this
story. But if we approach the story as partly science fiction, this
“hypnosis” offers an interesting premise for a story. Personally, I
agree with whoever it was who said “absolute power corrupts
absolutely”; and I think a person who could control other people’s
minds as completely and easily as Lori does would become a bit of an
asshole. I think real life is much more interesting - where we have to
negotiate and seduce and compromise in order to have a happy sex life.
At least that’s what Dr. Ruth said to either Geraldo Rivera or Larry
King or somebody else on late night television one day last year.
However, Lori is a benign hypnotist; like Superman before her, she uses
her powers only for the good of everyone she knows and loves.
The story gets more complex - and the complexities make the plot more
interesting. I enjoyed this story very much, but there’s a serious
problem that I would like to mention. I have not discussed this with
RC, but I’m almost certain that she wrote this story as a series of
separate chapters, which she posted as soon as each was finished. She
probably had a good idea where the plot was going at the beginning, but
then she improvised as she went along. RC is not alone in this
approach. A very large number of authors of the longer stories do
this. It appears that some of these authors have no idea how the story
will end when they start writing and psoting - indeed, some of them
don’t even know IF the story will end.
The problem is that good ideas that occur later in the story
necessarily influence earlier chapters - which have already been
published. Since these earlier chapters have already been “finished”
and posted, there is no need (or perceived possibility) to edit or
revise them. So what happens is that when the author gets a good idea
later in the chapter and this idea requires a logical set-up earlier in
the story, the author cannot make the change (which might be extremely
important) and must instead simply use patch-up techniques. The result
is that we have a lengthy series of pretty good story parts that are
tied together but will never become as good as they could have become
if the author would have had the opportunity to do it right.
The alternative is to sit down and finish the whole story before
publishing it. I have friends who have written successful novels, and
in some cases I have given them suggestions. All of these people have
gone back to revise earlier chapters in response to criticisms and
suggestions that could not possibly have occurred until the critic saw
the later chapters. I am certain that most good authors follow a
similar pattern of writing and revision. The main problem with this
method is that the author often wants to rush the story into print - if
she’s excited about it and the readers want to see it, why not post it
right away?
Logically, alt.sex.stories should enable authors like RC to get the
best of both worlds. Authors can rush their chapters into print and
immediately share their stories with their readers. But then when they
are finished, they should have the leisure (and in some cases, the
self-respect) to revise the story before reposting it.
I don’t mean to pick on RC. Hers is as good as most and better than
many serial stories. But these stories are like a soap opera rather
than a good movie. Soaps are fine - I watch DOOL and am impatient with
people who look down on soap operas; but a good movie can be even
better. If RC follows the pattern of most a.s.s serial authors, now
that she’s finished the whole series of 20 episodes, she’s going to
simply repost them from time to time. I don’t begrudge her the
opportunity to drop this project, to rejoice in its success, and to go
on to something else. But it would be nice if sometime within the next
two years she would come back to the story and revise it and make it
into a really good, coherent story. A large number of writers who post
serial stories could benefit from this same advice.
I might add that there are a few authors on alt.sex.stories who do just
what I am suggesting. The Observer has made major revisions in some of
his stories, and I suspect that he will continue to do so. Backrub and
Deidre Ng have also revised stories after posting them; and the result
has been even better versions of initially good stories.
Ratings for “Adventures of Lori”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Attraction” by Mary Ann Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu).
Attraction is composed of desire and danger. This theory is not unique
to sexual behavior. In my education classes at the University I
learned that people are motivated to work hardest when they are
uncertain that they will achieve their goal. In other words, my
students won’t work hard if they think what I’m teaching is absurdly
easy or absurdly difficult. Virtus stat in medio. Attraction is
composed of desire and danger. That’s why one of the ladies in this
story is willing to surrender herself completely to a guy with a whip.
It’s also why the other lady feels really ambivalent about her friend’s
relationship.
I don’t have any friends that I know of who wear a collar around their
neck to symbolize that they are somebody’s sex slave. Tattoos, yes;
but collars, no. Not even among the students in my classes do I see
this symbol of sexual subservience; but that’s probably because the
assistant principal in charge of discipline has banned them along with
various NBA jackets and wearing baseball hats backwards as gang signs.
Some poor girl is probably getting a double beating from her Master
because this misguided bastard won’t let her wear her collar because he
thinks it’s a gang symbol!
My closest friend with anything like a slave collar was a nun I knew
fifteen years ago. She wore a medieval costume to show that she loved
God. She even talked about being a slave of the Virgin Mary; but now
she says it was that kind of crap that drove her out of the convent.
She stopped wearing the costume, and now she shows that she loves God
by having a great sex life with the ex-priest she’s married to
(actually, HE did wear a symbolic collar - and for a reason strangely
parallel to the sex slave) and by raising three kids that they have
adopted besides the two of their own. Attraction is composed of desire
and danger. I apologize if this paragraph offended any of the many
nuns or Amish people who follow this newsgroup.
This well-written story does an excellent job of describing feelings
similar to my own ambivalence about bdsm relationships.
Ratings for “Attraction”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
“The Minister and the Little Girl” by Daphne (nobody@REPLAY.COM). The
Minister is giving the 12-year-old girl private instructions in
religious devotion. Over a period of several weeks he gets her into a
trance and waves his Scepter over her, gradually searching for the
place where The Lord Jesus can enter her body. Surprise! Jesus is
going to enter through her Forbidden Place! I wonder how he’ll get
there. Who will serve as His Vessel to transmit Jesus into the
Entrance to her Soul? Probably the guy who is attached to that
Scepter. Pretty soon she grows to love religion, and Jesus is able to
enter her Sacred Place almost at will. But after a few months she
discovers that she has a Curse in her Sacred Forbidden Place.
The confused little girl wanders visits a Library, where she learns
that what she has been doing with the Minister is technically called,
"Child Sexual Abuse," and is considered a no-no. Whatever. She doesn't
feel abused, but she realizes that her instincts have been correct all
along and that people wouldn't like it if they were caught. Anyway, to
make a long story short, the little girl catches on to what the
Minister is doing and puts an end to his Manipulations. She tells him
no more of this religion shit and that he has to use condoms when they
fuck. He meekly agrees; and they live happily ever after.
I get really pissed at “religious” people who use religion to exploit
others sexually, and so I looked forward to this as an interesting
satire. However, I missed the exact point of the author’s irony. It
might be my own personal background leaves me unfamiliar with the
events being satirized. Two similar attempts that I enjoyed more
thoroughly were “The Flying Nun” by Uncle Mike (reviewed in CR 96) and
“The Novice” by Wollstonecraft.
Ratings for “The Minister and the Little Girl”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Getting It Right (A Beginning)" by Michael K. Smith
(mksmith@taproot.win.net). Without ruining the plot for you, I can't
really tell you much about this story, except that it's a well-written,
realistic portrayal of adolescent romance. If you're looking for
something to turn you on real fast, this would be a bad choice; but if
you want a story that's likely to remind you of something from your own
adolescence, this may be a good one.
Ratings for “Getting It Right”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Backrub, Assrub, Clitrub, Cockrub” by Backrub & Tammy Ng
(BCKRUB@aol.com). This is a story of quiet passion between a man and a
woman after they return from a long motorcycle ride. As they shower
together and then wake up the next morning in each other’s arms, they
engage in the activities stated in the title. This is a story of
ordinary lovemaking described in extraordinary detail. Don’t let the
brevity of this review undersell this story. Although this is not a
fully developed plot, it’s very erotic material.
Ratings for “Backrub, Assrub, Clitrub, Cockrub”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
*"Bird Watchers" by Anonymous. This story was reposted as part of
the THC archive. I have seen it posted by other people at other times;
but this is the first time I have seen the author’s name correctly
cited. If anyone knows of anything else by this author, I’d like to
know about it. This is an exceptionally good story - my number 2 story
for January; and I urge you to look for it. It’s awkwardly labeled; so
be careful to get it all. My advice is to download everything from THC
that has “Bird Watching” or “Bird Watcher” anywhere in the title. I do
not have time to reread the story and write a new review; and so I am
reposting the old review here.
This story is about a man and a woman who accidentally view each other
in moments of private sexual arousal (i.e., masturbation). Even though
the man uses his binoculars to zoom in for detail, he doesn't consider
this to be an invasion of her privacy. {He differentiates between
being a Peeping Tom and voyeurism of opportunity.} In fact, as a
friendly gesture he sends her a gift: a pair of binoculars with a note
reading "from one bird lover to another." The voyeurism is itself very
sexy, and the direct sexual contact is even hotter. I strongly
recommend this story.
A problem with this posting is that I have no idea who the author is.
I would very much like to read more stories by this writer, but I have
no way to accomplish this. I find that a lot of people who repost
stories from their archives remove the names of the authors; and it's
hard to tell who really wrote them. This one bears a closer
resemblance to the Sue-Backrub-Ng school of authors than to the
Deirdre-Anderson or Victorian schools. I'm pretty sure it was not
written by either the Dirty Dawg, Shakespeare, or Francis Bacon. It's
really hot sex with good character development and twists of plot. The
author is especially adept at viewing the action from the perspectives
of different characters and using flashbacks to add excitement to
current situations. I know the year is just beginning, but this is a
good candidate for story of the year. So if someone knows who the real
author is, please let me know.
Ratings for “Bird Watchers”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10