Celestial Reviews 90 - June 12, 1996
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“Real Slow Smile” by Deidre Ng (watersports) 10, 9, 7
“Forever” by Uther Pendragon (romantic wedding night
9.5, 9, 10
“My Six Year Itch” by Maryanne X (one-night romance)
10, 10, 10
“Silent Intruder” by Annette (one-night ecstasy) 10, 10, 10
“Buckets of Cum” by Mark Aster (private orgy) 10, 10, 10
“Broken Rubber” by WebGypsy (date rape) 9, 9, 6
“Laura” by Steve Zodiac (wife watching) 5, 5, 1
“Real Slow Smile” by Deidre Ng (Deidreng@aol.com). I have occasionally
enjoyed taking a leak in the Great Outdoors. My enjoyment, I have
always assumed, was related to my sense of freedom and my feeling of
oneness with nature - and maybe breaking a taboo. Come to think of it,
there was also I time when I came home real horny and a bit inebriated
when my husband was out of town; and the masturbation and urination are
kind of blurred in my mind. On the other hand, I don’t think it would
be even remotely interesting to watch a bunch of guys lined up doing
their thing at the urinals, nor do I have any urge to be pissed on by
my husband. In fact, I like it a lot better when he washes before I
take his cock in my mouth.
Having said this, I should add that I find it refreshing to read
watersports stories about normal and/or sexy people. I think the main
difference between me and some of these people lies in a simple
difference in the timing of significant life events - like when we
first noticed it was neat to piss, how our parents reacted, and the
degree to which we differentiated early in our lives between sexual and
eliminative functions. I guess getting turned on by urination is
normal, and associating it with sex is probably something Pavlov could
explain. Getting sexually aroused by piss probably falls in the same
category as getting turned on by perfumes and other odors - only it’s a
lot cheaper.
This story was a shift for Deidre Ng, both in content and in style.
The story combines a couple of sequences at a party with a motorcycle-
cop fantasy; and the combination is well done. My relatively low
“Celeste” rating for this story is a reflection of my lack of interest
in the topic; I found myself reading this more as a clinician than as a
potential participant. People more interested in watersports would
possibly rate this a 10.
Ratings for “Real Slow Smile”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
“Forever” by Uther Pendragon (an569889@anon.penet.fi). This is the
story of a man and a woman getting to know each other on that rarest of
all events on a.s.s. - the wedding night between a husband and wife who
have not yet copulated. I went through this initiation rite myself.
This story describes how my husband and I expected our own wedding
night to be, but our actual experience was a lot funnier than this one.
I’d tell you about it; but you had to be there to really enjoy it.
This is a well-written, sentimental story by a new author. I hope he
writes many more stories. Any author named after the father of King
Arthur can’t be all bad. {Incidentally, it was Uther Pendragon - not
his son Arthur - who established the Round Table on Merlin's advice.
Uther later found his true heir (Arthur) through the ole sword-in-the-
stone test.}
Ratings for “Forever”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“My Six Year Itch” by Maryanne X (through Peter Principle at
an347524@anon.penet.fi). The narrator is a woman who has been married
for several years to an upwardly mobile young man who travels a lot.
She is a customer service representative, and she flirts with a
handsome Australian man at one of her training sessions. They make
passionate love and she never sees him again after that one night. The
activity that had become routine lovemaking with her husband was
passionate, lustful, wildly enjoyable sex with this near stranger. The
author does an excellent job of describing the ambivalence, passion,
and other emotions experienced by the narrator.
Ratings for “My Six Year Itch”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Silent Intruder” by Annette (an545004@anon.penet.fi). The young girl
is feeling dejected on the eve of her sixteenth birthday. She has
quarreled with her boyfriend, and the family is throwing a small party
to try to cheer her up. She’s in the pits of depression. But wait!
Her brother comes home from the air force with a friend who will stay
overnight. He’s a hunk, and her brother arranges for him to slip into
her room through the window for a night of ecstatic bliss.
The title has three meanings. The young man is a pilot of a stealth
aircraft - a Silent Intruder. He enters her room noiselessly; and even
though their sex is wildly enjoyable, they must be silent, since the
parents’ room is right next door. The final meaning you’ll have to
guess; but it has to do with those silent little critters that squirt
forth from the penis during intercourse - and supply a good reason to
take precautions against pregnancy before doing something like this.
In the United States air force pilots who do things like this become
responsible for child support and are subject to presecution for
statutory rape; and sixteen-year-old girls who get pregnant have about
a 90% chance of dropping out of school and living their life in
miserable poverty on public welfare. However, this story shows obvious
signs of British authorship, and I think the Brits would simply send
both the pilot and the girl to a penal colony in Australia, where they
would become pillars of the community in Alice Springs or some such
place. But it was a really good fantasy!
Practicality aside, this is a good story. The author does an
exceptional job of making the need for silence seem really sexy.
Ratings for “Silent Intruder”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Buckets of Cum” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). I suspect that this
story is a set-up. The author knows I have been critical of “Wannafuck”
and “Buckets of Cum” stories, and he wants to see if I’ll praise a
story with those words in the title. I’ll show him!
As you may recall, Pat has decided to get herself pregnant and Our Hero
has agreed to be the father. The story begins with Our Hero waking up
with a wet pussy tightly surrounding his cock, coming three times
before he himself shoots a load into her cunt. Then Madamoiselle has a
special request: "Would you mind if we stayed in bed today, and you
kept me full of sperm?" She’s serious. And there’s not even a
television in the bedroom with a remote control that will enable him to
watch Power Ranger reruns. Our Hero is going to have to spend the
whole goddam day in bed with this sensuous woman with huge, soft
breasts and a pussy that will occasionally suck his cock dry. Talk
about bad breaks! Oh - I forgot to mention that Pat also has a
marvelous ass.
According to my count, it was during the fourth attempt at sperm
implantation that Our Hero’s dick failed to rise out of its stand of
blissful relaxation, in spite of Pat’s kindly and persistent
ministrations. In other words, Russell the Wonder Muscle was dead in
the water. Not to worry. Exit Pat; enter Julie - whose lovely lips
and lively tongue bring Old Glory to full staff. Exit Julie; enter Pat
- and the deposit is happily entered where it will most profitably bear
fruit. Actually, I exaggerated for dramatic effect - Pat stayed in the
general vacinity to enjoy the fun.
On and on it goes. You’d think all this fucking would get boring, but
it doesn’t. The author always manages to come up with a new twist - so
to speak. I’m not absolutely certain, but I think they broke the world
record for orgasms by a single male/female human pair within a 24-hour
period - a record previously held by my husband and myself. If you
want to try for this record yourself, here is a set of guidelines: (1)
Have the guy abstain from sex for two days. They didn’t do this in the
story, and we didn’t do it on purpose; but this will help. (2)
Increase manual and oral stimulation of the ole power tool during later
activity. (3) Bring in one or more female friends to help Mr. Wiggly
arise to the occasion when his energy begins to wane. (4) Use
blindfolds and bondage as the situations demand. The preceding
guidelines will work most effectively if the two people are actually in
love and really hot for each other and employ sensible habits for
flirting and romance that sexy people normally apply. These guidelines
focus on keeping the guy’s love missile firing. My assumption (shared
by Pat) is that the woman will have little trouble banging away if
she’s really hot for a properly honed man.
Ratings for “Buckets of Cum”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Broken Rubber” by WebGypsy (WG@Metro.com). The Native American was
giving a tour of the reservation to tourists visting the casino
operated by his tribe. “Among our ancestors,” he told them, “infants
were often named after an animal or object that was important in their
parents’ lives. My grandfather was Screaming Eagle. My father was
Running Bear.” “What’s your name?” asked the tourist. “Broken
Rubber,” replied the guide. That’s an interesting anecdote, but it has
nothing to do with why the present story has this title.
The guy has been dating a prissy little bitch who won’t let him come
inside her. She is demonically possessed by the notion that she wants
to become pregnant only by the man she marries, and he has no intention
of marrying her. But he wants to feel his hot naked cock inside her
tight little pussy. She doesn’t drink; so getting her drunk is out of
the question. In addition, he’s afraid to force himself on her,
because she would probably scream rape. What’s a guy to do?
Answer: He comes up with an ingenious plan. Through careful scientific
experimentation he discovers that by the right combination of putting
the rubber in the microwave and in boiling water he can preserve the
outward appearance of the package while assuring that the prophylactic
will disintegrate during the early stages of intercourse. All goes
according to plan. His girlfriend realizes only too late that she has
been had. Naturally, he never sees her again after the successful
copulation.
Advice: (1) This probably wouldn’t work. (2) The girl could scream
rape as easily under these circumstances as under other circumstances.
But it’s an interesting idea. I suppose women who want to entrap
boyfriends into marriage could try the same technique; but that would
be another story.
Ratings for “Broken Rubber”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
“Laura” by Steve Zodiac (labelwhore@it.com). Let me share something
with you. My sister is a white lady married to a black man. She’s
nowhere near as good as I am in the sack, and I suspect her husband
lacks the marital skills displayed by my husband; but those are very
high standards, and they seem to be happy. I have several other very
close black female friends, and one of them is married to a black guy.
Again, they seem to be happy. Neither of these couples nor I would
deny that they encounter social hostility that they and their children
could do without; but if I were to write their “true” stories for
a.s.s., their race would be an irrelevant factor. The race of these
people probably DOES make a difference, just as my husband’s eyes and
skin and his ethnic background influence his appeal to me. However, we
have had very frank conversations about our sex lives (because we like
to talk about sex, not race), and I can honestly see no generalization
that can be made about either the stud value of the African-American
male or the submissive status of the white woman married to one of
these guys.
In the present series of stories, Laura is a white lady married to a
white man. The husband gets extremely turned on by hearing her
describe to him the exciting and perverse things that black men do to
her. Laura’s escapades invariably include black guys with “monster
cocks” who say things to her like, “Suck that black cock you white
bitch.” I guess people have a right to be turned on by whatever moves
them; but I think there’s something seriously dysfunctional in a
society where people of one race view members of another race as part
of some sort of brutish sub-species with greatly exaggerated
animalistic capabilities.
My relatively low rating for the technical quality of this story is not
an attempt on my part to get even with the author for disagreeing with
my social views; the writing is partly coherent, but generally bad. My
rating for the content of the story is equally low, because I don’t
think this story reflects reality - although it does epitomize the
fanatasies that some white people hold regarding black people.
Finally, the even lower rating for appeal to reviewer accurately
reflects my feeling that stories like this really suck. My experience
has been that stories that describe realistic and hot sex between
members of different races don’t even mention race in the title or in
the alphabet soup of labels on the title line. Stories that are
labeled “interracial” usually contain little beyond exploitive sex
based on inanely stupid stereotypes.
Ratings for “Laura”
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1