Celestial Reviews 88 - May 29, 1996
Note: I have received a revelation from a genuine philologist, which
is a technical term for a really cunning linguist, who states that the
etymology several readers have suggested for "masturbate" is highly
improbable for many reasons. "Mas" may mean "male" in Latin, but it
takes this form only in the nominative. "Mas turbare" is an impossible
construction. J.N. Adams has apparently gained academic prestige by
writing “The Latin Sexual Vocabulary,” which discusses this and other
etymologies. The best guess among real cunning linguists is that the
word derives from "manstuprare," which would mean "to defile with the
hand." The "mans-" combination easily becomes "mas-"; and then,
presumably, the analogy- as sound more than as sense - to "turbare"
completes the current word. The "pr-" combination is a difficult sound
to preserve; and the voiced labial plosive followed by "r" only
slightly easier. Interestingly, the word appears in English in the
seventeenth century in a form confirming this etymology:
"mastupration." It really isn't hard to posit the reversal of "p" and
"r" in pronunciation, and then the voicing of the plosive.
This discussion of masturbation is a bit hard to grasp <heh, heh>.
Since my reason for raising the issue was mostly to help people spell
the word by remembering that it had nothing to do with “master,” “Mas
turbare” for “shaking the little guy” seemed to work. The point of
this discussion, however, is that the preceding information will be
likely to help you win wagers in pubs and beauty parlors when
obnoxious, undersexed braggarts obnoxiously broadcast their sexual
expertise.
I understand the derivations of fellatio and cunnilingus are a lot
easier.
Second Note: Remember the proofreading service! If you would like free
help on a story, send me a request; and I’ll match you up with one of
the volunteers who have offered to help authors by making suggestions
about the grammar, style, and content of preliminary drafts of stories.
This service is often very useful to authors and enjoyable to
proofreaders. In addition, if you would like to volunteer your
services as a proofreader, please contact me.
Final Note: There’s a notice with this title in the current postings:
Stories and Files available via FTP/E-Mail (FAQ).
This is the FAQ for the BackDrop Club. This is a legitimate
organization. I suggest that you read the FAQ. (I myself have no
affiliation with this organization.) Since the demise of the Louvre,
this may be the best source for obtaining stories. I have used this
service in the past, and it is NOT a commercial rip-off, like so many
of the other “free” services.
- Celeste
“A Night at Suzy's” by Mark Aster (tasteful orgy)
10, 10, 10
“Angelic Interlude” by Joe Parsons (meeting the cyber-
lover) 10, 10, 10
“Xena: Calisto’s Escape” by Backrub (action, adventure,
& sex in Ancient Greece) 9, 8, 8
“Cleave It To Beaver” by MrNatural (TV sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
“Carear Opportunities” by H.R. (wife watching & anal sex)
8, 8, 8
“Fun on the Beach” by Steve S621 (massage & fourway
sex) 8, 8, 8
“Meeting Shirley” by The Observer (romance) 9.5, 10, 10
“The Office” by DeidreWun (sex on lunch break) 9, 9, 9
“Awakenings” by Annette (virgin to slut transition)
10, 10, 10
“A Night at Suzy's” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). It’s Orgy Night
at Suzy's, and the gang has prevailed upon a renowned goddess of a.s.s.
to bring some high quality stories from her extensive collection to
read aloud as a mood setter. By coincidence the author of Celeste’s
Pick of the Week happens to be present; and as luck would have it,
everyone likes everyone else and a good time is had by all.
I have to admit that I am flattered to become part of such a hot
evening of sex, but I want to assure you that flattery in no way
influences my ratings. The author knows this, and I suppose that’s why
he toned down my sexuality a little. No offense taken. There’s not
much to say about this story: read it - you’ll get your bang for your
buck.
This author follows a practice that few others follow. He writes his
story, lets a couple of weeks pass, and then revises the story before
he posts it. This takes discipline, but it is often worth it. I know
Mark does this, because he sent me a copy of the draft three weeks ago,
asking for permission to defame me in the way he has done in this
story.
Ratings for “A Night at Suzy's”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Angelic Interlude” by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com). The man and
woman have communicated for some time through cyberspace. They have
never met, but she has described her fantasies of what she would like
to do to him. Now she is coming to visit him in person, and he is
waiting for her plane at the airport. Her name is Angel; hence the
title.
I guess almost everybody who reads stories on this newsgroup has a
fantasy of this happening - even those of us who have no intention of
ever consummating such a relationship. Of course, this is just the
cyberspace version of the old honky-tonk romance that the country-
western singers tell us about. The odds are actually pretty remote
that a guy will have the three best orgasms of his life within an hour
after getting out of the car in a wilderness clearing after picking up
his mysterious lover at the airport. But isn’t it pretty to think so?
So the storyline is trite, but it’s well written and just plain hot
sex.
Ratings for “Angelic Interlude”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Xena: Calisto’s Escape” by Backrub (BCKRUB@aol.com). One of my
daughters watches Xena on television every week, but I myself have
never watched an entire episode. I get the impression that Xena is a
warrior princess, who is stronger than almost all male warriors (except
maybe Hercules), and who leads the fight for Truth, Justice, and the
American Way of Life in ancient Greece. The plots appear to contain a
healthy blend of reasonably authentic Greek mythology mixed in with
black magic and plots adapted from the Lone Ranger, Superman, and Kung
Fu. To this mixture Backrub adds a hearty dose of sex. My
understanding is that the present story picks up at the end of an
actual episode, which apparently ended in the capture of the misguided
and treacherous warrior-maiden Calisto.
While living a spartan lifestyle as a lieutenant to the stoic warrior-
princess Xena, Gabrielle has neglected her own sexual needs. Now she
has been captured by the nefarious Calisto, who is determined to
extract from young Gabrielle secrets about Xena by tempting her with
sexual thrills that no woman can deny. The premise is that if
Gabrielle succumbs to the sexual pleasures, she must talk. I’m not
sure what will happen if she doesn’t succumb. Probably they’ll either
kill her or keep imposing these sexual pleasures on her until she
finally breaks - or until Xena rescues her. But what will happen if
Xena does rescue her? Will Gabrielle’s obvious pleasure light a fire
in the dispassionate heroine? Or will the evil Calisto be overwhelmed
by the good, the strength, and the beauty of Xena and give herself to a
life of virtuous good deeds?
Actually, my conjectures about the ending (which were suggested in the
questions at the end of the previous paragraph) were slightly off the
mark. The story has a bit of a serial ending (like on the weekly TV
show), suggesting that there may be another episode.
I really like Backrub’s writing, but this story did not turn me on as
much as his others. Maybe it’s because I know so little about Xena.
I’m not exactly a Xenaphobe, but I’m not a Xenaphile either. I guess
I’m Axenic or maybe Dysxenic. Anyway, you Xena fans out there might
like this story more than I did.
Ratings for “Calisto’s Escape”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Cleave It To Beaver” by MrNatural (an351140@anon.penet.fi). "Ward, I
think you were a little rough on the beaver last night." June Cleaver
has made that statement many times in television reruns, but note that
this time “the beaver” is not capitalized. As you may have guessed,
this story is an irreverent treatment of the old “Leave It to Beaver”
series which is in contant syndication on cable TV. "Sorry, June. But
when a man feels really special about a woman, even his wife, sometimes
he has to express it in ways that are a little decisive." I’ll bet he
was carrying his pipe and wearing his sweater when he said that! “It's
just the right thing to do and I know we all feel better when we do the
right thing."
This story alleges that The Beave was named after his father’s beaver
cleaver. This story makes lots of interesting allegations. And what
does this mean? “I've told you boys about eating wieners when you don't
know where they've been. Maybe I should go up and give Beaver that
lesson."
You can well imagine that Eddie Haskell will have something obsequious
to say to June, and I won’t go into that here - except to say that June
finds it ironic to think of all the times Ward has called Eddie a
little prick.
This is an extremely good example of a sexual parody. DO NOT READ THIS
AT THE OFFICE COMPUTER, if you are the sort of person who has trouble
explaining to your coworkers why you are laughing uproariously. The
author does a wonderful job of making the characters stay in character
while they do things that are completely out of character. It’s enough
to make me grant complete forgiveness for the several typographical
errors I encountered.
This story ends with a notation: “More will follow if response is
good.” I assure you - response will be good. A _little_ more will be
enjoyable; but I urge this author not to try too much of a good thing.
After a few more episodes, I’d like to see him go to work on some of
the other popular sitcums.
Ratings for “Cleave It To Beaver”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Carear Opportunities” by H.R. (betrue@delphi.com). The lawyer is
hoping to become a partner in the law firm, but he discovers that his
boss wants to fuck his wife as a pre-condition. No problem; and this
even turns the shy little lady into a really hot bitch. I really doubt
that many marriage counselors recommend this strategy, but it’s an
interesting fantasy, which will appeal mostly to guys who have trouble
impressing their wives on their own. {The title is spelled that way
because the boss teaches the wife to like anal sex.}
Ratings for “Carear Opportunities”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Fun on the Beach” by Steve S621 (Steve S621@aol.com). The man is
working overseas, accompanied by his wife. They are bored during the
monsoons in Taipei, and so they go to the Philippines for some R&R. On
a quiet beach the wife gets a really sensuous message. They return to
their hut to finish up, but the masseuse follows them with a friend. A
good time is had by all.
Ratings for “Fun on the Beach”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Meeting Shirley” by The Observer (observer@onramp.net). The man likes
women who are a challenge: sexy, smart, classy, devious, and
underhanded - with a whim of iron. As a favor to a friend, however,
he agrees to take a frumpy young lady to dinner. After she changes
clothes, she becomes beautiful - even enchanting, if non-French men
would ever use that word. {Usually it works the other way, I’m told:
beauty deteriorates geometrically during the first twelve hours -
except near closing time. As one of my former professors used to say
whenever he talked about nuances among synonyms: “She was a vision in
the evening, and a sight in the morning.”} Unfortunately, the
protagonist has promised his friend not to seduce this young lady.
The chemistry between them is obvious. I don’t know when I have read
so many hot lines before any sex has occurred.
I think I once berated this author for dangling his modifiers. He has
reformed almost completely - almost: “Alone at last with Shirley, my
cock was making its presence known even more than it had numerous times
during the day.”
Incidentally, if I were the author of this story, I would have gone
with “Damn you Charlie” for its title.
One problem I had with this story was that it ended a bit up in the
air. The author starts a new subplot near the end and doesn’t finish
the first plot. However, he promises a continuation this week. A more
serious problem may be that the author apparently intends to connect
this story to his previous “The Photographer’s Daughters.” Unless he
has some tricks I haven’t thought of, I can’t imagine how that could
work. This is a much better story, and I don’t see how the characters
would match up.
Ratings for “Meeting Shirley”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“The Office” by DeidreWun (DeidreWun@aol.com). The woman returns to
her office and finds her lover seated in her desk. They flirt and then
have sex at her desk. The story is generally well written and the sex
is hot. One problem I have is that I don’t understand the need for the
second-person narrative (actually, first and second person). The
narrator refers to “you,” which becomes me when I read it; and I simply
have trouble identifying with a male “you.” In addition, the author
uses no quotation marks, and this rules out question marks in places
where they would be useful. By simply making the story a first and
third person narrative, both of these problems could easily be
overcome.
This is the first posting by this author. I hope she posts many more
stories.
Ratings for “The Office”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Awakenings” by Annette. The young lady is a naive virgin who has just
graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on is the thought
that when a man penetrates her for the first time it will be to shoot
live ammunition at an unprotected target. She gets all churned up at
the idea of totally unprotected sex with an even chance of being put in
the family way. When a rich guy she really likes comes on strong to
her, she tells him her feelings and says she’s just not quite ready
yet. Naive? Well, sort of; but she certainly knows how to keep Alan
at bay!
She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly before
the wedding he gets called away for work for two months overseas, and
she goes on a cruise. The cruise ship is a veritable stud farm; and
she mates with the ships mate. Not to worry; he’ll use a condom.
Ooops! To hell with the condom; he’ll withdraw. Ooops! To hell with
withdrawal; he has a supply of the RU 462 morning after pill. Ah!
Ecstasy (or Ecstacy, as the Brits say); ten straight days and nights of
ecstasy. Ooops! If you’ve never seen an RU 462 pill, I guess it’s
easy to confuse them with Relaxatabs.
The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to ignore
them, you can probably do so as well.
Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside me.
Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons. They give
as examples “military intelligence,” “governmental efficiency,” and
“honest lawyer.” It may be funny to refer to these as oxymorons,
because by doing so the speaker is suggesting that the military is
inherently unintelligent, the government inefficient, and lawyers
dishonest. The problem with those examples is that they are better
examples of humor than of oxymorons.
This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her first
engorged penis and refers to as “how beautifully ugly!” That’s a
perfect oxymoron. I once heard the person behind me at a wedding
ceremony refer to the bride’s “utterly ugly beauty” - making the point
that the extreme artificiality of her makeup was not beautiful at all.
There’s a famous Latin expression: “festina lente” - make haste slowly,
or as Yogi Berra put it, “Take your time; but hurry up!” A genuine
oxymoron makes a point. In the story, the idea is that the male sex
organ fully engorged with blood is really pretty grotesque if you look
at it objectively; but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it
can give, it’s beautiful. This is such a great example; I want so much
to use it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had better
not. American middle class manners; now there’s an oxymoron for you!
Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully
graphic. I strongly recommend this story.
Ratings for “Awakenings”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10